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james-bucky-barnackle · 6 years

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short update for my readers

I have been out of the loop lately (obv bc i haven't been updating anything), but I want you guys to know that my mojo is slowly getting back and I will be posting fics soon. Funny how I wanted to write, then find out that the letters N, H, and R don't work on my laptop. But I'm getting it fixed tomorrow.

Okay, maybe this might not be short at all. This year has been a battle for me, emotionally and mentally. I got a job, and started my last year in college. It was hell and heaven at the same time. I was writing fanfics whenever I would take breaks from writing my thesis and it was like a high for me, I loved it. But then, something got the better of me. I became busy, I thought I could still write, well, I could, but they'd be just for the sake of an update, and nothing juicy. And i don't want that. I write because I love telling wild stories, not just to be consistently pushing out content that don't make sense.

This is where it gets personal, and I get a little embarrassed about this. I've been struggling with my mental health, with depression and anxiety. And have been desperate for help. I'm too broke to get anything but am now on the road to getting the help I need. I felt embarrassed about this for a long time, I didn't know who to tell - considering that they might think I'm making up excuses not to di anything or just complaining about things that other think are simple but to me weighs so much more. It started on January, and I thought maybe this is my womanhood, girls get PMS all the time and overthink, right? But it's been 11 months and I still can't figure out the pain and loneliness I have. Fanfics helped me for a while, and it was huge. It felt amazing, Tumblr felt like a place where people cared about me.

I was scared to tell any of my friends about my health because I'm the clown, I'm the loudest, and to suddenly say I'm depressed feels like a lie. So, I kept it to myself for 9 months and it felt like absolute shit.

There was one time where I lost it and told one of my closest friends, he was so understanding and was shocked about it. He didn't realize I'd felt that way. I then told my best friend and she didn't know what to say, but I liked her silence. I didn't want to be told that it's fine, I wanted to be treated normally. Which is one of the reasons why it took me so long to tell anyone. I didn't want them to know and then change the way they talk to me, hell I'm scared they'd be nicer to me. I didn't want to feel different, because this struggle is mine and mine alone, all I need is for them to be there and not treat me differently because then I would only feel weak. And I always do. So, I love when we went out and almost nothing changed, they were still saying the same old jokes, but I could feel that they were still cautious around me. It was a perfect way of coping with me.

And although I feel lonely most of the time, I always remember I have this blog and that there are people who appreciate me, as much as I appreciate them. So thank you.

#update #life #mental health #mawimeywritesstuff #meowmey

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james-bucky-barnackle · 2 years

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forcing myself to blog

I am forcing myself to blog because I feel like I always get to a realization when I write. And I use the word "force" because I haven't written one of these in such a long time because I've formed this conditioning that if I write traumatic or upsetting experiences in my life, it'll immortalize it and I'd never forget. But I feel like I have to, so I could lay it all down and for once, maybe it'll stay somewhere else other than my brain. In old school fashion, I am tabulating it.

I'm currently (not) studying for the board exams. I should very well be, but I'm not. I enrolled in review classes but only ever went to class for the first three weeks and then ineffectively dipped because 1) I relied on believing I'll watch the recordings even when I'm clearly not; 2) I always thought I had months away, until well I have only one more left; 3) I realized I could not for the life of me focus and I'm not sure if its because its online or maybe because I believe I'm better off reading lectures by myself. Whether I'm delusional for the reasonings to be both the opposite, and am in denial - I won't know until I type t all out; 4) It's so hard to study when you have work, and am battling some fucking mental illness that just about affects even your relationships and work and its a fucking cycle til you get to a point where you don't even know which one is the root. Like the chicken and the egg analogy, it never fucking stops. I have 1 more month left and I am shitting my pants. It's not obvious, but internally I am and I've filled a wasteland of shits that I look like I'm not giving but really I am.

For some mystical reason, I have to claim it and yell at the universe that I am going to pass and somehow top the exams without the effort I should be exerting and as I'm typing this, half of my brain is thinking of a comprehensive calendar to squish all of the lectures I need to read before the three days of hell come.

I'm terrible at work, really terrible - and I have my employee evaluation tomorrow. I haven't even filled it up yet because I always rely on mood for some tasks (and most people don't really understand that because they're twats and don't know what it's like to have fucking ADHD). I'm very insecure about the fact that I'm still holding the same job title regardless of company and I've been working for five fucking years. It gets to a point where I'm joyed when a peer of mine tells me they fucking suck at work and have a minimum job because it makes me feel better about myself which then makes me feel like a douchebag. And then a few minutes later I realize, I shouldn't even care about how much they're salary is because I'd still be struggling with mine. Now I have to build up the courage to tell my manager tomorrow to not reduce me to the last two months that I've been underperforming just so I could at least fight for my career even when I don't believe in myself anymore.

Next, is that I have to move out of this condo in 2 fucking weeks and I am furious because I just about want to cry right now, realizing how much is on my plate that I want to somehow time travel to any year as long as I retain my memories and live from then on. I'm so anxious because I only have a month left to study for boards and 2 weeks from that will be dedicated to packing to go back to my mom's house and I'd have to adjust again and I just want to cry and pull my eyeballs out. Just thinking about 2 weeks here and 2 weeks at home absolutely crushes the life outta me. I want to pack and start reading my lectures, not worry about moving or having to adjust to any schedule. But now I have to panic about that and panic about having not finished a single hand out.

On top of that, my anxiety has been piling up to the point that I can't even open up to my boyfriend because I feel like he's getting tired of trying to understand and I know that if I ask he'd say yes and I would just dissolve. Because certainly if that's what he feels, I can't really force him to try because he'll just grow to resent me for it. But I'd want him to know how I'm doing, I'd want words to spew out of conversations because he's my partner and I'd at least want him to know, because I respect him enough to let him know what's going on with me but also am torn about having respect not to tell him anything. I'm just worried that he'd look for me and that I wont be there anymore. At the same time I'm worried he's only here because he's afraid of what'll happen to me, and I don't want him to feel that way because I want his love for me to be free and non obligatory (even if he says it isn't I'm anxious of the possibility, especially when he can't be honest enough to tell me when I make him feel bad, which I berate myself for). I'm not even sure we still are together because we're going through a situation and I'm slowly dying and falling into an abyss. I'm growing more distant as time passes even when I respect his time and his process. I just want him to know that I'm growing distant and that I don't want to leave him in the dark when I suddenly turn ash cold and not have given him the chance to warm up.

I might just have to ask him to read this because I have no idea how I should talk to him. Imagine the scene where you ask Gordon Ramsey to taste your cooking and you just pull the most nervous face you don't even wanna look; or a finger pulling loose a collar because you'd be too nervous to check your boss' response on something because both of those will be me.

It's even worse because I'm fully aware I've gotten depressed (even though I feel like I've been this way for years) and I can't do anything about it even if I want to because I'm too broke to afford medication. And wanting to end things has become a thought for the past few months even when I really haven't thought about ending my life before. It's gotten to a point that the littlest things trigger me and I make it an issue, because I simply can no longer tolerate anymore. I am so anxious. I am so depressed. I am hopeful but also hopeless.

#personal #meowmey #entry #mental health #help #fml

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