#milk the fart sniffer

[stopwiping]

Milk the Fart Sniffer

once upon a time there was a girl named milk. on the outside she looked like the average girl but what made her different than the other girls is that she sniffed other peoples farts. she loved sniffing farts not because it’s fun but because everytime she sniffs a fart she gets special powers that include being able to control peoples minds. she loved it because it meant that she can rule the world but sadly there was a huge setback. her powers only lasted as long as the farts she sniffed to get them to work in the first place. she was saddened by this setback but determined to find the perfect specimen of a human who can fart for so long it can make her invincible. one day while she was going for a walk she discovered an old map to a secret island where over 50% of the oxygen of the island is made of farts, that island was Stop Wiping Island home of some of the most petrifying farters to ever walk the earth. so she traveled there and discovered one of the most Notorious farters was hospitalized after a car crash and his name was Mark Skidz. so she broke into the hospital, disguised herself as a nurse and gave mark skidz a lethal dose of laxatives and made him the most gassiest most shit-tastic farter to ever exist however her plan got foiled when she discovered her powers have a weakness and that weakness is karen farts and karen had a fart that lasted about a minute and it caused her plan to foil before it could even begin. she is now in jail for trying to take over Stop Wiping Island.

#milk #ticlock doesn't wipe their ass #stop wiping #ban toilet paper #no toilet paper #mark skidz #world peace #stopwiping #karen #milk the fart sniffer

[yaboymercury]

You saw their butts on tinder and when they advertised themselves as wanting third to have fun with you couldn't resist. They'd left the door to their flat open and you were told to let yourself in. As soon as you stepped foot in the flat you could smell a lingering sour raunchy scent almost sticking to the walls. It was gross but it also got you hard, these guys were the real deal.

You walked through their kitchen and could see that neither of these men were tidy with the space littered with pizza boxes, burrito wrappers and cartons of milk.

"Hey we're in here!" You heard from behind a door so you headed that way.

The two of them were lying down on a bed lying back to back and lifting their legs showing off their musky cracks.

"Are you hungry?" The man on the left asked pinching his boyfriends ass.

"We've got plenty of cake to go round!" The other smacking his ass in return.

Hardening immediately you saw no need for introductions. Stripping down to your underwear you dove in between their butts and began serving both their asses.

The men moaned as you were obviously pleasuring their sweaty asses to a good enough standard. However you got a but worried when you felt two hands holding your head in place, but maybe it was just a dom kind of thing.

PPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT

BBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAFFFFTTT

The two rank blasts assaulted your face from either sides and unfortunately for you their scent combined to become almost deadly. It explained the lingering scent throughout the house but it was significantly stronger from the source.

"Haha good one babe!"

"Yeah baby I definitely won that one!"

"Whew, poor boy we really stink!"

Oh god it wasn't even an accident. As you began to try and push away to get a fresh breathe you felt their grip get stronger.

"Ah ah ah, not until we're empty!"

"Hah you're so cruel baby it was your idea for us to get gassy, we can keep going for hours."

"Shhh don't ruin the fun!"

"Okay babe I'll be quiet but my ass won't!"

FFFFFFFFRRRRRRRARRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP

The deadly eggy gas from the left got stronger it felt like it was melting your skin.

"Well you know my ass isn't quiet either!"

BBBBBBBBRAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTT

The rancid cheesey stench from the right spewed out the gross ass. You'd signed up for raunchy but they should have been more specific! You flailed harder trying to get away, no butt can be good enough to put up with this level of stink.

"I'm so glad I guessed this would happen."

One of the hands got off of you but the other was still enough to contain you. As you were still engulfed in one stinky ass you felt your hands being latched behind your back and the cold metal feeling of handcuffs. Oh shit how long were they planning to keep you! This can't be legal. You were about to voice your complaints until your hair was grabbed violently and you were lifted out of the hairy ass. Only momentarily until the ball gag could be fitted.

"Ah no unsavoury complaints to hear and no mouth breathing for you!" They were practically making you inanimate. Your autonomy was gone and all they were using you ass was a fart sniffer.

"Guess we should put him to bed baby." You felt a blindfold wrap around you. And then the heavy feeling of a blanket weighing you down. The only pleasant experience after this was the feeling of their butts tightly clamping your head from either side.

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRAPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTT

PPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRAPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTT

You could hear the farts ballooning the sheets and the density of the stink was overwhelming, but you couldn't even cough, just moan, cry, and wriggle against your restraints. As you writhed you could hear the men moaning but they were obviously having a much more pleasurable time with the unmistakable sounds of them jerking eachother off.

BBBBBRRRRRRRRRRAMMMMMMMPPPPPTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFF

FFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTT

The toxic gases continued blasting your face and poisoning your nose. The headache the gas was giving you was horrendous and the heat under the gassy sheets felt like it was baking you. The two's moans got louder.

"Ugh, babe don't lift up the sheets, you're a demon tonight."

"Mmmmmm, but baby it smells so fucking good."

"I'm sure we could make it better!"

You heard grunts and then:

FFFFFFRRRRRRRAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPP

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRAFFFFFFFFFFFPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

You swore you could hear the sheet billowing at the sides as you wished you could scream at this heated stench filled torture. It didn't help that you could hear their strokes speeding up. You gulped. To add insult to injury you felt two large sticky shots land on your face back to back followed with orgasmic moans.

As you wondered if they would ever let you sleep you felt them settling down above you even though you were still suffering under the sheets.

"Night baby, hope he knows that your night farts are baaaaaaddd."

"Hah almost as bad as yours, if his nose is still attached in the morning I'm sure we can treat him to our thunder for breakfast."

"Mmm I'm hungry already babe!"

PPPPPPRRRRRRRRAAAARPPPPPPP

FFFFFRRRRRAAAAPPPPPPPPPPTTTR

-

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#eproctophilia #fart #fartfiction #gay fart #male fart #fart story #fart caption #male butt

[imtheasssniffer]

Ok last night I had a very weird dream/fantasy. That is truly like nothing I’ve ever read or seen, and I was wondering if you guys would like me to write a story based on it.

_______________________________________________

Synopsis: Andres is like 7, 8, 10 feet tall, and he can grow larger. So he’s used to people stopping him on the street for photos, or to compliment him, and even sometimes ask him to perform sexual tasks. After years of these occurrences it kind of just became normal.

One day when walking in the Houston ship channel. He gets confronted, by a cruise ship worker who asks him to work on the cruise, but it’s not just any cruise. (Y’all ain’t ready for this), it’s a milk cruise. The cruise ships interior consists of one main floor. That has little shops, restaurants rooms, and a giant fucking wave pool filled with milk, with a small yacht in it.

Everyone on this cruise pretty much has a fart fetish, which is good for Andres, because he is chronically gassy, so after accepting to work on this 16 day cruise. He somehow gets a uniform that fits, and becomes a worker.

On the day before the cruise starts. There is a huge gathering of all the people in the wave pool. All of them are of course drinking the milk in the wave pool, and the workers also joined the guests in the pool for one big party. Like I said Andres can get bigger. So he’s huge, because this milk pool is deep, and he’s holding onto the yacht in the middle like it’s a little floaty, so you can imagine how big he is. Some girl is talking about the history of milk, and Andres is chugging the milk. Then all of a sudden some of the guests start chanting for Andres to fart, so he does. And it stunk. The narrator in my dream (cause yes there was a mfking narrator... I’m dead), said, “his fart was so vile it nearly curtled the milk.” Pretty much everyone can smell it, and it’s awful.

Anyways you’re also a worker on the ship, and your working on some sort of catwalk at the top the ship. Where there’s a bunch of little rooms, with electrical stuff. When you hear some coworkers plan to trap Andres in a cell that’s on the ship. Not knowing that you heard them. They ask you to get him. You are of course freaked out, so they no you’ll probably say something, and you know they know, so you start to run, and one of your coworkers. A really beefy guy. Charges at you, and tackle you down. He then drags you to the cell, because there’s two rooms(which I’ll explain later), you look for an escape, but the only escape is a window that has a huge drop that would kill you.

You’re waiting in your cell defeated, when they bring Andres in, and he’s all tied up in rope. They then trap him in the room next to you. You can see everything, because it’s a chain link cage. They cut his rope, and he bucks at the fence, the workers just laugh and tell you two to have fun. Andres then asks why you were locked up, and you tell him it’s because you wanted to let him know they were going to lock him up, and then you start panicking, cause you realize that this ship is filled with sadistic fart sniffers. And that being trapped in this cage means you’ll have to take all of Andres’ farts.

The chain link cage consists of two rooms. One with a cot, a toilet a sink, and a bathtub. That’s where Andres is staying. Connected to that cage is your room which only has a shower head and drain. This of course freaks you out, because as stated before everyone on this ship is sadistic and has a crazy fart fetish.

SCAT WARNING

You’re afraid that the shower head will somehow pour Andres, fecile matter onto you. Because eventually he’ll have to go, and he’s giant. You tell him this, and he promises not to poop on the toilet, and just on the floor outside of his cage, but is that really better, seeing as you two are trapped in a small room In an even smaller cell?

My dream then ended with someone bringing the two of you really toxic, gas inducing food, and the ship starting it’s course.

_______________________________________________

I know this dream was really weird, and if I write it. I’ll probably change up some elements of the story, but it’ll be more or less the same. It will have scat, which really isn’t my thing, but I know some people would enjoy that. It will probably be pretty long, and take me a while to write it. Also I’m sorry if I sound crazy. It’s the middle of the night, and I woke up right as this dream was ending, and I couldn’t go back to sleep, cause I felt like I had to right it down. So goodnight.

[elsanna-shenanigans]

April Contest Submission #4: Stupid For You

Words: ca. 6,100 Setting: Modern AU Lemon: No CW: None

Anna adjusts her car visor to block out as much of the sun as possible. Just because the weather feels nice enough to keep her windows down, doesn’t mean she’ll allow the sun cook her through the windshield.

It’s 2:25 PM on a Friday. Back in college, she would have been powering through her final class of the week, racing back to her dorm on her longboard, changing into her pajamas, and replaying the entire Mass Effect trilogy for the fifth time. Now, she spends it idling in the parking lot of West Arendelle Elementary, breathing in exhaust fumes from other idling cars, and pitifully swiping through a dating app.

And to be honest, she might like this routine a little more.

But only because, in a couple of minutes the bell will ring and her favorite ten-year-old will burst through the front doors, skip down to her car, and tap on the passenger windows with both hands.

Not that…she knows any other ten-year-olds, she only knows this one. She doesn’t have like a top ten list of favorite children.

Anyway yeah.

Anna presses against the corner of a parking sticker peeling off at the bottom of her windshield, knowing she’ll have to get a new one soon. The sound of her phone buzzing grabs her attention, and a little bit of hope rises in her as she checks the notification. Unfortunately, it’s just a text from her mother saying not to park behind her when she gets back home.

Anna grumbles, “I swear there’s like zero lesbians in this entire freaking city.”

She’s saved from her petty lamenting by the forementioned bell, and suddenly the barren entrance of the elementary school is buzzing with activity as children pour out of the doors in droves. Some are running, some are walking slowly with their group of friends, but only one of them is skipping.

Or at least Anna could only see one skipping since she wasn’t focusing on any other kid.

Gleefully making her way to Anna’s car is a little girl in a bright-blue skirt, a clean white polo, and a messy braid. Her hands are clutching the straps of her glittery backpack and her lunch box is hanging on for dear life around her neck.

Serah Langford, the self-proclaimed “cooliest” ten year-old in Arendelle.

Serah predictably taps her knuckles against the passenger window and Anna rolls it down. “What’s the password?” she asks.

“Fart Sniffer,” Serah says confidently.

Anna shakes her head, “That was last week’s password. What’s this week’s?”

Serah looks off in the distance and purses her lips. A second later, she says, “Alright I said it!”

“Say it out loud.”

Serah rolls her eyes and says in a dramatically bored voice, “Anna de Milo is the greatest, prettiest, most wonderful babysitter in the world and deserves a million dollars.”

Anna unlocks the door and grins, “That’s the one!”

The embarrassed fourth-grader shuffles into the car, placing her bag by her feet, her lunch box in her lap, and her phone plugged into the AUX cord. Anna would be offended if they didn’t have the exact same taste in music.

A babysitting job wasn’t at the top of her list after she graduated, but when months passed and she exhausted all the search results for “Writer” on Indeed, she was starting to get desperate. Her mother advised her to look for any job so at the very least she could have a steady source of income while she continued to look for writing gigs.

That’s when she found Bizzybee.

Bizzybee is a company that prides itself on being “Tinder for babysitters”, which is a horrible vision statement but she kept from mentioning that during her interview. After a surprisingly long assessment process, Anna was placed into their system and she was free to take on any babysitting/housesitting job she wanted based on the profile of the parent and their needs. Everyone started with the same hourly rate, but with enough good reviews she would be eligible for raises.

The first five families she worked for weren’t a good fit for different reasons (one of the fathers actually tried to make a move on her, which is an entirely different, creepier story). She was beginning to lose hope until she stumbled on the profile of a recently divorced mother named Elsa Langford.

From the very first interview with Elsa, Anna knew she’d finally found the right babysitting job for her. She and Serah hit it off right away, and they worked out a Monday-Friday schedule which allowed Anna to continue searching for jobs while still getting great hours.

Six months later and, despite a couple of job offers, Anna decided to stay on as Serah’s babysitter. It was risky and not at all the path she set out for herself after college, but she found herself enjoying babysitting much more than she thought she would. And because of that, she stayed.

Well…that, and another reason.

Anna snuck a peek inside the lunch box at a red light and frowned at the unopened bag of cookies inside. “Seriously?! I thought you liked Chips Ahoy!”

“Only the chewy ones,” Serah argued.

“They can get chewy if you dip them in milk.” Anna waved the bag obnoxiously close to the little girl’s face. “These things are expensive, you know.”

“They’re $20 on Amazon if you buy them in bulk.”

“$20 is still a lot of money.” The light’s turned green, so Anna has to open the bag with her teeth. When she does so successfully, she pours a couple of the cookies right into her mouth. Chewing with righteous indignation, she says, “You know what you can buy with $20?”

“Dinner with my mom?”

Anna almost chokes on the cookies.

She hears Serah giggling up a storm while handing her a water bottle to keep from dying. After downing half the bottle, Anna takes a deep breath and gets back into the center of her lane to ensure neither of them is going to die. “Serah! What did I tell you about saying that kinda stuff while I’m driving?!”

Serah bounces proudly in her seat, “Well maaaaybe if you didn’t have a crush on my mom, I wouldn’t have to bring it up.”

“It’s not…I’m not…” Anna slumps in her chair, wondering why she even bothers denying it. “Whatever.”

Yes, she has a big, stupid gay crush on the mom of the kid she’s babysitting. But have you seen Elsa Langford? She’s gorgeous. Pale skin, light blonde hair always in a neat, tight ponytail, eyes like calm pools of water, and a killer body she worked tirelessly on after giving birth to Serah. Anna had to drink three glasses of water just to get through the interview with her.

But there’s nothing to it, and nothing’s gonna happen anyway. It’s just a crush.

A stupid, dumb, big, stupid, fleeting, doesn’t-mean-anything, stupid crush on a stupid, sexy mom.

It’s stupid.

[Line Break]

Anna pulls right into the driveway of the Langford’s small, one-story house. It’s in the middle of a long suburbian row of houses that look nearly identical in their mundanity, but this one always stands out to Anna. Not because she’s been to this house countless times, but also because it’s got a vibrant feel to it; like you can feel two main characters live here. Serah skips over to her front door with Anna close behind. She notices the grass is getting a little tall and wonders if Elsa might need some help mowing it this weekend.

She unlocks the front door and Serah immediately takes off her shoes by the front door, places her lunch box on the kitchen table, and hums to herself while she walks to her room. The schedule used to be on the fridge, but by this point Anna’s memorized it.

Make a light snack for Serah, help her with her homework before dinner’s done, clean around the house (that’s not a requirement, Anna just does it), make sure she doesn’t watch the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix yet, and then kick back until Elsa gets home. In between this time, Serah continues to tease her about her crush.

It’s been like that for weeks now, ever since Serah stole her phone one day and read the text Kristoff sent to her about Elsa. The subsequent conversation about what a “MILF” was didn’t exactly help things either.

This time, however, is different. Around 7 PM, while they’re watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, Serah says something that doesn’t sound like a joke.

“She’d say yes, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Anna asks cautiously.

“If you asked my mom out, she’d say yes.”

Unsure of how she’s supposed to react, Anna goes with an uncomfortable snort/laugh, “Wh- stop it. Stop kidding around, that’s…that’s silly.”

Serah shrugs like she didn’t say something crazy, and then she proceeds to say something even crazier, “She talks about you all the time.”

“Well yeah, I mean duh. I’m the babysitter,” Anna says like that’s supposed to be her superhero identity.

“No, she doesn’t talk about babysitting stuff.”

Finally, unable to help her curiosity, Anna asks, “What does she talk about then?”

Of course, she doesn’t get a chance to hear the answer. The front door unlocks and the woman they were just talking about arrives from work. Serah rushes to greet her mom and Anna stays sitting to let them spend their mother-daughter time together. And also because, like usual, she’s trying to figure out how to greet Elsa.

She decides on a cheerful “Hi!” followed by asking how work went; it’s casual and unassuming, but shows she cares about her. With that game plan prepared, she takes a quick breath, stands up, and walks over to the happy, little family.

“Hi!” she says with a practiced wave of her hand, though her voice is a little higher pitched than she’d like it to be.

Elsa’s clearly tired by the look of her, but when she smiles at Anna it feels like she’s genuinely happy to see her. Which of course makes Anna’s stomach do backflips, especially when Elsa walks over to her and gives her a hug. Even after taking off her heels, the exhausted banker still has a couple of inches on her.

“How are you?” she asks with her sweet, caring voice.

Anna tries to ignore the faint, flowery scent of perfume on Elsa’s neck, and the intrusive thought of wanting to hold her until all of Elsa’s troubles melt away. “Doing good,” she finally answers with her voice still an octave too high.

Elsa pulls away far too soon, keeping Anna at arm’s length while the younger woman is trying her best to pretend she doesn’t want to know how those lips would feel against hers. “Well let me write you a check and you can head out.”

What? No! Thinking fast, she replies, “No, you look exhausted. You can just rest, you don’t need to pay me right away.” Which is a lie, she has bills due next week.

“No I’d feel terrible if I let you go empty-handed. Trust me, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

“Ms. Langford, it’s okay. I’m in no rush tonight. Give yourself a minute to breathe, at least.”

Elsa frowns, but whatever she’s about to say gets interrupted by a long yawn. “Okay fine, if you can give me half an hour, I’ll have your check ready by then.”

“Sounds perfect!” Anna squeaks.

“And again, you don't have to call me Ms. Langford. Elsa’s fine.”

Elsa pats her on the shoulder and walks over to her room, Anna gets a glimpse of it before the door shuts and she can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in Elsa’s room one day. Her shameful thought is interrupted by someone bumping her hip.

She looks down and sees Serah with a smug grin on her face.

“Oh hush,” Anna says.

[Line Break]

Anna hates taking breaks, and she especially hates days off. Not just because that’s one less day she gets to see Elsa, but also because that’s who she is as a person. Days she isn’t working provide zero structure, and she forgets how to be a human being without a structure.

The weekends, then, are a tumultuous time for her. If she doesn’t have pre-made plans with her friends, she’ll spend the days thinking about doing everything, inevitably end up doing nothing, and then dragging herself out of the house to do something.

This particular Saturday, that “something” happens to be grocery shopping. With a list that only has “Eggs?” on it, she ventures through every single aisle, wondering if she could get herself hungry enough to buy whatever she’s currently looking at.

So far, aside from the eggs, there’s only one other thing in her cart. And it’s not even for her.

“Pop-Tarts…I don’t know, they might sound good later.” She reaches to grab a box of the frosted strawberry ones but waves it off at the last second. Maybe the next aisle will have something she thinks absentmindedly as her cart almost hits the person in front of her.

Who somehow happens to be Elsa.

“Hi! Hey! Wow hi!” Anna says while Elsa looks at her like she’s genuinely startled. “H-hey there, Ms. Langford.”

After registering that the person yelling at her isn’t a threat, Elsa smiles. “Anna! It’s so wonderful to see you.” She looks as if she’s going to take a step towards Anna, but changes her mind at the last second.

Unfortunately, Anna took that as a cue to also step forward and didn’t move back fast enough. So now, she’s just standing between both carts like she’s commandeering both. “I-I didn’t know you went grocery shopping. Here, I mean. I’m sure you shop, but like…I live near here. Like five minutes away actually.”

Elsa chuckles, and honestly it sounds like honey-dipped guitar strings. But less sticky, and more sexy. “Well I was in the area dropping Serah off to her karate lesson, so I figured I might as well do some shopping while I wait.”

Right, Serah started her lessons last week. She told Anna that she was super excited about “getting to punch bricks and stuff”. Still unsure if she should move yet, Anna adds, “Well I like this place a lot. It’s like one of my top ten places to be- to go. Maybe top five.”

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind,” Elsa grins like she really is happy to have run into her. She shifts her gaze down and remarks, “Oh, that’s a really nice chopping board.”

Oh. Right. The chopping board’s…still in her cart. Anna lifts it up and holds it like she’s showing off the finest new features in chopping board technology. “Yeah thanks, it’s on sale actually.”

“That’s good news, I’m looking to replace the one we have. I’m tired of scraping plastic off my chicken when I’m cutting it.” Anna knows this, of course, because Elsa’s muttered it to herself every time she’s in the kitchen. “Which aisle did you find that in?”

Forgetting why she has the chopping board in the first place, Anna holds it out and says, “Oh it’s okay, you can just have this one?”

“Are you sure? Don’t you need it?”

Now remembering why she has it, Anna shamefully pulls it away, “Yes. I mean no. No I don’t, I don’t need it. It’s in my cart, but I don’t need it.”

Elsa’s eyes narrow, “I-I’m sorry, I’m confused.”

Well this is happening. And it’ll be even more awkward to explain things if she shows up with the chopping board on Monday. She sighs, finally admitting defeat, “I…I heard you mention you needed a new chopping board, so I wanted to get one for you. This one, actually. This is the one I was going to buy. And then give it to you on Monday.”

Elsa goes from confused to flattered in a second, and much like all of her expressions there’s an inarguable authenticity to it. There’s no exaggerated gasp or a drawn-out “Awww”, instead there’s a smile that could melt a million hearts and a casual touching of Anna’s upper arm.

“I knew I picked a good one,” Elsa says, oblivious to the screaming and fireworks occurring in Anna’s head.

“Ah, i-it’s nothing really. I’m using my paycheck, so in a way you’re buying it yourself haha,” Anna tries to laugh but she squeaks like someone’s just pumped her full of helium.

“Nonetheless, you’ve helped lift so much stress off your shoulders and I want to show how much I appreciate you.” Elsa straightens up a little and looks at the frazzled redhead curiously, “What do you think about coffee?”

“You mean like a coupon?” Anna shakes her head. “I mean a gift card?”

Elsa opens her mouth to respond, but another thought seemingly goes through her head and she purses her lips. A second later, she smiles again, “Yes. Like a gift card. Young people still drink Starbucks, right?”

Anna scoffs, “Ms. Langford, you’re only nine years older than me.”

“And yet you still insist on calling me ‘Ms. Langford’, which always makes me feel much older than I actually am.”

A ton of bricks falls on Anna as she realizes her grave mistake. “Oh my goodness, Ms. La- ah I mean I uh…I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I mean that wasn’t my intention. You’re young, a-and beautiful, and still in your prime. No you haven’t even reached your prime yet! If I made you feel like you weren’t, I’m-”

She’s silenced by the feel of Elsa’s hand coming to rest on…her shoulder? Well that’s new. And exciting. Anna focuses half of her mind on calming down and the other half on what Elsa’s saying.

“Relax Anna, it was just a joke. You can call me whatever you want.” Though Elsa’s voice is reassuring, her smile has a glint of proud mischief from catching her off-guard. “I’m not about to police my favorite babysitter on what words she can use.”

Anna tries to speak but finds her throat too dry. She clears it and tries again, “Really? I’m your favorite babysitter? You’re not just saying that?”

“I went through far too many babysitters before I found you,” Elsa lets out a breathy laugh, eyes glancing to the side as if she’s remembering back to the years she’d had to find the right fit to take care of Serah. Anna wonders what makes her so different from the others, but thinks that’s too invasive to ask. “You’re the best.”

The casual yet loaded compliments and the feel of Elsa’s fingers so close to her bare skin combine to create a dangerous, stomach-churning reaction in Anna. One that sets all her impulses alight, screaming at her to kiss Elsa.

Before she even has the chance to compose herself, Elsa’s already pulled away and is back by the safety of the handrails on her cart. “Well I think I’ve used up enough of your time this weekend. And besides, I need to find something for dinner tonight. I’ll see you Monday, okay?”

Anna blinks, still trying to register things that happened five minutes ago. “Uh yeah, no problem. Sounds great,” she replies without knowing what she’s saying.

Elsa smiles at her and turns the corner, disappearing from direct sight. After an eternity of standing at the end of the aisle like an idiot, Anna groans and covers her face with her hands.

“Stupid,” she mumbles to herself.

[Line Break]

“The evil scientist shouted, ‘This ain’t over, Super Gal! One day-”

Anna presses the buzzer she bought at a dollar store. “There’s no such thing as the word 'ain’t’,” she corrects.

Serah groans, “You’re the worst.”

“You asked a girl with an English degree for help with your story. What did you expect would happen?” Anna taps against the table like an evil villain.

’“I didn’t expect you to not go easy on-”

Anna presses the buzzer again. “Double negative!”

“I’m not even writing!” Serah protests.

“My buzzer, my rules.”

The sound of the front door opening interrupts them bickering like long-lost sisters. Instead of running over to greet Elsa by the door, Serah shouts with exasperation, “Moooom! Anna’s being a jerk!”

“Well that’s what happens when you ask an English major to look over your story, honey,” Elsa replies.

Anna gives Serah a smug grin, the little girl sticks her tongue out in response. Elsa joins them at the dinner table, the tiredness on her face is less concerning tonight but Anna catches her wince when she sits down.

“You okay?” she asks.

Elsa smiles, “Fell off a ladder at work.”

“Oh my gosh, how bad does it hurt? I could-” Anna has to take a pause to let the unhelpful thought of massaging Elsa’s back go away. “-get you some ibuprofen or an ice pack.”

“Thank you, Anna, but I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning once I sleep it off. After all, I’m not even in my prime yet.” Elsa winks at her, and Anna has to pretend her insides haven’t turned to jelly.

“Is this like that time you fell in the bathroom while trying to pull your pants up?” Serah asks.

“Serah!” Elsa hides her face in her hands, though it’s still possible to tell the remorse she feels through her voice. “Why did I even tell you that story?”

Serah feigns innocence and shrugs, “Because I’m your daughter and you like telling me things?”

Elsa sticks her tongue out in response and it’s much cuter than it has any right to be. Unable to help herself, Anna asks, “Are you sure I can’t do anything for you? I mean like with your back…or whatever.”

Elsa rests her head against one of her hands and doesn’t try to hold back the tiredness in her smile this time. “You’re very sweet, Anna, but I’ll be okay. Just need some rest.” She mumbles afterward, “And a vacation…”

Anna lets her mind wander for a second, thinking of what it would feel like to take Elsa somewhere she could unwind. Like to a spa, or a lake. Elsa feels like the kind of person who finds solitude near water. In her mind, she sees Elsa in a baby blue sundress and a wide brim hat, looking out at the crystal clear waters from a creaky, wooden dock. She sees herself walking down the same dock and Elsa turning to her with a smile, holding a hand out and beckoning her to come over.

“What do you think, Anna?”

The wishful thought dissipates, and Anna’s pulled back into reality by a question she’s not ready for. “Sorry, I was uh…thinking of a story idea. What were you guys talking about?”

Thankfully not asking where Anna’s mind was really at, Elsa repeats herself, “Serah was wondering if you wanted to go to her play tomorrow.”

“I’m playing a tree!” Serah says proudly.

This invitation comes as a wonderful surprise. Serah’s been hyping this play up for forever, but Anna always assumed she would want Elsa to be there. “Oh, I…did something happen? Can you not make it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dare miss seeing my little girl play the part of Tree #2. But I really-”

Serah clears her throat obnoxiously loud.

“Right. We would really love it if you came. Tickets are free, but they’ll be selling popcorn and soda for $2.”

“You can sit next to my mom!” Serah adds, and her failed blink shows she knows exactly what she’s implying. It feels odd having a ten-year-old be her wing woman, but Anna’s learning to roll with it.

“No pressure, though,” Elsa says while wringing her hands together. “It’s on a Friday night, and I know you might already have plans.”

“I don’t,” Anna responds far too fast.

Elsa’s eyes widen in surprise, “Oh. Then do you want to go?”

The chance to sit next to Elsa for an hour in a dark auditorium? Anna would be an idiot to pass that opportunity up. And it isn’t lost on her that it felt like Elsa was about to say she would personally love it if she went.

“Sure, I’d love to go.”

[Line Break]

Far too many questions are still punching Anna in the brain as she pulls into West Arendelle Elementary’s parking lot and walks towards the auditorium. Should she have eaten something beforehand? Is she overdressed? Is she underdressed? Should she have texted Elsa to coordinate outfits? What if this is all some elaborate prank to make fun of her for her stupid mom crush? Did she sweat through her shirt? Is it noticeable?

Her crazy thoughts are interrupted by her phone buzzing. She pulls it out of the back pocket of her jeans and sees it’s a text from Elsa. She’s waiting by the door so they can find some seats together.

Well, that eases her worry about trying to find Elsa in a crowded auditorium. Though crowded might be an understatement. It’s a fourth-grade play, not an opera at The Met.

Once inside, Anna takes a second to admire the impressive renovations of what used to be a musty, old gymnasium (they even put in carpets and sound dampeners). But she’s not here to appraise this place, she’s here to root for her favorite fourth grader/tree and keep the ogling of Elsa to a minimum-

Holy baloney, Elsa’s wearing a dress.

It’s got blue-and-white stripes, short sleeves, and a similar colored waist sash. And instead of her hair being in a tight ponytail, the nearly silver locks fall across her shoulders and down her back.

It’s casual, it’s cute, it’s gorgeous, it’s beautiful, and it’s a stark reminder of how absolutely smitten Anna is.

“I was getting worried you might not show up,” Elsa says with a smile akin to the one she showed off at the grocery store.

Up close, Anna also notices a thin, snowflake necklace around Elsa’s slender neck and she’s already failed in keeping her ogling to a minimum. “You can always trust me to keep my promises, Ms. Langford,” she says with a goofy grin meant to reflect something called confidence.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Elsa responds.

Feeling like she has to mention it, and also because her brain’s still currently fried from seeing an angel, Anna adds, “You look beautifuller. I-I mean not like fuller, I just mean you look more beautiful than usual. Oh gosh, not that you usually look bad because you don’t. You never look bad, you’re-”

Elsa lays a hand on Anna’s shoulder again, which might as well be her reset button. “Anna, do me a favor and take a breath.”

Anna takes a breath.

“Good job. Now let’s go find some seats, okay?”

Anna follows her, too caught up on the feeling of being told she did a good job.

They find a spot at the end of an aisle and close enough to the stage that Serah will be able to find them without looking too hard. Elsa takes the seat on the left, Anna takes the seat on the right. They don’t start talking again right away, not until the conversations all across the auditorium become a blanket of white noise.

And then Elsa lets out a breath, “This feels nice.”

Anna turns to her and notices her eyes are closed, but she still commits to perfect posture so it looks like she’s meditating. “What do you mean?” Anna asks.

“Being…present. Not having to rush to make dinner or beat traffic or anything like that. It feels nice to have a break and just be.”

Anna finds it hard to understand what constitutes this as a break, but then again she isn’t a mother. And she doesn’t know much about what it means to take a break anyway.

Elsa tilts her head like she’s about to rest it on Anna’s shoulder, but instead, she turns to look at her. “Thank you again.”

“For the chopping board?”

“For the chopping board, for taking care of Serah, for being someone I can trust…for everything. It’s hard to- I mean you know it hasn’t been easy for me relationship-wise.”

Anna nods. Learning about Elsa’s divorce and her subsequent failed relationships was a part of why she took this job in the first place. She sympathized with the single mother and knew even then that Elsa could really use someone to have her back too.

“So thank you, for being my…the person I needed through all this. My knight in shining armor.”

The lights haven’t dimmed yet, so she needs to hope the blush on her cheeks isn’t too noticeable. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling too wide, and then says, “Well, outstanding service is the Bizzybee guarantee.” It’s supposed to be a playful joke, but Elsa doesn’t seem to take it as such.

She frowns, “Do you really only see this as a job?”

This is different, but it doesn’t feel like a good different. Elsa doesn’t usually look like she’s staring into her soul, and she hasn’t asked anything this personal since the initial interview. To Anna, the answer is obvious, but she’s also caught up on wondering what answer Elsa wants to hear. If she says the wrong thing, will she lose her job? What’s the right thing to say? When did it get so warm? And is that citrus she smells in Elsa’s hair? Gosh, why is she so weird?

Shrinking further underneath Elsa’s stone-cold curiosity, Anna finally decides to approach this with honesty. “No,” she starts far too softly. “No, I think I would probably do anything for you…r family. You mean a lot to me. Y-you and Serah, I mean.”

She really hopes that doesn’t sound like a confession. The last thing she wants to do is get fired and have to run out of an elementary school auditorium in tears.

A soft, warmth presses against her hand that’s been resting on her seat. Anna looks down and sees Elsa’s hand on top of where hers should be. If this is a dream, then she never wants to wake up.

“Thank you for saying that,” Elsa replies just as softly.

Finally, the lights dim and the principal is on the stage talking about how hard the fourth-graders have worked on this rendition of The Giving Tree. And maybe it means nothing, but Elsa still hasn’t pulled away. Anna pushes away the thought of her own hand being too sweaty, and the notion that this could be a fulfillment of her craziest wish. Right now, she just tries to enjoy the feeling.

Serah turned out to be an excellent Tree #2.

[Line Break]

Next Monday, everything falls apart.

Or at least that’s what it feels like is going to happen when Elsa gets back from work and immediately asks Serah to go to her room so they can talk alone.

Anna’s never seen her this distraught before. Her ponytail is poorly put together, she’s not wearing any makeup, and there’s a coffee stain below her collar. When she asks if she can do anything to help, Elsa’s response is a quick but harsh, “No.”

She stiffens up. “Oh. O-okay, I’m sorry.”

Elsa shakes her head, places her hand on top of one of the kitchen chairs, but then pulls back like it’s hot to the touch. “Could we maybe sit on the couch?”

Right now, Elsa could tell her to cut off her hand and Anna would do it. She nearly trips walking the five feet from the kitchen to the living room couch, and tries to take up the least amount of space as possible when she sits down. Elsa sits on the far side, clutching a pillow to her chest with her mind probably anywhere else but here.

It’s not a good sight, and Anna’s not only worried about the safety of her job, but Elsa’s condition. She purses her lips to keep from saying anything stupid, and hopes this isn’t the horrible nightmare she’s expecting it to be.

Elsa closes her eyes tight, “I’m afraid I have to let you go, Anna.”

Anna completely deflates. Had she not been expecting this, it would have come as a greater shock to her. But when she pushed her luck at the play by trying to hold Elsa’s hand…she knew her days as a babysitter were numbered. “I understand,” she says sadly.

“I don’t think you do,” Elsa replies, quickly turning to look at Anna. Her eyes look like they’re pleading with her, like she doesn’t want to do this. “You were amazing, and I will give you the best endorsement for any job you apply for. But after the play-”

“I know. I was out of line.”

There’s a tense, awkward second of silence where the two women are looking at each other with equal levels of guilt and remorse. Though their reasons are vastly different. Elsa sighs and places the final nail in the coffin, “No, you weren’t.”

…what?

“Anna, I wanted you to hold my hand.”

What?

“You did?” Anna asks, trying her best to curb her optimism. This can’t possibly be going the way she thinks it is.

Elsa nods, “I’m not- well okay, first of all, I don't want to fire you. Serah, she thinks of you as her big sister, and the thought of separating you two tears me up. But this needs to happen because I…having you around…I feel something for you.”

“Feel something?” Maybe someday she’ll be able to say more than two sentences again.

Again, Elsa closes her eyes. A sternness falls on her face which Anna can tell she’s had to use a lot “Say it out loud,” Elsa mutters.

“What’s wrong?”

One agonizing moment later, Elsa reopens her eyes, and the guilt in them has worsened. “I-I’m attracted to you, Anna, and it’s getting to me. Really bad. I can’t sleep without thinking of you, I got a ticket for speeding a couple of weeks ago because I couldn’t wait to get home to you and Serah, and when you held my hand? Gosh, I felt something I never felt with anyone I’ve ever been with. I have feelings for you, and I have to let you go before I do something I might regret.”

She’s not dreaming, Anna knows that for sure because there’s no weird fog around her and Elsa doesn’t have a horse head. Yet she still can’t wrap her mind around the fact that this is happening.

Elsa Langford, the most beautiful mom- hell, the most beautiful woman- she’s ever known has just confessed she has feelings for her.

But she has to know for certain, so she finally musters up the lucidity to ask more than two words. “Do you really mean that?”

Elsa laughs. But it’s not a “gotcha” laugh, it’s a deeply embarrassed, caught-in-the-act laugh Anna’s far too familiar with. “Yes. I like you a lot.”

That’s all the confirmation she needs. With all the social grace of a bowling ball tumbling down the stairs, Anna responds. “I like you a lot too. Like attractively, I-I mean romantically.”

Elsa’s eyes widen, “Really?”

Anna shows off her expertly crafted awkward laugh. “Of course! You’re sweet, caring, and you’re so beautiful I bet a potato sack would look good on you. When I look at you or even think of you, I just see like rainbows and flutes and warm stuff like blankets or bedrooms- I uh, I mean like…soup. It was just a stupid crush at first, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly for anyone before. Elsa, you’re a dream come true.”

Elsa’s pale complexion makes the redness that appears on her cheeks much brighter and more beautiful than Anna could ever imagine. This magical moment…it’s something she’ll always cherish and will never forget.

“I love the way you say my name,” Elsa says quietly.

“It’s a very pretty name,” Anna adds.

“Gosh, just kiss each other already!” Serah shouts from the hallway.

They talk for another hour. Despite the looming threat of being fired disappearing, Anna still agrees it’s best she stops working for Elsa. There’s now a conflict of interest, and the last thing they want is for either of them to get in trouble. Which means it’s back to job hunting. On the bright side, however, Anna can now come over whenever she wants so Serah will still have her “big sister”.

As for her and Elsa, they both agree to take things slow to make sure they won’t drive each other crazy. In a bad way, obviously. They both have big, stupid crushes on each other, but with Elsa’s track record for relationships and Anna’s overall social awkwardness, it’s clear that attraction will only get them so far. They have to work for this, if this was something to work for. Nonetheless, they remain optimistic and their first date is set for next week.

Elsa just needs to find a babysitter first.

#elsanna #submission #April 2021 contest #prompt: break

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 22, 2009

Canadians Shopping (Day-Before-Hurricane Edition):  "You first!" "Oh no, I insist!" "No, I couldn't!" "GO FIRST OR I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU!"   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

I'm glad they pushed Michael Jackson's funeral back another week because this whole thing has been feeling way too rushed.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 69

Cheap wine is for the birds. Related: CHIRP CHIRP I AM HAMMERED.   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

Get thee behind me, Satan. Wouldst thou rub some of this sunblock on mine shoulders? Mmm, thy claws feel good. Oops, my top hath fallen off.   @sloganeerist (jtdobbs dur) – 56

I'm not obsessive-compulsive, but this toilet paper roll is on backwards.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 43

I changed a baby's diaper today and she had a totally shaved vagina. What a country!   @SarahKSilverman (Sarah Silverman) – 39

Who's got two thumbs and just sold his novel to Scribner's?  Yep, my friend Lou. I hate him so much right now.   @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 39

My balls are like cotton candy and come in a variety of refreshing flavors. Just ask your mom.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 38

Woke from dreaming the roof was leaking just in time to stop the poodle from throwing up on the rug. I wanted to be a spy when I grew up.   @Moltz (Moltz) – 36

Shooting fish in a barrel isn't really that easy. You have to know about Snell's law and refractive indices.   @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 34

I woke up naked with scratches on my chest, a pocket full of nacho cheese and a midget making me breakfast. Oh yeah, Tequila.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34

Courage is admitting the fart was yours.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 33

Missing tweet #3480703315   @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 33

If the camera adds ten pounds does that mean Calista Flockhart is invisible?   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 32

Awful lot of door-to-door evangelists this weekend. Maybe they're running a sale on Jesus.   @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 32

I made the mistake of calling the H1N1 virus 'N1H1' in an earlier tweet. I think we all know that if it was N1H1, everyone would be dead.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 31

My dad-authority gives me veto power over capricious household rules like "Special K is for adults and Chocolate Lucky Charms are for kids."   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 31

The Hasbro Pink Ouija Board for children ages 8 and up. Introducing young girls to Satan for the low low price of $19.99!   @damselesque (Beth) – 30

While spirituality and faith occupy modest roles in my life, I believe with unshakable certainty that Burger King is a panty sniffer.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 29

My yak milk brings all the Bulgans to the yurt.   @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 29

#favrd is down

[ladytrollfishes]

The Copy Cat Cultist: Hour 3

Installment #3: Sniffer talks to the street kid who tackled Virus. Virus does a deep dive into the previous case files. Download and Firewall contact the last surviving cultist- who has been helmed. 

SNIFFER

While the rest of the team was doing their own thing, Sniffer was standing in front of the door to the kid's hotel room. The trip there was hell, to say the least. At least there was only one person to contend with inside, she thought as she quietly knocked on the door.

There's a pause, then she can hear the kid's voice emanate from the room- "Who's there?" he shouts.

"It's me!" Wait. He won't know who 'me' is. "Sniffer! We spoke earlier?"

There's a pause, and the door nudges open. The kid from before floats up near the ceiling, cautiously peering over the door. Sniffer can hear his suspicion ease, and he lands, and opens the door wider.

"Do you have food?" he asks. "Ah!" That's right, food. She completely forgot about food. At the very least, she can offer up this granola bar she shoved in her inventory at some point. 

"It's not much, sorry." She says, apologetic as she steps inside and holds out the bar to him, shutting the door behind her. "I kind of forgot to grab anything before I left."

"Bring something better next time," he says, but Sniffer can hear him think eagerly about eating the granola and he tears it open accordingly. "Whaddaya want?"

"Excuse you!" She says, resisting the urge to stick out her tongue. She's a professional, damn it. "And, well," 

How does one talk to a child about dead quadrants and do it smoothly? Where is Download when you need him? Might as well just get it out and over with. "I need you to tell me more about Munvit."

"Oh," the kid says, and flops onto the pile in the room. Sniffer can see that he's had a bath since he's gotten the room. The police lady doesn't care about him, obviously. She wants to know everything about Munvit, but she hasn't even asked him what his name is.

Oops. Does Sniffer feel bad now? She feels very bad now. This kid doesn't really have too many people who care about him, she imagines. Luckily for her, the kid doesn't exactly know about the trick up her sleeve. "Speaking of-" She knees down to his level, smiling and holding out her hand. "I don't think I ever got your name.

The kid spits in his hand and shakes Sniffer's hand. It's a sign of bonding! He's doing it because he knows adults think it's gross and maybe she'll leave them alone. "I'm Sanzas." He says.

Sniffer makes a face, steeling her nerves before grabbing his hand and shaking it. Ew ew ew. "Nice to meet you, Sanzas. How's your leg, by the way?" She forces herself to smile despite her crawling skin.

It itches more than hurts, unless he touches it. "It's fine," he says, smirking at the forced smile on Sniffer's face.

"If you'd like it wrapped, let me know." Oh, this little shit. You know you walked right into that one. "Stop that." She says, a hint of humor in her voice before she sits on the edge of the pile proper to talk to him. 

 "Tell me about yourself." She gestures to him, deciding that maybe the roundabout way if getting information might be better than direct questioning. Sanzas definitely seems like the type to give you the runaround if he doesn't want to answer the question.

Sanzas scratches his head, unsure of what Sniffer wants to know or what to say. “I’m Sanzas aaand,” he says. “I like farts.”

That one earns a confused laugh from her. What even? Is this what pupas are normally like? 

"I'm glad to hear that!" She manages between giggles. "Tell me more about where you live." She suggests, narrowing it down for him.

Sanzas smiles a little before he forces it down to a frown. He thought she wanted to talk about Munvit, why did she want to know where he lived? It was small and rundown and in the swamp. “I dunno, it’s mine,” he says. “It’s a place.”

She nods, her brows furrowing together. Was it possible the new killer came from around that area? Maybe. Especially if they're not very strong like the senior officers suspect. 

"Did anything out of the ordinary happen there in the last few days?"

Sanzas squints at Sniffer, unsure of what she’s asking. “No,” he says. “Ain’t a lot of people in the swamp.”

She nods again, feeling the anxiety creeping in. She can speak just fine to adults. But kids from the swamp? S. O. S. Though the mention of not a lot of people hits her. There really would be nobody to find someone who died there. 

"I'd imagine not," She tucks her hair behind her ear. "I was thinking more, were there any strange trolls prowling around or something of the sort." Another pause. 

"Ah...how long were you and Munvit separated for after your fight?" Sanzas thinks for a second, but there’s been no one creeping where he’s been. “Three nights,” he says, kicking the back. Three nights. So that gives you a time frame between when he was last seen and when he was found.

"Can you tell me more about his other friends?" She's not going to ask if he even had other friends, but the thought does cross her mind all the same. If the place is that isolated, the answer is probably not very many.

“He talked with the coffee lady in the park lots,” Sanzas says, scratching his head. “She liked him and gave him hot chocolate sometimes.” 

There was a bunch of other pickpockets he’s run with too, but whatever Sanzas was, he’s not a snitch and he ain’t telling the police lady who else is running around stealing wallets.

Sniffer definitely is not about to inform him that he did, in fact, just tell her that. "Do you know the coffee lady's name?"

Sanzas shakes his head. “She’s always in Alestir Square Garden,” he says. “Sometimes on Freeman and Bolstic. But usually on Alestir.”

Sniffer pulls out her notepad and pen, jotting that down. If she's usually there and they're that close, maybe Munvit went to go visit her sometime during their separation? 

 "Who else did he talk to regularly? Anyone new?" Besides the obvious pickpocketing victim, of course. ...If he was a randomly picked target of someone he stole from, this case is going to get a whole lot harder to figure out.

Sanzas shakes his head. “Munvit doesn’t talk to new people easy,” he says. There was a bunch of new kids trying to take more turf down the block but Munvit wasn’t talking to them any, but maybe one of them killed him. It’d figure- start picking off the old gang and take up the old territory.

Another note in the pad. More turf, but Munvit didn't speak to them. That could be another angle to look into. There could be a chance of someone wanting to win a turf war and using the old case to make a statement. "Did you know any of those other kids personally?" What old gang? Sanzas shakes his head no. He’s crossed paths with a couple of them, but no real words exchanged except insults. 

"Hmm..." She taps her chin with her pen, eyes flicking over her notes as she thinks. "Another question..." Her voice drops slightly. This IS someone's quadrant she's talking about here. 

"Do you know anyone who was just particularly not fond of Munvit?" He was a lowblooded pickpocket, of course someone would want to hurt him and of course lots of people probably didn't like him. But a ritual killing? That's a different story. Narrowing down his list of enemies might serve you in the future, if any names on the list ever pop up further in the investigation.

Sanzas shrugs. Well. “There’s a shopkeeper who hates him,” he says. “She runs this corner shop he hangs around.” Sanzas pauses. No, Munvit won’t do that anymore. ‘Cause he’s dead. “Hanged around. He stole a bunch of stuff from her once. Dunno her name.”

“Also, Ashant doesn’t like him since he punched his pale crush in the face,” Sanzas lists off. He doesn’t like Ashant or the shopkeeper lady either. Sending the cops after them should cool their jets a little. If anyone did it it’s Polflo and her dudes.

More notes. More names. More leads to look into. Ashant, Polflo...She briefly wonders if maybe Download would know any of these names, despite not having lived down in that area for a while. And of course, there's more pangs at Sniffer's pumper. 

 "Hey." She says, putting the pen down and forcing herself to smile. She'd be halfway dead inside if anything happened to her team and she's not even quadded to any of them. "We're going to find who did this to him, okay? I promise." 

She starts to put a hand up then drops it. "I'm going to talk to my team for a bit. And when I come back, would you like anything in particular to eat?" The least she could do is bring him some food, right?

“Barbecue ribs,” Sanzas says immediately. “With a strawberry milk shake and bacon cheese fries.”

"Hey, strawberry shakes are my favorite too!" She laughs. "I know the best place to get one, too. I'll be back later today." She winks at him, waving as she approaches the door. "And-I probably don't need to tell you this, but it's my job. Keep the door locked and don't open it for anyone until I get back, okay?"

 She looks over her shoulder at him, watching him. "Okay,” he says and nods, bouncing on the pile. If he needs to leave he’s gonna leave. But this is pretty nice also.

"I'm serious. We need to-" No, no. You can't tell him that part. "Ah. Keep the door locked and stay inside or no shake for you, Sanzas." Sanzas groans loudly. 

“Fiiiiiine,” he says.The food would make it worth it.

She can't help but giggle. He's obnoxious, but kind of adorable. "See you soon." 

She steps into the hall and closes the door behind her, immediately pulling out her communicator when she takes a few steps down the hallway. She's got information to relay.

  VIRUS

There's a lot still unclear to Virus here. So while their teammates are out doing more exciting things, Virus sits down in the PDPO and shuffles through file after file. If they're honest, that's what they're good at anyways. First of all, and starting in hemo order, they want to see the individual cases. Mask pushed down and nursing a coffee, they stare at the first file.

The first file states that the first victim- Diafke Uksuso was a maroonblood who lived in the slums of Malseka. Their body was discovered on the outskirts of town by two teenagers looking for a quiet place to take mind honey. 

Uksuso had several neighbors who gave comments on their unpleasant personality and did not have close friends or quadrants.

Diafke was murdered with blunt force trauma, a blow to the head, and was taken to a flat area in the woods where their chest was broken open, a sigil was drawn in their blood and their heart was crushed. The case was assigned to a pair of other detectives first- Poppyseed, Disaster, Informer and Freelock, and then reassigned to Shadeeye's squad in Major crimes when the second body was discovered.

Virus takes several notes on this: Blunt trauma, ritual held in remote place, no one who would miss them. Then, solemn, they flip to the next victim

The next victim, Terrat Engate was discovered in an abandoned warehouse. The search for the body began after his moirail, Diorxu Ildoh, an indigoblood reported him missing and noted that their rail had been feeling like they had been followed for some time. Security footage recorded Terrat walking to the warehouse of his own apparent will followed by a hooded figure. Terrat was strangled on site, a sigil drawn in his blood, his chest opened and his heart crushed.

Virus takes notes again: Remote location, probably scope out victims for some time, which lines up with what Shadeeye and Steelwit reported. Possibility of mind control or  good liars. Then they flip to the next file.

Drezum Hielru was murdered in their hive. They were a fairly powerful psion and used it to make a deliver business that allowed them to live beyond what lowbloods usually have in Malseka. However, there was no signs of a psionic struggle. The door was not bashed in prior to discovery of the body, and the hive itself in a fair amount of order. Drezum was discovered by Khedes Zuskus, one of their regular customers, after a package wasn't delivered on time. 

Khedes knocked down their door to discover the body an called the police. Drezum left behind a matesprit and an auspistice, Niosno Eiscax and Lugnio Akzioz.

Second instant of a missing struggle. Signs are increasingly pointing to mind control. Again, body wasn't left in a public place, unlike the current murder. Virus scribbles down the different contacts, also going back to do it for the other two files, then moves on from the yellowblood.

Crinix Dancio was kidnapped from their hive. The PDPO was lying in wait for the cultists that night thanks to Odddream's tips. There was a fight that resulted in a near even trade- PDPO captured Tildia Diammi, but Crinix was taken away. Crinix was found in a back alley not far from the crime scene. The theory was that Crinix was killed in the getaway car and a few cultists had left it to complete the ritual while the others drew the attention of the police. Crinix was strangled, barehanded, her chest carved open and her heart crushed. Crinix's matesprit, Seafti Istuye found the body while passing through to visit her matesprit.

Olive murder was a rush job due to intervention, but still not in a public place. Cult still tried to pull through after loss of personnel, so they probably don't need a high number of people for their rituals, or even a specific one. Possibility of a one-man-operation? Virus closes the file, tapping their fingers on the desk next to their cooling coffee. The alleyway doesn't make sense. It's like the killer wanted the PDPO to find the body. Then they move on to the next report.

This is Odddream's murder. Odddream had returned hive early to sleep and see if they could dream up any more hints. Steelwit was the first to go hive with a headache to find Odddream's body in their living room and a cultist's hand in Odddream's chest. 

Steelwit spotted two cultists in cloaks and masks, and when she arrived with her gun drawn, she fired and killed the one who had crushed Odddream's pumper. The remaining cultist fled out the back but a third cultist was waiting there and shattered Steelwit's knee. She shot the cultist who injured her in the side but they fled the scene. 

Steelwit was unable to move and her phone battery was dead so it wasn't until Shadeeye returned hive, late, that she was able to get mediculler help. Unfortunately her leg never recovered. Thanks to the injury Steelwit inflicted on the cultist, a patrol was able to identify the culprit and two cultists were caught. 

Steelwit came home early to find the victim, possibly suspicious. Virus pushes themself away from the table. The last puddle of their coffee is cold, but they still throw it back. 

Finding one of their squad members dead like that - With the empty mug in hand, they take a moment to just stare at the wall. And then they shake the images of their dead friends out of their head, because they're a fucking professional, and keep working the case. 

They'll have to see later if there's any footage of the fight between Steelwit and the cultists. Because if there isn't, she's a prime suspect. She even has the injury as an alibi; it's almost too perfect. They'll also have to see if there's a standard uniform for the cultists. Note: Cloaks and masks. Then they move on to the teal case.

With the information gathered from Tildia, with the additional two captured cultists, they learned there were 6 cultists left. Town hall discovered the missing files of the victims, and alerted PDPO which allowed them to arrest the cultist who was stealing files. Izlato Crefex was the final victim.

 PDPO had ID’d her as the next victim from the missing town hall files. However, she insisted on maintaining a normal schedule with police protection. 

Unfortunately she disappeared from her escort’s sight. Her body was found in a back alley in town. She was murdered on her way home from work. She was strangled, barehanded, her chest carved open and her heart crushed. There was a wound on her hand from the same knife that carved open her chest that the ME speculated was self defense.  

She was put on a sigil drawn in her own blood and found by the garbage people several hours later when they were doing their rounds. Izlato left behind three quads, ash, pale, and pitch. Tildia gives the name of the cult leader, Girrea Inrifa, a navyblood who served as an advisor in city hall, and arrests are made accordingly. 

The captured cultists turn on each other for offers of leniency and quick deaths as opposed to forever tortured and the final members of the cult are arrested and sentenced. 

DOWNLOAD AND FIREWALL Download looks at the slip of paper that has the helm's captain's contact info on it- "Keenfire, tumblingOdyssey" with the sale paper of the ship "The-Silent-Dive-Of-An-Owl's-Wings-As-It-Springs-Upon-It's-Prey" formerly Tildia Diammi, ex-cultist.

"Shall we?" he asks Firewall.

She nods briefly, then her lips quirk up as she signs, "Do you think they call it Silent? Bit ironic, that."

"Who knows?" DL shrugs and smiles back. "Maybe his pan nanny ensures it."

Firewall mimes laughing and marches over to the -- i presume the PDPO has some sort of video-call conference room -- to ring up the captain.

The call spends some time ringing, before a tanky tealblood picks up the call- their face is round, with tell-tale Rickshaw splotches over their ears and cheeks, and they blink nervously into the screen before coughing into their fist.

"This is Captain Keenfire speaking," they say in slightly accented Standard. "This is the- er, Policeradication Department for Peace and Order? How may I help you?"

Firewall gives them a pleasant smile, which would maybe be less worrying if she stopped showing off all her damn teeth while she does it. She starts signing. 

"Greetings, Captain Keenfire. We understand the helmsman of your ship was involved in a case of cultism and serial murder several sweeps ago, and we would just like to ensure it is still functioning properly."

Keenfire blinks surprised several times and looks back to where you presume the helmblock must be. 

 "I have noticed no such malfunctions!" they say. "When I purchased it on auction I was aware of it's history and so I've kept restrictions to a high standard, but it's been working splendidly as a helm for three sweeps now. Not a blip of malfunction."

"Is there anyway we can speak to the helm itself? I'd like to question it about its compatriots, if possible."

Keenfire hesitates then considers the request. "Well I suppose I could lower the restrictions to allow access to this an only this video channel," they say. "Yes, yes that should be possible. You're lucky we're docking at the moment." 

 Keenfire types for a moment, then the screen splits in two, one half to a security footage shot of the permahelm in Keenfire's ship, the other remaining on Keenfire's face. A tinny, mechanical voice comes from the console. "Fuck you."

"Fuck you too," Firewall signs amicably. "Did any of your cultist friends escape the raid three sweeps ago?

"Now, Dive," Keenfire says and fiddles with the keyboard some more. "That is not very pleasant. I am sorry officers, I have kept it on silent for so long I haven't turned on any of the profanity filters. I will fix that immediately."

"Knew I'd get one shot at that lol," the helm says. "Three sweeps of silence and I get one F bomb out. Anyway you know, I still don't see any eeny weeny teeny reason I should tell either of you a single thing."

"Not even for relaxed privileges? A meal of real food, perhaps?" Firewall taps her claws absently on a table for a moment.  "Or perhaps my forbearance in not demanding your immediate execution."

"Hey!" Keenfire squawks. "Dive is my property, and I paid good money for it! There is nothing dysfunctional in its ability to helm, and it's only though my goodwill that I am allowing you to speak to it at all. You have no papers requisitioning my ship, and I am currently quite a few lightyears away from Alternia as it is."

"Yeah what they said," the helm drawls. "Honestly, you'd probably be doing me a favor. I'd put my eyes out if i have to watch this pompous mother lover prance around naked in the mirror and gel their hair again."Keenfire turns bright blue and slams a key and shunts away the helm again.

Firewall briefly closes her eyes and inhales deeply. Down by her side, where the video doesn't catch it, she signs, THIS MOTHERFUCKER to Download.To Keenfire, she continues, "It's succeeding in baiting you, I see. Kindly bring it back."

Keenfire shakes their head and sniffs. "I see no reason why I should!" they exclaim. "Are you going to continue making threats you cannot enforce? You do not have a warrant and I am far outside your jurisdiction so you cannot force me to do anything. I will not sacrifice my helm for an investigation I care nothing for."

Download puts a hand on Firewall's shoulder and steps forward. "It's a very important case," he says. "We'd indebted to you if you gave us a hand."

Firewall is dying internally, but she shoots Download a grateful look. Diplomacy is nowhere near her strong suit

Download gives Keenfire his most charming smile. "We're obviously not going to requisition your helm, Captain," he says. "And any promises we can make to Dive will be made with your approval, since of course, it is your helm." 

Keenfire settles his ruffled feathers a tad and sniffs. "Of course," they say. "I'm not objecting to helping what I'm sure is a deserving cause, officers, but there is a limit to what I can give!" 

 "Of course of course," Download says. "This is such a key piece of information, honestly, any sacrifice you'd  make should be honored, right Firewall?" He glances towards her and nods. "Perhaps it'd even deserve a plaque."

"Oh by all means give the pompous asshole a plaque." Firewall keeps her face in a bland, polite smile. "Don't tell them I said that. Thanks for making nice."

"It's twenty caegars for a trophy," Download signs back. "It doesn't need to be official, we just need to get this guy to talk." 

 "A plaque would be appropriate," Download translates instead. Keenfire huffs. "I see what you're doing,"  they say. "I don't need a plaque, young man, but you cannot have my helm. What would you want to promise?"

Firewall pulls a face. "What does it want? And what is the captain willing to offer it?"

Download signs back a shrug instead of showing Keenfire exactly what he's thinking. "Well," he says out loud. "The helm did make a request regarding your habits in front of the mirror." Keenfire turns blue again.

"I do not want to hear a word about my 'mirror habits,'" Keenfire snaps back. "What I do in my own time is not any of your business or any of my helms. I am very close to hanging up, officers."

Firewall continues to die inside.She signs, awkwardly, "Sorry, Captain. We have been under a lot of stress lately. What does your helm want? And what would you be willing to give it?"

Keenfire sniffs. "How should I know what a helm wants?" he says. "I do not talk to it." "Perhaps," Download begins. "For a one time deal, your helm insults you for sixty seconds. We don't have to listen to it, but your helm gets sixty seconds to say whatever it wants before you shut it down again."

Keenfire hesitates. "Alright but I want the plaque."

"Tell him we'll get his damn plaque." Firewall smiles politely at Keenfire. "And then, like, shoot me in the head."

"You'd deserve nothing less," Download says. "Now can you bring back Dive? We have to ask it if it'll accept the terms." Keenfire takes a breath as if to steel themself for the oncoming barrage of insults, presses a button and the helm is back. 

"Yes," it says immediately. "I'll do it. I will take that deal. With profanity lifted." Keenfire nods stiffly. "Tell us what you know first," Download says. "Then the captain will lift the profanity filter."

Firewall nods her assent and motions for the helm to continue.

“Well,” the helm says. “You probably won’t like what I have to say.”“It’s still worth sixty seconds though. You just gotta put your head to it for a sec.”

Firewall irritably signs, "Get on with it."

“4 dictionaries, 3 anthologies, 5 religious, 5 kashi-hon, 35 fantasy, 6 love, 1 out-of-print, 8 wisdom, 12 epics, 1 radioplay, 7 bilingual, 4 yearbooks, 100 journals, 2 outsider, 1 historical, 5 non-fiction, 122 gothic, 4 apocalyptic, 2 liturgicals, 3 satires, 262 wordless, 7 outdoors, 12 remaindered, 1 textbook.”

The words flash across the screen as well. Keenfire blinks rapidly. “What was that?” They exclaim.

Download squints at the screen and quickly takes a screenshot.“I know what I said before, but I don’t wanna die,” the helm said. “So I’m not telling you more. That’s still worth sixty seconds yeah?”

"What." Firewall massages her temples. "Okay. Cryptic bullshit gets thirty seconds. Thirty seconds more for every clue you give us."

“Fine fine. Uhhhh what else do you wanna know? I don’t know jack about what’s going on back there,” the helm says.

“What if this is useless information?” Keenfire demands. “What if this cryptic mess is simply a cryptic mess?”

"That's possible, Captain," says Firewall. "But it's essential that we find out this information. Helm, can you tell us how many people were in your group total?"

“1”“2”“One, two?” Download asks.“Put it together jerk.”“Three? Twelve?”

"Gotta be twelve, three's too few."

“They only did get ten of them,” Download signs back.“Is that thirty more seconds or do I get ninety total?”

"Thirty for the library list before, thirty for the number, you're at sixty right now." Firewall rubs the back of her neck. "What entity did you serve? What were you trying to summon?"(edited)

“Cae’thergungnam”

"Ninety seconds. Does anything matter about the sacrifices besides their caste?"

“Nope”

"Hundred-twenty seconds. Were there any secondary hideouts aside from the one the police raided?"

“No.”

"One hundred and eighty. Download, anything else to ask?"

“I think you’ve got it covered, boss,” Download signs. Keenfire sputters. “No one said anything about _a hundred and eighty seconds. Am I to stand here for a full three minutes and be insulted?”

"Well," says Firewall innocently, "you could always sit down."

Download snorts and translates it as is. “Don’t worry,” he says. “We’ll send you two plaques.” And signs off.

Firewall glances at him sideways, clearly suppressing a laugh. "Two entire plaques?"

Download grins back at her. “Two whole plaques.”

She laughs soundlessly. "Did you get all of the list the helm showed us? We'll need that later."

Download nods and pulls on the screenshot. “It’s obviously some sort of cipher.”

"Oh, yeah, for sure." She leans over his phone to get a closer look, brows knit.

“I wonder why he told us like this instead of just. Answering the question.”

"He said he didn't want to die. I assume that means he fears retaliation from the cultists -- or the entity itself."

“Eugh,” Download shudders. “That would.... suck.”“It’s probably not the cultists though- he’s out all the way in space.”

Firewall pulls a face. "Oh, gross, I don't want to deal with some horrorterror on top of its loyal fans. We're going to have to sit down and look at this cipher... but maybe we should check back in with the others, first?"

Download nods. “We should keep each other updated.”

END OF HOUR THREE

#the copy cat cultist #pdpo

[babys-first-campaign]

Courtesy of /u/ThoughtEater1:

The Big List of Racial Slurs

Anyone who isn't water breathing:

Landwalker 

Drowner 

Landdweller 

Mouth-breather

Dwarves:

Beard-goblin 

Flea-bearded alestain 

Stunty 

Pump Sucker

Stone shitter 

half-sized alcoholic 

Maggots (according to legend!) 

rock eater 

Stone Domes 

Gutter Rats 

Angry Footstool 

Rockhead 

Hairy Halfling 

Tunnel Rat

Pubic Face 

Cave Hippo 

Oremonger 

Bushies 

Gut Draggers 

Knoties 

Lumberfoot 

Half-Man 

Gnomes 

Spuds (Both are lumpy and come from the ground) 

stunt  

gold digger  

dirt-licker  

teapot  

hammer midget  

copper polisher  

squash (look like squashed humans)  

rock bitter  

stone humper  

hill/mountain/dirt fairy  

keg belly  

pyrite-muncher  

giant snot 

Hairy Brewery

Elves:

Leaf lickers 

Butterboys

Dandelion Eater 

Pointy ears 

Knife-ears 

Sharp ears 

Chinfolk 

Beardless 

Pole-proportioned dendrophile 

Fairy Folk 

Drow (except to actual drow) 

Pointy 

Wood-Heads 

Fancy Lad

Tree-thumpers 

Dagger Head 

Rabbit 

Keeb 

Leafblower 

arrogant stuck up tree fondling hippies 

tree hugger 

pixie  

bark sniffer  

left handed casters   

waste of immorality  

fairy wannabes  

tinkerbell  

wedgie (they're uptight)  

wingless fairy 

light weights  

mushroom dancers  

faithless woodland sprite 

dew drinker 

fey mongrels 

discount dryad 

daisy sniffer 

weed eater 

bird boned 

oozebait (especially elf children)  

tree f*cker

Drow

murker 

Underscum 

Filth-Skin 

Chimney Sweep 

Cavemen 

Ash-Face

tall dwarfs  

dirt elves  

moss licker  

Spider Kisser 

dwarven imposter

Anyone who isn't a drow:

Iblith (meaning excrement)

Half-Elves

By elves:

Mongrels 

Bastards 

Half Breed 

Mudbloods 

Half Bad 

Mayfly Babies

By Humans:

Fling Kids 

Traitor Babies 

Half Good 

Mutts 

Mules 

Not Enough 

Halfways

Halflings

Hairy doorstop 

Hill goblin 

Hairless Dwarf 

Leatherfoot 

Children 

Dwarfling 

Gnome 

Shaved Dwarf 

Sneakies 

Succling 

Ankle Biter 

Swine 

Half men 

Dire-Midget 

Bilbo 

Runt 

Arm rest 

sticky fingers  

small fry  

hobbit  

shin licker  

all-you-can-eat  

fairy giant

Humans

Soft one (from lizardfolk) 

Round ears 

Pink Thing 

Mayfly 

Pinks 

Dust 

Spoon-Ears 

Normie 

Short-life 

pink-skin  

Joe Bloggs 

generic protag #435 (if a PC) 

Full-lings 

Smoothskin 

Succling 

Swine 

Quisling (a human who spends a lot of time around a dragonborn) 

Dire Halfling 

Lumberfoot 

Pig Skin 

Shortlived 

Monkeys 

Doubling (by Halflings) 

World-blight (by elves) 

Tree-killers (by elves) 

Monkey 

graceless elf 

rabbit spawn (from the elf point of view because of how fast they seem to breed to them) 

milkskins (orcs on humans) 

whore-race (they're the reason for half breeds) 

Cattle 

Morties 

roundteeth

Dragonborn

Lizard 

Fly eater 

Fake-drakes 

Tall Kobold 

Iguana Wannabe

Snakeskin 

Wyrm Wannabe 

Scalie 

Boot 

Scalebacks 

Scales 

Lizard Brain 

Walking Purse 

Skinks 

Man-Eater 

Lizardfolk 

Forked-Tongues 

dragon refuse 

newt  

Gecko 

wyrm reject 

overgrown iguana

For anyone who isn't a dragonborn:

maunthreki

Gnomes

Quarterling 

KneeLicker 

Mini-elf 

Halfling 

Mushroom sucker 

Ankle Biter 

Fat Fairy 

Sniffers 

Tinkertots 

Lawn ornaments 

Bug-Eyed Stumps 

Shaved Hobgoblin 

Glamer-slingers 

Dwarflings 

Trickster 

discount dwarf  

cone head  

lawn darts

Half-orcs/orcs

Swampskin 

Tusk-Face 

Greenskins 

Slimeskin 

Dorc 

Forc 

Necro-Breath 

Pig-Face 

Tuskers 

Grunt 

Scumbreed 

Halfbreed 

Lumberfoot 

The green beast (referring collectively) 

Savages 

green ape  

broccoli head  

ogre droppings

Tieflings

Devil spawn 

Sideshow

Devil bastard 

Hellspawn 

Brighteyes 

Gargoyles 

Bullheads 

Half-Hells 

Pox 

Demon Child 

Handle Heads 

Clip-Clops 

Goat Face 

Unloveables (from Demons) 

Freak 

Failbirth 

Filth 

Unbirth 

Hell-touched 

Tainted Ones 

Tall Imps

Kenku

crow  

raven  

parrot (in tropical/port cities) 

Flightless 

Hollowbones 

Noisemakers 

Mockingbirds 

Caw-Caws 

Peckers 

Copycats 

Jabbers

Aasimar:

God's Pet 

Goody Two Shoes 

Wingless Earthbound bastard Half breed 

Birdy 

Chickenbrain 

Chicken 

Angel Face

Aarakocra

crow  

raven  

parrot (in tropical/port cities) 

Hollowbones 

Bird-Man 

Pigeon 

Caw-Caws

Kobolds

Scaly Gnomes

Little Lizardfolk 

Yippers

Gnoll

hunger slave 

mutt 

cur  

Dog 

Carrion-eaters

Warforged

Rusties 

clinking clanking clattering collection of caliginous junk 

Dumbells 

Hunk of Junk 

Lemon 

Golems 

Walking talking tools 

Dummies (as in training/target dummy) 

Scarecrows 

Dolls 

Marionettes / Puppets 

Made-to-Orders 

Fakes / Facsimiles 

Walking Casket 

rust bucket  

gear head  

scrap heap  

golem (they're living constructs)  

robot

Genasi

Fire

Cold Heart 

Matchstick 

Hazard 

Sunburn

Earth

Gravel bed 

Sedimentary 

Slabs

Air

Leaf Blower 

Spark Plug 

Unfavorable Fart (From Orcs. Orcs aren't great at throwing shade) 

Windbags

Water

Algae Infested 

Salty 

Soakhead

Goblins

Greenskin 

Gobber 

Slimeskin 

Trash Gnome 

Orcslave 

Toothpick-Nose

Tabaxi

Fleabag 

Hairball 

Cat 

Worm farm

Triton

fish f*cker 

Dolphin born 

Wet blanket 

Coral Eater

Firbolg

Giant Half-Breed

Overgrown Dwarf

Half-Baked Goliath

Goliath

Mini-Giant

Tribal Boy

Stoneskin

Centuars

Clippity-Clops 

Horse Bastards 

Half-Horses

Giants

Tumbletower ( tall like a tower, but more easy to knock down)

Nesthair (birds tend to nest in high places)

Indirect Racial Slurs:

*a dagger "a Gnome Greatsword"

*a bag of leftovers from a restaurant "an Orc-y Bag"

*the act of going barefoot "wearing Halfling Shoes" with signs in stores specifically forbidding halfling shoes

*happy endings at a massage parlor "Human Style"

*public drunkenness "going Dwarven"

*vegetables "Elf food"

*the bastard children of non-human races "Half-man"

*unshaven men "dwarf babies"

*whiskey "dwarf milk"

*barrels of whiskey "dwarven wetnurse"

*bad breath "dragonborn singing"

*pickpocketing "halfing handshake"

*picking a lock "banging a halfling's sister"

*stealing a horse "taking a half-orc bride"

*laying a dwarf or gnome "boulder rolling"

#dnd #narration #flavour #insults #npcs #conversation #ideas

[stopwiping]

Ezios journey

Ezio was drinking his favourite high fibre smoothie which consisted of beans, lentils, chia seeds, avocados, bananas, apples and coffee mixed together and then blended together to make what he likes to call “rocket fuel” because when he drinks it he farts fire which sometimes shoots him up in the sky. well one day he decided it would be fun to add 37 packs of laxatives to the rocket fuel and not only did it cause him to fly faster, it also caused him to leave a very foul stench, it was so foul that even Milk the fart sniffer fainted the second she smelled it.

Ezio was enjoying flying around the world but he began to realize that he was unable to stop and has tried crashing into things however that only made fly faster. after shitting out fire for 69 hours he started to slow down but sadly he was he was flying over the atlantic ocean when he started to slow down but luckily when he stopped flying he fell into a pirate ship but lucky for him he let out a massive smelly fart that caused all the pirates to pass out so he pushed them off the ship while they were passed out and used the ship to sail back home but then he got hungry and all the food pirates had were filled with fibre and he decided that he had enough fibre for one day and quickly sailed back home to everyone running away from him because he smells really bad.

#ticlock doesn't wipe their ass #stop wiping #ban toilet paper #no toilet paper #mark skidz #world peace #stopwiping #ezio #ezio smells