#my cptsd can't tell the difference! LOL

[kimkhimhant]

It's me again, I'm hesitant about reblogging because my first ask was spoilery but in the end, who cares lmao. FUCK I forgot about Sara. I agree that the ending was choppy, especially the hospital scene... he moved from ambulance to post-mortem way too fast. What always gets me though is Peter's breakdown. He's alone, and it hits this unemotional man with full force. It's magnificent. I'm also just... sad that Neal was made to believe that he could never fully change. He deserved better. He tried so hard and he WAS succeeding despite Mozzie's disappointed resistance plus everyone else's mistrust. Thanks for geeking out on this with me hehee

hi again!!!

ugh yes Peter's breakdown is heartwrenching, and it brings me back to a line he says earlier in the show, i don't remember the exact words, but he says something about how if something were to happen to Neal, he doesn't know if he'll be able to live with it. and i just. yeah. ow. lol

now buckle up for another character analysis essay bc i can't shut up ever lol

Honestly i have a lot of mixed feelings about Neal's "redemption/reformation" ! because yes he wants to be good, but also... i don't think a true/complete redemption arc is necessary for his character, and i honestly like that he doesn't have one? I think that the most important aspect of his character development in that sense is that, he considers the effects of his actions on other people a lot more by the end, and i think that's all the reformation that he needs and that makes sense for him. I don't think he needs to become someone who commits no crimes/cons in order for his reformation to be recognized.

i think what i'm more sad about is the lack of recognition for that development. he isn't perfect, and he still has a lot of vices, but now his actions are almost all out of a desire to fix things/protect people/etc. Most of the other characters, namely Peter, don't seem to recognize or appreciate this development. Understandable, to an extent – Peter has dedicated his life to law enforcement, and his moral code is, for the most part, aligned with the law. Neal is still breaking the law, even if, in his own mind, Neal is doing so with good intentions, to Peter, the outcome matters a lot more than the intent.

Neal begins the show as a con-artist and art thief whose priority is his own enjoyment and gain, and he ends the show still a con-artist and art thief, but now his priority is shifted. In the later seasons, almost none of the crimes he commits are simply for the hell of it. there's almost always a reason, and the reason is almost always to fix something or to protect the people he loves. his moral code is still very distorted, and he has a strong disregard for the law and authority, but he also cares about other people, their safety, happiness and their opinions of him. He still loves the thrill of the con, and he still loves living luxuriously, he's still impulsive, and he's still very proud of his skills, but...

these things don't make him "bad," in my opinion. He wants to be good, and he is good. His intentions are good, it's just that the way he understands and navigates the world isn't aligned with "legal good."

I could write an essay on that alone. Neal is very traumatized, and very good at compartmentalizing and masking so that no one can tell, and also (this is entering headcanon zone) probably some form of neurodivergence, on top of probable CPTSD and some kind of personality disorder. So, obviously his relationship with the world as a whole is... disrupted and warped by these things, so maybe that's one of the main issues. "moral and good" as Neal understands these things, simply don't perfectly align with most people's definitions of them.

And I think this is the main issue in his relationship with Peter. Neal wants to be good, and is trying to be, and he wants Peter's recognition and appreciation for that. But that's still not enough for Peter, who operates on a different moral code, and doesn't understand Neal's perspective.

Once again, this is very longwinded, but basically: I think Neal did have as much of a redemption arc as he could have had without having a complete shift in worldview, and I really like that about him and his character. That he didn't end the series as a perfectly reformed ex-con, but he did end the show as a good person.

#benji talks #white collar #neal caffrey #peter burke

[xxlovelynovaxx]

Lol, went looking for reassurance about headmates having different PDs and ended up reassuring mySELF in response to someone claiming that's impossible.

Like 1. Headmates have been reported as having different PHYSICAL ALLERGIES, why would an entirely neurological process not differ? and 2. This person was trying to claim something something "continuous neurological processes" but you literally CAN'T be diagnosed with a given disorder if you don't meet the diagnostic criteria, so if some headmates fit them to a *T*, always, and others fit NONE of the criteria no it's probably not "CPTSD mimicking a PD".

also 3. the few people I saw claiming this wasn't possible all said "well you're all just parts of one whole person" and like if you're going to tell everyone with DID and OSDD, disorders that y'all like to remind everyone are (largely) traumagenic, that they aren't capable of knowing that they are actually multiple people and that you know better than them about their own internal experiences? If you're going to tell me, a system partially formed and extremely affected by severe ongoing abuse at multiple points in my life, many of which involved telling me I wasn't capable of understanding my own experiences or narrating them correctly, that I'm wrong about us NOT fucking being "parts" and that you speak for US on that?

If you're going to act like my abusers, we'll fucking treat you like them.

[newhologram]

Feels like I can't trust when people say something is "good" or "bad" anymore. Even more than simply "I like it/don't like it", it feels more like a resonance issue.

When Brave came out, everyone said it was so good and powerfully meaningful. When I finally saw it, it didn't resonate with me at all. I don't need to actually relate* to characters to be "with" them in the story, but for whatever reason, I could not get into Brave. It might be my specific brand of Mommy Issues, or it might've just been the storytelling itself that my brain didn't click with. So when I see people fighting over "which is the best MCU show? Moon Knight or She-Hulk?" and I hear so many hugely different experiences with each project, it's clear it's more about resonance bc something can resonate with someone deeply even if it has major issues in many areas of its production (see: James Cameron's Avatar series resonating deeply with many poc fans, who then on the internet are harassed by the purity police... don't do this, lol. Especially if you're white, it's really weird to tell us that we can't like a thing). Moon Knight is deeply personal to me bc of my history as a childhood abuse survivor with CPTSD, dissociation, and suicidality. And bc of my background in film, it really excited me with its artful way of using film language to explore the system while still handling the trauma and mental illness with care. Not to mention the themes of free will vs determinism and what it means to be a good or bad person, bc holy shit shame-identity recovery is hard. Meanwhile people on the internet tell me it's actually super ableist and the worst most problematic thing ever created and it can't possibly have helped me make huge progress with my trauma work/ketamine therapy last year. But... it did. That's my experience with it. So I try lately to say, "I don't think this thing was 100% Bad, but it just didn't resonate with me." And I find it's a lot more productive in conversations. *most of my fav characters are traumatized older men with vastly different life experiences than me, but in many ways I DO relate to them, but that's probably a gender/neuro/queer/trauma thing for unpacking another time

#teku

[crazylil-lion]

I am hard to love.

People say no one is hard to love but thats not true.

I am hard to love because of cptsd.

I am hard to love because of my personality disorder.

I am hard to love because what I NEED is different than most people.

I am hard to love because of the level of consistency. Validation and effort it takes to make me feel safe but I never will truly feel safe so I need constant reminders.

I accept I'm hard to love.

I accept most people can't date someone with bpd because THEY can't handle my needs.

They don't understand why a minor thing to them is world shattering to me.

They don't understand the lack of emotional permanence and how being invalidated and ignored makes me split.

The truth is someone would have to research. They would have to take the time to understand and listen to my symptoms.

They need to show effort and interest in learning about something that is in control of most of my days.

This isn't me just being depressed and anxious.

I have a full blown personality disorder.

It defines me. Its in every aspect of my life.

Because it IS ME.

And for the longest time I didn't speak about it because of the stigma.

Because everyone says. You can't let your mental illness define you.

Bitch it does. Its like telling someone who's having an asthma attack its all in their head and they are faking.

Just because you can't understand how deeply ingrained childhood trauma and bpd is to my core doesn't mean its not the truth.

This is backed by therapist and specialists in the field.

So yeah I am extremely hard to love. Add in the looking masculine but too feminine that most girls don't want me. And I'm not feminine enough to even be considered non binary. Other LGBTQIA people don't accept me either.

To most I'm just not what they want.

So no one is interested in even coming close to learning about bpd or about me.

And that's why I continue to be alone.

If you are female you get hit on and always have guys giving you validation even if its not wanted.

As a male I've never received a compliment irl. Never had someone walk up and start talking to me.

Never had anyone show interest but I was expected to do it all or never be loved lol.

I don't know that I will ever have love. Or someone interested and I can't blame anyone else.

I'm broken to the core.

And I won't just stop being bpd. I'll always struggle with the self image. The lack of sense of self. And never feeling quite real or important.

I don't expect someone to fix me.

But maybe having 1 person by my side.

1 good relationship I can potentially start to heal.

Just like my therapist and others have said. Being in a relationship doesn't just fix you but it provides the safety and support to start healing.

#mine

[poetandwolf]

just my studio/office where I spend most of my time.

I can not stress this enough, to any younger followers or people who don't have the safe space.

It will happen.

Someday.

It took me until I was 36 to create it. I lived at home until I was 29 (a mix of The Economy, the Grand autism-mo, CPTSD, and being the caretaker of my elderly grandma- which was a blessing honestly you all would have loved her.. She accepted me and was the first one I came out to. Like The Best Human Ever.) from idk 29-33 I lived in a hole in the wall apartment in Florida. Now while the apartment was nice compared to the crime ridden cesspool that was my hometown. It was... Florida. lol. In my home town no one gives a shit if you're GLBT or transition just as long as you like everyone else- stay in your lane. Florida was very different. Florida was painfully passive aggressive and fake.. and.. I quote;

" Its kind of funny for a while, then annoying, then depressing, finally it gets terrifying because you start wondering if these people are rubbing off on you. Its like a giant frenzy of aspiration and lies." - David Grohl.

I came back home to Maryland, and rented with my dad for a few years. I spent a good hunk of my 30s just painstakingly saving every penny I could- not doing things, just having that One Goal. My own ass house. No cons, no bullshit shinny things, no movies. Just... That. And I Did It. And it's Nice. I did almost get my own house as soon as I came back, but because I was still a Florida resident on the books, and it would take a month or two to get the things switched over- that deal fell through. And I had to wait for one with in my budget, and with the things we needed (had to have a garage, cuz, well. Other Job requires it.)

But a mere few weeks after my near fatal 'I shouldn't be alive you have Something Looking Out For You' as the ER dr said Accident. I get spammed with calls and text from my Dad and brother " someone is going to call you about a house. Say you're making an offer." Now, lol. The first they they tell you after your brain gets concussed to never make a huge financial decision. But- House. They text me the address- I check online and it looks cute, it's got enough space. It's prefect and right in the middle of this small little town. I say yes when the realtor calls. They quickly get me in for a tour before work. It's Prefect. It's Home. I'd show vids but my nephew's in it so, hahah. I can't.

I took all these classes, I panicked and got scared and was using One Hand the entire time because my other hand was in cast from the wreak. And they needed this and that and OH ONE MORE THING. And I had to find 'proof' why I made less in 2019 than I did in 2018 because of the Boobectomy and had to disclose "Oh...I transitioned from female to male and wanted chest surgery.." and it happened.

Finally. It was mine.

I sat there with Al's encouragement signing all the papers and was given the keys. I spent the first night in this house on my shitty futon from Florida in the "room with the fridge in it" watching ATLA on a old labtop because the power company was supposed to come by and I had to be there. Spent the first week repainting a room I'd be sleeping in. This whole ass house was the EPITOME of 'Blue'. And I hated the color and wanted greys.

Then we moved in. It took a lot of work, repairing things, freaking out. And it was all over 3 years ago..

it's just my dogs, and Aub/Al- be it spiritual spooky or some weird ass version of DID which compartmentalized into 'not disordered' as my shrinks would put it. It's just US.. By all accounts, a f/o relationship. We're happy. It's nice stumbling about the place planning meals and deep cleaning and doing all that boring domestic shit together. Knowing - this is our home.

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

okay so u're an amazing writer, speak many different languages, are getting a second degree, a good cook...PLEASE enlighten me and tell me at least one thing u are bad at cuz i'm out here thinking u're the perfect woman

okay!

i am bad at organisation/planning of any kind. i am Chaos lol. wanna arrange a coffee with me? uhhh can't do it Right Now or Tomorrow? well, too bad, i have no concept of "next week" or whatever the fuck you call it. good luck!

i am very vain! :) i require insane amounts of attention to be satisfied. ppl often get tired of it quickly lol.

i am mentally ill (bpd/cptsd) and while that isn't a flaw in and of itself i sometimes struggle with maintaining healthy relationships -- it takes a lot of effort even for a healthy person to do that, let alone someone with a personality disorder. if you were actually my friend/dating me, i would probably make that kinda difficult for you lol. i tend to push ppl away or be a bitch to them. i can be very charming while i'm interested and make you feel reaaaally special, and then i cool off super quickly and ghost you the second i got attention i wanted. uhhhh, working on it, i *am* in therapy. this has improved significantly -- i don't do it consciously anymore, but i sometimes catch myself falling into old habits. a lot of ppl have no patience for my internal struggles, and i get it completely haha

i am incredibly stubborn. i have refused doctor's advice before. i will refuse your good-intentioned attempts to help me with anything :)

also i am terrible at any type of sport with a ball. don't have the coordination for it, i was every team's embarrassment in pe classes. i am a good swimmer though, and pretty strong!

#i got an ask!

[violentviolette]

hey, i wanted to ask if you know generally how someone with comorbid bpd, npd, and aspd would present their symptoms?

i have a hard time telling if i have aspd along with those 2 or just super promininent aspd traits. and, also, can someone with the 3 disorders still feel affective empathy but only when it comes to certain things in movies or really specific situations irl?

ignore this if it's a loaded question and you don't wanna answer, i understand if it is, lol.

but, yeah, i just want to be able to know my symptoms so i can try to work on it with my therapist the best i can, but i'm having a hard time finding things on aspd. (i'm 19 btw)

sorry again for the long ask, and feel free to delete this if you don't want to answer!

no worries anon ur all good!

I can't say exactly how someone would present, but I'd say its probably most likely that u either just have traits, or don't really have aspd at all

and I dont mean that as u aren't presenting with the symptoms of aspd or meeting criteria, just that if u already fully meet the criteria for bpd and npd than all the aspd is accounting for on its own is probably the lack of emotional empathy

which can happen in both bpd and npd. all trauma fucks with our emotional capacity for empathy, it happens very often in cptsd. and so a lack of empathy, or irregular empathy, or even selective empathy like u described (this is totally possible btw, affective empathy is a learned skill so its something that can always be applied no matter what disorders u may have) is really common for all cluster b disorders even tho for aspd its a defining feature

the difference is usually that the other 3 cluster b disorders can usually regain emotional empathy after a long enough time spent working on recovery, whereas with aspd that part of the brain is permanently stunted and we never regain that capacity

I'd say calling it traits with ur therapist would be totally fine, and exploring different coping strategies from there. but I'd also work on the bpd and npd most prominently because u might find that as u learn to manage and lessen those symptoms and deconstruct those disordered thought patterns that ur aspd symptoms also lessen and it might make it easier to kind of isolate specific feelings and better Id where theyre coming from to figure out what are going to be the lasting issues that stay with u longterm

#jack.speaks #anon #aspd #bpd #npd #cluster b #cluster b personality disorder #hope that was helpful!

[getintheblanketfort]

Someone said something about why are people with cptsd so sensitive about certain things and all that jazz. Like why can't they just take the stick out of their ass and lol along with everything like "normal adults". And me being the curious and practical cat that I am have been looking for an answer to assist my hoomans with this puzzling phenomenon. So I found this video talking about said stuff on yt. I'll post it shortly. Very scientific stuff, telling us about the different vagal states and why they matter. K, thanks.