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askyfullofcolour-blog · 7 years

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I'm lost

It's been awhile and I think everything is catching up. I had 12 deaths last year, a breakup, lost my mental health support system, had a car accident, 3 friend break downs and absolutely lost who I was. I decided to distance myself from a whole heap of people and realised that Katie and Mylie were the only friends that I really had time for, apart from work and the ones on the Sunshine Coast and Brisbane who I would see when I go down. This year I thought would be different, my support worker business for kids with special needs was booming and so many parents wanted me to look after their kids. I couldn't keep up. I had dreams of starting an organisation and I had dreams of being someone. Someone to make a difference. That's all I wanted. January I got news another friend took his life, my client lost her battle with cancer and I started working for a very stressful client. February came, I was attacked in a dv situation at work and spiralled down hill. The attack took me back to my relationship with Mia and I couldn't remember everything that happened in the attack. I packed up the mother and 4 kids and brought them to my house. I couldn't take my uniform off, I couldn't stop being in work mode because I literally bought work home. The next week my favourite teacher died. The teacher who believed in me, gave me straight A's even if I didn't do the work, offered to help me to buy a car, learn to drive, anything I needed. One who believed in me. Between him, Gabby and Margaret I graduated. I don't know what I would have done with out him. He didn't deserve what happened. He deserves so much more, but to hear him say 'ohana' in his eulogy, I knew he was talking to me. Kim moved up from nsw and moved in with me for a few weeks before venturing off into her own place. Now she doesn't speak to me. Awfully fun. March was the funeral for Glassock, my 23rd and being fired from difficult dv client. I ended up in hospital a few times, I got really sick and lost 11kg in a matter of days. I was accused of child abuse and my name was spread to clients and future clients causing me to lose $1200 per fortnight in wages. I was given a letter of eviction from my real estate to move after I breached them for neglect. 6 days to move just wasn't fair. But between my partner at the time, great friends and great clients I did it. Still waiting for the $5000 reimbursement to come soon. Thank god. I started seeing Kris and from day dot knew it wasn't right but I so desperately needed something to keep me together because I knew death anniversaries were coming up, I refused to grieve over Glassock, Rhys or Patricia. Kris smoked a lot of pot, was unemployed, 36, emotionally unstable, was known by police and had had no care of stealing. Everything that should have deterred me but didn't. What's new? Kris was a Dom, taught me a lot about being a sub and a lot that I, looking back in now know I shouldn't have had to deal with. I swore I'd never be in another abusive relationship and I was. I swore I would never be with someone who cheated on me and I was. I did it all over again. Forgave, put up with and even helped her get her 'fix' which was something I never thought I'd do. I had to have her leave my apartment after I had her in recording that she would bash me and then rape me. I had to leave as I was scared of what would happen if I stayed. Good work cass, you can pick them. Not dealing of everything that happened in the last month I cried over her leaving and even tried getting back with her. Drove down to see her and realised I could leave and detach myself. She was still in love with her ex and I was drowning myself, let alone have someone pushing me down further. April came and I'd been with 3 new clients now for some time. We took on the contract for the pub and Katie and I soon started doing it 3 times a week. I like it. I took on a new client with a non verbal non hearing almost 3 year old and absolutely fell in love with the parents. The father works away from home, mother part time work but both an amazing sense of humour. Little one has seizures and I really wasn't ready when the first one happened. No first aid, no cpr prepares you for that. In march going into April I made a friend in Canada. I professional Dom, someone who was incredibly funny, understanding and had a degree in psychology. We talked for hours every day. Lost sleep so I could stay up and talk. Anyone who knows me knows I struggle with bpd and one thing that comes with that is I can't figure out feelings when I make a new friend. Is it just friendship or is it more than that. I've had it with every single person I get close to. We both discovered we had feelings for each other, both planned visits, had goals. Crystal was another image of me who understood and loved everything I did. Too good to be true? Correct. Yep found out yesterday she's engaged to be married to someone she told me she had ended things with a while before. Who did she blame? Me. I didn't understand, I don't listen, I don't care. Yep no worries mate. I've been the other woman before and I won't do that. Middle of April I decided to message Jane and call off my law suit. I decided that I was hurting too much and that law suit was causing a lot of that pain. I needed to let that go and explain that the memories I had were great and I couldn't continue. I received a message I in a million years didn't expect. 2 days after I was booked into see my psychologist, I hadn't seen her in 2 years, I had so many things that I needed to see her about. Medical, deaths, personal. I saw my doctor, had 4 needles, blood tests, booked for ct, ultra sounds, biopsies and was referred to a neurologist and neurosurgeon and booked in to see a specialist to talk about options for a hysterectomy. I drove down to my psychologist mentally preparing myself, I hadn't slept the night before and I was exhausted. Kris was begging me to stay and that day just was shit. I walked into my psychologists office and had a frog in my throat. I wanted to run, I needed this though. I told the receptionist that I was here to see Jen. To which she replied 'I'm so sorry, she's sick today' 3.5 hours driving down to see her, making sure I had the $180 to see her. She wasn't available. I didn't think. I got in my car with tears streaming down my face. I drove to pc. 8% on my phone, that didn't matter. I climbed over the fence and sat on the edge. The edge of the cliff face hoping the wind would be enough to make me fall. My legs were jelly and wouldn't move. I sat there with my eyes closed just hearing the waves crash against the rocks below. I so wanted to be off that ledge, I wanted to go home. I don't know how I got off that ledge. I don't know how I got back in my car. I don't know how I got back in my apartment. Because I so badly wanted to be in the arms of everyone who had left. I had rebooked my doctors, psychologist and specialist appointment and I just needed to get through until then. May came around. I hate this month, everything about it. 19th was Daniels anniversary, 20th would have been a year for Mia and I being together, 26th is peters anniversary, 30th is Kendall's birthday. Then going into June 6th is 12 months since Maddie died, 7th is mums bitthday, 9th nanas, 11th, 2.5 years since hope died and 13th kirsti's birthday. So many important dates and so much I just don't wanna deal with. I managed to fracture my coccyx with no idea how. My work slipped and I just wasn't able to bring in as much as I need to. Mother's Day I came down with the death flu that with my period the worst it's ever been, nerve pain and a fractured coccyx was the worst timing. I'm still sick. I continued to work through but I was always exhausted but lucky I had understanding clients and pushed through. I'm lost. I don't understand death, I don't understand how I thought finding my family would mean my whole life would change, I thought that I would fix everything. I know that I have to see my psychologist and grasp this but I'm lost. I literally sat crying on Daniels anniversary saying to Katie I only want to talk to Jane. Crystal spat chips. It's not because I'm In love with Jane but she went through a lot with me. Her and Kyron understood how my brain worked. I'm sick of the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain. I never thought I'd self harm as hard as I have again. Burning my legs with acid, pouring acid on cuts. They're not deep but enough to hurt when acid is poured on an open wound. When did this all go so wrong?. When did this get this bad? I need to get back on top of things. Really really need to get back. Otherwise I will end up dead and I haven't made up my mind of if that's what I want. Hoping I can get some sleep with no nightmares with trunks. I'm out.

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gwassysworld-blog · 7 years

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don't hook up with people u don't know

Billy.. u are not the father.. those words were the beginning of the down spiral.

after we got the results, Billy obviously stopped seeing T. But his mom continued to be a huge part of his life all the way up to about 3 years ago. Because I had county insurance for T they put a hunt out for his biological father, and after putting it all together, Mr. Vasectomy, was not with a vasectomy. In fact after they found him we had to go to this arbitrational hearing to set up child support. He showed up with some lady and another baby.. I told him he should sue the drs. and he rambled something about his house burning down and having all the proof in it... proof... u have 2 kids within 6 months of each other, think that's all the proof needed... I found out a lot more too... like that son that was 4, was really like 10, and he was never married to his sons mom he was married though to a different lady who had 2 kids... so jesus, seriously never ever ever hook up with someone u don't no... Mr. Vasectomy has never met T.. I have seen him a few times over the past 15 years for different court things regarding child support.. but never for visitation.. he never wanted it and I definetly wasn't looking to share.. not with that.. So its just me and T.. living at my parents..

well technically by this time was when the move happened.. the house that we had lived in since I was 8 had finally forclosed on and we were out.. my brother had joined the marines, so it was my parents, my sisters, who now were 15 and 13, and T and me. and we found this actually bigger house to rent.. so were off..

oh that job I had at the electronic repair distriburor.. shortly after the paternity test results I lost that job.. Didn't make a very comfortable working environment anymore for certain people... I didn't blame his family for being upset.. but I didn't do it intentionally... I really really thought he was the dad.. it is what it is.. the whole “my boss and his wife swinging with my parents” thing didn't really help the job situation either when the boss and his wife were getting a divorce over the situation with my parents... so there went that job... I did spring back really quick tho and with some help from Billys mom got a job with an insurance company. A really good job.. so some shit happened but I'm on the right track.. right??

the next few years of my life I can make no excuse for.. I can sit back and try to psycho analyze myself and say well I didn't no how to be a mom, I was raising him on my own, I was young blah blah theres no excuse.. I basically turned into my parents..

I some how always get drawn to the partiers, that's been my life.. those are my people.. except all I wanted to do was party. I absolutely hated living at my parents.. looking back though I don't no what I was thinking.. it doesn't seem like I ever had a future plan..

shortly after we moved to what we call the chamberlin house.. I met this guy on line.. ya we moved up to AIM now.. he was 30 and lived with his parents.. he worked when I first met him, but something about he would take affedra to work out, some energy enhancer that later actually I think became illegal.. but it supposibly made him have anxiety issues and he had to quit his job.. so I thought to myself.. this would be a perfect guy to move in with.. Me and T would move in with him and his mom and step dad in their manufactured fancy double wide. mother f-er these people were goofy... His mom I guess was a real nut job in the 60s and suffered from a lot of depression so they gave her shock treatments.. the lady would just sit on the couch all day and pop pills, and try to smoke a cigerrette without dropping it because her hands would shake so badly. His step dad looked like tweedle dumb and had one of those whistle lisps.. I ran into these people a few years ago and found out that they found a bunch of my underware shoved in his drawers after I moved out.. and then there was his real dad who would ride his lawn mower over to visit. He was majorly stroked out and you could barely understand him when he talked. the guy used to be some huge pot grower tho in the 80s and it made him go nuts.. could be what happened to the mom.. ya so good idea.. make it clear tho, me and this guy never dated.. he couldn't do that.. I could stay at his house with my kid, spend money on him, go to different clubs and stuff all the time.. whatever it only lasted a month or so, then my aunt in California calls me.. “Gwassy, I know life is crazy... come to cali”

ok so the aunt in cali.. remember the lady my uncle married with the kid that wasn't so nice to me.. ya.. well when I was 16 they moved to California.. and he was grown now, he didn't live with them... California huh? why the hell not?

I'm 20.. this could be a great life changer!!! so I get my tax return, decide to take Mr. Affedra with me, cause hopefully he can get some help there, and didn't really want to travel alone.. we pack up my car say our goodbyes and in 3 days I made it to California. got there.. couldn't find a job.. couldn't get Mr. Affedra to get a job.. couldn't get Mr. Affedra to do anything but be a whiny bitch.. so money ran out, patience ran out.. and after about 6 months i made it home in 32 hours. just in time for my 21st birthday and move back into the Chamberlin house.

my 21st birthday is a day i probably never will forget .. none of my birthdays have been spectacular.. when i was 16 we spent the day in the er cause my dad cut his finger off.... this time I'm in the ER with my nana... it was the night before my birthday.. she calls me around 11 at night, says that she cant get ahold of my parents and she thinks she needs to go to the emergency room.. that she was cleaning her ears with a qtip and theres blood on it and shes worried.. so i wake my sister up to be with T, and keep trying to get ahold of my parents at the bar while i go get nana.. so i get her take her to the er and my sisters must of gotten ahold of my parents because they arrived at the same time. and my aunts shortly after. We get her inside.. and the blood on the qtip is no big deal.. she just scraped her ear.. but the real problem was that she kept forgetting where she would park her car, who she was talking to.. and when they did the scans of her ear it all made sense when they saw the tumors on her brain. The drs. told us this and also about more spots that they found on her lungs. i sunk to the ground and looked at the clock ... it was a little after 12 and someone stupidly said hey gwassy its ur birthday.. not the right timing.. she was admitted and they told us she only had months left.. i went through this cancer stuff before with my papa, her husband, he passed when i was 10.. it obviously was a lot different then.. to me i remember sitting with him in his chair one night and accidently bumping his ribs with my elbow and it bringing him to tears, and then it seemed like a few days later there he was in a hospital bed in my grandmas family room and nurses were coming around the clock to take care of him.. he went really quick.. well from what i know, they made have not told us till they needed to.. but i immediately remember feeling the greef i felt when i lost my papa. that guy was the only person who ever was close to a father figure, who ever stood up to my dad for us, losing him was awful, and now Nana, i hadn't lost many people in between, no one close to me anyways.. i didn't take this news that well..

but what else do you do on your 21st birthday??? you go out and pick up Mr. Affedra and his best friend that your now dating and you go out to dinner and get drunk. Then when your driving you get in an argument, wreck your car and get punched in the face by Mr. Affedra.. then he throws a temper tantrum cause he cant help acting this way so you drive him home never to see him again.. and u go to bed.. no? well that's how i spent my 21st birthday..

#teen mom #paternity #california #cancer

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