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maximows · 5 years

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Against the Odds - Chapter V

Doppleganger,

MASTERLIST (mobile) AO3

Warnings: a lil’ bit of smut (kinda), fluff, emotional distress, fighting,

I swayed my body along to the music coming from the large speakers at the edge of the stage. Bastille were playing Durban Skies and I closed my eyes to enjoy the beautiful sounds.

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground Dig them up; let's finish what we've started Dig them up, so nothing's left untouched

I opened my eyes slowly as the song ended and the lead singer, Dan, started to talk to the audience. „Are you stoned?” Sebastian asked, standing right next to me, looking into my eyes carefully.

„What?” I narrowed my eyebrows. „Of course not.”

He tilted his head to the side, not letting it go. Well, he did let go, but just for another few songs, until the band left the stage. „So, what’s up? Why are you being so weird today?”

I sighed. „It's nothing, I guess is just wasn’t in the mood today.”

Seb stopped. „Bullshit,” he said. „You had an orgasm, as Chris put it, when you found out that I had tickets to see Bastille.”

I flinched a bit at the mention of Chris. „Let it go, Seba.”

„Oh my God, is it Chris?” he asked. „Have you guys been fighting? I mean it’s none of my business, but you’re both my friends and...”

„We're not fighting, Seb,” I interrupted him. „We broke up.”

Sebastian didn’t say anything and followed me, when I moved to start walking back to my car. I saw that he really wanted to ask, but didn’t know if he should.

“It happened two months ago,” I started as I settled in the driver's seat. “We had a fight and went our separate ways.”

“But why? You were so good together.” He shrugged, looking out the front window, as if searching for an answer.

“Chris is looking for a wife,” I stated. “and I’m just looking for a boyfriend.”

It had been a quiet night. Chris had seen my interview promoting a movie I’ve just filmed. It’s about a woman in her early twenties who gets pregnant and has an abortion, because the father of the baby isn’t willing to help her. After he finds out, he sues her, seeing this as an opportunity to get money.

In the interview, asked about my opinion on abortion, I said: “Well, I wouldn’t let myself get pregnant, if I didn’t actually want it to happen. But shit happens, you know? Pregnancy is a big deal and anyone who’s trying to restrain access to abortion is a terrorist. People think that it’s so easy, that it’s such an easy decision – it’s not. Which is why we need sex education, that’s what prevents abortion, not making it illegal.

And then, asked if I see myself settling down is the nearest future, I said: “Not for a long time, no. Having a family is a huge deal, I don’t feel like I'm ready for it.”

Chris didn’t like that. Not the idea of someone not wanting to settle down, of course. The idea of me, his girlfriend, not wanting to settle down right now.

He come up to me and sat on the couch next to me. “What did you mean by that?”

And that was the conversation I had feared. At more than 6 months of being together, Chris was comfortable enough to ask me about the possibility of being married and having children together. I still hadn’t been ready to talk about it, although I did think about it constantly.

“Chris, I’m 22,” I said. “I might want to have children in the future, but it’s definitely not now.”

“And I’m 33.” he stated. “And, uh, I think I’d prefer it to happen in a nearer future.”

In this very moment, I knew it was possibly the end of our relationship. Neither of us was going to give up on our needs. It was basically the moment, when we finally stopped lying to each other.

“Chris, I definitely won’t have kids before I’m 25. It might be 25 or 30. I can’t tell you that right now.”

“Well, I’m not getting any younger...” he sighed, sensing the same thing as me.

The whole conversation had been very awkward. We didn’t know what to say, because we were faced with an obvious thing we should’ve discussed months ago.

“Me neither.” I whispered, looking at the floor.

The conversation had escalated to a fight very quickly, though. It was a fight between two people who wanted to be together, but had non-negotiable terms.

“Are you really that afraid of commitment? You know I’m committed and responsible, you say you love me and yet you still can’t see yourself having a family with me in like 2 or 3 years!?”

By now, Chris was standing a few feet from the sofa. “I never said that! I only said that I cannot specify when I will definitely be ready to do that! It’s a big decision and I don’t want to regret it.” I explained, trying to be as calm as possible. The truth was, I was on the verge of tears.

“For me, it sounds like you don’t trust me,” he shrugged. “It feels like we’re wasting each other’s time.”

I raised my eyebrows. Is he being serious right now? “Are you fucking kidding me right now? You should have started our first conversation with ‘Hey, just curious, you wanna have a kid real soon?’ You wouldn't have to waste your time on me.” I yelled.

“You know very fucking well, that it's not what I meant.” He hissed. “But, yeah, we should've had that talk months ago. At least your commitment issues would've came out earlier.”

That was enough for me. From that moment I just yelled and yelled into his face about how he’s paranoid about anyone finding out too much about us, like he’s ashamed of me. About how he doesn’t want to confirm our relationship to the media, because he’s the one with commitment issues. And how he expects me to understand that he’s getting older and doesn’t want his children to be born too late, but at the same time doesn’t respect my choice of not having them until I’m at a certain point in my life.

And that was the end.

“I can’t believe it happened 2 months ago,” Sebastian said in disbelief. “I can’t believe he would act like that.”

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either.” I scratched the back of my head. “But that’s finished.”

I was sure that Sebastian wouldn’t just leave this matter. Too much of his party humor relayed on Chris' and mine relationship. I drove him back home and then back to mine.

The only thing keeping me going was work. I’ve had a busy couple of weeks and it’s been keeping my mind off the ugly break up. Tomorrow, I’m renewing my contract with Jaguar at their dealership in New York and giving some interviews afterwards. Next week, I’m flying back to the UK to film Top Gear. Thankfully, I hadn’t had to fly to LA for the last 2 months and it’s been refreshing.

The next day I woke up just in time to start preparing for my meetings. I had started to spend more and more time in bed, as if I were in the first stages of depression. My period didn’t help either. Thankfully, Hannah was always beside me and my friends were only one phone call away. I still had some trouble sharing stuff like that with my family, but it was still alright between us.

The car drove me to the Jaguar dealership in Manhattan, where I saw photographers waiting for me, as it was a media event. I went inside to greet the owner, who proceeded to show me some of their newest models. Later, I signed a promotion deal stating that I would become an ambassador for Jaguar. They also “premiered” a commercial starring Tom Hiddleston and I.

I took some pictures next to the cars, had a few short interviews talking about the cars, my preferences in cars and if I’m actually interested. “I grew up with two older brothers, so I don’t think I ever even expressed any interest in tea parties or dolls. They made me into an actual tomboy. My mom tried making me wear those cute dresses and I liked them, but always ended up coming back all dirty. I like cars very much, I know a lot about them, so I’m incredibly happy to be partnering with a company that is one of the best in the business.”

It was my time to leave, as I had a few more things to do. On my way back to the car, I found that the crowd outside had doubled at least. “Emilia, have you seen Chris’ new photos with Stella?”

“Are you guys off?”

“Is he cheating on you?”

I was a little bit distraught when I heard the first question. My heart sunk a little bit. It took me no time to find my phone, once the car door was closed.

I googled “Chris Evans” and felt years pool in my eyes.

What’s going on? Chris Evans was spotted out with his ex, Stella Smith. The pair have a rich history as an on and off couple. This shouldn’t be a surprise, right? It is, because the Captain America actor has been in a relationship with his Avengers co-star and gorgeous British actress, Emilia Dawson, since earlier this year and there have been no rumors of a break up.

Looking at this now, we do have to admit that Mr. Evans seems to have a pretty defined type. Kelly and Dawson do seem to look alike these days.

I looked at the photo of them walking their dogs and suddenly, I felt like cancelling all my plans. Until now, I still felt like our break up was just a temporary thing and we would find our way back to each other. The feeling of being replaced by just “another model” of me was making me nauseous.

I tried to pull myself together and make sure I looked as best as I could, when I walked into the studio. The make up artist has worked with me on numerous occasions and I saw that she wanted to ask me, but she never did. She did a great job giving my red eyes though.

It was a Vogue cover photo shoot, so I tried to switch my emotions off for the time being and do my best while I was there.

Hannah joined me when the photo shoot had already started and she could tell I knew. Normally, she would ask the photographer to cut the shoot short, but it’s not a thing you can do when it’s Vogue and Mario Testino.

By the time we were actually finished, I was pretty sure, I only wanted to bury myself under my bedsheets. Working on a photo shoot gave me too many opportunities for my mind to just wander off to places I didn’t want it to go to. I didn’t even ask them to remove my make up, because I desperately needed to go home.

“Em, I’m pretty sure it’s nothing,” Hannah assured me on our way to the car. “They’re probably just friends. And she’s not very busy, so maybe she was the only one he had.”

“They’re not friends. Things ended badly between them,” I snapped. “Can you get me an appointment at a hair-dressers today?” I asked.

Hannah raised her eyebrow and lifted her phone immediately. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Three hours later, I was off the chair at a salon, sporting a new haircut – blonde, shoulder length hair styled into beautiful waves. To be honest, that was incredibly impulsive of me. And stupid, probably. The only reason I did that was to make sure I’m not known as her doppelganger. That’s how salty I am.

That didn’t help me, still. She’s older, doesn’t work as much as I do and they’ve known each other for years. They could be trying to get back together. I mean, she could be willing to give Chris what he wants, without making him wait. Hair colour isn’t going to change anything.

As I was getting deeper and deeper into assumptions, I had already ordered my food for the evening. I asked the driver to let me out a little bit further away from my building, because I wanted some air. It was dark already and the streets seemed to me more quiet than usual, so it was a perfect moment for a short walk.

When I reached the reception of my building, the man behind the counter called me. “Ms. Dawson!”

I turned to face him. “Yes?”

“There’s something for you.” He barely managed to put a huge bouquet on the counter. I noticed a variety of flowers, many of which I couldn’t even name. “I’ll bring it upstairs for you.”

The receptionist set the bouquet on my kitchen island and once I was alone, I moved it to the middle. As it was so big, it was in a decorative wooden box. There was an envelope on the side. I saw “Emilia" written on it and immediately knew who it was from.

Emilia,

I am so sorry it took me such a long time to do this. I think you can imagine how many drafts I’ve created for this letter. At least I hope you can.

I had started to regret everything I said the moment you left my house. Or the moment you went to sleep to the guest bedroom, before the morning you left. I wish I had just shut my mouth, because this last month (I really have been writing this for a long time) has been simply one of the most awful periods of my life (it’s easily in TOP3).

I don’t want to get into details here, because that would be just another time when I’m talking and you have to listen to my bullshit. I only want you to know I sincerely apologize for how insensitive I was, how I refused to look at your point of view. I cannot believe that it took me so much time to remember that 11 years ago, having a family wasn’t my priority either.

I’ll be in New York tomorrow afternoon and I would love to see you. Let’s meet at 7pm in Central Park near the bench where you spilled a chocolate milkshake on your white pants (trousers). If you want to meet, please just text me “OK” and I will be there.

I love you,

Chris.

I saw that different paragraphs were written with different pens, which meant didn’t write this letter during one sit-down. I looked all the way down to see a post scriptum.

PS. I’ve just noticed the pictures paps took of me yesterday. How cliché will it be if I say that it wasn’t what it looked like?

I grabbed my phone immediately, but then had to stop myself for a moment. Should I?

On one hand, a meeting means nothing. I don’t have to go back to him immediately. Or go back to him at all. On the other hand, I might just want to drop to my knees in front of him the moment I see him.

“Ok.” I texted.

“You’re such a stupid weak bitch.” I whispered to myself.

My food care just in time for it to stop overthinking and imagining how tomorrow’s gonna end. I played some comedy shows and tried to just forget about everything. It really helped.

The next day I didn’t have to go out anywhere. It was the day I wanted to spend on memorizing my lines and reading scripts for new potential projects. But was I able to focus on anything? Of course not.

I kept thinking how should I act around Chris or what should I tell him.

What if he just wants to apologize and leave? What if he decided that there’s too many differences between us? I mean, should I just let him put babies in me or what?

I wrapped my coat tight around myself as I crossed the road to enter Central Park. The spot we were supposed to meet at wasn’t far from the gate I was entering through, so I tried not to look too needy or ready for reconciliation.

I was a little bit of a petty bitch. I made myself look more than presentable, in case things didn’t go well. I needed him to know when he was missing. And that thing he was missing was a girl hopelessly in love with him, stopping herself from just jumping into his arms and kissing life out of him.

I turned into the next alley and there he was. He was wearing a leather jacket with dark jeans and a baseball cap. Also, he brought Dodger with him. At least I can always say that I’m only crying because I’ve missed Dodger.

Chris was sitting, but when he noticed (and recognized) me, he stood up immediately. “Hey,” he took the NASA cap off as I approached him. “Wow, I barely recognized you, Emily...” He said.

“Um, hi.” I said, kneeling down to greet Dodger, who seemed to be very excited to see me.

“I mean, you look great, the colour suits you... Anyway, thank you for agreeing to see me,” Chris said, sitting back down on the bench. I sat next to him, keeping my distance. Once he was sure it was me, Dodger put his head on my lap expecting me to scratch him behind his ears. “I know it must’ve been a tough decision after what I said.”

“We both said things we shouldn’t have said.” I sighed, looking up from Dodger to Chris.

There was a moment of silence between us. We both wanted to say something, but were too afraid. The good thing was, I think we were on the same page. We both wanted to get back together.

“I’ll start,” Chris mumbled. “The last few weeks have been a torture. Not just because we broke up, but how we broke up. I hated the fact that I said some stupid, demanding things and then had no courage to reach out and apologize. I acted like a selfish idiot and the fact that I said things that hurt you has been keeping me up at night.”

“Chris, we both said things we didn’t mean,” I said. “We’re in different phases and it will cause conflicts. The only solution for that is finding other…”

“I don’t want anyone else.” He stated firmly. “I… I’m guessing you saw the photos of me with Stella. You know we had a very ugly break up. She called me asking to meet and fix this. I’m on good terms with all of my exes. I thought that maybe, if I talk to her, maybe it’ll help me to be a better partner to you. She actually wanted to get back together when she found out about us, but it wasn’t something I was interested in.” He paused for a moment. “Anyway, I thought about what you said and what I said. I was being my most selfish self in years. I knew how old you were when we met and I chose to just hope that your goals will meet mine. I just feel like… I hope it doesn’t make it sound trivial, but I feel like you tick all the boxes and I just don’t want to lose you…”

That was really all I needed to just run back into Chris’ arms. I mean, that’s all I’ve been thinking about since I saw him. “Chris, let me tell you something now,” I tucked some loose hair behind my ear. “I overreacted. I had been afraid of that topic since the day we met and the moment we started talking about it, I panicked. To be honest, I’ve always said that if I even choose to be a wife and a mother, it’ll be before I’m 30.” I explained, noticing a faint smile on Chris’ face. “And I hope it’s with you because I know you’re going to be an amazing father and husband.” I reached out with my hand to touch his.

He looked down at our intertwined fingers and smiled. “So are we on again? Because my mom’s going to kill me if we aren’t.”

I smirked. “I think we might be, but there’s still some less important stuff we need to discuss.”

Chris nodded. “I know, I know. But it’s a good start.”

I got even closer to Chris and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck. I inhaled his scent lightly and felt secure for the first time in weeks. “I’ve missed you so much, Evans.”

Chris wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me closer to him. “Let's go. Dodger is getting cold and it’s getting too dark here for me to look at you.”

We chose to go back to Chris' hotel because he had Dodger's food there. We agreed I’d spend the night there and then we’d move to mine.

Chris was taking a shower and I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed, when his phone ringed. It was right next to me on the bed, so I saw that the photo of me, sleeping with Dodger by my side was still his background. I smiled at it, but then got the stupid idea of going through Chris' phone.

No. No. No. No. “Em, can you check who texted me?”

I sighed and unlocked his phone (we know each other's codes). “It's Scott. He’s asking how it went.”

“Oh, uh, he means our meeting. So if you could just text him that we’re fine now.” Chris shouted back, so I took a photo of myself with my thumb up and a smile and sent it to him. Unfortunately, I am a stupid idiot, so right after that I checked Chris’ inbox to find text exchange with Stella from 2 days ago. There was nothing he hadn’t told me about, which made me feel way worse about myself.

“My mom was actually very mad at me for our break up,” Chris said as he left the bathroom in a towel around his waist. “She yelled at me and stuff.”

“I didn’t even tell my parents. My mum would probably freak out that it’s their fault, so I decided to wait to see if it’s... definite.”

Chris sat next to me, I laid across the bed so my head was on his lap. He put his hand on my cheek and stroked the flushed skin delicately. “I’m glad it’s not definite.”

I looked into his eyes for a moment. He was smiling so brightly; my heart was melting. “Chris, I checked your texts with Stella just a moment ago, I’m sorry.”

I was actually expecting him to be at least a little bit mad. “I’m not surprised,” he shrugged. “I mean, I did meet up with her 2 days before I came up here to ask you for forgiveness.”

“Yeah, but you explained and I should’ve believed you. And I’m not saying I didn’t, but I just saw the thread and... And by the way, I dyed my hair yesterday after seeing your photos with her and being compared to her.”

Chris’ eyes went wide open. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I know, it was really stupid.” I sighed. “I hated the idea of you being attracted to me only because I look like your ex.”

Chris combed my hair with his fingers delicately. “Please, stop. I love YOU, not your hair or whatever," Chris leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Let’s just forget about all of this and everything else tonight, ok?” He moved to my nose and then my lips.

I forgot how much I loved the feeling of his lips on mine. Especially now that he was growing his beard back. I love that rough sensation against my cheek every now and then.

I reached out with my hand to tangle my fingers into Chris' hair. He bit my lower lip delicately as his hand travelled to my neck. “I’ve missed your soft skin, miss.” He whispered against my lips. “And you always smell like strawberries, I’ve missed that in bed.”

I smiled and licked his upper lip playfully. “I missed your dog.”

Chris grinned and looked around the room. “Well, he seems to be asleep in the living room, so how about we do some catching up?” he moved his finger slowly across my collarbone, but I grabbed it and intertwined our fingers.

“Someone seems to have forgotten what time of the month it is.”

He seemed to be confused for a moment and then realized what I was talking about. “Ohh, right,” he sighed. “Hot chocolate, then?”

I got off his lap and walked up to my handbag. “I'll go take a shower. Can you give me like a shirt or something?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave it on the bed.” Chris nodded and reached for his phone.

I went into the bathroom. Since the first night I spent with Chris, I’ve been carrying spare underwear in case of such emergency. I took a quick hot shower, pulled on the underwear and quickly left the steamy bathroom so I could jump right under the covers. To be honest, Chris was incredibly pleased with me being topless in bed, but once there, I grabbed his shirt and put it on.

“Aw, why won’t you sleep without it.” He moaned.

“It’s not that comfortable when you actually have boobs.” I snuggled into his hot (literally) chest and hid myself under the covers. “This is a really nice hotel, why is it so cold in here?” I whispered.

“It's not, you just take insanely hot showers.” Chris lowered himself to face me and pulled me against him. “Now I can finally sleep in peace.”

The next morning I woke up with my cheek pressed against Chris' naked back. I could hear he was talking to someone on the phone, trying to be really quiet.

“... I mean, we did just get back together, Ma. I have to give her some space.” He whispered. “I can’t just say that were going to Boston for Thanksgiving...”

“Get me the Lisa Lasagne and I’m in.” I murmured against his skin before kissing it.

“Ok, she said yes.” Chris chuckled and listened to Lisa speak for a moment. “Mom wants to talk to you...” he handed me the phone over his shoulder.

I took it and turned to lay on my back. “Hey, Lisa.”

“Emilia, you have no idea how glad I am to hear your voice! Your break up had an awful impact on Christopher.” She started. “Anyway, so are you coming to Boston for Thanksgiving? I know you don’t celebrate it back home, so I though you could spend it with us.”

“I’d love to, very much. I’m looking forward to all of the delicious food you will make.” I said as Chris wrapped himself around my waist.

“I’ll definitely make more of that lasagne you like so much.” She assured me. “I’ll let you two spend some time alone, now that you’re back together. See you in a few weeks!”

“Bye!” I said and hung up. Chris was already peppering my lower stomach with delicate kisses. I tangled my fingers into his hair to scratch his head. “You won’t give up, right?”

He looked up at me while slowly lifting my (his) shirt. “I just can’t help myself.” He answered, taking my nipple between his teeth and pulling lightly. “I mean, people have period sex.”

He moved up to nibble on my neck and I acted my back a little at the sensation. “I’m off the pill.” I said. “I suppose you don’t have a condom.”

Chris fell back onto the bed next to me and sighed. “We should get going then, I’m really close to dying from blue balls.”

Once we were out, I held on to Chris' arm as we walked back to my flat and holding Dodger's lead. Chris decided to reschedule some of his meetings for today, so he wanted to walk me back and leave his stuff.

“Now that we're back on, how do you feel about me posting stuff about us on Instagram?” I asked. “I mean, like, sometimes, not all the time.”

He sighed. “Yeah, but not too much, you know I like to keep it all low-key.”

When we reached my building, Chris left his baggage in my bedroom and walked up to me. I was spread out on the sofa, waiting for my prince Charming to pay attention to me. “I should be back in two hours and then we can do whatever you want, alright?”

I nodded as Chris' hand found my chin to keep me in place while he bent down to kiss me. It was slow and sensual. I could barely hold back a moan. “Don’t kiss me like that, because I won’t let you out.” I murmured.

"I won't be long, baby girl," he grinned. "Take a nap, choose a movie, I'll buy all the chocolate snacks I can find on the way, alright?"

"God, Christopher."

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