#oh mai gad this is cringe :))

[she-is-ovarit]

Experiencing generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) to me is consistent, meta harshness towards myself the second I manage to open my mouth to speak paired with panic when I realize I have to. It is an internal battle of attempting to hit every vocal note correctly and communicating a sentence perfectly while having nothing short of discomfort and judgement for my own voice. And once a sentence is delivered, internally cringing and recoiling at how it came out, while anticipating the reaction of the listener and sitting with the paranoia that I came off the wrong way. It is reliving this moment like groundhog day long after the interaction is over.

It's experiencing a slight difference in my body or physiology and being flooded with worst-case-scenario ideas and laying awake all night imagining the cancer. It's visiting the ER or a general practitioner multiple times a year to obtain relief from a medical professional reassuring me that nothing's wrong. It's further spinning out when they tell me that it's good that I came and they need to do further, more invasive procedures to determine a treatment. It's terror and division between desperately wanting to protect my own life and not wanting to take the steps I may have to take to do so, marching towards a presumed death while closing my eyes.

It's suddenly and very abruptly experiencing a nagging dread about a sound my car made three days ago, how it briefly seemed to slip taking that corner. It's imagery of suddenly losing control of my vehicle and colliding directly into someone else, both of our lives being taken in a second or someone ending up horribly disfigured. So perhaps I should not drive anywhere until I get it checked out by a mechanic again, and oh my god my finances.

It's the frequent feeling of "bad excitement" in my chest, of feeling my heart beat, of thought patterns that drift into paranoia and being unable to discern the difference between reality and true danger or genuine failure. It's both emotional eating and compulsive working out, migraines during stressful conversations and an inability to obtain rest. It's brain fog, hyper-vigilance, insomnia, and intrusive thoughts. It's nothing short of absolute distress in relationships about one thing or another. It's having so many thoughts about the passage of time, a clock ticking away towards my parents eventually passing, and simultaneously a supernatural or intuitive feeling that if I get behind the wheel to drive the two hours to visit them in an old vehicle with bad tires I won't make the journey.

It's feeling like this, most of the time, yet it's also having moments of occasional, serene clarity and realness. Sudden, random strokes of confidence and finding myself present as opposed to living in the future. Deeply belly laughing with a friend and the rare, natural reaction immediately made note of. Speaking assertively and fluently during a work meeting and thinking, "Wow, that came across well". Feeling relaxed during a drive or walking down a forest path and falling in love with the color green. Listening to another person and really hearing what they're saying and entangling with them on a neurological level. Seriously and intently trying to hold onto those experiences for as long as possible and permanently impressing them into my mind so that maybe those precious moments will come back to me and want to stay a little longer.

#shitpost #generalized anxiety disorder #mental health #anxiety

[cljordan-imperium]

Ok....Vollrath and Mahala's first chapter up. Jasper has sufficiently needled Meredith for today. Kaylin and Asher's first draft *cringes and shudders* is done. Marcellus & Sorina's 1st revision is done. *falls over and twitches* I cannot write no more! (ee gads CJ that was abysmal English) So..time for reading. My lovely mutuals....if you just get a string of emoji's, I may have broke my brain and tried to repair it with Advil and more cough syrup after a bad coughing fit... Also...*eeeeeeeeeeeee*...for the first time since Clawdette came home, Missy has asked for pets and purred. See....I watch a lot of kitten shorts and Missy would get upset and make noises at my phone. I thought she was lonely or wanted a kitten. SO...I went and found a mini-Missy at the local shelter. Clawdette was 5wks old, barely weened, and had lost her mommy. Seemed perfect. This is where the narrator says - Missy did NOT want a kitten. OH, did she NOT want a kitten. That was in April...they are finally getting along 4 1/2 mo later. Missy is once more sleeping on my bed. And today she asked for pets. Life is returning to normal....ish... I have learned my lesson...no more cats...

[amandacheam]

Last character,

Charian Amerina

(Sister Brother of Luze and Scorphio Nervana)

#charian amerina #oh mai gad this is cringe :))

[hurglewurm]

24.05.17 book of mormon london

so I went and saw book of mormon in london back in may. twas excellent, a highlight of my life, so here below are my thoughts and observations

kj hippensteel → elder price

cody jamison strand → elder cunningham

alexandra ncube → nabulungi

stevie webb → elder mckinley

ok so. at the beginning, before jesus comes on, you can hear all the boys just doing these angelic harmonies and I. wasn’t ready. and I cried a bit

“ah. am jaysus” *lights up*

“you’re like the smartest, best, most amazing elder the centre’s ever seen” was reALLY gay. like that boy was thirsting, bless

kj hit those high notes like??? praise the fucking lord

also the way he said “g’day” in two by two was. so cute

kj’s elder price seemed more innocent than other incarnations; like he was super egotistical, but not as aware of it. he didn’t have quite as many ulterior motives, he just wanted to be a good mormon. kind of like nic rouleau in that boy scout-ey aspect. a pure boy. a very cute voice, smooth and gentle like water. except when it Cracks Violently (which are the a+ moments)

cody as elder cunningham was perfect, amazing, an incredible boy. more emotional than josh gad, not as emotional as ben platt (but no one can be as emotional as ben platt let’s be real) his voice was AMAZING it was so versatile? boy work

alexandra as nabulungi was SO CUTE. my dAUGHTER. and her voice was??? so good?????? she killed me??????? 

“does it mean no worries for the rest of our days?” “um… k…ind of…?” 

in “hasa diga eebowai” kevin’s shocked and aghast little shrieks were perfect: 

“when god fucks you in the butt” “GAH” “fuck god right back in his cunt” “WAH”

during that whole song tbh there was a lot of kevin trying to protect arnold and it was real cute

stevie’s elder mckinley was fLAMBOYANT. and also a very small boy

the tap dance in “turn it off” was SO cheeky. these boys. these beautiful boys. whenever you looked at their faces they were like :O or ;D like all in sync it was amazing

whenever mckinley did a sassy motion he looked very upset with himself and gave himself a bit of a scolding but eventually as the song went on he could not stop those hips

at the end of “turn it off” mckinley grabs kevin’s hand and holds it high above his head as he dances off and they keep holding hands until they enter the next room

“sal tlay ka siti” was so beautiful and genuine I cried a bit and also fell in love

in the scene where kevin is covered in blood and he grabs mckinley’s face, mckinley WENT IN FOR IT. he went in hARD

after kevin broke arnold’s fucking heart he said “it was nice meeting you” but he?? actually genuinely meant it??? pure boy?? arrogant and Very Bad at the beginning, but pure nonetheless

at the end of “making things up again” arnold was like “hahaha” and winked at the audience and it was ADORABLE

in “spooky mormon hell dream” when mckinley appeared he was wearing a sparkly red shirt with tassels all along the bottom, with his big red feather boa, and when he first appeared he took centre stage and did a gleeful shimmy for us and I was alive. then he went and tormented kevin and I was overjoyed

when kevin woke up from the hell dream, mckinley was like “come on, elder price, wake up buddy… it’s me” just a touch sensually and wiggled his fingers and at that kevin made a half-strangled noise of. fear? who knows man

mckinley’s “was I in it” was so cheeky like he Knows what he did

in “I hope he gets to baptizing me soon” she gave it her ALL and I was ALIVE this was my mom’s favourite song

during the coffee scene, at one point kevin went to sit down and he just yELLED in pain and I was reminded of. oh. oh the book. oh. oh god

good kevin voice crack moment: “and when I studied mormon stories and I thought [begin flailing] tHiS DoESn’T MAkE aNy SEnSE [end flailing] I kept working”

“don’t talk to me and don’t touch me” and then arnold immediately just. rubbed both of his hands on kevin’s cheeks. kevin screamed

side comment: arnold stroked kevin’s cheek over the course of the show like. a lot

kevin sang “orlando” so beautifully!! my boy!!! that was beautiful! I love him

after the coffee scene, when they’re meeting the mission president, kevin didn’t bother to fix his tie or tuck his shirt back in or anything so the mission president tightened his tie for him just while he was talking? and kevin just didn’t react like. bitch I don’t care anymore

during “joseph smith american moses” mckinley was hiding his face in shame and cringing really hard, and at times he looked simply dumbfounded by what was happening. kevin looked really, really amused, and sometimes he looked back at the other elders to see how they were reacting. arnold was just stonefaced like ._. “I did this”

hasa diga eebowai reprise? yeah I cried

when arnold rose from the dead to drive off the general kevin was holding his hand until just before arnold’s little speech of “joseph smith torpedoes”

at “turn you into a LESBIAN” the audience laughed the hardest of the whole show 

at the end when kevin was like “I’d do anything for you. you’re my best friend” arnold ran over to hug him and the crowd was like awwww

this show had a lot of those hugs where person A goes in for a hug and person B is like :O in surprise, kind of unsure what to do, before slowly putting their arms around person A and returning the hug and it’s honestly. the best. I love it

and then kevin started singing “don’t worry little buddy” and arnold leaned away from him in shock with the biggest :D on his face

mckinley’s suitcase was pink and covered in flowers and it was real cute

when mckinley sang “and let all our feelings out” he did a schuyler sisters “work” snap but he did it WAY back like he bent over backwards for that snap. flexible boy

at the end kevin yelled “FUCK HIM” and first he was like :O like “gosh I just said that” and then he was like :D like “I said that!” PURE BOY

arnold’s names for nabulungi: jon bon jovi, nagasaki, neutrogena, nicki minaj, necrophilia, nigel farage (the crowd really liked that one)

my face really hurt from smiling so much at the end. like I was basically smiling from start to finish. I’ve never been this alive

#book of mormon #alligates says things #alligates has life experiences #book of mormon london #again. do I ever shut up? still no

[loavesofoaves]

Beauty and the Beast Thoughts

So Beauty and the Beast being a beloved movie of mine (despite its obvious issues), I was skeptical of the live action movie. It just seemed like a cash grab to me since Disney has been jumping on the remake bandwagon lately, and from what little I heard of the soundtrack, I was not impressed. And these things may still be true, but I actually did enjoy the movie as a whole. I guess I’ll start off with what I liked...

—Aesthetically, the movie was gorgeous. The scenery was splendid, the atmosphere was perfect, and the movie did a good job of combining several elements of the aesthetic of the animated movie, musical, original fairy tale, and pay homage to other versions as well. The cgi for the animated characters fit run in; I never found myself thinking “this looks so fake,” which is rare in movies with effects like this these days.

—The movie addressed some plot holes and issues with the original. For example, why was no one aware of the beast and his castle until now? What exactly happens to all the servants if they can’t break the spell, and why were they punished as well? What happened to Belle’s mother and why did they have to move to the village? It also kind of acknowledged the whole stockholm syndrome thing

—The beast...oh lawdy...yeah, I have a bara movie and he was so fucking bara, guys. This movie made me feel like furry trash. Putting that aside, the beast is a bit more developed here. He can read (it always never made sense to me that he, a prince, would not know how to read, even if it had been ten years), but he’s kind of tsundere about how cultured he is. Plus he can apparently travel around the world using a dimensional portal book. This is a very Howl-y beast, and I like it.

—I thought all of the supporting cast was delightful. They pay homage to the original but also put their own spin on things. While the character designs were a little off-putting at a first glance, they really do work with the scenery. The feather duster design, for example, is a gorgeous glass peacock; much improved from the original in my opinion. I’m glad they gave Audra McDonald (the wardrobe) more to do because it would’ve been a total waste if she didn’t sing. Josh Gad humanized Lefou, having him as more of a Shakespearean fool than a bumbling sidekick, and the straight man to Gaston’s delusions. As for the “gay” moment? It really wasn’t anything, but at that point I guess I just wanted him to be happy (he ends up dancing with a minor character who is revealed to be queer in a funny way). Kind of sad a lot of people think two men dancing with each other needs to be censored in 2017 and not bestiality, but here we are. (Also still bitter with the missed opportunities between Lumiere and Cogsworth. Lumiere is totally a polyamorous bisexual, am I right? But seriously though I just watched the animated version the other day and the sexual tension is undeniable.)

—Also, I’d like to add the movie shows all the servants becoming inanimate as the beast dies and I almost cried.

—There were all sorts of little funny moments here and there. Belle geeks out over the library. The beast hits her with a massive snowball and knocks her over. Belle jokes at the end that the prince should grow a beard. Stuff like that.

—The music, for the MOST PART, was lovely.

—The movie was more diverse than I expected it would be (and by “diverse,” I mean there’s black people). Baby steps, Disney, baby steps.

—Maurice actually draws and invents useful things and not a stupid wood-chopping machine. And Belle does a bit of drawing and inventing herself. It makes no sense in the animated movie that she, an inventor’s daughter and being as well-read as she is, wouldn’t at least have some mechanical knowledge.

And also, a caveat on Gaston:

—I enjoyed Luke Evans in the movie, but he plays a different Gaston from the animated version. His Gaston is less hammy and machismo and more of a charming psychopath. Still a fun villain, but definitely less meme-worthy. I found his character interesting because at the beginning of the movie, I honestly thought he might end up being redeemed, but he out-Gastoned Gaston in how sinister he revealed himself to be.

Now here’s the not-so-good:

—Emma Watson just didn’t deliver as Belle. She was stiff, she didn’t have the pipes (she tries, but her voice is meek and auto-tuney), and she just lacked  passion in most scenes, especially the beginning. I understand why it’s tempting to think Hermione would make the perfect Belle, but considering this was a movie-musical, they really should have cast someone with a stronger voice. Because the movie starts off with “Belle,” the first 15–20 minutes were lackluster.

—The beast transforming back was 10x worse because he’s even hotter as a beast in this version and even uglier as a human. I cringed. Judge me if you will.

—Both Belle and the Beast have some added backstory here that are not nearly as developed as they should be, although Belle’s story (she lost her mother but her father wouldn’t tell her why. Anticlimactically, it’s the plague, and Maurice had to leave his sick wife behind. Was the plague even still a thing during these times?) We learn the Beast’s mother also died and he apparently had an abusive father, but it’s kind of mentioned quickly and then never brought up again. It just seemed like a lazy afterthought to attempt to make excuses for the Beast.

—The enchantress also left me scratching my head. Apparently she lives in woods as a sort of medicine woman named Agatha? And Maurice somehow knows who she is? I was really hoping there would be more of a twist with her; maybe she’d be one of the dead mothers...but nope. She was just kind of there.

Overall, I give this movie a B for “Bara Bestiality.” You’re welcome.

#beauty and the beast #2017