#oh special boy are you really special or just another one dimensional novelty

[craycraybluejay]

I'm afraid not seeing him only makes it worse with time. My mind wanders without a, whats that thing called, the opposite of a conductor? Something that stops the flow of electric current. Ugh. Insulator! Yeah. That. Without him here, without feeling out how things can and will actually go, my mind goes in all sorts of directions conjuring up beautiful horrors.

I want to see what his face looks like, how his body reacts as I show him a video of a man getting gored something awful. I want to eat his fear like a Thanksgiving feast, and lord, would I be grateful on a night like that.

It keeps rotating in my head. The Perfect scenarios. Messing me up making it difficult to focus. I worry that he is not genuine in his expressed desire to make a friendship. I worry that twice a week is too many times to ask if he is busy, if I should just wait. I'm so impatient, you know? I hate the not knowing. The social cat and mouse game of trying not to scare someone off. I'm so excitable! He chose to excite me at least one of the quite a few times in a short period. One time, he proposed a true, wondrously whimsical undertaking, a real adventure like in a fantasy novel! To create something that is so unique and so magical in its simple ingenuity that truly I wanted to pick him up and spin him around for delivering upon me such a splendid idea!

I want not to trust my doubts, because his idea was so alive so real so magical that there was no way it could mean unwillingness. Of course, people get busy, very busy, as seasons change schedules do, it isn't such a betrayal to have a packed schedule. I am not insecure, but I do know people dislike me. But he? He may be special. He may be a valuable part of my mirror monster. The heart. No, this is not a meraphor for romantic feelings.

Maybe even he will be a part of what turns me away from this sick undertaking, shows me that people can be. Like me enough and not like me enough and I can learn to deal, with enough people. But no, I want me some beautiful monsters. Grisly messy pretty people. I want to see what makes his eyes really sparkle and what makes him afraid.

Oh I do not love but I do obsess. I'm so FASCINATED with all this. Distracted as I was by personal tragedies of late, my mind had not been taken off him and related subjects for long. I have a desire to know this person I do not know enough yet. How doth the gears turn? Buttons and switches, what do they do? Undeniably he is my type, young and pretty and full of delicious reactivity. But too, he is my type in another way, perhaps. I hesitate to say a kindred spirit, but he has a whimsy about him that inspires me to assume a past form I had buried. To think of the truly mad adventures we could embark on fills me with such excitement I cannot contain it. I wish I could bottle it.

How long will this interest persist until it fades? Likely only as long as I become used to him and understand that he is no different. Until I am disappointed. But God! Imagine if this time it was different somehow. If I had just found my first piece of a million-fragment puzzle. Wouldn't that be neat?

#ramblings #ah ah ah #you all could never understand my VISION #journal #personal #delete later #maybe #oh special boy are you really special or just another one dimensional novelty #giggling and kicking my legs #i want to force my fingers into his intestines #haha :) #in like a friendly way you know