#ok i'm done for real. but one thing is just.

[perfectfangirl]

notes after rewatching fallout s1 ep1

so once again like a crazy person [i've done this with star wars sequels before] i've decided to take three and half pages of notes over the course of an hour. i've been a fan of the games for at least a decade and i'm actually always watching lore content between the installments though so while i do know some minute details, within the show, there was some things i was interested in and curious about that i just decided to jot down. some of this may be things discussed already and some of it might be something i wasn't sure if anyone brought up before but anyways! maybe i'll do the whole season, but here's my ramblings • them titling the episode "the end" was when i knew i'd love the show • ok but i really wonder if cooper can still do those party tricks? he was really good at them and lucy would probably love them too 🥺 • thinking back, the radio in the first scene mentions not knowing where the president is--- beginning to wonder if he was the guy sitting in on the vault tec meeting • just realized they introduced the mr. handy robot in some of the first scenes • ten years of nuclear threat according to anchor but the show is careful not to give away all the cards because why does the weather anchor make it seem like they know when the bomb will drop? idk but birthday boy mother turns off tv real "head in the sand" like • the nat king cole song that's playing though [wondering if the song is mirroring specifically cooper's feelings about barb despite everything hmm] • horse's name is sugarfoot 🥹 • him having to pay alimony... wonder what the prenup? was like... [still think he probably loves barb 😞]

• them calling him a pinko despite him being an architect of vault boy's persona, a quintessential presentation of a "man's man" acting as a cowboy, a real cowboy, a former marine--- wondering if there was a smear campaign after his situation with barb and vault tec, him working children's parties leads me to believe... • did the kid's say the birthday boy's name was boyd? [if so, there's another character in the games with this name and this is also the name of a character walton has played in another series, funny] • weather man show's up again distressed, wondering if we'll get more info about that day • everyone ignoring, cognitive dissonancing their own nuclear annihilation is so prescient if not disturbing and damning

• him teaching janey the thumb thing ☹️ • cooper's voice when he says "let me see if i can't rustle you up a piece" 😩 • janey being the only one to notice the first bomb • the fear in cooper's eyes • cooper being in denial one last time before realization sets in • people becoming animals the moment they realize what's happening--- one guy punches his friend not letting his family into the fallout shelter • people getting into their cars and cooper onto his horse to escape--- wonder how fast they could be since it doesn't seem you could outrun nuclear annihilation

• lucy being raised so well under the circumstances 😔 [hope she never becomes her father] • i haven't trusted steph since episode one • lucy being a teacher [amongst other things] and asking maximus about what happened after the bombs fell makes so much sense [and also much like another person suggested is an interesting juxtaposition to cooper's pre war knowledge] • lucy showing how skilled she is for being a marriage candidate when in reality we are seeing someone fit for the wasteland is crazy on second watch • is lucy not watching a cooper howard movie with her dad? hello??

• them reading "war and peace" in the family book club is rich • lucy [thinking] she's not good at guns, ironic • steph having to step in like a sisterly type because lucy's mom isn't there 😞 • the wedding dress on lucy being ill fitting, tight as symbolism for lucy not truly "fitting in there" and being constrained [foreshadowing] oof • the vault boy sign in the back saying "don't lose your head" lmao • didn't catch the "cousin stuff" until someone mentioned it on tumblr and twitter 💀

• the flashback we see of lucy ending up being almost a false memory, a misrepresentation of her actual memories, that she has been on the surface, in the sun • norm taunting lucy about her future husband being "anybody" and a "cannibal, crammed full of tumours" 😭 unfortunately for ghoulcy, this was some of the heaviest foreshadowing [the raider also could have been one too] • why didn't hank recognize moldaver? • so many things i still don't understand about vaults 31, 32, 33 • the growing realization they are raiders was pretty funny to me lmao

• moldaver having to sit through the disingenuous lies of hank ugh • norm going into vault 32 like they wanted them to know what was up? or is that just how vault doors work? they used lucy's mom's pip boy [that hank lied about burying] • lucy putting norm in a protection vault, she really is so strong • the handed down wedding dress getting messed up • i am curious if the raiders [shady sands survivors?] only mostly harmed vault tec aligners but maybe not • the way hank and steph retaliating a little too well • hank acting like he doesn't know moldaver when everyone really does know moldaver • moldaver telling lucy she looks like her mother is really such a tipoff

• realizing maximus is getting bullied 😭 • dane... might love maximus a little idk • from latrine duty to basically ruling over the brotherhood of steel • they really showed some dude jacking it lmao it's just normal i guess 💀 • maximus being defeated and having a rightful outburst of emotion, poor guy • the poster saying "the outside world can never harm you"--- funny • chet would've died up there 😭 • them not opening the vault back up for her, wondering if the vapourized bodies are from the initial bomb drop or the subsequent shady sands ones • dane almost gets maximus killed three times tbh • maximus joined the brotherhood of stell to get back at what vault tec did, essentially hank's doing, hank has many enemies

• knowing the enclave, it makes sense why siggi is hunted • cooper the ghoul's introduction though • the bounty hunter saying his captors dig cooper up every once in a while to cut pieces of flesh off him 😞 no wonder cooper acts the way he does 😔 he's been taken advantage of, no wonder he doesn't trust anybody is horrible to everyone • "why is this an amish production of "the count of monte cristo" or the weirdest circle jerk i've ever been invited to?" why would he say this 😭 • cooper's... been invited to circle jerks 👀 • does the bounty hunter know the ghoul is cooper howard?

• him not harming the chicken, him healing dogmeat, there's something there, folks • people only digging him to use him again 😞 • what a coincidence he's dug up just as lucy leaves the vault • "i do this shit for the love of the game" he's a character, he's playing a character, real theatre kid • hence why cooper is introduced as "the ghoul", cooper is long gone • "us cowpokes, we take it as it comes" something about this lineee

#fallout #fallout show #the ghoul #ghoulcy #lucy #maximus #cooper #text post #my meanderings

[whatgaviiformes]

Ficlet: (for FishTank Week)

All I've got in my for the moment is mini scenes, so here's a combo of prompts 1 and 2. :D

“Virg-?”

“No.” Virgil didn’t have the bandwidth for Gordon's Gordonness today. Not while the smudge on Thunderbird Two's wing, which he'd been trying to buff out all morning, was entirely Gordon's fault. See if he ever lets him pilot Two ever again.

“Aww come on, bro. I haven't even said anything yet!” Despite the blatant whine, there was a smile in his words. Which he was ignoring; Virgil was intentionally trying to focus on Two’s paint job. 

Gordon leaned in to intrude on Virgil's space, and he was forced to look at him. Not a hint of remorse, the little shit. 

Heavily, Virgil sighed. “Whatever it is you want, my answer's no.” 

“Two looks fine, Virgil, I’m don’t even see -”

“I do!” 

“Okay, big guns I guess.” Finally, Gordon’s expression cracked, a little too forced to be real. “Tickets to the Phil! Next time we are in the city,” Gordon bargained. His eyes twitched as he offered, “I'll even go with you.” The smile widened, losing no luster, as he pretended he was happy to provide such an option. 

Biting back a grin, Virgil crossed his arms. Considering Gordon couldn't sit still for more than five minutes and would often fall asleep within the first minute of an andante movement, the offer of the symphony was a serious trade indeed. Philharmonic for what, though?  “Ok, I'm listening.” 

“I need a wingman. Hold on, hear me out before you give me that look. There's this lecture…”

Apparently it was not just one lecture, but a series of them over the upcoming weekend. And for all his elusiveness earlier, Gordon had fully buried the lede, considering Monterey asked him specifically to guest speak. Not as International Rescue or the Olympic medalist, but solely based on an article he’d gotten published about dolphin pods and life cycles. 

He knew the one. It was a good article, as researched and thorough as it was approachable. Reading it, he could hear Gordon’s voice throughout, and Virgil knew Gordon thrived in public speaking. A bold thought, but there was a part of him that considered seriously: if Gordon had ever cared enough to try to go after Scott’s job, he probably could’ve done so based on his charisma alone. It was a good thing Gordon valued his own unapologetic authenticity more than the business acumen taught to them by their father. 

Gordon’s had been a different journey. 

Virgil loved that for him, and loved him for it. Much more than a silly paint smudge. 

“Gordon,” Virgil holds up a hand to interrupt him mid-pitch. “You can stop. Of course I’ll go with you to listen to your presentation.” Relief visibly coursed through the aquanaut, and Virgil flicked his microfiber cloth against his chest. “I’m still cashing in on the symphony, though.” 

“That’s fair.”  

“You could’ve just said you wanted company, you know. I would’nt’ve said no.” 

Gordon clapped him on the back, beaming. “Nah, what’s the fun in that? Besides, this is what we do. And I’m getting the better end of the deal, anyway. The show’ll be -  what? - three hours at the most. You’re the one that has to deal with three days of fish,” he squeezed his shoulders, laughing, “and three hours of me fidgeting.”

Virgil groaned. And it wasn’t because of Gordon’s strong grip on his shoulders. 

And just like that, Gordon released his hold and pranced off as quickly as he’d arrived. 

“You’re the worst,” Virgil shouted after him.

Gordon just shimmied away in response.

#fishtankweek2024 #fishtankweek #gavii scribit #ficlets and bits

[valleydean]

Literally 5 seconds later.....

#ok i'm done for real. but one thing is just. #i love that he calls wyatt deacon in this show #every time he does it i just. i don't know what to do i just. #i can't--i-- #if you think that isn't going in my script as an homage to this show idk what to tell you #it's just too insane #docatt #life and legend of wyatt earp #the life and legend of wyatt earp

[a2zillustration]

What am I gonna do when croissant finishes the game their journey... TT_TT I don't wanna say goodbye to them!!

I don't know buddy I've been wondering the same thing :') Let's not think about it-

#Real talk despite knowing very little about the ending I DO have a small handful of comics I'd like to make about post-game depending on- #-how things go #I also have a slew of breadweave comics that weren't in-game events I'd like to make too #Regardless I don't think I'll just drop Croissant like a hot potato once we're finished with the game! #I love them and still really enjoy the BG3 community #but I think I will take a little break from comics for a short period #It's been....a lot of work. And a lot of the /same/ work - for months. haha #.......I am however considering making a short (non-bg3) graphic novel with a writer friend bc as it turns out making comics IS fun #We'll see! #Ok I'm done sorry for rambling ngjfkdlnsjkh #asks #Wait I'm not done one more thing: not wanting to say goodbye to Croissant is also why I STILL haven't finished the game T____T #I'm getting really close and I am SCARED

[b4kuch1n]

fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot

#sk8 the infinity #kyan reki #hasegawa langa #renga #sure whatever. tagging ship is probably easier than explaining what the fucks up with these two in my head #hi. I watched sk8 with my friend cosme a while ago. I actually dont care about the allegations that much I just got #blasted with teenage years flashback. and now I need reki to have everything on earth and be well #these have been around for like a week lol Ive just been debating posting them to tumblr. bc like. Im not finishing these lol #hesitant to call sk8 ''therapeutic'' but boy oh boy. does it make me confront some stuff. yes a sport anime leave me alone!!! #its just. I think I was this way about raz too actually. listen I have History with Stuff. I'm allowed ok? I'm totally allowed #u can See it in some of these doodles actually. this fuckign anime got me so unwell #hey. if ur a fellow adhd potentials-havers out there. ur a real one. thanks for still hangin out doin what u love/ur best #if u were an 'if u wanna do art u have to be excellent and high-art at it otherwise it means nothing' kid. I am holding ur hand #I'll be normal now I prommy (lying) #well. what I'll be doing now is taking a nap. maybe. gods my schedule backslid like four hours again #eh whatever. I go to bed anyway. got my portion of the day done and tomorrow I go buy new knife #hope someone come give me a new table top and lower the whole thing a bit soon. so I can stop sitting like Im in a shopping cart #have a good night lads. have fun. its imperative

[s1ithers]

ok one post about the ign interview bc the bit about the evil route just hit so weird

putting aside my initial reaction that it's a condescending way to treat your audience, it's like genuinely—what's the point of an evil run? what do people want out of that? many possible answers, my main one would be to explore a character with different motivations. but they went with, 'let the player indulge the worst impulses they're assumed to have and then punish them for it,' and, why?

yeah, killing the tieflings is heinous and feels bad. but discussion that takes the scenario itself as a given and goes 'how could you the player choose to do this horrible thing, of course there's less content, what did you expect' like man...i wanted to see the other option in your branching-choices rpg. you, the writers, have full control over this whole setup. a secondary/evil route could have been anything. you chose to make it this. why put it in if it's a narrative dead-end that just exists a moral gotcha? why center the big act 1 choice point around that?

it feels like a dm going hey dipshit, if you keep killing all my npcs there's not going to be any story, which, fair. but you're making a video game, you hold all the cards. why so much focus on rebuking the worst kind of players when you're free to just not write avenues for that kind of behavior into the plot

it's like they're wedded to one conception of what an 'evil' playstyle is that they feel obligated to but don't really respect or want to write for. by dnd law, we HAVE to include The Evil Route where you kill everybody indiscriminately, but if you take it you're bad and you should feel bad. and again, just....why spend the resources on smth you have contempt for. it doesn't have to be wanton destruction. there's a thousand more interesting ways to do dark side characters. why not come up with an alternative way for PCs to interact with the plot that you're actually enthused about writing?

#well the budget factor i guess #i'm not even that big on playing evil in rpgs it wouldn't get my goat the way it does except #i think the whole thing is brought down by this sort of heavy-handedness they keep confirming isn't just my imagination #like roleplay comes in two modes. goody twoshoes & murderhobo #i don't want to play either of those man i just want to play an assortment of little guys who belong to world they live in #tho the one writer who said he likes playing evil bc it's shorter and you get more cool fights........he is real for that #bg3 #ok i'm done bitching about this lol #i've got it out of my system #like the take that an empty world is 'true reactivity' i.e. truer than swapping in different content. i'm just. i'm just. #how is that not just putting your story on rails. i'm #ok i'm done for real

[magentagalaxies]

i really want to start making a table collecting statistics on the audience demographics i'll perform my aubrey material for (like what generation most of the audience is, whether i'm performing in a predominantly queer space, etc.) and how well the jokes land bc like. i need to collect more data points before i can properly present my findings but the results so far have been fascinating

#again i do not have enough performance experiences to make any definitive claims about who ''aubery's audience'' is #but i find it funny that any time i show my aubrey material one-on-one to a queer gen z person #they're always like ''i love it but straight people will definitely hate it or not get it'' #and i get the inclination to be like. ''i like this thing so people like me will like this thing'' #and cishet society seems so polarized w/r/t queer topics it's like. the assumption makes sense #however. whenever i've done an aubrey performance in front of an audience that's predominantly queer and gen z #i've actually received a primarily negative response!! and somehow straight people have never given me shit for my aubrey material #(''well straight allys don't count'' i told some of my aubrey jokes to a joe rogan dudebro and he enjoyed them) #(which yeah maybe could be a mark against my comedy but i like to think i opened his mind a bit at the very least) #i really want to test my aubrey monologues in front of a primarily gen x/boomer audience #bc so far i only have actual performance experience in front of gen z or millennials #and the older people i've told jokes to individually or shown videos of my stuff have really liked it #luckily paul has said a goal for when i'm in town this summer is to get me to perform my aubrey stuff in as many different places as possib #for both queer audiences and non-queer audiences so i can gauge reactions since i don't want to be confined to one demographic #so i'll get a lot of data points this summer #@ paul get me a performing slot at senior citizen pride lmao these are my people #(shoutout to paul going ''jess stop collecting the old homos!'' last time i was in town) #(and when i imitated him and was like ''old gay men are not your pokemon!'' bellini was like ''ok but they may be your audience'') #also one data point i really want to see the variation on is how my one specific joke plays in these different demographics #bc i have a joke that like. it's literally not even about AIDS and doesn't punch down at all #i literally say ''if you're gay and over the age of 50 you could violate the geneva convention and i'd still be like support our troops'' #like obviously being like ''you have been through hell so i will let you get away with literal war crimes you deserve ultimate immunity'' #BUT. in the line right before the quote i use the phrase ''AIDS generation'' not as a derogatory term but being like. #this horrible thing impacted the entire generation y'know? and bellini and scott and their friends call themselves that it's just the term #but when i said the phrase ''AIDS generation'' in front of my gen z audience i heard gasps and felt like they all hated me #and when i did the same line in front of millennials it wasn't quite as striking but their eyes did widen #like i was suddenly an ''edgy comedian''. but like this is a part of our history and it does inform the story i'm telling #the story i'm telling is comedic but it's grounded in this real world context #and i'm like. @ the audience who was offended: when was the last time any of y'all spoke to a gay man over the age of 50 #bc bellini loves that section of the monologue and was offended that people would even take offense to that phrase

[leatherbookmark]

oh god okay i understand that maybe not everyone is as indecisive/comfortable with saying "it depends!" as me, but like, i'm sorry, i'm sorry, but i just can't take people who call izzy a villain seriously

#he's a little annoying dude. i swear to fuck #'the real villain in the show is the system and izzy is siding with the system' babygirl he's a pirate 😭 he really isn't 😭 #he could NOT more clearly be -- he literally IS -- that kind of gay man who wears his leathers and anger as an armor because being scary ha #been his way of fighting The System => being consumed and destroyed by it; and who looks down and feels disgusted by flamboyant #and effeminate soft-handed gays because if they're this soft then they clearly haven't experienced this kind of abuse that would make them #harden up. ....you know what i mean. #like idk this show in general like... doesn't have a 'villain'? it's about stede (and ed's) journey and their development. not necessarily #about their Conflict With Someone/Something. i guess it might change in s2 but idk. there are just Situations in which they find themselves #and because of/md is a comedy no one really... holds things against other characters in a long-term way? izzy stabs stede and sells him #out to the english and ed punches him for the latter (which he says 'ok fair' about!!! like!!!) but does he go 'and for all the shit you've #done i'm Firing you as my first mate? no! he slams him against the wall and feeds him his toe but he's like. ok get up and back to work #and he doesn't seem particularly disgusted or upset with him in that final blackbeard's flag 2.0 moment. (nor manipulated; inb4) #like. it's a workplace romcom. the workplace is a pirate ship but it's a workplace and izzy is that annoying coworker who's a bitch and #often ruins everyone's fun but no one like... Seriously ostracizes him. more like applies some light bullying BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY. #COMEDY. do we remember that? #and like. it seems he's going to have a bit of a larger (?) role in s2... it really doesn't seem like the show sees him as a 'villain' or #even an active 'antagonist' either. like ok let's agree 2 disagree and may both sides block each others' asses into oblivion because god #knows both sides have some annoying people but mannnn sometimes... insisting that things Can be divided into Good and Bad... is worse? #shrimp thoughts #once again i wrote a tag novel about an incredibly silly thing. welcome to leatherbookmark

[homosexualcitron]

It's also fun to think that all my not french followers probably doesn't prononce Citron like it should

#ok i'm done talking srryy... #i don't mind btw!!! #And if you're curious about the real pronunciation you can just go on google trad or any translation site with audio #and type Citron in french and listen how it's pronounced #It's just like this... #I have a thing for common noun being used as a name!!! #It's kinda the case with Olive even if this one is an actual name at least

[marsmall0ws]

(Mod Blue, zetto-protection-squad) Glad you enjoy my Macaque post! I feel its obvious that we at ZPS adore Zetto to bits, and I myself am quite fond of Vegeta-esque characters! I wanted to extend my appreciation to a fellow Macaque enjoyer as well; it was honestly Billy Kametz's stellar performance as him that got me into LMK in the first place, bless his soul :< 💕 Macaque is absolutely one of my favorites in the series, LMK is a breath of fresh air in my cartoon-enjoying life and I'm glad it has a character as fantastic as Macaque ^-^ Have a lovely night/day, and enjoy your moon-monkey!

Semi-long post whoops

For REAL man, Macaque was one of my main draws to the show as well, though mainly the incredible animation I saw short snippets of before finally sitting down and watching.

I agree it's a huge breath of fresh air, it's hard to explain all of it but the animation, characters, story combined feel different and just so good to watch.

While when I was younger I did rag on Zetto a bit, but as time's passed I very much appreciate his character and sacrifices more than in the past. He's a very complex character and I'm glad we got to see his growth.

Makes me even more glad to see Macaque's growth, who might just be my favorite fictional character of all time, if not just due to him and the series he's from being one of my main hyperfixations and the fact I just adore him to bits.

I'd have never put the two together if not for the post and while I joke it is very interesting food for thought how similar and different they are from each other.

Thank you for responding and also hope you have a lovely night/day!

#mars txt #LMK #TOME #zetto-protection-squad #mars asks #I could ramble for hours about how much I adore Macaque but that'd partially get into me being just VERY gay about him #He's such a mysterious complex and sympathetic character that starts as a one-off purely manipulative villain in season 1 #Ending up trying to help in his own weird offputting ways as well as genuinely fighting to do the right thing even for those who hurt him #I could also scream about how his arc is also shown in his changing leitmotif but again I'd be here all night #Also he's charming and cute and hot AF and I'm GAY #Ok done for real byeeeee

[skrunksthatwunk]

I'm about to be so tired ghejeje

#os already tored fot rh same reaspns #been tring to microdose sleep forna bit moght just have to dp yh tadks mow #not honna edit yis. yall get yo dee the raw footage tnight #ok alarm done im up for real now 🤞🤞🤞 #also i did not allow enough time actually lol #please let me qork let me work let me WORK #thats all i need baby just be a working good body/brain for a few more hours so i can get this shit in please and thank you #oughh..ok #ok im done with 2/3 of the things.. just gotta do number 3 okay you got this baby go fuckinf batshit go wild do that homework cockslayer #ouuu ra ra ra #sorry don't mind me I'm tryna hype myself up #the first paper was shocking easy but now i gotta figure out another idea #girl i got TWO ap tests on wednesday... i can't study OR sleep for them bc of this shit. ik it's my fault but what the helllll #ive never done 2 in one day before so im a Little Worried BUT at least one of them's lit analysis which is like. my niche #at least it is in a way economics n government n shit Arent Quite

[slagclaren]

actually the alleged piastri lawsuit means SO much to me

#it's perfect i love it it has absolutely everything #LOVE that webber's in it LOVE IT #i desperately want a real look at a drivers contract #psss psss mclaren i got a pretty good grade in contractual law if u could just slide the contract over to me- #love the idea of piastri in mclaren if i need to show up unannounced at some meeting and hit my fist on a desk ill do it #sorry to dan fans it's nothing personal i just think it'd be neat #ALSO the insane similarity to the 'jenson gets sued by williams' situation LOVE IT #i NEED alpine to get dragged i need them to lose i need to see a million memes abt how they fumbled the bag #kajs.txt #ok just got back from work that's why i'm rambling so goddamn much but i'm done now #wait one more thing.. i LOVE that webber's involved #piastri #webber

[clericlost]

finally online and thinking about how little will does in every instance we see jane being bullied.     he’s no stranger to how shitty it feels to be singled out like that,  to be berated and belittled,  and yet all he does is stand there and watch,  then try to help pick up the pieces only after it’s over.     i know the suffer brothers have forgotten lonnie byers exists at this point but i unfortunately have not,  and in cases of bullies both at school and at home most of his life,  will never learned how to fight back.     indignance is a fruitless endeavor,  inconsequential to a man like lonnie,  to kids grappling with adult hierarchies on the playground,  to mind flayers prying their way in your head.     anger is even scarier,  something that always made his mom upset and his brother shut down like a machine powered off when it spewed from his dad.

he tries to learn fight instead of flight for the first time ever at 13 years old,  and it just so happens to be in the face of an otherworldly monster.     it’s an atrophied muscle since tantrums as a toddler were answered with intoxicated tantrums of the man of the house,  and it’s never properly gotten the chance to build its strength up,  or even believe it can.     will knows this.     of course he does,  and it’s a contributing factor to his everpresent struggle in not feeling like a burden,  a hassle to have around in his loved ones’ lives,  so he tries to compensate with comfort,  but by nature,  it never feels like enough.     not when the thing about comfort is that it happens after the hurt,  never before,  never prevents it.     standing by when he knows exactly what kind of hurt jane’s feeling,  and doing nothing,  feels like a betrayal.     if he intervened,  it’s not like it would stop it from happening again,  but even trying and failing would be better than nothing.     considering all the times jane has saved his life and his family and friends’ before she even met him,  it is quite literally the least he could do.

but it’s a trauma response,  to freeze.     one built from the crib to the upsidedown,  to lock up or run away.     he’s gotten better at the latter,  but the progress is hard to feel when faced with jane’s misery by himself,  without even the party that always helped him cope with his own bullies at his back.

#study. . .⠀meta #st4 spoilers #i guess it's more of a headcanon but no it's not i just remember lonnie existed<3 #even just as the audience seeing jane get bullied feels like shit and then the shots switch to will always just watching and somehow #i feel impossibly worse :) #god they were supposed to have a fresh start :( #i do think at least will got so caught up with just trying to survive all this upsidedown bullshit it was kind of? easy to forget? #the mundane aspects of life that can still make it fucking terrible #and like. they've faced Actual Monsters!! it should be easy to face bullies!!!! #but it isn't. it would take practice that will has Never had outside of trying it out on an interdimensional monster that one time #which didn't work btw<3 it just made it worse to try like that and have your agency so thoroughly ignored #ok enough tags i need to stop...... i have so many thoughts on will's passive coping mechanisms #the only time we really see him Mad at like anybody is mike #and it's this big ugly thing ripping him up and his response is to run and hide and feel so STUPID about how upset he was #the few times he's stood up for himself he always finds a reason to not try it again #OK i'm done for real i have drafts that i'm !!!! about #if i'm dead in the ims it's bc my social meter feels stiff as a corpse today i am apologizing in advance

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I mean I'm not goin back to him I'm not(!!!) but at this point I got no idea why

Literally just screaming into the fucking void

He already broke me to the point where all the shit he's said are my only core beliefs n even if I try to shut down the voice in my head repeatin it all I still believe every damn word

So no matter how long I cut him off for it's always there just the same. But no one else can always be there to make it go away. W/ him I at least go from a total waste of oxygen to the one thing I'll ever be any good for. It's an upgrade I can almost live with.

So what's the point? What do I or anyone gain from me stayin away?

I've been tryin so fucking hard n it's just not getting any easier. I don't know where to put all this fucking self loathing, I can't keep pouring it onto other people. I always need to keep so damn much inside n some of it still spills out n that's already bordering on too much. I don't wanna be a burden. I know everyone is, to some extent, but not like this. Not all the time. Plus they have something to give in return, I only have things no one else wants, just Val's happy to take em if offered.

I still feel the pull all the fucking time. It's like the chain he used to have around my neck but I know he's not doin the pulling, he doesn't care if he has me or not anymore. It's all me now. I'm the one who keeps wanting to go back. The rational part of me is screaming no cause I know he'll just hurt me n find new ways to cut even deeper but. What's left that he hasn't already done?

Maybe this time he'll make the feelings n the noise go away. Maybe this time he'll make it all quiet.

#i know i can't expect anyone else to save me that's something i'm supposed to do myself but #what if i can't? i don't know how to #best i've managed is a somewhat stable daily life but that relies on practically zero triggers n i don't actually get anything done ever #there's no progress. none. it's just me drowning out the noise w/ distractions n booze #everyone i see struggling w/ this shit that's made actual progress has made it w/ the type of healing experiences i can't seem to find #n cause it's all just pseudomemories n shit we can't really even unpack it in therapy cause it doesn't rly get to the real causes #it's always just 'have you had experiences in real life where someone made you feel like this?' #i don't know!! we don't have our actual trauma memories!!! #i just. i wish i didn't need so goddamn much more than what's reasonable to ask of anyone. #i wish i wasn't wired so completely fucking wrong i can't have those needs met #i wish i wasn't so fucking worthless. only ever barely keepin my head above water. #i tried to list any skills/positive traits/things i like about myself n the only thing i could come up w/ is i give great head #n i guess the way i'll let you act out any fucked up fantasy on me if you don't mind that i cry or dissociate #but i don't have anythin else to give. my body's all i have to offer n it's not even a very good one anymore #i still wish someone would use it. make me feel like i still have a use. give me some way to make up for even fucking existing #i guess i was doin some good back when i still let val take all his aggressions out on me so he had an outlet aside from doll #i'd be ok w/ him just usin me but he's always so fucking cruel about it. #i really really really wanna cut but he'd be so fucking angry i'm scared of what he'd do #i just. can't someone just fucking use me. do whatever you want to my body n tell me i'm not a waste of space cause i make you feel good #tell me i'm a good boy #spdrvent

[werewolfbneimitzvah]

vent post. There are two stories i was told in my teenage years that even before i had a real concept of trans issues made me uninterested in discussing the supposed sacredness and safety of separated sex-based spaces.

First, when i was like 13 or 14 my PE teacher told us about a time she went to a women's public restroom, some guy was hanging out outside the bathrooms, she didn't think anything of it, went to the bathroom, and he walked in after her and like, creeped on her over the top of the stall. She was ok, she wasn't telling us this to scare us, just telling us what to do in situations like that (and iirc she was telling the whole co-ed class this, not just girls, bc it's useful for everyone), but this taught me immediately and forever that there's nothing actually keeping these spaces separate really, that anyone can be a creep in any space, and that establishing a space like that as for women only isn't actually particularly useful for safety.

Second, when i was 16 i was at an anime convention, a friendly acquaintance of mine and i ended up in conversation outside, and he showed me his bare wrist and told me he'd been kicked out. A female friend of his had stepped in dog poop outside, and between that and the stress of the convention she'd had a bit of an emotional breakdown, so being her friend, he started comforting her and ushered her into the women's restroom so they could wash the poop off her shoe together. And because he was a man who went into the women's bathroom, he got kicked out, no matter that he was doing something that was actually beneficial to a woman. Punishing a woman's friend for supporting her was supposed to... protect her somehow? This made it clear to me that a no-exceptions rule separating the sexes like that wasn't actually inherently good for everyone.

And this isn't even getting into me as a child needing to accompany my younger sister to the restroom when we were out with just my dad because she had certain support needs past the age he felt comfortable bringing her into the men's room with him. And what if I'd been born a boy, or she'd been the first born? Who's helping her then?

And of course even putting all this aside, we should always prioritize compassion and support anyway. But i never even needed to meet a trans person to know that "keeping men out of women's bathrooms" is silly nonsense. But trans people also need to pee anyway and as humans they have that right, so leave them the fuck alone. your precious women's restroom is just a fucking room with a door, holy shit give it a fucking rest, if someone is attacking you in the bathroom that's bad and if someone is in there to pee that's good and it doesn't fucking matter what their junk is or was when they were born.

a woman could have done the exact same thing to my PE teacher and it would have also been bad no matter how "supposed" to be in the restroom she was, and no one should ever be punished for helping a crying friend wash their shoe.

Anyway i know I'm speaking to like-minded folks here, i just think about those two stories literally every time bathroom gender shit comes up and it pisses me off.

[lesbianpikachu]

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#WE ARE SO BACK DUDE #MAN #this is like the first good night i've had in a while #goddamn it i fucking hate being an adult and it's something that's frustrated me in a way i don't know how to express for so fucking long #being able to admit that to myself and just say it out loud feels so fucking good. I do not want to do adult shit. i do not want to pretend #to be normal fuck everything and everybody i fucking hate being an adult i hate careers and social niceties fuck everything #god i fucking hate everything and im so happy to be able to say that again. life fucking sucks and thats it #oh my god ive been stuck in a positivity puddle for so long i hate it. complaining and hating is my lifee i will never stop #just oh my god it's so hard to be alive all the time and nobody ever talks about it and just expects you to do everything right all the tim #We are not going to fucking make it dude. what else is there. can we do something else #i feel so expected to just do things right all the time and i feel like people can see that and just make fun of me for existing all the ti #i fucking hate it! literally all of that shit makes me want to die. but like yeah like oh my god putting all of that down might fix me #we'll see. oh god the pokemon video looms large. im on gen 4 but i've been hardcore procrastinating on it. i'm just so done with all the sh #MAN i feel like a real person again i feel like i can breathe. i have been so frustrated w my friends and family for the longest time #and now i just feel like oh. yeah. literally none of this bullshit is necessary. why am i letting all these people tell me how to live #Who cares if im alone who cares if someones watching who cares if people like me i am alone i am happy i am doing what i want #like if i meet my goals and i feel like im doing what i think i should be doing then who cares. i'm having the experiences i want to have #and that's enough. it was always enough. and anybody who says it isn't should get over it. im fine. why are you trying to make me not fine #ok im done im done i just wnated to pour all this out. it feels a little cheesey but legitimately most nights to me feel like they dont mat #and this one is one that for the first time in a long felt like it finally did