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anoveremotionalway · 7 years

Text

Do As I Say...

The text message alert pulled her out of her pensiveness. She sighed heavily, she should have turned off her phone like she originally planned. What's a few more seconds, she thinks. She reaches for her phone, on the floor a few feet away where she had dropped it hours ago, glancing at the screen. *I know you are probably busy, but I don't have anyone else to talk to...* She closes her eyes, dropping her head back against the wall, and takes a deep breath. She never was able to deny any of her friends, or anyone for that matter, when they needed help. It's part of the reason she's in the position she's in. Taking on everyone else's problems on top of her own added up. Add that to being an empathy and she was bound to overload. She wasn't lucky enough to have a friend she could talk to, the way other people depended on her. Letting out the breath, she raises her head and types out a response. ^What's up?^ *I know we haven't seen each other in 4 years but you are my best friend* ^What's wrong Ty?^ *Jared had a relapse and I moved out. I can't be a babysitter to someone I'm dating. I just can't do it. First Jason, then getting fired, now Jared. What's wrong with me?* ^There's nothing wrong with you. You are young and you are going to make some not so great decisions, it comes with the territory. As someone 13 years older than you, you can trust me on that.^ *I just don't know if I can do this anymore. Living back with my mom and her jerk of a boyfriend, no job, no money with bills stacking up. I can't do it.* ^Can't do what?^ *This! Life, everything, anything. It just isn't worth it anymore. I'm a fucking failure and no one would miss me if I were gone* ^Shut the fuck up, that is patently false and you know it^ *It is too. I don't want to live this life anymore. No one likes me, I can't keep a job or a boyfriend. What's the point?* ^Ok, first off if no one cared I wouldn't be talking to you right now and you wouldn't b living back at your mom's. You wouldn't have Jesse as a friend, or Jason messaging me to make sure you are ok, since you won't talk to him.^ ^I know you and Jason had a bit of a rough go of it at the end, but he does still care. And I imagine that Jared still cares and is probably feeling a bit shitty about losing you because of his own dumb decisions.^ ^I see the bubbles of you composing a text, stop, let me finish first...^ ^Just because you got let go from this job doesn't mean you can't keep a job, hell you worked at that grocery store for like 7 years! The longest if had a job continuously is 2.5 years! Granted, I have a problem with people who abuse authority and I seem to find jobs where those people are my bosses, but whatever. ^ ^I'm now going to tell you the problem with you and boyfriends. Ready? You need higher standards. I'm not saying Jason and Jared were bad guys, but you are so damn submissive that you take anything given to you, whether it is good or not! Stop it! You deserve so much more! Leaving Jared because of the relapse was a great step to being more assertive!^ ^You at absolutely right, you shouldn't have to babysit another grown ass adult. But, you knew about his problems before you went into that relationship, you knew it could end up being an issue, so you kind of did that to yourself.^ *Gee thanks, you aren't really making this any better, you know...* ^Pretty sure I said to shut it until I am done. Not done yet.^ ^We went through this in school. You are so much better than the settling you ha been doing. Yes, we have degrees in something neither of us is currently doing, but that's because we have things that we are doing that we are good at and enjoy! You like the grocery store, and you were good at it if you were there for so long. Get back in that and work up to something in marketing with the store, you would rock that shit!^ ^And you are young! Guys will come and go, you can date and not fall in love with the first guy you see. That's kind of the point of dating, to go through a bunch of people who don't work so you have a better idea of what does work and what you want.^ ^You figured out that you are bi, yes, bi, don't argue with me on that one, and dove straight into a serious relationship with the first guy who showed you some interest. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but you probably should have taken it a bit slower.^ ^Enjoy being young, you don't get that time back. Meet people, go out with people, date people. Enjoy your life! Join a club or organization related to something you like, meet people there instead of on dating sites.^ ^It does get better, I promise, but you can't be a passive bystander. You have to figure out what you want and do something about it, you can't just stand by and say well, that didn't work out, I give up. That's not how life works!^ ^You worry about far too much. I'm going to let you in on my not so secret secret, the one that I finally figured out about 10 years ago and has made things so much easier for me.^ ^Worry is a waste of energy. If you are worrying about something you can do something about, then you should be using that energy to do something about it instantly of worrying. If you can't do anything about it, then stop wasting energy worrying about it and move on to something else worth your energy!^ ^Complete waste of energy, worry is. So, go put in some applications and get yourself a job you like. Go find something you like to do that you can do in a group and go enjoy doing it! Stop this self-pity party and do something about all these things you don't like!^ ^ I know people are all about leaving things in god's hands and such, but I'm pretty sure the line is God helps those who help themselves.^ ^You are amazing, you are worth it, and you are loved. Do. Not. Forget. That.^ ^K, I'm off my soapbox :)^ *What am I even supposed to say to all that?* ^I'm going to quote my favorite show now...^ *Oh god, I will never get away from Benedict Cumberbatch with you, will I?* ^Yeah.... No! XD^ ^Taking your own life. Interesting expression, taking it from who? Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everyone else. Your life is not your own, keep your hands off it.^ *Ok... I can kinda see that.* ^What you can do is promise me that you'll keep trying. Don't give up, no matter what happens. Find another friend you can talk to like you can talk to me, you can never have too many of those. Preferably someone you can talk to in person, this something to be said about the comfort of a warm body in front of you.^ *I guess so.* ^No, promise me. No matter what happens, you will keep going. Say it.^ *Ok, I promise, no matter what happens, I will keep going. Happy? :P* ^For now :) You feeling any better?^ *Yeah, thanks. You tend to be pretty brutal with your help, but I know that about you and I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think that approach would help. It always has with me.* ^Yeah, well, you're a stubborn little shit, coddling you doesn't work, remember? ^ *Yeah, I remember. You were a bit of an ass there in college for a bit.* ^But it worked, didn't it? You stopped being so timid and started being more assertive with people. You just need to continue that some more.^ *You're right, as usual. Thanks. I miss you, wish you could come down in May like you were planning. You gonna come over the summer at all?* ^Miss you too. Not sure if I'll make it out this summer, but you'll be the first to know if I am coming.^ *Good! I hope you can make it! I gotta go, need to get some food, haven't eaten all day.* ^Ok, go eat, I'll talk to you later :)^ *Bye, talk to you soon!* She let out a choked laugh at that last text. No, she thought sadly, you won't. She turned off her phone finally, like she should have done hours ago. Another deep breath and she looked down at her lap. She had made the decision seconds before her text alert went off. Not the big decision, that had been a long time coming, but the how to do it decision. She looked one more time at the matte black of her Glock 19, as she slowly uncapped the bottle of pills. There was a combination of temazepam, diazepam, and oxycodone in the bottle; 61 pills in all. She dumped the pills in the bowl of applesauce sitting by her knee, she didn't want the pills to upset her empty stomach, throwing them up would defeat the purpose. She swallowed the last spoonful of pill-laden applesauce, got up, turned on some music, and then paced in her room for a few minutes, replaying the conversation with Ty. The cruel irony we not lost on her. She hoped he would take her advice, even if she couldn't take her own. Eventually she started to feel a bit groggy so she laid down on her bed, staring out the window at the bit of tree and sky she could see in that position. The sun was just starting to set, the sky painted with pinks, oranges, and purples. At least her last sight would be something beautiful, she thought. As her head was getting fuzzier, she caught a few strands of the song that was playing, Jumper by Third Eye Blind. She choked back a sob, wishing she had someone in her life to say that to her; "I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend". Icing on the cake, really. Her last thought, as she drifted off into nothingness, was that if God really did exist, he had a sick sense of humor.

#depression #my writing #writers on tumblr #excerpt from a book i'll never write #letting go #the strong ones need love too

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