#rushingly bittersweet tag | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Hunger; a RushBit Drabble

Drabble no one asked for in commemoration of National Eat Her Out Day:

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Word count: idk i wrote this in the app

A/N: it's national pussy eating day, man, let Javi celebrate (this is canon RushBit, after chapter 25)

fic index // Masterlist

gif: @bestintheparsec

The grocery bags were heavy on your hand, you damned the time the store had changed from paper to plastic, as the handles were almost digging through your hand while you tried to unlock the door.

“C’mon you little piece of shit,” you mumbled when you shoved the wrong key into the doorknob; you made a mental note to mark the keys with colors or maybe just a new keychain, as you hadn't memorized yet the keys to your new house. You introduced another and turned, it unlocked “there we go.”

You pushed the door open and walked in, not bothering to try and close it with the things you were carrying threatening to snap the bags open and spill over the floor, the house was silent and fresh, you wondered if Javier had left the AC on before leaving, but thanked if he did.

You rushed to the kitchen and left the bags on the counter, a sigh of relief left hour mouth and you opened and closed a fist to bring back the circulation in your hand.

You turned around and walked to close the door, not wanting the cool air to leave the house as the summer noon air was almost boiling. Before you could close it, the figure of Javier rushing towards the house caught your attention over the corner of your eye.

You frowned, amused at the way he was sprinting closer and closer.

“Why are you running?” you yelled at him just before he arrived to the porch steps.

“You're home early.” he let out in between pants, stepping towards you.

“I had nothing else to do for they day,” you explained with a smile, raising your hand to brush a strand of his hair out of his sweaty forehead, Javier’s hand found its place on your waist and he guided you backwards to walk into the house “are you okay?” you asked him, silently laughing at the way he was trying to recover his breath while he closed the door with his free hand, Javier nodded “why were you running?”

“I’m hungry.” he let out softly.

You frowned, Javier smirked at you and his other hand gripped at your waist, he brought you closer to him, your lower belly clashing against his crotch. You raised your eyebrows at the realization of what he was craving.

“Oh.” you hummed out.

“Yes.” he whispered, leaving a kiss on your cheek as your smile grew. You wrapped your arms around his neck.

“You’re all sweaty.” you muttered, Javier hummed.

“That’s never bothered you before, baby” he whispered against your flushed skin, you giggled.

“And you’ve been working,” you whispered, Javier hummed in affirmation, “go wash your hands.” you ordered him softly, Javier huffed.

“I’m not gonna use my hands.” he growled, as he wrapped his arms around your middle and picked you up, you let out a loud laugh.

“Put me down!” you yelled over his head, Javier chuckled a no and walked the short distance between the entrance to the living room, tossing you unceremoniously onto the couch as you almost drowned in laughter “salvaje” you teased him, sitting up on the couch as he knelt down in front of you.

“Preciosa,” he called you, sliding his hands on your thighs and leaned up to trap your lips on a kiss.

His lips were dry and smooth at the same time, his kiss was deep and almost messy; you buried your hand inside his hair, dampened with his sweat and tugged softly, making Javier growl against your mouth and reach for your shirt.

“Take this off or I’ll rip it.” he mumbled against your mouth, you giggled again and distanced yourself from him to pull up the shirt and take it off, Javier helped you with your bra, unhooking it dexterously and pulling it from your arms.

“Happy?” you teased him, Javier nodded with a smile on his face and his eyes on your chest.

“Very.” he whispered and buried his face inside your boobs, kissing and nibbling at the flushed skin, licking around the nipples as he unbuttoned your jeans, you helped him take them off by lifting your hips and he slid them down, leaving you naked and vulnerable in front him.

Without saying a word Javier took your knees and parted your legs, you wanted to ask him what did you do right for him to receive you home by getting you naked and kissing up your thighs to do it twice a week, but as his kisses and nibbles traveled further up on your skin and he looked at you in the eyes as he kissed your mound, all thought left your mind.

Javier parted the lips of your pussy open with his tongue, making a soft moan escape from your mouth; he flattened his tongue and ran it from your slit to your clit once again and wrapped your hooded bundle of nerves with his mouth, sucking gently.

“Fuck,” you gasped, his hands were holding your legs open for him and one of yours found his wrist, gripping it, as the other kneaded your own breast “again.” you pleaded.

Javier chuckled against your pussy, the vibration of the sound reverberated against you and made you sigh in pleasure, he sucked at your clit again, moving his face slowly from side to side.

He didn’t stop looking at you; he bit gently your clit and licked down again to shove his tongue inside your cunt; his mouth was feasting on your pussy while his eyes feasted on your face.

He loved making you feel so much pleasure you couldn’t even keep your eyes open; your mouth was parted as he licked inside you and swallowed the slick that leaked out of you; your breath hitched as the scent of your sex invaded his entire body and the taste of your insides almost cloyed his tastebuds; your body shook as he felt his cock begging for attention inside his jeans.

Javier kept going; licking and tasting and slurping at you, nibbling and flicking at your clit as his ears took in the moans and whimpers and gasps you were letting out.

Right before the scorching coil he had built inside of you strained apart and broke, you started mumbling nonsensical praises to him; your hand landed on his head as you pressed him impossibly closer to you, telling him how good it felt, how much you loved him, how amazing he made you feel.

You came with a scream of his name and a hard tug of his hair; Javier helped you ride your high with his tongue as you opened your eyes with a blissed smile adorning your face and your chest rising and falling with new air. You pushed him away from you and raised your arms open for him to lean up and kiss you, sharing your own taste with you.

“What was that for?” you asked him in a whisper as he helped you lie down on the couch and joined you on it, Javier chuckled and brought you closer to him, making you feel his erection through the denim of his jeans.

“Can’t I eat my woman out in peace?”

pedrito's perma list: @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight1 @cheekygeek05 @letaliabane @supernaturalgirl20 @alliterative-albatross @metalarmsandmanbuns @greeneyedblondie44 @missswriter @juletheghoul @pedro-pastel @agirllovespancakes @charlispersonallyhell @hopeevenonthisside @sherala007 @magpie-to-the-morning @beskarboobs @kenoobiwan @queridopascal

dick aneurysm: @starlightmornings @ezrasbirdiealso @purplepascal042 @pascalslittlebrat @mothandpidgeon @wyn-n-tonic @mesmorales @charnelhouse

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @absurdthirst @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @jasmincita @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics

#Javier Peña #javier peña x reader #pedro pascal characters #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #narcos #pedro pascal fanfiction #narcos fanfic #pedro pascal #javier Peña drabble #the drabble that didn't lmao #rushingly bittersweet tag

215 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Past Grievances & Turning Points (a RushBit mini-series) part 2

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: You and Javi arrive to Albuquerque in the middle of a mix of emotions.

Word count: +3.8k

Chapter warnings: smut, softy and nice, oral sex (f receiving) nothing too explicit

A/N: This is canon RushBit after the main story; after this long im back at it lmao, in two days i wanna post the final part so stay tuned!!!

fic index // Masterlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓

gif: @hunterschafer

The drive after the stop for gas was almost uneventful; an hour and a half later Javier complained about his back and you switched places for the rest of the drive, he slept for a couple of hours and he insisted on talking about the house after, almost as if he had read your mind and decided it was enough talking about the past, and it would do better for both of you if you focused for a little in the future instead.

The night had just settled; the stars had slowly disappeared because of the lighting of the town when you finally drove up to your old street, Javier was sleeping on your shoulder and you tapped on his thigh to wake him up as you turned the truck and parked in the driveway.

“Is this it?” he muttered, his voice heavy with sleep as he stretched next to you.

“Yeah, this is it.” you replied as you turned off the ignition and unbuckled your seatbelt.

Javier got out of the truck before you and you reached for your bag, getting out as well, and rummaged around for the keys.

You heard him walk towards you and felt one of his arms wrap around your waist; he was warm and you sighed slightly when his chest pressed against your back; you turned your head to the side, noticing he had grabbed the shared duffel bag you had packed for both the night before.

“You okay?” he asked in a whisper as he rested his chin on your shoulder, you nodded as you finally found the keys and the both of you walked slowly towards the door.

Javier started kissing your neck as you unlocked the door and you felt a shiver running up and down your back.

“Really?” you chuckled at him.

“What?” Javier reached over you to grab the doorknob and push the door open.

“Aren’t you tired?” you asked, he huffed at you as the both of you slowly walked inside.

“Of you? never.” he replied, making you laugh.

“God, you can be so fucking cheesy sometimes,” you teased as he freed you from his grip with a chuckle and you turned on the lights, “can you close the door, please?” you pointed, Javier nodded and you stepped into the small living room, where the red light of the answering machine flicking on and off grabbed your attention. Javier walked further in and started exploring around while you picked up the phone and clicked on to listen to the first message.

“Do you wanna pack tonight?” he asked as he left the duffel bag on the loveseat near you, you replied with a hum he barely heard, and he walked around the half-empty house, wondering if that was really how you lived; the walls were empty except for a couple of very generic looking paintings that reminded him of his apartment in Bogotá when he first moved in; there were no pictures of you on any of the shelves around the almost too tiny living room, just books of several different genres placed deliberately and without order and even though Javier knew you’d been living there for five months, it looked like you never really moved in.

He looked at you for a few seconds before resuming his exploration; your face was almost clear of any emotion, your eyes were fixated on the answering machine and he didn’t want to interrupt so he walked across the two-seat dining table towards the kitchen.

The kitchen was clean but also looked unused, like it was there because it had to; there were a couple of boxes on the corner near the stove; Javier leaned closer to look inside and he felt a weird sense of familiarity, almost a deja vu when he saw the contents of it; he searched in his memory and he chewed the inside of his cheek when he remembered it was the same box he had packed in your stuff when you had been sent to Washington all those months ago that felt like a lifetime.

Javier sighed and straightened, he walked towards the fridge and found only several bottles of water and a couple cans of beer occupying the first and second shelves, along with bottles of different condiments in the door. He huffed, incredulous that you were the one living in that house, it made little sense in his mind because in the two weeks you had been living next to him, he saw you in the kitchen next to his dad almost everyday; he didn’t want to think about the differences and parallels of your time living in that bare place and somewhere else, because he knew his name would be in the list of causes of why it was so polarizing so he grabbed a bottle of water and walked out to the living room.

Javier smirked to himself while he looked at the thing he went for; a bottle of water, he knew his past self would laugh at him about it.

“Amor,” he called as he walked towards you, you were still looking down to the answering machine, listening intently into the phone, “look what you–” you raised your hand with the index lifted at him, interrupting him without looking away from the device; Javier noticed your glance thrown onto the floor and the way your body had tensed, he frowned, “everything okay?” his question slipped slowly from his lips and fell onto the floor, he almost saw it crawl over to you and tap your foot.

You turned to him and he noticed your eyes reddened and your lip between your teeth; you shook your head as he threw the bottle on the loveseat, rushed to your side and without saying a word, Javier wrapped you inside his arms. You breathed in and out a couple of times while your body opened up to his warmth; he didn’t ask if something happened but you wanted to tell him, you wanted to get rid of it, so you moved slowly with his arms around your shoulders and left the phone on the cradle; your arms moved like hot molasses being poured over toast as he walked slowly back to the loveseat, guiding you with him. Javier sat and he brought your body with his, making you sit on his lap.

“All the messages were from my parents,” you muttered, embracing him, breathing him in, taking in his scent, feeling like you could never get enough of him, of his smell of cologne and laundry detergent and his sweat and the trip and the very slight cigarette smell that still lingered over his skin even though he hadn’t smoked a single cigarette since you arrived to Laredo. Javier hummed and you felt his hand roaming up and down your arm, “they hate me.” you mumbled.

“Baby,” he tightened the grip around your body as you breathed in heavily again, almost clinging to him, “what did they say?” he asked you; his voice soft and patient, you turned to look at him, his brown eyes were already on you, you tried to read him and you could only find an understanding man waiting to hear what you had to say.

You smiled softly to him, wondering once again who the hell that man was and how had he been able to change into what he was in so little time. He was so familiar and still the man you’d met, but he was also different, and you loved him either way.

“They came here,” you told him, reaching to cup his jaw, “they were angry that I wasn’t here,” you rolled your eyes, making him chuckle, “they thought I had left and…” you gulped, Javier noticed how your eyes watered again and he leaned to kiss your forehead, “my mom said she hoped I stayed away.” you whispered, Javier’s kiss lingered on your skin and you closed your eyes.

“Well,” he said against your forehead, “you’re gonna live with me, they don’t have to worry about how far you are” you opened your eyes and leaned back to look at him.

“What is it with you and cheesy lines?” you teased him with a small smile that made him reciprocate immediately.

“Shut up,” he leaned in to kiss you; his lips were warm as they always were and his kiss was so deep in that moment that it made you whimper slightly, he broke the kiss, his lips brushing against yours, your breath mixing with his in the closeness of yours and his face, “are you okay?” he asked once more.

You nodded, kissing him again, Javier chuckled lowly in the kiss, he wanted to know if you were but he knew you were not gonna tell him anyway. There was some deep desire inside him he had just discovered, the need to get to know everything there was to know about you, he wanted to know your greatest wishes and your deepest secrets; he wanted to know what motivated you and what brought you down, he had found out, while you slept in his arms, in the middle of the night, that he wanted to know you inside and out, but in that moment, instead, his hands slid to your back and pressed you tighter against him; you finally wrapped your arms around his neck and rocked forward to deepen the kiss.

“Let’s get to bed.” you whispered against his mouth, Javier furrowed his brow and leaned back to look at you again.

“What about packing?” he asked with a teasing grin that made you wrinkle your nose.

“After.” you gasped out, bringing him back to you, eating his breath and inhaling his kiss once more.

Bottle of water, deep conversation and packing your stuff forgotten altogether while he stood up from the loveseat with you almost clinging to his body, you guided him to the sole bedroom between kisses and his warm hands tracing long, languid, shapeless patterns across your back and your waist and your hips; he took off your clothes right before the back of your knees hit the bed, you did the same and as soon as he felt your lips brushing on the already flushed skin of his collarbone he knew nothing would get done.

Javier pushed you down gently to lie on the undone bed and leaned to hover over you; you said nothing as you felt his lips brush the skin of your neck and travel down to your chest, his mouth found your breast and he teased one of your nipples with his warm tongue, making you gasp at the contact and fist his hair to press him against you; there was an implicit agreement lingering around both of you, mixing with the sounds of your gasps and his wet mouth clashing against your raised skin; he would wait until you were ready to tell him whatever you wanted to tell him; he would stop wondering about who you were and what you wanted and he would let you open yourself for him.

His kisses slid down to your stomach and you unconsciously pushed him further down; Javier choked down a chuckle and obeyed your subtle command, kissing down your lower belly and settling between your opened legs, kissing and brushing his lips gently around where you wanted him the most; he looked up at you, at the way your eyes were closed shut, taking in the way your mouth fell open at the feeling of his fingers teasing your dampened entrance while he ground gently against the mattress to find some relief on his hardened cock; holding you down on the bed with one hand when your back curved up as he teased your clit with his tongue at the same time.

Because he wanted to show you, he wanted to make sure you understood he would do anything to make you feel good.

“What?” you said in the middle of a gasp, Javier opened his eyes, not realizing he had closed them as well, and looked up at you with his mouth wrapped around your clit and his fingers still inside you; you snorted and he lifted his face from you.

“What?” he asked, his lips and chin were glossy from your slick and you slid your hand from his hair to his cheek.

“You mumbled something,” you whispered, Javier shook his head, cursing at himself for saying out loud what he was thinking, “yes you did,” you nodded supporting your body on your elbow and sitting up slightly to look at him better “what was it, Javi?” you asked with a soft smile.

Javier rolled his eyes at you and pulled his fingers out of your pussy, almost crawling towards your face; he kissed you slowly, making you taste yourself on his lips and his tongue as he made you forget whatever it was you had heard; his hands roamed around the skin he had available to him, his touch was warm and known and at the same time it felt new, like he was just discovering your body.

His hands snaked to your hips and he gripped you closer to him; you wrapped your legs around his waist and dropped back down to the mattress, bringing him with you, his body was crushing you against the bed but it felt like the most comforting weight you had felt, he was covering you with his body, sharing his warmth with you.

You reached for his cock in between your bodies and helped him slide inside you, pushing him closer with the heels of your feet; he bottomed up and gasped against your lips, he was filling you up so deliciously you almost forgot he was kissing you.

Javier started moving, driving slowly in and out of you while his hands wade their way to your chest, he kissed you impossibly deeper as you wrapped your arms around his neck and started grinding against his thrusting; he moaned gutturally and bit your lower lip slightly.

“I–” you whispered, Javier’s hands slid to your head and he cradled your face, looking at you while he thrust deeper into you.

“Shh,” he cooed, kissing your lower lip; your mouth was agape and you threw your head back when he drove into you faster, “I know.” he whispered into your mouth, the moans that he was taking out of you filled the room along with the lewd noises of your skins clashing against each other.

“Pl–please,” you whined, fisting his already ruffled hair in both hands and bringing him impossibly closer to you. “please, Javi.”

Javier nibbled gently at your chin as your breath hitched; he thrusted harder, making you moan louder, you could feel the way his cock slid in and out and pressed against that spot inside you that made your toes curl. He knew what you wanted, he knew you that well; he kissed your chin and your jaw and your neck and his tongue soothed you even if you didn’t need it, just because he knew you liked it, he kissed the bullet scar on your shoulder and you shivered because of the brush of his mustache on your flushed skin.

You slid one of your hands out of the tight entanglement you had on the back of his head and snuck it between your bodies once again, finding quickly the place where you were joined; you started circling your clit with two fingers as Javier’s tongue made you feel even closer to the edge of your orgasm.

“Javi–baby.” you whined as your body tensed, right on the verge of falling down the cliff.

“I’m he–here, amor,” he whispered in your ear, licking your lobe, keeping the pace of his cock thrusting into you, “I’m here.”

You came around him softly and silently, Javier felt the way you gripped his cock inside you and almost trapped him around your walls, milking his orgasm out with yours; he kept pounding into you and kissing your neck as your moans grew higher in pitch and he came inside after a dozen or so thrusts with a grunt that made your eyes open and your lips kiss his jaw.

You panted slowly, trying to recover from your orgasm, Javier kept kissing you gently and you moved your head to kiss him back.

Javier wrapped his arms under and around your waist and without sliding out of you, rolled on the bed to make you be on top of him, you yelped at the sudden movement and he chuckled at your reaction. You rested your head on his chest, listening to the fast beating of his heart.

“Are you gonna tell me what you said?” you asked him, yawning softly.

“I didn’t say a thing.” he replied, wrapping his arms around your warm body, you slapped his chest gently.

“Mentiroso.” (liar) you mumbled with your eyes dropping shut, Javier chuckled and kissed the top of your head.

“Te amo.” he whispered against your hair, not caring if you heard it or not.

---

“Where do I put these?” Javier asked as he lifted two pottery vases for you to decide, you turned to him and frowned.

“I have no idea whose those are,” you chuckled, “leave them there.” Javier scoffed and left them on the shelf he had found them.

You had woken up at around four in the morning after having fallen asleep fairly early the night before entangled around each other; you had shared an almost innocent shower and a really mediocre breakfast that neither of you seemed to mind before starting to put almost your entire life inside cardboard boxes, plastic bags and suitcases.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take more books?” Javier asked again, browsing the bookshelves from where you had handpicked about two dozen books and let him pack inside a suitcase.

“Yeah, I don’t care about those.” you replied while you finished emptying the last kitchen drawer.

Javier was about to protest about one specific psychology book he thought you should take back to Laredo when there were three rushed knocks on the door. You turned to him with a confused frown in your face.

“Can you open?” you asked him, almost warningly. Javier nodded and walked towards the door, another three knocks were heard and you stood in the middle of the kitchen, glancing at your clock, not knowing who would even be there at six thirty in the morning on a sunday.

Javier opened the door, his body and the piece of wood blocking your gaze from the entrance, he frowned, subconsciously standing up straighter at the tall man that stood in front of him.

“Can I help you?” he asked in that voice of his that not long before had commanded an army, you raised your eyebrows.

“Baby, who is it?” you asked, walking towards him, you froze in place behind him when you saw over his shoulder who was standing on the doorstep. “dad?”

“Hi, pumpkin,” you dad let out, looking from Javier to you and back to him, “you’re back.”

“What are you doing here?” you asked him, wrapping Javier’s arm with your hand and stepping next to him.

“Who is he?” your dad ignored your question, pointing at Javier.

“Javier Peña,” he replied before you could speak again, offering his hand to your dad, “good to meet you.” you turned to look at Javier, at the way his jaw was relaxed and his shoulders just tensed enough; his eyes were looking straight at your dad and you tightened your grip on his arm, almost proudly by the way he seemed unbothered by the presence of your father.

“Wish I could say the same, mister Peña,” your dad replied, ignoring Javier’s stretched hand, you frowned at the gesture, “can I talk to my daughter?”

“What do you want, dad?” you asked, noticing through the corner of your eye how Javier fisted his hand and released it as it dropped down to his side, you hated the tone he had used, and as you looked at your father you gripped Javier’s arm even tighter.

Javier looked at you and nodded ever so slightly, having gotten the silent demand you made, don’t even dare to walk away.

“I was worried about you,” your dad replied, eyeing the grip you had on Javier, you narrowed your eyes, “you were gone two weeks.”

“And I’m gonna be gone again,” you told him, “just like you and mom wanted,” you slid down your hand to interlock your fingers with Javier’s “I’m moving to Texas.”

“With him?” your dad spat a little too fast and a little too hard for your liking.

“Yeah, with him.” you muttered, not bothering to raise your voice like he did, Javier rubbed his lower lip with his thumb and cleared his throat.

“Pumpkin…”

“You have a problem with it?” you interrupted him, your dad blinked a few times and for the first time in your life, you were able to read him openly; he was surprised, and inside his eyes you could see the hurt he was feeling as well, but you knew him well, he wouldn’t stop you from doing what you wanted.

“Are you gonna come back?” he asked, looking at the way your hand was entangled with Javier’s, you shrugged at him.

“You want me to?” you asked back, “does mom?”

Your dad let out a heavy sigh and while Javier’s hand slipped out of your grip and he took a step back, your dad’s hand landed on your shoulder.

“I do,” he muttered, stepping closer to you, “and I’m sure your mom does too.” you shook your head at him.

“I don’t think so.” you wrinkled your nose at him. Your dad gave you a soft smile, one that he always kept hidden from everyone but you in moments when he knew you needed something warm and familiar, and pulled you gently towards him, hugging you almost like he did when you were little.

“Is he good to you?” he whispered in your ear, you nodded slightly. “good.”

Javier leaned to the side while he watched the interaction, you had told him about your dad and about the weird, bumpy relationship you had with him; he knew by the things you had told him that he was a man of short questions and even shorter answers, you had even compared the two of them once and he had hated it; but there, with your arms wrapped around the man that you described as the one who loved you first, he knew you were finally getting some answers and part of the closure you so desperately were seeking.

“Mister Peña,” your dad called out, Javier looked at him with his brow furrowed, “take care of her.”

Javier didn’t know if it was a demand, a plea or a suggestion, but as soon as he said it you had laughed, a warm, loud, wholehearted laugh only muffled by your dad’s shirt, so he nodded at your dad without a word, making sure to show him in his gesture how much he meant it.

“Leave, dad, we need to finish packing.”

let me know if you wanna be removed :)

pedrito's perma list: @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight1 @cheekygeek05 @letaliabane @supernaturalgirl20 @metalarmsandmanbuns @greeneyedblondie44 @missswriter @juletheghoul @pedro-pastel @agirllovespancakes @charlispersonallyhell @hopeevenonthisside @sherala007 @beskarboobs @kenoobiwan @queridopascal @klara-luise18 @pedrostories @castleamc @luckyspenguin @mrsbentallmadge

dick aneurysm: @starlightmornings @ezrasbirdiealso @purplepascal042 @pascalslittlebrat @mothandpidgeon @wyn-n-tonic @mesmorales @charnelhouse

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @thoughtfulpandawasteland @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @pascalove @eury-dice3 @athalien @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @fan-of-encouragement

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos netflix #narcos fanfic #Pedro Pascal #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #rushingly bittersweet tag

110 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 25

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +3.5k

Chapter warnings: smut, (unprotected p in v), a bit of mutual masturbation, a lot of exposition lol, brief mention of drugs

A/N: This chapter is set after season three. // So, last chapter my dudes; im so happy but sad that the main series is ending but so satisfied of everything we’ve done together, i have a fuckton of people to be grateful for but honestly i rather do that in private. I just wanna say that im so happy for the attention this fic has gotten and im so grateful for everyone that has read, liked, commented and reblogged this piece of my heart; i owe you <3. And its not the end of this universe, we’re still gonna see slices of Flor and Javi along the years after this story. I love them and i love you.

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous //

gif: @pescopadral

A big breath of air left your lungs and the already known sinking of the light that woke you up almost every morning made your brain half conscious; Summer sunrises in Texas made you open your eyes earlier than you wanted, you didn’t know if it had something to do with the position of the house, that the sun entered the room through the beige sheer curtains and nagged at your eyelids as if it was eager for you to see it or the overall fact that you weren’t able to sleep with light.

You whined softly when you opened your eyes and covered them with your forearm as the amount of light that hit your face directly hurt you; you had been living in that town and waking up in that bed for almost a year and you couldn’t seem to get used to the amount of light that entered the rooms almost all day.

You opened your eyes slowly and rubbed the sleep off them, making a mental note to buy another sleeping mask whenever you went downtown, as Pepe had destroyed the one you had.

You stretched on the bed and let your arms drop to the sides, your right arm falling on a warm lump that let out a muffled groan at the hit.

“Mornin’.” you muttered, shifting to your side, putting a hand under the pillow to face him, he was on his belly, hands under his pillow, his eyes were closed but you knew he was already awake. A small smile grew on your face at his half asleep face and the messy case of wavy bed hair he so easily pulled off.

“No.” he mumbled in that hoarse voice of his you only got to hear in the mornings and shoved his face in the pillow, you bit your lip and eyed the bit of the skin of his back you could see before the sheet that covered both your bodies began.

“Javi, I’m hungry.” you whispered, reaching to his naked shoulder and sliding your hand to his nape, he sighed.

“Go to my dad’s,” he mumbled, the pillow muffling his voice, “today he’s making pancakes.” you snorted at him, your fingers scratched at his nape and you shifted to get closer to him.

“I’m not walking to his house to steal his food, Javier,” you chastised him in a low voice and left a small kiss on his shoulder. “and I have a different kind of hunger.” you murmured on the skin of his arm.

Javier lifted his face out of the pillow just enough for you to see his grin, he raised an eyebrow and you nodded once.

“You’re gonna be the death of me.” he said, making you chuckle, he slid off his hand from under the pillow and reached out for you, shifting on the bed to lie on his side, you stirred closer to him and cupped his face to take his lips on a kiss.

“What an excellent way to go.” you teased against his lips, Javier chuckled and licked your bottom lip to nibble at it between his, his hand slid to your naked back and his warm fingers made their way to the bottom of it, the sheet going down with them, leaving your top half uncovered and at his mercy.

Javier’s kisses traveled down to your jaw and your neck, leaving sloppy nibbles at the skin and he smiled at the smell of your body; a mix of your coconut soap, laundry detergent from the bedding and his cologne, that had a habit of clinging to you since the first day you slept next to him on your house.

One of your hands wrapped around his neck and you brought him closer to you, your breasts brushing the skin of his chest and you shivered when your nipples hardened because of the contact, your other hand sneaked from his shoulder to his chest, all the way down his tummy and then to his half-hardened cock; Javier shivered slightly when you took him in your hand and started giving him lazy strokes to get him ready for you.

Javier sighed and the warm air that left his mouth collided against the wet skin of your neck and a wave of arousal came out of your core and slid slowly to your naked thighs; he moved his hand from your back to your thigh and down to your mound, brushing his fingertips softly on your covered clit until you folded one leg and opened up for him, his fingers found your slick escaping out of you and he eased his index and middle finger inside you, making you gasp.

“You’re always so wet.” he whispered against your skin and his tongue tasted the essence of your flesh as his fingers curled inside you, hitting several times that spongy part of you that made your legs tremble, your hand gripped his cock at the sudden shock of his pressure inside you and the hand that was keeping him close to you moved to his shoulder, and you pushed him to lie down on his back, his fingers sliding out of you and the hand on his cock never leaving him; you loved to feel him grow in your hand, only for you.

The sheet that covered you when you were sleeping was slowly kicked down the bed as you rouse from your side of the bed and straddled him, one knee on each side of his hips; his hands clasped immediately with yours, one dry and one wet with your arousal and you leaned down to cup his face with both hands and take his lips again with your own, his thumbs were making small circles around the skin of your hips and he moaned softly when you bit his lower lip.

“Get inside.” you whispered against his mouth and one of his hands left your body to grip his length, you lifted your hips and he played the tip of his cock on your wet slit, making you shiver when he made it press on your already swollen clit and found his way into you.

You sat on him slowly and you both sighed in relief once he was fully inside you; you slid your hands from his face to his chest and circled your hips slowly, Javier brought his hand to your jaw and pulled you to him, kissing you again and trying to let you know with his lips how much he needed you.

His hand helped you move on top of him as you started a tantalizing rhythm that was making you both gasp on each other's mouth, you smelled his morning breath and let out a soft chuckle at yourself; you didn’t mind it one bit.

“What?” he whispered when he heard you, moving his hand to your hips to help you circle faster.

“I like you very much.” you replied, he smirked in response and leaned up to give you a soft kiss; you slid your hands to his sides and under him, wrapping them around and gripping his shoulders to gain leverage and start moving on top of him, Javier moaned when your started bouncing your hips on him making his cock slide in and out almost entirely and his tip was already grazing at that soft spot inside you that made you whine his name.

“Fuck, baby.” Javier gasped when you hid your face inside his neck, moaning his name, he tightened the grip on your hips and folded his legs, planting his feet on the bed and meeting your movements half way, you gasped at the already known brushing of his cock with your g-spot and smiled when he made you stop your bouncing to pound into you.

“Fu–‌fuck, Javi jus–‌just like that.” you whispered in his ear and he let out a soft grunt when you clenched your walls around him, almost strangling him inside. Javier slid one hand to your upper back and pressed you tighter on his body, his lips and mustache brushing the skin of your shoulder as he and his thrust and the graze of his pubic hair on your clit brought you to pleasure.

You whined his name a couple more times as his warm breath on your skin along with his cock inside you helped build that knot in your lower belly; he started panting and you knew he was close to burst inside of you; so you moved your hand slowly towards the union of your bodies and started circling your clit at the rhythm of his thrusts; you started panting as well at the same time as him and you felt your orgasm come softly, your toes curled and your breath hitched as the knot inside your belly released at once and Javier drove into you a few more times, he moaned when you shoved your slick covered fingers on his mouth, and he sucked, the taste of you and him mixed made him cum and fill your pussy with that warmness of his you really loved feeling spread in and escape out.

“Oh, god,” you panted out, he let out a spent chuckle and hummed, agreeing with you, you tilted your head to his shoulder and kissed the warm skin “I love you.”

Your low voice against his skin made him smile and his hands started drawing shapeless patterns on the skin of your back and hips, he moved his face to your cheek and licked a thin stripe of sweat that ran from your ear to your jaw.

“I love you more.” he muttered.

“I wanna pee.” you said after a few seconds of panting and recovering from your own orgasms, Javier chuckled and disentangled his arms and legs from you.

“Now I’m hungry.” he let out after another spent sigh, making you laugh.

After a cold, shared shower and Javier trying to get inside you again but failing because of his stomach growling in need of food, a packed breakfast courtesy of your non-husband insisting on going to his dad’s and eat the pancakes he made and your usual hour of catching up with the news, Javier brought the truck to the entrance of the house and between the both of you packed the bed with a small cooler and some blankets.

Pepe was walking next to you, and Javier huffed at the dog when he licked your hand after you had offered him an ice cube from the cooler..

“Y’know…” you let out, patting the black dog’s head with your wet, icy hand, “the only thing I miss about Colombia is the weather.” Javier snorted.

“Yeah,” he replied, shoving Pepe to the side softly to close the truck’s bed’s lid “I had forgotten how hot Texas can be.”

“Where are you two chamacos going?” Chucho’s voice came from behind and both of you turned around at the same time, seeing him on his horse, with the hat you gifted him for Christmas perched on his head, Chucho smiled at the mirrored gesture you two made and you smiled at him with a hand on your forehead to cover your eyes from the sun.

“For a ride, pop.” Javier replied, putting his tinted sunglasses on. Chucho hummed in affirmation.

“Check the paddock’s fence while you’re there.” he let out and you smirked at him.

He knew exactly where you were going; he knew both of you like the palm of his hand, surprisingly to you he had learned to read you so well in so little time and while you appreciated it, it was also somewhat exasperating, but you loved him as if he were your own father already, so there was nothing you wanted to do to stop him.

Chucho had modified a saying after you and Javier’s escapades to the piece of land that adjoined with the Río Bravo, saying that it fit you two best; you can take the agents out of the DEA, but you can’t take the DEA out of the agents.

“¿Van a venir a comer?” (are you coming for lunch?) he asked, whistling at Pepe so the dog turned to him.

“Yeah, pero usted no haga nada,” (you don’t do anything) you replied, eyeing Javier over the corner of your eyes “Javi’s cooking.” you let out, making the old man chuckle.

“So we’re not eating.” he let out and you shared a laugh, Javier frowned and took off his sunglasses.

“No hablen de mí como si no estuviera,” (don’t talk about me like I’m not here) he said in a growl “stop ganging up on me.” you let out a loud laugh when he turned around to walk to the driver’s door and hop in the truck and you raised your eyebrows at Chucho.

“Don’t be late, Florecita,” he said, guiding the horse to the side “vente Pepe.” he called out to the dog and he followed the horse as Chucho led it to the opposite side of the land, to the stockyard.

You turned around as well, Javier had opened the door for you from the inside and you hoped in, he turned on the ignition as you closed the door and started driving to the farthest part of the ranch; the ride to the south part was quiet and quick, Javier didn’t say much and the comfortable silence filled the cabin until he parked the truck in the middle of the paddock.

“Oh, I lied just now.” you said while opening the door and getting out of the truck.

“What?” Javier frowned a bit because of the sun and you walked parallelly to him towards the back of the truck.

“There’s another thing I miss about Colombia.” you let out as he walked to the edge’s fence and tugged at two of the posts before walking back towards you.

“What’s that?” he asked, taking off his sunglasses and hanging them from his shirt.

“Real arepas.” you let out, Javier chuckled and reached for you, his hand found its spot on your waist and he pulled you to him, leaving a kiss on your cheekbone.

“I finished another chapter last night.” he whispered against your skin before stepping away and pulling down the truck’s bed’s door.

You raised your eyebrows at him, he was writing a lot for the book you and Connie had suggested him and Steve should write, just to help process everything they lived while in Colombia.

“Is that why you came to bed so late?” you asked, reaching for one of the blankets you had packed and unfolding it to spread it on the open door, Javier hummed in affirmation.

“Want you to read it before I send it to Steve.” he said, grabbing your hips and helping you sit on the truck, stepping closer while you opened your legs for him to stand between them and wrap his hands around your waist.

“Why?” you teased, wrapping your arms around his neck and bringing him even closer, he smirked.

“Just because.” he replied and shrugged softly, making you huff a silent laugh at him as you leaned towards his face and took his lips in yours; Javier hummed at the soft, dry contact of your lips with his and fisted the fabric of your shirt. You knew how hard it was being for him to remember all the things that happened down there, so sometimes he would end up with huge chunks of information missing that then he’d have to fix, so he was using you as his proofreader and you were more than happy to help, learning in depth things he didn’t dare to say out loud.

He opened his mouth after you brushed his lower lip with your tongue and you invaded him, tasting the minty flavor of the toothpaste.

He broke the kiss and you moved one of your hands to scratch at the short hair on his nape, Javier sighed softly and you took in his features; he looked like the man you had fallen in love, his deep, brown, expressive eyes were the same, his lips were too, the aquiline nose that you loved to kiss hadn't changed but you knew he was a slightly different man than the one you had met almost two years before in a foreign country.

That man was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders; traumatized and tired, his own spirit was hanging from a thin thread that was so tense it threatened with snapping at the smallest blow of the wind. But the man standing in front of you wasn’t that man, you could see some glimpses of his old self behind his eyes or when the day had been long; after all, years of being that Javier Peña had clung to him and became a custom; but he was fading into his own self, you were slowly meeting the man he was and the man he wanted to be, and you couldn’t be more in love with him.

Your hands brushed his brown waves and you smiled at him.

“You’re really pretty.” you muttered to him, Javier huffed and gazed at you.

“Am I?” he teased, you nodded twice.

“Very,” he caught when you whispered, “and handsome, too,” he let himself smile at your compliment, “and sometimes you’re funny.” you added and he huffed a laugh before closing the short distance between your faces.

The fact that he could have you so close to him, available to touch and kiss and hug and wrap his arms around made Javier feel like he couldn’t ask for anything else; he still didn’t think he deserved it, but he had learned to be selfish and to appreciate what he had in you and with you. Even if the feelings of what happened with you still hid inside his body when he saw you in your hardest days, even if his brain still whispered to him you would do the same if the opportunity came; he knew you better.

He had seen you stripe yourself naked to him and he had helped you rebuild yourself slowly.

He still was. As were you with him.

Javier knew who he was with and knew your strengths and your weaknesses, he had learned slowly to read you as you read him and he understood that your past, as hard as it was, was the thing that led you to him.

He would run through the same fire again if that meant he would have the chance to wake up next to you for as long as you two wanted. And he wanted to do it for the rest of his life.

You frowned when he broke the kiss.

“Are these gray hairs? you said in a feigned gasp, he rolled his eyes and smirked at you.

“Well, I’m old.” he obviated, stepping away from you and reaching for the cooler, dragging it closer.

“I don’t think you’re that old.” you said, he let out a chuckle as he opened the cooler and took out two beers, handing one to you.

“You don’t say the same when I ask you to rub my back after three hours sitting on the desk.” he teased, sitting next to you, you laughed and scooted closer to him, leaning on his shoulder and opening the can of beer.

“I’m definitely buying you that lumbar pillow.” you said, he let out a wheeze and turned his head to leave a kiss on the crown of your head, he opened his beer and you sipped at yours, seeing a small boat make its way through the water. You grinned and sat straight.

“This is the same one from last week,” you muttered, he hummed in affirmation “I think it’s the first one that has the same rower.”

“Maybe they’re running out.” Javier said, drinking from his beer.

“Wonder when migration is gonna start patrolling around here.” you leaned back onto his shoulder.

“Do you think old man Peña’s gonna let them enter?” he rhetored, and you looked at him.

“You mean you or your dad?” you teased, Javier grunted playfully, “he asked me when I’m giving him a grandkid again.” you said, returning your eyes to the small boat that made its way slowly through the river, not wanting to think about kids or the lack of them.

“Ese hombre no entiende.” (that man doesn’t understand) Javier let out softly, huffing at his father’s wishes.

“Maybe we can call Steve and Connie,” you suggested, brushing the odd feeling off your mind that talking about you having kids always made you feel “they can bring the girls down and maybe ease your dad’s baby fever.” Javier snorted.

“Maybe,” he muttered, downing the rest of his beer and pointing at the river with the hand that held the empty can “there goes another one.”

“That one’s new,” you said, drinking from your can and then handing it to him, “baby.” you called him.

“Mhm.” he took the beer from your hand.

“Do you think we’re still gonna be sitting here watching drugs being smuggled into the country when we’re gray and wrinkled as raisins?” you asked him, Javier chuckled at the question.

“Yeah,” he shifted to wrap his arm around your shoulders “why?”

“I don’t know,” you muttered “maybe we need to build a porch or a gazebo around here. I can’t push you into the paddock if you’re in a wheelchair.” you teased, and Javier let out a soft cackle.

“C’mon, amor, don’t be an ass.”

←previous //

let me know if you wanna be removed :)

pedrito's perma list: @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight1 @cheekygeek05 @bii-aan-ckaa @letaliabane @starlightmornings @mouthymandalorianalso @supernaturalgirl @metalarmsandmanbuns @purplepascal042 @asta-lily @greeneyedblondie44 @missswriter @juletheghoul @pedro-pastel @agirllovespancakes @maharani-radha

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @absurdthirst @alliterative-albatross @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @jasmincita @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos netflix #narcos fanfic #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

186 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 24

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.3k

Chapter warnings: feels, a lot of fucking feels

A/N: This chapter is set after season three. // SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER BITCHES (of the main story at least lol) this one was quite difficult for me, idk, DIALOGUE HEAVY so beware, i wanna thank @mouthymandalorian because she read half of this and gripped my shoulders, slapped me and told me it had substance, and @purplepascal042 bc she just makes me feel so sure of myself and this shitshow lmao and she gave us Carlos, i love you guys so much

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gif: @pescopadral

Home.

He smelled like home.

“You stopped smoking?” you mumbled against his shoulder when you didn’t find traces of smoke on his shirt, Javier scoffed and gripped you tighter against him.

“Kinda.”

“Good, horrible habit.” you teased him and for the first time in five months, you heard him chuckle.

You let out a sigh and closed your eyes when his hands started roaming slowly through your back.

It was like you two never actually stopped hugging; you were marveled by the feeling of his hands in your body; they belonged there; it was as if his touch was meant only for you. He gripped and caressed you as if his hands had gone through a touch withdrawal. He fit there. You fit there.

“How long have we been hugging?” you teased and Javier scoffed again, a little harder, the warm air he let out clashing with the skin of your neck, it made you shiver and you smiled.

“Don’t know but don’t stop.” he replied softly, and you felt your smile growing, you opened your eyes and saw the way his body was curled against yours, almost wrapping it.

You turned your eyes to the dark sky and sighed again at the sight of the stars; they looked so close and so bright you were sure, in that moment, with him gripping you and anchoring you to the earth you had been walking alone for so long, you could reach them.

“I missed you.” you let out, your voice small, your tone warm, it made him smile.

“Yeah.” he moved his arms and stepped back from the embrace to look at you, his hands slid from your back to your waist and the hand that wasn’t holding the letter back to your face.

“Hi.” you whispered, the muscles of cheeks started to sting because of the smile you were holding.

“Hi.” Javier replied.

Your wandering hands moved from his shoulders to his arms, and then you cupped his face. He leaned into your touch as you studied his face and re-learned the features you had committed to memory, for later use or later torture, your brain struggling to grasp the fact that he was there, right in front of you; but he was, you were making sure of it as your fingers touched every single inch of his skin, Javier closed his eyes and sighed when the pads of your fingers slid through his forehead and slowly made their way to his mid brow, the perpetual frown you had met him wearing had disappeared.

“Open your eyes.” you whispered to him and he did without questioning, looking at you; there were the remnants of some unshed tears from earlier, but they were the same you had seen in between dreams, they were the same eyes you had craved for when you couldn’t hold yourself whole, when you couldn’t stand up straight, when you felt like your pieces weren’t being glued properly; and they were on you.

“What are you looking at?” he whispered his question as he moved his face closer to you. You smiled at him again as if you had stopped smiling at all, and you remembered that self-doubt that crept inside you all those months before when you wanted nothing more but to have him look at you like he loved you; your smile faded when you realized he was looking at you differently.

It wasn’t the same look he used to give you when he woke you up after spending the night together; it wasn’t the same way he looked at you across the office bullpen at the embassy in Bogotá; it wasn’t the same look you used to get when you said some horrible joke or a funny remark or a teasing comment or a snarky toned word.

But it wasn’t hard. His eyes were looking at you deeply, but you didn’t know what it meant.

“You.” you whispered your reply, and he smiled at you.

“Good.” he said and brought your face to his.

Javier’s lips took yours and he let out a sigh when he felt you kissing him back.

It was as if he never stopped kissing you.

He knew your movements; he knew you loved when his tongue brushed your lower lip, and how you sighed every time he opened his mouth slightly and took your lip again between his.

Every single thing fit; you there, standing in front of him; you there, in his arms; your lips between his lips, your hands touching his skin.

It felt right. It was right.

It was giving him everything he kept longing for when he listened to that tape with your voice; it was giving him the life he thought he wouldn't have anymore, the one he knew he didn’t even deserve.

Javier gripped you tighter against his chest and deepened the kiss. You let out a soft moan and he wanted to smirk; he still had the same effect over you as you had over him.

How could he have gone through life without your kisses? without your touch? without your essence lingering close to him?

With you there, it felt like there was no time in Javier’s life where you weren’t present in some way.

You just crept inside his body and his heart and his mind and you stayed there.

“Let’s get inside.” he muttered against your mouth, you breathed in deeply as he stepped away from you and grabbed your hand.

“Are you sure?” you said, looking at him. Javier frowned.

“Yeah, I just asked you to stay.” he tugged at your hand and pulled you softly towards the house.

You bit your lip and followed him to the house. There was a feeling nagging at your chest you recognized as that self-doubt that you thought you had left inside the glove box of your car and you tried to breathe it away.

The door was still open, and you took then a moment to look around; having been busy crying the first time you walked inside; immediately to the left there was a big archway that led to a dining room that looked simple and comically unused, stiff and almost out of character; straight to the front there was that archway you had seen Chucho disappear into the kitchen and the living room was fairly big; mostly occupied by a dark couch that looked more loved that any other piece of furniture there with a wood, cluttered console table almost protecting the back and two red armchairs on the sides, a sharp-edged coffee table between them that held a few wood figurines on the surface and a big fireplace that filled the opposite on wall; and the free spaces on the walls were filled with pictures and framed newspaper clips with both Chucho and Javier, some of them were in spanish; there were books resting on almost every surface: the fireplace mantelpiece, a cornered bookshelf behind a lamp, an end table next to one of the armchairs.

On the wall above the fireplace there was a mounted alligator gar fish you actually stopped to look at.

“What?” Javier turned to look at you, following your gaze and standing up straighter.

“Did your dad–‌”

“Yeah,” he cut you off. You looked at him and saw him with his proud smirk adorning his face “Carlos has been here since I was a kid,” he explained and you snorted “what?”

“His name is Carlos?” you asked between a tight laugh that helped ease you in, he nodded a few times, enjoying the sound of your laugh so close to him instead of in his mind “you named him, right?” Javier smiled and shook his head.

“My mom did.” he replied. Your laughter stopped, and you scrunched up your nose.

“Sorry.” you muttered almost cautiously. Which he noticed.

“Don’t do that.” he stepped close to you.

“Do what?” you asked him, widening your eyes as if he had caught you stealing Carlos.

“Loosen up,” his hand slid from your hand up your arm and rested on your shoulder, he squeezed it softly and kneaded the flesh a few times “you’re not with a stranger.”

“But you are.” you replied in a whisper before you could stop yourself, Javier licked his lower lip and cupped your face with both hands, leaning to leave a soft kiss on your mouth.

“Am I?” he turned around and kept guiding you through the house.

You frowned at his response. Did he forget? It was as if the hug you had shared a few minutes before had made him forget the entirety of the time you didn’t even talk and you started feeling anxious about it. You didn’t like not knowing, and even when he turned left into a hallway which was filled with more framed pictures of him and his dad and some older pictures of him with more people; you felt the urge to ask him if there was something else hidden behind that smile you loved, but you weren’t expecting to receive.

You crossed the threshold of a room you immediately recognized as his; it smelled like him; the bed was poorly made and there was a thick brown book resting on top of the left pillow.

“You sleep here,” he said. You looked at the bed and turned to him “I’ll take the couch.”

“Are you crazy?” you shook your head “this is your room, I can sleep on the couch I don’t care.”

Javier stood there for a moment, not looking at you, he sighed heavily and walked to sit on the edge of the bed, dropping the letter on the nightstand.

“What the fuck are we doing?” he mumbled, leaning to rest his arms on his knees and his face on one hand.

“What do you mean?” you stood where he left you and fidgeted with your unoccupied hands.

“We’re dancing ‘round each other,” he scoffed, shaking his head, “why?” he asked as he turned his head to gaze at you.

You didn’t move but took his eyes in and the way he was looking at you that was hauntingly different from the ones you were used to get from him.

“I don’t know,” you sighed out, dropping your eyes to the carpeted floor as you tried to analyze your own feelings “I feel like…” you started and saw him out of the corner of your eye shift on the bed towards you “I don’t deserve this, y’know?” your eyes were stuck to the fibers of the carpet and you felt his brown gaze on your body as you tried to put the mess of feelings that was churning inside your gut into words “I don’t know why you’re taking me in, why do you want me to stay?”

Javier saw you lift your face to him and he sighed when he saw your eyes filled with tears again, he stood from the bed and all but strode to you, his hands immediately found their home on your waist and he shivered at the way you sighed when you felt him close to you.

“You forgot what I did to you?” you asked, your eyes on him and Javier felt your eyes staring deeply inside him.

“No,” he replied “but you’re here, you’re here when I thought I’d never see you again,” he shrugged slightly and you shook your head “and we can work all this out.” he let out on a breath.

“Work this out?” you questioned in a whisper, Javier nodded “we haven’t seen each other in five months, wha–‌what does work this out mean?”

Javier gulped and realized he didn't know exactly what it meant.

And you were there, having doubts about the whole ordeal already.

“You don’t know, do you?” you asked him as your hands slid up to his chest and he shook his head no twice.

“Look,” he whispered out, trying to get you closer to him “I’ve been trying to process everything, and…” he pursed his lips trying to find the words inside his head, “and I realized none of it matters to me anymore.” he muttered.

You looked at him hesitantly, Javier recognized the insecure look in your eyes from earlier and from the last days you two had shared in Bogotá.

He hated that you weren’t saying anything; he despised not knowing what you were thinking because your face wasn’t giving him any hints; it was blank, and there were just jots and iotas of what looked like random emotions to him. He wanted to ask, but he knew you had to think about everything as well.

The silence was warm and heavy with anticipation and doubt, and he wanted nothing else but to light up a cigarette and cover it with nicotine smoke.

He was holding your body; his hands resting on your waist as his thumbs smeared the fabric of your shirt around your skin. You were there, but you weren’t.

“Where did you go?” he asked, his deep timber low and intrigued.

You doubted a bit, biting your lip as you formed your abstracts into shapes inside your head, he looked so sure of everything; he looked at you like you were the one that hung the bright stars on the dark sky you were wishing to grasp minutes earlier, and you felt it wrong.

“It doesn’t make sense,” you mumbled out, to nothing and to the heavy silence and to yourself, Javier narrowed his eyes “I hurt you,” you said, nodding once, as if emphasizing it “I lied to you,” you nodded again and Javier mimicked the action “I hid things from you bu–‌but I’m here, for some reason?” you shrug your shoulders in confusion and Javier huffed, frustrated.

Javier wasn’t sure of what the future looked like for either of you, but he understood that doubt you were letting out, he had felt it for a long time and he wanted to get rid of it; he remembered your earlier words of seeking closure, and he imagined how confusing it must be.

He wanted to show you how much you were wanted, but knowing you, he had to say it out loud.

“Let’s talk,” he muttered “we’re not talking, and we need to,” you blinked a few times while his words sank into you, you nodded and let him guide you to the bed, he gestured for you to sit and he sat next to you on the mattress “but first I need you to stop walking on eggshells.”

“I’m not walking on eggshells.” you furrowed your brow.

“Yes you are,” he whispered, leaning his face to you “you're hesitating, where is that woman that called out my shit as she saw it?”

You dropped your eyes to the floor and felt them fill with tears, Javier pinched your chin lightly and moved your head for you to see him.

“I have no idea where she is, Javi,” you muttered as two tears escaped from your eyes, he brushed them off with his other hand, “I think she left, or maybe she never existed,” you sniffed “I have no idea who I am.”

Javier looked into your watery eyes and, as more tears slid through your cheeks, he understood another nuance of you, the weight of what the two of you had lived, together and on your own, not only harmed him. It harmed you too in more than one way; and he had been blinded by his own pain that he just didn’t think about yours.

“Let me tell you who you are,” he said “you are a smart woman, that fears nothing and if she does she doesn’t let anyone know it,” his hands cupped your face as more tears fell “you are funny,” the corner of his mouth lifted and you scoffed “and you’re beautiful in a way I don’t understand,” his thumb started drawing small circles on the skin of your cheek “you put up with me and I don’t know how, I’m the most difficult bastard I know,” he let out a soft chuckle and you smiled at him “you are restless and brave…”

“I’m not.” you shook your head, Javier brushed your lips closed with a thumb.

“Strong and driven, so damn stubborn you just refuse to look at what I’m doing.” he let out.

“What?” you frowned again in confusion and Javier smiled softly at you.

“I hugged you,” he muttered and mimicked the nodding of his head you directed to him before “I kissed you, I escorted you personally to my room and you still think I don’t want you here.”

“I don’t deserve it.” you whispered against his thumb.

Javier looked at you and tried to dig up with his gaze the feeling that was keeping you from being that woman he had fallen in love with; your tear-filled eyes that looked at everything and at nothing at the same time, your trembling lower lip, your hushed voice tone that was so different and so far away from that tone you commanded and demanded respect with when he met you.

He found it ironic how much the tables had turned in so little time.

“You’re right,” he let out, dragging his thumb from your lips to your cheeks “we don’t deserve it,” he shook his head a few times “this?” he aimed his head around and sighed “it’s too good for both of us,” you nodded and rolled your eyes slightly, he was right, “but I think we’ve earned the right to be selfish, don’t you?”

His words sank inside you like a pebble on a calm lake and eased little by little that uncontrollable cyclone that were your emotions; how was he so right?

“Who are you and what did you do to Javier Peña?” you asked him, making him chuckle again.

“I’m me, baby,” he muttered, and you felt your breath hitch at the endearment “renewed and a bit patched up.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” you mumbled out, Javier took your head and made you look at him.

“I know, stop saying that, I know.” he sighed and leaned towards you, leaving another soft kiss on your lips.

“I think I’m gonna spend the rest of my time making it up to you.” you whispered against his lips and he smiled.

“The rest of it?” he teased. You bit your lip and nodded.

“Every minute.”

“You don’t have to,” he sat back and dropped his hands from your face, taking one of yours and gripping it tightly. His eyes fell to your intertwined fingers “just be here.”

“Javier,” you called out, and he looked at you “how do I know you won’t resent me for this?”

“You don’t,” he let out, you let out the air that was trapped in your lungs “I don’t either,” you saw him shrug and smirk at you “let’s just hope it doesn’t happen.”

“Fuck,” you chuckled out, he smiled at you and you sighed in relief “I love you.”

Javier’s face fell for the total amount to two seconds that felt like two hours when you saw his smile fade into a wide-eyed, surprised grin.

Your heart was beating at the rhythm of a racehorse’s gallop, but you didn’t take it back, you couldn’t, after showing him and after doing what you did, you couldn’t just erase it because it was true.

And saying it, to him, out loud, made your body feel as light as a falling leaf.

“Good to know,” he let out, his lips curving in a half open smile you had seen exactly once in all the time you knew him “because I love you too.”

As soon as he said it Javier took your hands and pulled you flush to his chest. A soft yelp escaped your mouth because of the force, and your arms instantly wrapped themselves around his shoulders. He hid his face inside the crook of your neck and you felt a shiver roam up and down your back when he inhaled you in.

“This’s nice.” his voice was muffled by your skin and the fabric of your shirt, you huffed.

“It is.” you whispered, laying your head on his shoulder and sighing again contentedly.

“Are you tired?” he asked without moving and you nodded “you wanna sleep?” he asked again and you nodded a second time.

“Will you sleep here?” you mumbled, closing your eyes as his essence and the warmth of his body mingled with yours and settled inside you.

“You want me to?”

“I’d love you to.”

Your phrase seemed to wake him up from the temporal slumber your embrace had put him into and he helped you stand up from the bed; he said nothing as he walked to his closet on the corner of the room, grabbed a white t-shirt and handed it to you.

“The bathroom is just getting out of the hallway, if you wanna change there,” he said with a slight shrug, and you let out a giggle, as if he didn’t know already every inch of your body “I’m serious.”

“I know you are.” you said, walking towards the black desk on the opposite corner of his room and leaving the t-shirt on the surface, taking off your shoes.

Javier rolled his eyes as he turned around and pulled down the bedsheets, he grabbed the book from the pillow to rest on his nightstand. He took the letter he had dropped there first and turned to find you taking off your jeans, already wearing his shirt.

You looked at him and gave him a soft smile as he walked towards the desk, opened one of the small drawers and tossed the letter inside.

“You should burn that.” you teased.

“Never.” he teased back, stealing another chuckle out of you. He walked around you towards his closet and started pulling off his clothes.

“I like that shirt.” you went to the bed and sat back on the edge. He looked down at the red fabric and then shook his head.

“‘S yours if you want it.”

“Mhm,” you hummed in feigned consideration “looks better on you,” he smiled as he slid the shirt off his shoulders, “you still sleep on the right side?” you asked, turning back to the bed, smiling as your eyes landed on his nightstand and recognized the book he was reading: Cien años de soledad… your copy.

“Yeah.”

“You stole my book.” you turned to him as he was finishing putting on pajama pants.

“What?”

“I lent you that book,” you pointed back at the nightstand with your thumb “you sneaky asshole,” you teased and he started laughing in silence, walking towards you “I’m gonna steal it back.”

Javier grabbed your hand from your lap and pulled you to stand up, his hands wrapped your waist as he stopped laughing and your hands landed on his naked chest.

“You were right, though,” he muttered, leaving a kiss on your cheek “I needed to read some fiction.”

“I still can’t believe you never read it.” you teased him, tracing his collarbone with your fingers.

Silence fell upon you again as he rested his lips on the skin of your cheekbone. But, as most things that day, it turned back into a comfortable, lighter silence that was miles and miles away from the ones you had shared in Colombia.

Everything there was so different than it was before but you knew, deep inside, that it wasn’t a bad turn; and it made you think that maybe, the time you two spent apart, as horrid, painful and rough as it was; was needed.

He couldn’t seem to bring himself to stop touching you, his hands had missed the texture of your skin and the warmth of your body, Javier moved his hands only to let you lay down on the bed next to him, he turned off the lights and almost immediately, brought you back to him, your chest resting on his side, your head resting on his chest, the skin on skin contact was doing wonders to him and he knew he wouldn’t need anything else as long as you gave him permission to touch you.

“They offered me México.” he mumbled out, breaking the tranquil, dark silence you were snuggling under as his hand rested on your rib side.

“What?” you asked, turning your head on his chest to face him.

“After Cali, when I resigned, they offered me México.” he said, you frowned.

“That’s ironic.”

“Yeah.”

“You would’ve hated it.” you said, your fingers tracing shapeless figures on his skin.

“Why?”

“They made it a hellhole.” you shrugged slightly and his chest rose with the deep breath he took.

“Would’ya ever tell me ‘bout your time there?” he asked softly, bringing you closer to him.

“Yeah, at some point,” he hummed in response, “your dad called me Florecita.”

“Uhm, yeah.” he let out.

“Why? you didn’t tell him my name?” you asked him softly.

“I did… but the nickname kinda stuck.” he huffed. You squinted to study his features in the dark and saw him smirk.

“You called me that, right? when you talked to him?” you questioned teasingly “is that the nickname you gave me?” he nodded, and you rolled your eyes.

“You don’t like it?” he teased back.

“I mean…” you hesitated, knowing he’d tease you “I kinda do,” he laughed, and you slapped his pectoral softly “shut up.” you hid your face in his chest.

“Ay, mi florecita.” (my little flower)

“Don’t call me that.” you said in fake chastisement and he kissed the crown of your head.

He chuckled and the soft movement of his chest and the sound of his silent breathing lulled you to sleep.

For the first time in months, you fell asleep with ease.

That night Javier slept better than he had in ten years.

←previous // next→

*ABOUT CARLOS*

pedrito's perma list: @queenofthefaceless @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight1 @cheekygeek05 @bii-aan-ckaa @letaliabane @starlightmornings @mouthymandalorianalso @supernaturalgirl @metalarmsandmanbuns @purplepascal042 @asta-lily @greeneyedblondie44 @missswriter @juletheghoul @pedro-pastel @agirllovespancakes

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites-blog @absurdthirst @alliterative-albatross @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @jasmincita @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #narcos netflix #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

193 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 23

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +6.4k

Chapter warnings: lmao angst and then fluff, a brief mention of food, and drugs and a dog.

A/N: This chapter is set after season three. // aAAAAAA this is so long i dont even why but it took me like ALL day FUCK FUCK FUCK anyway thanks to all my babies that got me through the desperation of wanting this to write itself lmao, also two chapters and we are DONE with the main story holy shit

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gifs: @pascalsky

Javier groaned when he sat up and moved his legs to get them out of the bed and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand; three forty-eight in the morning. He turned on the lamp, reached at his nape and scratched with blunt nails and reached for the pack of smokes that he left on the nightstand before laying down to try to sleep with the other hand.

He pulled the last one out of the pack and stood up to throw the empty carton in the trashcan near the door; he eyed the empty pack from the day before in the bottom of the can with the cigarette clinging to his lips thanks to near dry spit making them sticky and let out a deep sigh.

It wasn’t working.

His tongue moved to shift the cigarette from his lips and he let it fall inside the trashcan, knowing it wouldn’t be the last one he put between his lips, but at least he didn’t light it.

Javier thought of getting out of the room and raiding his dad’s bar again, but he knew it wouldn’t do him any good.

It wasn’t working.

He knew it, and it couldn't be denied any longer. He wasn’t getting any younger and his old ways weren’t helping him forget as they used to ten or fifteen years before.

Javier walked back to the bed and sat on the edge, letting his half naked body fall backwards on the mattress and looking at the ceiling, he felt his hand twitch and he felt it empty without a nicotine stick firmly pressed between his index and his thumb but did nothing to calm it down.

Ten or fifteen years before: had it really been that long? Javier huffed at nothing and scratched his chest, leaving his hand there, uselessly wondering what would it be of him if he did something different; incidentally working through years and years of missteps, mishappens, mistakes, and shaping them in some other way that would have saved him from five months of poor sleep and constant drunkenness, five months of chain-smoking and lack of sharpness, five months of only remembering the bad things he had done and the bad things he deserved.

He huffed again because of course his retirement wouldn’t be him sitting on a porch to enjoy the evening Texas breeze and a glass of scotch; even if he had tried it.

It was having nightmares every third night he wanted nothing but to shove deep inside his head, but that then, reluctantly, he had to tell his new therapist his dad had forced him to go to.

It was having to remember all the men he saw dying every time he heard the words war or coke or shooting. Having to remember them changing and fighting and dying for a cause he wasn’t sure if he still believed in. Having to remember Carrillo every time he and Steve talked on the phone.

It was remembering you each time someone sent him a letter congratulating his work or asking for consultation or asking for an interview; because he had an idea of what you had been through and he was sure he didn’t deserve all that claptrap. He did nothing but cause chaos and destruction and death and even though his therapist said it wasn’t his fault he knew it was because he aided for it to happen.

But you? You did everything you could to find yourself a way to recover what was yours, and you still lost it.

Javier sat up again and after six exact seconds of consideration, he leaned forward and opened his nightstand drawer. He took the black tape he had been clinging to for five months and held it in front of him for a couple of minutes.

He chuckled at himself and gripped the small cassette, took from the drawer his tape player, pressed the red button for it to open, let the tape fall in the slit and closed it, turned it on and rewinded the tape, trying to make the calculations in his head of how many times he had repeated that process as the tape ran to the beginning.

He put the headphones on, laid down back on the bed and pressed play.

“Hi, Javi, uhm…”

God, how he missed you.

The phone rang again, fuck the phone, you thought, and hid your face under a pillow, trying to fall asleep again despite the clear signal that you were no longer sleepy.

And the phone rang again, you lifted your head from the cocoon of pillows and eyed the clock on your nightstand, who was calling you at five seventeen in the morning?

Grunting, you got out of the bed and walked out of the bedroom to the small space that made your living room, dining room and kitchen and got to the phone.

“Hello?” your voice was a deep groan, and you cleared your throat.

“Another letter came for you, when are you gonna change your address?” your dad’s voice broke through the receiver and you closed your eyes, breathing in and out the stress it was already provoking in you.

“I’ll get to it, dad,” you replied “are you gonna send it to me or can I go to the house?” you questioned, feeling already your lower lip tremble.

“I’ll send it, your mom doesn’t wanna see you yet,” he let out in a stern voice “sorry, pumpkin.” he whispered and hung up the phone.

You sat on the armrest of the loveseat next to the phone and let your tears fall from your eyes, not even bothering about cleaning them anymore.

You sighed and nodded to yourself, letting your tired gaze roam around your tiny living space and you missed the openness of your family house, the one you had come back to and were expelled from by an angry mother that felt ashamed of the truth you told them.

But you had to give it to her, she didn’t even know you went down to Colombia, or that you’d been having drug issues, or that they fired you.

She had told you she didn’t know who you were anymore.

Neither did you.

So you left, they couldn’t be more disappointed in you than you were in yourself, so you walked out as your mom wanted and tried to find a home for yourself as you still wondered what the hell were you supposed to do. There wasn’t a handbook or a protocol that taught people how to stop being a DEA agent, the government didn’t train people to go back to civility or even offered a program to forget all the shit you had lived in the places they had sent you.

You stayed in your hometown, unknowingly to your old friends and twenty minutes away from your parent’s home and didn’t leave your house unless absolutely necessary; Albuquerque wasn’t a small town, but it wasn’t big, and you were dreading walking past someone who knew you before you had lost yourself and tried to explain all your baggage, you didn’t have the time, or the energy. And you didn’t want people feeling sorry for yourself, with the woman in the mirror you had enough.

Everything seemed pointless, and you felt heavy all the time, as if you were carrying a chain ball in each foot and shackles in your hands while being dragged down by quicksand.

In the kitchen's corner you saw the last two boxes you still didn’t have energy to unpack after moving them across the continent and let out a teary sight as you stood from the armrest and walked to them.

You opened the first box and saw it filled with office clutter; pencils, markers, some notebooks and notepads, the brown journal you had been looking for to burn on your stove; a set of keys you weren’t sure what they opened and in the bottom, folded pieces of paper.

“Oh, no.” you muttered to the air of the warm kitchen and you doubted reaching in for it… The hesitation lasted two minutes but for you it was like two hours, you knew what it was, you knew why it was in that box and when you took it it felt hot and heavy. You were holding feelings in that letter, you were holding hours of shed tears and memories you didn’t want to have anymore. Memories that still haunted you whenever you smelled roasted colombian coffee and saw an ad of Malduros on tv.

You didn’t open it. You knew what was written there. And for a few seconds you thought of burning it on the stove instead.

“Well, I don’t want this, might as well send it.” you muttered under your breath, recognizing it would do you some good to stop holding to it, acknowledging it would do you some good to know he had it. If he wanted to rip it into millions of pieces or burn it or toss it in the trash or eat it, it was his problem.

You bit your lip as you walked to the phone; you hadn’t thought of him in a while. But as you sat on the loveseat all the shit you wanted to bury if not get rid of came back to your mind like a high wave of a rough sea; sharp, cold, gritty.

“Shit.” you gasped, trying to breathe in and out several times because you didn’t want to cry. It was too early for crying.

You grabbed the phone and thought who could have Javier’s address. God, even thinking of his name made your chest flutter and your stomach churn. You had fooled yourself into thinking he didn’t have an effect on you anymore, into even assuring five months was enough to forget him. What a fool.

You dialed the number of the only person you knew for sure knew the address by heart; the phone rang three times before it was answered.

“Hello?” a sleepy nasal voice greeted, and you smiled through the few tears that had accumulated in your eyes, grateful that he still had his embassy issued cell phone.

“Stod!” your smile was making your cheeks hurt, and you wondered in the back of your head when was the last time you had smiled.

“Who’s this? Flor?” he asked and you let out a stiff chuckle. You decided not to be a huge asshole and dump something heavy as your actual name that early in the morning, so you went with it.

“Yeah, sorry to call at this hour, did I wake you?” you played with the edge of the loveseat’s armrest.

“Kinda,” a noise of shuffle was heard “but it’s almost seven here, so I’m not that mad,” he teased, making you chuckle again “how are you? to what do I owe the honor?”

“Uhm, I–‌I’m calling to take advantage of you,” you said, hearing his chuckle through the line and a whisper of of course you did, “by any chance do you know Peña’s address in Texas?” you asked, closing your eyes and crossing your fingers, wishing for him to not ask:

“Why?”

“I–‌I have something of his...” you mumbled under your breath “I just found it and I wanna send it.” you said, which wasn’t technically a lie.

“Uh…” Stoddard hesitated, and you heard a faint of a pouring noise in the back that made you sigh, a cup of coffee would do you wonders, “well I do–I don't know if I’m allowed to just say it, y’know?” you frowned.

“Oh, come on, please?” you pleaded, your leg started bouncing because of the anxiety that was growing in your chest.

“What is it? is something important?” he asked.

“Super important,” you nodded even though he couldn’t see, “he needs it.”

“How do you know?” he questioned again, and you whined under your breath.

“Uhm, I ju–‌I just know, uhm…” since when were you a twitchy, nervous mess? “can’t you just tell me?”

“Not really, no.” he muttered in that voice that made you want to punch him and hug him at the same time.

You let out the air of your lungs and controlled your body.

You had promised yourself to tell the truth when it was necessary. So you were going to.

“Look, Stod, this is long to explain, okay?” you began, and he hummed affirmatively in response, “the only thing you need to know is that the thing I have here is very important that he gets because he needs to know that I kept it for him.” you said, closing your eyes again.

“Flor you just told me nothing.” he let out, his voice was being muffled and it sounded like he had something in his mouth.

“Fuck, Stoddard, I love him, okay?” you let out “and this thing I have is a letter that I need him to have so he knows I love him!” you panted and bit your lip when he didn’t answer.

You just had said out loud you loved someone, you just had said to someone you loved Javier Peña for the first time. Shit.

“Oh,” Stoddard said after a moment and you held your breath, “you have where to write?”

“You’re a fucking king!”

Six hours later, you wanted nothing else but to turn the fucking car around.

“This is a mistake, this is a fucking mistake!” you yelled inside your car, opening the glove box to toss there your sunglasses. The highway 285 was eternal, and you hated driving through it; it was empty, there was nothing but desert landscapes and the occasional tree, but you were halfway, just crossing the state border and there was nothing in the everlasting earth that would make you drive back home, not even your fucking hesitation, not even your self-doubt.

“What the fuck am I gonna say?” you asked yourself again, chewing on your lower lip and gripping the steering wheel, “am I just pulling on his driveway and knocking on his door and saying hi I’m sorry I broke your heart I have a letter for you? Fuck!” you saw the beginning of yet another town and you drove slowly looking for a gas station, “or better yet, I read this shit to him to complete the humiliation!” you turned your head for a second at the letter resting easily in the co-pilot’s seat and you groaned, finding a gas station. You were also hungry.

With the car’s tank full and a plastic bag filled with snacks for the remaining six hours, you sighed to yourself and started driving again.

“You’re doing this because you need closure,” you told yourself, shoving your hand into a bag of salted chips and bringing three to your mouth “if he doesn’t wanna see you, too bad, he’s gonna miss your haircut,” you mumbled, chewing at the same time “you leave the letter and let him decide what to do with it.”

With the highway 285 long behind you and the sky just beginning to turn orange, you had convinced yourself of your own reasons and you even had a plan to go back home as soon as you were done in Laredo. You also had promised yourself and all your Muertos, you wouldn’t react to Javier Peña if he didn’t react to you and as you had learned in your three-year station in México, you can’t break a promise you made to dead people.

“Shit, shit, shit,” you said when the marked map told you you were a block away from the Peña’s ranch house, you were chewing the last bit of a nearly melted chocolate bar you had bought hours ago as your nervousness betrayed you and you started chuckling at your impulses, “holy fuck, I wanna go home!”

But you were already there. The gate was open and there were two trucks parked on the driveway. So you sucked everything you were feeling, and you turned off the ignition. Fuck. It.

You breathed in and out several times before you unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbed the letter and opened the door. You did it again as you walked the gravel path to the house and were grateful it was already dark, so at least the night could help you hide until the last second.

You stopped walking, rationality coming back to you.

“What the fuck am I doing?” you whispered to yourself and turned around, shaking your head as you walked back to the car.

“Mija!” you heard behind you, you froze in place and stiffened at the sound of a thick accent in a rough and warm voice.

“Oh, no.” you said under your breath.

“It’s you!” you turned around, and you saw the face of the man you had only met through an old picture Javier carried with him at all times. “viniste.” (you came) behind him walked a black, large dog that ignored the man and huffed at you.

“I’m sorry?” your voice went out thin and high, and you wanted to chastise yourself for it. You had given yourself a seven-hour pep talk on the way, and you were already breaking.

“I told him,” the man rolled his eyes behind the glasses he was wearing and gestured for you to walk closer “Jesús Peña, nice to finally meet you,” he extended his hand to you and you took it and shook it, the dog got closer to you and smelled your legs, you tried to smile at him and at the dog but tears were already gathering inside your eyes “le dije que ibas a venir a buscarlo.” (I told him you’ll come looking for him)

“I’m sorry, Mr. Peña, I–‌I do–‌”

“Mr. Peña nada,” he interrupted, “call me Chucho,” you nodded and sniffed slightly “ven,” (come) he gestured again and started walking towards the house, “Pepe, métete.” (get inside) he called, and the dog trotted to his side.

“Wait, Chucho, wait!” you called him under your breath as you followed him, he didn’t stop.

“Come on in,” he opened the house door and waited for you to get inside. He nodded his head for you to walk in and you frowned.

“You don’t even know who I am, what ar–‌”

“I know enough,” he said solemnly, walked inside and you and the dog did too and he pointed to an armchair “siéntate, mija, he’s on the back.” he turned around and walked through an archway to what it looked like the kitchen and disappeared through a door, Pepe behind him.

“What the fuck.” you sobbed out, knowing you had little time to leave the letter you were clutching in your hands on the coffee table in front of you and walk out and leave for good. But you couldn’t move, you were in Javier’s house and you wanted to stop being there, but your body was frozen in place and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. You wanted to scream at yourself, at your fucking impulses; you had all the opportunities to turn around and go back home, why didn’t you listen to your logical, rational, always right brain?

“Hi.” you heard behind your back and you covered your mouth with the hand that wasn’t holding the fucking letter.

You turned around and blinked the first two tears of what you already knew was going to be a sea of them.

He was wearing the red shirt. And God, it was his color.

Javier wanted to run away and hide.

He had just made peace with never seeing you again; he had just accepted that the only part he would have of you was that voice mail you had left him months before. But there you were, teary and gorgeous in front of him. Shaking and with your hands holding a piece of paper as if it were your lifeline.

His head was a contradiction, because he wanted to grab you and hug you all the same he wanted to grab you and shove you out of his house and his life.

“What are you doing here?” Javier asked, knowing deep inside him he wanted to tell you how good you looked and how much he liked your new hair. You let out a shaky breath at his deep voice. You had missed it.

It was the first time you saw him in five months, and the weight of your feelings for him fell again on your shoulders like a recently broken off boulder, heavy, rough edged and shapeless.

“I don’t know.” you answered truthfully, he sighed and deviated his eyes from you, you breathed in heavily and the only thing that got into your lungs was his essence. You cursed under your breath and he huffed, putting his hands on his hips and leaning to the side.

“How d'you found me?” he questioned, and you huffed through the tears.

“I have my resources.” you let out on a whisper. Trying to find his eyes, you needed to see his eyes.

“What do you want?” Javier asked again, and you deflated at the tone of his voice. The rational part of your brain yelled I told you so at your feelings and you knew it was right, you were expecting too much of yourself and of him.

“See you,” you bit your lower lip and Javier saw from the corner of his eyes how you scrunched up your nose, and he felt something inside his chest flutter, hating and loving all the same how much of you he still had stored inside his memory, “I have something for you.”

“Keep it.” he let out. You shook your head and raised your hand with the letter on it.

“Read it.” you half ordered, half pleaded, Javier chuckled and then shook his head, mimicking you.

“I don’t want it.” he knew he was lying to himself, he wanted to know what it was, he wanted to grip it and smell the paper and read it over and over but his body wasn’t responding to what his feelings were telling him and only responded, almost in automatic, to his prideful side, to that side of him that still resented you and himself.

“Alright then,” you said, standing straight after realizing you had regained the ability to read him even through your tears, and understanding there was something he was struggling with, “I’ll read it.”

“Stop.” Javier frowned and looked at you, his eyes pleading for you to do something you couldn’t decipher.

“I know, okay?” you said, trying to reassure him and yourself “I know I’m in no position to ask for shit,” Javier dropped his hands to the sides “but I just want ten minutes, just ten of your life, and you’ll never have to see me again if that’s what you want.”

You knew it was a risky thing to say, but you needed him to know, you needed him to understand you because you knew and he knew you did understand him. And he needed to know you. You and your version.

He said nothing, you took it as his queue to start so you breathed in deeply and unfolded the letter.

“Stop.” Javier said under his breath.

“No,” you wiped a tear off your cheek “I wrote this when I went back to Colombia after I got fired,” Javier looked at you and you saw his face quirk in something close to pain “uhm, before I wrote this I drove around Bogotá,” you recalled that last day in the city and how much it pained you to be there, “I went–‌I went to some of the places you told me you liked” you tried to smile and dropped your eyes to your shoes, trying to find something to cling to and compose yourself “even that little cafe you told me about, near the palace of justice, remember?” you sobbed out. And he called your name. Making you gasp.

“Stop,” you looked up at him and saw him frowning, his eyes glistening with unshed tears, “we don’t need this.”

“I do!” you let out, Javier brushed his lips with his thumb and felt his hand twitch in need of nicotine again “I need to tell you all this!” you wiped your tears away again “I need closure!” you cried out.

Javier felt his stomach turn around and all the blood of his body went to his feet. Fuck.

How could he had been so stupid? he got into his own feelings too much and he forgot that you had cried your eyes out to him all those months ago when you handed him everything you were in a couple of manila folders. He had gotten wrapped by his own feelings and the hurricane your declaration had created in his life that he had forgotten just how much you were suffering as well. Because he might have thought about you; all the time, every day; he thought about your past and your reasons and motivations. He even thought of you naked on his bed in Colombia, under his body, moaning and gasping when he needed some release, but he forgot to think about your feelings.

“I didn’t come here to ask for forgiveness because I know I don’t deserve it,” you said and Javier felt the wetness of a tear escaping his eye and making its way through his cheek, “I’m trying to get closure, Javier, please let me try.”

Javier nodded.

You cried more when you saw him brush a tear off with his thumb and chew the inside of his mouth. You wanted to run away; you were sure he was better before you came to his house and disrupted his peace; you were hurting him again, and you wanted to kneel in front of him and ask him for what you said you weren’t seeking. He made you want so much.

You sniffed and dropped your eyes to the open letter in your hand, Javier didn’t move from where he was standing.

“No amount of guilt will or can change the past,” you began, Javier crossed his arms on his chest and saw movement to his side, “that much I know. I kno–‌know that it doesn’t matter,” you sniffed again and Javier turned his head to watch the dog casually walking towards him and sitting next to his boots. You saw it too, and you let out a sad chuckle.

“Ignore him.” he just said. You nodded.

“Uhm, it doesn’t matter how much I apologize, or how many I’m sorry’s I mouth, forgiveness doesn’t come for free.” you didn’t want to lift your eyes to see him, so you continued.

Javier only saw you reading him something he was sure you had poured your heart into, and he wanted nothing but to hear what you wanted to say to him, but he couldn’t focus into listening, because there you were, again in front of him doing what he never dared to do.

Opening your fucking chest, taking your heart out and giving it raw to him.

“...knowing and realizing and acknowledging just how much I love you.”

Javier drowned a gasp, as he fell in love with you all over again, you were doing what he didn’t have the balls to do, because in his sleepless sleep he wanted to look for you, in the middle of his idle nights, just after waking up after a nightmare, he wanted to find you and go to you and tell you whatever the fuck he could to be back with you. But he never did, he never did because he was a coward, because he feared his own feelings so fucking much.

He couldn't hear anything of it after your declaration of love. God, how much he loved you. You were standing there, with your eternally hopeful eyes filled with crystalline tears and several pages of written feelings. And he realized, there, with you in the middle of his living room, shifting to the next page, that even though you were extremely similar, you were also very different.

“...with you I found a reason to give up after all the shit I've lived in…” you muttered and he found the differences inside him; you were braver than him, you were smarter and more connected with what you felt; you weren’t scared of your feelings as he was. You went for what you wanted and even though it had been five months of that dreadful day when he saw his heart squeezed out of his body by your hesitant hand, that day he still replayed inside his head when the day was just over and his brain was floating between sleep and awakeness, he still wondered why you were bothering.

“There were so many things I thought…” you kept reading as he wondered if it was possible for the two of you to connect with each other outside of shared trauma and sympathy for each other’s experiences. But he answered to himself that even if you two weren’t as emotionally available as you needed to be to build a relationship or if you both were having a hard time adapting to be and live out of the system, maybe the love was real.

You stopped reading after noticing he was just standing there with his arms crossed and his eyes on you but not seeing you; you wiped the last of your tears and chuckled bitterly to yourself. Making him blink a few times.

“Fuck this,” you crumpled the pages in your hands and dropped them on the coffee table, shaking your head. Javier frowned, “it doesn’t matter what I read, I shouldn’t have come.” you said, drowning your sobs and gasping for air. He wasn’t paying attention, and nothing about it was making you feel any better about anything.

“What?” Javier whispered, dropping his hands to his sides.

“A’right, then…” you didn’t look at him and tried to control your breathing again “I guess that’s what I wanted to do,” you walked to the door and opened it, Javier wanted to ask what the fuck was happening, he wanted to grab your arm and stop you as he didn’t do it when you were leaving his office back in Colombia “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Javier,” he winced slightly involuntarily at the way you sobbed out his name “I’ll go.”

You walked out of the house covering your mouth with your hand to muffle your sobs, your rational brain was right, it was a mistake; it was a complete and utter mistake, and you were so ashamed of yourself for even thinking it would change anything. You walked to your car feeling the sharp, stinging sensation of a migraine settling in your head. You heard steps behind you and you turned around slowly, not wanting to put hope on the source being Javier.

“Mija,” you look at Chucho trying to catch up with you, “¿a dónde vas?” (where are you going?)

“I’m going home.” you said, shrugging at the man when he stopped in front of you.

“Why?” he asked, frowning.

“Because he said nothing, Chucho,” you bit your lip and looked at the Texan night sky and huffed at yourself, “he said nothing.”

“But he wants you, mija!” he assured you, and you shook your head several times.

“If he wants me as you say,” you pointed towards the house behind him, “then how come I’m not with him?” you reasoned, “he doesn’t want me.”

You dropped your eyes to the gravel path as Chucho sighed and raised his hand to squeeze your shoulder just enough for you to feel less sad. Just how a father would do.

Chucho glared at the house, the door open and Pepe standing in the threshold; his son had been back for months, he had been living next to him, eating next to him, working next to him and breathing next to him just as he did before he went away but he knew, just like a father could, he was not the same man that left.

He reminisced over the muchacho his son was before he left Laredo, so eager to get out of the small town he grew up in and that harbored his family home, so anxious to meet new horizons, so keen to find and explore new places and learn new things; he sometimes found himself missing that boy, he sometimes missed his Javi; the one that helped him build a paddock for his own horse, the one that washed his truck without asking and without failing each friday evening, the one that took care of his Mamá’s funeral at sixteen when himself was too sad to think about coffins or tombstones; because the man that came back to him after almost two decades too far away from home wasn’t the same.

He had seen and done things that Chucho never wanted to to ask about but he imagined, his Javier wasn’t the same. And Chucho knew why, but he also knew about you. Javi had talked about you way too much for his own good, as he did everything. And Chucho also knew why, he wasn’t letting the woman that made his son come back home run away.

“He does want you,” he said, slowly, with a low voice, as if it were a secret, “mijo… es un idiota a veces, but he loves you.” (he’s an idiot sometimes)

“You don’t know that.” you refuted.

“I do,” he gave you a smile that was barely visible under the white mustache “el te ama, y yo…” (he loves you, and I…) “I’m so grateful.” you shook your head as two thick tears left your eyes.

“I broke his heart.” you sobbed out.

“Y me lo trajiste a casa, Florecita” (and you brought him home to me, little flower) you sobbed harder, not able to control it anymore, and he brought you to him, and held you.

“He told you my fake name?” you asked between sobs.

“He told me what you look like.” he muttered.

“I’m so sorry.” you let yourself be wrapped by him and you hid your face on his shoulder.

“Don’t be, without you I would’ve lost my only child.” you held him tighter.

“Please.” you pleaded for nothing and everything at the same time.

“You gotta fight for him, mija.” he muttered to your ear, and you shook your head, still leaning into him.

“I’m fighting for him!” you almost yelled “I’m here, aren’t I?” you lifted your head to look at the man and you gasped for air, dropping your hands to your sides “I drove almost thirteen hours non-stop all the way from Albuquerque just to be here!” you told him and the man stiffened as you lost your shit in front of him, you gripped your head between your hands “thirteen hours to read him that stupid letter and he didn’t say shit!”

“You did what?” you heard and lifted your head to see Javier standing behind his dad.

Chucho looked at Javier and then at you with your cheeks dampened with tears. He squeezed your shoulder again and turned to walk to the house.

“You were in Albuquerque all this time?” he said, and you nodded, noticing he was holding the letter in his hand “when you said you’d go you meant back there?” he frowned in confusion.

“Well, yeah, I have nowhere to stay so I might as well drive home.” you muttered, Javier’s frown deepened, and he stepped towards you.

“Stay here,” he said, “if you wanna leave you leave in the morning.” his voice was thin and low. You looked at his eyes and saw them reddened and wet.

“Did you read it?” you whispered out. He stepped towards you again, nodding.

“Stay.” he whispered back.

“You don’t want me.” you said under your breath as shook your head and he stepped closer.

“Who says that?” he asked, and you looked at the gravel path again.

“I won’t stay.” you felt Javier’s warm fingers graze under your chin and lift your head to him slowly.

“Don’t be so stubborn,” he chastised you with half a smirk forming on his lips “stay with us.” you shook your head again.

“You don’t want me here but you want me to stay,” you said, frowning at him “Javier you can’t have it bo–‌”

“I want you to stay,” he interrupted you “I want you to stay with me,” he whispered as his fingers moved to your cheek and wiped away a tear. “please.”

Javier had read your letter after you walked out and realized, at the prospect of you leaving for what it seemed like forever, at the possibility of you leaving him for good and he never getting to see you or your gorgeous face or your hypnotizing eyes or hearing your voice that did so many things on him, that the balance of his other losses leaned upwards when he weighed the probability of losing you.

Did he care about what you did? of course he did, it still stung sometimes deep inside his chest, it still filled him with something close to grief.

Was he willing to work it out and let it aside because he didn’t want to feel the agony and deep sorrow of not having you by his side he had been feeling for the last five months again? yes.

And the answer to that question inside his head startled him and shook him deeply.

You were there. God, you were there, there was no way he was going to let you leave.

Javier decided you could work it out later, he loved you way too much not to try. He didn’t even plan to love you the way he did, the way he discovered by reading that letter or remembering the man he was without you. He didn’t even plan to love you at all, but he did. He was madly, insanely, deeply in love with you.

Javier moved his hand to your shoulder and let the one holding the letter find its way to your waist. Find its way home.

“Don’t go.” he whispered again. He moved the last step to wrap his hands around you. You let out a low yelp at the feeling of his body so close to you, for a second you froze in place, your eyes closed and his warmth invaded your entire body as he hid his head in the crook of your neck. He inhaled your essence as you hugged him back and gripped him tightly against you.

Javier felt as if all his parts were being glued back together.

“Stay with me.” he whispered against the skin of your neck.

So you stayed.

←previous // next→

*THE LETTER*

Pepe:

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @alliterative-albatross @absurdthirst @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @jasmincita @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #narcos fan fic #narcos netflix #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

190 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 21

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.9k

Chapter warnings: uhm, this chapter is Javier’s perspective ehehe, so, beware fo feelings

A/N: This chapter is set in season three, episode ten. // again, i am really fucking sorry, but we are ALMOST DONE OMG, also i wanna say thanks to my official cheerleaders @queenofthefaceless and @maharani-radha-writes that helped me a lot and @alliterative-albatross that made me feel sure of some of the ideas i had for this chapter, i love you lots, guys. While proof reading this chapter for the first time i understood why it was the hardest to write, it was because i had just to strip myself naked and understand more of Javier Peña as i had built him... i just... im not quite pleased with the second half of this, but i know its needed.

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gif: @javier-pena (thank you so much for making this when i needed it the most, ily)

The air weighed on his chest; he felt his lungs struggling to find air; as he drove home, he felt his heart pounding hard and fast, as if it wanted to rip out of his chest and run and hide and die.

As if his heart wanted the same he did.

Javier couldn’t sleep that night. He didn’t even try to close his eyes after climbing into bed.

Every time he closed his eyes, he saw you.

Jesus Christ.

His mind was reeling, he couldn’t stop replaying every single thing you told him in his mind.

“My name is not Florencia Martín”

“A precarious situation”

“Another Los Pepes scenario”

“You do care, you care a lot”

He wanted to crawl into a deep hole and bury himself to stop his body from feeling.

Javier cringed deeply when he remembered he had told you he had fallen in love with you without even thinking about it.

That certainly wasn’t the way you were supposed to find out.

He guessed, while tossing around on his bed, on the same sheets that still smelled like you, that he had it coming. He probably deserved it. But that didn’t make him feel any better, it stung.

It burned.

Javier had stripped himself naked for you, more than just his body, he had let you see him; he had let you touch him; he had let you read him; he had let you know him.

He had let himself feel and… he had let himself think he deserved something good.

He felt like such an idiot, stupid and embarrassed because there you had been… Standing in front of him, in a place he thought it would become something close to his fortress, breaking him. And he let you.

God. He had known you for less than six months, and yet he let you have power over him. All that power to make him whatever you wanted. He had handed you a sledgehammer and his heart and soul on a porcelain platter for you to shatter.

And he just took it.

Javier huffed at his own thoughts while his eyes were glued to the ceiling.

He was an idiot, wasn’t he? Having let himself feel all those things he had been so beware of for a woman he never really knew.

What else was fake about you?

He felt that sting, known and oh so foreign clench in his throat and he fought it. He fought it hard. Why was he feeling like that?

“A precarious situation”

“You do care, you care a lot”

He sat up and brought his knees to his chest, clenching his jaw so tight his face started trembling.

He had to unclench it so he could open his mouth and gasp for air because his lungs were tightening in his chest and he knew he just had to let go. He shook his head to nothing and fought it again. He would not break. He couldn’t.

But then he remembered he was all alone. Just him and his mind and... he stopped fighting for the first time in years and allowed his feelings to pour down from his eyes.

Javier clenched his jaw again as he felt the thick, years old tears pouring and pouring, clouding his sight, flooding his face.

“Fuck,” he muttered to nothing, resting his face on his hand and his arm on his knee, his chest struggling with the silent sobs he was drowning in.

Javier cried for around an hour.

He allowed himself to cry, to cry for you, because if he had allowed himself to fall in love with you and he had allowed you to wield power over him, he deserved a chance to fall apart as well.

He had earned it.

His tears of grief and pain became tears of anger and pain.

He was so angry; at himself, because, thinking again about everything you had told him, you had said something right; he had dragged you into having whatever the hell you two had. He had kissed you and practically turned your wrist into starting something with him only, and just only because he felt lonely. Because he felt like maybe, for the first time in decades, he could have something good. Because he felt like maybe it was time for him to love and be loved again when, in reality, he didn’t deserve to be loved by anyone.

He had let himself believe you could be something else, less complicated. But how wrong he was… Him? Loved? As if. Him? In Colombia? Laughable.

That country… It became more than clear how much he had lost by going down there.

He huffed again in between tears at how it took a massive hit to the heart for him to realize how much he had lost in the years he had been there.

He was so angry; at the system. The fucking system that forced you and him into taking assignments you didn’t deserve to take. There wasn’t another moment he hated more right then, than the moment he had said yes to returning to Colombia. His dad was right, he didn’t like what he found. And it truly changed him before he could change it. How he wanted to have listened to him, how he wanted to not be the stubborn ass he was and just… said no.

And you? You had taken an assignment that promised unreachable things, one that forced you into turning into a liar, one that didn’t let you be yourself.

Fuck, was he really trying to find justifications for what you did even though you had broken him in pieces?

He was so angry; at you. For lying to him and from dropping the facade, for taking off the mask that he had rushed to love, for thinking he deserved the truth instead of you leaving once everything was over. He thought it would have hurt less if you had just… disappeared.

He wouldn’t be crying at three in the morning on his bed if you had just vanished into thin air.

Javier remembered seeing the hope in your eyes when you were telling him the truth, who you really were, he saw it and he wanted to tell you he forgave you. But neither of you deserved something that good.

He was sure it all was some kind of karma. A penance for all his sins, a way too high price he had to pay for all the shit he had done.

He realized then, while sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, the same one he had shared with you for nights that felt burned into his memory, that you and him weren’t so different.

That you two had more in common than he had first thought. That you, as he had said to you before, when you were still wrapped around his arms on that same bed, were a person who was willing to do anything for a greater cause. That you as well were capable of doing anything if you thought it did good, that you also were capable of sacrifice, of losing everything as long as you were doing what you thought was the right thing.

And you had told him, as you cried your eyes out in front of him, facing him and facing and taking all the repercussions of your actions, that you really thought it was the right thing to do.

The realization was truly bittersweet. He didn’t like that even when you had broken his heart and stepped on the pieces as you walked out, he still understood why you did it.

After that despaired, miserable night, he decided he was done bringing you to the front of his mind, so he shoved all the memories of you and tried to repress them in the back of his head along with countless others he didn’t rather to address.

The next day he stepped into the office with less than half an hour of sleep he had seemed to catch while condemning himself in the solitude of his room and avoided looking at your still cluttered desk. Full of you.

He ignored Stoddard when he asked him where you were as he stepped out of the office to head to Cali an hour later and while the elevator brought him down to the lobby he tried to drown the way the mention of your fake name made him feel.

That morning you walked directly to the CIA office, every step you gave into the embassy hurt in your body, mind and soul as if each one had a dagger embedded deeply and an invisible hand was twisting each dagger deeper. You felt the weight of the world on your shoulders. You entered, unannounced, into Stechner’s office, not even trying to hide the enormous amount of pain you were going through. You were tired of hiding things.

“Ah, my favorite DEA agent,” Stechner said when he saw you walk in “well, not anymore, I guess.” he smirked and you felt his gaze linger on your body, shamelessly.

“Let’s just get this over with.” you muttered, crossing your arms on your chest.

“Oh, this is more than over, alright?” the man leaned back on his chair and reached a manila folder that rested on top of others on his desk and raised it so you could see it “resignation, what a word,” he said, putting the folder back on the desk, opening the folder and taking the sole sheet of paper on his hand “really? after you failed almost epically?” Stechner smiled humorlessly and took your resignation letter in both hands and… ripped it in half.

You drowned a gasp.

“You have a flight to Washington today at noon.” he let out softly, feigning a comprehensive tone.

“Of course I do.” you mumbled, dropping your arms to the sides, feeling your eyes flood with tears as you saw him tossing the parts of your resignation letter in the trash can.

You blinked the tears away and quietly took a deep breath, halfway achieving a fake sense of stability you had fed yourself since the night before.

What were you thinking, after everything you did they would have let you get off easy? Of course not you silly girl.

“Oh, honey, you need a hug?” Stechner asked with a teasing gaze and a fake tone of worry “I bet breaking up with Peña really did something on you, you look like a mess”

You tightened your jaw and rolled your hands into fists, Stechner noticed, and his mocking face dropped.

“Anything else?” you asked him, voice hardened, with your eyes staring right into his, admonishing him, warning him. He knew what you were capable of, you knew he did.

He shook his head twice, and you lifted your chin up.

“I really wish you the best, sweetie.” he mumbled, dropping his gaze to his desk and trying to ignore the way your face turned into a scowl at the endearment.

“No, you don’t, you fucker,” you all but growled wanting nothing more than to erase that seemingly permanent smirk off his face that grew after he raised his head to look at you “you’re happy that I’m getting out of here like this,” you chuckled bitterly “you wanted this to happen, I hope you’re satisfied.” you let out all the venom you had been keeping inside you for that man in the last sentence you spat to him.

“You’re right, but I won’t say it,” he tutted and shook his head slowly “you really cost us a lot, sweetheart,” he mumbled and you were sure you were about to spit foam from the rage inside you “I hope you know that.”

You sighed and smiled bitterly at the man. Ever so fucking disgusting. For the first time in your life, you wanted something bad to happen to someone. And you didn’t regret it.

“I won’t ever forget it.” you spat at him in a soft voice that made him glare at you with a serious face.

You turned around and walked out of his office, leaving the door open, feeling his stare on your back.

Feeling, then more than ever, the insides of your mind finishing crashing down. Finally broken. Fully broken.

You walked towards the elevator and pushed the lobby button, hoping to dissolve in the way, hoping the elevator floor would just break and the void swallowed you and your body crashed against the concrete floor of the second basement.

But instead, the doors opened on the DEA floor and Stoddard stepped inside, shooting you a concerned smile as the doors closed.

“Hi, Florencia,” he looked at you and you tried to give him a smile, knowing you failed “you okay?” he asked, you blinked a few times before looking at him. He pushed his glasses up.

“Yeah!” you let out in a squeal “just peachy.” you drifted your eyes away and sighed again.

“I… thought you were in Cali.” Stoddard let out after a few seconds, you turned to see him with your brow furrowed.

“Cali?”

“Well… yeah,” he shrugged “the boss and the guys went back to Cali this morning.”

You let out a sigh, of both relief and worry.

“Oh,” you said under your breath “no, I…” you shook your head and tried to smile at him again and failed, this time he noticed “I needed to take care of something else.”

“I see,” he mumbled, the elevator doors opened and you stepped out “you sure you’re okay?” he asked, looking at you, you nodded several times.

“Yeah, Stod,” you assured him, trying to make him believe it, not quite sure if you believed yourself “I’m fine.”

Stoddard nodded at you as the elevator doors closed and you waved him once goodbye. Knowing it would be the last time. You walked out of the embassy in complete and utter shame, and some part inside you screamed that you deserved it.

Javier rescued another witness that day, because he still wanted to do something right even though he didn’t feel right himself.

But then, after sending Guillermo Pallomari to Miami, he had to return to his office. That place he had thought was his fortress, and then it was turned into… a dungeon.

He didn’t ignore your cluttered desk this time; he was alone in the office, there was no one that could say anything of him if he just… looked around.

A steel cup filled with different colored pens and only red markers, a pile of unsigned DEA reports, in one of the drawers a block of sticky notes running low, the same ones you made notes on and stuck on files when you reviewed them and that Javier hated to see because they were just so fucking bright, your red coffee cup you used when you didn’t have time to grab some at his house because he just kept kissing you until you both were late, which didn't happen at your place because Javier always woke up before you and started the coffee machine, a gun holster you hated to use because it just never clutched the way you wanted to your jeans and a small, brown journal he had never seen before and that he took because there wasn’t anyone that could say anything of him if he just… looked around.

He hesitated for a moment to open the journal, unsure of himself or of what he would find. The first page had your initials, your real initials written on the far left corner and just a list of names he didn’t recognize, next a few scribbles and a phone number. Javier skimmed through the pages and around the middle he found his name. Written in your pretty handwriting, with a few numbers underneath that looked dangerously close to file codes.

He snapped the journal closed and left it where he found it. He shouldn’t have looked.

In his office he found all the documents you had risked so much to gather and all the intel you just handed to him, pretty much as he had handed you his heart.

Javier let out a sigh and grabbed the folders, sitting behind the desk and opening the first one.

He re-read every single piece of information until his eyes stung from the exhaustion, or the cigarette smoke, or maybe more unshed tears he was once again fighting so hard to keep inside him.

Tears of sadness, it was a given. But also anger, and frustration and pain, and, as a bucket of freezing cold water, years of regrets fell on him.

Javier had tried, had tried hard to bury all that shit in some far, deep corner of his mind, as he had tried to bury you and all his memories of the last four? five? months. He really did. But at that moment, sheltered inside an office that didn’t feel like his anymore, past midnight, alone and so damn vulnerable, it all rose to the surface and he found himself drowning inside a sea of his own mistakes and past sins.

It was unbearable to stay there. So he grabbed the files that felt like burning in his hands and took off.

And so, Javier went back to an empty apartment that even though had been his for a long time, felt emptier than it had ever felt without you and reminded him only of you.

Why had he allowed his house to become a fucking shrine to the time you had spent there?

Everytime he looked at everything, from the fucking lamp at the corner of the end table to the damn waterbottle you left the last morning you were there on his kitchen counter, an image of you invaded his mind. Like a suffocating wildfire, spreading with the simplest blow of the wind. Covering him, trapping him, burning him and turning him into ashes.

That night he drank almost all the alcohol he had left in his house and even then, with his body full of booze, his intoxicated mind all the time returned to you. To your face, to your eyes and that color that was so common yet somehow looked so unique, to your voice and how you called his name either on a whisper or on a scold, to your smile and how apparently you had one only for him, to your hands and how you used them one night to touch him and the next morning to grip a gun, to how you drove him crazy from the very beginning. Fuck, he loved you. And he hated you all the same.

You gave him your resignation letter, you had left a job you claimed you loved so much that you had taken on something that did you so much wrong. You quit because of what they made you do, and probably, just probably, he had to do the same. Because of what they did to him.

Was it worth it? Everything he did… Was it worth something? Anything?

He thought again of everything he had done in the past decade and felt sick at what his brain was showing him. It really wasn’t.

The idea of doing something good, doing something that could give him a little peace invaded his mind and he spent half the night thinking of something he could do to finally, finally feel like he was helping.

The next morning he found himself sitting in the conference room with Crosby hovering around him. He huffed at himself, sitting there as if there was nothing wrong going around, with the ambassador looking at him with his ever so present judgemental smirk, as if he wasn't just pieces of a man that put himself together with the weakest glue when he got dressed that morning with less than two hours of sleep after being trapped inside his house that smelled like you with nothing but alcohol and time to think. His pop was right, they did something to him in that country. He just didn’t know what.

“Y’know how many times I’ve gotten a call from the Department of Justice and State the same morning?” Crosby rhetored, Javier looked at him, already tired of the lecture he was about to get “count ‘em on one finger, guess we have you to thank for that.”

Javier dropped his eyes to the oak table in front of him and absentmindedly tried to draw a pattern with the tip of his finger while half listening to Crosby telling him about his meeting with the Colombian president to demand that the gentlemen of Cali stayed in jail. He looked back at his boss and after half a second of pondering he told him he had a draft indictment of the president’s ties with the cartel, omitting the part of the story where he had drafted it half drunk the night before. And of course Crosby laughed at it.

Javier huffed again at himself when Crosby suggested he kept the draft to himself and he felt his blood starting to boil. He sighed and fought the urge to stand up and leave. What was he thinking? That a man like Crosby would back up a man like him? Just like that? What a naïve thought.

“The DOJ’s not gonna topple a government, Agent Peña,” the ambassador told him, obviating the statement, Javier felt his chest turn “you can’t tell me you’re surprised by that.”

“Some part of me was holding out hope, I guess.” he muttered to Crosby, who walked around the table and stood next to him, Javier didn’t even bother to hide his face from him, god how tired he was of hiding.

“Well, you should tell that part to grow the fuck up,” Crosby spat and Javier drowned a bitter chuckle “no, I mean it, Agent Peña, you should be happy,” the ambassador said and Javier frowned at the man “you played the system like a goddamn fiddle, you won.”

Javier opened his mouth to rebut the statement but Crosby just walked behind his chair and left the room, leaving him with the word in his mouth.

He felt his stomach toss in disgust, at his boss, at his job, at himself. Fuck that.

“Yes, sir.” he mumbled under his breath.

Did he really win something? The job that helped him escape from everything, the one at some point of his life felt like a dream, had become a nightmare. The woman he grew to love, after years and years of not feeling that, barely got out of there alive and the name he had whispered in extasis wasn’t even hers. Everything he had once believed in was melting away like wax on a candle and being washed away by a sea of regret, desolation and anger.

Did he really win something when he had lost everything? He had even lost himself in the process of what he and everyone around him had called a once in a lifetime opportunity to end a War that was so familiar to him it almost sat at the table on Thanksgiving with him and his dad.

And when he got out of the conference room, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, the idea of following your steps and quit became a lot more attractive to him.

So he went back to his empty home filled with your memories, resigned that he wouldn’t sleep much that night either, and stood in the middle of the living room, not knowing why he felt like a visitor in his own house, chain smoking, thinking about everything just because he wanted to stop thinking about you.

Javier walked to his window and dwindled himself to watch the cars down the street pass, the city was so unaware of everything. The country was so unaware of how it was being torn apart by the same people that were elected to take care of it. And he was so fucking angry, at everything and everyone, at himself. And so tired. Exhausted.

The phone rang behind him and he didn’t even flinch at the sound, even when practically no one called his house phone. He just let the machine get it.

“Hi, Javi, uhm…” he stiffened in place when he heard your voice and turned his head to eye the cradle “I know you probably don’t wanna listen to me right now but…” you sounded small, your voice sounded thin, Javier turned around and walked towards the phone “uhm, I wanted to apologize again and…” he felt like he couldn’t think, his mind was filled with your voice as if it were a fog that clouded his vision, he wanted to pick the phone up, he wanted to ask you where you were and tell you to come home to him, but his brain wasn’t letting him “I–I’m in Washington and I tho–thought…” his eyes closed on themselves when he heard you sigh and choke down a sob “forget it, uhm, I just… fuck…”

Javier looked at the phone, the sound of static still there, he pondered if he should just swallow his anger and his newfound pride and just pick up.

“I think someone will contact you about this and I just wanted to let you know I–I didn’t tell them anything about... us…” he heard you chuckle softly and he just stood there, rolling his hands into fists, waiting for you to say something else, “I’m sorry, Javi, uhm… I really think I did the right thing by telling you, I’m just sorry it had to be like this…” you sniffed on the phone and Javier sighed, “I guess I also wanted, uhm, to hear your voice… shit.” he closed his eyes and grabbed the phone.

“Hello?” he said and gripped the receiver when the sound of the cut line replied to him.

Javier threw the receiver on the floor and sat on the couch, cursing at himself for his weakness and his hesitation altogether.

He rested his head on his hands while thinking on the few things you had said, if you were in Washington talking to the directives that meant they didn’t let you resign, that meant they were firing you. And you called him to let him know his involvement was minimal, because still after everything you were trying to divert the backlash from him.

God how he was tired.

That’s when he decided, he was going to do it. Not only for what you had made him feel, but because he just needed to leave back all the baggage he had been carrying with him for almost a decade. He needed to let go. He knew it, he needed to free himself of something that turned him entirely into a different person that wasn't even close to what he had been before, because no one else would do it for him.

And he had nothing else to lose. Absolutely nothing.

Once that thought occupied his mind, he finally could lay down on the couch and sleep.

The next morning Javier just re-dressed and called his journalist contact, he had decided, in his pre-sleep haze, that he was just gonna tell the truth. To everyone.

Just as you did with him, he was going to use all the information you had given to him to redeem yourself of your own baggage to get rid of some of his.

Even when he didn’t want to think of you, you were still helping him.

And the truth went out as he told it, and he let himself out of the whole situation by following your steps.

Until the ambassador called him into his office later that day and that time… Javier felt like he could tell the man absolutely anything.

He had nothing else to lose.

When he walked into the office Crosby was watching the news about his little interview. Javier walked and sat in across from him, feeling something that looked like freedom. But his mind was still reeling with guilt and loss.

“You didn’t really call the country that we’re guests in a narco democracy.” Crosby asked without asking, Javier looked at the man and shook his head once.

“Are you sayin’ that it isn’t?” he replied, looking at the ambassador tightening his jaw.

“The state department’s livid.”

Javier nodded a few times.

“Good, they’re responsible,” he let out and shrugged slightly “we all are.”

“Samper is not going anywhere.” Crosby let him know, quite exasperated. Javier dropped his eyes to the man’s desk.

“Well, at least people know the truth.” he said, including himself in the sentence. No more lies.

Javier saw Crosby shake his head and study the four walls that surrounded them, and he caught himself wanting to read him like you would be able to.

“I want you gone, Peña,” the ambassador told him, Javier guessed so “so do the colombians.”

“I understand, sir.” Javier replied and Crosby said nothing else. He looked at the ambassador for a few seconds and saw also a shell of a man. He guesses that it wasn’t so much the job that took a person’s humanity, but the context in which they do it.

He stood up and walked towards the door.

“You know…” Crosby called, Javier turned around “any aspirations you had for your career just got dragged behind the barn and shot.”

Javier licked his lower lip and allowed himself to look intently at the ambassador, the man looked at him with something he thought was pity.

“I resigned from the DEA this morning.”

Crosby stood up straighter when he heard it, Javier said it almost solemnly, and saying it out loud not only made it more real, but it really made him feel light as a feather for the first time since he was a teenager when he walked out of the ambassador’s office for the last time in his life.

←previous // next→

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @absurdthirst @alliterative-albatross @disgruntledspacedad @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #javier peña fic #narcos #narcos netflix #narcos fanfic #narcos fanfiction #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

179 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 20

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.3k

Chapter warnings: more feelings, the whole truth, brief mention of drugs, a lot of tears lmao

A/N: This chapter is set after season three, episode nine. // I AM SO FUCKING SORRY in advance, i think this and the next 2 are gonna be heavy for me and you so... yeah, WE ARE ALMOST DONE GUYS KEEP YOUR CHINS UP THIS IS GONNA END WELL!!!!

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gif: @bestintheparsec

If Javier hadn’t seen you cry like you were crying in front of him, he would have thought it was a joke.

A bad, sick, horrible joke.

But there you were, shaking and crying and bracing yourself and standing in front of him telling him you knew things he didn’t know and your name wasn’t your name and he wasn’t even your boss as if he not only needed to know he was being used but he deserved it. As if he could avoid to think everything you had told him before wasn’t a complete lie. Bullshit.

He stood up straight and took his eyes off you. He couldn’t bear to look at you shaking like a small puppy trapped in the cold rain, he couldn’t bear to look at you like that because he was fighting with himself and the need to rush and hold you and tell you everything was going to be fine when he knew and you knew and he knew you knew nothing would be the same. As if he wasn’t angry, furious, infuriated.

You let out a sob, because you knew he was about to avoid looking at you at all costs.

“Well,” Javier let out, “I’m sorry if I don’t say it’s nice to meet you,” and then he laughed bitterly, shaking his head, “who the fuck are you?” his face quirked in something you, between tears, could recognize as anger and pain.

“I–” you mumbled, but he cut you off.

“I’m giving you one chance to explain everything to me,” he hardened his voice and you couldn’t seem to stop yourself from crying, he lifted a finger in front you, “just one, take it,”

“Javier,” you whispered, and he shook his head.

“Are you even DEA?” he scoffed and crossed his arms on his chest, “since you knew things I didn’t and your name isn’t your name, are you even an agent?” you only got to nod “so why,” he breathed in before continuing “why are there CIA reports with your signature?” he turned with a scowl on his face and with one hand he skimmed through all the pages on that file, “you kept tabs on me,” he said, purposefully not looking at you “fuck,” he tapped several times on the last one “you did fool me.”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” you sighed out, it was really hard for you to breathe.

“What wasn’t supposed to happen?” he chewed out “you telling me? or you with me? or you in my bed? or me fucking you? what?”

“Stop,” you pleaded, not having the energy anymore to chase his eyes “let me explain,”

“No,” he shook his head and flared his nose in anger “you’re not worth listening to, get out,”

“At least let me tell you the truth,” you pleaded again.

��I have it here!” he smacked his hand on the files and you jumped out, startled at the way he raised his voice out of the sudden.

But you didn’t blame him, you only blamed yourself, but that self-preservation instinct inside of you was forcing you to keep on pushing him to listen to you and your reasons. It was forcing you to keep pushing him, even when you knew he was already at his limit.

“Please, let me explain everything,” you pleaded again. Javier shook his head and fought himself harder to stop from looking at you and reach for you and hold you because you just sounded so broken. But you were breaking him.

“Get out,” he whispered, half a plea and half a demand, you shook your head.

“Read them,” you sniffed and cleared your throat “read the last few reports, please,” you were hating how much you were shaking and he glanced at you for less than a second, and you cried at how short it felt. Javier took you in with that glance and as if it wasn’t enough, his chest tugged at the sight of your puffy eyes and the tears that dampened your cheeks. He indulged and skimmed through them “see how they get shorter? see how they get briefer? how they get–”

“Shittier? he cut you off “so you did a bad job, what about it?”

You bit your lip and breathed in and out twice.

“That was the point!” you let out, “fuck, Javier,” you finally found your voice inside your chest and you went off “I’ve been wanting to tell you everything for the longest fucking time, I just couldn’t, I swear I wanted to tell you ever–”

“Since when,” he cut you off again. You looked at him and tried to get him to look at you but he didn't.

“There were so many nights where I just wanted to tell you everything, but it just wasn’t safe for either of us! I swear I did planned to te–”

“Since when?” Javier raised his voice again and you sighed.

You closed your eyes for a few seconds, feeling more tears sliding down your cheeks.

Javier allowed himself to glance at you in those few seconds that you closed your yes, and tightened his jaw. How the fuck he had allowed all that shit to happen? He had asked you a question he wasn’t sure if he wanted the answer off, but then you opened your eyes and he painfully unglued his gaze from you.

“Since the first time you kissed me,” you muttered out. Javier shook his head several times and turned around to stop seeing you.

“Get out,” he pointed to the door.

“Javier, please,” your voice broke again and you saw his shoulders raise and drop several times.

“I don’t want to listen to you,” his voice was low and deep and hurt and you bit your lip again to stop your sobs from coming out. You threw your head back and looked at the ceiling, fisting and releasing your hands at the impotence you felt because he just didn’t want to listen to you.

And you knew this would happen, you knew it. How could you’ve been so stupid to think that if you explained everything to Javier, he would just take it as the historical truth and just… forgive you? How could you’ve been such an idiot to believe so little of him?

Since the first time you had seen him you knew he was a man of straights and grays, you knew he hated lies; you knew he hated liars. Hell, he hated himself for being one. But somehow, deep in your chest, in your… heart, you thought, you imagined, you hoped he would make an exception for you.

But he wasn’t, not for you, not for anybody, not even for himself.

He just wasn’t.

Javier closed his eyes once he had you out of his sight, he had so much in his head, the thoughts were pouring down like the restless stream of an overflowing river cascading to a bottomless drowning lake; so much to think about, so much to say, but nothing was coming out.

He was hurt, he recognized that one emotion. Pure, deep, raw hurt, he could feel it burning his insides and turning his guts into ashes. Fuck. He didn’t like the pain, he had spent years and years of his life running away from the pain. How could he had been so stupid to allow himself to get to that point? How could he had been such a fucking idiot to let you do that to him? How? When he had become an expert at running away from his own emotions? Why?

He brushed a hand through his hair and tried to regain his composure, but it was nearly impossible. The pain inside him started to feel physical, it was as if someone had shot him directly on the chest over his kevlar; the air knocked out of his lungs. He was struggling to breathe properly. He was about to burst.

He felt a foreign sting inside his throat that he knew exactly what meant. He wasn’t about to cry. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of showing you how much he cared.

Even if you already knew.

“Javier,” you called him.

“Get out,”

“I will, I promise I’ll go,” you sobbed out and Javier felt disgusted by himself for being so weak at the sound of your sobs, he rolled his hands into fists and forced his body to stay put in place “I just want you to understand why I did it.” Javier rolled his eyes and raised a hand to press his eyes shut.

“Get the fuck out, please just get out,” his voice sounded like a plea and a beg and a demand altogether and you snapped at the way he was just trying to escape from an explanation that you were more than willing to give him. An explanation he deserved.

“No!” you raised your own voice, “you dragged me into this! now you have to listen to me!” you accused. Javier turned around, his face quirked in confusion and bewilderment and pain and anger.

“Me?” he raised his voice as well, his finger landing on his chest several times “I dragged you into this? you’re not a child! you made a choice!” he let out, shaking his head.

“I tried to grab onto any excuse to not start this, Javier, you know that!” you reminded him, and he let his hands rest on his waist “Javier, it was never my intention to hurt you.”

Javier barked out a laugh.

A stinging, humourless, deep hurting laugh that landed inside the crevices of your chest and hung from every nerve of your being.

“Well, I’m hurt,” he said, finally facing you “you lied to me,” his face was a mess of emotions you couldn’t read “you lied to me on my fucking face.” he gritted out, walking towards you.

“I know, and I’m sorry” you said under your breath, his face was inches away from yours and he frowned and shook his head. You closed your eyes because out of the sudden his cologne invaded your nostrils and you cried harder at the thought of never getting to smell him again.

“And you know what’s even worse?” he rhetored, you opened your eyes and quickly his eyes were on yours, but that time, his brown, soft eyes were hardened, as if fossils had taken over his orbs and his face was a mean scowl and his hands were so far away from your body rolled into fists that it ached deep in your chest how much you were hurting him, “that I fell for it, for all of it, and I fell for you.”

Javier didn’t seem to realize what he had said, but you did and as he put distance between him and you, your eyes filled with thick tears once again, and you didn’t try to stop them from falling and falling and falling.

He fell. He fell for you.

How? How could you let everything go to that point? You knew you knew it, you fool.

Crash, crash, crash, crash.

Ugly, messy, bloody, heart wrenching.

“Was it worth it?” he asked, putting his hands on his waist once again, looking at you, expectant. You shook your head. “then why did you do it?”

His eyes on you were heavy, you remembered that time he looked at you in a crowded elevator and made you forget everything about yourself, and that time you wondered if he was ever going to look at you like that. And there, with him expecting the explanation you were offering, you had your answer.

And you saw him, standing before you, hands on hips, his thinking stance, waiting for you to finally deliver the so-called explanation you wanted and pleaded to give him. But your throat was closed, your voice was nowhere to be found, and you wanted to crawl into a ball and just rock yourself to a deep, all-forgetting sleep.

God, you were so tired.

It took you an entire minute to find your voice from the deep confines of your voided, pained chest.

“Re–remember what I told you the first time we mad–the first time we were… together?” you sobbed out. He closed his eyes and nodded.

How he could fucking forget? It had elated him, that entire fucking day, everything seemed so hopeful, he remembered thinking that he didn’t want to do what he did to you with anyone else. Before you could continue, he allowed himself to grieve that moment and you saw him raise a hand to his chest.

“That was true, most of it,” you assured him. Javier didn’t look at you once he opened his eyes and you, yet again, tried to search for his eyes. Fuck the hour you had let them become your comfort. “after what happened in México, I did get suspended and, fuck,” you brushed away your tears, freeing the way for new ones to fall “I really liked this job,” you chuckled sorely to yourself “but the drugs, and… everything else, I just knew I was screwed,” you sniffed. Javier bit the inside of his cheek and sighed.

Yet another fucking thing you two were more than alike.

He was hating it, loathing it; the way he wanted to brush every single goddamned tear that was falling down your face, the way he just wanted to reach to you, to let you feel him, the way he fucking needed to touch you and then wake up for whatever new fucking nightmare he was having.

“I was marked,” you choked down another sob and sniffed again, you hated being this vulnerable, this exposed, you were dropping your mask and the process of peeling it was so wretchedly painful. You hated that your vision was so flooded with tears you weren’t able to read Javier and just get a glance, a tiny peak at what he was feeling, “marked not only for being a woman, but by every single shitty thing I did up there,” he sighed “so, the CIA approached me, and took advantage of my situation.”

Javier wanted to scream, wanted to punch something, break anything, he wanted so much to stop relating to you and your reasons. It was as if he was looking at himself in the mirror and he didn’t like it. It was as if some all mighty God had already realized what he had done in the past and just started to punish him. And he was so angry that you were that punishment, that you, of all things, of everything he thought good, were the one chosen to deliver his punishment.

You, oh so perfect you, so beautiful, so smart, so good, so strong you. You were the one chosen to break him. He wanted to stop seeing the undeniable parallel between you and him being forced to do things by the pure nature of your jobs, by leverage and advantage and just be angry, he just wanted to feel his anger and allow himself to hate you, but he just couldn’t. Not when you were there, standing in front of him, bawling out everything for him, undressing yourself to him, yet again, passing him the control of things. Ironic. He thought, he always had the impression he already had it.

“A precarious situation,” you explained, wetting your lips and taking a deep breath “they assured my job back if I took a six-month assignment for them, they wanted me to ke–”

“Keep an eye on me,” Javier cut you, looking at you with hardened, glistening eyes. You had to drop your gaze to the floor. What the fuck were you doing to him?

Fool, you fool, you stupid, horrible fool. Don’t you see you’re hurting him? Just leave him alone!

“Yeah,” you sighed out, sniffing again, seeing how your tears dropped straight to the floor, “and report all your movements back to them to… shit.”

“To what?”

You shook your head, not being able to lift your gaze from the floor, Javier looked at you and studied what he thought he knew about you. Which at that point he thought it was nothing but your actual name and the way your body quirked and spasmed under his touch. But maybe that was fake too. He saw the way you were hunched under yourself and an amazing yet brief moment of clarity struck him and he knew what you were going to say, fuck he knew, and he let himself smile at the expectation of your answer. For once having a little bit of a leverage.

“To avoid another Los Pepes scenario.” you whispered.

He laughed bitterly. And your chest shrunk at the sound.

Of fucking course.

That’s how you knew, that why you asked him about that the same fucking day you had told him about why you were in Colombia, the day you lied to him, to his face, on his bed, in his arms, after he had let you fuck him, after he had devoured you for the first time

Fucking shit, how he wanted to scream.

His smile became a snarl as soon as the memory of your body pressed against his came back to his head.

“Fuck me,” he shook his head and tightened his jaw.

“I didn’t understand at first why they looked at you like such a menace,” you said, not daring to look at him, and Javier hated it, he hated how you had hung your head low and looked at the carpeted floor, he hated it because he had seen you in your most confident self so many times, he had engraved in his mind the way you would handle yourself as if you were the owner of every building you ever stepped on, but then? right there? you just looked like a selfless child, like a hurt, abandoned girl. Fuck him. How could he keep thinking about you like that when while you looked like it you were destroying everything he had ever thought of you and whatever the fuck it was you two had? “then I met you.”

“So I’m a menace?” he snarked.

“For people like them? of course you are, Javier,” you let out a sigh and shook your head “they painted you as this… monster, that didn’t care about anything but getting shit done in any way you could,” you shrugged and lifted your head to look at him “but you do care, you care a lot.”

He didn’t say anything at the last statement you blurted out.

A thick, foggy silence fell upon you, you could feel it prickling around your face, eating your tears, you were sure that if you pulled out your tongue you could taste it, you could feel it, sneaking inside your ears and screaming at you. You never thought a silence could be so loud. But it was, a deafening silence.

Javier turned and walked to the desk, sitting on the edge and skimming through the other files that you had handed him, some of them were just more information about the corrupt politicians and some more about the cartel in itself. He didn’t say a word about the obvious and illicit origin of the files and for that you were grateful.

“I really thought,” your voice broke the silence again, and he seemed to ignore you “I thought I was doing good,” you closed your eyes, he wasn’t looking at you, yet again, “and then I got to see how things really were down here and… I knew instantly everything was just bullshit, just a fucking game,” Javier kept looking at the files and reading them and you wanted to beg him to look at you, you wanted to rush at him and grab his face and make him look at you in the eyes and tell you something, anything, to yell at you, to scream at you, because at the way his silence felt you were sure his screams would hurt less, “they played you, and they played me, and… I’m sorry.”

“Why a DEA agent?” he questioned, closing the file he had just finished reading his hand resting on his thigh and the other on his hip, you frowned “why did they send down someone from the DEA instead of one of their own spies?”

You bit your lip, looking at the way his eyes were empty, void of any display of emotion, looking at the way he turned his face sterner, just as it was the first day you’d met him.

“Uh–because it was cheaper, to just create some sub-identity and I already knew the protocols.” you explained slowly, more for it to sink in to you than to him.

Javier hummed and returned his eyes to the next file, the one with your file. The real one.

You stood there while he read it. Trying to figure out what was going through his head, but as you were so emotionally spent you really couldn’t for the life of you read him anymore.

Javier felt his breath hitch as he read your real name, where you went to school, the fact that you had a master and the amount of time you had spent in México.

And then he chuckled. Under the name of your DEA adjacent’s name and your assigned partner there was your callsign: Flor.

He rubbed his eyes with his thumb and pointer and took a deep breath.

“What about your partner?” he cleared his throat “the one that sent you all that intel.”

Your chest dropped again and you felt your eyes fill with tears. Pure guilt and sadness.

“No one in México knew I got suspended, they just thought I got transferred, y’know?” you brushed the few tears that escaped your eyes “so I really did ask them for help, to give us anything on the narcos as we were aware of the connection,” Javier then saw you cover your mouth and sob “I fucking got Marcos fired.” your voice was muffled by your mouth and Javier had to, once again, fight the urge to grab you and pull you flush against his chest and comfort you.

“What else did you lie about?” he asked, not waiting for your sobs to die down, you shook your head.

“No–nothing, I sw–swear,” you sobbed out.

“Okay,” Javier stood from the desk and walked towards you. And for a second, a brief second, you allowed yourself to imagine that he wasn’t going to ask you what he did, and instead, he would brush your tears away, hold you or tell you that he forgave you. What a stupid little thought. “I think we’re done here.”

“Javi,” you called him and he flinched at how high pitched your voice became from the sobbing, he wasn’t looking at you, not really. His eyes were looking past you, “can you look at me?” you begged.

Fuck the hour you had let his eyes become your comfort.

“Get out,” he said, serious faced, lookin at nothing and everything but you.

“Jus–just, look at me? please?”

Javier closed his eyes, bit his lip and shook his head.

And pointed at the door.

“Right,” you tried to control the incoming sobs that were inundating your chest and throat and stood up straight, lining your shoulders and closing your eyes at how hard it was to leave, it was as if you had him glued to you and then you had to peel him off you, you looked at him one last time before turning around and walking towards the door, grabbing your bag in the way.

You didn’t even reach the door to the hallway when you exploded; you had to cover your mouth as you turned away from the entrance and propped yourself on the wall.

You felt like your heart might have actually stopped and you could only imagine how Javier felt.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you mumbled out, as if he had been still in front of you, as if he could listen.

You had to force yourself to walk into the open elevator and press the lobby button, because you knew that if you didn’t, you would’ve run back to his office and begged Javier to hold you, beg him to forgive you, even when you knew you didn’t deserve it.

Javier saw you walk out and watched your figure shrink at the office door, he had to close his eyes to stop from seeing the way you broke after everything you had told him. He had to turn around and grip the edge of the desk to physically stop himself from running to you, anchor himself to you and tell you he needed you.

Fuck the hour he had let your body become his comfort.

Once he was sure you weren’t there anymore, he opened his eyes, the files you had handed him were in front of him, one last file left to open.

Reluctantly, he took it and opened it.

“Shit,” he whispered. Feeling his breath hitch and his heart stop beating for half a second.

It was your resignation letter.

Just then, and only then, Javier let himself drown in his pain.

“Shit,” he spat through gritted teeth.

God how he wanted to hate you, he really wanted to hate you. But he couldn’t bring himself to turn all the love he had for you into hate. He couldn’t even when he really wanted to.

The guard at the front door didn’t even glance at you when you walked through the embassy doors, and for that you were grateful. When you realized you had driven with Javier to work, you had to cover your mouth again to muffle another sob.

You weren’t even outside the building yet and you were already missing him like crazy.

←previous // next→

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #narcos fanfiction #narcos netflix #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

182 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Formalities and Introductions (a RushBit one shot)

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: It's mother's day and you get to meet Javier's mom.

Word count: +2k

Chapter warnings: mentions of death and dead people and nostalgia.

A/N: This is canon RushBit after the main story, it will make sense once we throw ourselves into it. I just wanted to commemorate Mother's Day with this.

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

May 9th, 1996.

You turned on the driveway and pulled over; when you turned off the car and grabbed your bag from the co-pilot’s seat, you felt your smile creep up on your face again and you tried to hide it, unsuccessfully.

You got out of the car and immediately the big black ball of hair that was Pepe ran out of Chucho’s house and you crouched to greet the old pup.

“Hi, good boy,” you cooed to him as his large tail formed whiplashes around the space “where are our men?” you asked him, standing up. The dog huffed and turned around to walk back to Chucho’s house.

You followed him and walked in. The first thing that welcomed you was the stern voices of two men arguing in spanish. You walked behind Pepe into the kitchen and crossed your arms over your chest, leaning against the arch frame of the entrance, neither of them seemed to notice you.

“No, viejo terco, no,” (stubborn old man) Javier chastised from the chair he was sitting on, his back to you, as Chucho chopped something on the counter, his back to Javier.

“Is that the way to talk to your dad?” you asked out loud, Javier seemed to wince and turned around to see you.

“It’s my dad,” he replied, Chucho chuckled, turning around to wink at you and to clean his hands with the kitchen towel hanging on his shoulder “I talk to him how I want to.”

“No, you don’t, shut up.” you teased, Javier smirked and took the can of beer that was resting on the table in front of him and took a gulp. Chucho sat next to him as you left your bag on the opposite chair.

“How’d it go?” Javier asked, watching you walk to the fridge and take out the water jug and make your quick way to the dish rack for a glass.

“I hate the DMV,” you mumbled, pouring the water on the glass and placing it in front of Javier, along with a kiss on his temple, “I got yelled by a lady trying to cut in line,” you chuckled and Chucho followed, you left the jug on the table and took the beer can from Javier’s hand, “but I got it.”

“Hey that’s mine,” Javier frowned as you walked to the sink and left the can there, “show it to me.”

“Was, drink your water,” you said, Chucho chuckled again and shook his head when Javier let out a huff, he knew better than to say something at that point, he knew how much you cared about Javier, “I even got surprised, I don’t look half bad in the photo.” you raised your eyebrows as you walked to the chair, took your bag and rummaged around it, finding the small plastic rectangle and handing it to Javier when you sat down.

“Half bad? you look gorgeous.” Javier mumbled, Chucho leaned to the side and Javier handed it to him.

“You do, Florecita.” Chucho said, smiling at you.

“Well thank you,” you smiled back at him, “with that driver’s license I’m officially a citizen of Texas.” you rolled your eyes and Javier frowned in feigned hurt.

“What’s wrong with Texas?” he said as you took the license from Chucho’s hand.

“I’m not saying there’s something wrong with it.” you shrugged, taking the water glass you had put in front of him and taking a sip of the cold water.

“You’re suggesting it.” he narrowed his eyes with that shit-eating grin of his.

“I’m not! what do you care? you hate Texas.” you rolled your eyes again and Javier faked a gasp.

“I don’t hate it, I’m just not fond of it.” he let out, taking out a laugh out of you. Chucho muttered something along the lines of chamacos locos (crazy kids) and stood up to resume his chopping.

“And yet you’re making me live here,” you chuckled out and Javier just shrugged, “what are you cooking, suegro?” you asked, and Javier took the glass from your hand to drink out of it.

“Meatloaf,” Chucho replied “Javi, remember to pick up the flowers in the morning.” he said without turning.

“Yeah.”

“What flowers?” you asked Javier.

“Tomorrow’s mother’s day.” he let out, moving on the chair to face you better.

“I thought it was this sunday,” you narrowed your eyes until your brain remembered that the holiday was celebrated on the tenth in México, “oh shit.”

“Oh shit indeed,” Javier teased, knowing you just had to remember it, his hand snaked on the table to take yours “we’re gonna go see mom,” he muttered “wanna come?”

Javier felt a bit nervous asking you that; to go with him and his dad to the cemetery and look at a tombstone he hadn’t seen for a long time.

He didn’t talk about his mom often, because it all reminded him of the last time he saw her and the image of his smiling mother tortured him more than do him any good; he spent a long time of his adult years wondering if the choices he was making would disappoint the woman that had birthed him and wrapped him in so much love since the first minute he was on earth; he spent most of his life thinking what would his mother say if she found out what he was doing or why. And he still needed to work on restoring the memory of his mother in his mind, because she would smack him on the nape if she knew he avoided talking about her at all.

He saw your eyes, wrapped in that warm kindness that had settled in them since you had moved in with him and decided to stay by his side; he knew you wouldn’t say no, but he still had to ask.

“Sure, you don’t have to ask me.” you said, Javier nodded and gave you a tight lip smile and turned to his dad.

“You need help, pop?”

“No.”

Javier padded inside the room when you got out of the ensuite, towel drying your hair, he walked around the bed, sat on the edge of the edge of his side, his back to you, and picked up the book you two were reading before falling asleep.

“You ok?” you asked him, he hummed in affirmation while looking around the nightstand, “you sure?” you asked him again, he turned his face to look at you and saw you with your eyes narrowed as you threw the towel in the hamper.

“I’m fine.” he said, following you as you walked to the dresser and picked up his glasses, you shook your head slowly and sat next to him, handing the glasses to him.

“Liar, liar.”

He scoffed when you stood up and walked around to your side; he stood up as well, and you began that half put together routine you had before bed; pulling down the covers, throwing some pillows on the bed’s end bench and climbing on the bed to snuggle together right in the middle of the mattress.

“Do I have to ask you again?” you muttered, resting your head on his shoulder as he picked up the book. He sighed and shuffled to face you.

“I haven’t been to her grave since I left.” he mumbled.

“I don’t think she judges you for it.” you let out, he chuckled humorlessly.

“You didn’t know her,” he said, “she does.”

“I don’t know her because you won’t talk to me about her,” you whispered and Javier sighed again, you turned your head to face him, he was already looking at you. “I understand it’s hard, but I’d like to know about her.”

Javier looked at you without saying a thing for a few seconds. His hand reached to your cheek and he nodded a few times.

“Ask away.” he whispered, you gave him a smile that he could only classify as the smile of a curious child and it made his chest turn around with love.

May 10th, 1996.

The bouquet was heavy, but you insisted on carrying it yourself, the smell of the pink carnations invaded your nostrils as Javier’s hand gripped yours in that entangled mess that was your fingers when you held hands.

“Por acá.” Chucho said, he was guiding you both through the narrow dirt paths of the Laredo’s Cemetery, Javier was helping you not step on any graves out of respect, he had said.

“I’m nervous,” you mumbled, Javier snorted “I’m about to meet your mom, I’m nervous.”

Javier let out a nostalgic chuckle.

“You met her last night.” he reminded, you smiled, remembering him abandoning the book when you started asking what you wanted to know about his mom; where was she born, when, where she grew up, how did she like to be called, her favorite kind of music, how she used to call him when he was a kid; all the things you didn’t know.

The ones you did, Javier was not the one to tell them to you, it was Chucho; your non-father in law loved when you were in a curious mood because you nagged him until you got responses, and from him you had learned her name, how did they meet, when they got married and how did she die.

But you were eager to learn Javier’s perspective about his mom, because Chucho spoke about her with all the love and devotion of a husband, a man that knew her soul and her body; but Javier knew her kindness and her protective side.

And you loved every bit of her he handed you, it made her more real and it was as if you knew her too. Or at least part of her.

“So carnations were her favorites?” you asked him in a low voice, Chucho turning right on another path.

“Yeah, those and jacarandas,” he replied with a smile, you turned to see him and smiled at him “but those don’t grow here.”

“Isn’t Guadalajara filled with those trees?” you asked, almost in a rethory, remembering the brief time you spent in that city and seeing the streets filled with purple little flowers, Javier nodded.

“I saw some of those in Colombia too, most of them in Medellín,” he mumbled, gripping your hand tighter absentmindedly, it was still hard for both of you to talk about Colombia, but it was harder for him “reminded me of her.”

Chucho stopped in front of a white tombstone, on each side there were two stone vases with some half-dead flowers on them and he took his hat off, you looked at Javier and he breathed in heavily, you handed him the bouquet and he gave you half a smile.

“Hola, mi amor.” Chucho let out, “happy mother’s day” his usual stern tone faded and you felt a tight knot in the middle of your chest and bit your lip.

“Here, pop,” Javier undid the bouquet and gave him half the carnations, “hola, mami,” he whispered to it and you just saw them moving silently around the grave, you stood there, in front of the gravestone.

Margarita García de Peña. Beloved wife and mother. 1926 - 1967

The two men in front of you took out the dead flowers and put the carnations in the vases, Chucho stood there, a hand on the cold stone and started whispering to it.

Javier walked to you and you opened your arm for him to settle around.

“She was so young.” you said, he nodded.

“She had me young.” he mumbled, you rested your head on his shoulder.

“Gracias.” you whispered. He looked at you with half a frown and saw you looking at the grave.

Javier huffed and shook his head with a soft smile adorning his face; he tugged you to him and wrapped you inside his arms, you put your arms around his waist and Javier kissed your temple.

“She would’ve loved you.” he murmured on your skin.

“She loved you.” you said, making him hug you tighter.

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

let me know if you wanna be removed :)

137 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Past Grievances & Turning Points (a RushBit mini-series) part 1

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: You just moved with Javier, but you can't live your life wearing his clothes, so the two of you start a road trip to your house in Albuquerque in which you take the time to tell him everything he still needed to know about you.

Word count: +4k

Chapter warnings: mentions of violence

A/N: This is canon RushBit after the main story; i had such a hard time getting into this for some reason, but finally here we are, im so excited for this side of the story, really <3

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓

gif: @fuckyeahjavierpena

“Javier,” you whispered in his ear again, he shifted slightly and let out a sigh when you ran your hand through his hair “Javi, baby,” you called, he hummed in response and you smiled “breakfast’s ready.”

Javier let out another unintelligible hum and your smile widened, you left a kiss on his cheek and left him there to wake up if he had gotten or not the message; you walked out of the room, made sure to let the door ajar so at least some of the smell of the food you and Chucho had made together woke him up fully and made your way back to the kitchen.

“Still asleep?” Chucho asked when he saw you walk into the kitchen, he was already sitting and eating, Pepe sitting next to him whining for a bite, you nodded and sat next to him.

“He has a lot to make up for.” you teased, Chucho grunted a smile while you poured maple syrup on your pancakes.

“At least he doesn’t get those nightmares anymore, Florecita,” he said, cutting a piece of his sausage and dropping it to the floor for Pepe to eat “ya, ten, perro necio.” (cut it, here, stubborn dog)

“Lucky him.” you muttered with a piece of pancake inside your mouth.

“Is that another of my shirts?” you heard from one side as you cut another piece of pancake, you lifted your head to look at Javier, still rubbing sleep off his eyes as he walked inside the kitchen.

“Yeah,” you replied, Chucho asked for the syrup in a mutter that you had learned to identify in the two weeks you’d been living with them, “why?” you asked, handing the bottle to him.

Javier sat next to you with his plate in one hand and a coffee cup in the other, you looked at Pepe, that sat between you, looking at Javier.

“Just asking.” he said, shrugging as he blew slightly to his coffee.

“I need clothes.” you commented, stretching over your plate to reach for a napkin, Chucho called Pepe to give him another piece of sausage.

“We can go buy some later.” Javier replied with another shrug, you frowned with a slight smile on your face.

“Why? I have my stuff,” you told him, Javier looked at his dad pet Pepe and rolled his eyes, not having really listened to what you said “Javi, I need to go back to Albuquerque.”

“What?” he almost choked on the sip of coffee he was drinking, his brow furrowed. You raised your eyebrows “why? what happened?” he asked.

You looked at Chucho with your mouth slightly agape and a flabbergasted smile on it, the old man looked at you, shrugged and kept on eating.

“My things, Javier,” you enunciated, “I gotta pick up my stuff if I’m gonna live here, I can’t live dressed in your clothes.” Javier relaxed visibly.

“You look good in my clothes,” he leaned back on the chair with a small smirk on his mouth, you threw him your balled napkin and he chuckled, “fine then, when do you wanna leave?”

“First thing tomorrow.” you replied, sipping from your own cup of coffee.

“A’right, we leave tomorrow.” Javier leaned forward and picked up his fork.

“Wait, you're coming with me?” you asked him, Javier didn’t look at you, he cut a piece of sausage. Pepe huffed at the smell.

“Who’s gonna help you pack?”

You yawned again as you carried your small bag on your shoulder; you shivered slightly when you walked out of the house to put the bag inside the truck because of your dampened hair making contact with the chilly morning air.

You looked up at the early morning dark sky and closed your eyes as you breathed in the sweet smell of the night dew resting on the little patches of grass around the house; there was something about the few late nights and early mornings you had spent with Javier there, something you hadn’t given yourself the time to put into words or expressing to him. Something that made you feel like you belonged there, like that was your space in the world, in that ranch with the man you loved, his dad, a big dog and the mooing of the cows that could be heard once in a while. You fit there.

You heard Javier’s heavy steps as he walked out of the house and you turned around to look at him as he closed the door.

“Could you make more noise, honey?” you teased with a low voice, Javier rolled his eyes at you and you looked at the boots he was wearing, you shook your head and smiled at him as he walked towards you.

“All ready?” he asked, resting his hands on your waist, gently tugging you against him, you smiled and nodded, “good,” Javier leaned to leave a soft kiss on your lips; your breath hitched at the deepness of that soft kiss, when he broke the contact to look at you, you let out a heavy sigh that made him smile. “I’ll drive.” he whispered, and you nodded again in response.

Javier slid his hands away from you and you bit your lip once he turned to walk around the truck and get inside; you did the same, buckled your seatbelt and shifted on the seat to look at him as he turned on the ignition; you scoffed as he backed the truck slowly through the driveway, wondering if he would be able to endure the thirteen hour drive.

“What’s so funny?” he asked with half a smile, reaching for the seatbelt on his left side, you shook your head and he narrowed his eyes at you.

“You look good today.” you muttered, leaning forward to turn on the radio, Javier let out a chuckle and gripped the steering wheel. A song you didn’t know but was sung in spanish started on the radio and you folded your arms on your chest.

“We’re using the two-eighty-five?” he asked as he turned on the main street, you hummed in response “and then where, we go through El Paso?” you turned to look at him.

“El Paso? no way, that’s extra forty-five minutes,” you huffed “we keep on the two-eighty-five basically until it ends,” Javier groaned “then we turn on the route sixty-six and we’re basically there, the house is on the outskirts.”

“You’re helping me drive, right?” he teased, you laughed.

“Of course, you big baby.” you replied with a smile on your face, Javier scoffed and kept driving with one hand, dropping the other softly on your thigh.

“I was thinking,” he let out as he turned again on the main highway to leave Laredo, you hummed in response as you unfolded your arms, lowered the voice of the radio and took his hand with yours, admiring the little wrinkles of his knuckles, “if we’re gonna live together, we should build our house.”

“What?!” you almost shrieked, Javier let out a chuckle.

“Well, you didn’t think we were gonna live with my dad forever, did you?” he glanced at you.

“Well…” he gripped your hand tightly and you reciprocated the grip, the thought made you nervous; it was another step, that, although it was very obvious, it also seemed enormous in comparison to what it had been happening since you arrived at Laredo “I guess you’re right.”

“You sure?” Javier asked, having turned again to start driving through the highway, he looked at you for a few seconds before looking back at the road.

You wanted to nod, you wanted to say yes and unbuckle your seatbelt and shift on the bench seat and kiss his cheek until your lips were numb; but at the same time the thought of a physical representation of your permanent stay there frightened you. Not too long ago Javier had told you he wasn’t sure about feeling resentment in the future. He had told you he didn’t know if some day he would wake up and decide he hated you.

Javier looked at you again and tightened the already tight grip on your hand; he was the man you were leaving everything for; your body and your heart and your instinct were telling you to leap and jump onto whatever he wanted to do with you, onto whichever plan he had already made in his head, into the brick castle he was building on a cloud.

But your mind, that one was betraying the very sentiment that had driven you to Laredo in the first place; it didn’t know. It wasn’t sure.

“I mean…” you muttered, Javier said nothing, waiting, expecting, “yeah.” you let out, your eyes glued to the windshield and to the early morning sky, still dark, purple with the reflection of the sun slowly arriving.

“Amor, you don’t sound very convinced.” Javier chuckled out almost nervously, glancing at you once again. He wanted to stop the truck, he wanted to pull over and turn off the ignition and turn fully to you and ask you what was going on; he wanted to study your face and hold you close to him until you mouthed and voiced what was going on inside that head of yours. He hated not knowing what you were thinking.

“I think I’m just nervous,” you said, lifting the entanglement that was your fingers around his and kissing his knuckles softly. You didn’t want to overthink it; you had made a decision, you had decided to stay with him for as long as he had you. And, if he was planning on building a house and building a life, it felt like he was thinking about something permanent. “have you thought where?”

Javier let out a short sigh and decided to not ask about your thoughts anymore; he knew you would say you were fine because it was your default response. So he decided to go in the direction you were leading.

“Right there in the ranch,” he muttered; you smiled at him, Javier looked at you briefly and recognized that smile as one of disbelief, “I’m serious, there's a piece of field on the opposite side of the paddocks, we can build there.” he said, shrugging.

“Chucho’s gonna let us do that?” you asked him, Javier slid off his hand of your grip to scratch his jaw and nodded.

“He’s the one who offered the land.” he replied, you covered your mouth with both hands and frowned; your throat closed at the thought of him having that very same conversation with his father and Chucho just offering his own property for you and him.

“You talked to him about it?” you asked him, your voice slightly muffled by your own hands, Javier huffed and nodded with a smirk on his face.

“Why you’re not buying what I say?” his smile widened, you shifted on the seat as closer as the seatbelt let you and reached for his hand.

“It just doesn’t sound familiar to me.” you muttered with a tight lipped smile, playing with his fingers.

“What do you mean?” he questioned, you let out a sigh and turned to look at him; Javier eyed you and the road back and forth for a few seconds.

“Well, I haven’t received that kind of affection from my parents, y’know?” you let out, Javier nodded, he gripped your hand and brought it to his mouth, brushing your skin with his dry, soft lips, tickling it with his mustache, “Idunno, feels foreign even when I’m seeing it happen before my eyes.” you explained, Javier kissed the back of your hand and let his and yours rest on his thigh.

“Pop can be a hard man sometimes,” he said, his voice deep with some emotion you could barely see in his eyes “but he loves very openly.”

“Like you.” you muttered out, Javier smiled and shook his head a couple of times.

“Maybe,” he replied, “I haven’t asked yet.” he teased.

You wrinkled your nose at his response and he chuckled. You leaned to raise the radio volume again; a grupero song that you recognized immediately was barely starting on the station, making you groan and change it.

“What?” Javier asked while you pressed the forward button to fish for another station.

“That fucking song,” you muttered, “it’s about fucking Felix Gallardo.” you said.

“He has a song?” Javier questioned, you turned to him and narrowed your eyes.

“He has several, that one is the newest,” you mumbled, settling for a pop station that was playing some new song by Mariah Carey, Javier scowled at it and you leaned back on the seat “I don’t know why they’re playing it in the fucking radio.”

“Maybe stations don’t know.” he shrugged, you scoffed.

“I can tell them, it’s shockingly obvious.” Javier chuckled at your reply and you tightened the grip on his hand as hard as you could.

“Hey!” he complained, sliding his hand away and stretching his fingers “sorry.”

“Yeah.” you let out, crossing your arms on your chest and setting your eyes on the view outside, Javier groaned lowly.

“Amor,” he called out, you shook your head, “I would know why it makes you so angry if you told me, y’know?” he tried to reason, you looked at him and then looked back at the road; the sun was rising in the morning sky and the, yellow, orange and scarlet tones of the sun telling the night sky a temporary goodbye were reflecting on the puffy clouds above the fields.

“Yeah, I know,” you replied, feeling his hand searching for yours. You unfolded your arms once again and took his hand, knowing there was one last thing about you he needed to know and that was long overdue, a talk you had promised since the first time you spent a night together, since the first time he had held you inside his arms when you told him half trues and blatant lies. Knowing there was just that one thing to get over with so your chest didn’t feel as constricted as it felt when you talked about it. “you really have to know.”

“I’d love to hear it,” he muttered softly, brushing your knuckles with his thumb “and we have time.” he whispered, trying to lighten the mood inside the truck, you huffed and let out a heavy, audibly sigh.

“I don’t even know where to start,” you mumbled, biting your lip and looking at him, the soft, recently born sunshine that was taking over the sky slowly reflected on his skin and made his deep, brown eyes glimmer; Javier looked back at you and raised his eyebrows, expecting, ready to listen. “alright, I think I told you I was a desk agent, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, when was that?” he asked, you let out a chuckle.

“Uhm, since I was out of the academy until almost the end of ninety-one,” you replied, “when they sent me down to Juárez,” you tried to recount the time, Javier groaned and you laughed silently, “yeah, around five years.”

“Really?” Javier let out, you nodded “Jesus.”

“Yeah,” you scoffed “I was in the New Mexico office, mainly focused on intel and trying to put my masters to good use,” Javier hummed and played with your hand “wasn’t so bad, had the chance to go on some raids,” you muttered, “we were just looking for low life dealers, whoever controlled which town, y’know, the usual.”

“And when you told me they sent you to México as a punishment,” he started, you looked at him, “was that the truth?”

“Yeah,” you muttered, “that was true, I tried to cut a deal with some idiot distributor for intel.” Javier huffed.

“That doesn’t end well.” he let out, ripping a low chuckle out of you.

“It really doesn’t, the shithead got caught, he said my name in the interrogation room and by the next week I was crossing the border with a suitcase and I think a cardboard box with files,” you laughed, Javier grinned, “I barely knew any actual spanish.” he frowned.

“Really?” he asked, you nodded, Javier tutted his lips “well, you learned it good.” he teased.

“I had to,” you said with a shrug “see, by this point the mexican government had finally figured out Felix Gallardo was still running his business from jail,” you explained, Javier hummed in response, sliding once more his hand away from yours and patting his chest to reach for his sunglasses that hung from his shirt, “and there was this whole deal with the plazas and no one really knew who managed what, so basically they sent me to study the area’s main supplier,” Javier shook his sunglasses to open them and put them on, the sun was starting to reflect on the windshield, “if I wanted to do my job right I had to learn the language.”

“How long did it take you?” Javier asked, you shifted on the bench seat to tuck your leg under the other.

“Around a year with intensive help from…” you stopped suddenly, Javier turned to you with an eyebrow raised, he looked at you and noticed the way your head tilted, he put his hand on your thigh, “from Marcos,” you muttered, “he taught me.”

Javier only hummed in reply, he didn’t know if he should ask you about him; he groaned to himself and felt your stare, he was sure you also remembered the way he had asked if you were fucking him for intel all those months before that felt like a lifetime; you gave him a chuckle.

“I didn’t fuck him,” you whispered, drawing a chuckle out of him, he shook his head before you fell onto a brief silence that he swore he could cut with a blunt knife “I just got him fired.”

“Baby,” he started, you shook your head, “it wasn’t your fault.”

“Maybe,” you muttered, “he still lost his job.”

Javier sighed, his thumb started drawing slow circles on the covered skin of your thigh.

“You talked to him?” he asked, you let out a slow whine.

“Yeah, I tried to apologize,” you said, remembering how you worked yourself up for three days in order to have the courage to dial his number and talk to him; you closed your eyes and took Javier’s hand, “he didn’t even know it had been because of me, so…” you felt your chest constricting, Marcos’s surprised, hurt voice still echoing inside your head, “let’s just say that bridge there is burned.”

Javier tried to reassure you in the only way his body knew how, he gripped your hand and tried to bring you closer to him; you unbuckled your seatbelt and shifted closer, resting your head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” his voice came out soft and sweet, you huffed; cherishing the way he was slowly voicing stuff he knew would make you feel better.

“I guess it had to happen,” you replied with a soft shrug, “we spent years together, I learned a lot from him,” Javier hummed appreciatively and you smiled, “we were sent together down to Guadalajara,” you told him, looking out to the Texan road, wondering where exactly were you driving through, “we had to focus on Sinaloa too, we had just learned they had this, weird, sort of partnership with Juárez,” Javier nodded once, “and a fucking rivalship with Tijuana.” you chuckled tiredly.

“What a fucking mess,” Javier teased, you nodded and stretched to place a kiss on his cheek, Javier smiled, “that must’ve been hard, amor.”

Javier tried to imagine himself in your place; he had been there for a couple of years before being sent to Colombia; a small taskforce to look for the missing Agent Camarena, he didn't like it. He felt like the violence and the way the narcos were destroying his parent’s country, and his, in a certain way, felt too personal. He didn’t know if he would’ve come out alive if he had been stationed there instead of Colombia.

“It was,” you replied, stirring on the seat to tuck your other leg under you, “the amount of hours we spent trying to analyze interactions between those three cartels still haunts me,” you tried to joke, Javier scoffed, “if I compare it to how Colombia was…” you reflected, Javier hummed warningly, “in my experience,” you smiled and clarified in the same tone he hummed, Javier chuckled, “for me, México was crazier.”

“I imagine,” he said, you looked at him trying to read his face from up close; in the last two weeks you had spent in his house you had re-met him. It was like he was another man with the same essence; he was relaxed, talked more, his sense of humour came out at all times and you had lost count of the times he had made you laugh until your eyes teared up and your belly hurt. It was like being in a relationship with a man you barely knew but had a deep, meaningful love for. He turned to you and smirked “what?” he asked.

“I love you.” you whispered.

Javier smiled at you and, with his eyes skilfully on the road, leaned down to leave a soft kiss on your lips.

“I love you too.” he replied and you left another soft kiss on his mouth, Javier turned to look at the road.

“We should look for something to eat,” you said against the skin of his jaw, he chuckled, “I’m gonna be hungry really soon.”

“We definitely don’t want a hungry flower around here.” he teased, you swatted gently at his arm with a feigned frown.

“I just wanna have energy to keep telling you about México,” you said, Javier nodded, “where was I?”

“Rivalry with Tijuana.” he recalled, you opened your mouth and mouthed a soft ah, nodding.

“So, to make the story short they all wanted to kill each other.” you told him.

“Sounds familiar.” Javier let out growly.

“Right? why can’t they be diplomatic?” you joked, making him chuckle, “Tijuana had thrown a bomb into one of Chapo’s houses and that was a whole ‘nother mess,” Javier blinked heavily at the word bomb and you winced when he gripped your hand tighter, “you get it,” you muttered, he nodded, chewing the inside of his mouth, “so Sinaloa responded with a shooting and killed a lot of people, family of Gallardo,” Javier looked at you in disbelief, “yeah, cousins and one of his aunts.”

Javier said nothing, he kept driving normally but you could feel the way his respiration had become faster, you wondered what he was remembering after what you had said.

“It all escalated very quickly, mind you, this was ninety-two, I spent my birthday in a hotel room in Guadalajara,” you chuckled.

“Why?”

“The cartel knew we were in town, they were trying to track us so we moved hotels for a while.” you replied with a smile on your face while the memory of a small, supermarket store-bought cake with a hard frosting and one single candle painted itself inside your head.

“Who’s we?” Javier asked you, you rolled your eyes.

“Marcos and I,” you told him, Javier groaned in feigned anger and you laughed at him, “he sang me the mexican happy birthday.” you bragged.

“They’re called las mañanitas, Flor.” he chuckled, making you laugh harder at the tone of his voice.

“Yes, that,” Javier shook his head at you, “we had to move to Culiacán, though,” you let out, sitting up straighter at the sight of a gas station, “we had the tip that el Chapo had moved because of all the violence, so we followed him too,” you pointed at it, “can we stop? I’m hungry.”

“Yeah,” Javier changed lanes so he could drive into the gas station and parking next to a pump, you reached for his left hand and took it to look at his watch, you’d been driving for around five hours, the both of you sighed at the same time and he turned off the ignition, “can you get me some sunflower seeds? I’m gonna fill up the tank.” he asked when you reached for your bag that rested on the truck’s floor, you looked at him as he opened the door and got out.

“Sunflower seeds? a’right grandpa.” you teased, opening the door, Javier laughed silently, watching you as you hopped off the truck, closed the door and walked towards the store.

let me know if you wanna be removed :)

dick aneurysm: @starlightmornings @ezrasbirdiealso @purplepascal042 @pascalslittlebrat @mothandpidgeon @wyn-n-tonic @mesmorales @charnelhouse

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @absurdthirst @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen @callsigncatfish @feminist-violinist @pascalove @eury-dice3 @gingaahhhh @athalien @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics

#Javier Peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos netflix #narcos fanfic #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

118 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 15

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.1k

Chapter warnings: smut! unprotected sex (p in v), some rough touches, javi being soft and... secrets???

A/N: This chapter is set between season three, episode seven and eight. // yet another long one with plot but we have love!!!! keep bracing yourselves, next part is gonna be HEAVY

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gif: @bestintheparsec

After you landed in Bogotá you and Javier hopped into his suv without even saying a word to Feistl and Van Ness.

You knew he was as or more exhausted as you but he still drove all the way to your building with a blank expression; you drifted off again in the passenger’s seat and when he pulled over he grabbed your hand to wake you up.

When you opened your eyes he pulled your hand to him and grabbed you by the nape of your neck, you whined out in surprise as he smashed his lips on yours. His mouth moved hungrily, his tongue invaded your mouth without your permission, you tried to keep up at the same time your body was waking up completely. You pushed him away by the chest when he bit your lip way harder than you would have liked.

“What’s going on?” you asked him, his face quirked in frustration, his brow furrowed, his eyes darkened by something else than just lust.

“Just let me touch you” he whispered and threw himself to you, his hand landed on your hip and the other on your breast, tugging hard through the shirt you were wearing, his shirt. You smacked his hand away again.

“Javier, stop!” he separated himself from you “I like things rough, I really do, but this is angry and I need to know what’s going on inside here” you raised your hand to his temple.

“Please, just let– just let me touch you” his voice was thinner than a thread, you cupped his face and he leaned into your hands, he looked incredibly tired, frustrated and angry, he grabbed your wrists and brushed a finger against the back of your hand, closing his eyes. You knew he was furious about what happened in Cali, you could see it in his body language, and the way he didn’t talk to anyone on the way back, not even with you, you could see it in the way he was forcing himself to move without breaking something or punching someone, he was just seeking physical contact, you knew that, that was something you had learned about him in the very short time you had been… whatever you were, he was a very touchy person, so it was logical that he wanted to touch you after feeling incredibly negative emotions about something going wrong at work, and then you wondered if that was why he was always going to brothels, just to fuck the negative feelings off.

You moved your hands from his face to his neck and pulled him to you over the console in the middle, he let out a big sigh and dropped his hands to your waist and pulled you to him, clenching you in his embrace. You felt Javier hiding his face in the crook of your neck and you just held him, you moved one of your hands to his hair, waiting until he wanted to let go, just realizing your headache had disappeared.

Javier felt the fog inside his head clear slowly, he stopped thinking about everything that had gone wrong in the last ten hours and started thinking about when was the last time he had been held like that before you, thinking how good it felt to get drunk in someone else’s scent, to get drunk in your scent. After he relaxed his body he still cling to yours, loving the contact way too much to let go. He allowed himself to think more about you, to think on how fast you had become something… else, someone important, someone that felt real, someone safe, who he could really be himself with, he smiled slightly when he realized the amount of intimacy that was in the embrace you were entangled in, he wouldn’t rather have that with anybody else.

“Do you feel better?” you whispered to him when he started moving his hands through your back “you wanna talk about it or do you want something else?”

“I want to be inside you” he murmured against the skin of your neck.

“I’m pretty sure that can be arranged” you tugged his hair slightly and felt his smile on your skin.

Less than three minutes later you were opening your apartment’s door with Javier’s mouth nibbling on your neck and his arms wrapped around your waist. His touch wasn’t hurried like the kiss he had given you earlier, his kisses were now patient, slow and wet, waiting for you to open the door.

Once you did he walked you inside and he even took the time to appreciate your space and give you a small smile when you turned around in the embrace to face him.

“See why I like yours better?” you whispered before he could close the distance between your mouths, curling your arms around his neck.

“Your’s cozier” he mumbled, ripping a smile out of you then kissing it.

He pulled you impossibly closer to him, your chest was on his and his hip brushed your body, you could feel his bulge getting harder through the fabric of his jeans and your pants. You walked backwards towards the living room without breaking the kiss, his lips were taking your breath away and giving it back slowly, you could feel the warmness of his hands squeezing ever so slightly your waist and you thought you couldn’t get more wet.

You bit his lip softly and he let out a groan that made your legs feel like they were made of clay. Javier broke the kiss and snaked one hand through your body to cup your jaw. His gaze was pinned to yours and you let out a sigh when you noticed his pupils incredibly dilated, making his gorgeous brown eyes look black. His lips moved as if he was about to say something but was hesitating to, you saw his eyebrows relax and gave him a soft smile. You wanted to think that you knew what he was about to say and at the same time you were telling yourself that you didn’t. Even if you were reading it in his face, you lied to yourself that he wasn’t telling you anything.

Javier was sure you could read his expression and again, as he did everytime he got to be alone with you, he was counting on it. He had no words, he was bad with them in situations like those, so he was really trusting that you could read in his adoring gaze what he was feeling in the moment.

Your breath hitched and for a moment your instinct told you to run the hell away, but he kissed you again and you hated him for making you forget everything about everything. Even about yourself.

He tugged at your/his shirt and started unbuttoning it.

“Please wear my clothes everyday” he muttered against your lips, making you giggle.

“I could but they look better on you” you whispered back as he opened the garment that had quickly become one of your favorites of his, and slid it off your shoulders. His lips traced kisses from your mouth to your jaw and then to your neck, you tilted your head to the side to give him access to it and sighed when he gently bit the skin between your neck and your shoulder. His hands were roaming freely through your back and his fingers swiftly unhooked your bra, you took it off and moved to unbutton his shirt while one of his hands cupped your breast and his thumb played with your nipple. He was still attacking the skin of your neck and drawing out moans from your throat when you forced his hands away from your body to take his shirt off, he obliged and took a step back to strip off of it, letting out a groan at the brief loose of contact, you stood there for a moment, admiring his naked torso, your sight was blurred with desire for him but before he could grasp you and kiss you again you grabbed his hand and guided him to your room with a smirk adorning your face.

Javier stood in front of you and cupped your face in both hands to steal your breath away once again, your hands slid from his chest to his waist to unbuckle his belt and work on getting him out of his insultingly tight jeans. He shivered under your touch once your hand got inside his pants and you brushed his erection with your fingers painfully gently while the other played with the hem of his pants.

“Take this off, please” you whispered, without a word he obeyed and pulled them down along with his briefs to his ankles, stepping out of them and forgetting the garment on one of the corners of your bedroom.

You didn’t hesitate to follow, you smiled to yourself when you remembered you hadn’t had the chance to change out of your clothes since the night you slept with him for the first time and that somehow turned you on even more.

Javier was pumping himself while taking the sight of you stripping out of your clothes and shoes, you bit your lower lip at him and without a second's notice, his lips were flush against yours once more, his hands, hot and heavy, wrapped themselves on your waist, you turned him around and walked towards the bed. Your palms rested on his chest and once you knew the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress you pushed him delicately and made him sit in front of you.

He immediately buried his face on your chest and started leaving soft wet kisses on your skin, his saliva felt incredibly hot on you and you sighed when his mouth got hold of one of your nipples.

You straddled him, wrapping your arms around his neck and letting your hands play with his hair and burrow themselves in the short brown curls.

Javier moved from one breast to the other, his arms trapping you against him, you let out a gasp when he gently tugged your nipple with his teeth.

You could feel his hands exploring the skin of your back, sending shivers down your spine, you tugged softly the hair of his nape to make him look at you and you kissed the bridge of his nose, he smiled at you and you slid your hand to brush the wrinkles in the corner of his eye with your thumb.

“You’re really pretty” you whispered, moving your hips to the front so your core grazed slowly against his erection, he closed his eyes and moaned out loud.

He had never been called pretty before without any other adjective after it, and he felt quite surprised at himself because he liked it. Javier didn’t consider himself as a conventionally handsome man, he knew he had an appeal, he had worked on his flirt game for years until almost perfect it, he knew what he could offer and he knew what he could do to somebody, but the idea of him being perceived as other than handsome or hot never crossed his mind. Yet, hearing it in your voice, he settled in the fact that he didn’t want any other person to call him like that but you. There were a lot of things he only wanted to happen with you. And the sudden realization that you, somehow, even with the little time you’ve known each other, knew exactly how to love him, hit him like a scorching wave of hot air.

One of his hands left your back and got between your bodies to align himself up to you, there would be another time to play more and to get to know your body in other ways than just burying himself inside you, but in that moment he needed to feel you clench around him, he needed to anchor himself to you and you only. You felt him throb as he looked at you and rubbed the tip through your wet folds; you sighed in anticipation and patiently waited for him to slide inside you. He filled you slowly, you could feel the way he was stretching you as you sank into him, his eyes not leaving yours and his free hand covering your upper back to hold you close to him.

“Perfect” he mumbled against you, resting his forehead against yours as his now freed hand snaked to your shoulders and placed itself on your nape, you felt a familiar sting in your throat at his praise, you wanted to tell him you weren’t at all perfect. And again, in that moment, with him inside of you and making you feel fuller than ever, with his large hands cherishing as much of your skin as they could reach, with his smoky breath mixing with yours and his tired eyes taking you in, there wasn’t another thing you wanted more than to tell him the truth.

You started rolling your hips slowly and almost absentmindedly, Javier let out a sigh and closed his eyes, letting you take control of him again, he tightened his embrace and you could feel the thin layer of sweat that made his chest glisten under the daylight that came in through your bedroom window.

He kissed you, his plush lips moved softly on yours, you let his tongue enter and roam around your mouth as one of his hands traveled down to your hip and gripped your flesh lightly to guide your movements. His kiss was making you forget every thought you had inside your head, the way he was leading your hips made him bottom up and reach higher inside you, grazing against that specific sweet spot that made you shudder on top of him, you sighed his name once, twice, three times against his lips and he smiled.

Javier moved his hand from your hip to the small of your back and stood up, he turned around to lay you down on the bed, hovering over you, still filling you, still kissing you. He leaned on his elbow to avoid crushing you with his body, you wrapped your legs around his waist and he started rocking his hips, dangerously slow, incredibly steady, as if he was trying to reach further inside you, as if he was trying to bury his whole body in you.

He savored the feeling of your core accommodating itself to the new angle, he took in every single one of the noises you were letting out, his hands tried to roam all over your body, his eyes outlined the shape of your body under his and he tried to memorize every sensation, every gasp and moan and shudder, yours and his, he tried to breathe in as much of your scent as he could, he broke the kiss and tried to store in his mind the way your face quirked in pleasure, your eyes closed shut, your mouth half opened, your cheeks blushed and your forehead covered in a barely noticeable layer of sweat.

You realized you had your eyes closed when he kissed your lids, then the bridge of your nose as you had kissed his before, then each cheek, then your chin, and finally your lips again. You tried to remember the last time you had felt that full, the last time you had felt as cared and worshiped as you were feeling under him and you failed. You snaked your hands on his back and dug your nails smoothly on his skin, he groaned and you thought of that sound as one of the most beautiful things you had ever heard.

He tried to lift your leg higher on his back, you let out a gasp, feeling a tug on the muscle of your calf.

“Ouch, ouch” you whined, Javier stopped moving and opened his eyes to look at your face, frowning.

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered worrily, you smiled and shook your head, trying to move your leg from his grip.

“Cramp” Javier smiled at your chuckle, he pushed himself back and kneeled on the bed, pulling out of you almost completely, he grabbed your ankle and stretched your leg, you laughed when you felt your toes curl.

“Does it hurt?” he smirked at you, you shook your head again, watching him as he put your ankle on his shoulder and started massaging your tightened muscles. You moaned at the touch, at the loss of him inside you and at the relief in your muscle and threw your head back on the bed, he kept kneading your flesh and you laughed again. “what?”

“I just realized how tired I am” you muttered, he chuckled.

“You wanna stop?” you looked back at him with a playful frown, fuck no. His smile grew wider and he placed two kisses on the skin of your calf “better?”

“Much” you bit your lip “c’mere” you opened your arms for him and he leaned down forward, you reached down to grip his cock and align it again, he got inside easier than before and without a second thought renewed his movements, rolling his hips to bottom up rougher. You moaned his name again and the burning sensation inside you made you close your eyes.

Javier’s picked up the pace and started thrusting faster, in a way you could feel him graze against your cervix.

“Harder” you sighed, if you hadn’t closed your eyes you could had seen the satisfied smirk that crossed his face, he bit his lip as he shifted on top of you to rock inside you with more strength, he let out a moan when he felt your breath hitch and your walls clench him in, he could feel you were close so he slid his hand from the mattress to your breast, cupped the flesh and played with a nipple “more” you breathed out he leaned closer to you and licked your lips open, the wet brush of his tongue made you clench again and his hand snaked to your clit, rubbing painfully slowly with one finger.

You stopped breathing for a brief moment when you felt a bundle of flames forming inside your lower belly and as if he was reading your mind instead of your body he circled his finger faster.

“Oh my– Javier!” you cried his name like a prayer as you felt your body explode from the inside out on his ear made him lose rhythm for less than a second.

“Come on, preciosa,” he felt you shaking and clenching and gasping and panting under him and when your walls tightened around his throbbing length for the last time as you rode out your orgasm, he let go, spilling himself inside with a loud moan, “oh, baby” he crashed on top of you and you held him against your body, the thought of you being his crossed his mind ever so briefly and he smiled with his face hiding inside the crook of your neck, your hand burying itself on his sweat-wet hair, his hand brushing your shoulder, your chest rising in need for air, you felt his lips brushing lightly on your skin and for the briefest of moments you felt three hazardous words wanting to slip out of your mouth.

Not now, not today. Most probably, not ever.

You didn’t realize you had fallen asleep until you felt the loss of his body weight, you opened your eyes and found him sitting next to you, just looking at your body, bare and spreaded out on the wrinkled duvet. He smiled at you and without a word stood up and walked naked out of the room, you sighed for the thousandth time that day and grinned when you heard the shower turning on.

A half hour shared shower later that was hot and steamy solely because of the water, he was getting dressed while you were standing in front of your closet with only a grey pair of dress pants and a white bra on, browsing for something to wear to the meeting you had later with the ambassador. You pulled out two button up blouses and held them next to each other, one was baby blue and the other plain white.

You felt his arms curling around your naked waist and his chin resting on your shoulder, his stubble grazing over the shoulder bone, he pressed his chest against your back and you smiled at the comforting sensation of his body heat against your nearly bare back.

“I like the blue one better,” he whispered, you let out a chuckle.

“You think?” you tilted your head to consider his choice, he took advantage of your movement and buried his face on your neck, he hummed in affirmation as he licked over your jugular, making you moan and laugh at the same time “Javi, stop, it tickles”

He chuckled, let a gentle kiss just below your jaw and broke the embrace so you could put on the blue shirt.

“I have to go home to change” he brushed his mustache with his thumb as he looked at your deft fingers buttoning the shirt, you nodded.

“Have you seen my phone?” he looked around the bedroom floor.

“Your satelital?” you asked as he walked out of the room into the living room.

“No, the other one, I can’t find it” he lifted your/his discarded shirt from the floor and threw it to the couch when the device wasn’t under.

“Maybe in the truck?” you suggested, he walked in back and raised an eyebrow “why don’t you go check, I’m gonna dial so it rings” he hummed, agreeing, took a step closer to you, gave you a quick kiss and walked out of the room, you followed him and went to grab the phone from the kitchen wall, you saw him getting out of your apartment and waited a few minutes to let him reach the suv. You dialed his phone number and he picked up at the third tone “where was it?”

“Under the seat” you chuckled “a’right, pick you up in fifteen, okay?” you frowned, in the middle of his sentence the line cut for less than a second, barely noticeable, you had heard something like that before.

“Great, what are you gonna wear?” you asked, stalling, trying to make him talk more to maybe hear the cut again and confirm what you were suspecting, you listened and gripped the receiver as close to your ear as you could, you heard him getting inside the truck and starting the ignition, the line cut again, you choked down a grunt.

“I don’t really care” he replied, his voice cut again, you tried to keep the line open for a few more seconds.

“Wear something pretty” you tried to tease him, you heard him chuckle and the line cut again, fuck “see you later, handsome” you hung up the phone and disconnected the telephone wire you took down the whole thing off the wall. You put it on the counter and found the small hole to open the cradle. Inside, beside the circuits, the button pad and the amplifier, there was a small black square connected to the commutator. “fuck” you hissed, taking in out, it could be held just on the tip of your finger, it was significantly smaller than the other’s you had seen before.

For a moment you actually put thought on who would have tapped your phone and laughed humorlessly because you already knew the answer. You put the little device on the counter and shook your head, intercepting your home phone was stupid as fuck because you never used it.

And then, like flicking a switch, it came to you. They knew that. They didn’t just tap your phone. I was almost certain that they had wired your house.

“Shit” you hissed again, louder. Where the fuck would the microphones be hidden?, you started roaming around the outlets on the walls, looking for something slightly moved or out of the ordinary.

You walked inside your bedroom and towards one of the end tables, the one with the lamp, you moved it and found a thin gray wire sliding inside the socket on the wall “dammit” you grumbled. Your fingers followed the wire to the base of the lamp, you lifted it and under it you found an almost too small microphone. Right in the bedroom.

Right in the bedroom where you just made love with Javier, screamed his name and gave yourself to him for the second time.

You pulled it out with a frustrated grunt, rolled it on your fingers and stuffed it inside your pocket.

How you didn’t see it coming was beyond you, you knew what they were capable of, but didn’t actually think they would doubt you that much.

Everything was starting to get messy, and before you could wonder how much time those taps had been inside your house, you knew you had to call them out. You knew from there the only way was down.

←previous // next→

tag list: @shestillwrites1 @absurdthirst @supernaturalgirl @alliterative-albatross @disgruntledspacedad @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch @helloannbananalove @pascalesque @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen

pedrito's perma list: @queenofthefaceless @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight

#javier peña #Javier Pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #narcos netflix #narcos fanfiction #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #Jose Pedro Balmaceda Pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

153 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Children's Game (a RushBit one shot)

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: Javi and you go to the county fair... that's basically it.

Word count: +1.9k

Chapter warnings: Javi and Flor being DORKS and mentions of guns

A/N: This is canon RushBit after the main story, and part of the Writer Wednesday challenge by @autumnleaves1991-blog, thank you baby, you gave me an excuse to post this before of when i was intending lmao

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

“Why are we here again?” Javier asked once you hopped off the truck, you chuckled and he reached to grab your hand, interlacing his fingers with yours, sending a bit of an electric rush through your body. Incredible how he could do that after so long.

“We promised Chucho we would get him some churros,” you reminded him, and he sighed, guiding you to the entrance.

“You know he can make them, right?” he half rethorized half whined as he paid for two tickets and you laughed at him.

“Yeah, but he likes the ones here, why do you have to be such a baby about it?” you teased and he tugged your hand to move you closer to him.

“Call me baby one more time,” he whispered on your cheek.

“What are you gonna do?” you replied, giving him a daring glance and enjoying how his neck, despite the sun setting behind him, was reddening slowly. Javier huffed and started walking inside “that’s more like it.” you teased again, making him chuckle.

The county fair was roaring with people, you two could barely walk two steps without bumping into someone and you could see on Javier’s face how he was hating it.

“Just an hour, babe,” you muttered next to him, gripping his hand tighter, and he nodded twice to let you know he heard it.

You walked a bit more; you were enjoying the way the lights looked like little warm stars, the different kind of music that was playing on each game made your ears a bit ringy but for you it was tolerable.

He saw you eye out the Ferris wheel and noticed the way you sighed at the sight of the big attraction, he wanted to ask if you wanted to get up but his head was starting to pound and he knew the height wouldn't do any good to either of you.

Javier let out a relieved sigh when you got to the churros and funnel cake stand, and you kissed his cheek when you found a spot at the end of the line.

“I want cotton candy,” you thought out loud when you saw a man walking around with a large pole filled with already made and bagged cotton candy, you turned to him “you want one?” Javier looked at you and narrowed his eyes at you and shook his head “‘kay, but I won’t give you from mine” you told him, knowing he would try to eat from yours as his sweet tooth was apparently, uncontrollable, rummaging in your jean’s pocket for some change and sliding your hand off the entanglement with his.

Javier saw you walking to the cotton candy man and absentmindedly smiled at how you managed yourself around. All security and confidence.

As the line got shorter he kept looking at you, talking a bit with the man and then choosing a cotton candy bigger than your head, Javier chuckled when the man helped you open the bag and you almost dropped it on the floor, which made you bark a laugh and smile at the seller.

You turned around and walked to him, smiling like a little girl with your big ass cotton candy in hand, pinching little pieces out with your fingers and shoving them inside your mouth.

“Your tongue is getting stained already,” he said and you giggled, Javier raised his hand to pinch a bit of the fluff and you furrowed your brown.

“No, no,” you moved it to the side and out of his reach “I asked you if you wanted one,” Javier rolled his eyes and stepped closer to you.

“I’ll buy you a funnel cake,” he tried to bargain. You shook your head.

“I don’t want a funnel cake,” you replied and made him sigh.

“Why are you so stubborn?” he muttered on your face, the line kept moving and you with it.

“I’m not stubborn,” you said, he smirked and threw his head to the side “well maybe I am, but is my cotton candy.”

Javier chuckled again and threw his hands to the air, defeated. Your turn came and he asked for two bags of churros and a large funnel cake to-go.

He paid and grabbed your hand to walk to the exit, the path on the way out was less crowded and you two actually got to see some of the attractions, laughing at the screams of the children that enjoyed the rides and at the laughters of teenagers wasting their money away on the games.

You stood straighter when you saw a shooting game and tugged at his hand, letting the last piece of aired sugar you had bitten off the cotton candy melt in your mouth.

“What?” Javier looked at you, puzzle faced.

“Shooting game! Let’s go win Pepe a stuffed animal,” you didn’t wait for his reply and pulled him to start walking towards the game stand.

“He is a stuffed animal,” Javier let out as a comeback and you just chuckled at it “baby he has more than enough toys, you have him spoiled.”

You turned around to look at him and he just rolled his eyes.

“If he has more than enough toys then why does he keep chewing on your boots?” Javier didn’t reply, knowing you were right “besides I think he needs one.”

“He doesn’t,” he tried to reason as you let his hand go, handed him your half eaten cotton candy and went to his back pocket to pull his wallet out.

“He does” you said and he saw you take a couple dollars out of it and go to return the leather square to its designated spot in his jeans, he smiled and cringed a bit when you first rubbed his butt over the denim, looking at you smiling teasingly and winking at him.

“Tease,” he accused and you chuckled, grabbing back the paper stick with the severely shrunk cotton candy, walking to the kid that was tending the game.

“Hi, how many tries for a turn?” you asked him and he smiled at you both and his green gaze lingered a bit on Javier.

“Five pellets for turn, ma’am, a dollar each one.” he answered with his toothy smile and you paid him.

“Only one, keep the change,” you told him and if it was possible, he widened his smile.

“Appreciate it ma’am,” he pulled a little box and started counting pellets “I’m sorry, sir?” he addressed Javier, a bit fidgety, you could tell he was nervous without the need to read him, Javier nodded his chin to him “yo-you’re Javier Peña, right?” the kid asked and Javier stiffened next to you, nodding again, the kid smiled again, handing him the pellets, Javier opened his hand and the kid let them fall on his open palm “we’re learning about the drug war in school, there’s a picture of you and your partner on my book,” he mumbled and you heard Javier sighing next to you “you’re awesome, sir, thank you.”

You turned to look at Javier and saw him smile softly to the kid and nodding again to him.

“Rifle six is free,” the kid looked back at you, pointing at the last one “you shot at three bottles and you choose any stuffed animal you want.”

“Thanks, love,” you said and walked along the short bar where old rifles were stuck and pointing to a variety of glass bottles laid up on several shelves, “didn’t think they would be teaching about it so soon,” you commented as you reached rifle six.

“It’s been three years, they’re moving fast.” he mumbled and said nothing more, there was a younger kid and a woman on each side of the shelves, you grabbed the bag of treats from Javier’s hand and gestured to the rifle with the cotton candy “go on, big guy” you teased.

“You want me to do it?” he asked, a fake tired expression on his face, you nodded and pushed his arm a bit towards the gun “Flor…”

“Don’t even start,” you scolded at the sound of your nickname “go”

He rolled his eyes and loaded the rifle with the first pellet, moving it to the side. You saw his shoulders rise and then he took a shot, sending it between two bottles.

His shoulders dropped and without looking back at you he loaded it again, you pressed your lips together at the sight of him doing the same, a little bit to the right and taking a shot again, failing.

You snorted and he turned to frown at you.

“Steve was right,” you covered your mouth with the back of your hand and he put his hands on his waist “you a lousy shot,” you said between laughs.

“It’s a children’s game!” he complained.

“Is it?” you teased.

“You think you can do better?” he dared and you shot up your brows.

“I know I can,” you replied, handing him the bag and the last of the candy, which he took with the same hand and then gave you the last three pellets.

You saw him taking a bite of the candy behind you and rolled your eyes as you loaded the gun.

You crouched a bit so the rifle’s stock could be supported on your shoulder and moved it a bit to the left, you breathed in and taking the shot you let the air out, hitting a bottle right in the middle.

“I told you!” you yelled at Javier, turning to see him, he smiled at you and nodded to it.

“Two more,” he said, and pointed to one on the upper right corner with the hand that held the candy “shot that one, the blue one,” he dared and you nodded, turning back to the gun.

You loaded the gun again and noticed the way the rear sight was slightly tilted and so you pointed the front sight to the bottle, repeated the breath in and shot as the air left your lungs, smashing the blue bottle in several pieces. Javier let out a laugh behind you and you turned around with your lower lip between your teeth, trying to commit the sound to memory.

There weren't many things that made Javier laugh as there were many that made him smile. In the years you’ve been together you could count on both hands the moment you had actually heard him laugh out loud. The sound was rough and smokey, like his voice but different from his chuckles, and sometimes he ended up coughing a bit because of the years he spent smoking, but it was something that filled you chest and brain and body with a happiness you thought you would never be feeling. It was one of your favorite noises in the world.

“Last one,” you announced as he finished the cotton candy “pick your shot, señor,” Javier narrowed his eyes at the bunch of settled bottles and found one of a beer he liked right in the middle, he pointed at it and you widened your smile “aye aye captain.”

You loaded the gun and moved it, waited for the kid to replace one of the smashed bottles and breathed in and out, shooting and hitting the neck of the bottle, breaking only the top part. You gasped and covered your mouth, turning to look at Javier. He had his mouth half opened and his eyebrows raised. You wanted to laugh at his expression and at the way his mouth was slightly stained from the cotton candy.

“Ma’am,” the kid called you and you turned to look at him “pick your stuffie,” you chuckled and pointed at a yellow tiger.

The woman grabbed a pole and took it down, handing it to you.

“Thanks” you smiled at her and put the stuffed animal behind your arm, stepping to Javier.

“Well done, baby.” he took your free hand and tugged you to kiss your cheek.

“Still think it’s a children’s game?”

pedrito's perma list: @queenofthefaceless @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight11 @cheekygeek05 @bii-aan-ckaa @letaliabane @starlightmornings @mouthymandalorianalso @supernaturalgirl @metalarmsandmanbuns @purplepascal042 @asta-lily @greeneyedblondie44

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

#javier peña #javier pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos netflix #narcos fanfic #narcos fanfiction #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfic #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #rushingly bittersweet tag #Writer Wednesday

102 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

The Letter; a RushBit extra.

From chapter 23 // ao3 // fic index // Masterlist

#javier peña #javier pena #javier peña x reader #javier peña fanfiction #javier peña fanfic #narcos #narcos fanfic #narcos netflix #pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #jose pedro balmaceda pascal #pedro pascal characters #rushingly bittersweet tag

103 notes · View notes

danniburgh · 3 years

Text

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 18

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +3.8k

Chapter warnings: mentions of captivity, kidnapping and death, hints of misogyny, even more feels omg

A/N: This chapter is set in season three, episode eight. // look guys at this point its all plot lmao, so yeah... also, please, please get ready, next chapter is gonna be almost the double of words and feels so... just a heads up

ao3 // fic index // Masterlist // fic playlist

comments and reblogs are eternally appreciated 💓 let me know if you wanna be tagged

←previous // next→

gif: @bratdjarin

The time after that call went faster and faster.

You found yourself running through the embassy hallways along with Feistl to let the ambassador know Javier had Christina Jurado with him, then assuring him she would be safer staying in your house, making sure Feistl backed you up so Crosby wouldn’t be a pain in the ass and asked you if you could handle any strong situations that may concur while she was with you.

Then you went and made some arrangements to get another field agent to be your second as Feistl and Van Ness still had to fix their own shit. By the time you finished running around, Javier was back.

The office was almost empty, spare from Stoddard furiously typing into his computer, from the entrance you could see Javier standing in the middle of his office with his arms crossed on his chest and Christina Jurado sitting in front of him in the loveseat, both in complete silence.

You almost ran through the bullpen when you saw him, crossing the doorframe to his office and throwing yourself at him.

“Fuck, you’re okay,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around his neck and fisting his shirt while he let out a soft oof. Javier let himself embrace you back, letting his arms down and around your waist, you shoved your head in the crook of his neck, not caring that he smelled like sweat and smoke and gunpowder and death.

You didn’t want to ask him what he had to do to bring back Christina, and you were sure he wouldn’t tell you.

Javier let out a heavy sigh when he felt you finally inside his arms again, for a moment he forgot where he was and let himself breathe you in and out, using you yet again as an anchor to the real world.

You broke the embrace and cupped his face, making double sure he was unscratched, making double sure he was whole, making double sure he was good, at least physically.

He didn’t hold your gaze; he was looking behind you and you turned around.

“Christina,” you muttered, she looked up at you quizzically and for some reason that you didn’t want to dive in at the moment, you wanted to hug her.

There she was, a gorgeous, brave woman who had spent days in a place you were sure was worse than hell, with people that didn’t care about her, sitting there in one of the safest places in Colombia, just waiting for her fate to happen.

You couldn’t stop your brain for comparing and making parallels of your life to hers; she was the wife of a narco accountant; she had been living under the radar for a long time and she seemed to hate it, she merely loathed it and everything that had to do with what her husband was doing; and you, unmarried, oddly loved and chasing down the guys that practically paid her bills. You were about the same age and yet your lives had taken deeply different paths. And both of those paths had brought you both there. To a shitty office in an american government facility in a country neither of you had been born in, looking into each other’s eyes, relating to each other on more than one level.

For a moment you let yourself think what would’ve happened if you would’ve been the one that talked to her instead of Javier. It was a horrible thought; it was terrible to think and utterly useless, but maybe, just maybe, some things wouldn’t have happened.

“Hi,” she whispered, her voice was deep and quite hoarse, she leaned to rest her hands on her legs and you stepped towards her.

“I’m agent Martín, I’m gonna be with you until your flight tomorrow morning,” you explained to her, and you saw her let out a sigh, as if she was more relieved with you there “I’m gonna take you to my house so you can clean up and get some sleep, if that’s okay with you,” you saw her look at you with precaution and pondered the answer, then she just nodded.

“Is Javier gonna come?” she asked, bewaringly, you looked at her attentively and she glanced at him behind you for less than a second. You knew she had seen what he did to get her out of the place she was in and you understood, with the way she was sitting and staring at everything but him, that she wasn’t really fond of the methods.

“No, he’s not,” you assured her, feeling the deep stare of Javier in your back. Christina deflated slowly and breathed in, as if relieved, you stretched your hand to her. She looked at it and then looked at you for a few seconds, deciding if she would trust you or not, you tried to give her a reassuring smile and she took your hand, standing up, “have you eaten?”

“No,” she looked at the floor as you guided her to the door. You turned to look at Javier and he was frowning at the way you were managing the situation. You didn’t need to read his expression or his body language to know he just felt guilty because he didn’t have the same rapport in him. At least not anymore.

He wanted to ask you what the hell were you thinking to take Christina out of the building, but instead just looked at you, trusting you would at least read in his face how insecure about it he was feeling. You shook your head once and gave him a hard stare. He stiffened, and tightened his jaw, then mimicking you and nodding as well, knowing he had to let you do your part.

“Let’s get you some food as well,” you muttered to Christina, who turned to look at Javier one last time.

“Thank you,”

“Don’t thank me, let’s go, someone is waiting for us downstairs and you have a flight early in the morning,” you said, pulling her softly a bit closer to you, as you both walked out of the office.

The next morning came by. You and Christina were sitting in the backseat of Javier’s suv, him driving and another agent sitting next to him in the co-pilot’s seat. Christina was looking through the window, watching Bogotá waking up with her arm curled around yours.

The drive was quiet but tense, and while you felt Javier’s staring at you through the rearview mirror, you remembered the conversation you had with Christina when you arrived at your place the night before.

“Are you Javier’s girlfriend?” she had asked you, sitting on the couch, waiting for you to finish talking with the other agent that had to spend the night at your door and settle next to her. By the way she had asked you could notice it had no double meaning, she was genuinely curious.

“You… could say that,” you replied, biting your lip to stop yourself from smiling, “we don’t really have a name for… this,” for some reason you didn’t know you found Christina really trustworthy. You reasoned that it was maybe because she was trusting you to take care of her safety until she could be in her own country, so it was the logical thing to trust her back. She sighed at your reply.

“I don’t think you really need a tag, y’know,” she had said, and you nodded. She kept quiet for a moment and then grabbed your hand, her skin was cold and her hands were shaking, “I also fell in love with a dangerous man,” she said, making your breath hitch.

“Christina…”

“Don’t let him do to you what being married to Franklin did to me,” she muttered, almost as in secrecy. You looked at her and wished you could just take away all the shit she had lived in all the time she was captive.

The sentence lingered in your mind and settled itself in that nagging part of your brain that made you overthink things. You didn’t know exactly if she was referring to the inevitability of danger into the jobs her husband and your… Javier had, or maybe something else.

She tightened the grip on your hand, bringing you back to the moment, and for a second she lost herself, staring at everything and nothing at the same time. You wanted to ask her so many things and make sure she was okay. You didn’t find the strength in you to take her out of her trance, knowing maybe that was just her way to cope with… everything.

“I didn’t know if I was going to get out of there,”

“Christina,” you called her and she looked at you, still absentminded “I’m sorry, I have to ask, did they… do anything to you?” the question took her by surprise and her eyes watered. You could see she was already tired of crying and by that point she was past feeling sad. You watched her take her time to answer with expectation, and she shook her head, provoking your chest to fill with air, contented that at least they had spared her that one horror.

“No, they didn’t, but they wanted to,” she had muttered, making you shiver.

It amazed you how receptive your body was being to what she said. And yet again, you realized that you couldn’t avoid comparing yourself to her.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Christina,” you told her, putting your other hand on top of hers that was gripping you. She looked at you and narrowed her eyes slightly.

“Are you really?” her question caught you off guard more than you would’ve expected, she was asking again, genuinely, still having some barrier that wasn’t thrown for you, and you couldn’t blame her for that. You could see she still was scared of something or someone and you could also see that she was angry, not exactly directly at you, but angry.

“Of course I am, I was supposed to bring you to a safe place when you were… when they took you,” her trembling hands moved awkwardly and she stared at you “after Javi arrested your husband, he told me to go to your house and get you to safety, but when I got there, you called him and told him you saw cops and left,” you remembered the call Javier had given you after that, you still recalled the tone of his voice, desperate and frustrated, similar to the one Franklin Jurado had in one of his calls with Christina. You wondered if that could be taken as a parallel of your relationship, but decided not to go there, wasn’t really useful to keep comparing.

“That’s when he told me to go to the embassy,” Christina muttered and you nodded, her gaze got lost again and once again, you saw something inside her eyes that screamed and shouted even though she was sitting in front of you in almost utter silence. She was angry, so, so angry. And you couldn’t blame her for that either.

“I was actually waiting for you,” you told her, she sighed and you bit your lip again, “and when you didn’t arrive I just… I’m just really glad you’re safe, you didn’t deserve any of that,”

Christina shook her head a few times and took a deep breath.

“No, I didn’t” her reply confirmed what you were just seeing. You wanted to tell her so many things, you wanted to tell her that she wasn’t alone, that she was going to get through all the shit, that she was going to see her husband and that even though he was in jail, he was protected and she would be able to rebuild her life, no longer in the shadows, you wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay… But you didn’t, because you didn’t know that. “what’s gonna happen to me now?” she asked, and for the first time since you’d been talking, you heard a tremble in her voice, hesitation, insecurity, and it didn’t suit her.

“He’s gonna fly you home, you’re gonna see your husband” you had said, trying to make things at least a little more bearable, but she just let out a huff and turned to you.

“Are you coming?” Christina asked, her eyes set in you. You weren’t sure if you had that kind of power.

“Do you want me to?”

“Please”

After that you showed her the bathroom, gave her some of your clothes and almost forced her to sleep in your bed. Then, when you were sure she was at least more comfortable than she was when she arrived, you had called Javier to tell him she wanted you in the plane with her.

You arrived at the airport and Christina was escorted by you, Javier, the other agent that had spent the night at your place’s door, and two police officers. You got settled in a private waiting room and Javier made sure the only ones inside it were Christina, you and him.

“I’m really sorry for taking away your clothes,” Christina said, still grabbing your arm, you were watching Javier looking through the window of the room and turned to her, shaking your head.

“Don’t be, they look better on you,” you reassured her, feeling quite better with yourself for having her smiling at you, a female voice talks through the speakers and Javier turns to you, he captures back your attention and you give him a small smile.

“In less than an hour, we’re on that plane,” he says to Christina and walks to sit behind the two of you “your husband knows, he’ll be waiting for ya,”

Christina said nothing, she just squeezed your hand and you for once tried to be silent, not wanting to meddle in whatever they had, as the mood inside the room had changed and apparently you were the only one that could feel and almost see the palpable tension they had with each other.

“It’s all behind you now, Christina,” Javier muttered, you turned to see him with narrowed eyes and a quirk in your face that asked him if he really just said that.

“And you think I should thank you for that?” Christina rhetored bitterly at him, not even bothering to look at him, you turned to see her and realized who her anger was directed to. And you… understood.

“No, no I don’t” Javier deepened his voice at her.

“No, you think you’re a hero because you, what, executed a bunch of farmers to get me out so that my husband would testify for you?” Christina’s hand gripped yours harder and you tried to keep your calm. You could feel Javier’s gaze glued to your face and you didn’t turn to see him. Not ready to see in his face what you thought you had heard in his voice.

“I did what I had to do and I’m sorry for what happened to you,” your head snapped almost involuntarily at him, your eyes wide and your mouth parted in surprise. He tried to remain serious but he knew you almost completely and you knew him as well. You saw in his face that he really didn’t mean it, you saw in his face that he was only saying it because his ego was hurt. And you noticed in the way he was avoiding your eyes that he knew you already knew. Un fucking believable.

“No,” Christina looked at him and made a quirk that told you she really didn’t believe him, and you couldn’t help but notice the difference at the gesture her face made the night before, when you told her the same thing. You bit your lip to avoid popping out and ask her why she did believe you but didn’t believe him, but you were pretty sure you already knew why. “no you’re not, and you know it,” your gaze stayed in Javier’s face, in his thumb brushing his lower lip, in how his eyes looked at everything but you or her or himself, on how he had stretched his legs to the sides and left his hand hanging, and you saw it, one of his many faces but not the one you were expecting to see, not the one you wanted to see. The agent face. The police enforcement mask, one that showed, maybe even unconsciously, that he only cared about the operative, about the mission, about the main goal. Not about the woman that had lived through hell and he had pulled her out of there himself “you’re a piece of shit.”

Christina turned to the front, still holding your hand and your eyes were trying to get Javier to look at you.

Javier knew himself, he couldn’t bear to look at you because he knew you already had a pretty clear idea of what was going through his head and he was embarrassed. Because he knew you cared, he knew you cared deeply and he felt guilty that he didn’t care as much as you did, he felt embarrassed at the fact that he couldn’t bring himself to care. He wanted to, he really did, but he was just so damn tired.

Exhausted didn’t convey exactly how he felt, he didn't even know if there was a word that could fully express how he was feeling sitting there in the middle of an almost empty waiting room in an airport waiting to take a woman he had promised himself to take care of to convince her husband to risk his life and betray his employers.

Javier thought Christina was right, he was a piece of shit. A piece of shit that didn't deserve to look at your beautiful, ever understanding eyes.

Javier didn’t look at you, and you didn’t like the way he was acting. And for a brief moment you saw a flash of something running through his face. It was anger but wasn’t, it was sadness but not quite, it looked like pride. Was his… ego, hurt?

The time to board the flight came and you felt Christina relax besides you. The whole convoy of police enforcement was escorting Christina to the gate when Javier’s phone rang.

“Yeah,” Javier answered the call and you turned to look at him next to you, “yeah, we’re about to get on the plane, we’ll be in Miam–” he was suddenly cut off, he stopped walking and you did too, Christina saw you and turned to see what was going on “when?” he asked into the phone and a shiver went down your spine, the woman beside you felt your body stiffen as Javier finally looked into your eyes and with one single glance told you everything, “let me call you back.”

“What happened?” Christina asked, trembling next to you, as if she already knew the answer.

“He’s dead” you murmured, still looking into Javier’s eyes. You felt a heavy pull next to you and suddenly a pair of officers were next to you. Christina was collapsing on the floor.

Javier’s eyes fell to Christina as yours filled with unwanted tears. Why were you crying? you quickly tried to analyze what you were feeling and learned that it wasn’t really because of the case, the case and the trial and the testimony was all shit anyway, you knew it, but he didn’t.

It was because your mind was playing with the parallels. You related to Christina even if she didn’t relate to you, and now she lost her husband, while Javier was standing in front of you feeling guilty for all the pain he thought he had caused. You could see the irony, then the question was if you were about to lose Javier as well.

“She needs to go to Miami anyway,” Javier said to you a few moments later. You nodded. His eyes were in yours and he stole a handgrip from you “let’s go,” he said, aiming to walk away from the gate, you frowned at him, giving him a look that asked him if he was out of his mind. He felt a tug in his chest, knowing already you would fight his plea.

“Don’t leave,” Christina was being helped to stand and she grabbed your other hand, making Javier drop the one he had taken, you could see the hesitancy in his face.

“She’s gonna be escorted all the way back to Miami,” Javier’s tone was dubious, the way you were looking at him made him doubt himself for the briefest of moments.

“I’m gonna go with her and make sure she gets to safety” you said. Javier sighed at your willful tone of voice.

“Florencia,” he called and you tightened your jaw, you knew he knew better than to try and contradict you right there and then.

“I’m going,” your voice softened slightly and you turned to Christina “can you go ahead and board? I’ll be right behind you,” you reassured her, she nodded slowly and one of your partners helped her get to the gate, you turned back to look at Javier, noticing how much he was struggling to come up with something to say. “whatever that was, back in the waiting room, I need space from that,” you blinked your unshed tears away and he just nodded back at you, knowing exactly what you were talking about and understanding, begrudgingly, why you wanted to be away from him for a while “I’ll be back tonight and maybe we can talk,”

“I don't thin–”

“Javier,” you cut him off, shaking your head softly to stop him “I’ll see you when I get back.”

Your hand reached to his wrist and you gripped it as strongly as you could for a few seconds, his eyes seemed a bit lost and even though you knew he was having a thousand and one reasons to not let you go, to keep you in Bogotá with him, to need you with him, you had one strong reason to get away from him at least for a day.

One that made you feel hypocritical and traitorous; if he reacted with little empathy and pride to what Christina had told him, how the fuck would he react when you told him the truth?

So you let go of him, gave him a last stare and turned around to walk to the gate, board the plane and take Christina home. For the first time, while flying through the Gulf of Mexico, you had plenty of time to think about all the mess that you had gotten into. And your mind came to one conclusion: there was no way on earth that Javier would forgive you for what you were doing to him.

←previous // next→

pedrito's perma list: @queenofthefaceless @northernpunk @pascalesque @sleep-tight1 @cheekygeek05 @bii-aan-ckaa @letaliabane @starlightmornings @mouthymandalorianalso

Javi's babies: @pulplorrd

RushBit tag list: @shestillwrites1 @absurdthirst @supernaturalgirl @alliterative-albatross @disgruntledspacedad @thoughtfulpandawasteland @wifeofdindjarin @lank-sextburg @the-ginger-hedge-witch @helloannbananalove @diogodxlot @pascalslittlebrat @sarahjkl82-blog @pedritobalmando @a-court-of-feysand-and-elorcan @mamacitapascal @dobbyjen

119 notes · View notes