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indelibleevidence · 4 years

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Mutual Pining

Author’s Note: I couldn’t help it. I saw that ‘mutual pining’ trope artwork and had to turn it into Jeller mutually pining for each other while shopping for and decorating Christmas (pine) trees. I feel like I should apologise for the terrible pun... Anyway, this is @holidayblindspot day 28, set after 1x06 but before 1x09.

***

“Umm…Kurt?”

He turned down the radio, glancing over at her. “Something on your mind?”

Jane looked out at the stalled traffic around them, seeming a little hesitant, before focusing back on him. “Do you have a Christmas tree?”

Of all the things that Kurt had expected her to ask, this wasn’t one of them. “Usually I don’t bother, but since Sawyer’s living with me at the moment, I’ll be picking one up at some point soon. Why?”

“I was just wondering where you’d get one. It’s not like they have them at the minimart.”

Kurt attempted to hide his amusement. The things Jane knew, or didn’t know, sometimes surprised him. She could put together a sniper rifle without thinking about it, but buying a Christmas tree was foreign to her. “You want to come with me when I get mine? There’s a Christmas tree farm just outside the city. I was planning to take Sawyer this weekend.”

“I don’t want to intrude on your family time,” Jane demurred.

“You’re not intruding.” In fact, he wished she was a little more inclined to spend time with him outside of work, so that he could work on helping her with her memories of their childhood.

Sure, Kurt, that’s the only reason you want to spend time with a beautiful, athletic brunette.

He ignored his inner monologue, and told Jane, “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t mean it.”

“In that case, sure. I’d love to come along.” She smiled. “I guess I should go ornament shopping in preparation.”

Kurt eased the car a few feet forward, then hit the brake again as the car in front came to a stop. Rush hour in New York was rarely a rush.

“You don’t seem like the kind of person who’d go in for all the Christmas stuff,” he said.

“Yeah, I sort of don’t think I am, either. But everyone else is doing it, and I sort of want something normal in my life, so…” She shrugged.

Oh, Jane… He resisted the urge to reach out and take her hand, wishing her life wasn’t so confusing and difficult on a daily basis. Only a few days ago, they’d argued over her suggestion that she and a witness in a case could spend time together socially, and he knew she struggled with not having any friends outside of the FBI.

He changed the subject, hoping to lighten her mood. “Don’t worry, Sawyer knows the truth about Santa Claus now, so you don’t have to pretend.”

“What’s the truth about Santa Claus?” she asked, wide-eyed, and then laughed at his uncertain reaction. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Even with the ZIP, that one has filtered through to me.”

Rolling his eyes, Kurt turned up the radio again, while Jane snickered.

***

“Can we get a really big tree?” Sawyer asked excitedly, as they walked through the rows of pre-cut trees, already wrapped in netting and ready for transport.

“Not too big, buddy. Remember, we have to get our tree and Jane’s strapped to the top of the car at the same time.” The height of the tree wouldn’t affect that too much, but Sawyer didn’t need to know that. Kurt didn’t mind having a Christmas tree, but if left to pick on his own, his nephew would select one taller than the ceiling of the apartment.

“‘Cut your own tree’,” Sawyer read from a sign, and looked around at his uncle, a pleading look in his eyes. “Can we cut our own? Look, they have axes you can use.”

“Hey, let me handle the sharp objects, okay?” Kurt pulled Sawyer back, wincing at the idea of returning Sarah’s child covered in blood and pine needles.

Jane hefted an axe as though it weighed nothing, studying it critically. “This one looks like it’ll do.”

Kurt tried not to let his appreciation of her axe-handling technique show. “Let’s find some good trees, then.”

He and Jane hung back while Sawyer dashed between trees excitedly, searching for the perfect one.

“That’s cute,” Jane said, keeping her voice down so it didn’t reach Sawyer.

“He’s growing up fast, but he still has his moments.” After a moment, he held out his hand for the axe she held. “Want me to take that? Unless you want to be the lumberjack today…?”

“I think I’ll just get one of the pre-packaged ones by the entrance. I’m not that particular.” She handed over the axe, her gloved hand brushing his.

Why was it that even though they were both wearing gloves, the moment seemed intimate?

Kurt shook off the thought and called to Sawyer, warning him not to stray too far.

“I found some really good ones!” Sawyer called back.

After scaling down Sawyer’s expectations a little, they finally came across some trees about Kurt’s height, and he set about cutting one down. “Keep back with Jane, okay, buddy? I don’t want to hit you by mistake.”

The trunk of the pine tree wasn’t especially thick, but the axe had enough weight to it that Kurt was a little out of breath by the time the tree swayed and began to topple.

“Timber!” Sawyer yelled gleefully, running forward to ‘catch’ the tree. “It smells like Christmas.”

Smiling at his nephew’s enthusiasm, Kurt glanced back at Jane, finding her eyes already on him. Seeming a little flustered, she bit her lip and looked away for a moment, then came forward to join them. “You guys need a hand?”

“I want to help Uncle Kurt carry the tree. But you could take the axe?” Sawyer suggested.

“Sure,” she told Sawyer. “Just let me know if you get too tired with the tree, all right?”

“I won’t get tired. I’m ten now.”

Amused, Jane held out her hand, and Kurt carefully transferred the axe back into her grip. “Sure you don’t want one of these trees, too?”

“I’m good,” Jane said. “I was thinking something maybe half the size of this one.”

“You’ve never heard the phrase ‘go big or go home’?” Kurt teased. “If you’re having one, might as well make it count.”

She shook her head, smiling shyly. “If I feel the need for a bigger tree after I decorate mine, I’ll just come over and enjoy yours. Does that work?”

For some reason, that image gave Kurt a warm glow in his chest. “Well, you know you’re welcome to come and have Christmas dinner with us, right?”

They began to walk slowly back towards the entrance to the tree farm, Kurt carrying the tree’s weight on his shoulder, and Sawyer tagging along behind, ‘supporting’ the top of the tree. It made no difference to Kurt’s burden, but he pretended it did, for Sawyer’s sake.

“I, um…” Jane said, looking down at the ground. Kurt guessed she was remembering the last time she’d had a meal at their place, when she’d freaked out halfway through dinner and run out on them.

“Don’t worry, it’s Uncle Kurt who’s cooking, not mom,” Sawyer chipped in.

“Hey, your mom’s gonna help peel potatoes and stuff.” Kurt had always given Sarah a hard time about her cooking, but he didn’t want her son to pick up the habit.

“Can you cook, Taylor? I mean, Jane?” Sawyer asked.

“Uhhh, only a little. I’m not great. Your uncle is probably the best cook here,” Jane admitted ruefully.

“I thought girls were supposed to be good cooks, and Mom was just weird.”

Kurt laid the tree down carefully, handing it over to the tree farm workers, who began to bundle it up. “Nah, I know lots of girls who can’t cook. Lots of girls who can, too.”

“And lots of girls who can fight, right?” Sarah must have been giving her son a lecture on gender equality.

“Yeah, I work with lots of girls who fight. Like Jane—we do practice fights so we know how to take down the bad guys, and she can win nine times out of ten.” And it’s hot as hell.

Sawyer stared at Jane in open admiration. “That’s awesome.”

Jane laughed. “Maybe I can show you some moves sometime. But only if your mom and uncle say it’s okay.”

Sawyer immediately turned to Kurt with a pleading look.

“Ask your mom. If it’s okay with her, then it’s okay with me.” Sorry, Sarah. I’m not wading into this one.

Sawyer sighed. “It probably won’t be okay. But I’ll ask.”

***

Jane had let her protective detail know she was returning home—being transferred back from Kurt’s responsibility to theirs, though she hated having any detail at all—a few minutes into the drive home, and they were in their usual position on the street as Kurt pulled to a stop outside her place building.

“You wait in the car for a second, okay, buddy?” he said to his nephew, and went to check with the agents that Jane’s place was clear.

Jane got out of the car, inhaling the pine fragrance of the trees strapped to the roof rack as she waited for Kurt to give the all-clear. He returned, and together they took her small tree off the rack.

“Still think you should have got a bigger one,” he told her, shaking his head as he looked down at it. It was around Sawyer’s height.

“I’ll start small, and work up to a bigger one next year, maybe.” She smiled up at him. “Thank you for this. I had fun.”

“Need any help getting that inside?” he asked, though his tone of voice indicated he already knew the answer.

“I’m good. Don’t make Sawyer wait to start decorating your tree any longer.”

Kurt nodded, his breath misting in the freezing air. “The offer for Christmas dinner still stands. No pressure, but I don’t like to think of you having to celebrate Christmas alone.”

“Can I let you know, a few days ahead of time?” Jane asked. The last thing she wanted was to cause drama on Christmas Day by freaking out again, but she also felt the pull of having Kurt and his family around.

“Sure.” He pulled the cords tethering the other tree to the roof rack tighter, then stepped back. “See you on Monday, okay?”

“Yeah. Have fun with the tree.”

He smiled, his gaze somehow too gentle for her to bear. “You, too.”

Hoping she wasn’t blushing at the attention, Jane bent a little to wave goodbye to Sawyer through the car window. He waved back enthusiastically. When she straightened, Kurt was already opening the driver’s door, so she stepped back, lifting her tree and giving him room.

He buckled his seatbelt and glanced around, raising a hand in farewell. She gave a small wave and a smile, then turned away as he put the car into gear.

Maybe if Sawyer hadn’t been with them, he would have come in to help her decorate her own tree. Maybe stayed for some beer and a little conversation not related to work. But that wasn’t going to happen, and as she carried the tree into her living room, Jane tried to convince herself it was better that way.

It wasn’t like she had any mistletoe handy, even if he had come in. And the one time she’d tried to make her feelings for him known, he’d left her apartment in a hurry. He wouldn’t take mistletoe as a cue for more than a quick kiss on the cheek, anyway.

She wished she had a better context for the way she felt, and for the way he acted around her. Not remembering any of her past flirtations or relationships made her uncertain. Sometimes she was so powerfully attracted to him, like when she’d watched him cutting down the Christmas tree earlier. There was something so masculine about the way he’d moved, setting her stomach aflutter with butterflies. And sometimes when he looked at her, she could swear she saw her interest returned.

Maybe she just wanted that so badly that she was convincing herself of things that weren’t real.

Sighing, she slotted the tree’s trunk into the stand she’d bought just for this purpose, then stepped back, looking around for her scissors to cut away the netting that bound the pine’s limbs.

At least she could decorate her Christmas tree now, and try not to think about Kurt doing the same thing, only a few blocks away.

***

The lights were finally on the tree, though it had taken a lot of work to untangle them from the pile he’d left them in after he’d last used them, several years ago. Kurt stepped back and held up his hands. “Okay, you guys can go nuts with the ornaments now. I’m done.”

As Sawyer dove forward to start slotting ornaments onto branches, Sarah leaned over to her brother, speaking quietly so that the kid couldn’t hear. “Kurt and Taylor, shopping for a tree, K-I-S-S-I—”

“Shut up,” he told his irritating little sister, sighing.

“You’re pining for her. It’s so obvious.” Sarah sorted through the box of tinsel and tree ornaments, a smug smile on her face.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He went into the kitchen to pour himself some of the mulled wine Sarah had heated on the stove.

“Hey, Sawyer, did you have fun with Taylor today?” Sarah called to her son.

“Yeah, she’s cool. Uncle Kurt says she can kick his butt in sparring practice too.”

“Really?” Sarah arched her eyebrow knowingly at Kurt.

“You’re reaching a little, here,” he told her, rolling his eyes.

“I remember that summer you were fifteen and you fell in love with Emily Lockwood, and you two were joined at the lips. You had that exact same puppy-dog look on your face when you had to go back to military school in the fall.” Sarah shook her head. “You might as well admit it.”

“Sarah, just quit it, okay?”

“You should go over there and help her with her tree lights. Take a few extra ornaments over. And this…” Sarah pulled a piece of plastic mistletoe out of the box and tossed it at him.

“You really think that’s how to hit on women?” he deflected, staring down at the mistletoe in his hands.

Sarah shrugged. “It would work on me.”

“I’m not making a move on Taylor Shaw,” Kurt said irritably, and sipped some mulled wine.

“Okay…but just ask yourself this: how are you going to feel if some other guy does, huh?” Sarah picked up a pile of laundry from the back of the couch and headed into the bedroom, leaving Kurt alone to ponder her question.

Kurt sat on the arm of the couch, staring at the half-decorated tree, and tried not to imagine Jane smiling up at some other guy, reaching up to put her arms around his neck and gazing at him with those expressive hazel eyes.

Jealousy wasn’t a good look on anyone, but he couldn’t deny that it was ripping through his chest at the thought of Jane with someone else. And she wouldn’t always be as socially isolated as she was right now. Sooner or later, someone would hit on her, and if she was interested in return, there would be nothing Kurt could do about it.

Only he already knew she was interested in him, and he’d already backed away.

You. You’re my starting point.

I’ll see you tomorrow.

And he’d practically run out of there, the memory of her heart pounding against his palm forever branded into his mind. Not his finest moment, but he’d needed time to think. And then he’d put off deciding what to do about it, deeming it too complicated an issue to untangle.

But as far as Jane knew, he’d rejected her. Sometimes when she looked at him, he still saw traces of the longing he’d seen in her face that night, but it was always involuntary, always quickly hidden away when she realised he was watching her.

If another man did come along and show an interest in her, she’d have no reason to think she should hold out hope for a relationship with Kurt.

By the time Sarah got back to the living room to check on her son, Kurt was gone. And so was the piece of plastic mistletoe.

***

Jane draped the tree lights in a spiralling pattern for the third time, scowling as the tiny damn bulbs refused to stay where she wanted them. Finally disentangling herself from the branches again, she stepped back and hit the switch to power the lights on, half convinced this whole tree decoration project was something she was doomed to fail.

The lights came on, and Jane smiled for the first time since she’d started attempting to decorate. To her artist’s eye, it wasn’t perfect, but it would do.

A knock at her door made her frown. She wasn’t expecting anyone, and she knew better than to think it was Kurt—or at least, that was what she assumed until she opened the door.

“Hey,” he said, as she blinked up at him in confusion. “Thought you might need a few extra ornaments, so…” He held up a small cardboard box with ‘Xmas tree’ scrawled over the side in marker pen.

She stepped back to let him in, wondering if she looked as dishevelled and undignified as she felt, after her three tussles with the tree so far. “Don’t you need those for your tree?”

He shrugged, shutting the door behind him. “Sarah bought a couple of new sets this year, and since this is your first time decorating a tree, I figured you might have underestimated how much you can fit on one. Nice work with the lights, by the way.”

“Thanks,” she said, glancing back at the tree. “It took me three tries, and it’s still a little uneven, but I can live with that.”

“Looks fine to me.”

And you look fine to me. Jane shrugged off the appreciative thought and remembered her manners. “Do you want coffee, or a beer, or something?”

“I drove over, so probably best to stick to coffee. Thanks.”

Jane headed for the kitchen, wondering why it always felt so different in her apartment when she was alone with Kurt. Work was still a whole day and night away, and she still wasn’t quite sure how to react to him in a social context. At least earlier, Sawyer had been there as a kind of buffer between them. Now they were alone, she was a little lost.

“Want help decorating, or shall I just sit and watch?” Kurt called from the living room.

“Go ahead and get started. Sitting and watching me decorate a Christmas tree sounds like the most boring thing in the world, so you might as well help.”

She brought in their coffee a few minutes later, to find he’d started decorating from the bottom up. After putting down the mugs, Jane reached for the star tree-topper she’d bought, ready to place it on the top, but Kurt gently intercepted her hand.

“The star goes on last.”

She looked down at the glittery golden star ornament, and his fingers wrapped around her wrist, damning her traitorous pulse for speeding up at his touch. “Is that a Weller rule, or a generally accepted thing?”

“No, it’s really what you’re supposed to do.” He smiled up at her from his crouch on the floor, and she tried not to melt. “Though come to think of it, I don’t know why. Bad luck, or something.”

“Well, I’ve had about as much bad luck as I can stand this year,” she said dryly, putting down the tree topper. She dropped to her knees beside the ornament box he’d brought over. Sorting through the contents, she turned over a fake sprig of mistletoe, but didn’t pull it out, feeling as though her earlier thoughts about kissing Kurt underneath some were stamped on her forehead.

They worked efficiently together, spacing ornaments apart and debating what colours should go where. Kurt seemed to favour simple ornaments and tinsel in warm colours, which Jane appreciated. She’d seen a few post-modern Christmas trees decorated in colder colours—they never looked quite as pleasing to her eye as the traditional ones.

Sitting back to get a better sense of the overall effect, Jane reached for her coffee cup and took a sip. “Think we need anything else?”

Kurt studied their handiwork, then stood up. “Just the tree topper. I’ll let you do the honours.”

Jane carefully positioned the golden star at the top of the tree, then nodded. “Looks good.”

“We’re not done yet.”

Jane frowned, getting up from the floor. “I thought the tree topper had to be last?”

“The last thing you put on the tree, yeah. But after that, you have to turn off the other lights so you can admire the finished effect.”

As she came to his side, he hit the light switch near the door, plunging the room into semi-darkness. On the other side of the room, the tree shone and sparkled, looking as festive as any she’d seen in store windows or on TV.

“Pretty,” she said softly, wondering how a tree with a few trinkets hung from its branches could make her feel so warm inside.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice equally soft.

When Jane glanced over, he was watching her, not the tree. The illumination from the tree lights was bright enough to highlight his features, though she couldn’t read his eyes in this light.

Was he calling her pretty? Or was she looking for affection that wasn’t on offer?

Kurt reached into the box he’d set down on the couch, and withdrew something she couldn’t quite see. When he turned back to her, her heart jumped at the slight smile on his face.

“I don’t have to explain this to you, do I?”

She stared at the piece of fake mistletoe he held up between them, half convinced it was something else, and she was just wishing it was the mistletoe. But then he held it higher, above their heads, and murmured, “Merry Christmas, Jane.”

“Merry Christmas,” she echoed, her voice barely above a whisper.

She had no idea what he expected from her. A kiss on the cheek? A peck on the lips? Or more? His shadowed eyes told her nothing, and she wanted to slam her hand onto the light switch so that she could read him better.

But then he slipped his fingers up the edge of her jaw, tilting her head up, and she caught her breath, closing her eyes as he brushed a brief, tentative kiss over her lips.

Too soon, he moved back, leaving her speechless and aroused.

“I didn’t want to let today end without doing that,” he said, his voice holding a slight note of uncertainty, as though he wasn’t sure of his reception. “But if—”

Jane pulled his head back down to meet her lips, cutting off his words and pouring everything she had into returning his kiss. He drew her closer, both arms around her waist, and Jane had no idea where the mistletoe was now, but she didn’t care as long as he kept kissing her like this, his tongue flirting with hers as she leaned against him.

Kurt pulled back, putting a little distance between his body and hers, and Jane tried not to think about why he didn’t want to be pressed against her right now. Her self-control was already close to breaking point.

“Jane?” he said huskily. The question in his voice made her want to laugh. How could he doubt how she felt?

“Is it good luck or bad to make out in front of a Christmas tree?” she asked.

“I think it has to be good luck, right?” He smiled.

“And in our profession, we need all the good luck we can get.”

“True.” He nuzzled her neck, sending a tingle down her spine.

“How about, um, other things near a Christmas tree?”

His fingers tightened on her waist, and he pulled her close again. For the first time, she felt the press of his steel-hard cock against her abdomen, and her need for him surged.

“Well, since the floor is still covered in pine needles, unless you want to vacuum first, I’m gonna go with bad luck.”

Oh. Good point. She stifled disappointment, knowing Kurt was cautious by nature. Of course he wouldn’t want to rush things—

He slid his hands over her ass, then down to the backs of her thighs, lifting her off her feet. Instinctively, Jane clung to him, wrapping her legs around his waist, unable to help but laugh despite the intensity of the moment. “What—?”

Kurt’s voice was somewhere between amused and lustful. “But I hear beds are good luck, so if you happen to have one nearby…”

“I think we can find one somewhere,” Jane agreed breathlessly, and watched the Christmas tree lights recede as he carried her through to the bedroom.

By the time she and Kurt located the bed, clothing already strewn on the floor around them, Jane had forgotten the tree, the decorations, and even the abandoned mistletoe.

END.

#mutual pining #blindspot #jeller #blindspot fanfic #jeller fic #blindspot season 1 #christmas fic

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