#so I've gotta make myself something

[front-facing-pokemon]

#tropius #HE SO APPY!!! FUCK!!! HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS ONE #i've never looked at tropius up close before i didn't even know they had a little helmet and shit. this is WONDERFUL. they're SO appy #i hope you all appreciate this as much as i do because this is very good. i don't even know anything about tropius. jack SHIT. except that #they're so appy. and i will accept this. i gotta work but i've been too busy thinking abt how appy they are #i also started the process of remaking my main blog. bc it just had a lot of posts on it all the way back to way back in my past #and i felt like it was weighing the whole blog down and making me not want to use it. and that blog needed some housekeeping for me to want #to associate myself with it. so i'm currently in the process of coming up with a new URL before i start really renovating #so the hunt for miss ffp starts anew or something. unless i've lazily replied to you in a comment once and you remember my url #i've done that to a few of you. demifiendcruithne is one. shoutouts to you demifiendcruithne you're the best #then there was that one who assumed i use windows. despite recognizing that i'm “rather techy.” yuck! #had to respond to that one to clear up any suspicion that i might be a windows user. this is all totally unrelated and also will be #totally irrelevant by the time this post gets up anyway. hopefully. y'know if i haven't come up with a new url by then then #i mean. that's my fault. but this isn't gonna post until july 23rd. 10 days from today. so. hopefully! #see you all then

[raiiny-bay]

updated my simself specifically to make this

#i've actually been wanting to do a render of me & the boys for a while #but i hate that kelly is taller than me #like. the audacity of him yk #but also i just can't find an accurate hair for myself #i'm just gonna have to learn how to make stuff bc kel & i both need proper curly hair #n e way. i had the urge to try my hand at animation again so. that's probably what i'll be doing in my free time for a bit #kel's birthday & the boys' 10 year anniversary is in april so i gotta plan something fun for that at some point #i realize that's still a couple of months away but #i have no idea what i want to do for either of those yet & i would really like to plan ahead #i'm not much of a plan ahead kind of person #rainyrambles #dl maybe

[vraska-theunseen]

i keep dismissing societal concepts i think are silly in my head and so i go around being like we made this up it's so pointless... abt like copyright law or whatever but then i kind of lock myself in an echo chamber of my own brain where i go around thinking stuff and then i have a conversation with a friend where i find out they put weight in [concept] i've dismissed like they're talking about how IQ is real and measurable and important for statistics and im like WHAT THE HELL...

#ive gotta talk to people more i did learn from that conversation a little bit #i think we had fundamentally different points that were flying past each other like they were saying iq is real and it's valuable for #statistics bc it's something that u can take over and over at different times and get the same result and therefore it can be solidly #extrapolated for different demographics and then that can be attributed to different things like chemical spills or economic inequality or #whatever and i wasn't saying that wasn't true but i was more arguing that it's silly the weight people give it outside of a metric of #statistics like the way people who i've talked to give value to it in real life is stupid bc i've talked to several people who have been #like oh you're so smart that makes me feel bad and im like it means nothing its just a percentage on a test everyone has different #aptitudes for things and that's what's meaningful out in the real world barring its usefulness in statistics #i also wasn't good at explaining myself i didn't really say what i said above i said like half of it poorly #alex talks

[savage-rhi]

✨️Magenta✨️

#I've been really sad lately #its logical I've had a lot happen and a lot going on #and I've been mostly bedridden the past week cause of fibro flares #my brain can see the logic of why my body feels burnt out and why i feel anxious #but i also have this profound sense of loneliness that's been weighing on my chest #I feel the need to isolate and get away from people because it feels like it doesn't matter how much i try to blend in someone #will catch onto me being an “alien” or not quite fitting their mold or having a difference of opinion and i get bullied or ostracized #out of participating with folks or doing activities #and i get so overwhelmed by people and their literal energy/vibes that it feels as though I'm caught in a sneaker wave and being pulled #from shore and this is compounded on top of that feeling of being surrounded by people like tons of them who may even enjoy your company #but still feel very much isolated and alone the whole time #it could be winter triggering trauma responses in me due to childhood abuse related to the holidays #and then there's me trying to brainstorm how i can make money with my creativity when i have little to no help with anyone #and no one will give me a chance to bounce ideas and get a third persons opinion #its felt like this since i can remember: people value that i listen and reflect all the while show compassion #and then when i really need it myself and attempt to reach out i get the door shut in my face #it feels like the only people that have truly listened to me are therapists lmao and it hurts cause its like i gotta pay someone #just to listen to me go off on this idea i have for a side hustle a creative pursuit something i love #and i can't really share that with anyone irl because I'm supposed to be everyones therapist #and its shitty i dont get paid for it if thats the case lol #i feel like tumblr is the only spot I really have where i can share a lot of myself and make things that make others and myself happy #i don't know what id do without it #magenta is my safe word for venting #thanks for coming to my tedtalk as i write into the void #getting shit off my chest at 4am #i aint gettin no sleep cause of yall yall not gon get no sleep cause of meeee

[atalana]

having one of those nights where i'm just. extremely frustrated about fatphobia's existence and the fact that whatever i do to try and change it will be a drop in the ocean and there'll always be people who think i'm just saying this because i'm lazy

#and by night i mean its 5am but shhhhh #what sucks is i was actually building my acting confidence back up quite a bit with my delirium stuff #and i still do wanna do more of that! #but i got reminded that regardless of how good an actor i am i don't meet the 'must be this skinny to have emotions' bar #so i could only ever play her over the internet where people can't see my body #which is especially dumb bc she has like 60% of a physical form at best and yet its always a skinny one #and like i love sandman but it has a fatphobia problem. and the show has not exactly rectified it #kinda wanna draw despair skinny and the other endless not to turn the whole depression = overweight thing on its head #bc hell depression also = underweight and frankly i'd rather have no fat characters at all than her be the only one #but i fear that would get misconstrued and i don't wanna bring down that kinda hate on my head #and like i know i can't change what i look like i've tried i gotta be happy with this eventually #but i see no difference between comic despair and myself in the mirror #and sometimes it makes me feel like im two minutes away from growing tusks #so whoooooo oversharing on the internet #just. i wanna punch something but the something is society so unfortunately that's not really possible #okay to rb if you want i give zero fucks about this being shared im just keeping it in the tags bc that's polite

[transmechanicus]

It is sunday night. I remain exhausted.

#my stuff #i tried everything this weekend and nothing is healing my Existential Ambivalence #like i know i cooked and i saw friends and i did my hobbies and normally i'd be proud of myself for all that but i just...don't care #i wanna call out sick or something tomorrow. I'm worried about my finances and i genuinely think im gonna have to move somewhere cheaper #like i was expecting my tax return to offset the slow bleed of money from my savings each month and that Is Not Happening #And its not like i have any way to Make More Money #bc im a grad student and we're contractually prevented from doing so #So that means i'll need to move when my lease is up this summer and i really don't fucking want to #i like where i live i just wish it wasn't so goddamn expensive on rent #even like $200 cheaper would be world changing for me #but no instead i gotta look at my bills after power and car insurance and food and be like oops guess i lost $100 this month #and god forbid i get coffee or eat out in the cheapest way possible bc somehow that adds up to like $100 the second i look away #im sick of being anxious about this!! im not eating enough as it is!! #i also don't wanna get a fucking roommate bc i don't want someone in a space i've come to consider my own #like sorry but im transgender do not fucking look at me stranger #so the only real solution is to move and that's such a fucking hassle and it doesn't solve the problem now and i just want this to get bettr #i wish all students a very $2000 raise forever #and all landlords a very Scrooge Moment that makes you cut my rent in half #ave omnissiah

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #fuck. I might just be a straight woman. #like. I like men. and the more I transition the more I vibe with binary womanhood. #sure I don't like getting shoved into restrictive femininity. but I vibe with womanhood as separate from femininity. #anyway. I might be straight. and In ten years it's very possible that being trans becomes a much less huge part of my life #because it will stop being something that I do and something that I wish for and simply something that I am #yeah yeah whatever hi my name is Reggie and I like men #I just. as much as I don't like certain restrictive gender roles I find myself slotting very comfortably into others #and I realize that my idea of gender and their roles was very much shaped by my female role models growing up #and a lot of the disconnect and distress when growing up was due to not being able to follow the path everyone else did. #all my girl friends were growing up into women and I was stuck on the man track. #and being gay was the closest I could get to being myself #but I'm closer than I've ever been before to being able to live my truth as myself #still not gonna shave my legs unless it's sometime in the future for a very specific event. #I like them fuzzy. they make me feel cool. #I like having some cultural masculinity still. I just don't want to be defined by it #talking about my binary trans experience is always a little weird because I'm aware of how binary I'm describing things #and I get that if my words were used to describe someone else's experience it might end up sounding hella transphobic #but these words are for me. they're my experience. they're my life not someone else's. #and this is how my identity works. #it's like how feminism protects the right of trad wives to be trad wives. #we just gotta recognize that just because one woman wants to be the designated dishwasher not every woman feels that way. #anyway. I might be dating a guy by this time next week. he's cool so far and we kinda got match-made by a mutual friend #we watched Redline tonight and it's hella good #he's really cool but I feel like I've got something to provide and to bring to the relationship. so we're still on peer-level I think. #which is new. usually I'm way ahead of the other person. maybe my fault for fishing in the bad fish barrel #the emotionally damaged and burdened fish barrel.

[corvid-language-library]

@ocs-and-chapters dw most of my first week of 2024 was looking for more textbooks for Japanese.

I do love a good textbook! Let us know if you find any you like :) I'm still working with Minna No Nihongo atm (going through all the chapters in order which means recapping some very basic stuff rn, but I can't bring myself to just skip chapter lmao). I have Nihongo Somatome N4 too which is a good overview of N4 grammar, plus Japanese Tutor from the Teach Yourself series, which is... uhh. Well, let's just say I was disappointed.

#what does the jay say #honestly i'm not frustrated about being *ahem* ''unproductive'' last week #maybe it sounded like i was or that i was making excuses or something #but genuinely i'm so exhausted #breaking up with someone you love and then having 1 week to extract yourself from the life you spent 7 years building together #while he's still in that house and his way of processing the break-up is very extroverted (which means having to put my introversion aside) #all while not really having much in the way of support from friends or family... it's been tough #throw in jetlag and 24 hours of travelling each way on top of that #i'm really not mad at myself for surviving and needing some time to pull myself together #i just wish i had a bit more of it. but i don't get sick days and i already used up my 5 days of annual PTO so i've just gotta deal with it

[thecodeveronica]

One thing with writing that is hard for me is settings and describing characters in relation to where they are. Like... when I visualize things when reading - or even just daydreaming - it all happens in a void. Just... no real backdrop or anything until it's relevant, and ONLY when it's relevant. So I have to remind myself that, yes, I should probably mention where they are at sometimes.

#in my current attempt at writing there is a hospital #but i keep forgetting to even make that clear because obviously i the author know that but #without being in my head nobody else would so i suppose i should actually mention that sometimes lmao #and i'm just like... UHHHHHHH where is everyone at what room are they in #i don't wanna get all “My Immortal” with extraneous details but i also know i gotta do SOMETHING #like walking down a sterile hallway... i don't really know how to describe that since my brain just defaults to the action but not the area #guess it's something i just have to practice on #that's why i've resigned myself to a one-shot first #at worst it's practice; at best maybe i'll actually like it #look at me trying to be optimistic lmao that's a new one #h.text

[loving-delusions]

had to go and block an irl friend of mine here erg ergerg egr erg

self isolation is crazy

#rambles #ik im isolating and it's not good but God Dammit I don't want to think of anything else rn #there's this heavy weight in my chest that wont go and it's getting heavier the more i think about irl stuff #There's something severely wrong with me. #I won't stop until the face I see in the mirror is unrecognizable. #That's when I know I've done it. I've changed myself so much that I'm finally someone I'm not. #Because I know that's the only way I could be a better person. #I tell them how heavy the weight is but they never understand it and simply chalk it up to me making excuses because I'm /lazy/. #So I don't tell them about it anymore #I'll resolve this on my own. That's why I isolate myself. Don't you get it. #I should've done it months ago I should've done it I shouldn't have been a fucking IDIOT and think I even have the slightest chance to chang #e and be better #because it will never happen. #// vent #vent tag #vent tw #aheemm.. anyways :3 gotta tag this appropriately fr #aheheh

[agayconcept]

.

#gotta love (heavy sarcasm) my mother gwtting angry when i apply thru disability for help cleaning the apartment #bc she flat out refuses to do so and its massively inaccessible to the point where i cant exist in it #and she views me finally caving and applying for help as me 'tattling' / 'reporting' her for being a shit person #(which lets be clear- i wont comment on but uh. she does Suck w this stuff. she's the most self-serving person i've ever met) #rather than me just. uhm trying to exist #as a disabled person #without injuring myself constantly due to accessibility issues #like #how did i get here #what tf is going on in her brain #to be Extremely Clear: we have been having this discussion for 2+ years on a monthly basis #she Refuses to lift a finger and regularly makes the living space less accessible out of simply not giving a fuck #or something akin to laziness but i dont wanna use that word bc i dont think its entirely that simple #regardless of it all tho #how can u be angry at ur disabled child for trying to get extra help to accomplish something u have not been capable of / willing to do #thats what the damn service is for bro #why r we having this discussion #its buck wild #*getting #(no i wont go back and fix my typos. dont care) #like fr. how did i get here #what even. u Refuse to do anything. and now ur mad i applied thru my disability rights to get outside assistance ??? #she seemed Livid that i implied she doesnt care #honey i dont have to imply it i Know it #dont get mad when u get called out for not giving a shit dude #it happens #get over it #so sorry ur disabled 20-something yr old child has rights and knows how to use em #sucks to suck i guess ??? #like. what other response do u want from me

[bitegore]

They're NEVER making another guy like me

#red rambles #trying to get my ducks all in a like today and lmao #like two days ago I bummed a hit off my sister's vape pen and straight up had like. a fucking asthma attack #(as far as i knew i didn't *have* asthma) #only remembered because my sister then was like 'oh yeah mom has asthma that makes sense' as though i should've known that #so today i waq trying to put together all the stuff i gotta put in my medical file (also arthritis!yay!) #that's not the part that matters #the important part is. after i was done feeling like my lungs had just been clenched in a giant fist #i did not go 'damn that sucked im not doing that again' #i went 'woah that felt really weird can i have another hit' #(my sister said no given i had just been sitting on the floor saying I couldn't breathe right and wheezing for three minutes or whatever) #(reasonable but now i want to get a dab pen ir something) #(<- also just straight up do not like nicotine( #actually the REALLY funny part of this is that the reason ive been an edibles only bitch for the last year is that through high school ever #time i smoked weed i got hives. like. physical visible obvious skin rash. I've never had an asthma attack before #finally... the scary high I've been craving.... #im still gonna get myself salvia though

[snowflop]

Happy new year from me and my beastie 🎉

#wishing you all a safe and happy 2024. #i know everything is kinda... horrible forever but we all gotta persevere okay? lets do our best to find joy in the little things. #last year was. okay for me i think #like. i really didn't get up to much but i enjoyed myself immensely #and i did a few little hobby things i've wanted to for ages. made an itabag that was awesome #got a pin press. did some embroidery. did some painting. started collecting everything i need for my bjd #next year... i want to get into sewing doll clothes (both for my bjd and for plushies) and knitting (i'd like to make my own leg warmers) #it'd be nice to do more painting to. like traditional stuff. it's gonna be so bad but its fun so i keep trying #hobby stuff aside i'd like to attend 1 (one) convention. it's scary and expensive but... ahh i really really want to #we'll see if i can budget it in -w-) #i don't think i have any particular resolutions... ah wait. gonna draw AT LEAST 1 thing a month #was diseased or something last October and fell into a slump. not this year. 2024 is MY year. for art at least #i've lost the plot with the tags because i'm typing it between reading subtitles but you get the idea. i lived. you lived. we'll be fine #WAIT!!! i forgot the cats. wah. #the cats are hands down THE best thing that happened to me last year I love them. #Haru and Christopher (pictured above) are my brightest light in this cold dark world they make me so so happy every day #snow blogging

[dredshirtroberts]

allowing myself to sit before i get into packing again proper and i'm talking out loud because i'm alone in the apartment and that's just what happens when i'm existing in general and i go.

"we're allowed to sit, because we're going to sit in a wholesome and god-honoring way." i don't know why i said this. nothing i do when i sit down at my computer is wholesome *or* god-honoring. but like. whatever boats your float i guess.

#i made myself cheesy toast and am gonna watch some short videos and then we're gonna just get right on back into #the enpackening. #i get to go help out at the house today so i'm kind of excited #we had a little bit of an exciting start to the day so i'm gonna try and be good about pacing myself #but we'll see how well that goes because joy excitement makes me zoomy and concern excitement (what we started the day with) also makes me #really focused so i *want* to just jump into things but i took a morning naproxen and i do gotta eat when i take a morning med #so we're doing that first #all is fine no one is hurt and no one needs to spend money it was just a thing that happened and it's fixed now #we'll fix it properly later but it's workable and just makes car-shuffling an extra step for later but i've already got a plan in place #so it's almost like it was a part of the day already accounted for #hashtag girlmath or something #autism math

[the-scungles-of-crungles]

I'll have this neat idea that people like but then I can't elaborate on it because like most of my story ideas actually involve monster (or at least monster-adjacent character) x human romance plots and I feel like y'all would be so disappointed in me lmao

Sorry if you guys were interested in some of my ideas I can't let this see the light of day

#Yeah this is about that one thing with the fuckin winter purgatory and the sorta zombie lookin guy. #I'm sorry for anyone who thought that was neat. Like there's character arcs and some stuff I'd actually like to write eventually for it #It's not JUST that but it does become important so I could never bring myself to show it to the public if I ever did write it lmao. #Something something only the warmth of love can even begin to melt the eternal cold.... It's cheesy I hate it #But I love the character's dynamics they've got going on... #The way the protagonist lady goes from being afraid of this guy to feeling bad for him once she hears his story #And then she tries to figure out how she can make this frozen hell less horrible #Augh. I gotta stop this is cringe but I love them #And I HATE that I've backed myself into this corner #.........Y'all wouldn't understand they have so much personality already in my mind and I'll never be able to use that

[imwritesometimes]

deleting the playlist is the official nail in the coffin like. it's over. it's over now.

#ngl my dudes. I feel like the uhhhh blorbo part of my brain has just... stopped working at all #well.... blorbo insomuch as like shipping and fandom and whatever #I still have blorbo(s) that I love entirely and am obsessed with (see icon) but none I feel like #oh I should write for them or oh I should read for them #not even old blorbos give me ideas anymore. a fleeting sense of - oh! blorbos! but no *ideas* #idk maybe it's because shipping stuff to the level of fanfic is really rare for me. #and I gotta be honest the few things I *have* watched from here that ppl have OBSESSED over ships for I've always been like... #really? I don't see it.... #and on top of that I'm not someone who will watch something JUST for a ship like that's gotta be a bonus #I never go into watching something thinking omg I wonder who I'll ship. I just simply don't care abt that shit #when picking media to spend hours with #idk feels like I'm just 🤷‍♀️ #which then makes me feel like lmao why am I *here* on the blorbo shipping fanfic webbedsite then? #I still enjoy my old ships. seeing content abt them makes me go 😃!! but only for a second and then it's like 🤷‍♀️ ok. #this has gotten long and rambling and stupider than usually allow myself to get so ✌️ #erin explains it all