#so i dont feel quite as safe or. idk.

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I love horror movies.

But I have extreme anxiety.

No seriously it's so bad that just looking through the horror titles on Netflix is spooking me.

But I love horror movies!

But I live alone.

So. You see my problem.

#i need to get into a better sleep schedule but i havent been able to sleep at all lately #ive been exhausted but when i lay down to try to sleep i just cant do it #so ive been staying up hella late #i want to watch a horror movie. so much #but if i do im gonna spend the rest of the night in the corner of my room with my knife in hand #i wish i could just sleep #but i lay down and i feel exhausted but i cant. sleep. #my theory is that i miss having someone to fall asleep next to #i just got back from workinf at a summer camp #at first i lived alone. sleeping happened but it wasnt super easy #then a friend moved in with me and it became so much easier to sleep #we fell asleep at the same time so it was like someone was holding me to a bedtime #i felt safer with someone there #idk i think a presence makes it easier and happier to sleep #now im back to living alone. but now its in an apartment #so i dont feel quite as safe or. idk. #im exhausted and i just want to watch a damn horror movie but im lonely and easily spooked #the loneliness is hitting me really bad tho seriously i think its a big problem #the last time i had a real conversation with someone was on Sunday #since then ive only talked to a barista to order my coffee. and i did that twice #no phone calls. barely any texts. the depression is hitting bad. oh shit now that i think about it yeah. oh boy. oh this isnt good #i need to talk to someone posthaste before i go fucking insane #im going back to work on friday but. idk. i miss people. connection. living with someone. someone to fall ssleep next to #god im lonely okay bye #gonna go try to watch a horror movie

[enden-k]

im sorry to hear people are stomping all over your boundaries, big props to you for sticking up for yourself and putting your foot down. I hope you're doing ok (/gen)

on another, hopefully happier note, i noticed your info post mentions that you self ship! I'd love to hear about your favourite self ships if you're comfortable talking about them some time?

i actually never did or had interest in this but then haitham waltzed in so hes the first and only one (this whole thing flusters me so its smth i indulge in for myself in private by reading or daydreaming or sometimes i babble and ramble about him very in depth)

(most hkvthm things i draw is just me going 'wish that was me' and drawing it LMFAO)

ohh also same w kaveh but in a slightly different way than haitham (theyre both the only ones) i want them to hold hands. i want them to hold my hands. there

#i dont feel attraction to ppl irl mostly bc im just not comfortable around ppl #and the ones i am are my friends and theres obv no romantic attraction #so when i saw haitham and learned more and mroe of him and how he and i share so many traits and ideas and things it was #instant comfort and the feeling of being understood #that its like #if he was real i would seek out his warmth and presence instead of getting away frm it like with my ex partners when it was too much for me #knowing that he would understand me therefore knowing how to handle me without making me uncomfortable or upset #uhh so basically. he made me realize all i want is just someone who perfetly understands me and knows how to treat me #when to come close and when to give me space #perfectly knowing me and reading me #i cant speak and in the rare moments i am able to im often struggling to form my thoughts into sentences that make sense #so he would still understand and put together that garbled mess and know exactly what i mean #not misunderstanding and acusing me of things or tones i never said or used #ppl and things messed me up quite a bit in the past that im having trouble w lots of things unless im alone #only when im alone i feel truly comfortable and safe bc nothing can hurt or upset me but even then you kinda realize in some moments that #you actually want someone with you but it has to be smn you trust and who knows you inside out and all that #i dont have anyone like that and idk if i ever will but rn this character is jsut rotating in my head giving me these things i crave and #thats enough #sorry that was a lot of gay rambling there but yea idk if it sounds stupid or nah but my #mental health issues got way better and balanced ever since haitham so he really #grounds me and gives me strength and comfort to deal with things i would have be unable to do in the past year #bc even if i dont have smn who truly knows and understands me #inside me there is someone #reply #tags tbd #in case i get embarrassed LMFAO

[piplupod]

thinking abt the previous post, the agency i worked at for a couple years would use bits of ABA and I just... I always nodded along to the boss instructing me on how to work with the kids with those tactics (I worked with the kids who were 6 and under) and then as soon as she left I tossed all that shit out of my brain and just treated the kid like a human being and worked with them where they were at.

and guess what !!! i had the most and fastest success out of every other worker in the entire building!! i was often told it seemed like i was working miracles with my kids bc they'd just progress so fast (comparatively) through the skill book we had to work on, and that the kids always seemed so happy and eager to come to the building after they started working with me!!

this is partially why I quit because I couldn't stand seeing my coworkers treat the kids like they were dogs (talking down to them, being patronizing, and utilizing shitty ABA tactics) and as much good as I was doing there, it was fucking me up bc they were extremely demanding that I work more than I was comfortable (or able) to, and often put me with "problem" kids who I didn't get to regularly see so we couldn't make much progress bc the kids weren't able to get to know me and (rightfully!) didn't trust me because they thought I'd be treating them the way everyone else did.

i just...... my coworkers would ask me how I had so much success and I would just shrug and say like, "just treat them like they're human and work with them where they're at" and I couldn't explain any more bc that'd require me admitting I wasn't following the boss' guidance for a lot of shit fjfkdl

#i had kids who didn't like talking suddenly become chatterboxes bc they actually felt safe and listened to for once !!! #(and ofc some kids just didnt like talking and that was okay bc they would talk when needed but just preferred to be quiet) #also yall i had no formal training for this 😭 i was thrown into the fray one day djfkdl i was supposed to just work as an admin assistant #it was just fucking bonkers there #kids had meltdowns sometimes bc the workers were so useless and didnt take the time to learn to read the child and they'd push too much #and they did things in ways that were sooo rigid so often like... if a kid is looking tired u gotta shift ur schedule around !! #but they'd just be like noooope this is our plan and we have to stick to it #my guy!! the child looks exhausted!!! they are fucking four years old !!! what the hell are u doing!!! #no four yr old is going to ever feel okay if u keep pushing them to do stuff they dont rly want to do when theyre tuckered out!! #anyways i could rant for hours abt that place lmfao #i still think abt the kids so often esp some of the ones with rough home lives #and i just rly rly hope theyre doing okay #but i cannot go back and help again bc that place destroyed me gjfkdl i hit autistic burnout HARD while there #and thats what ultimately forced me to quit #otherwise i probably would've stayed bc i rly wanted to give these kids someone safe to be around esp if their homes werent a v safe place #idk its so hard bc one person can't change the entire way things are (esp since i had no formal training) #but also if im not there then i know nobody else there is going to be knocking ABA to the side and treating the kids like whole ass humans! #eugh i hate thinking abt it bc I just... what the fuck do u do with a situation like that lmfao #i miss those kids sm though fjfkdl theyre all so cool and fun and rly good kids #i hope good things happen to them :') #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #ableism tw #aba tw

[dandyshucks]

i think a big plus of having Guz be so tall and just in general bigger than me is that I could sit in front of him with my back to his chest and have his arms wrapped around me and he could just hide me away from the world for a little while. he is my own personal brick wall fsdjkl a weighted blanket perhaps too,,

#so much softer than a brick wall ofc dsfkl but . just saying ''wall'' doesnt conjure up the mental image as well as ''brick wall'' #my nervous system is absolutely shot fdsjkl i opened my other main account to check in with a couple ppl and got so nauseous and dizzy ;-; #idk what is wrong w meeee (well no i do sort of know but fjsdkl i dont know how to fix That so im pretending thats not the issue) #i was doing so well for a couple weeks too wtf 😭😭 #thank god i have a counseling appt on monday dsjkl i think i very much need it #so many difficult things happened today now that i think about it fjksl i did Nawt have a rest day fdsjkl #i think ... tonight i will shut everything out and just draw or write or smth #just completely wrap myself up in creating stuff for a couple hours at least #i would like One hug from my man and perhaps ten minutes of deep pressure FDSJKL or just. feeling safe for a bit. agh. i've said too much #OVERWHELMED. THATS WHAT IM FEELING. AUGH. finally placed the feeling im having HFDSJKL #theres so many strings in my life and i have dropped quite a few over the holidays and i dont think i can pick them back up #like. idk how i ever held all of them wtf jfsdkl how was i doing that !!! theres so many goddamn strings to hold !! #vent // #dandy.cmd

[dexaroth]

i cant believe the day but i finally got a full tower pc. bought it already built and at a considerable discount of some 320 dollars off. its fucking huge and theres so many things going on inside... i was initially planning on choosing the parts myself but finding the graphics card was so hard and everyone else convinced me to just buy it built and honestly? good. id probably have fucked this up so badly by myself

i cant use it yet bc i took too long to buy the monitor that was also on sale and now its regular price -_- tho i managed to find a discount used one for now. well see how that goes since ill get it tomorrow. i tested it on out living room tv and it had some kaspersky thingy open and like thats so cute. i hope they left some treats in the browsing history for me to search through before i wipe it clean

#its a hexer case and wouldnt you guess the front has a hexagonal pattern. so pretty.. #it came with 3 fans installed there too that have a cmyk color style to them and it looks quite neat. im thinking of buying some leds to pu #inside the case to go with my keyboard tho idk if id go that far tbh (< gamer rot is setting in. im not immune to pretty lighting..) #its also got a lot of unused space inside. im thinking of making more sculptures to put in. though idk if thatd be safe for it #bc cold porcelain is glue and water. what if it evaporates inside and suddenly everythings covered in a glue film #i wonder if varnish would help? the transparent nail polish sure didnt do shit it came off like 2 days after sculpting the rw slug sleeping #which like yeah of course. its nail polish. but i didnt expect it to flake since all it does is sleep on top of my laptop keyboard #i need miniature glass cake cover tops to encapsule every sculpture inside for safety #looking at it still no wonder these are called towers gotdamn its legit so huge.. #it looks awkward tho bc i cant fully make it glue to the wall bc of the cables so its like. awkwardly a bit in front of the wall #im scaared as to how to tell if it ever gets too hot. on a laptop u just press ur head against the left half and feel how hot it is #i think im gonna need software for this.. sigh. tho maybe ill never get to that point since its supposed to be decent #AND its not 8 years old + the 3 fans and gpu fan and cpu fan. surely thats enough. the case even has space for more than that!! #the acrylic side reflects my keyboard too. so niceys. stimulation for my creature eyes #my desk is gonna be so fucked up when i have to organize everything too bc the one i have now is perfecly laptop-oriented #it sits on a custom wooden desk and the keyboard+drawing tablet sit below. but theres a shelf on top of my desk thats too low for the> #>normal monitor to sit to so i wont be able to use the custom desk. and i dont even know what ill do with my laptop either #finally a good change in my sad life routine fr. i cant wait to play watchdogs on this and overgrowth and other ones #AND LAGLESS KRITA SMUDGE ENGINE BRUSHES!!! AND DOUBLE BRUSHES. THEYRE SO LAGGY #A N D ACTUAL FULL HD NORMAL MONITOR. maybe that will get me to not draw in small canvases anymore #now im anxious i just want the day to be over to get the monitor tomorrow aouugh.. just bc i started coding my resources neocities page #dextxt #<the 'major life events' ((sorta)) tag returns. one for the books.. if something bad happens.. itll be here to remind me of the good times

[horrorwebs]

i hate my best friend earlier i was like "im scared that this guy likes me bc he said something that i would only say to people who i like, but i recognize thats its a normal ass thing to say anyway and i rationally know he does not like me, but still, my brain decided to play with that concept and made me have a terrible nightmare the other night about it and now im subconsciously scared that he will like me ( with the underlying concept of "i am scared of men")" and shell go ohohioo what if youre projecting and its actually YOU that likes him. ????? bitch did you not hear the part about having a dream where he abused me or ...?sometimes being asexual is a nightmare nobody gets it

#and i have actually considered that btw.! and no i dont like him. if i like anyone its someone else entirely.and i dont like them either so #but she did not get it for the most part which i understand my feelings are unconventional and irrational and hard to follow. but i am #quite literally scared of the concept. of a man liking me. of this guy specifically bc we are good friends why ruin it!but just guys in gen #and i dreamt he abused me..... #literal nightmare i woke up scared and confused all bc my brain hates ne #anyway. she wants to have a gotcha moment so bad #like i said before. no its not about projecting and being scared of liking him #its about being scared that someone who i care about sees me in a way i dont and demands things from me i am not willing to give #+ someone being intimidating by having more experience compared to my 0 amount #+ feeling a bit intimiddated that my new friend group will find me immature as i am the youngest one #theres a lot of complicated feelings and a lot of confusing things bc of my asexuality but she sometimes doesnt get it #its not rly about liking him. also if i do in the future i wont really give myself a headache about it ive decided to stop worrying #about things like that it never helps. #anyway this is the friend i was hopelessly in love with and i can safely say i am over her now [tangent] #anyway. idk. sometimes i feel so stupid but this fear was idk a bit more than justa silly highschool 'what if i like them'and more #'what if the people i meet want to take advantage of me and i cant learn to say no' + 'what if i have a way of self sabotaging perfectly #good friendships by implanting irrational fears into them via dream' ? #you know. a bit more heavy #idk if anyone reads my rants id you doo cool thanks but whatever this is my diary maybe i should go nack to the psychologist idk #spikeposting

[fastidious-and-a-mess]

just finished s6 of elementary (finished s5 on sunday. lol) and i’m trying to get my friends to watch it also so unfortunately i can’t drown them in my spoilery rantings so instead everything is going in the tags here so uh. abandon all hope ye who enter these tags, spoilers abound

#im gonna pad these tags a bit actually #so the spoilers go behind a 'read more' or whatever #youre welcome <3 #have i mentioned you should watch this show #anyways we're probably safe now su #HOOOOOOOOOLY SHIIIIIIT #that is not at ALL where i expected that to go #gregson was really warming up to me this season. he had never really stood out as a characted before but i think he really shown in s5&6 #but man. that finale. honestly idk if i can forgive his character for that. i know he was just trying to protect his daughter but she had to #take responsibility for killing michael because it was not fair for joan to take the fall for that even unintentionally. im definitely gonna #miss him tho. and marcus too. i mean i knew his presence was coming to an end anyways with the marshalls but this finale has really dissolve #d the core cast here. now its jsut sherlock and joan. back in london too; thats quite the move #and in the last season. i guess the total shift is setting and cast didnt do well with ratings? or maybe it was always going to end at 221b #idk. but i think my favorite part of this season was sherlock completely devoting himself to the idea of joan getting a kid #personally idk how i feel about the narrative making her a mother in the end. i could say it has come problematic implications about women's #roles but honestly within the context on the narrative? i dont think thats entirely true. anyways i jsut thought it was super cure how much #sherlock just wanted joan to be happy and fulfilled. 'i would make adjustments for you watson always.' 'we're two people who love each other #they way he develops through her. the way he learns how to love and be loved. the way he becomes kinder and he lets down his walls to laugh #with her and smile with her. the way that they understand each other in ways nobody else ever has. it makes me som emotinal #HE NAMED A BEE AFTER HER #im never going to get over that #anyways 'uncle detective' is maybe the cutest thing ever. he cleaned up his murder dollhouse for a kid she didnt even have yet :) #ok i think im done. for now. its 1am and i have class at 8:30 so uh i guess i'll just die about it but oh well. i was gonna watch one more #and then i realized the one after that one was the season finale so you see how i did what i had to #anyways. good night #:') #will tags this far in even get registered? oh well #elementary #cbs elementary #please someone talk to me about them

[arolesbianism]

Ok I'm having Joshua mental illness get hit with the me making bullshit up beam boy you could be so interesting if we try hard enough

#rat rambles #oni posting #like look at me look deep into my eyes what if his morals arent much better than some of his peers #I dont want joshua to be a bad person but theres room for him to be a very messy and interesting one #like imagine him being like genuinely loyal to jackie and her causes #but like as time goes on and shit gets worse it leads to him having to pick and choose his loyaties and who he stands by #like I just think itd be interesting if given the choice of siding with jackie or ellie he would choose jackie #not that I think ellie has great morals or whatever herself but I have little doubt that she wasnt also beinh treated like shit later on #plus I like the spice of adding more ppl to the employees who got dissapeared pile #adds to the desperate scramble feeling of late stage gravitas #but yeah I think joshua would rly rly want to keep ellie safe and not lose her as a friend but I like to imagine a world where he struggles #with that because of his own flaws as opposed to ellies #idk it just would add more to their dynamic and to joshua's non-existent character lol #like at least we see ellie involved in different enviorments joshua we see solely in casual friendly conversation #cause like he and ellie have the same job so theoretically he could know everything ellie knows abt the going ons in gravitas #which is likely quite a bit given that ellie likely is at least vaguely aware of the duplicant project #you see Im just a guy whos overly invested in joshua ellie and nikola as a trio who parallel eachother even tho nikola is only tied to them #through One email abt him stealing one of their lunches #tbf I also like thinking abt other characters late stage gravitas moments but those three are most interesting to me personally #and its pretty much entirely because of ellie and nikola being jackie's lackeys lol #and yknow what joshua deseves to be in on the fun lets get someone whos not blond in the mix #two shitty assholes and a joshua who isnt quite a shitty asshole but still isnt much better

[waloeders]

i accidentally slept for almost 11hrs n im still tired what is going on 😖😭

#jupiter.speaks #> so incredibly eepy what da hell.... #> i literally woke up n was like hmmng i should be sleeping more #> didnt quite have fo dream buut. u know when ur just waking up? i had that weird. someone is w u feeling #> n idk it felt like barney i dont know if that sounds odd but thats what it felt like?? #> was nice to wake up warm n feelin safe tho...eughghh... #> not to complain too much but my sleep has been. bad lately so i appresh this one 🙏 feelsgoodman

[fortunately-bi]

Not mad but a bit disappointed at work rn

#this is like the third time theyve talked about giving me a room and they gave ot to someone else #and she barely does any work #she falls asleep during nap time which is super not safe #like shes literally just working at the daycare for free childcare which i totally understand and i get it #at the same time #we are responsible for living beings that cant take care of themselves this isnt a job you can slack off at #idk idk idk i feel like im way more experienced and the girl who was the previous lead of the room #specifically asked that i be the next lead teacher in that room because i was experienced and knew what i was doing #she trained me for several weeks #and now im being told i wont be getting it #i love my job a lot dont get me wrong i love my coworkers so much and i love my boss and the kids #im not like i should quit this stupid job or anything #im still making lead teacher pay because i was supposed to be a lead teacher when i got hired but ended up floating #i don't hate floating but i feel a lack of routine and its a bit stressful sometimes that i never know how my day will go #.... im also bitter because theyre moving my favorite baby up because she started crawling and i was super excited to be her teacher #and now im not going to and im a lil pissed about that

[krekdon]

okay think im just extra emo bc sick/period/barbie (didnt get to cry properly) but didnt realise how much i miss being queer

#kt talks #this will pass but want a record of it #was speaking to a gay guy at work today (abt heartstopper) and got to relax #like i dont act any differently than i usually do but just Knowing i cant be full queer self (ehich isnt even any different from usual me) h #as apparently taken its toll because literally cried so much after yhe conversation #like not even soeaking about being queer but not having to worry about SEEMING queer #even though i know i do #but also i seemed to have passed the normal test for at least some #and the. i feel bad for going along with it but also youre criticising the person i actually am to my face so you must not think i am like t #hat therefore i will keep it that way so i am safe #and i dont even know why i do it sometimes #like privacy and not wanting to explain myself and also an inability to articulate it all #but also a bit of cowardice and fear #but yeah. just the fact that he clearly Knows. he can see it. and i dont even know his name (this is bad we have spoken quite a few times no #w but hes in a different department and doesnt wesr a name badge) #but the favt that he just said he was gay openly in the canteen….. and felt comfortable enough sround me to say it and discuss queer things. #.. and just. COULD TELL THAT I AM THE SAME. #idk i dont even know if he did feel that way but he must have??? he must have?????? #i think he might have been looking for a confirmation #and i hope he got it #i just didnt realise how tense i was about it all until i wasnt #(but also i did know i was tense about it all and know that i cant fix it) #idk. solidairty. feeling seen. back in comfortable territory (i miss being with groups of queer people) #even my group of queer friends at uni i still havent reached that level yet becauss although i KNOW theyre all accepting. the feeling of bei #ng Extra and Specifically queer compared to just normal queer is very stressful #next year i will be more open. this is me declaring that #havent kr talksed in a while but i need there to be proof of this. #BEING QUEER MAKES YOU HAPPY KATIE STOP BEING FRIGHTENED AND ENJOY IT

[shojoboy]

i forgot there even was amovie about the torture + death of Sylvia Likens until now cuz im reading Elliott Page's memoir and like. what on earth possessed someone to make a movie out of that, really. why would anyone want to watch that.

#i dont want to necessarily pass the judgement that it's Wrong to make a movie about a tragedy like this but #idk. personally not only does it seem unbearable to watch but im uncomfortable w the very idea of dramaticizing it #like is that entertrainment? is that art? a girl suffered as bad as anyone could ever suffer and now u wanna see that reenacted? #and according to Elliott they toned it down from reality too. like what happened to her was worse than what could b shown in theaters #and what ur supposed to watch that? feel like ''wow that was horrible'' but from a safe distance so it's not quite real. #so u can be titillated by the knowledge of how evil people can be. #the thing is that her story is WORTH sharing but it's because its yet another example #of how little rights children have had historically. and how abuse of children has been accepted in a hierarchical society. #but like you could do a documentary abt it. without reenacting her misery. #sorry im bring ing up discourse abt a movie made in 2007 lmao but god even thinking abt Sylvia is unbearable to me #just reading the wikipedia page years ago was a horror i cant forget. #-_-

[piplupod]

hhhhhmmm.

#i . really want to go psych ward. quite badly. #it is also 2am and i am not asleep and i have to be up at 7:30 to get to counseling appt #i just fjdksl cannot stop crying or panicking or seeing spiders and flies dropping from ceiling #i just want to be out of here i dont know what to do #sorry fjfkdkd i will delete this in the morning probably im just scared and do not feel real rn idk sorry it'll be okay probably #breathing techniques are not working though and i just feel so incredibly awful #i think theres a spider bite on my shoulder too but i cant tell and im just scared idk where i got these #i dont want a spider on me again #im so tired and im scared of appt tomorrow fjfkdl I just want to be in the psych ward #they treat me so badly there like im some criminal or animal but at least im safe when im there #no abuser no schoolwork no spiders no dishes no laundry no expectations other than just to stay alive and quiet fjfkdl #and im very good at just existing silently fjfkdl #idk idk im tired and scared and feel so sick #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

[toastsnaffler]

tried to watch a movie on call w flatmates earlier bc i thought i was doing well enough but I couldnt focus at allllll :(((

#i hope they didnt mind im sure they still had a good time since theyre super into the movie franchise #i had to quit halfway thru to play dead cells hardest difficulty bc rn its the only (safe) method to quiet my mind #every social situation makes me feel like theres dense fog in my brain bc theres so many rules + i have to be not mentally ill around ppl #it takes so much effort my head is a dog begging for attention and i have to heavily curb that if i want ppl to stay friends lmao #it tires me out so easily. but if i dont get social contact the horrors worsen so. #if i was at uni i could just take 15 to bleed and thatd vent it instantly. normalising beam. but i cant while im at home so whatever ufhfj #i jush wish like. nvm idk whatever #better luck next time i guess #anywaydhfj onwards to greener pastures (bedtime for real now) #.vent #wow i posted this last night not at 5am. the hell