#i felt safer with someone there

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I love horror movies.

But I have extreme anxiety.

No seriously it's so bad that just looking through the horror titles on Netflix is spooking me.

But I love horror movies!

But I live alone.

So. You see my problem.

#i need to get into a better sleep schedule but i havent been able to sleep at all lately #ive been exhausted but when i lay down to try to sleep i just cant do it #so ive been staying up hella late #i want to watch a horror movie. so much #but if i do im gonna spend the rest of the night in the corner of my room with my knife in hand #i wish i could just sleep #but i lay down and i feel exhausted but i cant. sleep. #my theory is that i miss having someone to fall asleep next to #i just got back from workinf at a summer camp #at first i lived alone. sleeping happened but it wasnt super easy #then a friend moved in with me and it became so much easier to sleep #we fell asleep at the same time so it was like someone was holding me to a bedtime #i felt safer with someone there #idk i think a presence makes it easier and happier to sleep #now im back to living alone. but now its in an apartment #so i dont feel quite as safe or. idk. #im exhausted and i just want to watch a damn horror movie but im lonely and easily spooked #the loneliness is hitting me really bad tho seriously i think its a big problem #the last time i had a real conversation with someone was on Sunday #since then ive only talked to a barista to order my coffee. and i did that twice #no phone calls. barely any texts. the depression is hitting bad. oh shit now that i think about it yeah. oh boy. oh this isnt good #i need to talk to someone posthaste before i go fucking insane #im going back to work on friday but. idk. i miss people. connection. living with someone. someone to fall ssleep next to #god im lonely okay bye #gonna go try to watch a horror movie

[brattybottomdyke]

i don’t want to start Something but can we get over the “gold star lesbian” thing please? no lesbian is less valid just because of previous experiences they may have had

#i was not one of those lesbians who knew - at least consciously - that they were gay from a young age #and i identified as bi for a while bc it felt safer for me at least #so i have hooked up with men #but guess what!!! that doesn’t make me any less of a lesbian!! #so please keep your gold star stuff away from me #for context someone commented on one of my posts and had gold star in their bio. no age listed of course so blocked regardless but still #i also just might be kinda grumpy soooo #bottom.spm

[venussunrise]

omg i found the prettiest skirt to wear to the twice concert i’m gonna look like a princess 🥲 also i messaged the girl i met in the parking garage at the loona concert that i walked to and from the concert with on the off chance she’s going 😹😹 it would be so crazy if she was but i’d be so happy

#she was so sweet and she mentioned she liked twice #it felt a lot safer to have someone to walk with i hope if she's not going i meet another girl or a group will let me walk with them

[frecklystars]

I miss Starscream. I miss when TF wasn't a goddamn trigger

#looking at RID references for someone's commission #and crying my eyes out :') i want my starlight back #i want my fucking joy back #fuck my abuser how can you give someone ptsd and feel absolutely no remorse #how do you abuse someone relentlessly when you know they're at their worst and not give a shit #how do ppl like that exist. i can only hope karma hits u like a bus ❤ #3 years!!! of loving stsc!!! and i FLINCH at him??? i CRY when i see him?? he used to feel so safe and loving #i never felt safer with anyone else!!! and now it's like that safe feeling is so foreign. i just want to get better so bad #im so fucking empty without my special interest i dont know how to function day to day #looking at my loved ones and genuinely wholeheartedly believing they'd betray me and hurt me for my abuser #is the fucking worst feeling in the world and i wish i could go back in time and stop myself from meeting my abuser #i wish i listened to my gut i had such a bad gut feeling abt her CONSTANTLY #and yet i stayed bc she kept insisting she was gonna off herself if i didnt cater to her every emotion #over and over and over and over #i wish i could go back in time and change everything #its so hard!!!! you dont know!!! you dont know how hard this feels im struggling every day!!!! #TF was all i had and now it's gone and self shipping is supposed to be my escape #i just want my life back #i dont care what bad things happen to me if i just had stsc i know i'd get thru it but i cant anymore #everything hurts so bad all the time and im so scared im never gonna feel okay again #vent #delete later

[lovebloods]

.

#hiding this in the tags bc it’s kind of embarrassing and i need to get it off my chest #and i could journal about it but i just want someone to see me #sorry for being cringe <333 #but i don’t know what the hell i am like i don’t know if i’m even nonbinary anymore and that scares me like being nonbinary felt like coming #home after a long trip #and now i’m having all these thoughts about wanting to be a man? like near tears rn bc i want to be a guy but then when i think of actually #being a guy i freak out a bit #bc i like being seen as feminine too and i know that there are feminine men and they get treated so terribly #and i feel like all the men i see that i want to be like or look like are white! why don’t i see any black trans men like i feel so alone #and i’m scared to look/be openly trans bc there’s so much violence against people like us that it feels safer to just cosplay as a cis woman #even though i’m not #like i don’t want to be a boy but i want to be one and i absolutely don’t want to be a girl but i’d like to be seen as someone sometimes #it’s all very confusing #AND like i know i’m biromantic like im attracted to all genders and people #but im like? am i on the ace spectrum #bc i have a low sex drive am often sex repulsed and will sometimes ‘test’ #myself to see if im sexually attracted to people and most of the time it’s like #it’s like meh not really but sometimes im like sure but that’s rarer and rarer these days?? and like. tmi here but i jerk off and enjoy it #so i can’t be asexual right?? i tried looking it up but the articles just confused me #but then i also am like with the right person if i had a connection to them i wouldn’t mind having sex with them! but like. then i think #about actually having to be in a relationship and i’m like gross no but i think that’s just relationship trauma and fear of being #vulnerable #and like i know i don’t HAVE to have a label on my gender or sexuality but for me personally it helps to know What i am #and and i love butches so so so much and if i’m a man how can i love butches? like #it’s all so confusing #i feel like i’m 14 and going through puberty again

[biolums]

can my neighbors learn to be normal and not the loudest humans on the planet. like ANY of them. please

#girls next door had a fight so bad we were thinking about knocking on our guy neighbors door for help bc like #it was scary there was banging and screaming constantly and i was just like. scared! #but me and hera are both >5’5 and weak and also im not feeling well #so we were not comfortable knocking on the door ourself but idk maybe we would have felt safer with the guy next door #it stopped before we got the chance but im like shaken up kinda i dont like being put in fight or flight situations #this all being said: i never want to call the police if i can help it but if someone was getting hurt like. i was gonna call 911 #but i dont want to like. what am i supposed to do in situations where the only thing i can think to do is call 911 #(i called my mom. thats the real answer but i mean like.. as a social convention) #jace.txt

[floraleevee]

I live in a city that’s got a lot of accommodations for cyclists except no one here gives us the space we need so biking to work every day is so goddam stressful

#I live just over a mile from work and my university doesn’t have good parking + you have to pay for it even as an employee #half my commute has a bike lane and the other half is in residential areas that say cyclists have the right of way to the whole lane #and are also speed zones #TWICE this week I’ve almost been hit #people drive in the bike lane. go 30+ in residential areas closer than 3 ft to me. I’m so sick of it #New Orleans had NO infrastructure for cyclists but I felt so much safer biking there than here #which is wild because I was HIT WHILE BIKING in nola #here though people just dgaf #and it’s not even students! it’s always someone in their 30s or 40s #runon post

[cheekblush]

not having any friends is truly heartbreaking

#i have no one to confide in or just simply hang out with #there's this concert i really wanted to attend but i have no one to go with and tickets are already sold out anyways #but the point is not having friends stops me from having fun experiences #sure you could argue that i could have fun experiences by myself but it's still not the same if you can't share it with someone #i went on a solo trip this summer and while it was liberating & enjoyable it was also incredibly lonely #i also went to a festival by myself & unfortunately it was horrible bc i got nauseous & it was scary being all alone #thankfully i got back to my hotel safely in the middle of the night but i definitely would've felt better & safer if i wasn't alone #i feel like i'm missing out on a lot of things bc i don't have friends & it's just so alienating bc i think smth is fundamentally wrong.. #.. with me bc i don't have a single genuine friend while others have whole friend groups #this also makes me miss my ex best friend even more & i'm contemplating reaching out to her again... #i feel like a beaten dog that always comes back around no matter how badly i was treated bc i just want some love 😔 💔 #like i was the one who ended things with my ex best friend bc i was tired of being treated like a doormat & constantly having my.. #.. boundaries disrespected but now i'd rather have that back then have no friends at all which is awful i know 😭 #my ex best friend also isn't a bad person but she hurt me a lot & at the end when things got really bad i think we were both not good for.. #each other.. but now i'm reminiscing about all the wonderful things we experienced together & i miss it so much :( #we had so many things in common we went to so many concerts together & had so much fun & now i'm all by myself all the time 😔 #the thing is also she was always a social butterfly & has many friends so i doubt she even misses me #i still didn't delete her from my contacts & i recently saw she finally fulfilled her dream of going to america #i feel like she is living her best life & i'm just here being miserable & lonely nothing has really improved for me #i wouldn't even be surprised if she's going to that concert i wanted to attend bc it's one of her favorite artists as well #i just feel so unlovable and alone in this world... i wish i could restart my whole life or disappear altogether tbh #sorry for the negativity if anyone reads this i'm just really upset.. #i should stop making myself even more depressed i'm supposed to be studying anyways.. #and tonight i'm attending our company's christmas party i hope i'll at least have a little fun there.. #☁️

[oscill4te]

Bro :") Therapy is helping me so much... currently dealing with something that would have been impossible for me a month ago and i feel in control and safe & likr everything is gonna be okay

#i used to associate someone at work with something in my past. id tremble around them and not even be able to walk around them #my body was unable to differientiate that this is a different person not the person who hurt me in other words #even if rationally I knew this person wasnt dangerous or the person from the past. it felt hell-ish. body keeps the score yknow. #here i am eating lunch w them. bruh #txt #i still feel frozen a bit but i am not trembling. i can control my muscles. im assuring young alts that we are safe and they trust me #they are still a quite scared but they feel safer now and that means... so so much.. #before my throat would lock up. i wouldn't be able to speak. let alone eat. i avoided this situation for years #its.. so crazy to me how much somatic therapy techniques help for trauma. somatic is the way to go

[nataliewaitegf]

🫶

#this is so tmi but w/e i’ll delete later but like . absolutely terrified of starting with a new therapist #bc i wanted an option i felt safer with (someone not m*rmon & preferably who’s lgbt/lgbt friendly) #but there’s literally one single place that my insurance covers and it’s in my tiny m*rmon town #n the last one i went to made me so uncomfortable i had to stop going #and just like . i wanted the OPTION to feel safe and understood for all of me #but i already know i have to steer clear of religious trauma and of coming out #but the last one just straight up asked me my sexuality and put me in the position of like . coming out or lying abt it #or saying im not comfortable saying which would be the same as coming out basically and idk im so fucking sad and anxious abt this #even tho none of that is what im even going back to therapy for #but like . i just wanted to feel safe :( #and switching the insurance would be so much work and i don’t even know if i could . and if i did what if it was a waste and the person #who i wanted to see doesn’t work out and i have to start all over again and it’s just . i wanna cry sgjsgjfsj #don’t like starting with someone new and already knowing there’ll be huge parts of me & my past trauma that i can’t discuss :(

[holidaywithahobbyist]

i love my girlfriend . so so so much. shes so incredible………. i miss her so bad i want to get a little kissie from her NOW

#erinposting #truly i have never felt safer around someone . ever #shes so kind…. and normally i can barely do anything w someone without feeling like im doing it wrong #but when im talking to her i jsut feel. good. and confident. bc i know she loves me #and bc when ive apologized in the past for ‘not being good enough’ at whatever it was. shes so sweet about it #aaaaaa. we fuck stuff up so often and sometimes its a bit awkward but god its fun in a way i didnt know relationships Could be #she really does stuff for me that i didnt even realize would help. like i had a panic attack mid school event and she gave me a play by play #-of what was going on so i wouldnt miss it. and took pictures #like shes just SO kind and sweet to me….. need to hug her for an uncomfortable amt of time again #oh and she’s gorgeous too FUCK. she sent me a picture of her with her hair in a new style and . uhm. erm. 😳 #shes so cuuuuuuute….. aaa i miss her so much #when will my girlfriend return from the war (tests and internship stuff) #i love her so muchh . erin i love you so much.

[chaosyippee]

Chronically slouching because of a little thing called <gender dysphoria3

#i am not binding since i need a break #ahh it is really upsetting #i have been taking a lot of breaks though i had worn my binder sometime this week and it actually felt nice to look down #it is nice taking a break not only for your body but to really appreciate how binders help #it is such a different and a confidence booster #i do wish binders were safer though #or at least safer brands #someone had asked markiplier about his brand making them #that would be so nice!! #i see how determined mark is so i think he would keep trying till he gets it right #i honestly put a lot of trust in that he would work hard in making them #trans #transgender #where are my trans buddies struggling with binding

[rosewind2007]

Today, in strangely threatening pin badges..

“Stay safe”

#Welcome to Night Vale #stay safe #I felt safer before someone gave me this pin

[captaintrio]

weird asf thing happened today so like general PSA: if you are like openly anti-pitbull or you feel like the breed is inherently evil or that all pitbulls need to be put down please PLEASE unfollow and block me. I think that is such a needlessly cruel, evil mindset and I do not want anything to do with you if you feel this way.

#av speaks #I just had to block someone I'd been mutuals with for like years #who seemed otherwise entirely normal until they felt the need to write like #a big anti-pitbull manifesto about how people would eventually get over having their pets killed #if it meant living in a 'safer' world #cw animal cruelty #I'm serious the block button is easy and free

[david-watts]

can’t believe it’s almost twenty-five years since we had to have the un go ‘stop being homophobic’

#'hopefully we can have more queer spaces!' yes PLEASE but can they not just. be in hobart. #even if I feel like it would get vandalised within a fortnight #yeah hobart felt so much safer maybe because it's less likely someone knows of me there but also. #not everyone lives in hobart please everything's in hobart and I can't afford to move

[strohller27]

.

#whoops more diary entry shit but uhh #i just realised something about my last two crushes I had’t realised before #I wasn’t/I’m not suspicious of their intentions. because they didn’t treat me like I was something to parade around #their compliments feel (felt) sincere. they listen(ed) to me when I needed to talk. they weren't scared to have deep conversations #they offer(ed) help and insights and take(took) what I have to say seriously #they don’t(didn’t) put words in my mouth or try to tell me how I should feel/what I should think #it’s almost as if the last three people to show any interest in me were nothing like the people I have/had crushes on #because those three people put words in my mouth or tried to tell me how to live/be #because their image as someone ‘in a couple’ was more important than who I was or what my needs were #because for them it was more important to prove to themselves that they were ‘worthy’ of love or that they were 'good in bed' #than our actual relationship was #no wonder I’m not at the 'get married' chapter of my life yet #I fall for people who are super unlikely to be single because they’re sensitive and caring and they get chosen super fast #I also fall for super unattainable people. (maybe so that I can hide behind their unattainability) #(maybe it’s so I don’t actually have to ‘inflict’ myself on them. because it’s safer for me to just imagine than to have something that #I’m not sure I deserve.) #ouch. that’s some painful truth right there man #fuck me I need to get out of my own way. but also I need to be sure I can trust someone before I let them in #it’s a catch-22 and I’m not happy about it