#i need to get into a better sleep schedule but i havent been able to sleep at all lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vaudeville-venom · 2 months

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3/4AM — O3-12-2O24 : RANT / RAMBLE ﹐🪶 ˖ overview: im tired of tiktok, want to move to other social media platforms. want to start blogging / journaling on tumblr and love the idea of others doing the same and find it interesting. want to redo my intro post really bad (i bring it up alot.) i want to have the 'average highschool experience', feel alone then ramble about my life a bit. talk about how i am rambling and how i dont expect anyone to read it. im tired of having a fucked up sleep schedule and being unstable. then an ending note talking about journaling on tumblr again, moodboards, the fucking intro post again, and want to work on a tagging system. (im really fucking tired oh my god)

[ me-core / aesthetic of my brain atm ] : images frm Pinterest

im really debating on just leaving tiktok for now, the algorithm fucking sucks especially right now. its boring as fuck and im not even seeing stuff of my interests or my mutuals ☠️ its all the same 3 god damn audios of content i wouldnt ever like want or expect to see??? ive mentally wanted to stop using shit like tiktok and move to using tumblr more and other sites like spacehey and stuff. i really need to redo spachey too. because while tumblr still has an algorithm ofc its alot less addicting and doesnt absolutely wreck your attention span like tiktok has for me. i feel like not using tiktok other than for occasional posts and sending things to / receiving things from friends would make me a bit more productive as well as being better for me mentally. while it wont magically cure me from any mental illness itll make me feel better and probably help my stress a bit.

i really love the idea of using a tumblr blog to post whatever i want and like use as a digital diary of some kind,, its super fun imo. i had an old acc but it felt like more of a chore to keep up with so now it’s abandoned. speaking of that blog i may make a post being like “hey, im [here] now!!” because i had some neat mutuals there. i think its really neat to see people post about their day and share things they like and reblog everything that catches their eye yk! that may just be a me thing.

i want to redo my intro post a bit, because idk im a bit unhappy with it. (dont be surprised if i edit it mid-writing this or before i post this..) i really love to write but i havent had much motivation at all. i typically love researching my interests and taking notes on them but recently i havent been able to no matter how much i want to, maybe this diary / blogging kind of thing will help me get back on my feet with that :)

i really dont have a ‘yearning’ for anything at the moment, besides having the experience of like everyone else my age. idk how (hahaha) corny that may sound but like for background, im online schooled due to mental and physical disabilities, i dont have many friends online or in person, i rarely see anyone, and i live with my dad and see my mom sometimes and dont really have family outside of that. the family i do have i dont get along with very well or theyre distant (physically or emotionally.) the family i really consider is my dad, because hes always there for me, and my friend micah, but he lives like 9 hours away from me like a LOSER (ily bffie.) im a big believer on chosen family and he is that chosen family. ok i got sidetracked, what im saying is i have no social life really, dont have a place to get a social life (school), and cant really connect with people no matter how i try to. i want to live life like how i see in teen life films or tiktoks of people vlogging with their friends, hell id kill to even have an irl bestfriend to be around. i do have irl friends, and i do have close friends, but i dont see them often or have the personal connection of a mutual best-friend feeling. my dads probably my best friend but i need someone my age lmfao.

this post will be so long that no one will read it i garuntee but also i dont mind?? im not gonna spill my guts like someone wont read this but im not gonna act like i have a large audience. this will just be a nice thing to look back on and keep up unless i anxiously delete it whenever i look back on it (maybe in the morning)

im really tired of waking up at 3-4pm right now, but i cant sleep earlier than 5am no matter what i do. and if i manage to fall asleep at 2am or something i wake up an hour later or wake up at 4-5am panicking for some reason. i havent been to therapy in forever, my therapist is like not doing her job as well as id like and i have no doctor other than my pediatrician who doesn’t understand what im talking about ever!!

i just made this post and thats kinda what led to all of this ranting and wanting to write and shit. im sorta just tired of alot of social media and would love to find myself in other ways and use other forms of social media to share those things even though tumblr is a bit more dead than some things :) im gonna end this one here but if i write another tonight or early tomorrow (like the afternoon same day but it’s tomorrow to me) dont be surprised i love rambling to myself. now i think im going to make this post look cute, post it, redo my pinned intro, work on featured tags/a tagging system, then go from there ^^’

#cain.txt #oversharing on the internet is fun!#;;#blogging #blog #ranting #ramble #rambling #rant #diary #digital diary #diary entry #my diary #tumblr diary #tumblr blog #yapping #autism #bpd #neurodivergent

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overflowchute · 8 months

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venting

legitimately all i fucking want is to have a normal fucking life and be happy and i can't even have that because i'm fucking poor and i can't afford literally anything that'd make my life better, and now i have to face an insanely high bill that'll make everything in my life harder and the worst bit is that legitimately i don't know what the fuck i;m going to do if it happens again. it'll probably cost like 3000 dollars or something just to get this dealt with at the dealership and then what do i even do with my car? i don't want to drive it to work anymore which makes this job so much more frustrating, but i need to keep working it because otherwise i won't have any money at all. ive been interviewing for all these better jobs that im hopeful about but they're all way more distant and now they're just utterly not an option for me if i can't drive!!! im stuck with this stupid fucking job where im going to have to take the bus and change my entire schedule to fit it every day, let alone considering the 30 minute walks im going to half to take to get to the nearest grocery store...

ok, well, maybe when i get my car ill only drive it to the grocery store because it wasn't stolen for 3 months until i started leaving it at work all day... but im still just. i dont know what to do. i really dont know what to do. im legitimately just crying in bed like an idiot instead of being able to get to sleep because what the fuck is there even for me to say. what am i going to do at the service appointment tomorrow, ask them how long they can hold my car because i don't have any fucking money? how am i supposed to just keep on walking through life normally and go to work when everything's become so much harder? i worked 11 hours today at 15 dollars an hour, that's 158 dollars without counting my lunch break, and then i spent 200 dollars getting my fucking car towed to the dealership so i literally went negative today. i havent had more than 3000 dollars since i was getting scholarships at school and now i have to imagine dumping that much to replace something that could get easily stolen yet again at a moment's notice

like what the fuck am i supposed to do. get a whole new car that doesnt have as likely a chance of seeing its converter stolen? buy one of those stupid 200 dollar shields that only might stop a determined thief, despite the fact that those converters can go for like 700 dollars on the resale market? i can't fucking do any of that because i'm fuucking poor and i'm going to have to work like a month just to deal with the current situation, let alone trying to figure out a way to not have to deal with it anymore, LET ALONE any of the things i wanted to fucking save up money to be able to do

it's just actually fucking hopeless like life is just misery and suffering ok

#narfvent

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kiddokori · 2 years

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its so fucked up i have to go to class and do homework and study and cant just hang out w my rats all day. dont my professors understand they are very special little girls and deserve playtime 24/7

#like. ive been so busy the past week or so that the girls will just sit on my chest and let me pet them for awhile after i let them out #because they havent seen me all day #and its very very sweet and makes me happy because theyre adorable but also. ny schedule is horrendous #i either sleep in because im tired or i have to get up early but either way i almost immediately go to class after i get up and dont get hom #home until like. 7 8 9 pm #and like i have breaks throughout the day but its not long enough to drive home and back to campus again #and then i stay up late to let the rats play #so im tired again #tis a viscous cycle #why did i get an evening class and a morning class back to back. whyd i do that to myself #i didnt do it to myself i actually had a much better schedule planned and then my school went actually no you need to take this class AFTER #THE TERM HAD ALREADY STARTED. so i had to drop one class and replace it with TWO classes so i was still meeting my credit hour requirements #like i have to strategically skip classes to be able to do laundry because i just. do not have the energy for it otherwise #anyways #im on spring break next week :)

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fagarlic · 2 years

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going on a tolerance break, feel free to read more or ignore as you wish, but as always do not. r.b.

so im gonna give up a few of my vices for a good while. ive been at a place w some of my habits where im not rlly getting the result im wanting from them and its kinda just dragging me down. like if im gonna be feeling dissatisfied and irritable with it i can very well just deal with feeling dissatisfied and irritable without it. ive been watching a lot of stuff lately about general drug use, even stuff that i have not and will never knowingly mess with, and w all this info on what separates good experiences from bad ones really comes a lot down to the chemical reactions to the stimulus and mindset. like basically any behavior has the potential to become addictive if it causes a particularly strong reaction with the dopamine receptors. and the whole developing tolerance thing sucks. and itll happen whether its a substance or a behavior (though strong chemical addiction moves beyond problematic to genuinely dangerous in terms of withdrawal - thankfully not for anything ive got issues with - so itll suck but i dont have to worry that doing a tolerance break will like. kill me or fuck up my organs. honestly my lungs will be a lot happier if i also pause on the cbd bud as well, depending on how i tackle this. i have a tincture but i know it also contains a small amount of thc. its only like 1.3mg/serving and generally im only taking that or 1.5 servings which would still be like 2mg/serving but part of me still feels like id need to cut the thc out more than that idk. ik the cbd flower has a very negligible amount of thc so if im just missing the habit i think id do alright w switching over to cbd flower since that was actually going rlly well for me for a while (not in a trying to quit way, just in a mental health management way) so for a while there i was getting real strong into the cbd aspect, then i did some blends w some more thc heavy strains, had a few notable experiences and now im here. it sucks bc i KNOW that if i were literally just living on my own i wouldnt be having the problems im having with this stuff. like so much of the drive w my maladaptive behaviors (which im absolutely not saying these things Definitively Are, All The Time bc they really arent, but rn im not doing them bc i enjoy them, im doing them bc 1 im chasing the dragon and 2 its a way to get away from my family bc the way ive been living has been driving me out of my mind. truly the only reason i didnt lose it sooner was bc there was a long stretch of time (aside from the points where my sleep schedule was super fucked up, largely in part due to trying to figure out what way i could behave in my situation to make myself feel safe + i was out of the house for most of the day p much every day for months and months, which obviously helped. honestly if the weather werent what it has been right now id honestly be fine being outside just reading but its been wet and cold and now its getting super dark too so its a lot harder for me to find affordable ways to be somewhere that doesnt make me go fucking insane. and at least if im smoking weed it feels like i have a reason to be out in those conditions and it does make me feel better about them to a certain degree (aka barely enough lol) like literally if i just had my own tiny shack (properly weatherproof) in the middle of [redacted local nature area, and if u know me irl no it isnt the one youd be guessing]. enough for a bed Only or chair Only id be better off than i am right now. and i would absolutely be able to maintain healthier habits. i finally applied for housing but i havent got any notice of being pre-approved yet so i guess i still have to wait on that. i really hope i get to the top of that list sooner rather than later cuz i really am losing my fuckign mind. if youve read this far tell me about ur day or something cool uve been wanting to share but feels too weird/random to bring up normally idk lol. ily <3

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tiredalreadyvv · 2 years

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im soo scared of jinxing it by posting this but i havent binged in three weeks as of today and this is what helped me the most:

-upper-mid to high restriction, i set my goal to 1100 which is a number i try to both hit and stay under, if im between 700-1400 calories tho i dont beat myself up too much bc my body just needed less or more that day, i dont ride out hunger anymore i make sure i’m satiated

-waking up early and going to bed early, smth about it positively impacted my mental health a lot (which i’ve never been able to do before but a series of all nighters readjusted my sleep schedule to that by accident so now im doing my best to stick to it), i eat most of my food at the start of the day and then i’m less hungy by the end

-avoiding added sugars and focusing on natural sugars and artificial sweeteners here and there, i find that added sugar causes me to binge almost always so i started cutting it out and did a few super high natural sugar days to reset my palate, fruit and honey and stuff, and it helped a LOT. i dont demonize sugar though, i just see it as something that may cause me to not feel great, tried dissasociating it with weight gain. and im still able to get in treats and stuff w sweetener versions of things and protein bars etc

-adding healthy fats to my diet, for a while i avoided fats so i could eat more volume but nuts, olive oil, egg yolks etc are SO satiating and make me less likely to want to cave and binge later

-not beating myself up if i go over my calorie limit/not rewarding myself if i stay far under, just trying to adopt neutrality about it like “ok, i guess that’s the level of energy i needed today! tomorrow’s a new day, and i’ll eat however much i need to again even if that number is the same or different” and genuinely mean it, not “i’ll start tomorrow/i’ll do better tomorrow”, legitimate neutrality. ur body is smart and wants to help you even if your brain doesn’t it WILL level itself out by giving u proper cues to the best of its ability if you’re able to work yourself up to giving it the reins

-on that note, also keeping track of what things make you eat more or less. for example, i just got my booster and i knew in order to prevent getting too sick i couldn’t dramatically undereat, so i upped my intake for the day, trying to make sure a lot of that was nutrient dense foods (i prepped the night before so i had easy means to eat well) and guess what? i ate just like normal the next day and felt way better than if i tried to low restrict (like i did when i got my first dose back in april, i was on a v long fast and was considering going to the hospital)

ofc there’s more to this shit and none of it is like, easy overnight stuff that you just decide to do otherwise none of us would be Having Problems, but this is at least what’s been helping me and im just hoping i can keep it up, hopefully at least one thing can resonate w someone else idk. stay safe

#vviirraa.txt

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paneerlajwanti · 3 years

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What do u do when you are overwhelmed by college? Like there isn't anything much to do but I keep postponing everythin and procrastinating, I just can't focus on anything, and it's been like tht this entire sem, idk what I'll do once exams start🥺🥺 I can't even focus on developing any skills which might prove useful. To sum it up, I can't seem to do anything other than sleeping and worrying about how I'm not doing anything. Is there anything that you do which helps when you can't focus?🥺

Also, I love your blog(and you too) and you are so sweet and nice😘😘

hi anon, (this is an ask for you and an order for me, at least if i write this out, i might be able to implement at least a small portion of it in my actual life),, im actually the worst person to ask for this because more than often, a lot of things spiral out of control, on my own will with nobody to blame. im actually proud of how well i dragged myself through this semester,, even though thats something not to be proud of.

i dont know what i do when i get overwhelmed by college. if i had a schedule and if i wouldve not been as dependent on unhealthy coping mechanisms then maybe i wouldve been less overwhelmed.

so i would like to first fix that. i would firstly like to create a schedule, not the optimistic "ideal adarsh baccha" kind, but a realistic timetable that i actually relate to without having to cut down on my downtime and feeling guilty about it. i create blocks of different sectors of mylife instead of hyper-minute goals and lists. they scare me and i never end up doing everything required, even though lists and planning can give a sense of accompllishment. blame my time management skills for that.

i do procrastinate A LOT. i mean at an astronomical level, i wont even budge from my comfort zone and get things working until the deadline is very near and its very dangerous and i dont have time,, apparently the only way i have ever functioned in the past and even now is if theres a pressing influence of either time, people or impressing.

i dont also have a good study routine, but i also dont have the right motivation or attention span to dedicate time to it.

what really helps me is taking notes. taking notes multiple times and in different ways, writing it down or creating a mind-map of sorts atleast keeps your mind involved, you dont feel guilty that you havent studied at all, and youre able to overview the contents of the subject.

i keep my spirits up with music. i actually have study music playlists that i play, that actually helps me a lot. also, bold of me to say that decluttering my room and organizing my things clears my mind and makes me feel a little better when i dont even do it regularly unless urgent need to. (even though it takes up energy to do that too and i often marinate in the chaos)

i understand exactly how you feel. you're not alone. dont pull yourself down, you are trying your best and youre progressing, one day at a time. im proud of you.

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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Everything feels so quiet again. I hate this about being nocturnal. At least during the day more people are around and online and I might have a little interaction. I wonder if I'll ever get my body clock to function on a 24hr schedule. Even as a child and teenager I've always had sleeping problems though. My body clock has always fought against regular timing. I definitely find it easiest when I'm actually excited to get up for something in particular, but that's not all there is to it. Besides that feels like a tall ask right now.

I've been crying a lot recently. I dont usually cry that much at all but the past month maybe, in increasing frequency, and the majority of the past few days, I'm always on the verge of or in tears. I'm on so much prozac I can sometimes feel it pushing me to just smile through it and do something, but I think my mind wins over it when it sees that my 5 minutes of positivity didnt bring luck like everyone says it will. I'm tempted to lower my dose just so I can at least be consistently sad. Part of me hopes I'd get bad enough to SH and do more noticeable stuff so someone will realise how I feel, but part of me knows that's not how itll work and I'll just do those things and feel even worse because I'm still by myself. Most of me feels guilty because that's the dramatic stereotype and nobody likes an attention seeker, but most of me also knows it's not socially acceptable to directly ask for help and support. The times I've said a thing about how bad I feel, very obviously in need of support, i havent got it. So if i did something more, i still wouldnt get it, but I'd just be bothering people even more by letting them see. But then maybe I'd actually get the balls to just end it properly and get it over with. But I also know I'm not someone who'd do something so final without exhausting all options first, which means I'd also say that more directly, and then the same issue applies.

I'm so sick of feeling like this. I feel like such a waste of space and it's the same problem where I need x to do y but I need y to get z and I need z to get x. Whenever I try to force myself to break that cycle alone, I burn out. I feel worse for the fact that I'm doing it alone. I feel like theres no point in achieving any of it if I'm still alone. I did so much growing up by myself and doing way too much and all it got me was a bit more time alive so I could watch everyone else actually live and realise how cut off i was. Last time i had a major breakdown i came out of it over time but i felt worse afterwards than before because of the fact that I'd had to deal with it alone. I felt resentful of all the people who saw me say outright on my social media 'I feel really terrible and I need support/dont think I can deal with this alone/etc' and either said nothing or just briefly acknowledged it then continued on. I didnt really get over it, I just stopped in the same way a baby learns to stop crying eventually if nobody comes. So i came out of the breakdown with the resentful and anxious feeling that i cant really rely on anyone and am truly alone.

Now I'm so much more sensitive. Of course I'm more sensitive. I'm scared this is more permanent mental shit that I wont be able to get rid of. I cant stay like this forever. I never used to be this bad. But I had some outlets at least, and some hope that it might be different at some point. Now it feels like I'm just so worn out and I need to rest and be protected but the longer I go without it the more I need and the more impossible it gets and then I feel like theres no point in trying because theres no way to fix the cycle. Not without some anime-level miracle.

All I can do is drink and hope I get distracted by something else for a while. Hope I get chatty and confident enough to send the first messages and make the first posts, hope the audience happens to be responsive. Hope I come up with some kind of idea that'll keep me busy and entertained.

There was a day a few months ago where I drank a lot over the course of a day, and I started getting really bad palpitations where my heart was stopping for a few seconds at a time and restarting painfully. It especially stopped whenever I lay down and kept still, ie when I was trying to sleep. I thought I was probably going to die in the night so I wrote out a little note on my phone just in case. But I was kind of happy about it. For whatever reason, a few friends had been online and we'd all talked a lot, and I'd had things to do, and we talked about what we were doing throughout that day, and we all screwed around and shitposted, and it was just nice. It didnt feel so much like quarantine as just long distance friends and I felt like if that was gonna be my last day then so be it.

Of course, I didnt die. It turned out my meds needed adjusting so I did that and the palpitations lessened. I kind of wish I did just die. I guess it's morose. But it would have taken the guesswork and worrying out of all this. I'm just so tired. Its not that I dont want to get better and enjoy life. I just dont know if I can. I dont know if theres too much damage been done. I was already a difficult case before the pandemic but it's really fucked me over a lot and brought up a lot of old and new insecurities and I dont know if I'm really able to make the transition to something normal and okay.

My heart palpitations are bad again right now. Today it's because of restricting food. Theres some kind of weak heart trait in my family so I've always had the occasional palpitation, but they get bad sometimes. It's not painful right now, just weak. If I breathe too deeply it loses rhythm. I keep beginning to hyperventilate from anxiety and my heart gets irregular and weird. Of course as I say that I get some pain.

I dont feel like I can eat more though. I did have a meal for dinner. Low calorie, but a meal. So my calories for today weren't super low. One thing that's always consistent about my thing with food etc is the control element. That when everything is bad, I need something to go my way, and this is all I can do. I dont know.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Probably not. But I really want to. I really need to. It only takes small things, small distractions to keep me going. If I can just survive long enough to keep at some things to change my situation, maybe I can get out of this. But if I crack, I drink and binge and do other things that make me feel worse. I dont know. I'm trying to drag myself along but I guess it doesn't look like I'm doing anything at all.

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

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Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up.

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not.

How many bedrooms are in your house? four.

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby.

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric.

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy.

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment.

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times.

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more.

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

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aerosolar · 4 years

Photo

I DID IT I DIPPED MY FEET IN THE MLP NEXT GEN POOL.....idk how this happened i just got suddenly struck with the need to do so a few days ago and I havent been able to stop since.

the pics have captions if u click on them, but i wrote a more in depth explanation for all of them under the cut! and by more in depth i mean i thought about this way too hard and already have storylines written out in my head oops. click the read more if you dare, it is super long under there im not kidding.

OK LETS DO THIS

1 and 2: Sunset eventually returns home to Equestria, saying goodbye to her human friends (although she visits often) Twilight offers to let her stay with her and the two naturally become very close. Considering how instrumental Twilight was in helping Sunset become a better person, and how much they have in common, what with being magical unicorns (or alicorn in twilights case) and former pupils of celestia, it only makes sense that they eventually become a couple. twilights original idea was to adopt a child in need of a home, kind of like what she did with spike (and that might still happen ;3), but one day twilight and sunset decide to cast some strange super old spell they find in some forbidden book and....Whoops! Baby! Silver Lining is immediately adored by her two mothers tho, and she grows up to be not only a powerful magic user but also a very kind and sweet pony.

3 and 4: Pinkie encouraging her son, Orange Cream Soda, to overcome his fear over his first day at school. Pinkie and Fluttershy briefly dated for a while! Pinkie loved helping Fluttershy get out of her shell. Although they both had fun and enjoyed each others company, neither really took the relationship very seriously. It isn’t until Pinkie turns up pregnant that the two of them have an actual conversation about what they want in the relationship. Together they decide that the relationship isn’t quite working, and they agree to just stay friends and take turns parenting their soon to be son. Orange Cream grows to be a very friendly colt, but also a very shy and secluded one. He has Fluttershy’s timid nature, on top of the feelings of awkwardness he has about having two parents who love him very much, but aren’t together. Eventually, he moves in permanently with the apple family when Fluttershy marries Applejack.

5, 6, and 7: Applejack and Fluttershy! This was the first ship I planned out because I am just so weak for them together. Flutters doesn’t feel the need to step out of her comfort zone too much when shes with AJ, and the two of them together excel at providing a warm and loving home for all creatures. After a long time together, and lots of serious talks making sure they’re on the same page, they decide to have kids! Their first being Pink Lady, whose personality and special talent is the very embodiment of the kindness and hospitality that AJ and Fluttershy’s relationship provides. She’s quickly followed by Sun Crisp AKA Sunny, Dandelion, and Red Angus. Plus Orange Cream, who’s immediately accepted as the new big brother of the family.

8: Pinkie and Luna.....That’s right bitches I’m shipping an alicorn princess with the fucking 4th wall breaking cupcake addict, my brain is huge. Pinkie, although ultimately happier with her separation with Fluttershy, is still a bit dejected with her life for a bit. As shown in the show, Pinkie gets pretty depressed when she feels her friends don’t like her. And although she knows for a fact that she has plenty of friends, all of whom love her, she begins to worry for a bit that she’s not mature enough to raise her son by herself, not to mention not being mature enough for a serious relationship after her one with Flutters fell apart. During one of her famous parties, she notices Luna step out for a bit and decides to follow her. They talk for a bit, and they both realize they have more in common than previously thought. Turns out that being considered obnoxious, hyper, and childish gives the same feeling as being considered terrifying, strange, and out of touch; that of feeling like an outcast. Over time they bond, reassure each other of their inherent worth, and eventually fall in love!

9 and 10: Luna and Pinkie’s kids, Sugar Moon and Laughing Gas! Sugar Moon is a natural born alicorn, and certainly looks the part. but you don’t get to be the daughter of the princess of the night and a sugar addicted party animal and have a regular sleep schedule. she has constant bags under her eyes, chugs coffee mixed with nyquil, and literally never knows what day it is. she is the least composed pony in existence, but she remains chill despite this. who cares if she hasnt slept in over 42 hours. shes got a discount on the nearby donut shop and some snazzy heart sunglasses, she’ll be fine. Laughing Gas is a bit more well adjusted, but god knows they aren’t safe from the insanity of being luna and pinkies child. they’re a dentist, which means they have the unenviable task of dealing with pinkies cavity filled mouth on a constant basis. that and their auntie celestia’s too. celestia already had a sweet tooth, and it only got worse when pinkie moved in and enabled it. Laughing Gas isn’t an alicorn like their sister, but they’re just fine being a regular old unicorn. Despite being the dentist child of the element of laughter and a literal god-like being, they’re happy living a relatively normal life. Or as normal a life you can have when you’re full name is Nitrous Laughing Gas Oxide and your job involves sedating other ponies so you can poke at their teeth. Dentists are fucking weird, man.

congrats, you read everything. i am genuinely sorry for you.

#mlp fim #mlp next gen #twiset #pinkieshy #appleshy #i dont think pinkie and luna have a ship name? lol #the fucked up part is this isnt even all of it i have MORE art #im in deep #long post

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yyxgin · 3 years

Note

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!!

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!!

ily <333

#💌ask #🌻 anon

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adam-42-man · 3 years

Text

A small retrospective.

I know this last year on the whole has been relatively pants. One of the things i managed to gain from it though was a pretty consistent sleeping pattern. And jesus christ, the difference it had made in my life is unbelievable. I know im still kot rested enough but thats gonna take time to get too, years of sleep abuse to make up for.

My appetite increased, i have more energy, and the depressive spirals happen so much less frequently. When they do happen they are nowhere near as strong.

I finished a course a couple of weeks ago and i havent been able to get my mojo back together after it. Nothing to be up for really.

I take back thst last line. I have things to be up for, if im not up i cant talk to the people i want to talk too, i miss the opportunities that Erris brings, i can see myself stagnating when i just dont get up.

Either way.

My sleep schedules messed up at the moment and its bringing me back to all those sleepless anxiety ridden nights id lie here scrolling through this site. Im in a much better place its just weird how your head goes back into its old habits so quick.

Ive also got an interview tomorrow so i know thats deffimitely helping to keep me awake.

But yeah just needed a place to get this out and im feeling better for it.

If you read all this, thank you for your time.

Kind regards,

Adam.

P.s. hey adam, thats right im talking to you, this helped, i know you dont read your old posts so you can say it now, good work!

#magical diary #me #sleep schedule #its worth it

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kumoriyami-xiuzhen · 5 years

Text

Hakuoki Hana no Shou Hijikata After Story Translation Attempt

My attempt at translating the “ Hakuoki Shinkai Hana no shou Stellaworth Early Reservation Bonus’ HIjikata Toshizou short story [ 「薄桜鬼真改華ノ章」ステラワース早期予約特典　ブロマイド土方歲三] from Chinese to English with lots of editing and mtl help...

The Shinsengumi oni-tan drama is going to take a while to translate since i’m worrying more about accuracy since the recent translations i added to my list were only available as jpgs... and none of the text extractors i’ve used have been able to extract an error-less version of all the words... also doesn’t help that the text is really small on these images so on some of the more complicated characters just can’t be replaced by me rewriting the word on google by hand... *sigh*.

On a side note, please check out my updated tumblr page since I put together a list of some of the Hakuoki dramas that I’m looking for as I translations for them (”Stuff I’m looking for” creative title, i know.). That list will probably won’t be updated anytime soon since anything I don’t have the audio for (in relation to the dramas anyway) has a very low priority for me to work on.

--------------------------------

Hakuoki Shinkai Hanashou Stellaworth Early Reservation Bonus Hijikata Toshizou After Story

Translation by KumoriYami

A few months after the Republic of Ezo's surrender to the new Meiji government-

The man known as the demon vice-commander, former Shinsengumi vice-commander Hijikata Toshizou has been living in a secluded house in the mountains.

Hearing of the Meji era's turbulence, but here, such tension cannot be felt/ (Despite) hearing of the Meiji era's turbulence, such change cannot be felt here.

“Hijikata-san.... No, Toshizou-san, it's time to get up. It's almost noon.”

He heard someone calling him from beside the bed.

Her name was Yukimura Chizuru. Due to unfortunate circumstances, she lived with the Shinsengumi and had continued to follow Hijikata to Ezo, eventually becoming his partner [the translation doesn't use the word 'wife' here].

"Really, quiet down [Hijikata probably says 'shut up’ here]. It's just oversleeping a bit. It's not like (I) have anything to do anyway/there's anything to do anyway.

Hijikata did not rise from bed and bluntly spoke.

"Although that's true..." 　 Chizuru softly muttered, then quietly whispered.

"........Hijikata-san has changed."

"Really?"

Hijikata gently rolled over to her side. He glanced at Chizuru who was now looking at him with a bewildered expression.

He looked up at the ceiling, muttering to himself.

"When I was vice-commander, the schedule was full everyday, and it was impossible to sleep for a long time/sleep in."

"Because the Hijikata-san then would blame/get upset at those who overslept."

Recalling their time in Kyoto, Chizuru laughed.

"That so..."

Although it hasn’t even been a year since the end of the war, it felt like more than a decade ago.

He believed that he had done his duty as the Shinsengumi's vice-commander together/along with Kondou-san, fighting as (true) warriors until the end. (Though) Nowadays, it was not good to reminisce about the secular world.

(I don't know/wonder how the surviving members are doing now...)

He heard that Shimada, Souma, as well as Saito, survived. According to rumours Souma had surrendered to the new government as the chief/representative of the Shinsengumi.... that is to say that the Shinsengumi surrendered.

Because of the new government's surveillance, we were unable to get in touch with them and could only hope that the name “Shinsengumi" would not become a hindrance/burden to the surviving members.

(I once thought that as long as I could die in battle, I would die without regrets...)

As Hijikata thought of this, he turned his gaze to Chizuru who was at his bedside.

At least now he can still live like this, just because of her(/At least now he has a reason to live because of her).

"Toshizou-san...?"

Noticing that his expression seemed a bit lost , she worriedly called Hijikata's name.

Wanting to dispel the embarrassment he felt, he reached to put/pull Chizuru in his arms.

"Eh...!?"

With a yell/yelp, she fell to the bed.

"Tha-that, Toshizou-san!"

Because of his abrupt behaviour, she couldn't help but yell/scream/raise her voice. Although they have been living under the same roof for a few months, it seemed like she was still not used to this.

In order to hold on to Chizuru who was trying to get up/away/escape, he tightened his grasp.

"What's wrong? Is it strange for a husband to treat his wife like this?"

Hijikata secretly smiled to himself at her reaction, asking her slyly.

"(It's) not strange... but, the food is going to get cold."

"Isn't it better to heat it up later? Compared to this..."

Having spoken, Hijikata made such a suggestion as he peered into Chizuru's eyes.

In his eyes/opinion, Chizuru seemed to be embarrassed as she lowered her eyes/gaze, though he did not see any signs of rejection.

Hijikata narrowed his eyes, seemingly urging her for a kiss.

Chizuru's ears were red as she whispered shyly.

"That... Toshizou-san, it's still day time?"

"What about that? There's no one watching."

"Isn't not that there is no one watching...."

Chizuru fell silent after she spoke/after Chizuru finished, they fell into silence, Hijikata held her before him, and kissed her lips in a predatory manner.

He then used the strength of his arms, tightening his grasp on her, to ensure that she could not escape as he deepened their kiss.

She seemed a bit bewildered at first, but then Chizuru also began responding to his kisses. Hijikata felt that she was very cute. 　 When their lips finally separated, Chizuru seemed unable to move and leaned on Hijikata.

“Really, you'd (think that you would) be used to this by now?”

His teasing words made Chizuru speak up/respond with indignation.

"That's because Toshizou-san always moves so abruptly. It wasn't like that before..."

"This is the real me. There's no burden (for me) to bear, no need to wear the mask of a demon anymore."

No matter what happens, she will not leave Hijikata - this strength and determination of hers is something that she has shown him countless times.

After, Chizuru buried her face into Hijikata's chest and spoke/replied.

....Regardless of how Toshizou-san looks/appears/is, I love it/you.

Such words/this sentence was/is the sweetest honey in the world, so Hijikata thought.

End

———

I’ve been able to translate a tad faster since I recognize more words now (though it’s a bit harder for me since i grew up learning traditional characters and the simplified ones make my head hurt at times... so i’ll be dragging my feet on some things)... but without the audio (in any Chinese dialect) my speaking ability isn’t really going to improve... *facepalm*

i also just noticed that i made errors in the two toshizous drama subs... im going to blame the hai toshizo vid for those errors in spelling..... ah ha ha.... oh well. T.T idc enough to fix it...also I can’t translate the 9th biyroi since I can’t access it...also havent bothered checking which ones are inaccessible to me either.. *sigh*.

#hakuouki #Hakuoki #Hakuoki Short Story Translation #Hakuoki Other Translation #Hijikata toshizou #yukimura chizuru #hakuoki shinkai

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fisherfurbearer · 4 years

Text

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg #and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me #why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours #straight up ignoring me #she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY #ITS SO FRUSTRATING #AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE #scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself #and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7 #WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY #AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO #BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S #SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT #TO SAY 0.94 CENTS #WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT #THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE #BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES #NO ONE FUCKING CARES #I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE #id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person #but this isntt...ok #i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse

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bnha-imagines-and-hcs · 5 years

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I'd like to hc that the ex villain s/o grew up in am abusive villain family? Like all they know is how to do harm and havent experienced people being patient with them. With this is mind, please may i request hcs/a drabble for the s/os toxic family member trying to hunt them down, maybe as revenge or in deluded hopes that their family wants to get back together? How would class 1A react? Thank you for reading all of this haha :"^)

Hey sweetie! Thanks for specifying your request! I did my best to makethese not to repetitive because let´s be honest no one is just gonna sit thereand do nothing when this is going on, so I apologize if some of these aresimilar!

This post turned out ENORMOUSLY long, so the scenariosare under the cut! Also short warning: Tokoyami´s and Todoroki´s parts are mildlyangsty.

YugaAoyama: Aoyama might not be the bravest of them all,but he stays surprisingly… calm? He has full trust into UA´s security system sohe doesn´t see you in immediate danger. Yet he understands that to you this isnot light issue. At first, he doesn´t really know what to do so he startsacting a little awkward around you. After a few days of wondering you noticethat he is giving his all to distract you from what is going on. All he wantsis for you to get through this unharmed so he does all these weird things thatwill keep your attention on him and nothing else.

MinaAshido: Is your knight in shining armor. Shehelps you by staying very positive about the whole thing. She´s the firstperson you´ve ever really trusted and to hear her say that everything is goingto be fine somehow sounds more convincing than hearing it from anyone else. Shecalms you down with her confident attitude, making it easier to believe thatthe past can´t get you anymore. Mina poses as a role-model for you to become justas bright and confident!

TsuyuAsui: Possibly the best s/o you could have in asituation like this. She really sees things for what they are and nothing else.And she sees that in any way the thought of your past coming after you has tobe extremely pressuring. She doesn´t really mention it in your day to dayconversation as to give you something to hold onto. Routine is extremelyimportant in troubling times. If you want to talk about it Tsuyu will listencarefully and talk about the matter calmly, similar to Ojiro. She´s always byyour side in these times cuddling you even more often than usual.

TenyaIida: Immediately begs you to consultauthority. He can´t stand the thought of you being in danger especially sincethis is someone from your past that could not only physically but psychologicallyhurt you. He can barely hold back tears when he thinks of how far you´ve comeand this is something he absolutely doesn´t want you to ever have to go throughagain. He feels a little better as soon as you´ve told authority about thisfamily member but will not budge from your side unless he absolutely has tountil the issue is resolved. He simply cannot risk having another person heloves hurt by a villain.

OchacoUraraka: She provides you all the emotionalsupport she can give. She helps you get through the day never missing a chanceto make life easier for you because “You never ask for anything. But when youdo I´d do anything to fulfill that.” Honestly, she´s just always thereencouraging you to go on with your life as you are right now because it´s theright decision and you have nothing to be afraid of since you´ve got theentirety of UA on your side. She´s so happy that you two have met and wants youto feel loved at all times just like you deserve.

MashiraoOjiro: Helps by being the rock in the surf. Hestays exceptionally calm to show you that you are safe where you are now. He actuallysits you down to have a talk about the current issue. He calmly tells you thatUA´s security system is completely waterproof and almost all of the staff areworking pro hero´s that have successfully apprehended villains many times. Helistens to your concerns and understands that you still feel scared since thisperson was part of your family and you know very well what they are capable of.He takes you seriously which is something you haven´t really experienced yet.Ojiro tells you that you don´t have to be afraid as often as you need to hearit to believe it.

DenkiKaminari: Positively does not know what to do. Howdoes one handle this? He just wants to hold you and tell you everything isgoing to be okay and that he´ll protect you no matter what. But he doesn´tbecause he doesn´t know how that would make you feel. However, should he seeyou acting out of the ordinary or look even a little sad he immediately forgetsabout that and just comforts you and smothers you with attention even if youshould tell him that you´re okay. He keeps on muttering while stroking yourhair and telling you how sorry he feels and how much he loves you. He´s justthe sweetest until you can´t help but feel a little better.

EijiroKirishima: Kirishima deals with the situationexceptionally well. He just has a good sense of how other people feel and how toimprove their condition. He texts you first thing in the morning asking how you´veslept. When you see each other, he can immediately tell what you need that day.Even the teachers notice how big of a help he is to you. Aizawa and All Might talkto him at one point giving you and him permission to meet up even after curfewshould that be beneficial to your mental health. He´s just that good.

Koji Koda: Koda is not the aggressive type at all. So instead of getting angry andfocusing on the person that is trying to get to you he focuses on making surethat you feel safe and comfortable. If you´re feeling anxious he´s thereto hold your hand and help you through it. If you have a lot on your mind, he´sthere to listen and help you collect your thoughts. If you can´t sleep at night,he will go as far as disregarding the rules and sneaking into your room orletting you into his at night depending on where you feel more comfortable. Hedoes everything he can so you can rest assured that nothing´s going to happento you at UA and that your decision to come here was the best you ever made.

RikidoSato: He just turns into the biggest worriedsweetheart in existence. Asks you if you need anything at least once everytwenty minutes. Sato monitors your behavior immediately sensing when somethingis wrong. He helps you to keep up with your schedule and your needs. He cheersyou on whenever you are eating even though you don´t feel like it. He waits downstairsfor you in the morning, so you don´t have to go to class alone. He supports youeverywhere he can in daily life. Again, routine is important for a person in emotionaltrouble. He sees that and makes sure that you always have an anchor to holdonto.

MezoShoji: Shoji is just…the best at making you feela little safer. Even though he is a sweetheart, most people wouldn´t start afight with him due to his appearance. He is also very hard to ambush due to hisinformation gathering skills. But the best part about this? Shoji is so good athugging. His form is large enough to almost encase you completely and there´sless things more comforting than that. Not to mention that he´s actually verysensitive to your needs and your thoughts. He helps you by just being there foryou.

KyokaJiro: Jiro is the one that freaks out most ofthe bunch. She is very close to demand for you to get personal security by thepolice. In UA of course that is not necessary, but she only calms down when youyourself say that you believe the protection of the school should be fine. Shecan´t help but be more nervous than usual though. It does comfort her thatshe´d always be one of the first to be able to tell should something be out ofthe ordinary thanks to her quirk. She comforts you. But you also have tocomfort her from time to time.

HantaSero: Just does his best to cheer you up everyday. He´s fully prepared to make an ass out of himself multiple times per dayif it leads to you smiling. Sero is bending backwards to let you forget aboutthe gravity of life for a while when you´re with him. You´ve had enough darktimes in your life, he´s decided. You don´t need to have that ruined bywhatever pathetic moron would try to take you from him. Doesn´t say it but isabsolutely ready to hurt someone badly if it was to keep you safe. You shouldn´thave to worry about anything.

FumikageTokoyami: He starts having trouble sleeping atnight. Because Dark Shadow is even harder to control when he feels angry. Eventhough it´s not easy for either of you this experience brings you closer. Onenight you sneak out of bed and knock on his door because you´re feeling toanxious to do anything. When he opens up, he doesn´t appear to have slept either.He just silently lets you in and you spend the night holding each other’s handtightly and silently suffering together. Not being alone was the only thingthat made that night bearable for both of you. The night before was the last timeyou slept in your own bed for the next two weeks.

ShotoTodoroki: Todoroki is in a cold sweat when he hearsthat an abusive family member is after you. It almost causes a panic attack inhimself as he can´t help but immediately project this onto himself. After theinitial strike of fear, he feels anger and hatred bubble up inside of him. Heknows that his own childhood was nothing to sneeze at, but he can´t even imaginehow it must have been for you. He doesn´t talk about the issue with you as heis too uncomfortable thinking about it. He becomes attached to your hip though lookingout for you and demanding that you come sleep in his dorm room. He simply can´tsleep without you for as long as he deems you in danger.

ToruHagakure: Very frazzled. What should she do? Whatdoes one do in this situation to be a good girlfriend. She eventually settles on makingyou feel good often holding your hand, cuddling you or just giving you simpletouches. She´s invisible so she thinks it´s very important that you feel herthere. The last thing she wants is for you to feel bad just because some horribleperson decides to make things harder than they need to be. Tries to make thematter as easy to take for you as possible.

KatsukiBakugo: At first you weren´t sure if you shouldtell him because it was hard to tell what he would do. When he found out, he wasangry. After you tell him your reasons and what´s really going on however hisblood really starts too boil. You´ve been fucking ripping yourself apart tofinally have a better life. You´ve come as far as being able to build arelationship based on mutual respect and trust other than fear and now someonefrom your past DARES to show their ugly mug around here?? Yeah right, Bakugoisn´t having any of that. You really have to hold him back so he doesn´t runoff going after them by himself. You can bet your sweet ass that the personthat´s after you will NOT get close to you.

IzukuMidoriya: Is thoroughly shaken when he first hearsabout it. He is among the ones who has had the most experience with villainswhich means that after the initial shock he gets over it pretty quick andstarts thinking about what the best possible course of action for him is inthis situation. He decides that making sure your mental health isn´t affectedhas the highest priority. He asks you what he can do to make you feel better andfollows your instructions to a T. He asks if it is okay if he follows youaround for a few days. Just so his heart can calm down a little. As soon asthere´s a sighting of your toxic family member he´s off. Against the rules ofcourse. But let´s face it this is Midoriya he will not sit around when his s/ois in danger.

MinoruMineta: I think this one comes as a bit of asurprise since Mineta is generally considered a coward. But he is so not okaywith what is happening. He admires you so much for how you made it out of yoursituation. Coming from an abusive “family” if you could even call it that.Knowing nothing but the principal of eat or be eaten. And then you pulledyourself up with your own strength that came from nothing and managed to get afresh start in life with almost no help at all. He is fully aware that he couldnever do what you accomplished and for someone to have the audacity anddisregard all of the obvious rejection you have shown them just makes him…mad. It might not sound very convincing but trust me. Mineta is looking out foryou. There´s no way someone is taking you away from him.

MomoYaoyorozu: Momo worries a lot. This doesn´t bodewell with her. She asks you if you´ve told anyone and advises you to do so. Shetries her best to stay calm around you as to not worry you further, but she isvery nervous about the whole thing. She almost needs more comforting than youdo. But don´t be fooled she is prepared for every single eventuality. She has aperfect plan if she should ever come across this “family member” of yours. Andit´s not pretty. Momo rests uneasy until the issue is resolved. She just wantsyou to finally be able to live a life where youset the standards.

I hope this is what you were looking for my lovely anon!

-Love, Mod Anni

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