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if-the-crown-fits-translate-it · 3 years

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Discord pt 106

[Date: 28/03, 2:57 AM GMT - 28/03, 3:40 AM GMT]

[Direct continuation of pt 105]

jayyyyyyyy: “can I assume you both like the color pink? or am I just reaching”

[Duke: “However, civility is the noblest pillar of which humanity stands on. Please cease your fighting you two, it can be easily discussed later.”]

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “y'know what fine I don't want to get shrunk any further so I'll try not to argue for now, sorry if I upset you”

Jack the Observer: “I'm sorry, Duke and Duchess, I was about to retire for the night when I noticed you had arrived. I must be on my way, but I hope you will find this humble place at least interesting :)”

Duchess: “Of course; you need not neglect your rest for our sake. Have a lovely night.”

Duke: “Thank you! I wish you happy dreams and sweet slumber.”

llyr (they/them): “ooh, what about favorite animals, if you two have one?

jayyyyyyyy: “I’m still curious-- is your favorite color pink?”

Duchess: “I would say our favorite animal would be cats. And yes- we are both guite fond of pink.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “why are you asking for colors? this isn't normally something we ask-”

Duke: “It represents such glorious things, pink. Both soft and strong, loving and deceiving, cool yet warm.”

jayyyyyyyy: “nice! I’m not too big on pink, but its a really nice color”

jayyyyyyyy: “hey siblings, do you want to hear a fun fact about pink?”

Luna Stories: “Hey, what did I miss?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke and Duchess are here”

Big G (they/them): “Apologies for not speakin in ender, Im too tired right now. But pink is a nice choice!”

Luna Stories: “Oh!”

[Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “why are you asking for colors? this isn't normally something we ask-”]

Big G (they/them): “We don't normally ask this?”

Duchess: “Certainly, Jay! what is it?”

Duke: “The Korat and Dragon Li are my favourite out of the feline breeds I feel compelled to add. Cat is such a widespread response it only feels fair to gift you with more.”

jayyyyyyyy: “theres actually a specific color pink that Icant really remember the name of that, when standing in a room with the walls painted the pink, would lower your strength by 30%”

[Big G (they/them): “We don't normally ask this?”]

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “no we normally ask things like, fit check, favorite number, chicken nugets, circlet color n' stuff, memories about meeting crown, etc. etc.. I dont think we've ever asked about colors in the first bunch of questions-”

jayyyyyyyy: “the nfl had to ban teams from using it because they would go and paint their opposing teams locker rooms the color before games”

Big G (they/them): “Well that's very odd, huh.”

jayyyyyyyy: “scientifically theres no reasonable explanation for it, but it still happens. its very intriguing”

Duchess: “That is very fascinating!”

llyr (they/them): “actually, that's a fair point :3″

Duke: “How interesting!”

jayyyyyyyy: “mhm! I’ve always wondered about it, but could never even think of an reasoning”

llyr (they/them): “what's you two's opinions on chicken nuggets??”

Big G (they/them): “and on soup?”

Duke: “I am unfamiliar with this dish known as chicken nuggets. It... Is a dish correct?”

Duchess: “Oh, I think they're a fine food! I did enjoy them regularly as a child. And soup is a wonderfully versatile dish.”

jayyyyyyyy: “aWHATA”

jayyyyyyyy: “Duchess, has Duke never had chicken nuggets?”

Duchess: “Duke... Again, I apologize. I am unsure as to why he is... Like this. We have both certainly had chicken nuggets before.”

jayyyyyyyy: “I was about to be so upset if Duke never had chicken nuggets”

Duke: “Duchess, we have not? Not to my recollection - what in the world do you mean?”

Big G (they/them): “jay, friend, I think you should hide your befuddlement you're being a bit rude.”

jayyyyyyyy: “well now I’m just confused

do you guys have alternate memories?”

emuhlee: “I find it quite odd how your experiences differ so much as you're twins, and you ideas and opinions are so similar. very interesting.”

Duchess: “Duke, we definitely...It is fine. Chicken nuggets are small pieces of chicken which are breaded and fried. They are a popular food item for children.”

jayyyyyyyy: “its a genuine question! they seem to be having similar confusion!”

Duke: “Oh, nonsense! we of course do not, we are twins after all! I'd say we even have such a strong connection we could finish each other's sentences. There just must be a simple mix-up in this all, no?"

jayyyyyyyy: “Duke, we gotta get you chicken nuggets, theyre so good”

emuhlee: “my twin and I never really got the hang of finishing each others sentences...”

Duke: “A popular item for children does not sound terribly appealing I'm afraid. With runny noses and sticky palms children have quite... Adverse tastes.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke, Duchess, sorry if this seems rude, but are you two human? it's a genuine question. I apologise if I come off as impolite”

Duke: “Oh! Oh! You have a twin?”

jayyyyyyyy: “although its popular with children, its still very much loved as adults!”

Duchess: “Not at all! we are human, yes.”

emuhlee: “I do! A twin sister :)”

jayyyyyyyy: “I still think Duke should try chicken nuggets. theyre So So Good, not just to children”

llyr (they/them): “Ilike chicken nuggets :3

they taste like. chicken :D”

Big G (they/them): “Wendy's chicken nuggets are really good,”

jayyyyyyyy: “if not nuggets, tenders are also good!”

Duke: “I hope you cherish her, emuhlee.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “Duke have you tried bacon before? if so what'd your opinion on it?”

emuhlee: “oh I do, she's my best friend”

Duke: “Chicken is rather tasty although sometimes almost too salted, I do hope these nuggets will not dissapoint.”

Duke: “I have had bacon, yes. It is quite tasty.”

Duchess: “Apologies to you all, but I have had a rather busy day and I feel it may be time for me to retire for the evening. I will leave you all with my brother and bid a good night. It was delightful to meet you all.”

jayyyyyyyy: “goodbye, Duchess! have a good night!”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “goodnight Duchess!”

Dollar General Tubbo: “Good night, Duchess! Rest well”

llyr (they/them): “goodnight, Duchess!! :3″

emuhlee: “goodnight!”

Duke: “goodnight, sister.”

Duke: “Oh dear me, I have been reminded that I have not given a fit check. I hope I used that sentence correctly?”

emuhlee: “yes, you used it correctly.”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “yeah you did”

Raeva: “I'm a bit late but excited to see Duke and Duchess here”

Duke: “I do not have photos such as my sister but certain family members have said - and I am quoting this so do forgive me if it makes as little sense to you as it does to I- that I am "stealing her look" and "you're basically just wearing her clothes but male dude lmaoooo like you got that bow at your throat but where's the og style? is this a twin thing or do we need to take you shopping? no don't get mad at me I'm just speaking facts."”

Duke: “Raeva, hello! I know of you through my sister, I hoped you enjoyed the conversation you two shared.”

Kate: “Alright, I'm back! Hello again, all!~”

Big G (they/them): “Hullo kate!”

llyr (they/them): “I think I'm actually going to go, heehee. night, y'all!! please be nice to each other :3″

Kate: “Hello! :D”

Raeva: “It was interesting to say the least I don't believe I've spoken to you though.

Night Llry!”

Big G (they/them): “gn llyr”

Duke: “I wish you sweet dreams and soft slumber.”

jayyyyyyyy: “whoever said that to you, Duke, is generally rude and shouldnt have said that

who cares if one person dresses like another? if they like it, let them be”

Big G (they/them): “I would have fought them”

emuhlee: “Duke, I have a question, if you don't mind?”

Renboobigceenzatublraffectionate: “who tf is ur family member?? I will beat their ankles >>:(”

bite I meant bite”

Duke: “I do believe it was meant in jest and it was before they knew us as they do now. It is alright, but I thank you for getting angry on my behalf. What question do you have, Em?”

emuhlee: “Oh! I was just wondering, which of the two of you is oldest?”

Duke: “I am, of course. Do not listen to Duchess if she tells you otherwise, I adore my sister but when it comes to things such as that she likes to bend the truth.”

jayyyyyyyy: “...I sense a little bit of hostility?”

emuhlee: “I see. I understand where she comes about, on that.”

Duke: “Oh! none at all. She is wonderful and kind, my sister. She is a beacon of glory and I love her to my heart's deepest corners - she is the one who I would dive down for into murky waters and toil in horrid sun and sand for. However, it has been an issue since childhood with her claiming to be older. Our parents did not refute her so this has continued on despite the fact she should know better.”

jayyyyyyyy: “I see.. did your parents favor your sister? since thats what it sounds like :(”

Duke: “Oh my! what a ridiculous notion. My darling parents adored us both. I do hope they are doing well now.”

jayyyyyyyy: “I see.. they sound nice! they probably miss you guys a lot”

Duke: “I.... Suppose so.”

jayyyyyyyy: “mhm. though, its not my business-- how about a topic change?”

Duke: “Oh well! We live in the now, no? Dwelling on the past is for fools and crumbling men and we are neither"

#on:discord #by:duchy #by:duke #by:duchess #if the crown fits

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bookstryingtostealyourheart · 5 years

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Someone Who Isn’t The Equivalent...

A/N: Here is my first real request! I had fun writing this...so please if you’re interested in requesting, look at my list of who I am willing to write for, or ask me in private message. I always answer!! :)

Pairing: Sweet Pea x reader, references of Reggie x reader, references of old sweet pea x josie

Summary: Sweet pea and the reader are going through the same situation; they are both stuck in an unofficial relationship. After one too many times being blown off or neglected by Reggie, the reader is starting to have enough. Her and sweet pea start to notice that they are going through the same thing, and confide in each other...and maybe something good will come out of it. They do both know what the other person wants.

Warning: toxic relationship references

Regret filled the air as Reggie slid his shirt back on, giving you a smirk. “I gotta run, my dad will be pissed if I’m not home for dinner. Can I make a rain check on Pop’s?” He asked casually and you shrug, pulling the blankets up over your body. This wasn’t the first time that Reggie has cancelled actual plans outside of your house...actually it was the second time this week, and its only Wednesday.

“Sure Reg, but can I ask you a question?” You ask turning to face him as he slides on his shoes. He looks up at you with an eyebrow raised. The sorrow in your voice ticked him off slightly. How could you be upset after what you two just did? He nods, awaiting the inquiry, even though you know he was impatient. “Are we gonna ever go on a real date, or am I just a booty call?” You question and he scoffs.

“Why do you always have to get sappy? We had a good time-”

“You’re ignoring the question.” You note with a sigh, turning back to face away from him as he grabs his phone and keys from your bed stand, and starts for the door.

“I’ll talk to you later Y/N, alright?” Reggie says briefly, exiting your bedroom, closing the door behind him. You knew you wouldn’t hear from Reggie again that night. You got up to take a shower, knowing the hot water may cleanse you from all your gloominess. Taking your phone off the charger for music in the shower, you see a text from Toni, asking you if you want to go to Pop’s with her, Cheryl, Kevin, Fangs, and Sweet Pea. Knowing it would be better than being stuck home alone with your thoughts and the cancelled plans with Reggie, you told her you’d be there in 30, and jumped into the shower. You didn’t need Reggie to have fun, especially with Kevin, Toni and Cheryl around. You and Cheryl did not always get along, but Toni definitely brought out her best traits.

Entering Pop’s, all your friends turned to see you, signaled by the bell. “Damn Y/N...took you a long time. Were you with Mental or something?” Cheryl asked with a giggle at her own nickname for Reggie and you shrugged, not showing the little pang you felt in your chest from her referencing him. You took your seat next to Kevin, across from the tall raven haired serpent you’d only spoken to maybe three times.

“If I was with him, I’m not now, so guess that’s all that matters...right?” You say, laced with brusqueness. Cheryl was of course taken aback, which made your face soften. You knew she didn’t do anything to you, so she didn’t deserve that. “Sorry. Long day.” You apologize and she waves it off. She was one to be angered by a little snappiness. That was basically her name at times.

After ordering your shake, you’d listened to Toni, Kevin and Cheryl give the group the latest gossip. You weren’t all that in the mood for gossip, but the fact that their faces lit up when they talked about it, made you happy. Fangs seemed into it too, but Sweet pea couldn’t look more somber. He was staring down at his phone, fingers typing a million miles per minute. You tried not to show your interest, but when he looked up and met your eyes with his hard brown ones, you couldn’t help but cower. No matter what Toni or Fangs say, he is not always a softy. He gave some mean looks, and this was the first time you’d ever been on the receiving end. That made you think back to the time when Reggie always talked about him, hating the serpents, all that bull-crap that you constantly tried to change. It was no use at the time. But now thinking about it, made you wonder why everything in your head went back to Reginald Mantle. You stood up, pushing your phone into your pocket. “Excuse me for a minute, I’ll be right back.” You excuse yourself and everyone nods. Making your way to the surprisingly clean bathroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror; your hair was normal, clothes were normal, but it was obvious there wasn’t something right in your face. Hearing your phone ‘Ding’, you looked down to see Toni’s name flash across the screen.

From TT: Do I need to come in there? Do you wanna talk privately?

You smile at the text, knowing she was worried. But did you wanna talk about it? But then you get another text, this one from Kevin.

From Kevin Keller: Incoming! Reginald Mantle just entered with the bulldogs!

Your eyes widened. “My dad will be pissed if I don’t make it to dinner, my ass!” you whisper to yourself, looking in the mirror once more before exiting the bathroom, making sure to strut just a little harder than normal, in case Reggie looked over. Sitting back at the table, all eyes but Sweet Pea’s were on you.

“I though-”

“It’s stupid. Let’s talk about something else.” You say and Fangs nods, seeing as there were a few vixens with them. This was casual, but he still lied to you. From the look on Sweet Pea’s face, it wasn’t something he wanted to see either, and it didn’t take long for you to guess why. Josie McCoy was with them. Sweet pea huffed, getting up out of the booth and practically stomping out of Pop’s. You felt for the kid. Of course, hanging around Toni you knew he liked her. You didn’t understand why, it seemed she treated him like trash in public, the one time you had seen them together or even remotely near each other in public that is. You followed the leather clad serpent, the bell dinging behind you as well.

“Hey Sweet Pea!” You say as he reaches his bike, he turns on his heels, seemingly not too afraid to bite if he didn’t like what you had to say.

“What do you want?” He snaps, clearly not in the neutral mood anymore. You sighed, knowing that Sweet Pea was easily frustrated, and you didn’t want to set him off. But you did want to say something. It wasn’t new for the group you’d been with to see him get walked on, even if Josie didn’t know she was doing it.

“Listen, I’m not trying to pity you, or make a sympathy group or anything...but I saw that in there. And it isn’t fair for you to leave without your shake, all angry. It isn’t safe to drive like that.” You reason and he cocks his head, raising an eyebrow at you. You could see the disdain on his face.

“Why would I want Mantle’s girlfriend telling me how to spend my night, and how to feel?” He asks and you narrow your eyes. Him calling you Reggie’s girlfriend made you more mad than you expected it ever would, but the way he said it felt patronizing. It caused your face to get hot.

“I am -not- Reggie’s girlfriend. But don’t you dare take out your anger for Josie on me, because I am just trying to be friendly. But you know what? I’m sick of standing up for people who don’t deserve it. You? Reggie? You’re all the same. Nobody else’s feelings matter but yours.” You say and start back for the diner, hands clenched. You were already agitated when you arrived, so it wouldn’t take much to really get you going.

You just barely reached the door when you heard hesitant footsteps. “Hey, wait. My bad, okay?” Sweet Pea says, reluctance and distance clear in his tone as he reaches the door with you, his hand holding it closed so you couldn’t enter. You turned around, and it was now your turn to raise an eyebrow at him.

“Sure. Your bad. Reggie is not my boyfriend. I thought he was, but he’s not. He is just playing me, so now that that is cleared, may I go?” You ask and he surprises you with a chuckle. It was a smooth laugh, that seemed genuine.

“May you go? Do you always have to be so polite?” He asked with a scoff. “You’re too good for Reggie, maybe you should ask your friend Cheryl to set you up with someone who isn’t the human equivalent to cat puke.” Sweet pea says honestly, letting go of the door. You weren’t sure if you really were having this conversation with Sweet Pea, or if you’d passed out in the ladies room. But it seemed to vivid to be fake. You could smell the burgers from inside, the smell of gas from the constant traffic on the road, and especially; Sweet Pea’s leather and cologne smell. It was exactly how Josie explained it to you, Toni and Cheryl in the locker room.

“Thank you?” You said turning to face the -very- tall serpent. You let your eyes hover on the tattoo that covered a small part of his neck. It was always much larger seeming from far away, jumping out at you when you saw it like a reflector on a bike. “You’re too good for Josie. Maybe you should ask your friend Toni to set you up with someone who isn’t the human equivalent to a children’s tea cup set.” You say and let out a chuckle, opening the door and entering. But this time you felt good meeting Reggie’s pouty eyes. Because Sweet Pea was right. He is the human equivalent to cat throw up, and you deserved better. It would be hard, but you can’t see Reggie anymore. That was the bottom line. When you reached the red booths once more, you heard the door open. You turned around to see Sweet Pea looking rather cheerful.

“Couldn’t forget to finish my shake, right?” He says sending you a sideways glance that you try to ignore, but end up cracking a smile instead. You shook your head as your friends eyed you both, as well as Josie and Reggie on the other side of the diner. It felt nice.

“God that would be a shame.” You comment sarcastically as you take the cup and slide it over to yourself, taking a sip. “God no, this is amazing.” You note, cracking a grin. You didn’t even like the flavor, but it was not that that mattered.

“So Cheryl, Y/N said she wants you to set her up with someone who doesn’t have the personality of cat puke.” Sweet pea piped up after a moment of silence. You gasped, sliding the shake back over.

“Um, no. He suggested it.” You remind him with narrowed eyes. Cheryl rolls her eyes.

“Toni said you two would be cute together a week ago.” She pipes up and you both whip your heads over to Toni. She had a bright grin on her face that mirrored Kevin’s.

“Whoa, I never said me.” Sweet Pea puts his large hands up in surrender, but Fangs throws them down, finally piping up into the conversation, sounding particularly jocular.

“You implied it my man.” Sweet pea shook his head, going defense mode, but more gentle and teasingly than he would normally, as it was Fangs he was talking to. He patted him on the shoulder patronizingly.

“You wouldn’t know that. You have a body count of like one.”

WANT A P2?

#riverdale #fanfiction #riverdale imagines #riverdale fanfic #sweet pea #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea imagines #southside serpents #requests open #new writers on tumblr #reggie mantle #x reader #the cw riverdale

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stitches-for-solo · 5 years

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I Dunno About This One...

Sorry for the wall of text. This is why I need to figure out how to put in a “Keep Reading” cut.

I feel like I slept all day. Probably because essentially, I did. I’m sliding further and further back down the hole I threw myself into a long time ago, and am watching the progress I’ve made since the almost dying incident vanish before my eyes. I know fucking well enough that I’m responsible for my own actions, but little things here and there only give me a tiny bump of positivity, motivation, and energy, if anything at all. (I keep thinking of the minute payback of doing something small, like getting dressed, like taking a little bump of coke off a key, which, to be clear, I’ve never done.) To be frank, considering my mindset and the effort little things can take when you aren’t well, some days, it’s not worth it. Almost instantly, my dysfunctional brain gobbles it all up as fast as it can. Like... [insert creative comparison here, akin to a starved man who’s just been served a 5-course meal, but, y’know, creative]. In theory, if I could take all the little bits of brightness I can manage to churn out and hoard them all in one big pile, ingesting them at the appropriate time, satiating my chemical receptors, and then letting them rest, regulating the process, I would. (Depression for Dummies?) Just like my problems with alcohol and drugs, my brain is a fiend for serotonin, that instant gratification, and there’s nothing I can do about it, or any deficiencies of other neurotransmitters (dopamine, norepinephrine) I probably have. (And man is it sloppy up there in my head, which is appropriate, since I’m the epitome of messy. Unorganized. Shit is everywhere, yet I know where everything is. Yeah, I’m one of those... but it’s not dirty — don’t ever call me dirty. It’s simply a disaster to the untrained eye. I’ve actually read articles linking neglecting to clean with depression, but I’m not sure where or how credible any of the research was. It makes no difference — either way, I’m not the best at keeping areas tidy. I keep going off topic...)

Anyway, I’m really in no condition to do anything drastic that would potentially yield a more substantial “reward”. Everyone tells me to just try. Try the little things, and you’ll adjust, and before you know it, you’ll be ready for more significant things. But good things are just that — good. They aren’t fixes and they aren’t cures. And I’m not using the previous sentence as an excuse to lay down and give up. I’m just being realistic. I know too much about my own problems, thanks to my higher education. I know too much and my peers/family know too little. There’s gotta be a balance between the right actions/effort and the right medication(s), and none of that is happening for me. There’s not a whole lot I can do about my medications, besides take them. It’s apathy that’s the fucking bitch. Why did I sleep till 3pm and not get out of bed until 5pm? Because I didn’t care, you can’t make me care, and I certainly can’t make myself care. (Also, I stayed up all night and it was really cold in my house so I didn’t want to get out from under the blankets...)

Now consider this — it would be one thing if that’s all that I was dealing with. But that’s just a portion of it, and I don’t even know what is wrong with me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just weak and make bad decisions, then blame said bad decisions on my weak resolve to even try to do the right thing. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive and I am content with wallowing in my own self-inflicted misery. After all, I get to be the laziest, most spoiled bitch I know, sometimes. Big emphasis on sometimes. But then something inevitably happens, and that sick fantasy is shattered over and over again and I have to face facts — it’s not just my personality. I think it’s normal for me to sorta gravitate towards strange things and (trying to choose my words wisely here) unique people. But unless everyone I know is hiding things from me, I sure do feel like a dysfunctional fool a lot of the time when I try to explain certain thoughts or feelings or physical responses that I have to various stimuli. I don’t mind being different. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being drawn to the macabre and unusual things. I enjoy horror movies/books and crime shows, and like researching things like diseases, old torture practices, serial killers, and the crazy shit you can supposedly find on the dark web. And yeah, I’ll cheer for the bad guy. (Kylo 🖤) None of that makes me disturbed or ill. I like normal things, too, like cats, space, sports, game shows, and the Food Network. And music is sometimes my salvation. It’s my thoughts & actions that bother me. I was driving last night and I had a pretty pathetic thought: I don’t have a mental illness; I’m mentally ill. 😶

It probably sounds ridiculous and that I’m dramatic, lazy, not trying, overreacting, making excuses, annoying or even infuriating, but I don’t share everything that goes on upstairs with just anyone. I’ve been places, and I do not want to go back. I will not go back. So I keep my mouth shut. It tends to get me no where good or anywhere fast. Which is fine; I think it’s throwing a wrench in my doctor’s attempt to properly treat me, but if I was completely open and honest, I don’t really know what would transpire and where I’d end up. And in terms of friends/family, I firmly believe it drives people away. I see it. I’m not stupid. People abandon me. They tell me I deserve better, but they don’t give me better. Maybe they just want someone else to do it. They want to know it’s happening, but don’t want to/ can’t put the effort in themselves. I know I’m not verbally or emotionally abused or mistreated, and I think I tend to treat people as they do me. I don’t yell at people unprovoked. (There are exceptions, one of which I have written about above.) I don’t attack my friends and then try to make them feel guilty about it. Sometimes I get frustrated when I get sent pictures of someone’s (boyfriend’s) brand new house for the 6th time and I have to be all excited for them, meanwhile I’m living in my little sister’s old room. Yep, I had to move back in with my parents because I got too sick to be alone and had no where else to go. My mother wouldn’t even give me my old room back. And equally as frustrating is when I have to hear for the 15th time “I put my hand in the cage, and it bit me again. This time I’m bleeding. I know something isn’t right and it has to change..” But then, it’s right back to the same. And I get it. I’ve been there. My ex ripped my heart to shreads, and not just once. And I just kept letting him hurt me, because I believed that somehow, if I just kept trying, if I just kept changing, if I just let all the shitty parts run their course(s), in the end, it would be worth it. Was it? Of course not!

It’s fucking frustrating when someone you care about is being mistreated. In fact, it blows my mind what some people will put up with, but again, I understand, because I did it, too. I think it’s a lesson everyone has to learn for themselves at their own pace and on their own time. These things aren’t teachable. And I know it’s selfish, but sometimes I get a little irritated that I end up so far down on a friend’s list of priorities when I’m only trying to help, and I feel like I could use some help, too. There’s other contributing factors and every situation is unique, of course. But when I’m just trying to be genuine and caring, even if it does come off as harsh, that sucks. But it’s life. It just makes me feel like I’m believing a heaping pile of bs, which does upset me. I’m not egotistical. I don’t need to be #1. But there’s a big difference between not being #1 and being put off to the side so the friend in question can go spend time with the someone else who treats them like absolute shit. (I need to expand on this, because it’s misleading, and I don’t believe an explanation will fit in this post. I’ve also moved things around so much, I feel like it’s not flowing properly, so I’ll be making an additional entry — in a little while. So wait before you judge or assume anything.) But I’m also not stupid. I say that a lot, but my actions must betray my words. Somehow I must be giving off the vibe that I’m an idiot. It’s painful, especially when I want to give more of myself to someone.. invest more time, energy, support, all those things, into the friendship, but the feeling isn’t mutual. I wonder what people think of me. “I don’t want anything to do with her, but she’s fucking insane so I’m afraid she might come after me or hurt herself...” I mean, I am crazy, am I not? So why wouldn’t someone think that? Especially when I’ve heard the same words come out of their mouth before, but about someone else. And I’m not just talking about one or two people here. This seems to be an ongoing theme, and the common factor is me. When I was going through rough times with my ex, I think that’s when the alienation from some of my friends started. I guess they could only take so much, and everyone has a limit, but I also think the person being hurt sees things very differently than those on the outside. I can’t do much, y’know? So I try to give advice or help, but I think I need to learn to back off. I’m scared I’m destroying the relationships with the few people I have left in my life. Sometimes I already feel a shift. Hell, I know things are different. I don’t want to lose everything I have left with my handful of friends, but I am not the type of person who can take unhappiness and paranoia and anything else negative and just squash it and keep quiet. I have to let things out, or they grow until they reach monstrous proportions and I completely lose control. As annoying as it is, I have to ask family and friends “is everything okay?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Are you mad at me?” and eventually it escalates to “What the hell did I do?” “Why are you ignoring me?” etc.. Christ, I must be fun to know.

I was kind of writing before about things that make me feel happy. Having friends made me happy, and I try, but it seems that beyond talking online, no one wants to take me up on any offers anymore. I think I burned all my bridges and trying to start all over is challenging at my age when most people have careers and families. I don’t fit in anymore, and honestly, I have a suspicion that potential dating partners my age are still single because they’re not interested in settling down. I feel like I’m going to end up alone. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Life was supposed to be so much more fulfilling and just a pleasure to live. I know everyone goes through rough patches, and I absolutely hate talking like this, but I know I was expected to be so much more than this. It wasn’t me who was pegged as the one who would make such a fucking mess out of everything. I’m in a position where putting myself out there for rejection is a bad, very bad idea. It’s damaging. But so is being alone/surrounded by people who you don’t get along with. I’m stuck; I don’t know what to do, where to turn, and who really cares. One more note about friends.. Or who I refer to as my friends. I write about them in here, and they don’t even know this blog exists. No one really checks up on me, and I know that could be for lots of reasons. I don’t tend to reach out anymore either, but it’s because I don’t really have anything to offer. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to accept that my old best friend didn’t consider me his best friend anymore. I guess it’s been a while now, and I’m okay with just calling him a “friend” or by his name. But it was tough. I was so broken down about my breakup that I completely fell apart, and he really just abandoned me. I’d see all the pictures he would post on Facebook.. out hanging out with his “BFF”, all smiles and having fun while I’d stayed in bed and cried all day with no one left to go to for comfort or company. I felt so disgusting, needy, weak, insignificant, hopeless.. all this after I let him borrow a substantial amount of money because he had moved 1500 miles away and needed financial help getting home because he had decided he didn’t want to be there anymore. I was so desperate and distraught that I let him borrow.. a lot of money. And that was what I was met with when he got back. I was still alone, he never wanted to hang out because I was always so down, and I haven’t seen a dime of my money. I could go on... but I won’t. Lesson learned.

I think there’s some parts here that don’t make sense. I was copying and pasting and moving stuff around and adding/deleting things, and it’s almost 7am. I might work on this later after I get some sleep. Or I might decide it’s a waste of time cause no one reads my rants anyway. Obviously I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and I mean no ill will towards anyone I know. Like I said, there are some things I just have to get off my chest.

#Mental Health #Depression #Friends #Friendships #Rambling Rant #Lonely #Alone #Expanded Above

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