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ineffable-endearments · 3 months

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Trying to picture where Crowley goes from the end of S2 and it looks like this to me:

Sticking around Soho: I have read lots of fic and seen lots of art for this premise that I love. However, if I'm going to try to guess where actual canon might go, this option seems both too painful for him as a character and too stagnant for the story. Like, wasn't the point of the beginning of the season that he had stagnated? It feels like the Final Fifteen was the cataclysm that had finally broken that stagnation. Something about the flow of Crowley staying in or near Soho, or his Mayfair apartment, for that matter, doesn't seem right.

Going off to live his own solitary life, like as a hermit or as a snake in a cave or something: Seems way too boring for Crowley. He needs things to do.

Going off to live in a human community: This could happen. I could see him living in a human community that he wants to protect from the Second Coming. But it seems a little too healthy and well-adjusted for the climax of the story's conflict, right? No? Maybe? I think we see many signs that Crowley is moving in this direction in Season 2, but he might not quite be there yet. Or he could be! I started off thinking this probably isn't it because it felt too easy, but there's a bit of poetry to the Serpent establishing his very own Garden that he wants to protect and, after everything is said and done, accepting a lost angel into it. Er, maybe that's a bit too sugary or uneven. Idk. I'm rambling.

Going back to Hell to become a "proper" demon: Lol.

Going back to Hell to fight against Heaven: Mmmmaybe? My main problem with this is the fact that the strings in Hell are ultimately pulled by the same people/person who run things in Heaven (the Metatron?), and while I'm not sure he's explicitly said anything about it in the show yet, I think Crowley is savvy enough to figure that out. So rejoining Hell simply to abide by their rules and start another war does not seem exactly right. One of his primary points in the Final Fifteen was that you can't fight an oppressive system by cooperating with it, and in the end, Hell is cooperating with the system as much as Heaven is. I guess we could assume Crowley hasn't quite figured it out yet, and his discovery of who's really in charge could be a plot point.

Going back to Hell to agitate the demons to revolt: This feels pretty good to me. Whether it's by taking on a position of authority and secretly feeding a resistance or by taking advantage of the chaos to establish an openly-rebellious group, I feel like Crowley could do this. It feels right for a moment of high conflict because it would involve significant character growth - Crowley choosing to embark on a mission to save the world instead of haphazardly getting thrown into it. However, since he'd be actively working to undermine Hell and would have to figure out where he belongs if the system does indeed collapse, encouraging resistance would not, on its own, get him to where he needs or wants to be. There would still be plenty of room for change and growth.

Maybe, if Crowley tempts his fellow demons to enjoy Earth things like Aziraphale does, he could slowly get them working toward stopping any future Armageddons just because they, too, have found things they like on Earth. Encouraging demons to enjoy Earth would potentially give Crowley a chance to work with more humans. It would also give him a chance to work toward one goal (Hell saves Earth?) only to accidentally accomplish another (demons discover free will).

Mandatory acknowledgment that I could be COMICALLY wrong here.

#go s2 spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens #go3 speculation

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mochamamii · 3 years

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yandere!taeyong: monster.

part one This is part two, click the link to catch up!

(a/n: I’m apologizing in advance for how terrible this is. I struggled writing the ending for this and I actually hate the way I ended it but I really wanted to get this out so I ended up rushing it, sorry... :/ Also, in the first part I mentioned that the reader was seven months pregnant already but for the sake of realism let’s all just pretend she’s just now reaching seven months, this is set months later from the first part.)

**disclaimer** This post features heavy elements of stockholm syndrome, self-loathing, emotional trauma, major character death, like the tiniest hint at a possible suicide at the end if you squint.

description: It’s been two months since your abductor Taeyong was arrested and apprehended, resulting in his death after he was gunned down by the police. (This is already super long and I didn’t feel like writing Taeyong’s death scene so I’m telling you now lol.) You return home to your family to soon realize that your life as you once knew it was over.

"We tried to leave everything exactly how you left it but the detectives were constantly in and out of here touching things. We hope it's okay."

It felt strange standing in your old bedroom, seeing the remnants of your former life. It didn't feel like your room anymore. It felt like you were standing in a stranger's bedroom, invading their space.

You turned your head towards the doorway where both of your parents stood nervously. They looked at you with anxious hopeful eyes as they awaited your reaction.

"It's fine." You answered.

You could see your father visibly breathe a sigh of relief.

"Well, we’ll let you get settled and then if you want, we'd like to have dinner together as a family?" Your mother hesitantly suggested,

"Only if you want to. If you'd rather be alone, we understand-

"I'd rather be alone for now." You responded as you took a seat on the edge of your bed.

Your mother frowned slightly but quickly recovered, “It’s okay. We won’t push you.”

The two of them quietly exited your room, leaving you to your lonesome. As soon as the door closed you were up on your feet and over to the door to lock it. You pressed your ear up against the door to listen as their footsteps descended down the hallway. When you were sure they were gone and the door was secure, you moved over to the window in the room, double checking the locks.

That’s how you spent the first few weeks back at home, constantly checking the locks and making sure the entire house was secure. It nearly drove you mad as you compulsively checked the locks on all the doors and windows, you could never convince yourself that the house was ever safe so you resorted to barricading yourself in your bedroom most of the time.

You had become a hermit, only coming out of your room when absolutely necessary. It angered you that this is what your life had slowly become. When you were still with Taeyong, you had all these grandiose ideas of all the things you would do once you reclaimed your freedom. When in reality, you ended up doing the exact opposite.

You had managed to avoid your friends and your fiancé for the first few weeks being home but inevitably over time news of your return had spread to everyone. You expected to have people lined up around the block waiting to see you. You were just a shell of your former self, but before life with Taeyong, you were someone that people naturally gravitated towards, you always had many friends.

Surely someone would come and see you, right?

But truthfully, no one knew what to say to you and it was easier to just ignore your existence than it was to try and engage in conversation. You had been ostracized by your peers. You didn't know whether to be offended or thankful that people seemed to be avoiding you.

Of course, you still had a few close friends that would try and stop by and speak to you only for you to send them away before they could get a glimpse of you. After a while what little people were still trying to see you had gotten the message and left you alone altogether.

Your fiancé wasn't exempt from this treatment. He had tried numerous times to get you to come out of your room and at least let him look at you. At times it was tempting. You hadn't seen him the better half of a year and you wanted to see him badly, but you couldn't have him see you this way.

Not when you yourself were just starting to get acquainted with your new life that didn’t involve anyone or anything that knew the old you. You especially didn’t want your fiancé to see you because you were seven months pregnant now, carrying the child of your abductor.

It was easier to blame not seeing your fiancé on your pregnancy. It was easier for your mind to rationalize avoiding him that way. But you couldn’t lie to yourself, and you knew that it was really because you were certain that your relationship could never be the same once he saw you.

Seeing him, your fiancé, face to face would be confirmation that things were over between the two of you. Your fiancé was always horrible about masking his emotions and you didn't think your heart could take the way he would look at you when he saw that you were carrying another man's child.

You couldn't remember when but at some point, your fiancé had eventually stopped trying to get you to come out of your room as well. Occasionally he'd pop up again and make another attempt but deep down you knew that it was no longer about actually trying to get you to come out of your room and more about him feeling obligated to keep trying.

Spending so much time in your bedroom alone with only your thoughts for company gave you time to reflect on everything that had happened to you in the past year. Specifically, in the last few months since Taeyong had passed.

Images of Taeyong's lifeless corpse plagued your mind. The sound of him colliding with the pavement was permanently sketched into your memory.

You tried everything you could to shake the memories of him from your head but it seemed like everything reminded you of him. Sometimes you'd have hallucinations of him sitting right there beside you that were so vivid you had begun to question your own sanity.

No matter what you did you couldn’t get away from thoughts of Taeyong, you felt so out of sorts. You felt like you were slowly losing your mind. You were finally free of him in an earthly sense, but why couldn’t you get him out of your head?

You grew extremely frustrated with yourself as Taeyong continued to monopolize your conscious, you were so frustrated with things that you often cried yourself to sleep. Sometimes randomly through the day you’d just start crying out of sheer annoyance with yourself.

You desperately wanted this feeling, whatever it was, to leave you. But it seemed like the more you tried to ignore it the more intense it got.

Your doctor chalked it up to hormones but you could feel in your bones that this was different.

You were grieving.

It nearly made you vomit when you had finally put the pieces together as to why you had been feeling so strange.

You were grieving because of Taeyong.

Without disregarding all of the trauma and torture he had put you through you couldn't fight the desolate feeling that consumed you whenever images of him popped up in your mind. Most of all you felt shameful. Shameful for mourning the man that had single-handedly destroyed your life.

You would never be the same person because of him, and here you were shedding tears over him.

There were small pockets of time in which you were able to be completely honest with yourself. In those moments you realized something catastrophic, something that you made you question the entirety of your being. You weren't just mourning him...

You missed him.

The realization only made you ache further. You missed him so much. You missed his voice, you missed his smile, his scent. It only added to your stress that you had to silently deal with these troubling emotions by yourself. You had cut off everyone, there was no one left to confide in.

What would your parents say if you told them that you missed Taeyong?

Your head hurt at the thought of what they might do or say.

They were already treating you like a fragile piece of china. If you told them your true feelings you feared they might think you're unstable and that you needed to be admitted in a hospital somewhere.

In the midst of trying and failing horribly to deal with all of your emotions and stress you couldn’t help but wonder what life might’ve looked like if you had listened to Taeyong all along?

What would it have been like if you actually had tried to build a life with him after getting pregnant?

Would it be any worse than the way you’re living now, the life of a scarred hermit?

Could it be that Taeyong was right along?

Maybe I was destined to be with him..

(a/n: I’m so sorry that this is so bad, I really tried y’all lmao. Thanks for all the love on the first part.)

#nct smut #nct yandere #yandere nct #yandere taeyong #nct taeyong #taeyong smut #lee taeyong #kpop yandere

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matthewstiles · 4 years

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The tone of this post doesn’t feel right. I don’t know if I’m capable of writing something that sounds like a genuine apology, but please try to read it that way if you want to believe it.

One of the worst things about making poor decisions is that their effects will spread forever. I might never be able to apologize to all the people I’ve hurt and I’ll certainly never be able to heal all of the hurt I’ve caused. I’ve lost count of the apologies I’ve given and the ones I’ve yet to give. If anyone who remembers the way I acted in the Mianite days wants an apology from me personally, please seek it out, or at least try and take this message to heart. I don’t want to keep bad relationships with anyone. On the other hand, I don’t expect everything to work itself out. I realize there are some things we have to let go. I finally apologized to X33N a few months back, but I still haven’t done it properly. The way we ended our Mianite days wasn’t good. I was envious of him moving into the streaming world and threw some bitter darts thinly disguised as advice. From the bottom of my heart, I’m so happy for him and so glad that he’s been able to get the message of positivity out there through his streams. There were other conflicts in the Season Two team that have become known to the community. I’m sorry that I didn’t bring myself to love my teammates better as we did our work. I’ve always struggled with impulse control, sensitivity, and self-esteem. Cutting people off, using them for what they have to offer, and inflicting pain through words are all things I’m tempted to do when I feel like I’ve been betrayed, deserve better, and deserve to make someone else feel my pain. My late teens and twenties have been marked by incident after incident in which I realize that I haven’t mentally equipped myself for what life is gonna throw at me. Now I’m in a place where a good number of people might never accept anything I do in the future because of things I’ve done in the past. Admittedly, I’ve forgotten a number of those things. While I’ve tried to resolve many of the issues I do remember, a few in particular could use another look. Some of the choices I made in the writing of the Mianite series and its after-lore were awful. The way I played pre-Krys Martha was weirdly lascivious and I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. I don’t recall my reasoning for it, aside from tasteless fun, but it doesn’t sit well with me anymore and that’s not how I want anyone to see Martha. As I’ve said countless times, I’m grateful that Krys took control. As a note, I would never suggest that the characters I played were somehow more important than the ones played by the rest of the cast. Krys, X33N, MadSpy, Ral, and others played amazing, heartfelt, and widely loved characters. A lot of what they did was either loosely connected with stuff I was doing or totally free rein. They – not I – made Season Two come to life. It would’ve been a dreary and skeletal tale with no NPC’s apart from the handful I controlled. Back in the vein of bad taste, the Ianite tree story had some sexual themes and I regret a few of the descriptions. They weren’t necessary for the portrayal of Ianite’s wanderlust and lovesickness. Someone thought that my line about the diameter of the tree increasing with age was an innuendo, and I can see what they mean but it actually wasn’t meant to be one. I’m sorry if that worsened their impression of an already flawed story. Andor should never have gone back to my brain at the end of the Clear Sky Hermit. I should’ve left it open-ended. I don’t think that was a huge issue for a lot of people as much as it was boring and predictable, but nonetheless, it’s something I regret. If I haven’t addressed the Andor fan art and fan fiction issue enough, here’s another stab at it. When people were making certain interpretations of Andor, I was upset about Mianite winding down, my spotlight narrowing, and my control over that amazing universe diminishing. I took it out on the beautiful creations of beautiful people, and that’s one of the things I might never be able to forgive myself for. I hope that anyone who was hurt by my attacks has either been able to read my previous apologies or find healing of some other kind. Within bounds of legality and acceptability, anyone can make any interpretation of any character they want. If I ever try to go against that statement again, please smack the living daylights out of me. This isn’t an apology – just an explanation – but my interest in Sparklez was purely a narrative one. He interacted well with my NPC’s. I had never watched his content before Mianite and I rarely watched it afterward. I never developed any kind of obsession with Sparklez. The behaviors of Andor and Ianite weren’t expressions of any such obsession. I’ve said some things outside of Mianite that need resolving too. I never tried to convince anyone that incest was okay and I certainly never tried to suggest that it was “on the same level as homosexuality.” I can’t find the old posts, but all I meant to say was that in fiction, and ONLY in fiction, a very shallow exploration of something like genetic sexual attraction might be okay. It’s a thing that can happen to people who lose contact with a family member, remove the association of family from that person, suddenly see them again, and experience strange feelings. Even in fiction, I never want to read about such feelings acted upon in any way, shape, or form and I’ve never written about such feelings being acted upon. I’m not interested in incest in fiction or in real life. If you’re gonna read or write incest, don’t let it leak into real life, don’t show it to me, don’t show it to other people who shouldn’t see it, and stay healthy. That’s all. Case closed. As for “on the same level as homosexuality,” no. Just no. I’m pretty sure I was trying to draw some kind of strange parallel between the way my bigoted father viewed gay people and the way some people viewed FICTIONAL incest, but thinking back on it, I can’t imagine how a single word of what I said made sense, and if I said anything more than what I remember, I wholeheartedly throw it in the trash. It was ridiculous. I’m sorry. That was one of those cases when I wrote something and awhile later looked back and said, “Wait, what? I don’t even know what I was trying to say there and I certainly don’t believe it. I think I just wanted to assert myself.” I don’t support Notch’s political views and I agree with the removal of his name from the Minecraft credits, but I do thank him for what he’s done, wish the best for him generally, and hope he lets a little more love into his heart. I don’t wish him dead. I’m not apologizing for that, lol. The past two years hanging out in a subsect of the old Mianite fandom have given me a lot of healing. One of the big things I’ve taken away from that group is that forgiveness is astonishing. I could never have believed that anyone would accept me so fully in spite of such flaws. It’s made me want to extend the same kindness to others. I don’t think I’m very good at being kind. If you’re reading this and still have some beef with me, I just want you to know that I love you a lot and will continue to do my best to be the type of person you would accept an apology from. If you can’t meet me in that place or don’t think I can meet you there, I’ll understand. People have their own journeys and need to keep themselves safe. Again, I’m really sorry.

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dejinyucu · 6 years

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2017 summary!

Hi, I’ve been busy :’) Here’s the 2017 compilation with my fav personal art I did each month :) ...which is mostly just a bunch of Tales of Zestiria and NieR:Automata stuff xD I’m happy I managed to have personal stuff each month this year! 2016 was mostly work and more work until I said screw it and ... stopped working “Orz. I’m tempted to do my fav work or project piece of every month, but I already spent enough time on this one x’D

Art goals for 2018:

FINISH MY PROJECTS, DAMMIT. Do more traditional art on my free time. >> 2016 compilation <<

Month-to-month insight and personal life musings about the year under the cut. Warning: It’s long, and everything is pretty much a bummer, so if you’re feeling bummed yourself, it’s be a better idea to go watch puppy videos than to read this xD

I did count the number of files from procrastidoodles, finished pieces, project stuff and paid work/commissions I had for each month saved on my computer and excluded the duplicates. They painted a pretty good picture of my mood and my mental state along the year, I think. I drew 240+ procrastidoodles this year! (again mostly Zesty and NieR lol) Most of them were done while burned out, during months after I tried to get a lot of work done :’) I spam most of them on my twitter nowadays. I keep forgetting to upload stuff over here and for that I apologize “Orz. January was a very productive month for me in general, while February was a burned out month (lots of procrastidoodling, very little of anything else... including work.) I was still obsessed with Zesty during Jan/Feb.The anime iirc was still airing back then and I was still trying to be sociable in the fandom. March started my descent into NieR:Automata hell xD It was also another “try to get a ton of shit done!” month, because NaNoRenO; I had a death wish and decided I could handle paid work and THREE personal projects at the same time. Ha. Hahahaha. =_= (spoiler: that didn’t work.)

April was the heavy burnout month after that. Actually I didn’t do that much procrastidoodling this month and I was in general pretty dead... idk how I managed to get 2 finished pieces done at all O_o; Maybe my procrastidoodling energy was channeled into them somehow...? May was when I threw the towel, decided to take a full break from work and projects, opened commissions and just did whatever I wanted. The Soremiku piece I picked for May was a collab with @alassetasartir, she did the lines and I did the coloring ^^ June was apparently watercolor month! Also very procrastidoodling-intensive. July and August where... bad. I did pretty much nothing and barely got out of bed to exist (I did 7 things in August. 7. In total. Across all my categories. “Orz). I did work on the Amusement park piece in July-August and that’s my favorite thing I did in 2017, though! And by the end of August, I moved to a new apartment! Where I FINALLY GOT A 2ND ROOM AND COULD HAVE A DESK ALL FOR MYSELF AND MY STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO SHARE IT WITH THE BF!! ;O; I wanted that for 5 years, 5 YEARS!!! *wipes a happy tear*

September and October were “catching up with the work I’ve neglected this year” months. I didn’t get much done in terms of personal things, though, because... work.

November was WORK OR DIE. I did *a lot* of stuff. A lot. I churned out stuff for projects and work like woah. And personal stuff was close to 0. I have only 4 doodles saved from November on my folders, though I may have a couple more on twitter? I tend to screenshot my doodles, post them and not save them ^^; And December has been a summer-hot, slow, short mess of a month; I suspect burnout, bc I can barely draw shit right now... or do anything else, for that matter “Orz. I seriously need to buy an industrial fan for that awfully hot computer room or I won’t survive January =_=; (in case you don;t know, I live on the southern hemisphere, it’s summer here and it’s awful) As for art, I feel like I improved this year. I’m happy with with what I’ve been able to do and with what I’m able to do when I work hard! I managed to do personal stuff each month, even if it was mostly procrastidoodling, but still! :D I even did finished pieces almost once a month :) And I keep repeating it, but I’m extremely proud of my amusement park piece <3 <3 <3 ...But I’m also upset with how inconsistent I’ve been and still am when it comes to balancing all the shit I have to do and want to do ): Being productive, then burned out, then productive then burned out again has been my jam this year and it hasn’t been healthy at all “Orz.

As for life, it was... bleh. While 2016 was like a rollercoaster, with a lot of high-highs and crashing down lows, 2017 was just a looooong low ride. I went from the social online person I had become in previous years to slowly being a hermit again because I managed to screw things up with some people while I was also, once again, pretty overwhelmed with everything I had on my plate. The depression and debt I was dragging from 2016 plus the burnout cycle kept doing their thing on my mental health, and losing friends and getting dumped didn’t really help; yay bad timing :/ (I deserved being dumped, though; I was neglectful af and bad at communicating, so even if it was understandable bc my mental health was pretty crappy during late 2016-early 2017, it’s not an excuse.) I ended up with a lot of “what’s the point of getting out of bed today” days by the middle of the year. Moving to a new apartment with the BF helped improve a lot of things, though, and for that I’m very grateful! Also having a dog helps a lot, I may feel like a waste of space that can barely exist, but my dog needs to go outside for potty at least twice a day :’D Since then, I’ve been working towards a more balanced life, with more successes than failures, but still not quite there yet. I still have a few days peppered here and there where I feel heavy and sad and unable to get out of bed and I barely eat... but I try to not dwell on them for too long (speaking of which, I should shower and attempt to exist today... “Orz). When I look back and think of the highlights of this year, it’s all stuff that happened to other people around me. I just... kept struggling with my bad choices and poor mental health to pay the bills, pay my debts and don’t disappoint ppl. But such is life for a lot of folks, isn’t it? So let’s say... the positive highlights of this year were the new apartment and NieR:Automata xD Also @yunalescasakura , she’s been a sweetheart this year to me and I don’t deserve her. I believe everything will be better once I manage to finish my project stuff (450+ unpaid hours to go... :’DDD) and I can’t wait for the day that I’m finally free from that to start a new chapter. By this time next year I should be done with projects and will be able to get a better balance!! I JUST HAVE TO ENDURE ONE MORE YEAR!! >_</ What I’m looking forward in 2018, besides finishing all my shit, is to buy a pen display! I’ve been saving slowly for one! I can’t afford a Cintiq, but I’m eyeing an xp-pen 15.6 *v* I also want to try to do traditional art once a week, probably during the weekend... I seriously need a break from drawing on the computer all day, and watercolors and colored pencils relax me so much... I want to buy a good webcam eventually to livestream/record speedpaint videos of it, because I love watching videos of people doing traditional art, haha ^^; Hopefully, in 2018 there will be a couple of Visual Novels released with my art, not counting my own stuff. I’ll also be resuming work on CDC: SideB as a hired artist this time around, since I can’t find the time at all to work on it otherwise. I sincerely hope I’ll be able to find mental space to be sociable in 2018 again, I hate being a hermit “Orz. That’s my goal for 2018: Find balance, kill the burnout cycle and be sociable again!

If you managed to read all of this, thank you. Thanks for being around, thanks for the nice messages that some of you somehow still send me even when I’m barely around anymore. I hope in 2018 I can give back to you all a lot more than I was able to this year. May the new year in ahead of us be full of nice things for everyone!

#2017 summary of art #october 2017 #shut up deji #deji improves #my art #Deji draws stuff

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