#that Screams bad experience that hasn’t been reckoned with but. the Big part of healing is that. a lot of the time

[shorthaltsjester]

sometimes people will say “going dark” and then what they’re actually talking about is just people no longer presenting a carefully constructed version of their emotions and experiences.

like. emotional turmoil is not the same as darkness. laudna in this Fictional Universe that has tangibly different stakes wrt to death and killing than our own, is at best like . morally neutral for what she just did like. man has been secretly trying to kill you, and then just tried to do so again, killing him back is a fair choice. and even if i was someone who is excited by delilah’s inability to escape from the narrative, this shit isn’t about delilah. laudna made a choice. if delilah is back or whatever it’s a choice that laudna made because something in that grants her more control than her existing conditions did. this isn’t some Delilah Takes Over, it’s Laudna Expressly Makes The Choice To Call Forth Something within Herself to remedy the lack of control that’s been thrust upon her. if y’all want to Continue to limit Laudna’s agency (as the cr fandom is so, so want to do when a female character makes a choice that isn’t Good according to some weird system of virtue ethics) go ahead.

likewise with orym. little guy is not “going dark” because he has finally made direct action about his emotional turmoil in dealing with a situation which has similarly left him without control and has also placed him in a position where his stalwart conviction towards protecting and honouring those he loves and has lost alike is constantly met with other people he cares for going well.. what if they had a point/we are killing other peoples loved ones/etc. which like . yeah that might be frustrating and in fact might lead him to go, actually, i can’t afford to try and maintain some abject morality where I carry a locket that will literally only provide guilt. orym is completely committed to his beliefs, the locket and what it represents has never been a limit to what he will do, only a reminder of the consequences of what he might cause in those actions. but they Are at war and orym has a billion things on his plate. he can put down the locket. especially when bor’dor is the explicit manifestation of that locket’s symbolism. the subtext rapidly became the text and orym doesn’t need a reminder. it’s there in the fact that team issylra is walking away with two friends, not three.

these are character who have at every turn denied their own emotions in various forms while still being acutely aware of what they deny, whether that awareness was/is fully realized or not. many of laudna’s early convos with ashton show us that there is some awareness to the lighthearted spooky goth girl and how that persona fades when she thinks too much about what has led her and maintained that reality. likewise the entirety of orym’s story thus far is defined by his grief in a very literal sense, it Has extended from that grief to also the commitment he had to the purpose of figuring out the assassination attempt on keyleth but as we have seen, that purpose has fallen apart. paired with the quasi-reopening of his grief that was getting to see will again only to have to turn away, i don’t think there’s a lack of awareness in orym of how much he hurts. but between his actions and 4SD, that hurt tends to get buried under guilt or Responsibility.

and now, finally, both of them have admitted to that Not in the safety of small introspection or one-on-one conversations but with actions that they cannot shy away from or deny. laudna killed bor’dor and orym encouraged her to. and it Is a complex situation but truly I don’t really think it’s a “going dark” one. because they’re not giving into some overhanging Darkness of Morality™, they’re admitting that they are hurt and have long been hurting.

or, y’know, tldr for those who continue to deny laudna and orym agency or fully villainise them for whatever weird reasons . you could listen to laudna and ashton’s conversation that pretty much lays it out explicitly. laudna claims she’s weak for having chosen to kill bor’dor. ashton denies that and affirms instead that, no, she’s hurt.

#critical role #cr spoilers #laudna #orym #team issylra #maybe it’s because a lot of these people r also the people who have no literacy wrt religious and philosophical complexity #that Screams bad experience that hasn’t been reckoned with but. the Big part of healing is that. a lot of the time #especially with Trauma. the mess is gonna come before the pretty little bow does #like noah fence but . this is The Most interesting laudna and orym have been to me this far and it’s not because they’re Darker #it’s because they’re being more true to themselves #maybe this is nitpicky I Don’t Care #me watching c1 as vex admits that she still feels like a burden and Heavily considers being treeified for sondor. ‘is this vex Going Dark?’ #as an imogen Lover . let’s be real and admit the only Genuine going dark risk is her at this point in the campaign #because like. i truly don’t see anyone else making the Choice to do absolutely fucked up selfish things #and imogen considers doing that shit like . once every two eps At Least (affectionate but eyes wide about it) #anyway. reunion will be very interesting with an orym and laudna who are shedding pieces of what maintains their like Group Role #bells hells #critical role spoilers #cr3 #cr campaign 3 #bell’s hells #my posts

[subasekabang]

Title: Anything To Make you Stay, Chapter 7 Rating: T Word Count: Total: 15,761, chapter: 2,647 Characters: Joshua, Neku, Shiki, Eri, Beat, Rhyme, Hanekoma, Kariya, Uzuki. Pairings: Josh/Neku. Warnings: Suicide, Major Character Death, Depression, semi-detailed depiction of dead bodies, mentions of ableism, one minor allusion to transphobia Summary: Joshua and Neku have been best friends since they were 11, but their friendship starts to fall apart after Joshua goes missing for a week, soon after his 14th birthday. Lies corrode the bond, and Neku’s vivid nightmares of finding someone’s dead body does not help. A year and a half later, they hit the boiling point. Always look before crossing the road, kiddos. Author’s Note: Autistic Josh and Neku! Afab demiboy Josh! Agender Rhyme! Usage of sign language! This was a fun fic to write please enjoy it.

Chapter 7:

The heavy air, weighted with the shouts from earlier, explodes with a scream that tears from his throat. Tires screech as the driver tries to break, and the smell of burned rubber permeates the air. There’s going to be skidmarks there, both on the road and on his heart.

Joshua makes a dash into the road, fueled by the crimson staining the asphalt and the body lying where the truck slammed into it, purple headphones crushed to bits, like the shattered bones in Neku’s body.

He knows this is fatal, there’s no way to sew the body back together, to heal the wounds inflicted. Not by any normal means, and this is no place for a miracle. Even so, he kneels down, shaking Neku, begging him to stay alive.

The driver has pulled over, mouth agape and horror splayed on his face. Some grotesque corner of Josh’s mind says serves him right, he should see this nightmare he has created by hitting Neku, but he knows it wasn’t the man’s fault, not really.

A sob bubbles up from his chest, and tears streak down his face, hot and wet. What a sight he must be, covered in blood and guts and crying over a body that resembles roadkill more than it does his friend.

A thought freezes his despair. The Game. If Neku wins, then he can come back to life, no miracle needed. Some law-breaking required, if he wants to ensure that Neku has the best shot of winning he can.

After all, it’s hard to lose when the Composer is your Partner, and doing all he can to get you a win.

With rigid motions, he conjures up a Player Pin, placing it on Neku’s chest. Joshua takes a step back from the scene of the murder and his emotions, letting them fall away into blank space. He can deal with the distraught panic later. For now, face blank, he walks away, vanishing into the UG as he rounds a corner.

He has a Game to prepare for.

Joshua oversees Neku’s entry into the Game himself. He can’t afford to leave this up to anyone else. He makes sure Neku has the standard knowledge of the Game that all Players should have, before it’s time to take the Fee.

He pauses, sighs, and knows exactly what he’s going to take. Threads of Music wind away from Neku’s body, laid out in the Room of Reckoning. He bundles up the memories into an orb, sealing it away. Maybe a Neku who doesn’t remember him will be easier to deal with in the Game, given their last encounter.

He repairs Neku’s headphones, placing those around his neck. It’d be rude leave Neku without part of his signature look.

The first Day is a blur of activity, as always. He’s quick on his feet once Neku wakes up, offering up a Pact, and then they’re fighting the Noise together. It’s only frogs, for now, but Joshua can feel that pulse beneath the surface as they do battle, Music thrumming in the air, as he and Neku take down the enemies. As the battle ends, Josh lets out a laugh, he hasn’t felt this alive in ages.

Neku takes off, heading for 104 immediately, of course, and no, that won’t do. Players don’t last long if they don’t bond with their Partner, and while Josh knows everything about Neku, feels their old bond on top of the Pact, Neku doesn’t have any of that.

So he drops hints. Between this isn’t my first Game, I’m here by choice, and the mention of his original Fee (he didn’t take one from himself, this time around), he hopes Neku has more than enough material to ask him about in the future. Mentioning languages helps too, nothing like multiple shared languages to bring people together. It might be needed, if either of them go nonverbal, anyway.

Like on Day 2, when he wakes up with acid clawing at his throat, bile building up in his stomach. Neku is dead because of him, None of this should be happening. Neku was never supposed to learn about the Game, he was never supposed to die. Joshua should never have killed himself, should never have jeopardized their friendship in any way, because look where that’s gotten them.

When Neku wakes up, 10 minutes later, he takes one look at Josh, and raises his hands. [Bad day?]

Josh nods. [Bad day. Bad thoughts. Bad memories. If you want, you can speak, but my throat isn’t going to do words.]

“Alright,” Neku says, which Josh responds to with another nod.

Both of their phones beep in unison, and they each grab their own.

^Set the cursed sculpture free. Fail, and face Erasure. You have 60 minutes - The Reapers^

[Hachiko,] Josh fingerspells, before Neku can say the name out loud. [Has to be. Cursed sculpture.]

“That’d make sense. This is the Underpass, yeah? So Hachiko should be that way,” he says, pointing. Josh nods. “Let’s get going then.”

Nothing is ever that easy, because there’s a wall to take down, but luckily the mission is just to take out a bit of Noise.

“What’s up with those guys in red, anyway? You said something yesterday about Reapers?” Neku asks, as they walk out of the underpass.

[Reapers are part of the Game. They test Players, whether by creating enemies, as the Harriers do, or by issuing challenges, like the Wall Reapers do. At the end of a Game week, if a Player survives, they have the option of becoming a Reaper. It’s a fresh start, a way to escape their life, if it was bad, but in order to survive, Reapers need to either Erase Players or continue to issue challenges, depending on if they’re a Harrier or Wall Reaper. If they don’t score points, they’re the ones that get Erased.]

“That’s rough,” Neku says, and it looks like he’s going to say more when a big loud shouty guy comes running up to them.

“Gotchu punks now!” says the guy. Daisukenojo Bito, Josh thinks to himself. Nickname Beat, Partnered to his sibling, Raimu, aka Rhyme.

“You got us good yesterday, but today I’ma crush you, yo!” he continues, and Josh sighs.

“What are you talking about? Who are you?” Neku asks, and he has every right to be confused about a person he’s never met shouting at him like this.

[He probably thinks we’re Reapers. You can’t scan Reapers, and Player Pins make it so you can’t scan other Players, either,] Josh signs to Neku, right as Rhyme points this out themselves.

“They’ve got Player Pins. Players must not be able to scan each other. Remember? You couldn’t scan me either,” they say, and Beat deflates.

“… Oh. Yo, sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

[It’s fine,] he signs, but that makes Beat scrunch his eyebrows together in confusion.

“Yo, whatchu doin’ with your hands?”

“He’s speaking in sign language,” Neku says. “Sometimes verbal language can be hard, we happen to both know sign though. He just said it’s fine.”

“That’s neat! Maybe you could teach us some signs!” Rhyme says, flashing a smile. “Oh! We should introduce ourselves. I’m Rhyme, and this is my Partner, Beat.” Something flickers across Beat’s face, and Josh recalls his Fee as Neku introduces the both of them. Rhyme’s memories of him. He feels a pang of sympathy, knowing intimately the heart-stabbing pain of the most important person in your life forgetting you.

He decides to brood, letting Neku talk with the other pair about phones and Reapers and the mission. It’s not like he can contribute much to the conversation without having to go through Neku.

Then Rhyme is suggesting they work together, and Neku looks at Josh, the question he’s asking obvious by the raised eyebrow.

[Sure. Our odds are better if we have more people working to solve the problem.]

Neku raises his hands to reply. A silent, secret, conversation then. [Can we trust them, though? What if they’re Reapers? I can’t scan them after all, could be a ploy.]

[They aren’t. If you don’t trust them much, then that’s fine, but working together benefits us all. You can suggest we split up to cover more ground.]

Neku nods, and turns back to Beat and Rhyme. “Sounds like a plan. We should split up, we can cover more ground that way.”

The others agree, and off they go.

His brain is fog today, so he contents himself to drifting by, letting Neku figure things out. The battles they fight help to clear the air, but he’s moving through jello, and this headache keeps pounding away. Josh hasn’t kept his vibes tuned down for this long in a while, and he hopes that his body will get used to it, because acidic brain fog is not a fun experience.

Neku can tell that something’s up with him, and once the Moyai is cleared of its Noise, he asks, “Hey Josh, is everything alright?”

[Fine. Just thinking. Don’t worry about me,] he signs, and before Neku can ask anything else, he walks off, heading for Hachiko.

He already knows how to solve the missions this week, of course. He had a hand in creating them, so it’s easy to point out how Hachiko is looking dirtier than usual, less friendly, and they get to polishing.

The Garage Wolves that spring out of Hachiko are easy to take out. The Metal Corehog that Uzuki summons is easy too, but it seems Neku doesn’t feel the same. When the next swarm is summoned, Neku looks ready to pounce on Uzuki instead.

“Please tell me you’re not planning on fighting me? Ha ha ha ha! How stupid can you get? You’ll never win against a Reaper! But all right. I’m game. I was getting bored anyway,” she says, and Josh can only sigh.

Leave it to Neku to challenge a Harrier on day 2.

The fog in his head is blown away by the coming challenge, and he feels his throat open up. Finally. “Neku, Harriers aren’t going to be as easy to beat as Noise.”

Neku spares him a glance, surprised at his voice, no doubt. “She’s just going to keep throwing more at us. Take the problem out at the source.”

“Ha! As if a pair of Players on day two could even stand a chance! You got guts, boys.” She’s laughing and them, and Josh wonders where Kariya is, because he should be here keeping her in line. They balance each other well.

“If you fight with us, it won’t be us who end up Erased, Uzuki Yashiro,” Joshua growls. He lets some power leak, eyes taking on a faint glow, as the wind picks up around them all, his hair flowing in it. He’ll pass this off as a trick of the light, later, but the intimidation works, and her stance falters.

“Hmph, you’re boring. I know, let’s have some fun! A special bonus challenge, just for you, orangeylocks! If you pull it off, I’ll let you out of the Reaper’s Game!”

“Bullshit.” Josh cuts her off, rolling his eyes. “You don’t have the authority to do that.”

“And how would you know? Awfully knowledgeable about how us Reapers work for a Player. Here’s your mission, Erase your Partner here, and you’re out of the Game!” She’s got a smug grin on her face, and Josh frowns, seeing Neku waver.

“I have my reasons for knowing what I know, and I promise, Neku, I will tell you them. Don’t listen to her.”

Neku doesn’t have time to decide on who to listen to, because Kariya, followed by Hanekoma, come swooping down to the rescue. Koki gives a nod to him, and projects a thought, We felt the surge of power, figures that she’d be at the center of it. I’ll keep her off of your back.

Josh sends a quick Thanks, to Kariya, watching as he tries to herd Uzuki away.

“Leave the kids alone, you owe me a bowl of ramen, girl. I bagged more Players yesterday,” he’s saying, grabbing her hand and tugging her off in the direction of Ramen Don. Josh can’t help but laugh at the sight.

Once the pair have gone, Josh turns to grin at Hanekoma. “I see you brought in the cavalry to get her off my back this time. Hopefully Koki keeps her from bothering us much more.”

“You should know better than to egg her on, Josh,” Mr. H replies, and Josh can see how annoyed he is, from his hair sticking up to the barely-concealed splashes of color on his skin. Stress-painting again, he figures. He’ll have to apologize for this fit of anxiety later.

“She started it. Anyway, she’s gone now, so it’s time for introductions. Neku, this is Sanae Hanekoma, he runs the WildKat cafe on Cat street. Mr. H, this is Neku, my Partner.” He doesn’t need to add on anything else, Hanekoma knows all about Neku.

“Nice to meet ya, ‘phones. You’re gonna be in for a long week with J here as your Partner. I’ve known him since he was a kid, always had a knack for getting into trouble.”

“You had a knack for getting me out of it.”

Neku looks between the two of them, eyebrows raised, before he takes a deep breath, and sticks out a hand to Hanekoma. “Nice to meet you. How are you connected to the Game?”

Hanekoma shakes the hand. “Think of me as a sort of…guardian. I watch the Game, to make sure shady types don’t start bendin’ the rules.”

“Alright… And how did you two meet?” He gestures to Josh and Hanekoma.

“I visited his cafe, he caught me staring out the window at things I had no right to be seeing. I’ve always been able to see the UnderGround, the Game, and he saw me flinch when some of the Players were Erased. Took me aside, told me all about what I was seeing. First time in 10 year I heard that what I saw was real. Everything about the Game I know, I learned from him.” He’s nonchalant, as if revealing his sight was no big deal.

“Josh here is a trouble-maker, I’ll say that, but he’s a pretty good kid. You’re lucky to have him as your Partner. There’s only one way to stay alive in this Shibuya. Trust your Partner! Especially you, Phones. I saw you considering the offer.” Josh chuckles as Hanekoma goes on one of his speeches, he’s heard them all before.

Josh lets Hanekoma answer Neku’s questions. A better teacher than he could ever be. When Hanekoma lets the title Composer slip, Josh raises an eyebrow, but says nothing. He’ll fill Neku in on that more later. Once Hanekoma tosses Neku the fusion pin and explains it, he departs, and Josh gives Neku a little smile, before everything goes fuzzy.

“Why the hell did you stop me? I had those two in the bag!” Uzuki says, pouting at Kariya.

“Trust me, you didn’t. The orange-haired one, maybe, but the other? Don’t mess with him, if you know what’s good for you,” Kariya says, and she’s always thought that his laziness was a facade, but never is it more obvious than here.

“Who is he?” she asks.

“A kid I met a while back. You know how those people who have some sense of the UG are stronger in the Game? He’s always been able to see it, hear it, and he’s Played before. I’m a little surprised you don’t remember him, honestly,” he says, and he has that knowing look in his eyes that pisses her off.

“Oh, and why is that?”

“The last time he Played was about a year and a half ago. His name is Joshua. If you’ll recall, that was the name of your Partner.”

#fanfic #submission #TWEWY #TWEWY Bang 2017 #composerwithashotgun