#that iconic leo moment when he stands up for his trans friend by making Kitty look like an idiot

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #12: Sociology Class

Mr. Smith hurried across MIT’s campus alongside his friends. It was a big day for Mr. Smith and his friends- their first Sociology test. Mr. Smith wanted to be punctual to impress his professor after he had gotten angry and started a fight with one of the other students because they scored higher than him on a quiz.

Mr. Smith, however, became sidetracked when he saw several Greenbirds on the field outside the Humanities building. It occurred to Mr. Smith that he’d never petted a Greenbird before, so he tip toed over to the field as one of the birds flew away. “Goddamnit!” Mr. Smith swore, charging at one of the other birds, swearing again as it flew away. Mr. Smith spent twenty minutes chasing the Greenbirds as they kept flying to different spots, until finally they all flew away and Mr. Smith and his friends had to run to Sociology class, twenty minutes late.

“Sorry we’re late!” Mr. Smith exclaimed upon entering the classroom. He saw three new faces in the front and gasped as the trio all rolled their eyes. “It’s YOU, the gay geniuses! Why are YOU here?!”

“Our professor is on strike, so we had to join this class,” Explained Alex.

“I went on strike once! At Red Lobster waiting tables was too hard, so Amy and I protested!” Susan exclaimed.

“You are all stupid,” Said Leo.

“I’m just as smart as you, devil spawn!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“Then why are you so jealous of us?” Leo asked. “You’re always yelling at us for being smarter. You’re clearly envious.”

Mr. Smith gasped. “Oh no! What do I do?” Mr. Smith scratched his chin for several moments. “I know! Let’s go get high instead of taking this dumb test!” He yelled to his friends.

“Not so fast!” Yelled the professor. “You’re already failing my class. Stay and take the test or I’m reporting you to the dean,”

“I’ll just have my Dad blackmail him!” Mr. Smith said. “Ha! You can’t touch us!”

“I can fail you,” Said the professor impatiently.

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “That’s NOT FAIR! You’re a BULLY!”

“No, I just want you to take this class seriously,” Said the professor.

“They don’t seem to know how to do that,” Said Leo.

“Yes we can!” Mr. Smith scoffed.

“We’ll take this test and prove we’re smarter,” Said Philip.

“Good idea,” Said Mr. Smith. “I never noticed you were so handsome before.”

“You are too. But no homo, right?” Asked Philip.

“Yeah,” Said Mr. Smith, and they gazed into each other’s eyes again.

“Once again, you’re gay for each other,” Said Ritchie.

“No I’m not!” Yelled Philip. “STOP SAYING THAT! Or… or… or…”

“Or what?” Ritchie challenged him.

“I don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that,” Philip said, looking bewildered.

“Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to say too, even though I already started speaking,” Said Amy.

“Me too! I have to write down everything I say on notecards or I might forget,” Said Susan.

“No way!” Amy exclaimed. They high fived each other.

“Please sit down so I can give you your tests,” Said the professor.

“Do we get to use a calculator?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“You don’t need a calculator,” Said the professor.

“But what if I get my numbers confused? Counting is hard. I might need a number line too,” Mr. Smith said as the three boys giggled.

“There is no math on this test. Please sit down,”

Mr. Smith and his friends all sat in a group at the front of the room by the three boys, and the professor passed out the tests.

The doors to the class flew open and in came Mr. Smith’s friends Bob and Frankie, with Kitty trailing behind. “Sorry we’re late! We were trying to get our ice cream for free, but they refused to give it to us! What a cruel world it is for the working class!” Boomed Frankie.

“I know that better than anyone. I’m so poor, I’m not even the working class. I’m subworking class.” Kitty said.

“There is no such thing as ‘subworking class.’” Said Leo.

“You mean ALLEGEDLY there is none. You have no proof there is none!” Said Bob.

“Yes I do. It just doesn’t exist!” Leo huffed.

“But you have no proof. Just like you have no proof Santa Claus doesn’t exist, but those presents get under my Christmas tree somehow.” Bob retorted.

“You’re childish if you think Santa is real,” Said Ritchie.

“YOU’RE a little child inside! You still talk to your teddy bear!” Snapped Frankie.

“No I don’t-“ Began Ritchie.

“But can you PROVE that?!” Asked Frankie.

“Frankie! Bob!” Mr. Smith exclaimed. “Sit with us!”

“Of course, we’re best friends forever! Remember our best friends song?” Asked Bob.

“Of course!” Mr. Smith exclaimed.

“Forever best buddies, only you know me. Together we care for the puppies, see the genius in ourselves no one else can see!” The eight idiots all sang.

“Please sit down so we can start the test,” Said the professor, giving the three students their tests as they sat with the crew of morons.

They all began the test. Mr. Smith soon realized how hard this test would be. The question read, “What is the definition of a society?”

Mr. Smith poked Philip and whispered, “What did you get for the first question?”

“All the choices were wrong, so I just put 57.” Said Philip.

“Ok, thanks,” Said Mr. Smith, scribbling that in.

Bob raised his hand.

“There are no questions during a test!” The professor snapped.

“How can we know any of the answers to this test? There’s no proof any of this is true!” Bob said.

“I only understand social inequality, because I live in a carboard box, and cats don’t have the same rights as humans.” Kitty said. “And why is transgender on this test? It’s not real.”

“I’m transgender,” Said Alex. “I’m real.”

“But how do you KNOW you’re real? You have no proof,” Said Bob.

“I think you’re delusional. I’m a cat and we have a sixth sense, so I know these things. It’s my kitty sense.” Kitty explained.

“You think you’re a cat, so YOU’RE delusional. Don’t insult my friend because you’re a moron who thinks he’s a cat!” Leo snapped.

Kitty gasped. “Well, you and Ritchie are GAY! So you’re delusional! Men can’t love men!”

“Wait,” Said Bob.

“What?” Asked Kitty.

Bob addressed Leo and Ritchie. “How do you KNOW you’re gay? Allegedly you’re together, but how can you be sure?”

Frankie added, “I’m not sure gay people even exist. There’s no proof of it.”

“What about ancient Greece?” Asked Alex. “Besides, we know our own sexualities. I like men and women. How can you tell me I’m wrong when you’re not inside my head? YOU have no proof of what you’re saying.”

“You’re trans AND gay? Is that possible?” Asked Philip.

“I’m bisexual-“

“Stop saying bicycle! Riding a bike is hard!” Philip yelled.

“Yeah, stop bullying Philip!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk.

“Class, please take your tests in silence!” The professor snapped.

For the next forty minutes, the class continued their tests, but Mr. Smith still had only one answer written in. “Alright, class. Time to hand in your tests. This is a three hour class so we’ll be lecturing for the next two hours,” The professor said.

“Wait! I’m not done yet!” Mr. Smith said, scribbling in a few random words and numbers for some of the answers.

The professor began to collect the tests. She grabbed Mr. Smith’s, but he held on for dear life. “Mr. Smith, please give me your test!”

“No!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“Tests are hard,” Said Amy. “When I was in high school, I never finished any of my tests and I failed like, all of my classes!”

“That’s so annoying! My teacher passed me freshman year because I would give her pot if she gave me good grades!” Susan said.

Mr. Smith finally let go of the test after he forgot how to hold on, and the professor addressed the class. “Let’s go over these exams. Kitty, why is your test a drawing of an army of cats destroying the university?”

“Kitty will conquer the world someday with his feline army,” Kitty said.

“You’re not a cat!” Snapped Alex.

“If you can be a boy, why can’t I be a kitty cat? It’s the same thing,” Said Kitty.

“But gender is a social construct and species is not,” Said Alex.

“What’s a social construct?” Asked Kitty. “Are you an outgoing construction worker?”

“No,” Alex giggled.

“We learned about social constructs the first day of class,” Said the professor. “Anyway. Philip, why did you put numbers for all your answers? And why does your essay question have a very long and incorrect algebra equation with the words “X means I’m better than Leo and Ritchie” instead of answering the question?”

“It’s a more influential equation than e equals m c squared,” Said Philip.

“It says 2x + 2= 6, and you said X equals 17. How would that prove your superiority even if it were true?” Asked the professor.

“Math proves all of the secrets of the universe,” Said Philip.

“O-kay. Simon, why are there no answers on your test? And why is it soaked with tear splotches?”

“It was really hard so I started to cry,” Said Simon.

“Amy and Susan, why are all of your answers the same? And why do both tests have a contract at the end saying “We promise we didn’t cheat. Signed Susan and Amy.” I know you cheated especially if you both signed both tests.”

Susan and Amy scoffed. “How did you know that?” Asked Amy.

“That’s so annoying!” Susan scoffed.

“Bob and Frankie, on both your tests you simply wrote, “there is no evidence Sociology is not just a giant government conspiracy, so we refuse to take this test. Signed Bob and Frankie.””

“You can’t prove we’re wrong, just like you can’t prove unicorns don’t exist. I went to a stable once and saw at least four unicorns,” Said Frankie.

“Those were horses!” Ritchie rolled his eyes.

“Horses are a government cover up for the existence of unicorns,” Said Bob.

“Oh my God,” Said Leo. “That’s completely ridiculous.”

“YOU’RE ridiculous! You and your alleged boyfriend have no proof, just like you have no proof you’re dating!” Bob retorted.

“We’re dating. There’s your proof,” Said Ritchie.

“Hear say,” Said Frankie. “Not real proof.”

“So you think we’re lying?!” Demanded Ritchie, furious.

“No, I just don’t think you have sufficient evidence. How do you KNOW you’re dating? Maybe you’re just really close friends,” Frankie said.

“Class. Please focus. Anyway, Mr. Smith, for number nine, what is the definition of the family, you wrote in the word “puppies.” Please explain.”

“The puppies on the puppy farm are family,” Mr. Smith said.

“Sure they are. Then for nonconformity you wrote, “My Dad sticking it to the man by blowing up his Chem lab.” That’s not appropriate,”

“What does appropriate mean? Does it mean your clothes?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“For social norms, you wrote “what is normal?” and scribbled a drawing of yourself as a child saying one plus one is fourteen. Those are all the answers you have besides random words and numbers.”

Mr. Smith shrugged. “The test was hard. Did I get a good grade? Like a 60?”

“You got a zero, since all your answers were wrong,” The professor said flatly.

Mr. Smith picked up his textbook and threw it across the room. Then he ran to the board, grabbed all the markers and erasers, and chucked them out the window. “Now you can’t teach anyone anything!” He yelled. Then he ran over to the teacher’s desk and tipped over the computer monitor, and grabbed the teacher’s water bottle and dumped it on the computer monitor for good measure. “Take that!” Then he shouted, “Now it’s time for my dramatic exit!” Mr. Smith opened the window and squeezed through, despite the fact that he was on the third floor. He got stuck however, with his upper body facing the class and his legs dangling out the window. “Help! I’m stuck!”

The professor had to call the fire department to get Mr. Smith out, his face burning with shame. Once he was freed, he yelled, “That’s it! I’m never coming to this class again! You all made me look stupid! I quit!” And then he and his friends changed their majors again to Psychology.

Fin.

***

#that iconic leo moment when he stands up for his trans friend by making Kitty look like an idiot #ritchie makes clear how much he cares about leo #adorable #amy and susan #when you and your friend cheat on a test but don’t want to get caught #so you sign a contract with both your names saying you didn’t cheat #at the end of both tests and then you get caught #one of life’s many mysteries #original story #funny story #silly story #fiction #fictional gay couple #gay #cute gay couple #leo and ritchie #mr. smith story #mr. smith and philip still don’t know they’re gay #mr. smith and philip #ridiculous story #philip and simon #mr. smith tries to prove his intelligence #relentless mr. smith #mr. smith doesn’t belong in Sociology class #or any class really #kitty #bob and frankie