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one-abuse-survivor · 10 months

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im struggling so much lol. im the anon who mentioned on christmas that going back brought no feelings up and stuff, and the one who moved into their uncles place,but once i got home and slept ans stuff it hit me like a truck. i couldnt stop shaking my heart rate was so high and i couldnt believe i went near my dad or like the same house as him lmao. the memories have been coming back one by one since then and its just so draining and i dont really know how to cope. im trying my hardest to not fall back into old patterns and self destructive behaviours but, with each memory comes like a new self revealation?? like i always thought i was okay, that despite all i went through im actually doing moderately okay for myself. but nope. im realising now that i have terrible social skills and cant even keep a conversation going because theres so much fear inside me about messing up and being screamed at and threatend, and i have some major trust issues lmao god damn its insane its all just mindblowing to get all at once i want it to slow down a bit lol. idk im finding hard to balance my work life, social life and now all this 'new' trauma and the pain and memories it just makes me feel so hurt and angry at my parents like why couldnt they just be normal parents??but its been validating on new years eve though. they apparently argued right as the clock hit midnight and were awful to eachother the whole time ( my sister told me). just like they did last year, and the many more before that. they havent changed at all which to me is very validating because i was constantly told that theyve changed lol. thanks for letting me vent, i hope your new year went as well as it couldve gone :))

Just saw this ask right after replying to your previous one. I'm really sorry you went through this, nonnie. It's so awful when trauma hits you like a truck this way and all the emotions feel suffocating and overwhelming. I really hope you gave yourself time to grieve the childhood/adolescence you could've had and to feel all the anger you need to feel.

It sounds like the reason you didn't feel scared or triggered while you were with your parents might've been because your body simply didn't feel safe enough to feel all those emotions in their presence. That might be why they hit you hours later when you were already back home; that's probably when your body felt safe enough to let them all out.

It's always hard to realise how much you're struggling, and it's no wonder you wanted it all to slow down. I hope you know it's okay to tackle all of these issues one at a time and at your own pace. You don't have to face all of these struggles at once. And the fact you're struggling with so many things now doesn't mean you always will. Things do get so much better with time and support.

And, yeah, abusive parents (&co) do tend to claim that they've changed and they're no longer who they used to be. 99.9% of the time, that's just an attempt to guilt-trip the victim into falling back into the abuse, and completely untrue. But even in the 0.1% of cases when abusers really have changed, they have no right to contact their victims to tell them as much. Their victims don't owe them literally anything, much less forgiveness or another chance. So, yeah, I'm glad you got confirmation that their claims were bullshit, and I hope you know you do not owe your parents anything; not even to hear them out when they claim to have changed.

You're welcome for letting you vent; I'm glad I could provide a space to do so! Sending a huge virtual hug. Hope you're doing well ❤

#ask #trauma tw #trauma #ptsd tw #abuse tw #abusive parents tw #abusive father tw #child abuse tw #verbal abuse tw #vent

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el-patito-de-los-ojos-triste · 2 years

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From botanical asks.

Bird of paradise, apricot drift, queen's cup, blazing star (but only if you want)

bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?

Well at the start of this month I got to go to the ocean for the first time ever. It was really fun and expensive but fun!!

apricot drift; how do you feel right now?

I'm tired and sore. Working hard every day this week :p and yesterday I got home from work and cleaned every bit of my townhouse, then stayed up till 12 playing dnd (first session in a new campaign). So I'm tired but doing pretty good

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?

Hmmm.... Like food or in general? Butt, good butt, uhhhh I wanna go to karaoke but money is still blown from ocean trip. My next dnd session (Saturday, I'm the dm and the players just finally hit the really exciting shit after like 5 months of playing). That's about it :v

blazing star; share a secret.

I tried really hard to think of like a positive one but i really dont have any :c so here is sad one i suppose. I'm doing like really good now, and im generally happy in life, maybe content is a better word Idk. Things arent perfect but they're not like hopeless and miserable like they were before, and im really getting to try and be me, and that's nice. But the more i do that, the more some part of me wonders why I'm doing it. I still dont have any like actual ambition. I still have all these painful memories and like more or less permanent injuries reminding me of everything that's gone wrong. I still recognize that I'm actively working every day to build a life where i can be happy when i genuinely dont care about that, I just know that im supposed to want it so im doing it. It's all just a big charade for everyone else's benefit and I kinda dont want to keep it up anymore.

EDIT:: I HOUGHT OF A GOOD ONE!! When work was still allowing overtime and junk i had extra money and i was helping a couple long time friends of mine make their bills (one is single, one is married with 2 kids). They really needed the help but the only way theyd agree to take it is if i agreed to let them pay me back When they could. I didn't want to keep tabs on what friends owe me, it feels icky, and also i Didn't want more debt hanging over them so i gave them this whole spiel on theyve paid me back every time i helped in the past, so i know they intended to and that's enough for me, their friendship is more important than the money blah blah blah and told them i wasnt going to accept any money back. Now money is really tight cuz work made a ton of cutbacks out of nowhere right when i got back from beach trip. They each owed me like 4 or 500 dollars, but I wont say anything to them (and still give them gas money when they need it) because i want them to be okay

#burble burble #anon burbles

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