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queerofdenial · 3 years

Text

angst drabble

@trying-to-get-somewhere-real i blame/thank(?) you for instigating this spiral by feeding my tag monster brain with validation

i've had a LOT of thoughts about avadeb and the way they'd approach conversations about the age difference, what love means to them in the context of finite time, and how they would each view sacrifice as a necessary component of that love down the road. i'm sure i'll essay it all at one point but it's quite simple put shortly:

deborah vance would not hesitate to sacrifice her own love for ava so as to save ava the heartache of losing her, while ava would sacrifice her long-term happiness, embrace the loneliness for the rest of her own god damn life to spend the rest of deborah's with her.

ava, the ever stubborn gen-z, would absolutely win that fight.

and anyways suffice it to say this little established avaxdeb deb-thinks-about-the-long-term-and-gets-scared-to-do-the-hard-thing brain worm ~loosely~ came out of that and I cannot for the life of me understand why it produced the first 800 words I've vommed onto a page (literally just now, unedited) in almost seven years but i can only blame the hbo hacks hive, so enjoy the rot y'all hope i make ur hearts warm a least a little <3

...

“Where do you want to go with this, in the long run?” Deborah asks, walking out of the en suite bathroom.

Ava’s taken aback, eyebrows shooting up. “This, as in us?”, she puts her late-night Diet Coke on Deborah’s left nightstand before wiggling a finger at Deborah from where she stands across the bed.

“Well, that came out of nowhere.” Ava is utterly confused for a second. Deborah quirks an eyebrow at her, expectantly. Then it clicks. “Is it because you overheard Damien and I talking about the plans for your birthday party next week? I can totally have him cancel the 7-0 balloons if that’s what this is about.”

“That’s not—“ Deborah closes her eyes, taking what seems to be a calming breath before continuing. “Will you just answer the question.” Her foot is persistently tapping the carpet. Oh. She’s actually nervous. Shit. This is an actual serious conversation.

Ava turns down the sheets before sliding into the bed and leaning up against the headboard and motioning for Deborah to join her. If Ava’s about to embarrass the shit out of herself, at least she’ll be comfortable.

“To be honest, Deb, I haven’t really put that much thought into it”

“…You haven’t.”

“No, no. it’s not...it’s…”, she pauses, sitting up a little bit straighter in the bed. “It’s that i can’t think about it. It’s too...hard.”

“Wow. Way to make a girl feel special, Daniels.”

“No, god, it’s not that either, Dee, will you just chill?”

“You know I ha—“

“Hate it when I call you that, I know I know. Would you please be patient with me Deborah I’m about to drop a romance bomb.” Ava sighs, running her hands thru her hair before they lay to rest, squeezing lightly on the sides of her neck.

A sharp quip about Ava’s prose dies on Deborah’s lips as she reaches an arm out to lay her hand in the crook of Ava’s elbow, forcing her to make eye contact as she pries the arm away from Ava’s neck and takes Ava’s hand in both of hers in her lap.

Another sigh. An intake of breath.

“I could spend every day with you for the rest of my life and it wouldn’t be enough. not enough time, not enough you. I could spend the next eighty years loving you”, she emphasizes.

“Ava…”

“But we’re not going to get eighty years, are we? We’re going to get twenty, maybe thirty, if we’re lucky or if Betty White shares whatever fucking magic coke she’s injecting into her veins.” Deb cracks a muted smile and Ava’s eyes soften, “My point is…it’s not going to be enough. It’ll never be enough. Not for the way I love you. not for the way you deserve to be loved. You know that, and i know that, and Kiki definitely knows that because she keeps asking me when I’m going to put a ring on it which is probably why we’re having this conversation in the first place and—”

Deborah cuts her off with a whisper of Ava’s name and a hand softly placed on her cheek. The eye contact is too overwhelming as Ava pushes her cheek further into soft skin and goes back to tracing the pattern in Deb’s robe with her eyes.

“I can’t think about the rest of my life with you without thinking of the rest of my life without you.” She reaches up to grab Deborah's hand again just to squeeze it tighter, “I’m going to spend enough time missing you after you’re gone, I refuse to waste the time that I have to love you on mourning you.”

Ava’s vision remains stuck to the robe as they sit there quietly, Ava catching the heavy rise and fall of Deborah’s breathing out of the corner of her eye. Seconds go by that feel like minutes. With each passing moment of silence the weight of Ava’s love for Deborah squeezes harder around her neck, the ball of emotion caught in her throat choking Ava until she starts seeing spots. Her survival instinct kicks in just as she feels like she’s about to pass out.

“Will you just say something?!”, she forces out, eyes darting up to meet Deborah’s and she gasps.

“Oh.”

Ava’s never seen her cry, not like this. “Deb…” Two tears chase down her cheek, picking up remnants of the day’s mascara before pooling on her jaw and dripping down together to where Deb’s robe sits open on her chest. Ava wipes at it with her thumb before curling her fist into the neckline of Deborah’s robe.

"You're going to be the death of me, Ava Daniels," Deborah breathes, leaning closer to Ava as she reaches her free arm up to tuck a hair behind Ava's left ear.

Ava scoffs at that, how can she joke about a thing like that right now.

Ava watches as the melancholy expression on the other woman's face turns into a suppressed chuckle at her own joke, bottom lip sucked between two teeth as her face lights up. Deborah's smile takes Ava's breath away, really, and she's choking again on just how much she loves this woman.

That's how.

Ava kisses her.

i literally have no idea how to even THINK in deborah's voice let alone write in it (to those of you who do, kudos upon kudos) alright goodnight kids

#avadeb #brain rot brain rot #hacks has taken over #not even sure if this will show up but that's probably for the best #with you/without you line has been stuck in my head for weeks now #you're free now ficlet maybe i can sleep? please?#ava daniels #deborah vance #angst bunny #did i just build a fic around three lines that should've just been an essay #mahybe

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chibistarlyte · 4 years

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one day

He's okay, Katsuki has to remind himself again, almost afraid that Todoroki might slip right through his calloused fingers if he doesn't hold on tight enough.

ayyy here’s a follow-up to my previous todobaku fic some days, this time from bakugou’s pov as he deals with the aftermath of todoroki’s depressive episode.

thank you to kat @sunshineijirou for the beta, as always! <3 ilysm!

fic can be read below the cut or here on ao3! you can also find a masterlist of all my bnha fics here!

If someone had told Katsuki, when he woke up this morning, that by this afternoon he’d be spooning with his secret crush after said secret crush jumped down to his balcony in some kind of depressive fit…

Suffice to say that Katsuki would have never believed it, even if his life depended on it.

Yet here he is, arms wrapped around Todoroki Shouto’s waist and his face buried in the back of his neck as the other boy sleeps peacefully in his bed. Or, Katsuki assumes peacefully, judging by the light snores and soft, lax features of Todoroki’s face.

Well, Katsuki thinks as he breathes a warm sigh against the other boy’s still frigid skin, at least Todoroki is safe now. It would be an outright lie to say that Katsuki hasn’t been worried about Todoroki all goddamn day, ever since he saw the other boy sitting precariously on the edge of his balcony and uttering uncharacteristic existential thoughts earlier that morning.

Just a little bit ago, when Todoroki had jumped...Katsuki’s heart had all but stopped in his chest.

Unconsciously, Katsuki tightens his grip around Todoroki and digs his nose deeper into the soft skin at the nape of Todoroki’s neck, breathing in his scent. He’s okay. He’s okay.

Katsuki jolts as he hears a loud buzzing noise, his palms sweaty and sparking in his alarm. He quickly retracts his arms from around Todoroki, afraid of burning the other boy with his Quirk. Katsuki belatedly realizes the sound is his phone vibrating on top of the headboard. Wiping his sweaty hands on his shirt as he sits up, he reaches for his phone and unlocks it with a click. A notification bubble at the bottom of the screen tells him the class 1-A group chat is active with messages right now.

Midoriya: hey guys has anyone seen todoroki-kun since class was over? he left before i could catch up with him and he hasn’t answered any of my texts and when i went to his room to check on him he didn’t answer… Uraraka: i haven’t seen him since our rescue exercise, deku-kun. are you sure he came back to the dorms? Midoriya: i mean i’m not positive but where else would he go? Iida: Todoroki-kun has been acting strangely all day...perhaps he heeded our advice and sought out Recovery Girl? Kaminari: nah bruh, i was at rg’s office after class for my broken wrist, i didn’t see him there Tokoyami: I can have Dark Shadow scope out the area and look for Todoroki, if needed. Yaoyorozu: I am worried about Todoroki-san. He wasn’t acting like himself today, and I fear to think what would happen if he’s alone right now. Jirou: which room is his???? i can listen in and see if hes there Kirishima: he’s on the fifth floor, right above bakugou’s room

Katsuki sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Great, now Todoroki has the entire class worried after him. They’d send out a goddamn search party if Katsuki doesn’t say something.

So he starts typing.

Bakugou: relax u damn extras, icyhot’s with me

There’s a short pause in the chat as several people begin typing and soon enough the messages flood right in.

Midoriya: what???? todoroki-kun is with you, kacchan?! Jirou: shit, dude, he must be fucked in the head to go hang out with explody Kirishima: is he ok?? are u guys in ur room bakubro? Mina: DID U KIDNAP THE POOR LAD, BAKUGOU?!? Uraraka: can we come see him?

Katsuki lets out a frustrated sigh and thumbs back a response.

Bakugou: if any of you assholes even think about coming and pounding on my door, i’ll break ur fuckin fingers. halfie’s asleep so you chucklefucks need to keep quiet

As if to make sure the group chat hadn’t somehow awoken Todoroki from his slumber, Katsuki looks away from his phone to the sleeping boy next to him. Not much has changed in the last few minutes, save for a slight twitching of Todoroki’s nostril and the fingers of his right hand slightly curling and unfurling.

When his phone pings with another message, Katsuki sees that it’s from Kirishima. He opens their text messages.

Kirishima: hey bakubro is everything ok?? i mean not just with todoroki but with u too? Bakugou: i’m fine, shitty hair. not sure about him, tho Bakugou: he was pretty messed up when i brought him in Kirishima: what happened? Bakugou: the crazy fucker jumped from his balcony down to mine like an idiot, coulda hurt himself Kirishima: … Kirishima: ...was he trying to Kirishima: u kno…

Katsuki doesn’t want to think about the reasons behind Todoroki’s actions, behind the other boy’s strange and despondent behavior all day. He knows Todoroki’s got family issues, with what he’d overheard at the sports festival in their first year. Then, after having dinner at the Todoroki household and interning with Endeavor all those months ago, Katsuki has been able to put the pieces together well enough.

He scoots down the bed until he’s lying down again, his arm against Todoroki’s back as he holds his phone up to text with Kirishima.

Bakugou: idk, he hasn’t told me anything, just basically been a zombie the whole fuckin time. he was so cold and he wasn’t usin his quirk to warm up, bastard’s lucky he didn’t get hypothermia or some shit Kirishima: do u need anything? Bakugou: i told u, i’m fine Kirishima: ok...but srsly, i’m here for u if u need to talk...or if i can bring you anything, yeah? Bakugou: yeah, yeah, i get it hair for brains Bakugou: ...thanks Kirishima: i gotchu bro

Katsuki sets his phone on silent before locking it and placing it up on his headboard again. He rolls onto his side, chest against Todoroki’s back once again, and reaches around to touch the back of his hand to the other boy’s forehead. It still feels colder than it probably should, but warmer than before, which Katsuki counts as progress.

He settles his arms around Todoroki’s waist again and scoots closer until they’re flush against each other. Katsuki tangles his legs with Todoroki’s to help warm them up—Todoroki’s bare ankles feel cold against Katsuki’s own heated skin.

He's okay, Katsuki has to remind himself again, almost afraid that Todoroki might slip right through his calloused fingers if he doesn't hold on tight enough.

"You really fuckin' scared me there for sec, half-n-half," Katsuki murmurs against the back of Todoroki’s neck, feeling the moisture of his own breath bouncing back at him from their close proximity. "The hell did you think you were doing?" he asks the air, knowing full well that Todoroki is dead asleep and can't hear a word Katsuki is saying.

And thank fuck for that, because Katsuki can't seem to shut himself up and continues speaking.

"Don't you realize how many people care about your stupid ass? How important you are to everyone? Fucking Deku, Round Face, Four-Eyes, Yaomomo...me…"

Katsuki clenches his jaw to stop his mouth from betraying him any further. He has no idea what's compelling him to such honesty. Perhaps it's because he knows Todoroki can't hear him, knows that he won't have to suffer any unfortunate consequences of having his feelings laid bare in front of him.

Just...seeing Todoroki fly through the air, even if it was only for a few seconds...Katsuki could have forever lost the chance to say all the things he wishes he were brave enough to admit.

He sighs through his nose, his teeth gritting painfully against each other as he tightens his jaw even more. Fucking coward, he chastises himself.

"Bakugou?"

Katsuki's heart stills in his chest as Todoroki’s confused, sleep-laden voice drifts into his senses. Todoroki stiffens in his grip, muscles tense and taut, almost as if he's afraid of something. Unconsciously, Katsuki's arms tighten around the other boy’s waist and he finds his hands pressing almost protectively against Todoroki’s abdomen.

"I'm here," he answers belatedly, nuzzling his nose against Todoroki’s skin—still too cold for his liking, but ever so slowly getting warmer.

Todoroki exhales, going boneless in Katsuki's arms. There's a minute shift of his head as he digs his cheek into the pillow. "I...didn't dream it, then…" he says a bit absently, sounding so, so tired.

"Dream what?" Katsuki asks softly, his fingers tracing odd shapes on Todoroki’s skin.

"That I was here...with you," Todoroki clarifies, letting out another exhale that made him deflate like a balloon with too many leaks.

Katsuki is unable to keep from snorting. "Couldn't very well let you leave after you just—" He stops himself from finishing that thought, because the idea that Todoroki really might have been trying to off himself was too much for Katsuki to handle. "Look, you could barely walk and were hardly coherent enough to make it back to your room. I couldn't let you leave and end up hurting yourself or some shit."

Todoroki lets out a breath that sounds suspiciously like a laugh.

"Don't you fucking laugh at me, you bastard," Katsuki says without any real threat. "Sorry for fucking caring about your stupid ass."

It's then that Todoroki starts to pull away, curling in on himself. He untangles his legs from Katsuki's and worms his way out of Katsuki's arms until he’s at the edge of the bed, the two of them no longer touching.

Katsuki's heart sinks into his stomach. Damn it, there goes his stupid mouth ruining everything again.

"You shouldn't care about me," Todoroki says, sounding miles away.

"Why the fuck not?" Katsuki bites back, not liking where this conversation has turned.

"I'm not worth it," Todoroki repeats his words from earlier, and they still feel like a knife stabbing right through Katsuki's chest.

He doesn't understand why someone like Todoroki could ever think he's worthless.

It makes him...angry.

"What the fuck is it gonna take for you to realize that you are worth it?" Katsuki says in a harsh whisper, trying to reign in his rage. He knows if he explodes now, he might chase Todoroki off and cause him to do...something…

Todoroki doesn't answer.

Against his better judgment, Katsuki reaches for Todoroki’s back. His fingers barely graze the black t-shirt he's wearing before he notices a significant drop in temperature. Frost begins crawling up the shell of Todoroki’s ear.

"No, no, stop that," Katsuki says as he frantically scoots closer. He envelops Todoroki in his arms once again, willing his own body heat into the other boy to cancel out the freezing power of his Quirk.

To Katsuki's surprise, Todoroki shifts and rolls over so that they're face to face. Tears snake sideways down Todoroki’s face and melt into the pillowcase. Katsuki feels incredibly guilty for still finding Todoroki so beautiful.

Katsuki's hands find the small of Todoroki’s back, his fingers tangling in the cotton of his t-shirt.

"I'm sorry," Todoroki chokes out, squirming and wiggling until his face is hidden against Katsuki’s chest.

"Nothin' to be sorry for, icyhot. We all got shit to deal with," Katsuki mutters into Todoroki’s hair, wanting to lay a kiss along the part of red and white. But he refrains.

Todoroki just nods. Katsuki can feel his tears soak into his shirt.

They stay like that for what could have been moments or hours, for all Katsuki knows. When he hears Todoroki’s breathing even out again, and notices a faint warmth pulsating through the air, Katsuki sighs in relief.

It's amazing how one day can change so many things, he muses. Katsuki's world has been tilted off its axis in the span of mere hours, making him reevaluate almost everything he's come to learn about himself, about Todoroki. He knows, without a doubt, that he cares for the idiot in his arms. His moment of clarity had come the second Todoroki had let go of the railing.

Katsuki swears to himself that he'll make Todoroki realize how much he matters to everyone. And, maybe one day, how much he matters to Katsuki.

#todobaku #todobaku fic #tdbk #tdbk fic #bakutodo #bakutodo fic #bnha #bnha fic #my writing

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