#the fact that Cas said with words and tears I've loved you from the beginning | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fatefought · 2 months

Text

nobody's daughter

here is a shortened collection of annie clara cresta's journal entries. though there are many, these are just snipbits pertaining to the relationships she shares with her birth parents, among other topics. there is an emphasis on her mother: sable. though many of cresta's entries tend to be hopeful and happy, these lot are not.

anxiety, faked pregnancy, child abandonment, ptsd, implied violence, pregnancy, gaslighting tw! if i am missing any, please let me know.

06/07/58

deer diary,

i met mama to day. she said to call her sabel sable. i don't know why. i tried to give her a hug. she did not like that. gran says i met her before. i do not remembur. why can i not? i think i look like her. i do not look like dad. i see dad a lot more. he comes by sumtimes. he looks like pops. i do not look like pops. i love pops AND gran. they love me to. i love dad and sybell sable. i hop they love me to.

- annie clara

08/15/61

dear diary,

sable came by today. it's been a while since she last has. grandma didn't tell me that she would be visiting, for some reason. it's unfair of her to do that. they looked at me like i was some ghost, even though aggie got pale like one. she shushed me and sent me to my room. what use was that? i put my ear to my door. neither of them were happy. no, they were yelling. all i hear about anymore is the academy, and it was no different now.

i was starting to believe that sable just doesn't care about or for me. and yet, she seemed torn apart over the fact that i wasn't signed up for the academy. no, i don't want to take part in it. caspian joined last fall, and he's gotten so rough. he's not the boy i once knew. still, it's nice to know that sable does care.

she doesn't care about my dad though. or at least, i would never speak of those i have a fondness for the way she speaks of him. she called him pathetic, and worries that i'll be cursed like him. i feel so conflicted about it all. but hey, my mom cares right?

sincerely,

annie clara

08/03/62

dear diary,

four is ablaze as of late. the latest victor of the games is from our shores. he's young, too young to have endured what he has. he's all beaming smiles though as far as i've seen. everyone is as of late. cas is so wide eyed at the thought of becoming finnick odair one day. it turns out that a winner brings prosperity to all the district. the market is alive more than ever. but in the busle of it all, i find a peaceful quiet amongst maintaining the corners of pops, may he rest in peace, and grandma's place.

i don't think grandma is gonna let me back there for a while though. sable swung by. she filled her basket aplenty. i had assumed her keep had been vaster this season. aggie has a phrase she uses about assumptions. i've told you it before, no use repeating it now. sable told me how rough it had been lately for her. she's pregnant apparently. her and mazin are excited, she told me. sable couldn't afford what she carried. pops, may he rest in peace, would turn a blind eye for most when something like this happened. hell, grandma does it too. why was she mad at the thought of me helping out a family? my own brother or sister?

regardless, i guess my nose will be in you more than ever since i've been banished. grandma's words, not mine. that and the paperbacks i find around the house.

sincerely,

annie clara

08/04/62

dear diary,

the sun hasn't risen over the horizon yet. and yet, the tears that peck away at my eyes do not make them heavy. why did sable not want me, but looked so happy now? is it hard to love me - impossible even? i see so many with parents who love them unconditionally. divina, cade, caspian - the list can go on and on.

what is it about me?

sincerely,

annie clara

01/30/66

dear diary,

fletcher is beginning to feel like a brother, but a very distant one. i'm not sure what makes a father, but i'm tired trying to find one out of him. i would like to spend time with him though. he comes in flurries, the ones sailors say they see this time of year when they trek through chilly lochs towards district seven. grandma is kinder to him than sable, but she doesn't seem to have the ability to feign warmth. pops, may he rest in peace, was the one who could. i'd hear people say: where you stand with marcin, you could never be sure; aggie either wanted you around or made it known otherwise.

i wonder if fletcher resents me. my birth effectively stole his life. i live a good life; i'm warm, fed - happy. would he have a life with sable if it hadn't been for me? sometimes he speaks of her and their long, lost friend. the games took him. a man from twelve more specifically, apparently.

his eyes get misty whenever his friend gets brought up. it's like watching pops, may he rest in peace, cry with how much they resemble each other. i hate the sight, it rips my beating heart. so i avoid that talk. i think grandma would have preferred that topic over sable. silence flooded the room when i asked about her child. there was never one. not any of the times when i allowed for goods to be snuck out of the market for them.

at least, she looked well. at least, she looked happy. makes sense, life must be a blessed one without me.

sincerely,

annie

09/27/70

dear diary,

hello dear friend. you've been hearing from me non-stop. apologies for the erraticism; it's hard to make sense of it all anymore. if everything isn't blaring, then it is layed in a haze that exists around me. but as terrifying as the latter is, at least there's some peace around me. not in my head nor thoughts, but i'm afraid the devastation of the arena will eat away at that forever.

i think i'm doing a terrible job when i attempt to hide the reality. my return to home brought fanfare like finnick odair's, but there's something else. i'm not deaf to the whispers or the judgements. sometimes, i yearn for that though. people question my sanity. they're not alone. i do too.

divina has made their way to my new home many times over. i appreciate the company. my blood house and the nearby shorelines are peaceful - at least compared to all else. i can tell they're trying to comfort me; my neighbors have done similarly, as has grandma. still, sometimes divina's soft-spoken, well intended words throw me.

sable lives locally, unlike fletcher. why did div feel the need to recount what they've overheard from my mother? i'm an embarrassment. my performance left something to be desired, it seems. we don't share a name, not first nor last. perhaps far fewer would even know the bloodline we share, if only we wouldn't see the other staring back when we looked in the mirror. her worry was founded, i'm afraid. i'm pathetic - like fletcher.

i hope i don't demand too much from you as of late, friend. until the arena, i had never bothered reading you back. now it feels like i'm desperate to find the girl i once was within your very pages. i fear that she's gone, and the mess that remains is a burden.

i miss caspian, like many others, i'm sure.

sincerely,

annie

02/01/71

dear diary,

the moon takes residence amongst the stars at the moment. i'm not sure whether the breeze is predominantly salty or brisk. either way, i do not mind. both awaken my senses; both make me know that i am here. i have given you a break, one that you very much deserved. nowadays i cannot make sense of what goes on in my mind, let alone put them to paper anymore. i used to write about happiness often, i'm sorry it has changed as of late. it's terribly ungrateful to be this way, when i still get to see my breath in the february air.

is all i do anymore is complain? that's what i will continue to do here. i saw sable as i closed the market this evening. grandma is not in favor of me returning so soon. it's not often that i assert myself when it comes to her. and with good reason, i trust grandma. nevertheless, i can get lost in the repetition in restocking, similarly as i can get consumed in trying to count every cloud when i melt away at the beach.

few things are crystal anymore. but my mother knows how to stop my chest from falling or rising, like she controls my lungs herself. i used to think about this moment, stomach the courage to ask about the lies. but those inquiries were wiped from forefront as she starts talking about what she's entitled to. she brought me into the world; my athleticism comes from her. my blubbering questions her reputation to those who know we're linked. the damned fool i am, i don't even realize it's about the blood money. fletcher already asked in the fall. i feed into both. i have more than i need nowadays anyways.

i am unsure whether i will tell grandma about this exchange. and with how things have gone recently, who even knows if i will even remember it in a week's - month's - year's time?

sincerely,

annie

(edit: 06/10/75)

sable comes by a couple times a year now. the end goal is always the same. the conversation is shorter. the price is always the same: a small sum and a chipped part of my soul. why am i like this?

05/18/74

dear diary,

the spring has been beautiful, like the man who lays beside me basking in the sun. water cascades and gently flows outside the boat, as we slowly coast away from shore. finn's hands, ones who i've grown so familiar with, remain steady on growing bump. not a day goes by where i'm not blown away at the situation and how we've come here. there's no one i would rather start a family with. he'll be the most incredible father to our baby. i know this from the very core of my being.

i love our little guppy more and more everyday. as terrifying as our world remains and the circumstances that might very well happen, my love for them is something that i am certain of. but yet, i worry. neither sable or fletcher raised me, but what if i'm no better than them. what if it's as simple as nature? what if they felt the way i do now, and none of that mattered? i want more than anything to be better, but what if i am fundamentally incapable of doing so?

i never want my child to feel the way i did. and in regards to their daddy, i know finn will never make our son or daughter feel that way. with all that i can muster, i pray that i never do as well.

sincerely,

annie

07/04/74

dear diary,

caspian is just a few weeks old, and snow has ripped his father away. i'm not sure which is more heartbreaking: the way finn could not hide his despair at leaving our family or the way i see my sweet son's eyes trying to see where his daddy is? they match finn's. i believe that it's a first testament showing that he'll continue to inherent the best parts of his daddy. though in truth, there's no part of finnick that i do not adore. i just hope cas gets more of him than that of me.

but my time and care is something that i can give heaps of to my little man. i refuse to take it for granted. not when my world shifted the first time i held him; not when finnick, who would want nothing more, is carted away from heaven to a deep, foreign layer of hell. i will tell him all about caspian's day tonight when he gets into the city. i wish my memory was photographic as to not spare a single detail. i wish i could paint it into finn's mind, like he was able to see it himself. right now, our son is resting peacefully, taking one of many naps. i hope his existence remains as serene as it is during his earliest days. one can dream, no?

i once worried that i would become like sable and fletcher. that's no longer a concern. and in moments like this, sometimes i wonder if maybe the situation wasn't my fault though the sentiment is always short-lived.

sincerely,

annie

03/14/75

dear diary,

i hadn't intended on introducing fletcher - nor sable - to cas. in fact, the thought of them rejecting him pains me much more than their lack of acknowledgement of me ever could. though fletcher did as he does best, which was come around unexpectedly. agatha attempted to dismiss him and send him away, but the damage was done. and while my darling, sweet boy was oblivious and cheerily smiling, his mother felt her heart lodged deep within her throat.

finn isn't thrilled either, and i don't blame him for that. my difficulty when it comes to setting boundaries isn't on him. i wish i could just utilize the advice him or agatha have given me over the years. the thought of saying no to him - and sable too - brings me back to when i was just a few years older than caspian. young annie clara's want for her parents' love felt like a need. one that would never be met.

finn wants me to talk to fletcher, and express inflexible measures. i'm nervous. but at the same, maybe it'll be easier than others. other times were just me. this impacts my family - the most important man and boy in my life. doing right by them for them feels incredibly less daunting. wish me luck, old friend.

sincerely,

annie

(edit: 03/16/75)

fletcher agreed. he expressed regrets and a want to mend things. time will tell. i have to keep telling myself that, or the unrealistic expectation will be like a blade slicing through scar tissue in my back. like it always does; like it always has. the only relief comes from the fact that sable lives unaware. i cannot be sure that she wouldn't hold my son's life against me, and put someone truly innocent in merciless path of harm's way.

09/75

we start anew, old friend. with how violence and new normals surround panem, i would not be surprised if you are nothing but charred remains in four once i return home. and for that, i won't shed tears. there's so much more at stake after all. the war is far from over.

materials are scarse so words must be too. finn and cas: they're alive. we're together once more, and hopefully to remain until i hold no air in my lungs. agatha, mags, nat, cadie, katniss, sterling, jo, beetee - even more are safe within thirteen. thea, cece, peeta, enobaria, & amara survived the cells. fletcher made it out apparently, as i've been told. i hope mr. leatworth and sable are safe within four, and many others too.

i'm not sure who to trust in all of this anymore, but the man i love and my darling son are here. and regardless of how things may turn out, at least my little family will be together throughout.

- a.c.c.

#rip annie cresta #you would have loved the original works section of ao3 and therapy #eventidepast #* drabble / annie .#anxiety tw #pregnancy tw #gaslighting tw #faked pregnancy tw #ptsd tw #child abandonment tw #implied violence tw

3 notes · View notes