#the weather has been wiiiild lately | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

queerenbyfeminista · 5 years

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I have lots of feelings right now.

My life is going well. I got a new job, I will be moving to Atlanta in two weeks. I get a fresh start! That's what I have been craving. My girlfriend and I are also doing well. We hit bumps, but our communication has been working this past year. We're doing great and have so many exciting things ahead of us. Drama at home is low. My sister and my mother aren't talking to each other so the fighting has stopped. My sister is doing so much better. The kiddos are amazing little beings that give lots of love. I have the most amazing and supportive close friends.

But i can't seem to appreciate any of that. I feel so bad, all the time. I know the gloomy weather today is bringing this out, along with the new moon in virgo. But, it doesn't make my feelings any less relevant. I don't feel worthy. Of any of it.

I can't help but feel like I don't deserve this amazing new job. I don't deserve to move across the country and be happy and do my own thing. I feel like I'm failing at being a sibling, child, aunt, etc. I often wonder if I genuinely worked for this and deserve this. Or am I just good because I speak spanish and do community organizing already? AM I lying about my abilities? Am I really that competent? I look at my resume and it all seems fake. There is no possible way that I, Crystal, actually did that. That's not me. The person on that paper seems fucking amazing. That can't possibly be me. I am not stupid, but I know I can't possibly be that smart. Sometimes I feel like I'm stealing from others. There is no way that this first generation queer mexicana can articulate in those ways. Can write in those ways. Can analyze things with that much depth. There is no fucking way that I have the impact on the people around me in the way they describe it.

It makes me want to claw my skin off when they tell me I'm amazing. Since I've put my notice in at work, so many people have vomited their feelings about me. Instead of feeling good and loved. I want to puke. I want to tell them that I have fooled them, and there is no possible way I impacted them in that way. When they cry immediately after knowing I'm leaving, I get angry. I don't feel sad with them. I think they're ridiculous for crying. I don't feel that special or powerful to have that much of an impact. It amazes me that people think I'm powerful, intelligent, loving, caring, and amazing enough to keep them alive. To change their life in the amazing ways they have changed their life. If I was truly that amazing, things would be different.

Oh, my partner. My partner shows me love. In many ways. Her affection is perfect when we're together. She hugs me and I feel safe. She kisses me and i want to melt. Her scent is so comforting. She reaches for my hand often, just to hold it. She still asks if it's okay when we have sex, and that is the sweetest fucking thing. She makes me laugh when I'm mad, which works for her benefit lol. She holds me tightly when I sleep. She tells me it's okay when I wake up in a panic.

Her words of affirmation aren't said as often as I would like (especially when I feel shitty). But I guess that's my fault. I try to keep a good face on, and she's not dumb. So I have to work extra at hiding my feelings. Sometimes she doesn't know I called her after a panic attack because I make sure my voice is steady, my nose is no longer stuffy, my breathing is normal, and I make sense when I speak. Sometimes I tell her a little bit, just enough for her to know I'm in a mood, but I don't share the full extent. I'm terrified to fully let her in.

She is confident. Smart. Outgoing. Has so many friends. At peace with her body. Full of energy. Full of jokes and humor. She is fucking beautiful, sexy, and hot. She is creative. She is sensitive, even though she acts like she is not. She pushes forward even when her life isn't perfect. She can talk to anybody. Her laugh is contagious. I stare at her sometimes and feel so much love.

And as weird as this may sound, I don't feel like it's real. I don't feel beautiful. I know that my brain is good enough. But my looks, nope. I used to feel confident and sexy when we first started talking as more than friends. But lately, I haven't. I am embarrassed of my body. All of the scars, stretch marks, dips, and curves it has. I look in the mirror when I'm naked and I feel awful. I feel like she says she loves my body just to be kind because she is my girlfriend. And it's silly, because if that was the case, she wouldn't be with me, right? But, wrong. People can get used to people. People can be infatuated at first, but after time goes by, they can overlook some things because they love other things. That's how I feel. Like she is overlooking my body just because she likes my brain and heart. I took pictures, and I wanted to share them... but the shame and embarrassment that came over me before I sent them paralyzed me. How in the fucking world did I think that this body could be sexy? That this body could attract someone? So, I didn't send them. Sex lately, I want the room as dark as possible. I don't want her to see me with any bit of light. I don't want to see her face go from being pleased to horror if she sees me in a bad angle. She tells me I'm beautiful... but, sometimes I don't feel like she means it whole heartedly. She has been with beautiful people. Not beautiful in the sense of their brain or heart, but physically. Even all of her friends are fucking beautiful. And I have always gotten the "beauty fades, but intelligence doesn't. So at least you're smart, it will go far." People aren't attracted to me physically, that has been the fucking story of my life. It's always AFTER they talk to me, get to know me, see the work that I do. Then they become attracted. & like, I know it's not always about looks. But for once, I'd like to feel that I am loved for me. All of me. All of the dips, curves, marks, and scars on my body. The size of my body. My brain and my heart. It's also my fault for not communicating that to the fullest, but it makes me feel stupid as fuck to ask my partner for a little more words of affirmation, or a little more of this or less of that. now that to me feels fake. Like they're only doing that because I asked, not because they want to or really feel like that. I'm sure that when she says I'm amazing, she means it. I mean, I have heard that my whole life. My heart, intentions, and brain are always amazing. So I don't doubt that. It's the physical part that makes me sick sometimes. I have been trying to get through it and rebuild my confidence. I was doing so well. I wasn't giving a fuck about what people thought and embracing my body, feeling beautiful and confident. But for the past couple of months, I have allowed myself to go back to feeling like scum. I have allowed all of the years of being told that "at least" I'm smart to crawl back in my head. I have allowed their whispers of "no one's going to believe you, you're not pretty enough..." to seep their way into my dreams.

Moving on from intimate relationship insecurities and fear of vulnerability. I can't stand my mother. Her way of thinking and excusing all of the hurtful things she has done and said is wild. Her level of denial is surprising. The shit she has done to me, is whatever. Yes, it still gets to me and I am reminded of it every once in a while, but whatever. It's the way she has hurt my sister and nieces and nephews that fills me with rage. The way she can sit there genuinely believe she did nothing wrong. My nieces and nephews won't know what it's like to have a loving grandma the way I did. They won't get to experience the decent part of my mom the way we did when we were young. Her religion and her narcissism have gotten out of control. Thinking about her makes me fucking sick. And my father. UGH. He was my hero when I was younger. But as life has gone by, he's just a macho alcoholic that can't stand up for his kids and chooses others that aren't even related to him. Fully accepting that I have lost my parents and the idea I had of them shatters me. But I push it aside because it's not worth feeling this heart ache. I've known it. I have experienced it when I came out as gay. But I am finally accepting that they aren't going to change and that hurts. A lot. When I let myself fully think about it, I feel like I can't breathe. They are missing out on so much just because they can't handle hearing how they have hurt us. Oh well.

I'm gonna miss my kiddos when I leave. They love me so much. No matter what I look like, what I do. They think their tía is fucking amazing. It's super cute. But I'm also scared for them to realize I have been fooling them too. They don't know they have a tía that attempted suicide and was sooo close to ending it. They don't know they have a tía that has moments where she is disgusted with herself. They don't know they have a tía with dysthymia, basically high functioning depression. They don't know they have a tía with high anxiety and deep fear of vulnerability. I'm not the hero they think I am. But it's cute that they think I am a hero, I'll let them think that a little bit longer.

While I am feeling all of the above, I am stressed the fuck out about moving. I have so much to do at work. I have to create a manual that explains step by step all that I do. When I created an outline and saw how much it is, I wanted to crawl into bed and just sleep. I also have to find people to be a part of the leadership team before i leave. And do all of my regular job duties.

I also have to find a place to live. Which is really hard considering I have never been to Atlanta and no one fucking calls back!!!!! That is driving me fucking wiiiild. Not in a good way. I have to pack and go through all of my things. I have to say bye to people I care about, I have to plan a party things, I have to buy some clothes to get me through the first week of work, at least. I have felt light headed all day and realized it's because I haven't eaten well today and have loaded up on coffee. But also eating has been making me feel weird lately. Anyway, I know things will fall into place, but I have less than two weeks before I move and I am stressing the fuck out.

Being in my head is exhausting. It doesn't shut off.

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