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levucky · 4 years

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al horford sleeper agent

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anyway by now ive told basically everyone i care about but i had a life changing experience over the weekend. n it sounds dumb as shit but i met a real life dude who was basically a clone of nick from franz. weird hours. guess this is a thread

before we start i want to say i havent thought about franz in weeks. theyve gone away on their own finally but really i think my old obsessions just get replaced every few years and maybe it was my hard work in therapy or my new obsession with rap or

maybe it was just a realization or me growing up and maturing or something but i dont even want to work on my favorite fanfics anymore or anything. it’s just odd. i think im changing

and i don’t think about how my former favorite band members are doing or worry about them or check their socials n it feels really good. but i know there probably is or probably will be a replacement

ok that was a tangent. if they were replaced by anything they were replaced by new friends and the NBA. so there’s the exposition of this story sorted

anyway back to the weekend. the sleeper agent invited me to lunch. and that was the catalyst. god people are being so loud in here let me go to the art library

anyway i just kind of realized "huh i guess there's more out there." i went to lunch n shit. WE went to lunch n shit. stopped caring so much about my math homework. let myself be dumb and in love

that’s a very human thing. lunch. he spilled his stupid chipotle burrito all over his stupid bright green celtics jacket

he’s from italy. never even stepped foot in a chipotle. immediately clowned himself. some world we live in

we hung out all weekend. we went to lunch like two more times and we went to dinner. there was this big threat of leaving looming over my head the whole time. i made him walk like a mile on crutches and i feel very bad about it

i don’t know what’s wrong with him. it’s somewhere between a basketball injury and a chronic disability. either way that just made me feel even more emotionally attached to him. i never saw him without the celtics jacket

it was so cold that weekend. or maybe i just didn’t bring the right jacket. if he were a gentleman he would have offered me the celtics jacket. i didnt even hug him goodbye

and then of course he went back home. theres a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time. theres nothing special about me. he doesn't want to talk. i wrote my ap psych notes in green yesterday bc i was so in love with that stupid celtics jacket

im a sixers fan. the sixers and the celtics have been rivals forever. it was about to be war, except i want to move to boston. but really i want to move to dc. i wish the whole world was philly. things would be less complicated

im in love with a celtics jacket. a celtics jacket. of all teams. and i cant even talk to my basketball friends about it because they think im dumb shit for falling for some celtics fan with a million girls all over his instagram comments all the time

im not like those girls. i don’t think im like those girls. but i definitely exactly am

i have an economics test in fifteen minutes. i think one day ill drown in the atlantic ocean.

the test wasnt that bad. i thought about writing this the entire time. i would just zone out and stare and think about the phrase ‘al horford sleeper agent’

because he has to be. why else would someone put a diehard sixers fan right in front of a diehard celtics fan who looks exactly like the guitarist of their middle school favorite band

in reality i should be calling him a celtics sleeper agent because the whole point is that al horford is a sleeper agent for the celtics. but i hate al horford so i guess it’s more funny to include him in the title

i mean how can one player change so drastically like that? al horford was benched for the first time since his rookie season, like, two weeks ago after being traded to the sixers. how does that happen? why *wouldn’t* he be playing badly so his old friends win the title?

al horford’s gotta be retiring in like, three years, tops. he’s working for the celtics, i know it. and my sleeper agent is trying to convert me to a celtics fan

i understand why people make jokes, though. it’s a very human thing to want to go home. al horford just wants to go home. he lived in boston for however many years let me look it up

god whatever it was only three years i thought it was like eleven that just ruined my point

back to the matter at hand though that’s all we’re trying to do. we all just want to feel at home. we’re all just these little things trying to connect somehow. sometimes we are more desperate than others

i think im pretty desperate right now. sometimes i sit in my bedroom and im like damn when do i get to go home? but im home

i didn’t even want to leave dc. it was all star break and there wasn’t even basketball on. so there i was, in basketball purgatory, wizards territory for some god forsaken reason, losing sleep over a celtics fan and not wanting to go home

and when i say i was losing sleep you better believe me. i was so excited to wake up in the morning that i didn’t want to fall asleep. i wanted to be awake forever, endless, running through the city

i’ll get there soon enough. it’ll be with different people. college, yknow. all that. but sometimes i feel like certain things can’t be replaced.

and im acting like a different person lately. im using my phone at red lights just so i can check for a message from the sleeper agent. it’s always one word responses

yes. ok. maybe. some shit like that. a haha every once in a while. he’s not interested and i should stop trying

and then, INEVITABLY, i send something stupid back, a photo of my hand on the wheel or something, and i get left on read

and i know im stupid for it. everyone i know is screaming at me “disco, you’re dumb shit” but i just want to believe for a minute that im loved, im special

I want to feel like someone out there cares about me that isn’t obligated to, yknow? my mom can say she loves me all she wants but it doesn’t feel as good as some italian celtics fan saying it

some hot italian celtics fan mind you

even if he wasn’t hot or italian it would be nice. and actually it would be better if he liked like, ANY other basketball team

except maybe the knicks

but whatever. main point: i know im dumb shit and should stop trying. but it feels good to feel like if i keep trying maybe i’ll be wanted

sleeper agent is just one of those people tho. he’s magnetic and everyone always wants to be around him. dumb as hell in the most charming way ever. my friends are still all making fun of me

i started crying in a pizza place the other night because even the CONCEPT of italy sent me over the edge. i need to stop before i

wait what’s the word

i need to stop before i immortalize him? no, no

i need to stop before i deify him. soon enough he’s going to be a new canonical character in my head and i’ll start making up legends and stories to myself

we barely knew each other. if i deify him i’ll start telling people he offered me the celtics jacket when it was cold out. he’ll become a perfect gentleman. and he wasnt. he was just some stupid hot italian boy in a bright green jacket

im not going to deify him. it won’t happen. but i love the color green. i always say i love yellow more but i think that’s passed. i wear a green ring on my right ring finger every day. im not going to deify him and i still hate the celtics

overall, the celtics are winning the rivalry. i don’t think the sixers have ever truly been “great,” at least outside of philly. maybe allen iverson. wilt chamberlain. dr j? theyve never had like, a dynasty. idk. i don’t think you’d be able to get a sixers jacket in italy.

it’s his birthday today. i should probably text him. i should probably stop thinking about him. that’s just dumb shit, disco youre better than this what happened to a little self confidence every now and again

sure lets say external validation isnt necessary but also i think that’s something the mindfulness crowd made up to sell more planners and tote bags in 2011. it feels good to be wanted

never waste all your time on it sure. know youre still worth it even when you have no friends and there are a million girls all over his instagram comments. but it does feel good to hear “goodness disco i like how much you like the philadelphia 76ers”

my friends are all making fun of me for being on some romeo and juliet shit because he’s literally from verona and he’s a celtics fan and im a sixers fan god damn it disco why does this always happen

i never even read romeo and juliet but i saw the dreamworks adaptation so i guess ive got the story relatively right i know they die in the end. the gnomes shatter into little pieces i think

anyway tangents aside the sixers won tonight. philly is lit up green. why the hell is philly lit up green? the eagles were done like three months ago and the flyers are orange. why is philly lit up green

oh god, he just snapped me. a zoomed in photo of himself with caption that says “76ers” with like five exclamation points

here we go again, everybody

wish me luck

#writeblr #writing #original writing #creative writing #narrative #my writing #philadelphia 76ers #boston celtics #nba #just inspo lmao #also jacket boy is currently quarantined for coronavirus #just thought id add that with the news out if italy #pip pip cheerio #al horford #al horford sleeper agent #narrative nonsense #disco is my real name

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bassistrosetta-blog · 4 years

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I may be mean, but I DO have empathy and sympathy.

Well, it's 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake. I was told not to respond to all the mean things people said about me on the internet, especially when I'm in an angry frame of mind, well I didn't listen. And it didn't make me feel any better. I erased them eventually. Now that I am in a calm state of mind and I've been taking my meds dilegently, I think I can explain my feelings without anyone getting too offended. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I can't force you to agree, but fact is this is how I feel. Sorry.

I deleted my Facebook recently. Writing my thoughts impulsively or when I am triggered was pretty much always a habit, starting with my Xanga in like 2005. It comes from extreme anger, dispair, desperation and just crying for help. I recently got kicked out of my band because of this habit. It reminded me that not many people like me and it's mainly because of my posts. People think they know me just because they read my posts, but they're wrong. So wrong. Then they think they have the right to spread rumors about how I am a terrible person. It happens so much I actually believe people when they call me a bitch, an asshole, an attention whore, trash and just an overall shitty person. Just because of my posts, especially the mean ones. I FUCKING HATE IT when people say it's not my bipolar disorder, I am just being an asshole. Well I'll tell you all that I take full responsibility for my actions and live with the consequences once I realize I'm wrong. Ask my family and my boyfriend. I can be an asshole when I'm manic, depressed or feeling normal, so I'm not gonna blame the blasting people on facebook on my bipolar disorder. I get psycho sometimes. Idk. But you all come off judging me like you have a PhD or something. NO ONE can tell me I'm being an asshole and it's not caused by my bipolar except for my psychiatrist and maybe my counselor. Not you.

Yes, I regret my posts that either blast people out of anger or expose my desperation and dispair. I'll admit it, I fucked up time after time. Consqeuently, I am embarrassed, humiliated and my sorrys don't mean anything anymore because people experience my bullshit all the time. My sincere apologies are outdated and I get it. These are the consequences.

I am envious, I am angry, I am insecure, then I'm cocky, I'm no role model. I don't want people to believe that what I do is okay. I take my own risk when I post what I am feeling, but I should write a book, not put it on facebook. People don't care and when they do it bothers them I guess because mental health is a touchy subject. On rare occasions, I have someone message me saying thank you for posting how I feel because they are reminded they're not alone. That makes me feel good. Imagine if I wrote a book instead? 😌

As for putting people on blast. I will carry that burden for years to come. I dug my own grave. My reputation is kind of screwed up here in the valley. Either people don't care or people are talking shit about me left and right. I'm aware. I sometimes get episodes of paranoia because of it. I go to a gig and I cant tell who hates me and who's against me. Who read my posts and who didn't. I carry a knife with me because I feel like people are out to get me. I'm always peaking out the window and making sure my cutians are shut. The anxiety is horrible. I wouldn't wish it upon anybody, not even the people I've blasted. So yes, I do suffer as a result of my actions because I have some empathy and some sympathy. I am not a sociopath. I have empathy towards people with mental illness. I have sympathy when I am not angry toward those I've hurt. I am sorry, but like I said, apologies mean nothing now. You could say what I've done is unforgivable. I understand the error of my actions. I asked a past psychiatrist (cause I've had many) if I have borderline personality disorder instead but after much evaluation, she insisted I have bipolar disorder 1, not a personality disorder. This means I have some control over my actions so people should not feel sorry for me. Bipolar is treatable and my 6 medications are working just fine for me rn. I'd like to try cbd oil one day though. 🤔

I am currently seeing a counselor about my anger issues. I'm working to improve myself now that I'm aware of my errors. I started out by deleting my Facebook, but I still blast a little on instagram but not as much I think. Idk. I will have to fix that. I want to be a way better person, mostly for my music career, my family and myself. If I fix it, I'll be happier. And who doesn't want to be happy? 🥰

Thanks for reading

Ileana xo💋

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