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marvels-writings · 4 years

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Professional Flirting

Carol Danvers (Captain Marvel) Masterlist

Requested by Anon: Req for carol x female reader where carol gets hurt and the reader who’s the avenger’s medical dr treats her and carol was nervous but ended up so love stricken that she kept finding any excuse to go and gets a check up by the dr again. The dr also likes carol a lot but is bolder than carol and is very flirty which makes carol flustered and gives her butterflies. Please let it end with carol making the first move. Thank u I love ur writing!

Word Count: 2,282 (long and fluffy)

A/N: Do I have a minor sprain in my wrist? Yes. Do I give a single fuck? No. And I love this req

“Tony, I swear to god, what did you do this time?” You groaned when you heard the knock on the glass panes of the medical bay.

You turned away from your workplace to where Tony and Peter were carrying in a blonde woman who was bleeding blue blood. Your eyes widened, the woman’s suit was covered in her blood, her hair messy and falling into her hazel eyes. Peter and Tony seemed as surprised as you were as they helped her inside. Her arms slung over each of their shoulders, she was panting heavily.

“What the hell happened?” You demanded, walking over and helping the woman on one of the medical beds. Blood coated your hands, you quickly washed it off and slipped on gloves.

The rest of your staff was on their lunch break or absorbed in their projects. You were in charge of the entire medical team, none of which were present. For now, you were the only person in the medical bay. The responsibility of treating the woman in front of you was up to you.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Tony defended himself, raising his hands in defense after helping the blonde onto the bed. “She came back from a solo mission that went sideways.”

“For once, this isn’t your fault,” You muttered, ushering Peter over to help you with the suit.

The teenager quickly hurried to help you after putting on gloves. He was familiar with the medical bay. Peter had many accidents while living in the compound. Whenever he came, he was sure to ask you questions and help as much as he could. Your medical team often waved him off, unwilling to deal with his questions, but you didn’t mind.

Carol glanced up at you from the floor. You wore the same uniform as the rest of the medical team. Your hair was down, but you were tying it into a hasty ponytail to deal with her injuries. The blonde stumbled when she saw your face. Even in her exhausted and painful state, she was still able to admire you.

You ignored her statement and quickly analyzed her. Most of the injuries seemed to be on her shoulders. You needed to peel aside the suit to see it. The blonde seemed familiar, Carol hadn’t been to the medical bay since you had been in charge. But you had a hunch it was the famous Captain Marvel.

“Shouldn’t you get the rest of your team to help Ms. Y/l/n?” Peter asked politely, gently unzipping the suit.

“It’s fine,” You waved off his concerns, analyzing the wounds and quickly bringing over a small bowl of water and cotton. Peter’s brow was furrowed with concern. He wasn’t sure what to do or how to help.

“Peter, trust me,” You reached forward and took his hand. “I’m a doctor. I know what I’m doing,”

“You sure sound like it.” The blonde mumbled, you raised an eyebrow but laughed anyway.

“I’m y/n y/l/n, and you are?” You asked sarcastically, reaching one gloved hand towards her to introduce yourself to her.

The blonde rolled her eyes but shook your hand, introducing herself as Carol Danvers, confirming your suspicions. She was Captain Marvel.

“How did the great Captain Marvel end up looking like a bruised banana?” You joked, cleaning up the wounds on her back gently with warm water. Tony laughed, announced he had other things to attend to and left.

“I…” Carol trailed off, unwilling to describe how she had gotten injured on a simple mission. The blonde didn’t want to embarrass herself in front of you in a few minutes of meeting you.

“Don’t get me wrong,” You patted her uninjured shoulder before moving to the other side of the room to get ointment. The blonde looked from you to Peter nervously, unsure of what you were going to say.

“You still look attractive,” You winked.

Carol’s eyes widened at the compliment. She stuttered to reply. Peter joined you in laughing at the prominent blush that tinted her cheeks. Giggling, you made your way to her back to start applying ointment to the wounds.

The blonde stayed quiet, not knowing what else to say to you. The teenager at your side, however, had many things to say and questions to ask. You patiently answered all of his questions about you, how you got where you were, your doctorate, what you were doing. Carol was surprised at the amount of patience you had. Most people Peter asked questions to waved him off, but you answered all of his questions.

“Pete, as much as I love talking to you, could you get some bandages from that drawer?” You asked, gesturing to the cabinet in the corner of the room. Peter nodded excitedly and hurried to find the bandages.

“How, how bad is it?” Carol stuttered, you patted her shoulder.

“It’s not too bad, some of the cuts are deep,” You licked your lips, choosing your words carefully as not to confuse her. “You might have a sprained shoulder which you might need to follow up on.”

Peter handed you the bandages, which you gratefully accepted and started putting them on some of the deeper cuts. On the smaller cuts, you applied bandages. Peter continued to pepper you with questions, making sure to apologize in case he was annoying you. But you easily reassured him that he wasn’t annoying you. Once you were done, you gave her a small pat and got up.

“Alright, that should hold for a few days,” You said, taking off your gloves and tossing them into the trashcan. “If not, don’t hesitate to come back.”

“Doctor y/l/n?” Peter asked, helping zip up Carol’s suit.

“I told you to call me y/n Peter,” You chided, before indicating for him to continue.

“Is she okay?” He asked, his voice concerned.

“Yep, as long as she doesn’t strain her shoulders too much.” You said, watching Carol smile at the teenager for his concern.

Peter helped Carol out of the medical bay after saying their goodbyes. But Carol had intentions of coming back, even if it meant getting injured for it or faking an injury for that matter.

————

The next day, you were helping an intern learn how to use the regeneration cradle when your assistant told you someone was here to see you. Usually, you never had personal visitors except for family and the occasional Avenger bringing you lunch. You were almost famous for forgetting to eat.

But this time, you saw Carol waiting by the doorway. The blonde wore a light blue t-shirt and jeans, her hair was washed, a few strands falling into her eyes, a sheepish smile on her face.

“How can I help you?” You asked, a flirty smirk on your face. Carol noticed but played along, shuffling her feet and fidgeting before looking up to meet your eyes.

“Sorry to bother you,” Carol apologized, lying easily. She wanted to see you again, the superhero was unapologetic about wanting your attention.

“But I thought one of the cuts might be infected.”

“Come over here,” You gestured over to the same bed you had her on yesterday.

Carol promptly sat down, waiting for you as you put on your gloves. The blonde pulled down her t-shirt so you had a better view. You examined the cut, it didn’t seem infected at all. It was just fine, but taking a little longer to scab over.

But you weren’t as oblivious as Carol had hoped. You knew why she was here, the blonde was almost infamous for avoiding the medical wing even if she had a broken ankle. For her to come to you because she thought a cut is infected was almost ridiculous.

“It seems to be fine,” You observed, pulling the t-shirt back over her back. The blonde sighed, hoping you didn’t hear the sound of disappointment.

“I’ve never seen someone more disappointed about a clean-cut,” You joked, taking off your gloves and smiling at her while throwing them away.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Carol covered it up, knowing she was caught when you raised an eyebrow skeptically.

“Come back if you need anything,” You laughed at her expression, “Unless it’s another ‘infected cut’” You used air quotes, walking off towards where your intern was calling you.

Carol watched you leave, wanting your attention again. But she didn’t know how to ask you out. The only time she could spend time with you was when you were at work. So, that was when she would spend time with you.

Even if it required her to come up with injuries every time she came to see you. Every time Carol came, she made sure to try to talk to you before you got back to work. But whenever she tried to flirt, it ended up backfiring. She intended to leave you a flustered mess, but you were always the one to give her butterflies and a blush that stayed with her for the rest of the day.

By about the fourth time, Carol decided to bring you lunch after Peter told her you often forgot to eat. She brought you some take-out that she heard one of your interns had recommended to you.

With the bag of take-out, she knocked on the glass door to the medical bay. You turned around from your laptop, looking around the empty medical bay for a student before turning around to face Carol. You smiled and gestured for her to sit.

“What seems to be the problem this time?” You asked, tilting your head to the side. “Rotator cuff tear in one day? Perforated ligaments?”

The injuries you listed were the same injuries Carol had faked when trying to spend time with you. They were both injuries she had found when she searched for shoulder pain. The blonde had learned later they could not because by minor cuts to the skin.

At one point, she tried to make up an injury, which didn’t end well. A majority of your interns were now joking about the superhero who faked an injury to see you every day.

“Nope, just got you lunch,” She lifted the bag of take-out.

“Thanks,” You smiled, taking out one of the boxes.

It was sushi, you picked up chopsticks and ate them with ease while working and talking to Carol. The blonde realized far too late she had forgotten to get a fork for herself. When she tried to get up to get herself a fork from the kitchen, you decided to teach her how to use chopsticks.

“Like this?” Carol asked, holding them the way you would make the ‘Live Long and Prosper’ sign from Star Trek. You laughed and finally gave up, leaning back in your seat.

“I don’t know how you plan to eat by saying Live Long and Prosper,” You groaned, brushing the hair out of your face. It was one of the few times you let your hair down since you weren’t working. Carol licked her lips while staring at you, trying again to use the chopsticks.

“Come on, it’s not that hard,” You finally reached forward and took one of her hands in yours, guiding her fingers to hold the chopsticks.

The blonde blushed, watching you guide her hands to hold the chopsticks.

“I swear, it’s easier to teach my students to operate on someone than teaching you to use chopsticks,” You muttered, trying to move Carol’s fingers to hold the chopsticks properly. The blonde laughed and shook her head, strands of hair falling into her eyes as she tried to use the chopsticks.

Once she got the hang of it, you helped her put the sushi roll in her mouth while grinning at her. Your warm hands still resting on hers.

“See, you finally got your lips to touch something,” You remarked, brushing a strand of hair away from your face and returning to your food.

“I’d rather my lips touching yours.” Carol quipped, smirking at you.

This time, it was your turn to blush and fluster while Carol laughed at you. You glared at her angrily and took a bite out of your sushi roll.

“Oh, how the tables turn,” The blonde said sarcastically. You raised an eyebrow, turning to face her. Carol moved her chair closer to you, her knee brushing yours.

“Don’t be too sure about that Danvers,” You warned, a prominent blush still on your face as you turned to face your laptop.

“Oh?” Carol asked, leaning forward with a smirk so her face was inches from your ear.

You opened your mouth to say something sarcastic, but you turned around only for your lips to meet hers. The blonde grinned and leaned forwards, resting one hand on your thigh as your lips moved over hers. Pushing herself off her chair, Carol was about to pull you closer to her when a knock at the door surprised her.

Peter was standing behind Tony, eyes wide in surprise. The millionaire stood there with a smirk, his hand against the glass panel. You broke away from Carol in surprise, rolling your chair back and clearing your throat.

“Hi…” Carol trailed off, biting her lip to prevent her laughter from breaking out. The blonde brushed her hair away from her face.

“I thought flirting wasn’t allowed in the workplace,” Tony said, smirking at both of you.

“This,” You gestured between you and Carol, it was professional flirting,”

Carol started laughing instantly, you glared at her to try to get her to stop. It didn’t work, the blonde’s infectious laugh caused you to start laughing too. Never did you expect lunch to go the way it did, but you weren’t complaining.

A/N: Y’all i hurt my wrist typing this so please tell me it was worth it

Tag List: @capcarolsdanver, @versdan, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught, @lovebotlarson, @dhengkt, @hstoria, @natasha-danvers, @veryfunnyal, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx , @ophelias-heart , @never-didbefore , @justarandomhumanhere, @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all , @thatssocamryn , @lesbian-x-blackwidow , @marvelbbyx , @wlw-imaginesss , @hcartbyheart , @summergeezburr , @imnotasuperhero , @dversstark , let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

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ghostmartyr · 4 years

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SnK 129 Thoughts

This month: More people screaming and dying.

Next month: Probably more people screaming and dying.

Eventually: Just a whole heck of a lot of screaming.

(Not dying because there will be no more people.

They will be dead.)

Sooooooooooooooo.

Uh.

This chapter has people screaming and dying in it.

As well as the continuing strangeness of actively rooting for Reiner and Annie.

Ayep.

Ding-dong, Magath is dead?

Yet again, we land on the problem of a chapter that is largely self-explanatory, and the perhaps deeper problem of people committing themselves to doing a thing once a month, even if they’re not sure they’re able to do said thing. There’s good stuff here, I’m just hesitant to start talking about it lest it comes out like a random spew of instantly forgettable bullet points.

Since I don’t care, I guess we’ll start with Magath dying.

I don’t care. Moving on!

Theo Magath is a man who has always cared for the children under his command. Even though they’re Eldian, he has routinely gone above the expected amount of effort in securing their safety. He is the one who worries and waits for Reiner, Annie, Bertolt, and Marcel to come home. He is the one who destroys the worst of the military he’s a part of so they can stop depending on titans. He cares.

What a fucking bastard.

Keith Shadis dies with him. After a life of trying to make himself special, putting lives at risk every step of the way, he finds an appropriate time to make his exit. He’s the one who raises every fighter out in the port. He’s the one who has watched as the other instructors kill them so that they can find the ones strong enough to make the cut.

He’s the one who picks Eren up and brings him back to his bed after he inherits his father’s burden.

One thing I do think is important to note, whenever I’m inspired to say, ‘Fuck Marley,’ is that Paradis is not great.

Paradis has child soldiers too. They’re just slightly older.

Paradis fully expects their soldiers to go out and die too. Their consent just skates through needing air quotes.

Paradis has a corrupt government run by self-interest -- until they have a coup.

Magath’s job, his entire career, has been to make the most of the enslaved Eldian lives he’s been handed on a platter. It is his job to train children up to murder people. If they are not good enough at murder, they will be fed to other children.

Shadis feels more comfortable. He’s been a reasonable authority figure for most of the manga, with his worst crimes being in his past, and even that reveal coming with a greater show of humanity than any other displayed that night. He tries to run Eren out of the military before he destroys himself. He worries for the boy, and gives a voice to the struggle of trying to be special when you’re most gifted at fucking up.

Paradis’ military, at the start of the main plot, gets its recruits via shaming teenagers into being willing to die, or starving teenagers into being willing to die.

The primary difference between it and Marley’s system is that in that section of the totem pole, the oppression level is relatively neutral. The wall systems are kind of fucked, the nobility is kind of awful -- but like. Their last genocide was what, two years ago? And it was killing poor people, not people people.

Everyone in Paradis’ military has to deal with the fact that they’re in a shrinking safe space and they’re either going to starve, or monsters are going to eat them. That is the great equalizing force. If their commanding officer fucks up, he is going to get eaten. If the person next to them fucks up, they are going to get eaten.

They are not crouching down, approaching tiny children, and explaining that it is for the good of humanity that they are the ones eaten because their blood is dirty. Anymore.

Fuck Marley. Fuck its internment camps, fuck its slavery, fuck its brainwashing, fuck how it turned Good Eldians and Bad Eldians into war rhetoric. Fuck just about everything it has to offer.

Paradis is fucked up in the spirit of everyone there being equally fucked (unless you’re rich) (or nobility). Marley is fucked up because it’s made being fascist, warmongering assholes a national policy.

So you have two men on a boat waiting to die. They’ve both sent children to their deaths. They’ve both pushed over the lines trying to let their uniqueness carry change instead of doing the difficult legwork it actually takes.

One of them is not an active agent of genocide.

One of them is.

They both have sad feelings.

It is sad.

The important part is however badly they fucked up, the traumatized children they’re leaving behind are about to be more traumatized, and they’ve realized what a bad thing this is.

Only not really because Keith did his job, did his first job badly enough to find a new job, did that new job, and has continued doing that new job up to the point where he’s blowing himself up, and has no particular qualms about any of that since he’s pretty much been acting his conscience the whole time.

I’m lingering on this because you have both people who trained up our primary cast making a choice for the good of humanity, and dying the same way. It is a clear and obvious parallel, and it is being milked.

But it’s one of those parallels that makes me twitchy the longer I look at it. Probably because of that conscience part. These men play the same role, but besides their stages having massive differences, their choices do as well.

Magath’s conscience doesn’t stop him from shouting racist rhetoric at a preteen on a battlefield. In his introductory scene.

Shadis’ conscience, however warped some of the intent is, leads to him quitting and passing his job up to someone more qualified.

...Essentially, Shadis is kind of a bastard for a lot of things, but Magath is a fascist bastard, and continues to be a fascist bastard even when he takes steps to overthrow a fascist regime, and I know and appreciate that Magath realizes this and feels bad about it, but it’s hard not to resent the manga comparing Shadis and Magath so strongly.

Magath’s fucked up a lot. It’s good he admits it.

Shadis feels like one more person who sees death as all he has to offer the world.

In a series that actively opposes that line of thought whenever it comes up, it’s really difficult not to find the whole dynamic frustrating. Yes, the manga doesn’t say these two people are the same. They’re just in the exact same boat making the exact same decision.

Like that other group over in their boat.

Shadis is looking to die. Magath is looking to make a last stand.

I don’t think I’m doing a great job of putting into words why it’s so aggravating for me, except, you know. Fuck Marley. Also Magath helped cause all of this. Keith’s sort of sat around feeling various forms of guilt for years over things he screwed up because he was trying so hard.

Shadis forfeits his life.

Every other time someone with that mindset is ready to die, it’s met with no, you’re not done yet.

Shadis doesn’t get that. He’s done. Magath is the only one there to tell him otherwise, and Magath has his own problems.

There’s a vibe here that these two old teachers have outlived their purpose. Their kids are grown, for better and worse, and they’re the ones who will control the turn of the future. I don’t oppose them making that decision, but in Shadis’ case, it really comes off as him being cool with whatever, now that he’s made his stand.

Ugh. I don’t like it, but articulating why is probably best represented by me sulking and crossing my arms. Artistically, I get it. They’re the same piece on opposite ends of a chessboard.

But they’re different people and aaaargh.

Anyway, we continue the proud tradition of making Gabi cry.

Sorry about your life, Gabi.

In other news, we continue to not have any way to stop Eren.

Like.

At all.

We have an estimate of four days before Eren succeeds in wiping out a continent.

Their only chance of stopping that is powering up an airship, using some of that good ol’ talk-no-jutsu, or killing Eren.

If they take the route of killing Eren, all of the Colossals he’s been ordering on their walk will stop being under his command. Because he will be dead. Meaning that the continent, as well as our heroes, will now have to contend with a wild hoard of Colossal Titans out for a stroll.

Which is bad.

It’s basically where Paradis started out, but worse in every possible way.

Even if they manage to have someone on their team eat Eren, there’s a good chance that OG Ymir might not react well to her savior being axed. There’s a similarly good chance that the ability to use the Founder’s power just won’t be functional.

So if they kill Eren, they will stop having intentional destruction.

Instead, we will have unintentional destruction, of which there will be a lot.

Leaving us with talk-no-jutsu.

When the last attempt at talk-no-jutsu led to Armin punching Eren and being bad at it. And Eren punching Armin and being less bad at it.

Basically, everyone’s really hoping that by communicating with Eren, they can somehow make this all go away. There is no evidence that this will work, and no evidence that any of the added backup plans will do anything but cause different problems, but by golly, they’ve completed step .5 of their 3-step plan to maybe changing their circumstances.

(Step 1: Get Air Boat Step 2: Fly Air Boat To Eren Step 3: Talk Eren Out Of Genocide)

BOY I SURE AM HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS PUTTERING ALONG WITH THAT FORWARD PROGRESS. WHAT CHAMPS. GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU’RE STILL FUCKED.

I AM SO HAPPY THAT WE ARE SPENDING ALL THIS TIME ON A PLAN THAT DOES NOT SOLVE THE FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM OF HOW COMPLETELY FUCKED YOU ALL ARE.

IT IS NICE THAT YOU ALL FEEL LIKE YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING USEFUL THINGS TO YOUR SOCIETY. YOU DO YOU.

YOU ARE NOT ACTUALLY HELPING.

BUT MORE OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

I’m not upset, I would just really like all of this to feel meaningful. Right now there’s a ridiculous amount of stress and dead bodies going into a goal that could easily end up pointless.

There’s merit to that as a story, but none of that stress lands properly, because the tension of “will they save the day or won’t they” isn’t dependent on what they’re doing here. The ticking clock might be making the characters stressed, but it’s not where the consequences lie.

I will continue to complain about this every month because I can.

In more positive news, Connie is best boi and no one appreciates him they way that they should.

Once upon a time, Reiner bullied Annie into taking a more active role in murdering Marco.

One of the arguments he used to provoke her was that she saved Connie’s life.

Not long after that, Reiner and some other recruits find themselves stranded in Utgard Castle, where a titan gets in and goes after Connie. Reiner charges in, gets his arm chomped on, and through everyone’s combined efforts, the titan gets shoved out a window.

Annie and Reiner both make the choice to save Connie’s life, even though it does nothing to benefit them.

In this chapter, beheaded and missing their arms, Connie swoops in and saves both of them.

The first taste of this technically goes to Mikasa, because she can’t help being a hero. She doesn’t like Annie. Annie is about the only human being whose existence can make her lose her temper. When a soldier gets behind Annie, Mikasa is there to back her up. It’s done casually and smoothly, because Mikasa’s just that good.

We’re still left with multiple shots of Annie staring at Mikasa.

Later followed with her staring at Reiner.

Annie and Reiner are used to being the traitors. They’re the ones their friends have every reason to hate. They’re the ones who spend years living with the victims of a war they brought to their shores. They’ve never expected forgiveness. They’re condemned, and almost welcome it.

Their trio interplay is never great. Reiner is trying too hard, and shielding Bertolt. Annie gets stuck with the grunt work, and knows they’re the bad guys. They don’t get along. They’re comrades, and allies, but their friendship is never portrayed as anything but their last lifeline.

Reiner and Bertolt are friends.

Annie’s the only one who has her fight with the Survey Corps alone.

This time, Reiner’s there, and he’s protecting her.

If you dig into any combination of these relationships, there’s not exactly a shortage of rot. They’ve all hurt each other, and they all know it.

But at the end of the day, they’re all just a bunch of damaged kids looking to be found.

None of the surviving cast is without a shoulder to lean on. They’ve made the decision to be there for each other, and as bleak as circumstances are, Annie’s face spends so much time this chapter shouting that she’s never been able to have that.

Even Magath, who goes off with the intent of dying alone, doesn’t.

There’s still some human warmth left in the world, and that’s what they’re trying to protect.

Please just do it with an actual plan, I’m begging you guys.

Also, Floch gets shot! So that’s nice.

I do not see a corpse.

That is less nice.

Isayama also gave Falco a fucking birdsona titan.

We’re not without things to cheer.

Tune in next month for more screaming and dead bodies.

#Shingeki no Kyojin #SnK 129 #Theo Magath #Keith Shadis #the inherent fuckery of child soldiers #shingeki no spoilers #SnK spoilers #spoilers #tl;dr #chapter post

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yamlog · 3 years

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before february comes

ok so like, it is one thing to know about smth hurtful when it has just happened but it is A COMPLETELY OTHER THING ALTOGETHER to be asked about it by someone who for some reason, thought that you knew all along all these months WHEN YOU DIDN’T. and why would i? did i not say many many times that i am NOT going to keep up? i am actively avoiding, i am keeping my feed clean and free from distractions, i NEVER look at my explore page except to follow very specific hashtags. i have been PROTECTING my peace of mind and sanity with all my energy and effort for like, what, 1.5 years. for good reason. and then to be asked (borderline informed) something so PREPOSTEROUS. do you know how sick i felt when i heard? i was trying to work and it became impossible because my brain was so confused i started feeling nauseas. i had to skip dinner and immediately take action instead of letting that horrible feeling burrow deeper into my chest. i didn’t even have to see anything in person. people sent me screenshots, telling me that they will look at it on my behalf and i shouldn’t go and see. and that’s not even the worst thing. the worst thing is all the consolation messages that came from SO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE later on, coming out and confessing and saying they knew and they suspected but they didn’t want to tell me because they knew i’d be shocked and disgusted and upset and they wanted to protect me from the news because i was trying to pass practicum. and i love them for that, i really do. my friends really just do want the best for me and they are not willing to start a war or actively do anything, but they do care enough to message me in private to share their thoughts on the matter. i got so many ‘i saw her story and i was so surprised,” “it’s such a shady thing to do,” and “what is she trying to prove.” then of course there were people who were very critical of the presentation and how it seems deliberately designed to mislead. and when i clarified, it just made everyone even more confused. ‘huh, if not dating then why she post as if they were’ ‘need to tag meh’ ‘she tag for who to see’ ‘is she trying to show off got a guy wait for her to end work and take many pictures of her on their dates? and then must tag the guy so everyone can see who it is even though he’s not inside?’ ‘how come her username is like a copy of your tinycl0ud’ (lmao i wish i knew the answer to this one but at this point is anyone surprised? no.) ‘is it she want his dick’ ‘dating or not dating it’s very obvious she has interest’ etc etc

so here are MY thoughts, after having talked to practically everyone in my life about it. my thoughts reflect most of what others think. i am trying to be conscious of the fact that i’m still too emotional to really formulate my own opinion, and so of course it is easier to mirror and receive the opinions of those around me. but i think until i can finish processing, i am okay with received feelings.

number one: indignation. because Yes, why the fuck even do this? sg is so fucking big and full of other men. if you want a bf or new friends it’s so easy to find. must go after your ex-friend’s ex-partner? the rest of the sg don’t have men isit? you won’t be happy unless you get to experience that which you have always envied in me isit? you tag, knowing full well that people in MY life still follow and EVERYONE knows what he looks like and who he is. so what is the fucking intention? to show that someone finds you attractive enough to take photos of you? you know, quite a few people have pointed out to me the fact that i used to be the frequent subject of his phone camera (i am grateful but i have also thankfully moved on), and that maybe you have always envied it, and now that it’s your turn you’re revelling. ppl take picture of you like you always wanted, ok good for you, but must tag to make sure everyone knows exactly who did it? so everyone knows you hang out? or maybe date? because who else would wait for you to end your shift and buy you drinks but someone you’re romantically involved with. and you tag so everyone knows it’s a guy, and it’s THAT particular guy. gross and pathetic. which brings me to the next point.

number two: disdain and disgust. why hanker after someone’s ex?? i really don’t get it. was it because on my private twitter i said that i enjoyed myself and he treated me well, so now she has it in her head that she wants the same treatment? a normal human being doesn’t do that. in fact, i have read her tweets about how much she enjoyed having sex with the guy from tinder she had a fling with, with very lengthy descriptions of his dick size and texture, and not once did i feel the need to go and experience it for myself. because there’s this thing called girl code, on top of basic human decency. normal people DON’T hanker after their friends’ exes, even after friendship ends. MORE THAN ONE EX TOO. normal people also don’t tweet stupid shit like ‘every time julian took public transport and waited outside studio i felt so envious because ___ never did that for me, even though he had a motorcycle and could go anywhere, which makes me wonder if i’m not worth being loved.’ LIKE UM OK HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL, reading something so MANIPULATIVE AND GUILT-TRIPPY ON TWITTER DOT COM. julian wasn’t a great ex (or even a great person) but he did occasionally do nice things, and you romanticise the ONE thing to the point of comparing it with your own lacking relationship?? red flag. and then when i have another ex, you hanker after what he represents once again, which is good treatment. well idk what to say but people i date generally treat me well sometimes. and the common factor here is obviously me. so even if you date the same guys i date it doesn’t mean?? u will be treated the same way?????? just a thought. it is truly extremely pathetic to hang onto hope that this Perfect Idealised Boyfriend On A Pedestal could someday be yours if you just wait long enough. you waited 2 years for your RC ex and he still dumped you for a virginal year 1. i hate him on your behalf, and never in a million years would i consider wanting him, no matter how attractive or charismatic he is. simply because, even though i hate you, i will NOT touch your exes that I KNOW FULL WELL have hurt you.

number three: anger. i don’t hate people. not really. like i don’t think i’ve ever hated anyone enough to wish they’d die a horrible and gruesome death. but the past two days i have felt anger so big it felt like my entire chest was on fire and if i screamed it would come out like a blowtorch. i wanted to take my new ceramic knife and saw off her fingers one by one and then grate her stupid ugly nose off. that was for a moment, and the moment has passed. but i don’t think the hatred will. i can very confidently say that, at least for the next two weeks or so, i will hate her enough to risk damnation. because she IS fucking despicable. and now i guess everyone knows it too.

there was a moment when i wondered why i was so stricken. i spoke to a friend to try to figure it out. i asked her, why am i so bothered. is it because if he dates her after dumping me it means that she’s better than me and that’s what i can’t stand? or is it because he actively makes time to meet her but not me, so on some level he actually does prefer her to me? then my friend said that she doesn’t think that’s the case, and that he probably can meet her PRECISELY because he doesn’t have romantic feelings and he won’t get entangled. additionally, she also reminded me that just because one man, even my ex that i loved deeper than anyone else, chooses her over me, it doesn’t mean his opinion is god’s opinion (or even a wise/informed one) and therefore it is fallacious to jump to the conclusion that he is right and that she IS better or that she has ‘won’. i added to that and said that yes, people are not prizes to begin with anyway. and yes, one man’s judgment does not determine my worth. another friend just said, very bluntly, that his initial thought was ‘let the trash take the trash out’. im still not okay with someone i still love being called trash because like, hello my feelings, but i understand his sentiments lah.

no matter how i rationalise it, i guess it does hurt that he’d spend time with her but not once try to spend time with me. i’d make all the time, i honestly would. and i have endless reserves of care and attention and i feel like over time my capacity just increases, even with the new job and the new charges. but i also know that i never had any power in this relationship. i can’t make the first move, i can’t ask for anything, i will never call the shots because it’s imbalanced from the beginning. so if he doesn’t care to meet me but cares enough about HER to meet HER then what can i do? nothing. just accept it like a horrible itchy clothing tag giving you a rash but u can’t exactly strip down bc ur in public. maybe over time he will start to think that she is right for him, she can make him happy, she is his soulmate. she will have won, my friends’ predictions will be right, i will have been wrong about his character, and once again there will be nothing i can do.

maybe it’s better that he cares so little for me he doesn’t even want to see me at all. because i don’t think my feelings have gone away. it’s magnetic. like an orbital pull. and i know that if i get a little bit i will just want all of it. it was hard enough to pull away the last time and pretend i had to go and pretend i was fine. so if he doesn’t want me in his orbit, maybe it’s actually god’s blessing in disguise and god is trying to tell me that it’s better to be untethered in space than it is to be attached to someone who doesn’t even love me. better to be unhappy on my own than believe i’m happy with someone who doesn’t want me right???

serenity prayer: grant me the serenity to accept that which i cannot change, the courage to change that which i can, and the wisdom to tell the difference.

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