#we had....some Shit go down back in december thats going to have some Consequences | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ashleyrobyn · 3 years

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Daddy Issues

This past year, I lost the 3 most important men in my and my kids' lives. First, they lost their dad when he and I separated and he left us witg no time to financially recover. Rent was late of course and he was the provider so it was exactly what I feared when I had to rely on him with that responsibility.

The kids and I hotel-hopped and stayed with friends whenever we could. Eventually though, we were forced to move back in with my dad and brother in my childhood home where so much abuse had occurred. It was triggering to be there again, where every shadow held a flashback and there was fear before turning every corner.

I took the opportunity as a chance at exposure therapy. Being in the same place where the trauma had occurred and living there in peace would surely heal that damage. It was a chance to replace bad memories with good. A chance to redeem myself for my dad so he could see that I am worthy of love and respect for once by helping out around the house and being more involved with him. Maybe he'd enjoy having us around to watch tv and have ice cream like we used to. He would feel less alone. All these thoughts were in my head as I searched for the silver lining.

I enjoyed long days where I was alone at the house and the kids played in the yard. They tried toncatch butterflies and picked flowers. They helped rake leaves and pull weeds. They played with my brothers dog and it was therapeutic to see them so happy in a place where such darkness once lived. I enjoyed the flowers, the beautiful scenery, and all the animals who called the woods behind the house their home. I could feel real healing taking place.

And then, December 1, 2019, my 4 year old son was having a tantrum, screaming and crying in the kitchen. My dad had previously complained about noise many times, especially the sound of me yelling at the kids. So I turned to him in that moment and asked what he thinks I should do in a time like that since yelling was frowned upon. He said nothing. I ran out to my car to grab christmas movies to redirect the kicking, screaming boy but when I came back in the house 60 seconds later, all was silent except my dad's tv show. My dad came out to the kitchen as I took off my shoes, grumbling about how he couldn't stand us and then he stormed out and slammed the door behind him.

Then came a sniffle. I ran into the living room where I found Jr looking extra small, curled up in a tiny ball on the couch. I could tell he was silently crying as he faced the back of the couch with his face hidden in his hands. I went to him and asked what happened. It took some coaxing to get him to uncover his face. When he did, I saw red finger and thumb marks in his cheeks like he'd been grabbed by the face and then he told me exactly that.

I felt so terrible for letting him alone with my dad and for allowing him to be traumatized in the same house where my childhood was snuffed out . The marks on hia face remained for hours. Finally I had resolved to confront my dad.

He beat my mother for years and years. She never stood up to him out of fear. Then my eldest brother beat my sister and my father blamed her every time for causing it. Then the younger of my 2 brothers began to beat the ever living shit out of me on a regular basis as well as to threaten my life all the time and my dad had the same mentality towards that. I provoked it. I deserved it. No one stood up for me. No one saved me. They never got any consequences. We never had a chance to take back our dignity. Until now. I was gonna rise against the man in my family who has long trapped the women and children in fear.

I came out of my room into the living room, with my phone sticking out of my pocket. It recorded video of him laying there as I asked what had happened when I was outside earlier. At first he tried to omit the part where he put his hands on my boy. He said he just told him to stop and he stopped. Then i prodded for the truth and when he admitted it, I told him I know because the kid still has the marks on his face hours later. My dad apologized. I told him thats not good enough and that he was either to cosign or whatever he could to help me get into my own place asap or I was gonna call cops and report him for child abuse to go to a safe house. One way or another I was getting my kids out of there.

I got up and walked out to my car, where I called my mom and proudly told her I had vindicated her many years of abuse from him by finally standing up to him. I went back in with the phone still up to my ear. Ryan, the brother who used to abuse me, blocked me entering into the house where my kids were. He started screaming like a psycho about my mom being a whore and about me being a horrible mom and anything else he could think of. I was still on the phone. I tried to get passed him to my kids but he shoved me, causing my cup of coffee and phone to drop to the floor. Then he grabbed me as we slid around on the floor and pulled his phone out saying he was gonna call the cops. He dialed them and my dad came in from the garage where he had been cowering since he taddled to my brother about the ultimatum. My dad came in begging my brother not to call cops because he knew he did wrong. He started crying and faked a heart attack so my brother started crying too. He told the cops to come and then i took his phone and hung it up. I told him he did it to himself because now I'm gonna tell em everything when they get there. He picked me up and before he threw me we made eye contact and i spat in his face. It was my only defense because he had my arms. My right wrist got messed up from his grip. I looked him in the eye and confronted him for every fucked up thing he ever said and did. When the cops pulled up, he tried to pull me aside to tell me he wouldnt talk to the cops if i didnt. I put my hand up and walked away with the cop. I told them everything. They told me my dad, brother, and nephew had all tried to say I was abusing my kids and also that I had punched my brother in the face which I hadn't.

The cops eventually came to the conclusion that the men of my "family" were trying to manipulate the situation to deflect negative attention onto me as guys like that often do. The officer called turning point for me and we made arrangements for me and the kids to go to a domestic violence safehouse. I packed 1 bag for each of us and some toys and books for the kids then the police saw me off. My phone wasnt working to make calls or use the gps because of laying in the puddle of coffee while my brother and I scuffled. The roads were laminated in ice. I dropped the kids off at their dad's and went to my best friend's sister's house for the night where she was like the perfect security blanket.

After all that, and having to go through the experience of being in a shelter during a pandemic where i shared one room with 2 kids just because he refused to help me get into my own place, I was so resentful of my dad. I am still. He pretty much died to me that day.

I increased my time with my mom and stepdad. Seeing my dad like that made me see my mom in a whole different light. Up until that point I held a grudge against her for cheating on my dad with my and leaving him. It's almost like I didn't believe my dad used to be as bad as she said. Then, that quickly I understood and forgave her and my stepdad for going off to be together. I finally understood that he saved her from the same place where her trauma had also lived. He showed her real love and healed her. I was finally able to fully appreciate him and the way he had loved my mother. He was a bit dull at times but he remained consistent with a steady mood towards her so she could grow out of old anxieties and let her guard down. She was safe with him. And the consistency that he showed her, he showed me as well. He was at every chorus concert. Every holiday. Every major life event. I took it for granted because I was so busy trying to get my bioogical father to like me. My dad resented mike for breaking up the family and I needed to treat mike like shit basically and refuse him as a father figure of any kind in order to show loyalty to my dad. With my dad out of my life, and my no longer striving for his approval of me, I was finally able to embrace mike and my mom as my real family. After all, they had been there for more than any one else. They had helped more than anyone ever could. More than they should have. Life was hard at that point after i lost it all and was homeless with the kids. But I had them. So i was ok.

And then 6 weeks after I left my dad's house, Mike was diagnosed with cancer. Metastatic melanoma that had already progressed to stage 4, as it ate away half a dozen of his organs. My heart broke every day after that for my mother. I tried not to cry around them. To keep a positive vibe thinking maybe that could help. Knowing cortisol definitely wouldn't help so I tried not to add stress. I went food shopping for them weekly as they struggled. He was quickly unable to return to work as his body started to break down and they had issues for months trying to get his social security. When he had a craving, I would make sure to find it and bring it to him. I didn't have the balls to say thank you and im sorry and all the other stuff I had been bottling up. I didn't wanna accept that I needed to get closure and say goodbye. Thought if I held off on saying goodbye, he'd hold off on dying. So I just tried my hardest to show it. And I feel like I failed. My heart breaks for my kids because they should have had more time with him. The coronavirus made it so hard to enjoy time with him. My poor mother had to be totally isolated with him for most of it, without getting any of the support she desperately needed except what she got from me and my sister.

In 5 hours, it will be 6 months since I got the phone call that he had passed. I wish someone could just hug me. I would love to just cry on someone's shoulder... Like really ball... For a good hour or so. And just be allowed to. I have so much sadness. I don't know how to get rid of it.

His eyes were stuck open when I got there at 4. My sister and my mom and I sat there with his body. My mom had candles and his beloved lanterns lit. She played peaceful acoustic music. She played their wedding song. We took turns putting our hands on his arms. Hands. Chest. Trying to communicate we were still there in case he stil was. My mother did not alow us to cry. "He wouldn't have wanted that."

My mom told the coroner to hold off on coming for his body so we could properly mourn before he got cremated. We had 3 hours with him. My last took at him, his eyes had started to sink. I will never be the same.

Just days before he passed, the kids' dad stopped showing up for visits with them. Jr's bday was the next day and his dad didn't even call. The kids haven't seen him since.

So that's the story of how I lost all the men in my life in 1 year's time.

#fuckcancer #griefsupport #grief #loss #regret #divorce #family #trauma #healing

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lemon-sugarcoats-nothing · 3 years

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The following is part of a post i made on DA shortly before my bday- Thought i should put it here for- my friends who arent on DA, but are on here- so.. yeah- full version of this is on my 16th birthday acknowledgement deviation post description- Along with theee rest of my life before now

TW; Im- talking about my experience of suicidal thoughts, ideation and- planning. What lead up to it, and the results. What helped me out of it, and where i am now- Im okay for the time being, i dont have any plans to kill myself anymore- soo... yeah-

This year has been better than last with events, but hasnt been mental health-wise. Life somewhat teased a repeat of my last year, many- many times- but didnt. Yet. Dear god i hope it doesnt repeat- But the fear of a repeat has left me distracted from school. The first quarter went well, but the second went to shit almost immediately. i fell behind on school...really badly. I was still doing some homework, but couldnt focus on it very long. I was going through my days without really living them; going to classes, only to not pay attention, and to watch youtube all the way until bed. Maybe i'd draw some too. When december rolled around i decided i was going to get back on track during winter break. I had about...17 overdue at the time, so this wasnt an unreasonable goal. "Im going to do a few assignments a day. I have more than a week to do this, so i'll still have plenty of free time"...and then every single one of my classes assigned essays the week before winter break. Something about me is that.. i cant focus in reading something im not 1. reading for myself and 2. have no interest in. I just cant. I have to listen to it being read, or i have to find SOMETHING to motivate me. And all of these essays had a reading passage to go with them...and i- broke... The class sessions i was supposed to be working on the essays, i was having panic attacks and breakdowns instead. On top of this, i was being hit with memories of my childhood my brain had shut away- and i was having another gender identity crisis- And eventually this...lead to the suicidal thoughts. At some point they got so loud that i couldnt focus on anything else, but the thoughts- and these thoughts persisted for days until i started- thinking of a plan... at first it was just- thinking of how i would do it- just to get the thought to quiet down a little so i could finally distract myself- but distracting only goes so far... First i was only going to live out until christmas, but then i thought it'd be a waste to not live out christmas break- and i hadnt written anything to say goodbye, so i pushed the date until January 4th, so i could live the last week of my life in peace, and then die. For once in my life my procrastination actually benefited me, because when that date came, i realized i hadnt remembered to think of how to do the act, and also hadnt written anything. So... i pushed the date to the end of the semester...January 25th. I started writing to all my friends, because i couldnt think of just one letter for all of them.. i had something different to say to everyone- Then i lost the energy to write, and planned on recording an audio clip for each person, which would also save them the effort of reading- I has also written out an apology to my friend's parents, covering all my bases, and planned on recording audio for that too, so my tone couldn't be misinterpreted... It was around this point that i joined a few discord servers to help keep myself occupied, while completely neglecting my homework, and- this becomes important in a sec... The last step of planning for me was to figure out the best way to...die- I decided that- slitting my wrist- would be easiest, and would allow greater chance at survival if i changed my mind last minute, than the other options i was considering... One night, i couldnt sleep so i figured it wouldnt hurt to figure out how much pressure i'd need to apply to- do what's needed- but i didnt get very far and realized that this method wouldnt work and had to rework my plan. This was just a few nights before i met my new friends in one of the discord servers- When talking to these people, i was able to relax and- be at peace for once. And i started to feel my need to die...fading- it was still there, because i was scared of the consequences of not doing my schoolwork for so long- One of these nights, i ended up slipping off a clue to one of them that something is wrong when we were the only ones on vc- which worried him- and i cracked, and told him what's going on, lying a bit so he wouldnt worry. A few days later, my mom found out about my 27+ overdue assignments, and her reaction was WAAYYYYY more mild than i thought it'd be- which- gave me no more reason to die so the plans went to the dumpster, less than a week before they were to be carried out- She didnt make me do the assignments, she just told me to do better this semester. As soon as January 25th came, relief swept over me and for the first time in an entire month, i could fully relax... i wanted to cry from how much relief i was feeling lol the following week, i took to just take it easy, tho a lot of my teachers were starting to talk goals for this semester which- overwhelmed me a lot, because i was only just starting to think about what i wanted to do the next day- the week had a light homework schedule, so i didnt fall behind either, which is good! The week after that, aka last week, i was starting to build myself back up. Still wasnt attending all my classes, and wasnt paying attention in them, but did most of my homework. I have a few assignments to make up already, but thats okay, because im still trying to put myself back together, and i know i need to take it slow- This week, im still trying to get back on my feet but im starting to create goals now, and taking baby steps. Not thinking about goals for graduating yet, just about this quarter. This month even lol Im not going to worry about the assignments im missing just yet, but my goal is to make sure i get all my work in this quarter, even if its unfinished, or really really late. "Submitting something and getting points knocked is better than submitting nothing and getting a 0" is something my mom told me... and i want to make that my motto for this semester. Start everything, and submit everything, even if it isnt finished. Now, i still plan on apologizing to my friend's parents, but i need to fully move on from what happened in january first. I'll need to rewrite the script first too, because looking at it causes a feeling of dread and- upsetness?

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

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The Age of ‘Not Helping’

Somewhere, someone first wrote Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. We are pretty sure it wasnt Mark Twain. It may have been Abraham Lincoln. It may have been somebody misremembering a biblical proverb, or the author of a book of rhymes for children. A Minnesota newspaper attributed it to Empeco. Wizard of Oz author L. Frank Baum may have come up with it. Whoever it was, they had a point.

2016 was an exciting time for the global far right and their stateside cheerleaders. Voters in the UK opted to separate from the European Union, which some feared would perilously weaken the alliance. Marine Le Pen, a French nationalist, was mounting a serious play for her countrys presidency. In Germany, in the Netherlands, in Hungary, and in Austria, far right seemed poised to break into the mainstream.

Fast forward six months into 2017, and that storyline seems to have reached its raveled end. Le Pen was defeated by a 39-year-old ingenue. Germanys Angela Merkels post looks safer for Germany than it did at the turn of the year. And in Great Britain, conservative Prime Minister Theresa May, human cautionary tale, called a snap election in an attempt to strengthen her power as the country heads into Brexit talks. This week, that effort backfired. May is now facing a hung parliament.

Many factors have contributed to this swing to the left. One of those reasons is Donald Trumps unpopularity, and his seeming inability, for even a second, to stop reminding people how much they hate him.

For an average person, the consequences of foolish speech only serve to embarrass the fool, or the fools girlfriend. But for politically active public figures, from celebrities who dabble all the way up to the Oval Office, foolish speech is more damaging. It gives ones opponents ammunition and turns off people who could have become allies.

Public figures have always been tripping over their own proverbial dicks, but, thanks to social media and an ethos that values the act of speaking up over the contents of speech, broadcasting ones foolishness has never been more seductive. Nor has it been easier for other people to notice that idiocy, expand its reach, and demand apologies from the poor fools tasked with PR cleanup.

Lena Dunham started her career as a shining star of young filmmaking talent, but recently has made more headlines for embodying a caricature of culturally walled-off safe space millennial liberalism. The most recent headache shes caused her ideological brethren occurred in December, when she told listeners to her podcast that she hadnt had an abortion, but wished she would have. She then apologized on Instagram by saying that she was merely playing a character. During the presidential campaign, she backed Hillary Clinton and vowed to move to Canada if Trump was elected, and then did not move to Canada. Last week, she posted a photo of herself wearing a body-length blaze orange sleeping bag, which somehow is supposed to fight gun violence, or something. If she didnt already exist, conservatives would invent her.

When Kathy Griffin posted a photo of herself hoisting a fake severed Donald Trump head the other week, all she accomplished was aiding producers at Fox & Friends struggling to find news stories to chase that did not have to do with Trumps ineptitude. She gave a party without ideas a break from weaving their own ropes. Her subsequent apology and press conference about bullying Streisand Effect-ed her into the right wing news cycle and Donald Trump Jrs conspiratory-nuts Twitter timeline. Not helping.

Bill Maher, in his long career, has found himself creating grief for his supposed ideological brethren, recently saying the N-word in conversation with Senator Ben Sasse. Sean Penn annoys the piss out of some on the left. So does Susan Sarandon. Actor Matt McGorrys over-the-top feminist dude wokeness is frequent fodder for ridicule among many all-female text circles. Not Helping.

Steve Harvey is a classic Not Helper. Sarah Palin has a similar opportunism streak, often inserting herself into discussions to add nothing but another thing to make those shes trying to help look bad. Maxine Waters, as beloved as shes become by some, is viewed by others as a corrupt grandstanding opportunist, tossing irresponsible accusations before enough evidence exists to back them up. Speaking of Maxine Waters: Bill OReilly. Not helping. Ann Coulter and Piers Morgan, while quick to speak up, often seem to do so without first considering whether theyre doing good or making a mess for somebody else to clean up.

In other cases, whether or not speaking up is helping or not isnt as clear.

Hillary Clinton stepped back from public life after her electoral defeat last fall. But now shes back, and shes exactly the same as ever. Sure, some superficial elements have changed– her purple pantsuit of defeat hasnt been brought out of retirement yet–her message is the one shes been delivering for her entire career in the public eye. Never let anybody silence your voice, she told graduates of Medgar Evers College in New York City this week.

Clintons months-long return to the limelight hasnt been smooth, nor has it always been welcome. Why cant the Clintons just go away? lamented the New York Post back in April. Weeks later, New York Daily News columnist Gersh Kuntzman urged Hillary Clinton to shut the f— up and go away! Two weeks later, Boston Globe columnist Adriana Cohen asked How can we move on together if Hillary Clinton wont go away? And on Friday, Vanity Fair joined the dogpile, running a story headlined Can Hillary Clinton please go quietly into the night?

If Hillary Clinton delivers a speech alone in a forest and theres no op-ed columnists around to tell her to fuck off, is she still hurting America?

Two weeks ago, Clinton delivered the commencement address at her alma mater Wellesley College. During that speech, she sharply criticized President Trump. The Republican National Committee tried to raise funds off Clintons speech immediately. After months of bumbling, gridlock, and failure, they finally had something pure that would fire up their supporters that didnt involve them highlighting their own inability to govern. On one hand, telling a woman to shut up for no reason sounds pretty sexist. On the other, Hillary Clinton declaring that she will not sit down or shut up was the best thing that happened to Republicans that week.

At the same time Clinton was urging graduates in New York City to keep speaking up, in Washington, DC, former FBI director James Comey was speaking under oath before a Senate committee. The committee was interested in figuring out whether President Donald Trump had attempted to obstruct an FBI investigation into the ties between various agents of the Trump campaign and Russian efforts to influence the American election. Trump, it seemed, couldnt resist speaking up about Michael Flynn, about wanting certain behaviors out of an FBI director. According to Comeys testimony, each time the president spoke up to Comey about FBI business, he just made things worse.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, the man has never, not once in his 70-year-life, shut the fuck up. A recording of him bragging about sexually assaulting women in an apparent attempt to convince Billy Bush that he was a cool and good guy incinerated the career of Bush and nearly tanked his campaign. There was that Obama-was-born-in-Kenya nonsense. Then-candidate Trump congratulated himself after 49 people were murdered in a terrorist attack in Orlando a year ago. He crowed about the UKs decision to pull out of the EU, last August tweeting with characteristic bombast that They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT! After London was attacked by terrorists last weekend, President Mr. Brexit attacked Londons mayor and called for a travel ban on Twitter.

But a person can only talk so much shit before stepping in it, and Not Helper-In-Chief Trumps inability to shut up is a problem for people who get too close to him.

The Presidents twitter habit has cost him credibility, and his aides their dignity as they scramble to control a White House message thats about as streamlined as an untethered firehose on full blast. It may have forever ruined his childrens ability to function as business leaders; its tarnished his daughters image so much that she or somebody close to her has taken to planting positive stories about her in supermarket tabloids owned by Trump family allies.

Every day presents a new opportunity for Donald Trump to shut up. And every day, Donald Trump lets that opportunity pass him buy, reminding people the world over that they do not like him. To paraphrase dead #MAGA-land darling Pepe the Frog, tweeting feels good, man. But its not helping Trumps cause beyond Trumps own desire to express himself. His ego is screwing things up for people who should be his allies. Mr. Brexit indeed.

If Hillary Clinton needs to go quietly into the night to best serve her cause, Donald Trump needs to have his phone chucked into the Lincoln Memorials snail-infested reflecting pool, and be kept at least a golf course-length away from the nearest microphone.

Yesterday, during a press conference alongside Romanian President Klaus Iohannis, Trump again displayed his famous restraint, barking out that James Comey had lied during his Senate testimony and that hed testify to that effect under oath.

Somewhere, the author of that quote about proving ones foolishness by speaking up rolled over in his grave.