#went back to cross reference back in the previous episode with the bad kids' plans and the cards were actually different. go figure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

krirebr · 3 days

Text

So, I've been going back and forth about sharing this here but it's really been dominating my thoughts for the last two days, and while I've talked about it a lot with friends, I'm hoping that writing everything down will help me process things. And maybe other people, especially aspec people might be able to relate.

I mentioned on Wednesday that I'd had a really terrible evening that had really shaken and upset me. Below the cut, I want to share what happened.

TWs for references to depression, aphobia, exclusionism, and bad therapy (there's probably a better word for it but I'm not sure what it would be.)

So some of you know that I started this year with a pretty intense depressive episode. It was bad enough that I had to take a leave of absence from work and pretty much spent that whole time crying in bed. It's taken a lot of work over the last few months to get myself back to a more stable place. A big part of that work has been regularly going to therapy.

I went to therapy on and off as a kid and in college, but not at all since then. All of my previous therapeutic experience was long before I came out as aroace. There's a long, ongoing history of aspec identities being medicalized and pathologized and that's something I was very aware of while looking for a therapist this time around. But I was also really desperate for help. So I chose as wisely as I could and crossed my fingers.

I chose a queer therapist who specialized in LGBTQ issues. I told them I was aroace in my first session and while they didn't seem very familiar at all, they also didn't make me overly explain myself or want to focus on that rather than the very real and urgent issues I had come to them for, which is what I'd been most worried about.

As I continued to meet with them weekly, they would sometimes ask questions about it, and while it was pretty clear they didn't really get it, they were respectful about it and it wasn't interfering with the help I actually needed.

That brings me to my appointment this Wednesday. I didn't have anything really pressing to discuss so they asked about my plans for the week and I mentioned that I was getting my hair cut and I was excited because I've been feeling lately like my hair is really hetero (I use that word instead of straight because my hair is so, so curly 😂) and I was looking forward to having queer hair again. They stopped. "Wait," they said, "I'm confused. Why did you use that word to describe yourself?" It had never occurred to them that aspec identities would be considered part of the queer community. They, in fact, had an incredibly narrow definition of the word queer - gay, just gay. And they didn't consider asexuality or aromanticism to be orientations at all.

My memories of the following conversation are pretty jumbled, but some highlights included such chestnuts as "What if you meet the right person one day?", asserting that the A in LGBTQIA+ stands for ally, there has to be a sexual component to romantic relationships, and "everyone has to have attraction, humans are sexual beings." They also said that we should dig into my childhood going forward because they were sure there was something there that caused this. I had a pretty traumatic middle school experience (bullying and some psychosomatic stuff that stemmed from that) and they were pretty eager to blame all that for this.

I became increasingly defensive and combative as this conversation went on (which if you know me, isn't like me at all). It ended with us both feeling very bad and uncomfortable.

I think they kind of came around a little bit by the end. They seemed open to educating themselves and even sent me a link to an article they'd found after our session. And that's great, I guess? But the whole thing made me want to crawl out of my skin. I cried a lot when I got home.

I'm not exactly sure what to do from here. My initial plan was to go next week, talk through what happened, offer some context for why I had gotten so defensive, and discuss together whether this was going to be a good long-term fit. But that's feeling less and less likely the more I think about it (I haven't been able to stop thinking about it). This is just such a big part of who I am. And it's a part of myself that I like and am proud of! And I just can't imagine a situation where I would ever feel safe talking about this aspect of my life with them. And I don't really want therapy where I'm constantly having to censor myself. So do I even go to my next appointment? I really don't know.

I know there's a lot of hopelessness in the aspec community around getting mental health care and I really don't want to add to that. I don't want to believe that we can't get help for our actual issues without mental health professionals just wanting to fix things that don't actually need to be fixed. And I hope that's not the moral or ultimate outcome of this story. I've talked to my very lovely network of queer friends and several of them have already said that they'll reach out to their contacts to find some recommendations for me. I deserve to get the help that I need in a space that is actually safe. And my need isn't as urgent as I was. I can take my time now to find someone I'm fully comfortable with.

I'm not sure exactly why I shared this. I don't always get so personal on here. And some of you have already heard it (thank you for being such good friends, seriously). But it's just been festering inside of me for the past two days and I really needed to share it. Thank you for listening.

#kris gets personal #vent post #kris rambles #asexuality #tw aphobia #therapy #bad therapy

16 notes · View notes

canvaswolfdoll · 5 years

Text

CanvasWatches: 5 Centimeters per Second

Got there.

Kind of.

Makoto Shinkai has other works listed on his wikipedia page, and maybe I’ll get around to those someday, but for now, let’s sit and be satisfied I’ve watched all the important ones!

Reminder that the score is two good films, two bad films, and two average ones.

Making this a tie breaker!

Also proof that any claims that Makoto Shinkai is the new Miyazaki are unfounded and dumb.

Anyways, time for 5 Centimeters per Second!

It’s a middle of the road story. Backgrounds are beautiful as always, character are flat, and a lot of good ideas that deserve more exploration.

It fits very nicely in the Auteur arc Shinkai went through to get to actual masterpiece Your Name. It was produced after the unwatchable The Place Promised in our Early Days[1] and works off the themes of a relationship stalled by time and distance first used in Voices of a Distant Star. What it lacks is the character complexity he sorted out in Garden of Words and plot structure and humor finally inserted into Your Name.

5 Centimeters per Second is draft three is what I’m getting at.

It’s also not a singular feature, but instead three short films (OVAs? Not sure how to use that term) that share a male lead and played in order, covering four phases in his life: Middle School with recollections to Elementary in part one, High School in part two, and adulthood in part three. Each also have their own title, so let’s go in sequence.

Episode 1: Cherry Blossoms

‘5 Centimeters per Second’ refers to the rate that cherry blossom petals fall. Mystery solved! Go home everybody! We’re done.

Okay, okay, there’s more than that. Basically, our story concerns a boy named Takaki Tono who meets a girl named Akari Shinohara during elementary school. The rest of the class ships these two, but being literal children neither actually have the capabilities to provide any romantic progress, so that’s fine.

Then Akari moves away, and that’s a real bummer, but they can communicate through letters, and if there’s one thing I can credit this film for is igniting a romance for sending mail to a sweetheart.[3] It’s very charming seeing the words and doodles on a page.

However, Middle School comes around, and Takaki’s family is moving to the opposite end of the archipelago,[4] so now it’ll be even more impractical for the two to meet up.

That’s okay. Takaki can make the trip now. They can meet one final time. At Akari’s home station. At 19:00! This is practical!

Unfortunately, snow storms conspire to make Takaki about 4 plus hours late. And the wind takes his love confession letter away! And this is set in the 90s, so he doesn’t even have a fun app to kill time on the train![6]

Eventually, the train arrives, very late.

And Akari had waited.

Could this have been resolved if they met in the middle and saved some time? Yes, but that’s not important! What’s important is Akari brought a homemade meal, and she waited all that time, and the two have a kiss under a snow covered tree like two stupid kids.[7] Takaki realizes they’d likely never meet again.

Due to the bad weather, the two spend the night in a random shack, then Takaki[8] heads home in the morning.

Akari looks wistfully at a letter she’d brought herself.

It’s a fine segment. The train journey is a good concept, but I feel like it could’ve been slightly lonelier. Open with him on the train, stalled on the last stretch, Takaki reflecting on what brought him here, cutting from him sitting on the train reading Akari’s old letters to the elementary school days to him pacing the aisles of the train to him explaining to his middle school friends he’s moving away. Or something better. Something to make the audience feel the agonizing wait and desperate push to see Akari one. Last. Time.

Episode 2: Cosmonaut[9]

I like Kanae Sumida. She deserves better. I hope she gets her life figured out.

So, we jump ahead to Takaki’s final year of high school. He’s in the archery club. But this isn’t his story to tell, because the kid is not actually a compelling character. Yet he’s captured the heart of Kanae Sumida, a shy girl who’s trying to learn to surf, get the courage to confess her feelings, and plan for her future. The final year of High School is a worrying time.

So Kanae narrates the middle act.

Now this isn’t a distant pining. Kanae often returns to school after attempting to catch waves in order to ‘happen’ to head home when Takaki’s heading out himself. They ride their scooters to a convenience store, where Takaki always gets the same coffee milk drink and Kanae takes her time picking out a drink. When Kanae catches back up with her own drink, she’ll find Takaki texting... someone...

Obviously Akari, but when Takaki takes over narration duties for a short time to reveal a great truth, we learn that the boy hasn’t been sending the messages about dreams of standing with her on an alien world, because it wouldn't be a Makoto Shinkai film without a lovingly rendered night sky and space stuff. It’s also implied that the two haven’t communicated in some time.

Back to Kanae, she’s unable to fill out the future planning worksheet that’s deeply entrenched in slice-of-life anime,[10] and it contributes to her melancholy.

However, when she asks Takaki his plans, he gives a vague answer, revealing he doesn’t have a trajectory set. Kanae finds peace in this, since if the object of her affections doesn’t have things figured out, why should she?

Y’know, it’s that whole unhealthy habit of placing your crush on an unreachable pedestal thing that gets to her.

But hey, it helps. Soul lightened, and between typhoons, Kanae catches a wave. She successfully surfs! Atta girl.

Riding high, she returns to the school to wait for Takaki to finish his archery. She decides that if she can’t confess the same day she rode a wave, then she’ll never be able to.

They go to the convenience store, and Kanae buys a smaller version of Takaki’s drink of choice, because she’s building her future on the afterimage of Takaki, but isn’t fully committed. They drink, then attempt to ride the scooters, but Kanae’s not starting. Takaki offers to walk her home.

On the walk, Kanae attempts her confession.

Only to be interrupted by a rocket launch, which is going 5 kilometers a second.[11] There’s kind of a theme of hearts moving in relation to one another.

Kanae can see in Takaki’s eyes that he’s focused on something. And it’s not her and never will be.

So she abandons the confession, but feels she’ll always carry a flame for Takaki. Which, unfortunately, is what happens when you put someone on a romantic pedestal but lack the courage to confront it. Eventually you decide it’s not worth an attempt, either because you view yourself too beneath them, fear rejection, fear discovering the person isn’t the portrait you’ve composed, or a mixture.[12]

The two reach Kanae’s home, and she cried herself to sleep that night.

It’s a bittersweet story, and yet another good seed that could blossom into a fuller piece. Again, Takaki himself is bland, but if we give him personality, a subplot about an interest in aeronautics and cosmonautics and how he doesn’t even notice the world around him for the ideal girl he drifted away from, and it has potential to be a melancholic full film on its own. Or even keep it as a short film, just build the male lead.

Cosmonaut is my favorite of the three parts, though.

Episode 3: 5 Centimeters per Second

I don’t feel bad for Takaki. He deserved this ending.

Takaki is a working man now, fresh out of an unsuccessful three year relationship, wherein the woman broke up over text, saying that in all their time together, their hearts had, at best, moved a mere one centimeter closer, because might as well complete the trilogy with the analysis.

His hang-ups on Akari still lingering thirteen years after she moved away during elementary school, and a long term relationship ended because of it, and a depression setting in, Takaki quits his job. Then he just kinda floats about, stops at a convenience store, looks at a magazine article about the rocket launched back in the second act, which is leaving the solar system. What a distance it’s managed to cover, and Takaki’s still got no solid plans nine years since it left the atmosphere.

Takaki and Akari share a narration about a dream of their childhood promise to watch the cherry blossoms someday.

Then the two suddenly cross paths walking over some train tracks. Was that? Could it be? They turn to double check. A train passes, cutting them off.

Then there’s a musical interlude, because it’s a Makoto Shinkai film and you’ve got to have a random AMV just before the conclusion.

We see scenes from the rest of the movie cut together! Takaki and Akari as children! Train ride! Kanae catching a wave! (I hope she’s moved on. Met a nice guy. Forgot the stagnant mess that is Takaki) Takaki’s dull, meaningless life!

Then the train passes.

Akari’s gone. Because of course. They haven’t talked in over a decade, and even if she found that undelivered letter from Act One it doesn’t mean she has to linger. She’s apparently engaged now, and Takaki is a dumb kid from when she was a dumb kid waiting at a train station five hours after the two agreed to meet.

Because nothing waits. The earth turns, the waves crash, rockets leaving the soolar system, and Cherry Blossoms fall at 5 centimeters per second.

So just move on.

Takaki, seeing his last hope of reclaiming the past vanish behind a passing train, smiles and walks off. Did he learn anything? Who cares, he’s unflavored frozen yogurt. Cold and devoid of sweetness.[13]

Takaki refused to live in the present or look to the future, and what do we have? A nothing.

Takaki’s dull.

This act isn’t even a good seed. It’s the conclusion to a narrative I don’t care about. I can’t even offer any advice on it that isn’t ‘cut it, expand one of the previous episodes.”

The Film

It’s fine. It’s an okay movie. Critically lauded, so if you feel like watching it, you won’t feel cheated. But I wouldn’t put it on a list of must watches. It’s not hilariously bad, it’s not specifically boring, it’s not particularly deep, and it’s not Your Name.

It’s the middle of the Shinkai scale of quality. Don’t avoid it, don’t pursue it.

If 5 Centimeters per Second was a person, it’d be Takaki Tono. Defined by the females its features, and not giving the proper due to Kanae.

Thanks for reading. If you like this analysis on an anime film, check out my other reviews (including other Makoto Shinkai films), my webcomic about a living muffin, and maybe support my patreon. I’ve got a Digimon review series that’ll be living there until I finish the first season at least. The show had an effect on me.

Until the snow clears and the train brings my next work,

Kataal kataal.

[1] Do you know how hard it is to get me to quit a movie? I’ll wait for a conclusion. Heck, I sat through 2001: A Space Odyssey![2] You need a whole lot of nothing to bore me off a paltry 90 minute journey. [2] The movie will have its day eventually, I promise. [3] Not that I have a sweetheart. Or the address of any distant friends. Or stamps. [4] Which is fun to say. Say it with me. Arch-i-pel-a-go.[5] We should find excuses to say it more. [5] What’re you, 6? This is a written essay! No one’s talking along with you! I bet you feel real silly. [6] And it doesn’t seem he brought a book. Must’ve been a boring trip. [7] Fun fact! Not only am I pessimistic about any young love (IE, starting in middle or high school), I actively root against them. Because I’m a monster. [8] I’m just now noticing how similar these names are to two Digidestined. Huh. [9] Back in the fourth grade, we did a class play about the California Gold Rush. I was stuck into three songs in a row. The middle one was called Argonauts. I liked it, but not the other two, which I scarcely recall now. It didn’t occur to me that I could simply refuse to perform the other two songs. I also didn’t like my long term sub at the time. Anyways, that’s what I think about whenever I hear the ‘-naut’ suffix. [10] I don’t know how true to life such worksheets are. It’s possibly as accurate as Sailor Fukus in High School. [11] As some who completed a Couch to 5k, that’s official fast. [12] Suffice it to say, there’s a reason Kanae appeals to me. [13] I keep meaning to get frozen yogurt. There’s a place theoretically within walking distance. But then I have to remember to go there.

#CanvasWatches #5 centimeters per second #makoto shinkai #anime #CanvasReviews

0 notes