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lovestillaround · 5 years

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Thoughts about Phil’s last video (Draw My Life: Part 2)

So, it’s been two days and I still have trouble processing all the information from Phil’s newest video - that’s why I’m writing my thoughts down, hoping that it will give me more inner peace. Disclaimer: following text includes critique of the video, so if you’re sensitive to that kind of stuff/ not in the mood for hearing my negative opinions, please proceed with caution or stop reading. Love ya <3

So, Phil starts the video saying that he’s aware that we know what’s been mostly going on in his life during the last six years and that he’s gonna share with us all the behind the scenes facts. And that on itself is fine, but oh boy, nothing would prepare me for the amount of negativity that I was going to endure (and no, I’m not talking about the subjects of death and illness). I said it to my friend and I still stand by that opinion - the video was for me more like “20 minutes of complaining about/listing every bad thing that happened in my life” than actual “draw my life”. And well, obviously Phil has the right to reflect on his life in whatever way he wants, but as I was watching the video, I couldn’t help getting more and more frustrated with his lack of awareness, especially regarding the massive privilege that he has and has always had. (Also, I’m not trying to call him out for being rich and being able to afford things that I can’t afford - that’s not at all what this is about, it’s about the attitude and the way he chose to speak about those things).

While I do think that the video was full of lovely and cute moments, I’m going to focus mainly on what I found annoying or upsetting, just to keep it (relatively) short. So, I was talking about how in my opinion the video was filled with negativity. You might ask - where is it, Daria? Or more importantly - why is it bad? The response to the video is (at least from what I saw) overwhelmingly positive. Well, I’ll try to explain how I see it.

The video literally starts with Phil saying that London was (is?) 5x more expensive than Manchester, and that if their career in London didn’t work out, they would have had to move back to their parents. I have enough compassion to understand that it must have been hard for them to feel insecure about their finances (I know this feeling damn too well) - but I also think that people should, idk, be generally aware that their actions have consequences? They took a risk, and it was hard to live in uncertainty - I get that - but people having to live with their parents is a reality for so many people! So many young people don’t even get a chance to start an independent life, for various reasons. And I’m not saying that he doesn’t have the right to talk about his struggles - just for me, in the light of the rest of the video that is played on a similar note, it becomes clear that Phil isn’t aware of how much luck he’s had in life and how he has already started his life from a much better position than - can I say that? - probably the majority of people. So for me, what lacks in the video is, idk, maybe just one instance where he acknowledges his privilege? Or just generally him using a different language while talking about his experience, choosing his words more carefully, but I’ll get to that later.

The negativity continues when Phil talks about how he could not work out how to operate the radio control panel, how it was a bad decision to say yes to everything (although I admit, this one is just Phil acknowledging sth that he has learned over the years, which isn’t really negative but let’s still keep it on the list of bad things), anxiety, lack of sleep, stress, juggling responsibilities, people that they used to work with getting more from dnp than dnp did from them, dnp doing things out of obligation, not being able to fully create things how they wanted to, people being cynical about youtubers doing projects/not understanding youtube and media’s negative reactions, loads of office work, risking all their life savings to go on tour, heteronormativity of the interviewers, lots of work related to creating gaming channel videos, overworking themselves during gamingmas, frustration with people not realising how much work happens behind the scenes, people cancelling projects, losing money because of Manila.

On the other hand, the positives that Phil talked about were getting job at the radio, getting 1 million subs, interviewing people being a cool thing, everything about his relationship with family was very positive, getting a new team of people to work with and dropping some responsibilities like the radio show, success of the books and tours and games they created, creative freedom, positive relationship with his audience, improvement of the press over the years and people in traditional businesses becoming aware of what youtube is, creating and expanding irl merch, having fun on tour.

Then comes the moment when I got genuinely quite confused, aka the moment when Phil talks about not having a life. Like.... really? He has every right to feel what he feels but honestly, not that many people would count themselves lucky enough to be in a long term relationship, having a loving family, four friends that want to hang out with them, going out to dinner dates and cinemas on the regular, regularly going on vacations, being able to take private yoga or boxing lessons etc.

When I heard him saying “and I didn’t do any normal stuff people do, like getting a house or a dog”, that’s the point when I’ve lost all my hope. Like, I’m sorry Phil, but are you really gonna complain about not having time to get a house because of the life choices that you’ve made? Just… think about it. I’m not an expert on the standard of life in the UK but I personally can think of exactly zero people that I know who bought a house in their 20s. And I have to say, it’s upsetting that he seems to be so detached from what is the reality for many many people.

Sharing personal stuff on the internet requires courage and I don’t want to be the one who takes all this knowledge and uses it against him. But I’m genuinely upset with the way he handled things this time. As I was watching the video for the first time, at the end of it all I could think was - wow, you’re really that entitled, aren’t you?

And it makes me sad, because I see two possible reasons for him being like that:

a) He is not in the best place mentally, so that he can only really focus rn on the negative aspects of his life, regretting his past choices, being disappointed in how his personal life looks like. This could be supported the fact that for basically any major thing that happened in his life he decided to share with us and elaborate mostly the negative details attached to it, rarely the positive ones (see the list of positive and negative things that I included above).

b) He is completely unaware of what’s the average threshold for a “good quality life”, and he’s not aware of his own privilege.

To elaborate a bit more on the point b): one could see Phil’s video as maybe a reminder that everything comes with a prize and that even though a youtuber’s life might seem super easy, there’s still a lot of stress and work involved that we just don’t see. But… I’ve been aware of that. Nobody’s life is one-dimensional, and everyone has struggles. And of course they have to edit their videos and do the business stuff. But when Phil says how he sometimes wishes people were aware of his personal struggles, I can only think that this is the reality for many many people, not only celebrities on the internet. Idk, maybe I just wasn’t the target of this whole segment in the first place, but for me it sounds borderline patronising, and again, entitled, because as I mentioned, everyone has their own struggles.

But for me, Phil doesn’t seem to be aware that he was only able to make some of the life choices that he’s made because he already had a good start in life in the first place. He’s always had a safety net in form of his parents, so he could make a choice of risking everything and moving to London for example. And yes, coming back home and asking his parents for money could have been embarrassing for him and emotionally hard, but so many people could not take such risk, or any risk, in general! Because they have families that they need to take care of. Because they have not enough money to move to an expensive city, no matter the circumstances. Because they have no one left who would help them financially if something went wrong. And so many other reasons!

On one hand, I can empathise with his frustration. I know how it is to work my ass off just to be able to go to uni, while many people that I know get money from their parents, go to a couple of lectures and then party/do nothing really. And then having other people thinking that everything is easy for me because idk I’ve always had good grades so according to them I don’t need to work as hard. Is it frustrating? Yeah. It’s hard to be misunderstood, or having your work belittled. But I would never blame other people for not being aware of how much work comes with the lifestyle that I’ve chosen. And I’m aware that dnp were working their asses off to create good things for us, but also, obviously, they were hoping to make financial profit out of it. It might sound awful but they did not have to do most of those things. In many instances, they totally did not have to overwork themselves, because it was not like they were making money to survive, they were making money just to make more money, basically. Nothing evil in wanting to make money but honestly Phil, most people work super hard, and they don’t get millions for it. While I do acknowledge that they’ve been working hard, and that a part of their audience might have not been aware of that, I think that complaining about that seems quite… inconsiderate? Complaining about the lack of private life seems inconsiderate too, especially because most people aren’t privileged enough to just decide to put their work aside and focus on their private life whenever they want. Many people I know are overworking themselves too, simply because they don’t have another choice.

So, I’m quite upset. I don’t know what my point is. It seems to me like in that video Phil comes from a place of deep frustration, and well, I’m frustrated too. Fair game, I guess?

I want them to have a good life. I want them to do whatever the hell they need to do in order to be happy, I want them to get a goddamn dog and a house. But I also hope they’ll continue to grow, and that maybe next time Phil will be more considerate, and more careful with words.

#amazingphil #phil lester #dnp #phan #ramble

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upwardeath · 6 years

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answer 11 questions, tag people and ask 11 questions (tagged by @lsfp @cognitionis-amor @venusian-prince @kishka) thanks dudes. I’m combing the first two sets of questions I was tagged in, and I gotta jet so can’t do them all rn

lsfp/cognition-amor questions:

1. What’s your favorite music genre/movie genre/book genre and why?

I guess alternative would be my favorite, I enjoy finding obscure or independent artists, I can spend hours on Spotify if I’m not careful. Movies, well I go for anything that combines drama and psychological. But I enjoy sci-fi and rom com as well, I’m a romantic. And yeah I get into all the typical Ni shit. I like classic lit a lot and apocalyptic/post apocalyptic/sci-fi books most.

2. Where do you see yourself five years from now? Ten years from now?

Funny you should ask, bc I’m currently very undecided about my future, I’m leaving the education field and leaning toward psychology, but I’m also considering a graphic design/advertising strategy role. But I’m fighting strong ‘fuck it’ inclinations atm. SO, 5 years from now, I hope to be settled somewhere that challenges me and also satisfies my passions. 10 years, happy and in control of that bitch, anger.

3. What’s a quality you always admire in others and never get tired of?

The ability to truly forgive, bc fuck if I could ever figure out how. Also, the ability to be vulnerable, because while I can be with a select few, it still kills me, but in the name of being authentic, I value it and want to get better at it.

4. What in the world/universe/human mind just ABSOLUTELY fascinates you?

How spirituality intersects with psychology. How physiology intersects with psychology/mental health. All psychology, how the brain works, neuroscience, sports strategy, relationships, love. Existentialism, anything ‘dark’ and mysterious. The idea of absolute truth.

5. Have you ever been proven wrong about a person’s character for the better?

Fuck yeah. There have been many times I was rubbed wrong by God knows whatever hunch I had at first. I find that no matter how good my magicalTM Ni/Se abilities are uwu (I’ll clarify right here bc I’ve been known to be misunderstood on this, but I’m very sarcastic and ironical when I say things like this), tert Fi can be a bitch when looping as it can be susceptible to using Te to support it’s schemes with Ni. And sometimes it can’t be trusted, but the more self-aware I become, the more obvious it becomes when this is happening, when I’m falsely basing my hunch on some shit-sensitive feeling I had. LOL. I’ve experienced the enemies to friends trope a couple of times actually. And I love it.

6. How do your favorite aesthetics make you feel and why? What aesthetic do you find rly ugly?

Connected to some deeper understanding and satisfied, because they put my inner world into something tangible. Ugly? LOL. Anything but my own uwu. Kidding, ummm, colors that clash, like I can’t explain it. I may have inf Se, but I think I have a decent eye. Shrug.

7. Would you kill someone?

Only in defense of others, and in a heartbeat if needed.

8. Who would you die for?

People I love, I think, but uh maybe not idk.

9. What method of suicide would you prefer? (Even if you aren't suicidal, please don't kill yourself cause i asked this oh my God). If someone killed you how would you probably get killed?

Gun to the head. If someone else killed me, I’d probably die because I didn’t back down to a threat of some sort. Likely some chaotic good scenario. I mean I do some crazy shit, but sp keeps me in check most of the time.

10. Is there hope for humanity?

Yes. But I hope I die before it ever comes time to test this theory. Like apocalyptic shit. But I hope God saves us from whatever fate we have in store. Actually, I hope I’m alive to save humanity tbh. Yeah I’m stupid I know.

11. On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad was the worst pain you ever felt?

I have a high pain tolerance so the scale is skewed imo. I guess that time I had my gut knifed open by... jk. Lol. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time remembering. As into extreme sports as I am, I surprisingly haven’t had too many injuries other than bruises and some broken bones which weren’t very painful. I’m very prepared for stuff like that and don’t put myself in situations I don’t think I can handle, and thanks to genetics I’m pretty good at that stuff. I think nagging pain is worse tbh, I’d rather get shit over with. So maybe tooth pain? Cause you feel it in your head and it makes you want to rip them out. I’ll give it a 7.

Venusian-prince questions:

1. do you believe in romantic soulmates, if so, multiple or just one?

Yeah, just one, and i also think your soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic.

2. thoughts on religion? do you practice anything?

Raised Christian, currently having an existential crisis, so no fucking clue what I believe, but i do know what i don’t believe.

3. believe in magic?

No, but the concept is cool.

4. describe your absolute perfect / idealized partner

Someone nicer than me and better at dealing with their emotions. But not in denial or devoid of them. xstp tbh. An edgy nerd. Someone who will do Se shit with me and also talk about interesting stuff. Someone who doesn’t poopoo my big emotions and crazy mind but also calls me out on shit. Someone hot.

5. what is a little quirk/nuance about you, that not a lot of people know?

Idk I’m tall. 5’11” to be exact. Yes I played basketball in college. I seem very serious, but I’m actually quite playful and I love to laugh, only with certain people of course.

6. what is the perfect weather for you, and why do you like it that way?

65 degrees. Dry. I sweat easily and I don’t love hot. Humidity sucks.

7. first thing you think about when you wake up? last thing you think about when you go to bed? (be honest!!!!)

I need to pee and i wish i could sleep longer. Sex and i hate myself.

8. name something about yourself you highly value & appreciate

My advice-giving abilities, my passion.

9. have any regrets? if so, why?

I regret hurting some loved ones with my anger. Ugh. Why, bc my anger/pain is no excuse.

10. how do you deal with your negative emotions?

Drink them away when disintegrating/gripping. I punch the hell out of my punching bag, workout. Drive/walk around at all hours of the night brooding. Writing. Drawing. EMDR therapy. Talk therapy. Talking with this one person. Or I just don’t deal.

11. have you ever been obsessive / addicted to anything?

Chapstick, salsa, I’m probably addicted to coffee. I obsess over trying new beer/whiskey. I wax the hair off my arms obsessively.

My questions (I’m yoinking some from others):

1. Names you find beautiful?

2. What’s a song that embodies you as a person best?

3. Do you have any weird/out-there theories? What are they if I may ask?

4. Do you have a favorite enneagram/mbti type?

5. What’s the thing that annoys you most?

6. Where would you live if you could choose one place in the world?

7. What are your hobbies?

8. What are your religious beliefs, if any?

9. Do you like pizza? Yes or no?

10. Do you have any vices and what are they?

11. What’s something random you were thinking about today?

not gonna tag anyone cause I think most have been tagged already

#about me #long post

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