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swallowerofdharma · 27 days

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Yashiro’s Cruel God part one

Disclaimer: this post contains a detailed and straightforward analysis of chapter 25. Doumeki isn’t the villain, if you were worried about that. Actually I must apologize because I wanted to talk about him too, but as usual I started this meta with Yashiro and got carried away. This is also why I am dividing it in parts to avoid having a very very long post. So other parts will hopefully follow to fully elaborate the premise I made. Thank you for understanding. And please take care of your wellbeing, if mentioning Yashiro’s stepfather upset you, maybe skip this one.

Premise: not a matter of perfection but of balance

This person I followed reblogged the Declarations of healthy adulthood by David Richo in big big font and - having only one thought on my mind apparently - I read all that text in Yashiro’s POV. I actually don’t think that this is a perfect model or anything, and I am generally skeptical of self help books (I only assume this is something like it), but why not use this as an example, while considering something that I find interesting about Yashiro and Doumeki? During the discussion about the latest chapter, I said something along the lines of Doumeki representing young love, while Yashiro’s approach has been more mature, and I meant it thinking about Yashiro being aware and cautious about hurting others [and being intentional when he does, since he put a bullet in Doumeki’s leg] and being quite self reliant, and yes I know that he is also afraid of being hurt/loved! in previous posts here, I have mentioned that Yashiro’s acceptance of his past is only-in-part denial or downplaying of trauma, because it has been also a strategy and an impressive sign of his maturity and determination to live in the present. Isn’t it exceptional that Yashiro doesn’t seem all that resentful of his parents? That he openly says that he doesn’t blame others? We have to confront his words always mindful of the fact that he usually is an unreliable narrator, but in many instances he says the truth or half truths and his demeanor confirmed that he did some of what David Richo proposes: I accept full responsibility for the shape my life has taken; I accept that I may never feel I am receiving - or have received - all the attention I seek; One by one, I drop every expectation of people and things; I let go of blame, regret, vengeance, and the infantile desire to punish those who hurt or reject me; No one can or needs to bail me out. I am not entitled to be taken care of by anyone or anything, I let go of control without losing control.

I thought that it was very interesting to consider the Yashiro/Doumeki dynamics from different angles, like older/younger, or even realist/romantic, for example. The point of this experiment isn’t to make a comparison of merit nor to talk about a character in better light than another. Maybe those differences need to be confronted or balanced: for example the realist maybe needs some of the romantic’s idealism to soar and not be stuck on the ground. Yoneda-san might be onto something so human and amazing here. An important clarification is due before saying anything else. As characters that are written as full human beings, with their complexity and contradictions, Yashiro and Doumeki can’t be put neatly into the opposite categories I proposed. The story is much more dynamic, so I ask you to take a further step and put those opposites at the ends of a spectrum and to move our characters freely in both directions. Yashiro tends toward being effectively the older and more realistic one but he has traits that make him move down towards the other end too, even to the extreme of being childish. Consider for example these other statements, from the Declarations of healthy adulthood: I need never fear my own truth, powers, fantasies wishes, thoughts, sexuality, dreams, or ghosts; When change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it; I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me; If people knew me as I really am, they would love me for being human like them. These points clearly demonstrate Yashiro’s unresolved problems, where he is stuck if you want, and why probably nobody believed me when I pointed at him as being mature (eh, he has his moments tho, you can’t deny that).

I challenge everyone to consider that those four points in particular are quite challenging for most people in general, but particularly so for someone who has fear/betrayal as the foundational principle in their childhood instead of a normal amount even a scarse amount of parental love/safety. And I want to underline childhood here, not teenage years or later.

I need never fear my own truth, powers, fantasies wishes, thoughts, sexuality, dreams, or ghosts. Yashiro here is a mix of contradictions, because he outwardly seems to own those things, even making them a point of his persona, but most of those things are based on the lies he told himself, or his stepfather told him: see this other point

I am still safe when I cease following the rules my parents (or others) set for me. Isn’t this statement extremely helpful to understand Yashiro’s situation? To feel safe he had to build his personality according to the rules of the one who had all the power over him and had already taken away any sense of security from him. This is probably one of those things that can be hard to understand when you have never been there. Most notably, not only in the manga this has been pointed out, but it has been pointed out by Yashiro himself. He is self conscious of this, he knows that he lied to himself as a child, that he had to, and he is constantly choosing to continue lying because that is still the only foundation he has. There was no familial love, no other relative safety. Letting go of the lies actually means going to pieces and breaking down.

This isn’t different from what happens to people who are tortured. Yashiro’s father completely took away any sense of security and safety. The aggravating circumstances were that Yashiro as a child didn’t have any other point of reference or knowledge to understand what was happening with his body and in that state of mind what his father told him had to be the only truth possible. Parents who abuse their children most often don’t even realize what they are doing to its full extent. That’s the immense cruelty of these types of situations. The rules are lies, but the lies are rules to follow to be safe:

You like it when it hurts, right? If it doesn’t hurt, I can’t get into it.

What happened in chapter 25: why now?

Yashiro didn’t want to have sex with Doumeki and said so repeatedly. Doumeki has grown on him, behind liking his physical appearance or using him as a substitute for Kageyama: Yashiro truly liked this person and he liked that Doumeki was impotent. Thanks to that, Yashiro grew comfortable around Doumeki and with comfort and safety comes familiarity. When Yashiro discovered that the impotence was gone, he was angry and terrified. They had become too close and now the premise has changed and Yashiro couldn’t trust Doumeki or himself anymore. I won’t analyze here the scene in the shower but I’ll skip to the point. Doumeki only understood that his love was required, that he was wanted and stopped thinking. He acted passionately like any young person who had a normal foundation in love would. He didn’t understand anything that Yashiro asked or why there were mixed signals and what it all meant. He pushed and hurt and broke without being aware of what he was doing.

And Yashiro was trapped in a situation he had tried to escape from his all life: with a person who felt familiar, a person he loved and relied on, in the safety of a home, who wanted sex and was going to do what he wanted regardless of what Yashiro had to say. Yashiro desperately tried to control what was happening through usual patterns, making it hurt, asking Doumeki to do from behind, detaching the sex from his emotions, but he couldn’t and for the first time in his life sex was different from what he knew, because while Yashiro had loved his stepfather, his father didn’t love him and he didn’t treat him like Doumeki did. And every lies built around his father’s abuse came to the surface. Including the fact that his father never loved him. Doumeki broke him indeed because he broke through the lies/rules upon which Yashiro had intentionally built his entire personality/safety. And he wasn’t ready for it, he specifically said he didn’t want it, he had known all along, he already knew when men before Doumeki tried to make love to him and when he built a strategy to specifically avoid being confronted with those lies/rules. He didn’t love those men. He did love Doumeki though. But once again Yashiro didn’t have a choice. And he was physically hurt and recovering after being shot and knowing his life was in danger outside of that room. He had just discovered that Doumeki lied about being impotent the previous time he touched him in the car and before that. It was probably the worst timing possible for making love. At some point Yashiro grew resigned and even reciprocated a little, reaching for Doumeki, caressing his face, and he even reassured him before he fell asleep. There were words that Doumeki said that Yoneda didn’t disclose fully, choosing instead to immediately took us in the flashback with Yashiro. I think it is probable that what Doumeki said was something that Yashiro’s father had said and that we are going to confront before the end of the manga. I personally want to know these words more than what Yashiro said while an airplane passed by and Doumeki was unconscious. Morbid maybe on my part.

I have stated that I am not going to make Doumeki a villain here. The point of this analysis is just to see where Doumeki was in terms of maturity. To be continued…

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #saezuru analysis #yashiro #doumeki chikara #yashiro x doumeki #yoneda kou #eri reads saezuru

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crayonkant · 7 months

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Saezuru Chapter Titles

Well, my archival obsession with the chapter covers continues. Here are all titles to date as of October 2023.

Legend, based on the illustration:

Yashiro - italics Doumeki - bold font Yashiro and Doumeki - blue font

[1] Defiant, or twisted, there's nothing else to do... but continue living.

[2] Unconsciously, love is born.

[3] Sentimental, irritating, suffocating.

[4] Quietly, secretly... passionately.

[5] Just staying by your side...

[6] So close, yet our hearts are afar.

[7] There are things I want to tell you, but I have no words to convey them...

[8] You don't know how important someone is to you until you're about to loose them...

[9] It's so cold, it gives people a lancinating kind of pain, yet, there is an unspeakable sense of comfort. (note: unusual color cover with Misumi and Yashiro's naked legs)

[10] Back then, when he was still a nobody...

[11] Those unseen wounds, hurting little by little.

[12] Something is about to change...

[13] Downtrodden, life continues -

[14] The past... begins to stir - (note: unusual color cover with a bird's pov and tiny unrecognizable figures)

[15] (no text)

[16] I want to protect... I want to be protected... this contradiction is - (note: unusual cover with story panel of Hirata on the ground and speech bubbles. One bubble could be read as continuation of the title : "[this contradiction is - ] ... pretty dangerous".)

[17] I don't want to vanish from your gaze. (note: unusual cover with story panel and speech bubbles. D: "You could say I'm no match for the force of this person." Y: "I don't want to vanish from your gaze".)

[18] Everyone goes on living with the weight of the past on their shoulders. (note: unusual Nanahara? cover)

[19] Even the smallest things can alter fate.

[20] Someone's hatred towards someone Someone's feelings towards someone - (note: unusual car chase cover)

[21] no cover

[22] The time for everything to change has come -

[23] Even though all I want is to love him it will only hurt him...

[24] I can't allow myself to be touched by those hands

[25] What is this The way this is Is not the way that I know (note: crazy double page cover that will get its own post)

[26] nothing

[27] When it's too late I always think... "Why..?"

[28] A past that can never be erased Memories that won't be forgotten

[29] The feelings that ensnare and the feelings that are real... In the end, will they be revealed as love, or...

[30] Little by little... Things start to go crazy.

[31] So many thoughts, So much anticipation, All blending together...

[32] There's something I've always wanted to know.

[33] I've never needed Anyone Or any thing

[34] nothing

[35] Endings and beginnings Beginnings and endings (note: could also be read "Beginnings and endings Endings and beginnings")

[36] nothing

[37] 4 years have passed... and time flew by in parallel lines

[38] Living under the same sky

[39] Finally, things are moving

[40] There is something in the memory that can't be erased.

[41] I never planned on meeting him again

[42] Feelings are aching

[43] Things that changed Things that haven't And some things that cannot be changed.

[44] Yashiro and Doumeki's On equal footing New relationship Begins! (note: strangest title, so different in style than all others)

[45] After being separated for 4 years, The thing Doumeki saw was...

[46] I thought I fully understood that guy...

[47] What is it you desire?

[48] Pretending as if nothing happened

[49] Even if our positions changed, The feelings are...

[50] Wanting to destroy everything (note: unusual cover, portrait of Yashiro with only Doumeki's gloved hand in the picture...)

[51] I didn't know. Was this what I wished for? (note: unusual cover showing only legs, assuming it's the both of them)

[52] nothing

[53] What I really wished for was...

[54] For us both, There are things we don't know

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #saezuru analysis #yashiro #doumeki #yoneda kou #saezuru chapter covers #trying too hard to find patterns

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