#yt really wants me to suffer huh

[onigiriico]

Muu audio drama (t2) - English TL

[ links: Spotify / YT Music ]

Behold, the longest voice drama I’ve ever posted. This thing is almost 2.3k words long. I am in pain /lh

As always, feel free to head to my ask box or my Twitter (now actually with open DMs lmao) for any questions, potential mistranslations, etc.!

Also,, Trigger warning (aside from. well. the usual Milgram things): Towards the end, they discuss another character’s threat of suicide. It’s nothing super graphic, but there sure are... opinions on it, so please proceed with caution if that’s a touchy topic for you!

⬇️ translation under the cut ⬇️

(door opens)

M: Ah, it’s been a while, Warden-san. – Things have gotten tough, haven’t they… Everyone seems to be struggling and the whole atmosphere feels tense because everyone’s struggling, it’s really troublesome.

E: Is that so?

M: But as for me, I think Milgram has become a lot more comfortable! I know now that I can get whatever I want if I ask for it, so I don’t need to be so on edge anymore.

E: …

M: You did say that you and Milgram are our allies, and maybe you were right all along!

E: …

M: Aww, it’s boring if it’s just me talking! We’re talking to each other for the first time in a while, so you tell me about something interesting too, Warden-san~

E: You’re in pretty high spirits.

M: Am I?

E: I feel like you’ve brightened up.

M: Maybe…

E: But following the judgment after your first trial, the situation in Milgram has changed. And in the aftermath, Kotoko has attacked people too… From how I remember you, I would have expected you to feel uneasier than this.

M: Huh? But that has nothing to do with me.

E: What?

M: The ones who are suffering are the ones who have done bad things, right? You know, like, what goes around comes around.

E: …

M: Besides, Kotoko hurt and was mean to the people who didn’t get forgiven by you, right?

E: …Yeah.

M: Wouldn’t it be weird for me to have any thoughts on that, then? After all, I didn’t do anything wrong. You forgave me!

E: …

M: Eh? Is something wrong? Those who didn’t get forgiven by you must be bad people, if you ask me! I believe in you, Warden-san, so I’d hope you feel happy!

E: …Thanks for that.

M: See, you said you forgave me and that’s part of your job, so it’s probably right! Come on, come on, have some confidence!

E: … Speaking of which, you seem to be pretty close to Haruka.

M: …? Yeah! He’s the one I get along with best in Milgram!

E: Do you have some kind of goal with that?

M: Huh? E: Haruka’s loyalty towards you is one thing, but with this kind of relationship, I think it’s only natural to wonder if you’re using him for something.

M: Ehh… Warden-san, do you not have any friends?

E: Huh?

M: Are there any?

E: None that I could think of.

M: Wow, poor thing,.. I’ll teach you! Friends aren’t like that, you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we’re comfortable around each other. That’s all.

E: Well, I’m sorry about that.

M: Haruka-kun is really nice! He accepts anything I say, he listens to anything I tell him. For me, that’s really comfortable.

E: And that’s… “friendship”?

M: What do you mean? Of course we’re friends! Haruka-kun is happy with it, so it only has benefits for both of us!

E: I, as someone who has no friends, can’t judge, of course, but isn’t that just exploitation?

M: Exploitation…? Um, I don’t really understand, but… I do help him pick out clothes [in return], and I recently gave him a hairpin I didn’t need anymore as a hand-me-down!

E: …

M: We also have in common that we’re both people who were forgiven by you, Warden-san, so I don’t think it’s a relationship that anyone could have a problem with! E: … I already said this to Haruka, but Milgram consists of three trials, and I have only forgiven you this once. I think it’s too early to feel completely safe.

M: Eh~ You already decided to forgive me. I think it’d be uncool to be like, “Oh, actually, nevermind” now.

E: This is just how it is.

M: It’s fine already, isn’t it? You saw me, didn’t you? And from that, you decided that I haven’t done anything wrong, didn’t you?

E: Yeah, that’s right. For the first trial, that is.

M: It’s the same no matter how many times we do this. I’m me, after all. That won’t change.

E: If I keep looking from now on, will I come across something that puts you in a less positive light?

M: Eh?

E: Milgram reveals the truth through videos and music. After deciding whether to forgive you or not in the first trial, I’ll continue to dig deeper, searching for the truth inside your hearts once again.

M: …

E: For example: Things that you hid. Things that you forgot about. Things that weren’t visible through the rest of your strong feelings. Those are things that I’ll be shedding light on.

M: Hmm…

E: Or at least it might be.

M: …I don’t get it, but whatever. I haven’t done anything wrong, after all.

E: Is that so? It’s true that I’ve forgiven you once… but I remember feeling uneasy about it the whole time. Was it really right to forgive you? Aren’t you still hiding something? Things like that.

M: …Why… would you think stuff like that? That’s mean, Warden-san… You saw me, didn’t you? All the awful things that were done to me, that I couldn’t have escaped from without killing someone! I can’t believe you’re saying this to me, after I’ve gone through all of that… Warden-san, you’re mean.

E: Maybe I am. Your pain and suffering has certainly reached me. Or should I call it bullying? One-sided violence and mistreatment… I’m sure it was difficult to handle. It’s not unreasonable to come to the conclusion that murder is the only way for a weak person to get out of that. That’s exactly why I forgave you.

M: Yeah… If I hadn’t done that, I could have died some day.

E: But – are you actually that weak, Muu?

M: Huh?

E: That’s the source of my unease. Are you really that weak? Were you really getting picked on for being a weakling?

M: What do you mean?

E: How did it come to that in the first place? What was the cause? That’s what I don’t know. You could say it was conveniently omitted.

M: …

E: Even you yourself refuse to go there. Is it a topic that you don’t want to touch upon?

M: … Warden-san, I think you’re really doing something bad. Isn’t it a bad thing to act like there has to be something wrong with someone for them to get bullied?

E: Oh?

M: No matter the circumstances, it’s always the bullies who are in the wrong! Isn’t that obvious? Warden-san, you’re so smart, but you don’t even know things like that? Maybe you should take some lessons on morals or something.

E: …

M: Besides, even if I’ve done something wrong, there’s nothing that could justify bullying someone. Warden-san, I thought you were a nicer person.

E: So sorry that I’m not living up to your expectations.

M: If you’re reflecting on it, I’m willing to forgive you, though…

E: Could I ask the generous Muu to spoil me by letting me ask one more question, then?

M: What is it? If it’s a boring question, I don’t wanna.

E: Let’s say you’ve done nothing wrong—

M: Not “let’s say”! I have done nothing wrong!

E: Got it, got it. So, even though you’ve done nothing wrong – you got bullied. Why do you think that is?

M: I don’t know that! I mean, my family is rich, and my appearance stands out [in a good way], too… they probably did it out of envy or prejudice or something, right?

E: Right, right. And here I was with the theory that you were originally in the opposite position…

M: (slams her hands down)

E: …!

M: What are you saying…?

E: Just that it could also be speculated that you bullied someone and the tables turned on you.

M: Do you know what an awful thing you’re saying right now?

E: What are you getting this angry for? You’ve done nothing wrong, right?

M: Warden-san… I hate you.

E: This is just speculation. Don’t get so mad.

M: …

E: So what? Can you not give me an answer?

M: I haven’t bullied anyone. I’d never do such a mean thing! I’ve never hit anyone or poured water over anyone’s head. I wouldn’t do something like that! I’m not lying! I’m not telling you lies! I really haven’t done anything!

E: I see. I’ll take note of that.

M: … Um… um, by the way, Warden-san! I don’t know about this, but…

E: What?

M: You forgave me because I just gave my bullies their payback, right?

E: …Well… I guess so.

M: What was it called again… Revenge… Revenge? That means revenge can be [an acceptable motivator], right? And if you don’t forgive me this time, that’d mean that it’s not. If we leave aside the thing you said earlier about me maybe having bullied someone before – not that I actually did that, of course!

E: Sure.

M: So if I paid back what my bullies did to me, that would be revenge, right? And if you feel like I had no other choice than that, then don’t you have to forgive me?

E: … Uh… I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say…

M: You see, if you think that me bullying someone back after being bullied is the natural course of events, then wouldn’t it be bad to bully me back again in return?

E: …

M: But if you were like, “I won’t forgive you, Muu! Revenge is bad!,” then wouldn’t that imply that it’s also bad for me to bully someone back after they bullied me? Since we’ve all done something bad anyway, doesn’t that mean that I’ve not done anything wrong in the end?

E: …I think I’m kinda… starting to get your point… maybe…

M: … Warden-san, are you maybe not that intelligent, after all…?

E: Well, sorry about that.

M: Well, I guess it’s to be expected. You talk to a rabbit, after all. (giggles) Either way, you’ve understood that I haven’t done anything wrong, so it’s okay!

E: I sure have understood that talking to you isn’t getting me anywhere. But I guess since you made this explanation, I’ll take it into consideration.

M: Ah, but if you don’t forgive me, Haruka-kun will die, so I think it’d be best to not do that.

E: …!

(bell rings, machinery whirrs)

E: So you’ve heard about that nonsense too?

M: Yeah. Haruka-kun told me. So I could rest easy, according to him. That made me happy… It made me really feel our friendship!

E: You know about it and you’re not trying to stop him? Haruka, that is?

M: Why would I? Haruka-kun says he wants to do it, so there’s nothing I can do, right?

E: But you’re calling him your friend.

M: Isn’t it exactly because he’s my friend? Isn’t friendship about letting your friends do the things they want? … Are you about to tell me “that’s not what friendship is”? Then what is friendship? You’re together because it’s beneficial for everyone involved, aren’t you?

E: I don’t think Haruka is benefitting from that at all.

M: No way… It’s not like you could know what’s good for him.

E: …You sure are tough to beat.

M: I really don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Warden-san. It’s Haruka-kun’s personal freedom to decide what he wants to do, and I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s not like I’ve asked him to do it!

E: I see. That’s how it is, huh. You don’t say anything; just because you’re present, your surroundings’ wishes change to benefit you— Oh, so that’s it. Like a born queen. No, it’s like you’re influencing your surroundings not with words, but with pheromones… Just like a queen bee.

M: Pheromones…? I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I don’t like that lewd-sounding stuff…

E: That’s not the nuance I was talking about.

M: Either way, there’s people who deserve to be unforgiven more than I do, so I think you should focus your efforts on them instead. Like, Kotoko-san has done something bad, for example. Ah, but what she did was approved by you, wasn’t it?

E: …You’re making my blood boil.

M: Anyway… I think you would do good to forgive me. Then Haruka-kun will be safe too. Ah, actually, couldn’t you just forgive everyone? Then Kotoko-san won’t run amok, and you won’t have to think about all the difficult stuff.

E: That is… a very attractive proposal.

M: Right? (giggles)

E: Abandoning all the thinking… How nice it would be if I could just do that.

M: … If you ask me, I don’t really get why you don’t do it…

E: Because this is the role I’m playing.

M: But the role was given to you, wasn’t it? You didn’t end up doing this because you wanted to, right? It’s not a dream you’ve had for a long time or anything, right, Warden-san? So there’s no need to let it tie you down. Couldn’t you just quit?

E: What are you…

M: Warden-san, we call you “Warden” because that’s what you are, right? I was assigned to be a prisoner, but that doesn’t mean my heart will become just that of a “prisoner” too. After all, I’m still me.

E: …!

M: Warden-san, are you okay? Are you feeling sick again?

E: (heavy breathing)

M: That’s because you keep thinking too much about difficult things. Just stop. Being the Warden, that is.

E: … Just— shut up, already! Prisoner no.4, Muu! Sing your sins!

#milgram #milgram music videos #muu kusunoki #milgram muu #milgram es #translation #fan translation #audio drama #the links might not work for the americans yet if you're here early bc it only comes out at midnight but. y'know #this sure is. yeah. (deep breath) yeah. #please forgive me if I messed up on the revenge-related mental gymnastics lmao my brain is not big enough for this

[gay-and-n3on]

heyy uh idk if this is a little tmi but anyway LIke 2 years ago i was tested for autism, it was supposed to be two parts and part one was like describing people in photos, what they were doing, what there expressions ment, ect then i was read to and had to recite sentences. but uh, the lady testing me couldn't get the second part of the test because someone lost the key to the room it was in, so i only ever did that first half? and i was supposed to have a full meeting w/ her and my dad to go over the results but we just, didn't? and all that was sent was an email that said that i was totally normal and theres nothing to worry about dont worry about it ur totes fine (btw i live in Australia if that matters)

Two years later and ive been hesitant to really say much about it for fear of being labeled as like “o em g i have autism and its so cutesy fun and i also have 20 other mental illnesses” but more than once ive had multiple friends be like “huh r u sure your not autistic? and googling symptoms it seems like i have more than a couple symptoms, im also afab, um could someone point me in the directions of some resources i could perhaps take a look at? im not really sure what to do, ive made an appointment with a doctor for next week, but im just not sure what to do with myself in the mean time? am i over reacting with the test thing? whenever i bring it up with my parents they sort of glaze over it and say that im fine, im not sure i have austisim as i really really dont want to self diagnose, and ive also had friends tell me that I might have ocd? I am constantly suffer from executive dysfunction to a point were im failing my classes, i also get sensory overload frequently and extreme audio sensitivity. I also have compulsions to say words, like saying things i see and repeating words (eg, saying worm every time i see a worm, or repeatedly saying the word worm aloud after seeing one) and also feeling the need to touch things to specific parts of my body, usually something smooth/ oddly textured to the center of my hand. i also have a poor social filter, i will say things that i ment kindly as compliments of neutral statements but will then make people upset and i normally wont understand why until the tell me (Eg, saying I love your eyebags, or you smell like a stick insect! or your nails are so pretty and long, they would be perfect for picking up baby snails  ((these unfortunately are things ive actually said to randoms at school and i will never live down)) and also,,,,,,,, god im rambling thanks for still reading, i also tic and stim, i frequently experience premoitory urges to touch parts of my skin, crack or move my neck and flinch. i frequently flap my hands. oh and i also have lots of urges to eat things that are not edible eg, paper, rubbers, wood, metal wires, dirt, rocks, plastic, ect ect. ALSO i regularly end up making rules for myself in my head, like “you cant eat the chocolate until you have finished this video” or “you cant go to the bathroom until you find and watch and like a yt short” and i also tend to think to do things in a specific order, like i will chop the vegetables then clean the pot im going to put them in, then ill get nervous and upset when someone cleans the pot for me before i chop all the vegetables. ok um this got off track fast, uh anyways if anyone can link some stuff i would like that please and thank you

#autisim #mental illness #undiagnosed mental illness

[peanutbuttermandms]

Chapter 11: I'm Tired

Check out my gaming profile @warekimioaisu

A/N: I'm not proud of this chapter but anyways i just listened to a mix on yt called "slowly losing hope on humanity's freedom; armin's playlist" by tsukeiji. i love Armin so much i just wanna give him a hug and a kith cuz he needs it (╯︵╰,)

Word Count: 1282

My Masterlist

Zeke Masterlist

Chapter 10: The Wings of Freedom <- -> Chapter 12: Distorted Physique

"No one's going to give me a hand here? Please stop glaring at each other." Hange complained as they stirred the stew in the pot.

You were sat around a campfire again but you were surrounded by a lot more comrades this time. Using the word "comrades" lightly. You and what was left of the Survey Corps teamed up with the Marleyan soldiers and warriors. You didn't exactly consider them to be your comrades.

"Huh," Magath began, "Sharing a meal with people whom we have killed and who have killed us so horribly. That's interesting. Why did you change your mind? If you just left Eren Yeager alone, you lot would see the world you wished for become a reality, right? A paradise for the island devils. We were this close to preventing Eren and Zeke from coming into contact with each other. If you hadn't interfered, that is."

"It is, as I explained, Mister General. We do not wish for mass murder. If we did, we wouldn't have run and hidden inside a forest to make some stew." Hange tried reassuring Magath.

"In other words, you're telling me you developed a sense of justice." Magath said.

"Justice, you say?" Jean butted in, "Did you just talk about justice, right now? You of all people?"

Jean balled up his fists before pointing an accusatory finger at Magath.

"We lived under the threat of Titans you kept sending after us but we're the bad guys?! You hear that?! The reason why we fought desperately is that we didn't want to die devoured by Titans! Are you trying to say that was us acting like devils, you old fuck?!"

"Yeah... you look like devils, alright. The theories about the threat Paradis posed turned out to be true and the world is now about to be destroyed. This is the result you guys fighting to the death led to. Am I wrong?"

"Hold on... To begin with, if the walls hadn't been broken down and his Mom hadn't been eaten right in front of him, Eren would've never done this! Are you sure you aren't the ones who chased after the rumbling?!"

"Hey, are we talking about history, now? You understand that Eldia's the one who made Marley suffer and trampled over them first, don't you?"

You tried to interrupt their argument, "Hey, guys! You're making everyone unco-"

"How long are you going to keep playing the victim for something that dates back to two thousand years ago?!" Jean continued to yell despite your efforts to stop him.

"It really feels like I'm talking to a brat," Magath said, "You think that silly nonsense is worth anything in the face of two thousand years of real, actual history?"

"What'd you say?!"

"Aah... Let's stop this," Hange said, successfully silencing them, "This talk about two-thousand-year-old quarrels that none of us saw with our own eyes is just dull. Jean, Mister General is obviously bewildered by our existence. We're strange devils who are willing to even give up on their paradise to rescue the people of the world that tried to eradicate them. We spent several months in the outside world. We can't go back to being ignorant devils, anymore."

Jean turned his back to them as Magath had finally grown silent.

"Well then," Annie said suddenly, "Are you prepared to kill him?"

"Eh?" Armin said, sounding confused.

"Are you able to kill Eren?"

You and your remaining friends looked at each other with solemn faces that soon turned somewhat melancholy.

Killing Eren. The boy that you've seen grow and change for years is now on a trek to exterminate nearly all of humanity. It sounded... absurd.

"Killing Eren isn't the only way to stop him." Mikasa said.

"I thought you'd say that. But... what would that be?" Annie asked, "Are you going to talk to him or something? Would someone who'd change their mind because of that commit genocide?"

"We don't know that unless we try talking to Eren." Armin said.

"Then, assuming we can have a conversation with him, what will we do if he doesn't stop the genocide? Should we try not to think about the final option as much as possible?"

Everyone looked away from Annie, at a loss for words. No one could think of an answer.

"I knew it. If we, who have a hometown in Marley, try to kill Eren, you're going to end up fighting us to protect Eren, surely," Annie paused before looking to Mikasa, "That's it after all, isn't it, Mikasa? Because you probably have never thought of anything being more important than Eren."

"In other words, are you saying you have to kill me?" Mikasa said, pulling out the handgrips of her 3DM Gear.

Without hesitation, Annie positioned her thumb over the sharp object on her ring to shift into her Titan form.

"W-Wait-" You said, in shock.

"Eeh?!" Hange said, their voice slightly raised.

"Leonhart!" Magath shouted.

Everyone became tense until Annie raised a hand and her expression softened, changing into one of worry.

"I understand your feelings well. Me too. I have one reason to want to stop Eren. I don't want my Father in Marley to be killed. That's why I'm helping you. If we can stop Eren by talking to him, that's fine. If nothing else, we don't have any reason to fight until then."

Mikasa thought about it for a short while before she acquiesced in Annie's decision, putting her handgrips away with a quiet "Got it." before turning away.

"And you." Magath said, pointing to you.

"Come on! The stew's ready! Let's eat!"

"Me?" You asked, pointing to yourself.

"You had plenty of chances to stop Zeke from coming into contact with Eren. You had plenty of chances to kill him. But you didn't. You're partly to blame for the rumbling."

Your whole body went rigid for a second before you sighed, instantly feeling exhausted from the arguing you've had to hear tonight. You didn't want to hear anymore.

"I'm tired. Please, not now-"

"No, I wanna know. You let him get away. Why did you let him get away? Is it b-"

"BECAUSE-!" You suddenly shouted as you got up from your spot on the ground. You didn't mean to burst out in anger so you tried reeling yourself back in. But the tears forming at your eyes prevented you from doing so.

"Because..." Your voice started to break and become shaky, "Shit! because I thought Levi was dead! I wasn't thinking about anything but my husband being dead! Killing Zeke was the least of my fucking worries at the moment!"

"That isn't an excuse as to why you weren't able to kill him."

"What more do you expect from me?! Did you expect me to just magically get over it and just kill without a second thought?!"

"No. But I do expect you to prioritize humanity before yourself. You're a soldier, it's what you're supposed to do."

"Ugh…" you groaned weakly, feeling defeated, "You're right."

You slowly sat back down, bringing your knees up to your chest and resting your chin on your knees.

"Wait, Y/N, you can't just give up that quickly!" Jean told you, his voice starting to raise a bit, "Stand up to him! Show this asshole that you aren't the weak soldier that he thinks you are!"

"Jean," Hange said calmly, lecturing Jean yet again, "Y/N's problems are Y/N's problems, not yours."

Jean begrudgingly sat back down with a huff.

You were just ready to get this over with. You were ready to confront Zeke. You would never admit it but you wanted to see him again.

END - 3/14/21, 3/15/21, 3/16/21, 3/17/21, 3/18/21, 3/19/21

A/N: i just wanna wring magath's neck

#Attack on Titan #Attack on Titan x Reader #AOT #aot x reader #Zeke Yeager #Zeke Yeager x reader #Zeke Jeager #Zeke Jeager x reader #Zeke #Zeke x reader #Levi Ackerman #Levi Ackermann #Levi #Levi Ackerman x reader #Levi Ackermann x reader #Levi x reader

[cuntess-carmilla]

Being chronically ill has made me really disgusted or just bitter regarding the body positive movement, EVEN when it's not imbeciles whose body positivity is "everyone is fuckable :D" only.

Like, ok, I don't like how I look from the neck down too much and I'd like some subtle changes on my face, sure, but even if I looked exactly like I want to and were to never visually age, I'd STILL hate my body.

I don't hate my body because I find it ugly, even though I've been There a lot of my life too to the extreme of suicidality over my appearance alone. I hate my body because my body hated ME first, continues to make me miserable, and won't ever stop making me miserable until the day I leave it behind.

And you want me to love it? Fuck, you want to tell me to love it by appealing to me through "accepting" how my body is in its natural form?

It's so obvious body abled people see human bodies as living aesthetics, whether they want to abolish the socio-political implications of that or not. My body in its "natural state" doesn't just LOOK one way or another.

My body in its natural state, which CANNOT BE CHANGED OR IMPROVED since it's a genetic, permanent, cureless illness, AND WILL ONLY GET WORSE, is nothing but pain, pain, pain. Even if I'm yet again ignoring my pain because if I think about it too much I start wanting to die, and that day I feel I look like the goth goddess I've always wanted to be.

You want me to love this disaster of an objectively defective body? That was BORN defective? That's disabled in a way that I'm pretty sure the majority of people who have this can't derive any "pride" from the way I can perfectly be proud of my autism? I want it fixed! I do want my body to be fixed! Call me an eugenics apologist or whatever, I don't give a shit. I WANT MY DEFECTIVE BODY FIXED.

At most we find some affection for our bodies in the sense of caring for them because our bodies are in pain, the same way one takes care of a sick loved one, but that's fucking it. It ruins so many lives. I cannot, will not, I REFUSE to take pride on the torture I've been put through that I never chose.

And you know what? The chronically ill people who, sincerely, bless their beautiful hearts, have managed to love their bodies in the way I described, will be the FIRST to validate and defend the rest of us who do loathe our bodies against people who try to coerce us into performing "positivity" because our "negativity" makes their self-centered abled asses uncomfortable.

It's not just because those other ill people know how difficult it is to love a broken body that can't and won't ever be fixed, but because, even if they do love their own bodies, they don't love their bodies BECAUSE of their illness, but DESPITE their illness, which is not at all how at least I relate to my autism.

This illness hasn't made me strong uwu or resilient uwu or a better person uwu. It's just ruined my fucking life, wasted away my youth, and made me miss out on so many things. It LITERALLY makes me weaker.

Body abled people complain about the solitude of quarantine, the way it's so easy to go insane from the isolation, the boredom, the lack of activity, and from feeling like a prisoner of their own homes. Guess what! That's just how life is for too many chronically ill people, pandemic or no pandemic! It's actually really hard for me to have seen hordes of abled people whine about that without rolling my eyes. Oh, what a tragedy that'll last you tops a couple of years.

My life hasn't changed. I've always been locked down in my room unless it's absolutely necessary for me to leave the house, WHICH I DREAD, not because I wouldn't love to have a life outside these tight 4 walls, but because I know that once I come home, even the few times a year I go out to do something I like, I'll be DESTROYED. I don't know how I ever made it through college.

I've always been on lockdown cracking my brain trying to find ways to entertain myself with whatever the fuck I can make up. Now you guys realize how much creativity that takes, huh? After years of asking us "But what do you even DO at home?" Ah, don't get me started on how it is those days when I'm still so depressingly, suicide-inducingly bored, but I'm also so fatigued I can't even get up to pee, let alone watch TV or YT videos. I have to make up TV shows in my mind in silence as I lay in bed alone and still.

If you ever ask me online to be "proud" not of my achievements themselves, but of all the silent, invisible, delegitimized pain I battled against to get them, that nobody believed me about?

If you're lucky that my chronic fatigue is acting up too much then you'll get blocked immediately and I'll vent post about abled people's stupidity. If I have the energy, you're gonna get told in detail how to eat my whole shit. In the unlikely case that it's offline, I'm just gonna punch you and yes it'll be worth at least a week of my own hand being a skin-bag of tangled bones lol.

Bitch, even the tiny "body neutrality" movement focuses on fucking aesthetics. It's "all bodies should be neutral" which I'd agree with! IF BODIES WEREN'T MORE THAN JUST APPEARANCE. My body isn't "neutral" no matter how it looks, my body is literally my enemy.

My body is a prison I can only escape if I jump from a tall building and OH BOY have I thought about doing that many, many times, crying silently and still in bed, regardless of how well my life is going in EVERY other aspect.

You can just fucking TELL when abled people have never in their lives thought about what existing in a disabled body feels like. They know we exist, but they've never been at least curious of what our bodies feel like. If the disability is INVISIBLE since it's NOT AESTHETICALLY DIFFERENT and they think about bodies as aesthetics (which affects my visibly disabled comrades too and NOT in a good way because disabled people CAN'T WIN) then they don't even think of us as having any real hardships. They LOVE to forget we're suffering.

Fuck you bitches.

[clarz-cc-archive]

answered April 14, 2020

Q: Its me again lol that anon who started this whole fandom discussion. I think we live in complete different timezones lol. Anyways u got me thinking a lot. And u know, ive come to realize when I’ve first joined fandom i think i believed literally everything. The good , the bad. I still remember being 1 month into fandom , and coming across this video (it was this yt channel that analysis all k-celebs weight loss / assuming some have eating d*sorders etc) and there was a video on j**in , and being the guidable person that i was I was convinced he suffered from some type of b*limia or an*rexa. Eventually i realized thatS not the case, i cant blindly believe a video a person put together based on photos. Ever since then i stopped watching these types of videos, or any videos that r like b** or k news where u have fans putting out their opinions and stuff. But yeah i think being in fandom is a learning experience too lol. (in response to)

A: god, this is so real and so tough! i remember when i first got into bts i would see ppl online say with their entire lungs that seokjin has ehlers danlos syndrome, as if this was a CONFIRMED FACT, just bc he has hyperflexible joints and his fingers are crooked, when like, EDS is a really serious disease and i would be surprised if anyone who had it could sustain the amount of professional dancing that they all do without a lot of pain and hospitalizations. NOT TO MENTION that jin has LITERALLY never said anything about having it 😂 people CAN just have flexible joints. it's really a curse of fandom and also of the internet, that people make assumptions and then don't make it clear that those are assumptions and not facts, and other people see them, assume they're facts in turn, and spread them around, and so on and so forth, and no one ever checks their sources! nuance gets lost so fast and it can really become an echo chamber.

i feel lucky for my job, bc my training as a scientist was ALL about not trusting what you read and looking for multiple sources for things, so it's something that i do instinctively at this point. i think it can probably make me a pain in the ass to be friends with though, lol, bc my friends will come to me with some scrap of info they're super excited about and my first reaction will be "huh that seems weird to me, hold on i'm gonna do some googling" or like "idk i'm gonna wait until we have a clearer picture before i jump to a conclusion" when i'm SURE they just want someone to scream with them instead of being a drip 😂 i can't help it!!! i like to be sure 🤷‍♀️

i think it's really smart that you recognized on your own that some stuff fandom puts together can be misleading and took steps to remove yourself from those sources of information! it's really a persistent problem of being a person on the internet, and a lot of people never learn how to take those steps tbh

#bangtan #fandom culture