the-halcyon-gays

[the-halcyon-gays]

what do you do when your friend who was a little bit drunk last night kept telling you how pretty you are and how much she likes looking at your face and then saying she was confused and for the last year she’s been saying she’s confused about her sexuality and she was being kind of flirty with you and you kind of maybe have a little crush on her but she has a boyfriend and also she was drunk so maybe she didn’t know what she was saying but the next morning you casually brought it up and she remembered saying those things and seemed a little embarrassed and you’re just really confused and you don’t know if you even like her like that. what then. what do you do

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online diary #online journals #sapphic #lesbian

[the-halcyon-gays]

january 10, 2023

hey. so. uh. it’s been awhile. a lot has happened in the last year. i got into college. i’m on antidepressants. my sea monkeys died. i got a job. i’ve done a lot of self reflection.

i don’t think i know how to form relationships normally. i’ve never had a normal friendship. i like my friends, but my relationships with them aren’t how other people’s relationships with their friends are. i’m not really sure how to describe it.

there’s a girl i kind of want to be friends with, but i really don’t know how. she recently left the popular group, and she seems happier now but kind of alone. i feel like we’re kind of similar. but i have no idea how to even approach her. like i said, i don’t know how to make friends normally.

i’m learning greek again. hooray!

i should be asleep right now.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online diary #online journals

[the-halcyon-gays]

tuesday, january 25, 2022

mood:

content

song in my head:

viva la vida - coldplay

looking forward to:

working on my graphic novel project

dreading:

having to work on my essay

today’s thoughts:

i haven’t decided if i want to do swim team for my school yet. i don’t think i’ll enjoy it as much as i do club swim, but i kind of feel like i should. i don’t know.

i’m working on making graphic novel-style drawings that go with the lyrics of viva la vida in graphic arts class. i think i’m going to do three sets of panels in the colors of the french flag.

my parents and i finished watching survivor: david vs goliath today. i had already seen it, but it was fun to watch it with them. nick is fantastic.

some of the topics that were covered in ap latin today were college a capella groups, the eagles’ song desperado, and trump saying he wanted to buy greenland a few years ago. will i be prepared for the ap exam? unclear. i don’t really care that much. i love this class.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

monday, january 24, 2022

mood:

tired

song in my head:

beggin’ - måneskin

looking forward to:

finishing my english essay

dreading:

my next ap latin test

today’s thoughts:

the song they play during the credits of survivor finale episodes is quite literally the most beautiful piece of music to have ever graced planet earth. i would like to formally request it to be played at my funeral.

it’s so annoying that my school is grades 7-12. i do not want to be in the same building as middle schoolers.

the feeling i get when i see someone i used to be friends with is so strange. like how can i feel nothing when i see you completely ignore me when three years ago i trusted you with my life?? i don’t miss you but i miss the way i felt when i was with you. i hope you’re happy but i never want to talk to you again after the way you hurt me but i’m not really mad anymore. idk.

i should work on my essay more. goodnight.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online diary #online journals

[the-halcyon-gays]

sunday, january 23, 2022

mood:

happy

song in my head:

something from the dead man’s chest soundtrack; can’t remember what it’s called

looking forward to:

watching the series of unfortunate events netflix show

dreading:

waking up early tomorrow

today’s thoughts:

i was very productive today. i did all my homework and my laundry.

maybe i’m just easily impressed, but the way david handler makes his books seem so effortlessly random despite being obviously very thoughtfully designed is brilliant. i have not ceased to be amazed.

one of the names caesar mentions in de bello gallico is “fabius,” of which the ablative form is “fabio,” which never fails to make me laugh.

one of my sea monkeys is definitely pregnant. her egg sack is orange. i’m very proud.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online journals #online diary #sea monkeys

[the-halcyon-gays]

saturday, january 22, 2022

mood:

content

song in my head:

how to save a life - the fray

looking forward to:

reading

dreading:

the monotony of school

today’s thoughts:

i went for a walk today. when i was crossing the street, a car stopped to let me cross, but instead of waving to let me know i could go, he just pointed at me. i felt very validated. i will think about that interaction for the rest of my life.

my family and i went to our friends’ house for a birthday celebration. we ended up watching videos from when we were little. it was weird how much had stayed the same.

i made vegan & gluten free chocolate donuts for the party. they were exceedingly mediocre.

i have decided to review everywhere i visit on google. not sure why. just seems like the right thing to do.

i now have a queue of several books to read. feeling overwhelmed and excited.

i think one of my sea monkeys is pregnant.

here’s a picture i took with my papershoot camera:

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #sea monkeys #papershoot

[the-halcyon-gays]

thursday, january 20, 2022

mood:

tired

song in my head:

treasure - bruno mars

looking forward to:

weekend

dreading:

the inevitability of ap test season

today’s thoughts:

i got within like 10 feet of a raven that was just chilling on a picnic table at school.

i found out my weighted gpa is over 4.0 after last semester which is exciting! after getting a c in chem last year i didn’t think i would be able to get it back up.

the vice principal sent out another c. joybell c. quote for the quote of the day in the staff email, and my latin teacher read it to us. i’m not sure i can really explain our relationship with c. joybell c., but if you google her name you can find some very questionable inspirational quotes. enjoy.

i started playing wordle. it’s very fun. 10/10 would recommend.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal entry #journal #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #wordle #c joybell c

[the-halcyon-gays]

wednesday, january 19, 2022

mood:

content

song in my head:

someone new - hozier

looking forward to:

the next time i eat toast

dreading:

the next time i get on an airplane

today’s thoughts:

while looking for colleges to visit in seattle, i came upon seattle pacific university, and was excited to see that they offer visual communications as a major. i looked at their list of notable alumni on wikipedia just for funzies, and saw none other than jeff probst, host of survivor. it was only after going to their website and seeing the words “spreading the gospel of jesus christ” that i realized i had missed the fact that they are a christian institution. so that’s a no from me.

i took one of those quizzes that tells you what characters you’re most like. i hadn’t heard of most of them, but from the ones i recognized, i am apparently similar to ben wyatt, george michael bluth, and klaus baudelaire.

i kinda understand vectors now. so i have that going for me, which is nice.

biology is such a waste of time. probably half the classes i’ve had have been free/work periods. i wish i just had a second study hall. i would probably learn more that way.

literally any time of the day or night is a good time to eat toast if you’re not a little bitch about it.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

tuesday, january 18, 2022

mood:

happy!

song in my head:

nice to know you - incubus

looking forward to:

idk life i guess

dreading:

nothing right now. probably soon

today’s thoughts:

i got like an hour less sleep than usual last night, but for some reason i had way more energy than i normally do. it was nice.

the intro & thesis for my research paper was due today, and i spent all of 10 minutes on it before school. my teacher said it was the best one she’d gotten all day. this is why i procrastinate so much. i need to backfire so i can finally learn.

i started reading a breaking dawn fanfic from edward’s pov but it ended up being smut so i stopped.

i didn’t have any homework to do today, which was nice.

i haven’t felt like i can’t breathe for more than a few minutes since sunday. not to be hopeful for the future but maybe it’s going away finally??

i might be a little bit in love again. i don’t want to be. it hurts too much.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

monday, january 17, 2022

mood:

fired up

song in my head:

how to save a life - the fray

looking forward to:

enjoying existence

dreading:

waking up early tomorrow

today’s thoughts:

maybe i’m being stupid but i feel like things are about to get better. like really soon. not sure why.

i’m staying up a half hour later than i’d like, and i didn’t even finish my english homework for tomorrow, but i feel foolishly confident that i can do it tomorrow morning.

i wrote an unintentionally emotional birthday card for my friend who lives across the country today. i’m not usually a person who talks about my feelings with words, but it felt right at the time. i’m sure i’ll regret it tomorrow.

i’m feeling unusually close friendship-wise with a girl on my swim team. maybe i’m allowed to have friends. maybe i’m allowed to be close to people. idk. i’ve never really done this before.

i feel weird today. weirdly happy, considering i’m closing in on a week of having an inexplicable anxiety attack and i haven’t finished the work i need to do. i guess i’ll just enjoy it while it lasts.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

sunday, january 16, 2022

mood:

procrastinaty

song in my head:

we are young - fun.

looking forward to:

sleep (i need to stop writing these right before i go to bed aksjakdjs they’re all the same)

dreading:

getting behind in school

today’s thoughts:

didn’t even start any of the things i wanted to do today. at least i have tomorrow.

i watched the movie for your consideration. it’s one of those canadian mockumentaries from the 90s/2000s that all have the same cast (eugene levy, catherine oheira, parker posey, christopher guest, jennifer coolidge, etc) and they’re so comforting. i don’t think this one is quite as good as best in show or mascots, but it’s still pretty good.

i’ve said it before, i’ll say it again—lemony snicket is the greatest literary genius of our time. i want a vfd tattoo.

i went for a short walk and got very thirsty. of everything that’s changed in the past 18 months, feeling constantly parched despite drinking a gallon of water a day certainly isn’t what i would have chosen to stay the same.

i think my fatal flaw is the ratio of “things i think about” to “things i do” is heavily weighted towards the former.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

saturday, january 15, 2022

mood:

annoyed

song in my head:

my heart is buried in venice - ricky montgomery

looking forward to:

the future

dreading:

the future

today’s thoughts:

i think i may have found my calling. remind me to learn about coupon fraud once i’ve studied enough computer science to be able to run an illegal business without getting caught.

if victimless crime doesn’t end up working out for me, i think i could be a novelist. living vicariously through my own fictional characters would be almost as good as actually doing the things i want to do.

my ability to breathe has been coming and going. i think i’ve come to terms with the fact that i’m always just going to feel suffocated sometimes, with little to no reason behind it.

i wouldn’t know how to live if i didn’t know i was going to die.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

friday, january 14, 2022

mood:

exhausted

song in my head:

making a fire - foo fighters

looking forward to:

sleeping

dreading:

the future

today’s thoughts:

i read two books today. i’m now halfway the 6th series of unfortunate events book.

i started making a list of references & allusions used by lemony snicket in characters’ and places’ names. my favorites so far are the idiotic, violin-playing vice principal nero being named after the famously incompetent roman emperor nero who notoriously fiddled while rome burned, and dr. orwell, an optometrist who works in an eye-shaped building and represents count olaf constantly watching the baudelaire children being named after george orwell, author of 1984, a novel about the dangers surveillance.

the anxiety-induced suffocating feeling has been coming and going all day. i hope it goes away for good soon.

today is my childhood best friend’s birthday. we still talk and hang out occasionally, but it’s been so different these past few years. she does the things normal teenagers are supposed to do, and i obsess over children’s books and tell the internet things i should be telling a medical professional.

none of the teachers for the classes i had today were present. i wish i stayed home.

i’ve come to realize that nothing is ever going to be the same as it used to be. everything and everyone has changed so much since march of 2020. we can’t go back. maybe it’s not a bad thing. but sometimes it feels like we’re all marching towards an inevitable horrible end, and we’re acting like everything is okay. everything is not okay. i am not okay. nobody is okay.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry

[the-halcyon-gays]

thursday, january 13, 2022

mood:

drained

song in my head:

it’s been awhile - staind

looking forward to:

3-day weekend

dreading:

the psychosomatic suffocation returning

today’s thoughts:

i stayed home from school today because i was experiencing the well-known covid symptom “shortness of breath.” i got a covid test (which was negative) and eventually my mom took me to urgent care, where the symptom was deemed anxiety.

it was weird, though, because 1) i’m not really anxious about anything right now, and 2) i wasn’t experiencing any of my other, more common anxiety symptoms (nausea, random muscle twitches, etc).

in other news, i read 2.5 series of unfortunate events books today. lemony snicket is a national treasure.

the “90s to now” radio station in my area is responsible for about 95% of my music taste.

one of these days i’m gonna start experiencing emotions again and then there will be no stopping me.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online diary #online journals

[the-halcyon-gays]

wednesday, january 12, 2022

mood:

tired

song in my head:

umbrella - rihanna

looking forward to:

sleep

dreading:

i guess nothing

today’s thoughts:

i finished midnight sun today and the ending was so bad. any softened feelings i had towards edward have vanished.

i also reread the first series of unfortunate events book. they’re shorter than i remember — most of them are around 200 pages, if not less.

we were talking about covid in bio today, and i started having an anxiety attack. i was hyperventilating a little, and my hands started feeling tingly from lack of oxygen. i was okay after just focusing on breathing for a few minutes, though.

edward hopper paintings really make me feel An Emotion. not sure what it is but i like it.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online journals #online diary

[the-halcyon-gays]

tuesday, january 11, 2022

mood:

generally positive

song in my head:

the scientist - coldplay

looking forward to:

college visit trip to the pacific northwest

dreading:

flying to bellingham for said college visit trip

today’s thoughts:

went for a walk off campus with my friend during lunch. saw 3 freshmen smoking weed approximately 200 yards away from the school.

we learned about the exposure triangle and got practice taking photos using the aperture priority setting in graphic & digital art today. i understand it in theory, but i haven’t really been able to apply that to actual photography yet.

watched a video on the druids in ap latin today. caesar did not represent them accurately.

my seminar (45 minute fun class once a week) this semester is paper constructions. we’re starting off with paper airplanes. we recreated the world record setting ones. mine didn’t work very well.

over the course of the pandemic, i have become a genuine diehard coldplay fan. there are dozens of us. dozens.

8th grade history was one of the best classes i’ve ever taken, and i didn’t appreciate it enough that the time. i want to learn about egypt and mesopotamia and greece and the maya.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry #online journals #online diary

[the-halcyon-gays]

monday, january 10, 2022

mood:

tired

song in my head:

don’t blame me - taylor swift

looking forward to:

sleeping

dreading:

nothing rn

today’s thoughts:

i got to go to swim practice for the first time in almost a month today. i’m very out of shape. i was tired after a 200 freestyle.

survivor: david vs goliath is very fun to watch if you imagine alison as janet from the good place, nick as edward cullen, and the mayor of slamtown as putin.

i read my research paper on the 1619 project i wrote last year today. it’s not as bad as i thought it was going to be.

instagram cannot tell the difference between twilight posts from people who think twilight is bad in a funny way (me), twilight posts from people who genuinely like twilight, and twilight posts from people who are just horny for robert pattinson and/or kristen stewart. it makes looking for memes very difficult. i do not want to see edits of bella and edward captioned “they’re so cute together <3”

ap latin is literally my favorite class i’ve ever taken. i like all the people, i like learning latin, and there really isn’t that much homework.

the pirates of the caribbean soundtrack is literally the best thing that has ever happened to humanity. we don’t deserve hans zimmerman, but i sure am glad he exists. that one song in at world’s end that has electric guitar?? play it at my funeral.

#digital diary #digital journal #journal #journal entry #public diary #public journal #diary #diary entry