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Learn To Let Go
It has almost been 3 years since my initial sexual assault and it’s been quite the journey. It’s been a voyage of shame, self-doubt, blame, anger, loss of control, guilt, self-hatred, isolation, low self-esteem, and above all else, powerlessness. A couple weeks ago when one of Kesha’s newest songs, ‘Learn to Let Go’ appeared on Youtube, it spoke to my soul. I’ll be frank, all of the songs so far have spoken to me; each one in its own way but they all revolve around one main theme: ‘Bad circumstances happen, but it’s not your fault.’ Instead I have learned that life is how you pull yourself up and learn to love life regardless.
After the assault, I blamed myself. How could I have let this happen? How was I so naïve? I felt so out of control; I wasn’t in control of my emotions, my flashbacks, or my ability to sleep. Only my best friend knew the night it happened. She has been so supportive of my progress and always reassured me when I was down that I was not in the wrong and that I would make it through the other side. I kept it so close to my chest, because he was the head high school football coach, a golden boy who could do no wrong; a special education teacher, someone who should be there to help the vulnerable, but instead he inflicted pain.
When I did begin to openly discuss what happened with people outside of my immediate circle, I received a reaction that I didn’t expect. I was told by acquaintances that the assault was punishment for my secular humanist beliefs, that it was my punishment by “God” for denying his existence. Although growing up non-religious in a majority Christian community saw its challenges, never was I so blatantly persecuted for my beliefs. Looking back, this was an impactful time in my healing process. I was told by a religious community that I must have asked for it, I was called a harlot. I decided that these people didn’t make my life any better, I didn’t need those people in my life, the ones that judge me for my beliefs and knocked other women down for not being obedient to others. I chose to stop talking about it for a while and bottled it all inside, until I began working in the mental health field. I was put in a situation where I had to face my demon head on; working in the school where he worked. When I asked for a reassignment, I was told that it wasn’t an option. I thought at that point that it was best to be truthful with both my superior and his about why I didn’t want to work in the school. I didn’t feel safe there, that I was re-triggered day after day. His superior refused to believe that he was capable of it and blamed me, that I was the problem and must have been the one at fault. I think it was easier for her to believe that I did something wrong than to believe a man she knows could be a rapists.
I demonized myself; I endlessly searched inside, looking to uncover some horrible monster hiding within myself and I found it. I found a monster of self-hate, guilt, punishment, and isolation. I was angry at myself for not being able to prevent the rape, not beating the living day light out of him, and not having a voice when I needed it the most. I felt isolated and stuck in an endless drain, continuing to spiral down with no way out.
The next fall, he left to go to a different school once the police began to investigate him. Although I was left to pick up the remnants of my previous shell, I was stuck and not sure how to live the life I had before. It was hard for me to have anyone near me, let alone touch me, even as innocent as patting me on the shoulder would make me want to crawl out of my skin. Then something changed for the better at the least expected moment. I did find one very accepting woman outside of my “normal” group of friends, she shared compassion and kindness when I felt that I least deserved it. Later on I came to find out that she was described by many as a saint, and that she was. I would, most times, feel like I was a burden to her when she asked how I was. I wanted to open up more to her since I knew that she was and still is to this day, a safe haven. She introduced me to another amazing woman who also made me feel self-worth again, who empowered me to continue my healing process, even when I wanted to cave. They showed me that there are kind and compassionate people in a world with limited humanity.
There is one thing I want my assailants, my neigh sayers; those who shamed me, who blamed me to know: I’m thankful for my struggles, because without it I wouldn’t have been able to stumble across my strength. I wouldn’t be able to write this, I wouldn’t be able to share my story to empower people who have little faith in humanity.
Since I have shared my struggle with a select few, I have been shown that I have so much to give the world. Although at times I can be very self-deprecating, I also have a big heart who gives so much to others. I have learned that I need to give just as much back to myself as I give to others. I have learned that regardless of my past, my future is so much brighter than the demons of the dark. I have enjoyment to give the world, a big smile. I have learned that my awkwardness is enduring and that I do bring joy to those in my life. I have learned that I am not a burden and that those who offer help are truly there to help raise me up.
I have been blessed with a handful very positive women that have come into my life since my assaults happened. They have been there for me, just to hear me, to give me sound advice, to pick me up when I was down, but most of all to love me when I didn’t love myself. This has been the biggest blessing in disguise that I have ever received. For this, I am eternally grateful to these women. For this, I dedicate this to them, because without them, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
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Going back home
The last couple of days I was back home and it was tough. When I walk in the door I remember all of the arguments that I and my mother has, the hostility, the verbal abuse, and all of the other emotions that go along with it. I
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The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
#Quote#Quotes#Quotes To Live By#Positive Affermations#Positivity#Self Care#Self Love#Self Esteem#Broke#Deseat#Suffering#Trauma#PTSD#Anxiety
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Self Care
Have a self-date As a mental health provider, we are some of the worst people at practicing self care. I’m horrible, and struggle with it. I think it’s because I’m also an HSP. I feel the need to try to fix everything. When I can’t figure it out, and fix it, I become super overwhelmed, which is what is currently happening. As a part of recovery from my trauma’s I’ve decided to put together a list of self-care activities. I am going to try to do one of these every day for the next 5 day.
1. Simplify your schedule.
2. Do something that energizes your body.
3. Take a long, warm bath.
4. Create a Gratitude List.
5. Meet with a counselor.
6. Unplug for a day.
7. Stretch.
8. Do something new..
9. Practice mini-meditation.
10. Dance it out.
11. Write or journal your thoughts.
12. Get quality time with a quality person.
13. Be still.
14. Practice a full day of Sabbath rest
15. De-clutter.
16. Do an activity mindfully and slowly.
17. Take a walk.
18. Reflect on your personal mission statement.
19. Enjoy a piece of chocolate or a glass of wine.
20. Sleep.
21. Start a compliments file.
22. Be selfish. Do one thing today just because it makes you happy.
23. Get fifteen minutes of sun
24. Check in with your emotions
25. Have a self-date
26. Ask for help
27. Have a good laugh
28. In the morning, listen to music that inspires and motivates you.
29. Take a moment at the end of each day and consciously list a few good things in your life
30. Create something for no practical purpose such as a song, a poem, an essay, a painting, a drawing, a comic strip, a collage, etc.
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Quick Healing Exercise.
Take a moment before going to bed. One minute or three minutes—five at the most. Make a cup of tea if you like. Then open a tab and write a single word that describes the day. Just one word. An adjective perhaps. A noun that could describe a moment from the day: PURPLE CROCUS. PANCAKES. NEW SHOES. A verb: SWIMMING. HURTING. RUNNING. Any word at all or all of the prompts. If you are too tired to write that word, write down, simply, I am too tired to write tonight. And that can be enough.
Overwhelmed
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Quick Healing Exercise.
Take a moment before going to bed. One minute or three minutes—five at the most. Make a cup of tea if you like. Then open a tab and write a single word that describes the day. Just one word. An adjective perhaps. A noun that could describe a moment from the day: PURPLE CROCUS. PANCAKES. NEW SHOES. A verb: SWIMMING. HURTING. RUNNING. Any word at all or all of the prompts. If you are too tired to write that word, write down, simply, I am too tired to write tonight. And that can be enough.
Difficult, Fear, Remember
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Writing Prompt: “Where were you when I needed you?” “I could ask you the same thing.”
In the moments that I have felt lost in life, I isolate myself. I don’t talk about my problems with anyone when they happen. The only way anyone knew something was going on with my on my birthday, is that they called me in the middle of me crying. When I isolate myself, I don’t answer emails, phone calls, texts. You name it, it does happen. I stay in my room, and think deeply about what I did to get to this point in my life. When this happens, I never there for other people. That’s a giant fault of mine. The real answer to this question is however; that I am lost within my own head. In this regard, I am very selfish. I only want to be with me, myself, and I. I want to be able to support other people, but it just never happens. I want to set a resolution to put myself out there more and take care of myself, so I don’t isolate.
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The smell
I have never fully been able to get over the smell of you. That cologne. I’ve never been able to identify it, but I have been able to know when someone is wearing it around me. It brings me back to that moment when you first assaulted me. “C”, I will never be able to forgive you for placing that memory within me.
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Today was a hard day, but better than yesterday.
Even on a bad day there are some good things that happen, no matter how small. I decided that I needed to follow some simple CBT and talk about the things that went well today versus what didn’t.
Three good things that happened today:
I didn’t cry, I laughed, and I went to a job interview.
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If you’re having a bad day...
Change your clothes. Even if you’re already wearing something comfortable, change into something else that’s still casual and comfy.
Eat your favorite food. A bowl of rice, ice cream, pasta, make a sandwich, anything that makes you happy.
Eat some fruit. A banana, apple, peach, pear, some berries, fruit is always a good option.
Eat some protein. Cheese, meat, eggs, rice and beans, ect. Something to give you energy.
Drink lots of water. Fill up a water bottle and keep it with you, but remember to actually drink it.
Find as many pillows and blankets as you can around the house and pile them on your bed. THE MESSIER, THE BETTER!
Bring your acquired snacks into your room. Even if you don’t make a habit of eating in your room, make an exception this time.
Bring a couple of your favorite stuffed animals to share your nest with.
If you have cats, invite them as well.
Watch an episode or two of your favorite show GUILT FREE. Nothing sad! Watch something that will make you smile and laugh a lot. And ENJOY IT. Give yourself this time to decompress without stressing over a million other things. I know it can be hard, but YOU CAN DO IT
Hang a sign outside your door, letting family members/roommates know that you are currently unavailable. Be polite, courteous, and take their needs into consideration if they need something from you, but it’s okay to have a little chunk of time all to yourself when you’re having a tough day. We’ve all been there.
Turn off your phone. Just for a little while so you can completely relax. Stay off social media too - you don’t need any drama right now.
Once you’ve finished your show and eaten a healthy amount of food, do something productive. Even if it’s just one or two little chores - sweep, do the dishes, tidy up your room, dust, reorganize the bookshelf, whatever. Do something that will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Even if it’s little, be proud of yourself for each task!
Listen to music while you’re working. iPod, record player, radio, etc. Make it something up beat with a nice and lively tempo.
Dance and sing. I don’t care if you dance like a fish out of water and sing like a dog whose tail was stepped on, you are a beautiful contribution to this world so don’t be afraid to shine!
Alternate in doing tasks throughout the day with doing things you enjoy. Paperwork and then a walk (fresh air always helps!), mop the floors than read that book you’ve been wanting to explore.
Talk to a friend if you need to. If you don’t think you have anyone to talk to, let me be the first to tell you, YOU DO! There are thousands of kindhearted people on here who would love to get to know you and want to help you and hear about your day if you are feeling under the weather.
Remember that this is today. Every tomorrow is another chance. Everyone has rough days, and sometimes we get a whole long string of them, but life is so much more than just the bad days. Go to bed knowing that tomorrow is a new start.
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“And I don't want the world to see me, 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand, When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am”
Today is my 27th Birthday, but it has been a rough one for me. I’ve cried many times today. I lost it when Iris By Kina Gannis (A cover of The Goo Goo Dolls) stated paying on Pandora. The lyrics above really struck a cord with me. Through my many traumatic incidents in life, I had had to make this appearance that I’m invincible, but the truth is that I’m the exact opposite. Being soft in a cruel world is really hard. I try to be so kind to people, but it seems to have only gotten me into an so abusive relationship or to have me taken advantage of. I really relate to these lyrics, because I’ve been through so much trauma that I don’t think that anyone would understand why I am the way I am. It’s like being a piece of debris floating among the the most brilliantly bright white stars. Everyone around you seems to have it together for the most part, while you are doing all you can to hold it together for the day. For me,it’s a successful day if I don’t cry. I think these feelings were brought up today because of all of the writing I’ve been doing around my sexual assault(s) and the current medical trauma I’m going through. I wish that I could learn to trust people. It’s the biggest thing I struggle with. Does anyone have any advise they’d like to give me?
#Iris#Goo Goo Dolls#Prompt#Broken#Shattered#Rough Day#Rape#Current Feelings#I'm on the struggle bus#Advise#Ask#Lyrics#Lyric
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Why I’m doing this project
After the massive amounts of trauma that I’ve endured, I have found healing and acceptance through the art of writing. I want this to be a place to share my story and my steps back to self-love.
#TW#Rape#Sexual Assault#Sexual Abuse#Trauma#Abuse#Assault#Writing#Writing to heal#Self love#Self care#Self esteem
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