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A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (Featuring some followers): The Bloodworks

This is chapter seven of my ongoing series to explore and review the prison facilities of each of Skyrim's major cities. In this part we find ourselves in Windhelm, centre point of the Stormcloak Rebellion, looking at a prison with an... unclear naming convention. The prison itself is located inside the Palace of the Kings, in the guard barracks loading zone, so what do I call it? Well, I've decided to refer to the facility in this review by the name affectionately given to it by the people of Windhelm, The Bloodworks. This name interestingly derives from when it acted as a place to contain pit fighters while the Windhelm Arena was in use, but I prefer to think of it as a potential reference to the harshness and brutality of the prison in question, showing clearly that this prison has a very violent and disciplined policy. Does it live up to these ideals? Let's see...

I arrive in the cell provided for my group and immediately the problem is obvious. That's it. That is ALL the floorspace there is. Prisoners are afforded a small pile of hay to sleep on and nothing else. This is by far the most brutal and unforgiving treatment in any prison reviewed so far and shows the Windhelm guard are more than prepared to back up their aggressive attitude to criminals with action, especially when they decide to throw four people into the same tiny cell. Our group had been arrested this time as a result of an altercation in the city streets over the very apparent racial prejudice in the city wherein Sofia in all the madness may or may not have taken the life of one of the market stall runners. In order to both keep an eye on us all easier and further punish us for our crimes the guards had decided to throw most of us into the same cell (Teldryn and Jordan lucked out and got a separate cell nearby). This was not only deeply uncomfortable for everyone involved but also, in Inigo's case, very distressing. After a short while Inigo's tolerance had run out and in a panicked state he forced the door open with his bare hands! Naturally the guards were not best pleased with this.

So next thing I know we're in a firefight. My group had felt the red mist descend and were quite evidently sick of Windhelm's shit, which truth be told I can't blame them that much. A massive melee broke out with spells, arrows and swords flying in every which direction, blood coating the floors in the closest thing to a carpet the prison area will likely ever see. I had wanted to keep this review tasteful but clearly I was in the minority, so senseless violence won the day (hooray) and much commotion was felt during my tour of the facility (not hooray).

Most of the initial combat took place in the holding area. A cold, dirty, cruel place where torture equipment was laid out liberally across the room and indications of past struggles and sufferings were commonplace. Clearly the Stormcloaks preferred getting their justice the hard way, and they were more than well equipped to do so. Everything in this room, from the cell's tiny empty space to the vicious devices being used here perfectly complement the brutal, no-nonsense nature of this facility. It felt more like a vampire den than a city jail, for both better and worse.

While I was examining the fascinating torture devices, my friends had forced the guards into a chokehold at the foot of the stairs leading up to the barracks and ,quite simply, they filled up the booking list for Sovengarde completely in a matter of seconds. Now I understand that my clique is very well-versed in the potent cocktail of combat and "fucking shit up" but even then these guards were very quickly defeated and massacred. Though I suppose it's on brand for the Windhelm guards to talk big but be sent off to Shor's penthouse faster than a very ambitious Alduin who wants to get the whole world-eating thing done and over with quickly. If nothing else, I suppose bloodied walls and floors is expected in this prison, just not from the guards.

An unexpected upside to the aforementioned slaughter is that it allowed me to examine the guard barracks fully without any interruptions, seeing as the entirety of the barracks' occupants were currently twitching downstairs in pools of their collective blood. The barracks in question were rather nice. Comfortable décor, plenty of bedding, effective and functional furniture, the works. It stands in stark contrast to the bloody (not intentionally) cesspit downstairs and shows that these guards were being well cared for by their superiors but unfortunately not well trained as the large pile of bodies just downstairs is proof of.

Also included in these barracks, tucked away in the corner right of the exit down to the cesspit are the evidence and prisoner belongings chests. This is a strong storage location. Any prospective convicts would have to go through the cesspit in its entirety and enter the barracks where the guards are stationed (even if that is a moot point now) to access the chests and retrieve their beloved scroll of conjure storm atronach or whatever it is they use to fight off racists in this part of the country.

The corridor out of the guards barracks was woefully uneventful (I can't for the life of me imagine why), with it leading to a door into the Palace of the Kings proper, which ended up being easier to escape from than I'd anticipated. The good thing about having a lot of dead Windhelm guards nearby is that there was plenty of disguises to go around. We were almost caught again when Inigo's tail accidentally came loose near the front door, but we managed to convince the real guards that it was just a very long, thin bear pelt before leaving.

In conclusion, The Bloodworks were brilliant for what they wanted to achieve, which unfortunately for their review score wasn't a decent prison. The Bloodworks might just be the best torture dungeon I've ever seen, but it is highly insufficient as a city prison and the guards were... well, you saw what happened to them.

Final score: One Scroll of Conjure Storm Atronach out of Ten Scrolls of Conjure Storm Atronach

Thank you for reading this review. Next time we look north to see if we can brave the cold of The Chill in Winterhold.

#skyrim #tes v #tes v skyrim #Skyrim Prison Review #inigo #inigo the brave #sofia skyrim #teldryn sero #Jordan the Reikling #lydia skyrim #lydia #The Bloodworks #Windhelm #Windhelm Jail #Everyone is fucking dead #Lydia and Teldryn committed mass murder #Tiny box cell #Blood all over the floors

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A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (Featuring some followers): Castle Dour Dungeons

The dead speak! This is part six of my ongoing series reviewing the prison facilities in each of Skyrim's major cities. I'm sorry this one took longer than the others, I just came back from a place with very poor internet and could not post for a while.

In this chapter we examine the capital of Skyrim, Solitude. Expectations for the Castle Dour Dungeons are high given its location in the imperial and indeed national capital. I'm anxious to see if it lives up to such lofty expectations or falls short and gives the Stormcloaks another reason to hate Tullius' guts.

Upon entering my cell I was presented with a notably scarce décor. There is a table provided with seating for two and a single sleeping space (are they expecting us to have friends over for lunch?). Also supplied was an adequate lighting source, an additional chair off to the other side of the cell (for all one's third wheeling needs), a waste disposal bucket, multiple sacs into which things can be placed and a pile of hay which is presumably to act as sustenance in the event a steed ends up in here for horsing around the city. I had noticed that the southern-left wall appeared to have some faulty bricking installed which I have to consider a shortcoming of the maintenance of this facility. I was about to investigate further when I encountered an issue.

He keeps doing this. It's become a recurring issue. I am here to experience this prison fully from the perspective of a prisoner and yet Inigo insists on quickly releasing me at every turn. I had asked him this time why he paid my leave and how he had acquired the funding to do so, but he responded by saying that he hadn't paid any bail at all and refused to elaborate further. I'm scared. This Khajiit clearly knows something I don't which worries me deeply.

I at this point decided "to the Far Shores with it" and did the review at whatever way I so chose. Inigo made it clear that integrity was for the feeble anyway. I examined the central room outside my cell and was greeted with a truly breath-taking sight. Apart from some choice walling which I will elaborate on later, this building is simply magnificent in terms of architecture and structure. It's a sight to behold with expertly laid out cells and a torture chamber, a feature not seen in any other prisons so far. Though the presence of a torture chamber is likely motivated by the civil war, it can also function as an effective deterrent from any hopeful escape artists trying to free themselves or reach the belongings chest to retrieve their potions of vigorous well-being or the like. The layout and structural design of this facility puts every one previously reviewed to shame, with one exception.

This wall is frankly pathetic. It obviously stuck out from the moment I arrived and exposing it to so much as a minor gust fully collapsed a person-sized chunk of the wall leading to a potential escape route. Now, I'm hardly a qualified construction worker but this does not seem well put together at all and creates a myriad of issues, least of all giving prisoners an escape route. Falling bricks may not only put the safety of prisoners at risk but unattended bricks may be used as weaponry to attack innocents. This is simply shoddy and nothing else. I had expected better.

Following the resulting path led to a greater issue. This path goes directly to the prisoner belonging chest and leaves said chest fully exposed. Now admittedly the chest, like all belongings chests, is protected by a very strong lock but the point still stands that easy access is granted to prisoners who are afforded the luxury of retrieving their aforementioned potions of vigorous well-being to keep themselves in shape during the escape should an altercation break out. This opening, much like the faulty walling that created this escape route, is also the result of shoddy build quality and upkeep in Castle Dour. It may look impressive but it very evidently folds like a deck of cards.

Beyond this lay a very short trip to the exit out into the city through a sewer drain. This exit combines the worst elements of Dragonsreach Dungeon and Riften Jail to form an utterly uninspired and uninteresting route to escape that leaves little to make the escape feel special for the fleeing criminal. Still, I suppose beggars cannot be choosers when you are escaping prison.

Emerging from the drain onto the city streets reunited me with my team who, with the exception of the ever-unpredictable Inigo had decided not to partake in the bulk of this review. They had been fortunately spared from the events that led to my Solitude arrest which may or may not have involved getting up onto a stage in the middle of a public execution and singing a song about Goblins (A song which Jordan found particularly entertaining). What I had failed to account for during my following of the escape trail was the Imperial guard finding the wall hole during my escape and following it to chase me down under a new separate charge of destroying Imperial property. This was unexpected, but not unwelcome as it showed diligence in the Imperial guards which I hadn't expected from soldiers not out in the front lines of the war.

In closing, Castle Dour Dungeons were not quite what I had hoped they would be. I had expected a gold standard of quality and while they do excel in guardsman training, interior design and torture, they fall flat in furnishings of cells and structural integrity, two areas I had expected the very wealthy capital city to excel in.

Final score: Seven Potions of Vigorous Well-Being out of Ten Potions of Vigorous Well-Being

Thank you for reading this review. Next time we examine the opposing side of the civil war and see what Ulfric does with people who feel like being just a bit too kind to the Argonian dock workers.

PS: Don't expect another long gap between reviews. That was a one-off and regular service should resume.

#skyrim #tes v #tes v skyrim #skyrim prison review #inigo #inigo the brave #sofia skyrim #Castle Dour #Castle Dour Dungeon #solitude #Jordan the Reikling #lydia skyrim #cool jail #i'm so back #Collapsable walls #imperial legion #Why can't they make a decent wall?

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A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (Featuring some followers): Riften Jail

Part 5 of my Skyrim Prison Review series. This chapter finally breaks the "every interior looks the damn same" chain by looking at Riften, Skyrim's capital of corruption, inequality and... fishing. I think that last one might be important.

Since my last review the inner circle has grown a few notches. Joining me this time is Dunmer heartthrob Teldryn Sero, Whiterun's finest donkey Lydia, Jordan the peak Riekling specimen and the returning Inigo and Sofia. Actually getting arrested and put into the cell here proved surprisingly difficult. We first tried punching one of the homeless people on the streets unprompted but nobody batted an eye when we did. Then I tried stealing food from a nearby cart but again, nothing. So for the third attempt I thought of a real humdinger. I went into the orphanage and suplexed the old lady running it so hard that her spine broke and she died instantly. The children in the orphanage were naturally very happy and- wait, happy!? I was shocked to find them all celebrating her death! I mean she was called Grelod the Kind for Diagna's sake! I swear, kids these days are so ungrateful! Nobody even called the guards! I murdered an innocent old lady without consequence and I have no idea why. In the end we had to literally beat a guard to death to finally get in enough trouble to warrant an arrest. So much hassle, and for what? Well let's see...

Riften's cell is oddly nice, with a full bed provided in each cell as well as a desk, lighting setup and chairs (no rug though, unfortunately). It was also quite cramped inside the cell with all us inside of it due to the relatively small floor size. Had we all not decided to investigate as a group this would've likely been far more adequate of a cell. There are even multiple other cells in this jail, so it's clearly built for capacity (Maven has a lot of enemies it would seem).

Attached to the back wall was a pull ring. The ring in question somewhat blended in with the dark colouration of the walls and pulling on it opened a secret entrance and revealed a secret tunnel behind the prison walls. The actual outline for the secret entrance was quite clearly visible so identifying it as a possible escape route was easy. Normally in this situation I'd leap at the opportunity to criticise the laziness of the guards in not being able to identify the obvious avenue for escape, likely by making some joke about them being more blind than a Falmer or the like, but given the very obvious and deep-rooted corruption in Riften hold (which on fear of my life I know nothing about), it's more likely the guards know about it but are paid to turn a falmer's eye. This isn't as bad as the guards being incompetent at their jobs. It's worse. It shows just how tarnished the internal systems of this city are and is beyond shameful.

Further down the path we were greeted by... a bathing spot? Excess water flow point? Fishing training spot? Given the large Riften fishing scene I'm inclined to assume it's the latter (See? Told you the fishing would be important!). Unfortunately when we arrived there were no fish in the water or indeed fishers-in-training doing their practice reels. Perhaps they were taking the day off?

The path continued downward to eventually lead to a sewer grate (very original, Riften. Veeeeerrrry original). We sent Jordan ahead first to ensure the path ahead wasn't too mucky and/or filled with waste. He (She? It?) was hesitant at first but a quick reminder of her (His? Its?) position in our tribe proved convincing enough to put its (I'm going with its) mind at ease.

We were dropped out of the grate into the depths of Lake Honrich. Hardly the most glamourous escape but it sufficed. Inigo wasn't particularly happy getting his fur so wet but the damage had already been dealt. We took this opportunity to return to the jail normally using guard armour and a few brilliant false moustaches as disguises to look at the space outside the cells.

As previously mentioned, there are a lot of cells in this jail, significantly more than most and the building is well-designed to accommodate these large cells. Though if the rather pompous-looking man in the top left corner is any indication some of the more well-off prisoners can quite easily obtain certain luxuries for their cell. It's also worth noting that (while not pictured above because I forgot to take a visual illustration of it at the time) the prisoner belonging chest is in a wholly separate room in the jail, multiple rooms apart from where the cells are located so no optimistic burglar is picking their cell lock, breaking into the belongings chest and retrieving their beloved Nightingale Boots easily, that's for sure!

Overall... wow. This jail is something else. Much like Riften itself it's simultaneously a brilliant location that operates highly efficently or the biggest sack of Chaurus droppings I've ever encountered. Much of it's defining strengths only exist due to deep seated corruption and the influence of one particularly angry middle-aged woman making them so (which again, I reiterate, I know *nothing* about). As such I can't in good faith call Riften Jail an adequate prison.

Final score: Three Nightingale Boots out of Ten Nightingale Boots

Thank you for reading this review. Next time we go slightly more formal and investigate Imperial HQ, Solitude and the Castle Dour Dungeons

#skyrim #tes v #tes v skyrim #inigo #inigo the brave #skyrim prison review #sofia skyrim #Riften #Riften Jail #We do a little thievery #maven black briar #Maven is a bitch #Teldryn sero #lydia skyrim #Jordan the Riekling Warrior #riekling #cool jail #shame about the corruption

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A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (Featuring some followers): Falkreath Jail

This is the forth part in my ongoing series to explore the prisons of each of Skyrim's hold capitals. In this post we consider Falkreath, the last hold in the "the devs didn't feel like making unique interiors today" trilogy. How will it compare to Morthal and Dawnstar?

Initial impressions of the cell itself were positive. Unfortunately we were down a bed roll from the three contained in Morthal and Dawnstar but at the time I was distracted from that point by the nice rug that adorned our cell. After having to stand on cold stone in the other cells, this represented a nice change of pace and made the cell feel more engaging and welcoming as a result. In addition to that was a waste disposal bucket and multiple sacks similar to those seen in Morthal Jail. It's clear some care was put into this cell by the staff. As for how my friends and I got in here this time, Sofia may have accidentally consumed some ashes from a deceased former resident mistaking them for salt. Realising I also needed an excuse into jail I... may have joined her a bit. I don't like it, but I did it. Inigo decided not to partake this time.

That aside, look at this nice table in our cell. Isn't it nice? They even gave us complimentary bread! It certainly puts a captive's mind at ease. There was, however, a problem. As pictured above, there was only one chair meaning pairs of cell mates can enjoy romantic dinner tables for one and one only. Sofia and I had a slight altercation deciding who got seat privileges, but that was curtailed when we realised we wouldn't even be in the cell long enough to need a seat. Still, the fact it's there at all is appreciated.

Shortly after a guard approached us. He had confirmed that our bail had been paid and that Sofia and I were free to go. We had thought Inigo had paid our bail again, but when we reunited with him he told us that he had not paid for our release. We asked the guard who'd freed us and he said it was directly from the Jarl himself and that we were to report to him once our review was finished. He had work for us, but this review isn't about that.

Looking around the main room I was greeted by familiar, uninspiring furniture and decorations. Office chairs, barrels the works. What did catch my eye however was a separate cell at the end of the room. This was unprecedented. Morthal and Dawnstar both only had the one cell in their facilities and this other cell stook out like a Nirnroot in a desert. Not only that, but this separate cell was different in design to mine and had a prisoner already inside. I knew I had to see more.

Peering at the poor welp in the cell and I'm immediately drawn to two things: The water coating the floor and the scattered bones bobbing along the small water layer. I understand that Falkreath is far from the wealthiest hold in Skyrim but this is incredibly poor for prisoner accommodation and hygiene. No ordinary person can be held like this, so I suppose it's fortunate for the guards that this prisoner is far from ordinary. He, much like myself, has been blessed with the gift of Hircine , lycanthropy. The public had discovered his true nature after a cursed ring the man bore caused him to turn uncontrollably and maul a small child to death. Tragic as it is, one can't help but question why they locked him beneath a well he can easily escape from using Hircine's power instead of just killing the bastard and being done with it. That seems the much simpler, and indeed safer, option.

Leaving the cursed beast to his demons, we shifted our focus to a nearby training area for the guards. This is a very welcome addition to this prison. Not only does it help the guards refine their skills while on duty, it also acts as a psychological weapon against prisoners that deters escape plans. It tells them that the guards here are proficient in combat and more than prepared to fend off any convict who picks their way into the well-placed prisoner belongings chest and arms themselves with gloves of the pugilist to fight their way out. Such tactics are less likely to succeed here.

Upstairs in the guard barracks sees little change in design or architecture from Morthal and Dawnstar, but it's apparent from my time there that the same cannot be said for the guards. It appears some of the guards stationed in this city have experience in strong arcane arts, for when I saw them they had begun to bend the very fabric of reality and corrupt the laws of physics in such a way that should clearly be an afront to the will of the divines. I have no idea where they acquired such dark magic, but I fear now for the safety of the people of Falkreath. Their guards are operating beyond mere mortal men.

Falkreath is quite a difficult jail to place a proper ranking for. It excels in many areas such as tailoring for prisoner's needs and the apparent infinite magical power the guards use to warp the very universe to their whim, but falls flat in other areas such as thinking a well hole would make for a decent prison cell to hold a warewolf in and the limited seating and bedding arrangements. Still, I left Falkreath Jail feeling rather content with my stay.

Final Score: Six Gloves of the Pugilist out of Ten Gloves of the Pugilist

Thank you again for reading my review. Next time we take Inigo home and explore how Maven Black-Briar treats those she doesn't like.

#skyrim #tes v #tes v skyrim #inigo #inigo the brave #skyrim prison review #sofia skyrim #Falkreath #Falkreath Jail #Sinding #Slight Warewolf References #They made a well a cell #I do not understand why #The guards break reality #No more dead jails for me #The next ones will have even more followers

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A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (Featuring some followers): Dawnstar Jail

This is the third part to my Skyrim Prison Review series. In this entry we discuss Dawnstar, a city plagued by nightmares caused by evil. I'm here to figure out if said evil is the result of having a shit prison system or not.

Arriving in my cell I'm greeted by a familiar sight. The amount of space afforded to prisoners in Dawnstar is practically identical to that of Morthal's cell. Could they have had the same interior designer? Whatever the case it makes Dawnstar's cell feel very indistinct (which is definitely not because the devs didn't feel like designing unique interiors that day. Definitely not). Included in the cell is very little beyond a trio of bed rolls for Sofia, Inigo and I to rest in. Inigo had been involved in our arrest this time (though not by choice). When we had arrived in Dawnstar we had checked in at the local inn, Windpeak Inn, and encountered much of the resident populace engaged in a drinks party. Apparently this party was to distract the people from the unending nightmares that has plagued them for many a night by this point. Sofia had insisted we join in this event and we did so. Inigo was reluctant at first but caved to peer pressure eventually. Rather worryingly that's as far as our collective memory goes. None of us remember what happened that night and no guards or residents told us. The only things we have as evidence of what happened are numerous splats of blood on the Dawnstar roads and a Giant's Club that was apparently confiscated from Sofia sometime after the guards caught us. Perhaps some stories are best left unknown.

Aside from the bed rolls for sleeping in, the only non-living thing in the cell was an old book tucked away in the corner. "The Wolf Queen - Book 1" was nestled in the gap between the wall and a wooden pillar. The first in a series of books concerning Potema, the famed wolf queen of the third era. Without any other objects of note and with Inigo's continued berating of Sofia growing more irritating to listen to I started to read. Included within the story is a detailed explanation of a lockpicking scenario, which offered valuable insight on the art and improved my lockpicking proficiency. This, I remember thinking, had to be a joke. They put nothing in the cell except some old bed rolls and a book detailing how to pick the cell lock and escape? Either they had put the book inside to entertain bored prisoners not knowing its helpful contents or it had been discreetly left behind by a thief who had previously resided in this very cell. Either way, the stark lack of pretty much anything in the cell at all spoke volumes for the management of Dawnstar Jail. Either they cannot afford to place things in the cell, or they cannot care to.

It was while I read the secret literature in my cell that a guardsman approached our cell. He told us that he was sick of listening to my associates argue between themselves and that if they did not cease their debate he would stop them by using Sofia to warm the guard barracks and Inigo to make a forth bed roll. It was clear the man was restless (what with the nightmares and all) and was beyond fed up with the noise. Personally I couldn't blame him, rude as he was. After Inigo and Sofia gave their word to becoming and remaining silent the guardsman left up into the guard barracks, presumably to get some food, drink, or a fool hearty attempt at rest. We in the cell took this as our moment to explore beyond our cell.

The vicinity outside our cell bore some strong similarities to that of its Morthal equivalent, but also some drastic differences. Like Morthal there was a writer's desk for legal documents which was equipped with the familiar writing quill, paper rolls and wine. Interestingly though next to this was what appeared to be a large barrel not too dissimilar to ones used to hold mead or other such alcoholic beverages. One would assume that this would drive Sofia to forcefully chain herself to the desk and not be taken away from it as if protesting against the at-the-time Stormcloak occupation of the Pale, and yet she did not. Likely because she was still recovering from the hangover brought about by the events of last night (Thank Ebornarm for these visual illustrations. I doubt I'd have remembered anything without them). Additionally worth noting is the placement of the prisoner belonging chests. Unlike the Dragonsreach Dungeons and Morthal Jail, the chests here are kept close by to where a guard is expected to frequent and out of the direct accessibility of a prisoner. This makes it much harder for the overly-ambitious prisoner to access their belongings and storm aggressively out of the prison using a steel battle-axe of fiery souls or the like.

Directly opposite the guard desk was a food table. Keen followers of formal logical reasoning will note that this means the table has food on it. Food which I don't understand. Surely if a peckish guard wants to eat something they can go upstairs to the guard barracks and get something in a short time or, better yet, bring something down when they start their shift. That is unless this food was meant to be given to prisoners but considering that a) we were not offered any food while in our cells and b) the guards were clearly not interested in giving us anything at all I seriously doubt the food was meant for us. Either way, Inigo helped himself to some bread.

Proceeding upstairs to the guard barracks we were greeted with a dual-level affair. The base level felt very... well... base, for lack of a better term. It remined me much of the Riverwood trader, and indeed the nearby Mortar and Pestle shop. The furniture and decoration was just as drab as the building layout on this floor. A guardsman had been sitting enjoying a late breakfast when we entered and we briefly exchanged words with the tired old goat wherein he expressed his extreme tiredness (which probably explains why he didn't attack us on the spot) when Sofia suddenly suggested a solution. Before he could respond she knocked him on his back and left him out cold. In her defence, he did get some sleep then, so it really was for the best.

The guards upstairs were not so weak from a lack of rest. No sooner had I arisen the stairs had their weapons been drawn and their fury let loose. Even the brief second trying to commit the visual of the room to memory let a guard get off a lucky swing of their blade. Not wanting to incur further injuries and fearing the captain's large weapon we bid a swift retreat. These guards were more alert than I expected. Perhaps the lack of rest had made them ore irritable and better at sensing shifts in atmosphere. Either way, it is to be commended. Such swift action is admirable in guards and other holds can learn a thing or two from these alert men and women.

To conclude this review, I felt conflicted leaving my experience with Dawnstar Jail. The guards here show clear skill and aptitude in their roles, but the bland design and complete emptiness of the cell bar some bed-rolls and a book probably not even meant to be there to begin with leave much to be desired and unlike Morthal, Dawnstar is not quite a nowhere shithole in the middle of a boggy, sweaty swamp next to a vampire den so there is far less room to justify certain shortcomings.

Final score: Four Steel Battle-axes of Fiery Souls out of Ten Steel Battle-axes of Fiery Souls

Thank you for reading this review. Next time We discuss Falkreath and see if its jail is as dead as the absurdly large cemetery and all the people that resides there.

#skyrim #tes v #tes v skyrim #dawnstar #Dawnstar Jail #Skyrim Prison Review #inigo the brave #inigo #sofia skyrim #part three #Everyone here is tired #I can see why place is mid af #I mean seriously it's so dull #But hey #at least they have that one Dark Elf priest people on this site like

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A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (Featuring some followers): Morthal Jail

I'm back on my Skyrim prison bullshit. I can only apologise. This chapter of the review will cover Morthal, the community's collective 9th favourite Skyrim city. Will its prison fall just as flat as the city that holds it?

Arriving in my cell for the first time and I'm pleasantly surprised. Morthal Jail uses cost effective but cozy bedrolls to give prisoners a place to sleep, as well as a complimentary bucket and broom to encourage their responsibility in helping tidy their accommodations. From these we can immediately infer that the mindset in Morthal is one of community strength. Placing multiple prisoners in one cell helps build bonds and encourages teamwork, communication and friendship. Admittedly the sorts that end up in prison are more likely to simply beat their cellmates to death with their bare hands than work in-tandem with them, but it's the thought that counts.

There was space for three prisoners in this one cell, which was fortunate as Sofia and I had been arrested simultaneously (Sofia for drunken hooliganism and myself for lollygagging). Included on Sofia's side of the cell was an additional bucket, this likely serving as the simple but effective waste deposit for this cell. Also included was a basket containing five green apples and multiple sacks. Most of the sacks were empty but one of them had some salt piles inside, useful for when we needed to add salt to somebody's wounds. These simple supplies show a level of understanding for prisoner's needs not really seen in most other prisons which goes a long way to making this one feel more welcoming. Thankfully I was given an opportunity to explore beyond my cell not much later.

Less than a minute after Sofia and I had arrived in our cells, Inigo walked up to the cell doors... and simply opened them. I was at a loss for words! How had he done this? Had he used his special Khajiit powers again? Did he steal the key from an unsuspecting guard? Or had he simply intimidated the door into giving way? Well as it tuns out it was much simpler than that. He paid our bail. He had picked up some trace valuables from our adventures while I was, and I quote, "too busy scarfing dragon souls as if they were sweet rolls" and could very easily afford the rather meager bail price. Yeah turns out lollygagging doesn't incur that high of a bounty, and as for Sofia, I had asked a guard and he told me that since Morthal is such a nothing shithole drunken hooliganism is a very common offence and as such more major punishments weren't really practical for having a city with people not in prison. Still, it gave me the chance to freely observe the rest of the facilities.

Leaving my cell had allowed me to freely confirm something I had observed inside my cell. The Morthal guard leave the prisoner belongings chests directly next to the prison cells, in plain view of all the prisoners. Now, I understand that this prison is trying to build a feeling of mutual trust in its prisoners, but I fear this is far too optimistic. With the chests in this position, any wannabe escapist can freely identify where their equipment is held and try to access it without even being in the peripheral view of any guards, leading them to easily re-acquire their trusty Banded Iron Shield of the Major Knight or whatever it is they use and be more than prepared to force their way to freedom without major harm. This, much like the issues plaguing Dragonsreach Dungeon, is a major security breach and should be remedied.

I (the rather large Redguard man in the rags pictured above) then noticed that the entire prison floor in this hold was being guarded by a single solitary guardsman. Initially I had considered this lack of manpower a major oversight and a suggestion that the Morthal guard were largely lazy and/or not effectively utilized like the Whiterun guards. However, in reflection shortly after coming to this conclusion, I came to a realization. This city is a nothing shithole with a total named population of eighteen people (three of which are children). Of course there's only one guard stationed here. What few guards this city has stationed here are likely stretched incredibly thin and not very satisfied with life given they do, in fact, live in Morthal. As such, I can readily forgive the short-staffed nature of this jail.

Opposite the guard was a desk for writing legal documentations, equipped with a writer's quill, rolls of paper and multiple bottles of wine. Naturally at the sight of alcohol Sofia immediately made herself at home and then took some serious persuading to leave. Turns out having an alcohol-happy workspace in a city where drunken hooliganism is let off lightly is exactly the sort of thing to get her attention, though knowing her should have made that obvious.

The way out of the jail floor leads directly into the guard barracks with zero alternative routes and multiple guards inside at all times, which in any other hold would act as a strong defence against escaping convicts. However, with this being Morthal the nothing shithole and the guards being so few in number, every guard in the barracks when I entered was fast asleep, catching up on any rest they could possibly get. I pity those soldiers, but I doubt thieves, murderers and other more serious convicts would be as sympathetic.

On the whole, I found Morthal Prison to be a much better facility than Dragonsreach Dungeon. It has a clear intention for its captives in mind, it accommodates them well without breaking the bank and the guards (what ones are still awake that is) are very nice and understanding. There are still faults however, namely the placement of the prisoner belongings chests and the fact that this is still, at the end of the day, Morthal. Despite these though, I'd recommend Morthal Prison. It serves as a diamond in the swampy messy shithole that is Hjaalmarch.

Final rating: Seven Banded Iron Shields of the Major Knight out of Ten Banded Iron Shields of the Major Knight

Thank you for entertaining these reviews of mine. Next time we see if the Dawnstar Jail is the reason why all of the city's residents are troubled by endless nightmares.

#skyrim #tes v #tes v skyrim #Morthal #Hjaalmarch #Skyrim Prison Review #inigo #inigo the brave #sofia skyrim #I'm fucking serious about these #I will not stop #Slightly Modded Skyrim #Morthal's Prison is decent #Place's still a shithole tho

[themegachessatron]

Yeah ai sucks but also, skyrim mods.

[themegachessatron]

one thing you gotta know about fantasy rpgs is that one way or another, there will be a quest called “honor among thieves” or some play on that phrase.

[themegachessatron]

throw back to when i killed a man in Skyrim bc i wanted his outfit.

[themegachessatron]

We started plant structure in Biology and whenever I hear 'tap root' I sit there like 'wow skyrim reference'

[themegachessatron]

A Review of my time in Skyrim's Prisons (featuring some followers): Dragonsreach Dungeon

This is the start of what I hope to be a full series of posts where I explore and evaluate the prison facilities in every major hold capital of Skyrim and share my experiences with them. Where else to start than the ever iconic Whiterun and it's maybe a bit less iconic Dragonsreach Dungeons?

The cell provided for the LDB in Whiterun is modest yet at the same time surprisingly expansive. Decorations include an animal pelt bed (which seems oddly lavish for a prisoner but then again I suppose Whiterun is a wealthy trade hub), a sheving unit to put all the possessions you don't have on you and a hatch which leads directly into a passage of tunnels beneath the dungeons. A hatch which just so happens to have an incredibly weak lock (so they can afford warm bedding but not decent locks? Seems fishy to me). Before I could venture to open these locks however I was faced with an issue.

I have no idea how he got in here. I suppose given his experience with prison facilities from Riften it's not entirely surprising Inigo would know his way around a prison cell. Perhaps he utilised special moon powers to get in? Maybe he silently picked open the front door when none of the guardsmen were looking? Or had he sent Mr. Dragonfly to open the cell door from the other side? I think it most likely that Khajiit simply has skills my feeble, smooth Redguard brain cannot comprehend.

With Inigo's help I picked the lock on the hatch and slipped silently into the tunnel network beneath my cell. While inside these tunnels I kept having the same thought: Why are these here? What purpose is there to have a tunnel system beneath every cell in the dungeon? Are prisoners expected to release their excreta down the hatches? I wouldn't think so given the lack of staining on the floors at the very least.

In fact, the whole system seems remarkably well maintained. With the exception of a single skeever carcass, there was very little clutter or cobwebs or anything of the sort. The rather tidy state of the tunnel passageways leads me to conclude that it must be cleaned at least somewhat regularly, but by who? The guards? What do they use the tunnels for? I can't think of any reason the guards benefit from having this tunnel system in place. All it serves to do is give prisoners an easy way out of their cells and access to the prisoner belongings chest (which mercifully is at least locked with an expert quality lock). The tunnels in fact culminate in a ladder which leads directly into the guards barracks (again, why?). I did, however, have one additional thing in these tunnels that requires discussion.

...I'm beginning to think they don't like me being arrested. Inigo breaking into a prison I can understand but what in the name of Diagna is Sofia doing here? How the hell did she slip past the guards? The most slapdash, crude woman I've ever seen successfully managed to slip into these tunnels without alerting any of the more than a dozen guards regularly occupying either the dungon floors or the guard barracks next door. I believe this says a lot about the quality of the guardsmanship of Whiterun's "finest". Olava the Feeble would be more alert than those incompetent oafs.

Climbing up the ladder into the Guard Barracks leaves us in a side room containing a few barrels that happens to be within sprinting distance of the door out into the open city. Not only is the close proximity to the exit incredibly stupid, it leaves the guards residing in the barracks no time to feasibly register the prisoner's presence, adopt a battle position, blockade the door out and draw their weaponry. Before they can swallow their sweet roll the prisoner has darted out and is loose on the streets once again, a feat which becomes all the easier when you realise most prisoners won't be weighed down with body armour or big weapons and can this maneuverer much faster than any of the guards in the area. This is of course assuming the prisoner is an idiot who did not pre-plan for their arrest. A smart prisoner can very easily deposit their powerful equipment inside one of the barrels in the back room prior to their arrest which (thanks to the absence of a lock on the barrels) leaves them free to take back their rightful belongings and before you know it Whiterun's finest are jumped by a crazed Redguard lunatic weilding a Honed Ancient Nord Greatsword of Soul Snares and swinging it wildly like they're in the middle of a warzone. This represents a drastic oversight in the design of the prison system in Whiterun that urgently needs adressing.

In conclusion, Dragonsreach Dungeon left quite a sour taste in my mouth. I had expected a quality stronghold to effectively hold and punish criminals but what I instead saw was bizzare investment directions, a whole underground tunnel system designed for no-one's benefit other than the prisoners, a poorly laid out guard barracks and a team of guardsmen and guardswomen so foolhearty, indolent and frankly inadequate that they were unable to detect the presence of a loudmouth, brash, drunken nord woman wearing heavy plated armour and making a whitty joke every twelve seconds. For one of the most vital holds in the country and a Centrepoint for all of Skyrim, this is beyond a letdown.

Final rating: 2 honed ancient nord greatswords of soul snares out of 10 honed ancient nord greatswords of soul snares.

Thank you for reading and (hopefully enjoying), this little review of mine. Please do consider joining me next time when I investigate the swamp water shithole that is Morthal and see if it fares any better.

#skyrim #tes v skyrim #tes v #Whiterun #Dragonsreach #Dragonsreach Dungeon #Skyrim Prison Review #Inigo #inigo the brave #Sofia Skyrim #Whiterun Guards #Why would they make a bloody prison like this? #I'm doing one of these for all nine holds #Buckle the fuck up #Modded Skyrim #Just a bit tho I can't do anything too fancy #Have I added enough tags yet?

[themegachessatron]

installed a mod that adds minutemen patrols between my settlements and now i just keep stumbling across dead minutemen everytime I leave Sanctuary

[themegachessatron]

Therapist: Its okay, Cunty Nate isn't real, He can't hurt you

Cunty Nate:

[themegachessatron]

Having a normal one out in the Commonwealth.

[themegachessatron]

I spent 20 minutes looking for a fix for this bright glowing npc eye bug because it was really distracting and looked like vampire eyes, and then I realized it's not a bug, she's just an actual vampire. fml. I would NOT survive dawnguard

[themegachessatron]

i change enb's so much but it's like playing dress up for my game i can't help it

[themegachessatron]

I started a new play through of Skyrim, focusing on not completing a single quest for as long as possible and somehow I pissed off the Darkbrotherhood

I dont know how I did this

I have taken no contract or if I did I def didn't fulfill it.

Ive killed four bitchass assassins already