vicmontufar

[vicmontufar]

Alone

It’s strange how a person can feel so lonely at any time of day, even when they’re in the middle of a packed super market or in a crowded church. The idea of being invisible to everyone comes across, along with the the idea that there is no remedy for loneliness is born. Obviously everyone has their own personal reason of why they feel all alone. It could be because one misses someone who meant the entire universe to them, and that someone has completely forgotten about them. It could be because you feel confused about the moment you’re currently in, not sure where you need to go in order to be who you want to be in this life. It could be because you’re in a place where you’re not seen. I don’t know.

There are so many reasons why one would feel lonely in this big world. I feel lonely almost every other day and night. I try to ignore it by talking to the few people I know. But, I sometimes think I might be wasting their time with my worthless conversations and dull attitude. So I’m not surprised if they end up drifting away from me. It has happen numerous times. Recently I’ve been hiding myself beneath the covers to avoid the days I need to live. It’s like a substitute for suicide. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. It’s a lonely one, but a good one. I just wish I can have someone by my side for a while, or just someone to talk to about anything. I got a few friends; they’re all hanging in there. I see them every once in a while, whenever it’s possible.

It’s hard to make new friends, I’ve tried, but I just can’t approach people so easily on a personal level. Like if it’s for something formal, like at work or school stuff, okay yeah, that’s easy. But to get to know them and vice versa, no, just no. I can’t get along with everyone because their conversations are so boring and cliché. Topics that I’ve come across so many times, that I know all the directions of where they could lead up to. My sister always tells me “That’s why I never invite you to hang out with my friends, you’re always so quiet and have nothing to say.” Or my mother “You always think you’re better than everyone you meet.” I’m quiet because I don’t want to fake out an opinion or expression over the conversation they’re all having. It’s pointless. The times that I’ve given my opinion, everyone just stares at me with a face of “what the fuck”. No one likes the truth. They want a lie to make them feel better. Are you even still reading this?

I regret all the times I’ve been to the club. I really do. I only go just to see this girl who will never feel any affection for me. I ignore that fact and still talk to her about anything. Anything that comes across my head. Anything that she’ll forget about, once she leaves me standing there drunk and goes to the bar with some other guy. There will always be someone better than me, which will always leave me being that friend. That friend who you can always talk to when no one is around, that friend who can lend you a hand when your falling, that friend who will just be there. But if you dare to feel something, some kind of affection, she will avoid it. She will gradually stop seeing you. She will stop talking to you like she use to. She will become a stranger. And once time goes on, you’ll see her in a store late at night, and it’s just going to be you and her. She’ll just vaguely smile and walk out the door, crushing your insides into red powder.

People like me are meant to be alone, are not meant to be loved by someone that is not part of your family. That’s why I find myself feeling safe in the music I listen and make, in the films I watch every day. I sometimes wish I could live in one of my favorite albums or films. Just stay there forever. One of the few moments where I forgot about being lonely, was when I was recording in a studio down in Mexico City. Everyone there knew what music really was. The idea of fame and #1 hits was never in the atmosphere, it was all about the music and getting the right sound. I had a good time, even though I was there for two days. I want to go back.

I was in the car with my aunt; we were going to my grandmother’s house. I asked her about her young days, when she left for a year to study in Europe. She told me about her lover from Zaragoza, Spain. She told me how he fell for her, and how she couldn’t catch him. She told me she wasn’t ready at the time, but regrets it. That’s where it came to me. In this life you’re going to fall for a lot of people, and only one will ask you the right question at the wrong time. Be honest. That person might be the one. “Do you still talk to him?” I asked her. “Yeah, from time to time.” They would send each other messages saying how much they miss each other, and how nice it would be if they could be in each other’s arms just for a while. But it can’t happen. He’s married and has a family. She’s divorced and has a small family, it’s just her and my cousin, and they’re doing fine. They’re not alone, they have each other. In one of the messages, he told her that this life owes them so many moments that they were never able to embrace. Fear got to them.

An uncle of mine lost his wife two years ago. She was not young or too old, right in the middle. I think. Now every night my uncle is all alone up in his bedroom, with no one to talk to about his day. No one to kiss. No one tell how beautiful they are after all these years. No one to hold when they are afraid or feeling down. No one to be with. I think you become cold and angry with life, once it takes away the one you love. My grandmother lost my grandfather 19 years ago. Three days after Christmas. Since then she’s been gradually pushing us away, especially my mom. They fight almost all the time. I hate it. I hate to see my grandmother be so cold with my mom. I hate it when she gets mad at everyone for simple reasons. I hate it when she starts crying. I hate it when I have to leave her house. I hate to leave her alone. I hate the idea that she has no one. I’d hate to see her leave us. But, that’s what she really wants right now. She will tell me “Oh, I just hope in the next couple of years, God can just come and pick me up.” I would tell her to not say that, because no one wants you to leave. When my father was in the hospital, I remember the man in the other room. He was dying. His daughter came to say goodbye. Next day, I saw him all covered up in white sheets. They took him out of his room. Never thought I was going to see a dead man on that winter break. Never thought I was about to lose my father. Things just happen. There are handles that you can hold on to, but you’ll never understand the places that they will take you. My mother would spend her hours praying and praying, holding back the tears, so none of us could feel alone.

It’s hard for me to believe in a God that I’ve never met or seen or heard. But I try my best to convince myself that someone does exist up there, and that we’re not just praying to a void. I just can’t be so religious. Every time I go to mass, I see everyone so deep in their prayer and moment. I don’t know how they do it. I’ve tried, but I just can’t. I go on missions, I do my best to believe and cooperate with others, but I just can’t get it like everyone else. All these songs and prayers they recite, have no effect on me. The only way I can talk to him is by just literally talking. I sometimes feel insane, because I might be talking to no one in the end. Maybe it’s all because of the private schools, forcing us to pray, believe, and go to mass every day. Maybe all of that drained out the spiritual part of me. Maybe all of that made God look so casual. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong, I just know I’m lost in my faith. It would be worst if I told you that I wasn’t, then I would be lying. It’s better to be honest about the things that make you feel lost.

I have these two friends who will talk to me about their love lives. I listen to them. Give them my opinion, even though it might not matter to them. Because all they really want is someone to listen to them, it’s fine, who doesn’t? I won’t get into detail about their dramas, it’s too much. It involves love triangles, confused relationships, I don’t know. She and her boyfriend where just having enough of each other, they were together for about two years I think. They had to end it; things were going to end bad eventually. She was at the time in love with some other guy; she was in love with both. In the end she ended with someone else. She’s happy now. I’m glad she is. The other friend, she was in the moon with him. It was something great, from what she told me. But then all of the sudden, in small old town, he told her that this wasn’t going work out and that they should be friends instead. Just like that, you can break a human’s heart without even touching it. I think it’s unfair to lead someone on into your world and just kick them out once they’ve settled in. I guess she’s doing fine, I hope she is. I mean, I think it’s cool how she got back on her feet after that storm. Very few people can do that. She’s a good person. Even though I got the feeling she still thinks of him every other day. Who wouldn’t? I think about the good times I’ve had with people who drifted away from me. When you’re alone in a big city, your mind visits many places and feelings. Sometimes I would just like to tell both of them, or any girl I know and care about; you’re too busy looking for someone to break your heart again, stop, this world doesn’t need another sad girl.

Let’s go back to what I was telling you not too long ago, even though they taught me in school not to jump back to topics you already talked about. I don’t care. For a year now I’ve been falling for several girls. It turns out none of them are for me. Isn’t hard to accept the fact that the person you feel some kind of affection isn’t interested in you at all? Doesn’t it burn the core of your bones? They just see you as a friend. I doubt any girl that I’ve met in this life has ever felt anything for me. When will that ever happen? No idea. I’m just that guy in the corner with the ideas. But, oh God, how I would love to kiss her. Oh God, how hard I fall when you leave me all confused with your words in my head. Oh God, how good are you leading me on through the sky without a parachute. Oh God, how insanely perfect are your glowing eyes when they abduct my vision. And oh God, how your voice calms me down when I’m feeling lost. Wait. Don’t think I’m just talking about you, yeah you. If you feel it’s you I’m talking about, let me know how you feel when I’m in the room with you. Let me know what you actually think of me. Let me know if I ever had a chance with you. Let me know if I’m just another friend. Let me know if I can see you on different occasions. Let me know if you ever caught me staring at you. Let me know if I should drift away for a while from you. Let me know when you’ll be ready to tell me the things I want to know. And if you don’t want to let me know, then let’s not mention this when you’re done reading this. Don’t drift away. Don’t stop talking to me. Don’t lose your mind to this. Don’t leave me alone. Don’t tell anyone about this. Don’t forget about this and everything that goes around in your life. Don’t forget who you are. Don’t believe what everyone says. Don’t go into the dark without your guts. Don’t fall in love so quickly. Don’t be afraid to break the glass that comforts your mind. Just please don’t do anything that’ll make you blame yourself in the end.

So yeah, maybe the one for me doesn’t live in my city, or in this country. Who knows? We don’t know about each other’s existence. That’s the beauty of it. We might have already walked by each other.

Right now I’m just writing all of this because  I’m tired of searching for a science to make myself feel different than everyone.

I’m afraid of it all, but I can hold on for a while.

  �֐|;�

[vicmontufar]

So I was there, looking down at my phone, in a theatre downtown. When all of the sudden I decide to look up. I shouldn't have but I did. I see her. I don't know her. But I see her walking pass right in front of me. Short black semi frizzy hair. Lips covered in a warm midnight red. Simple big brown eyes. A casual dress haunted by black and white stripes. I was hooked. Frozen. Curious. Insecure. She was wild but innocent. Her body danced to the essence of the music that the bands played throughout the night. Hypnotized. Overthinking. Regret. The show ended. The chance ended. The possibilities ended. Because of the words and actions that didn't happen, I will never see her again.

[vicmontufar]

Hoy el álbum Sam's Town de The Killers cumple 10 años. Un álbum que aun sigue siendo uno de los soundtracks mas importantes de mi vida y la vez una guía de como confrontar momentos buenos y malos. Desde los pasillos chicos de la secundaria hasta lo mares de gente en la prepa este álbum me acompañaba. Este álbum me empujaba a confrontar muchas cosas como "palabras" e igual me animaba a hablar con la que me gustaba. Mas que nada, a aceptarme como soy y como me veo. Este álbum vale mucho para mi, lo veo mas que un álbum. Nunca me voy a cansar de Sam's Town o de The Killers. "Slipping in my faith until I fall He never returned that call Woman, open the door, don't let it sting I wanna breathe that fire again"

[vicmontufar]

I discovered the existence of Bon Iver on the summer before starting high school. The cold nostalgic sound of Forever Emma, Forever Ago seemed so foreign to my young ears, that I instantly fell in love with it. Bon Iver's music became another permanent soundtrack to my life and especially to my high school days. It kept me warm in the dark. It kept me safe when I was too afraid to talk to someone. It's my personal cave. Obviously, his music is a huge inspiration on the music I write. I've learned so much. The kids at my school only knew about him just to be in la mode, to fit in the current hipster scenario. It wore off. No one listened after Skinny Love. Posers. Don't just love something or someone for a while and then forget about it. Be patient. Let it breathe. Let it change. That's how you preserve something or someone good in your life. That's what I learned from Bon Iver's music and evolution. I'm now in my 4th semester of college and many people have been coming and going. I'm now in my 20th September 30th of my first 2016 and I've been feeling way better about myself than I did before when I was younger. I'm now on my 7640th day of my life and I haven't in love with any of the girls that I've met in the current past. I guess I wasn't born with the intention to faIl in love. I'm now currently on my 183,360th hour of my life, and I wonder where am I going to end up when it's all over. I'm now currently on my 660,096,000th second (and counting) of my life and many things have changed in the world, in my life, and yes, Bon Iver's sound in his 3rd album 22, A Million.

[vicmontufar]

Hoy vi la de Shame. Michael Fassbender es el protagonista. Una película muy personal y única. Me encanto. En Shame, puedes ver la soledad ahogándose en un mar de sexualidad y de amantes. Pero a la vez, el amor y cariño hacia la hermana. Una de los personajes que, sin querer, rescata al protagonista de la soledad. Esas son las películas que valen la pena, las que son demasiado personales y que actúen como un espejo para el público. Ese es el tipo de cine que yo estoy intentando de crear. Lo comercial no me interesa, solo me agrada ver lo de vez en cuando.

[vicmontufar]

It's pointless to listen to a love song when you don't even feel anything for no one. But then again, love songs are so meaningful when you do feel something for someone. They were meaningful a long time ago. I don't expect them to be or want them to be ever again. Never. They always say (My friends and family) "Oh, don't worry, the one will come." Or "She wasn't the one, don't worry, be patient." I seriously don't care anymore if "the one" even exists or existed. Then again it all just comes naturally. Love, loneliness, and death. They all come naturally. At the most unexpected moment of your life. When you least want it or need it. They don't care They just come.

#2016 #love #hate #thougths

[vicmontufar]

Bowie taught me to be different.

Every time I listen to any David Bowie album or even song, I enjoy every second of it. It leads my mind into a moment of blissful and perfect isolation. The first time I heard his voice when I heard Change. Later on when I got older, I got a bit more into his music when I heard Under Pressure with Queen. The perfect rock collaboration of all time.

But my love for him and his music was born when I heard Heroes. That song conquered my soul emotionally and spiritually at the moment it came on. And it still does. That song gave reason to chase my dreams. I don’t have enough words to explain my love for Heroes because of its perfection and beauty.

Naturally, I always felt so attracted to his music every time I heard a song of his that I’ve never heard before.

Through his music, I've learned that fear cannot take over the body and soul when everything is going downhill, that the body and soul needs to keep holding on to the fucking guts to get through whatever harsh moment it’s going through.

Bowie taught me to be better

The past few months I’ve been recording new demos that sound way different from my early recordings. At the moment I’ve completed 3 demos. I adore them a lot because they are strange and what I really wanted for a long time. When I got stuck in limbo during my recordings, I would play some Bowie to get myself out of there. Bowie taught me to personally treat my music with a unique type of love and care that a human being can ONLY give their artistic creations and as well receive from it. Because of him and other musicians, I challenge myself with ideas that I’m not familiar with or may seem very bizarre and unnatural to my head. He was and will always be one of my top inspirations and idols.

My inner self always wanted to be like him. I thought he was so cool when I saw him in his music videos and live concerts on YouTube.

Last night on my flight back home as I was listening to his greatest hits album, I daydreamed about him inviting me over to his house. In that daydreamed we listened to his albums, recorded music, and talked about everything. That was something on my bucket list but I guess that’ll have to wait until I join him up there or wherever he is. Never in my wildest mind did I come close to the idea of him dying the next day or even in the nearest future.

Bowie taught me to be someone.

#bowie

[vicmontufar]

Watch David Bowie introduce England to Ziggy Stardust while performing “Starman” on Top of the Pops in 1972.

[vicmontufar]

Top 24 Films of 2015 1. Güeros 2. Steve Jobs 3. Mad Max: Fury Road 4. Spotlight 5. The Revenant 6. The Hateful 8 7. Carol 8. Eden 9. Sicario 10. Room 11. It Follows 12. Black Mass 13. Ex Machina 14. Star Wars: The Force Awakens 15. Inside Out 16. The Night Before 17. Straight Outta Compton 18. Tangerine 19. Trainwreck 20. The Big Short 21. Joy 22. Spectre 23. Macbeth 24. The Martian

#film

[vicmontufar]

Top 30 Albums of 2015 1. Brandon Flowers - The Desired Effect 2. Jamie xx - In Colour 3. Coldplay - A Head Full of Dreams 4. Muse - Drones 5. Foals - What Went Down 6. Natalia Lafourcade - Hasta la Raíz 7. Carly Rae Jepsen - Emotion 8. Ryan Adams - 1985 9. CHVRCHES - Every Open Eye 10. Florence + The Machine - How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful 11. Wolf Alice - My Love is Cool 12. Noel Gallagher - Chasing Yesterday 13. Disclosure - Caracal 14. Tame Impala - Currents 15. The Vaccines - English Graffiti 16. Palma Violets - Danger in the Club 17. Bunbury - MTV Unplugged: El Libro de las Mutaciones 18. New Order - Music Complete 19. Jesse y Joy - Un Besito Más 20. The Libetines - Anthems For A Doomed Youth 21. Adele - 25 22. The Airborne Toxic Event - Dope Machines 23. Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp A Butterfly 24. Fall Out Boy - American Beauty/American Psycho 25. Selena Gomez - Revival 26. Carla Morrison - Amor Supremo 27. Rey Pila - The Future Sugar 28. The Maccabees - Marks to Prove It 29. The Weeknd - Beauty Behind The Madness 30. Mumford & Sons - Wilder Mind 31. Peace - Happy People 32. James Bay - Chaos and The Calm 33. Mac DeMarco - Another One 34. Passion Pit - Kindred 35. Juan Gabriel - Los Dúo 36. Beirut - No No No 37. Drake - If You're Reading This It's Too Late 38. Halsey - BADLANDS 39. Alabama Shakes - Sound & Color 40. Lana Del Rey - Honeymoon

[vicmontufar]

Llegue a mi vigésimo Diciembre sin haberme muerto. La vida es más inesperada que la muerte. Nunca vamos a saber cuantos segundos se han agregado a nuestra a vida o igual cuantos nos sobran. Espero conocer el infinito y su maestro antes de irme con ellos a su hogar. Seremos mas que héroes y dioses, nada de lo grande ni de lo poco, pero frágil como la oscuridad y fuerte como la luz. Pero por el momento solo seremos nosotros y nada mas.

[vicmontufar]

Hubiera hecho otras cosas con mi tiempo este verano pasado en vez de gastarlo en ciertas personas. En vez de caer por la persona equivocada. En vez de actuar como un ciego. Me arrepiento un buen de todo. Pero a la mierda, ¿qué puedo hacer? Así es la vida. Te da momentos que están destinados a probar tu ser, tu mente, y tus decisiones. La vida es bella, cruel, misterioso, emocionante, melancólico, culera, y simple. Así que no se me rinden, mis amigos y enemigos, porque todo tiene su razón inexplicable. Venimos por lo que nos robaron y por lo que nos encargamos.

[vicmontufar]

So many thoughts, so many feelings are viciously running through the bones of my mind. Where am I? I've seen this before. I've felt this before. I've been here before. As I fall through these memories, I can see your face reflecting between the spaces of the light. It makes me wonder what we could've been if you never made me hate you so much. But I'm glad, I'm glad I'm over you. And I bet you're glad that I'm almost gone. We could've been the unknown kings and queens of this fucked up dreamworld. We could've been best friends on a Sunday, enemies on a Tuesday, and lovers on a Friday afternoon. But let me tell you this, even if I'm contradicting my fucked self, if I dream of you in the next life, I'll come and find you. And if you dream of me in the next life, don't come near me.

#summer

[vicmontufar]

-Conocer a Zoé y a Ruben de Café Tacvba -Componer y grabar 11 canciones. -Musicalmente aprendí mucho de Ghost Stories de Coldplay y de X de Ed Sheeran. -1. BiRDMAN de Alejandro González Iñárritu: Me encanto como se proyecto la película, me refiero a su cinematografía que esta mas de genial e igual a la gran actuación de Keaton y Norton. En alguna forma me encontré a mi mismo en el protagonista, en su historia. -2. Interstellar de Christopher Nolan: Cada vez que veo una película de Nolan, me doy cuenta que a el nunca le da miedo lo grande y lo atrevido. Mentalmente y emocionalmente, esta película te lleva hasta al infinito. -3. -Boyhood de Richard Linklater La idea de que la película se rodó de forma intermitente durante un período de doce años es algo muy único. -Conocí a nuevas personas en el verano, personas muy buenas, ellos ya saben quienes son. - Y ya. ((No escribo muy bien en español, perdón))

[vicmontufar]

Top Films of 2014 1. BiRDMAN (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) 2. Nightcrawler 3. Boyhood 4. Enemy 5. The Double 6. Frank 7. The Grand Budapest Hotel 8. Interstellar 9. Nymphomaniac 10. The Immigrant 11. Palo Alto 12. The Skeleton Twins 13. Mistaken for Strangers 14. The Interview 15. 22 Jump Street 16. Foxcatcher 17. Fury 18. Whiplash 19. Obediencia Perfecta 20. The Babadook 21. Begin Again 22. As Above, So Below 23. Edge of Tomorrow 24. Guardians of the Galaxy

#film #2014

[vicmontufar]

Top 2014 Albums

1.Ghost Stories - Coldplay 2.X - Ed Sheeran 3.Supermodel - Foster the People 4.Turn Blue - The Black Keys 5.Tyranny - Julian Casablancas + The Voidz 6.Happiness Is - Taking Back Sunday 7.Tomorrow's Modern Boxes - Thom Yorke 8.Hesitant Alien - Gerard Way 9.Proaño - Enjambre 10.BiRDMAN - Antonio Sanchez 11.Yellow Flicker Beat - Lorde 12.Mind Over Matter - Young the Giant 13.1989 - Taylor Swift 14.Goddess - Banks 15.Sucker - Charli XCX 16.LP1 - FKA Twigs 17.S.O.S - Zoé 18.El Pintor - Interpol 19.Songs of Innocence - U2 20.Luminous - The Horrors 21.No todo lo puedes dar - Ximena Sariñana  22.I Never Learn - Lykke Li  23.Interstellar - Hans Zimmer 24.Hozier - Hozier 25.Moctezuma - Porter 26.Lost in a Dream - The War on Drugs 27.48:13 - Kasabian 28.La Deriva - Vetusta Morla 29.St. Vincent - St. Vincent 30.1000 Forms of Fear - Sia 31.Ultraviolence - Lana del Rey 32.Sound of a Woman - Kiesza 33.Viaje por Lo Eterno - Reyno 34.Morning Phase - Beck 35.Language & Perspective - Bad Suns 36.Crush Songs - Karen O 37.Lazaretto - Jack White 38.The Dream Walker - Angels & Airwaves 39.Listen - The Kooks 40.Get Hurt - The Gaslight Anthem

#music #alternative #pop #2014

[vicmontufar]

Here’s a break down of the release date for Foxcatcher in case you’re interested in seeing it!