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ad-venturism

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ad-venturism · 7 hours

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I am actually watching late night television at night, on a television. I am in slouched in the hotel lobby and I can't sleep. When the sun comes up I will remember all the people that I love and all the times I felt alone. I'm in a foreign city, thinking, I will never be a child again.

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ad-venturism · 1 day

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with every choice there is loss. I can repaint the wall but not unpaint it. I cannot unsay it, you cannot unhear it, but you may choose to not remember. sometimes I am at a loss. to be deliberate, but also decisive. to sit with the consequences, savor its impact. there is no path until you walk it. the ground becomes compact and water pools after the rain. love is not enough but it is the bare minimum. the air tastes different when you breathe it too. grief makes sweeter that you gain. what is lost creates space to breathe a bit deeper, sit a little longer, there is no un-doing.

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ad-venturism · 2 days

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what you can freely destroy is your property, yours to own, to owe the bank, to leverage for greater fortunes than a piece of land or a parcel of trust. not every rupture is visible, destruction doesn't always leave debris, sometimes only an absence.

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ad-venturism · 3 days

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the time will pass anyway. I am crying now at all that I am grateful for and all that disappeared from the present. there is no need to rage at my own temporary unhappiness, it was just an error in judgment and I was too groggy to correct it, too ready to submit myself to its inevitability. sometimes it's freeing to relinquish responsibility. sometimes avoiding it becomes its own trap. there is no need for blame. just more courage to breathe deeply no matter the season, more courage to live and be present. the time will pass anyway.

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ad-venturism · 4 days

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sometimes her words are buttery, green like a new leaf learning about the world and unraveling towards the sun. sometimes her words turn nutty, as if it were becoming a flavor more exciting, or it's the eve of going black, phrases that have lost texture, that are a schmear of intentions gone bad. sweetness turns into a swamp of mushy affections. there is a pit she cannot swallow. she wonders if it can teach her to speak.

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ad-venturism · 5 days

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MINDFULNESS. Even a clean house needs dusting. It is clean because it is cleaned. even a clear mind needs breathing. It is clear because it is cleared. There is no life but what is lived. Everything is real though a false perception can weaken a home and clutter a mind. Every moment is a now, every moment begins anew.

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ad-venturism · 6 days

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I am taking revenge on myself digging a quiet hole at night I am accountable to only myself and failing at it. in the early morning feels like a warm dark womb. every laughter more resonant and every tear more sad. at 5pm the day feels like it's on a leash with just a small gated patch of grass available to run freely in circles. even loops break. I can take a pair of scissors and bring the blades to the tension.

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ad-venturism · 7 days

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I wake up and already think of tomorrow whether I would get up earlier with a body less stiff whether I could avoid turning thoughts into a spiral where 11 am and 4 pm feel remarkably similar

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ad-venturism · 8 days

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I laughed and laughed and laughed until I cried, realizing that all this will pass, too, we are a moment in time, matter in a serendipitous combination. it takes work to embrace it, submit to it – all the feelings of now – sometimes it will feel like a blur, one day it might feel effortless to be, like sipping coffee in a triangle of sunlight, like flossing every kernel of teeth with anticipation, sometimes laughter is sinister, generous, physiological, illogical, so I cried and cried and cried until I laughed at all the happiness behind the tears, at the child I am in my petulance & inexperience. I am here.

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ad-venturism · 17 days

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I was jealous as a child of those who had an instinct for living, for joy, for pleasure –– not at the expense of discipline, but an intuition for caring and receiving care. envious of their ease and the abundance of examples they could emulate. Falling in love was easy for me but I sought freedom in fraught places and tested its boundaries. Asking for freedom commercializes it –– it becomes free-range chicken rather than just chicken, just living.

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ad-venturism · 18 days

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I don't want to be chocolate melting in a pot, I want to be a wedge of corn, a wedge of carrot, to infect the water with my flavor, keep my kernels, colors, a crisp bite, to build flavor instead of being the flavor, blended in an indistinguishable creaminess. I'd rather sit and stew like a rehydrating mushroom than go crazy in a blender.

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ad-venturism · 19 days

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I bowed down then bent at my knees before I cried at your feet nested at your lap as if your two thighs were a pair of bosoms I never drank from, bracing your calves like a bouquet, only you are not a vision of alcatraces, and I am weak from hours away from the sun, with black hair too short to braid but a thick knot in my breath, you are stoic, unmoving, a column of justice as dangerous as a stiff building in an earthquake. the earth shifts, and one day I will be an island.

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ad-venturism · 20 days

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fear of abandonment –– to be abandoned, or to abandon? defensive, so as not to be hurt, or cautious to not be cruel? I was both the subjected and the provocateur. some people are afraid of feeling the pain alone. some share the feeling, some share the pain, so it could be felt. a hand can greet or grasp frantically at another's hand that will eventually retreat to its own body. to have enough power to not be a victim, not too much to be violent.

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ad-venturism · 21 days

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eat me like tofu, silken tofu, soft tofu, tofu you scoop from a plastic bath at a family-owned supermarket. fried tofu stinky fried tofu with pickled cabbage. tofu skins in a stir fry or in a soup, steamy, it will fog your vision. be careful, or you will scald your tongue. feel me like a sack of soybeans. eat while you're hungry.

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ad-venturism · 22 days

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creamy testicles its smooth green skin smelled of flowers. be gentle, it bruises easily, opens up to a fruity flesh like a mermaid's abdomen. it fell out of fashion and became fat with a leathery skin like alligator pears. the buttery belly is a delicacy, a lubricant of meaty delights.

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ad-venturism · 23 days

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what if, I am full of desire but lack discipline, desperate for things I don't yet deserve. dillydallying yet demanding, daydreaming without a deadline, driving, full of distractions, dedicated without direction, full of desire to be fulfilled.

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ad-venturism · 24 days

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the magic is in the work and love is not a perpetual state of enthusiasm. in the right light, with the right distractions, and a certain belief, I will give up my mind to be read. people are warmer mirrors that reflect –– and project. when love becomes a project, it invites a deadline.

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