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"Wish we were"- Stucky: soulmate au

-26/04/2021

Steve traced the star on his left forearm. The same would be on his (hopefully) future wife. He should’ve felt relief; he was lucky to even have a soulmark. However, he couldn’t help but feel like he’d be burdening her; never embodying the man she truly wanted. He’d never be the man he wanted: 6 foot (so probably taller than them) and muscular. Like Bucky.

He wanted to be Bucky. Everyone liked Bucky. Unfortunately, even he liked Bucky (in a platonic way). How couldn’t he; Bucky was perfect. Whoever had him as a soulmate would be very lucky. Yet the mere thought of Bucky having a soulmate left an insatiable pit in his stomach.

Once Bucky began knocking he knew it was going to be the first time. The first time he’d see Bucky’s soulmark.

At first, he thought the exchange would be sensual— something to symbolise the depth of their friendship— now, it filled him with dread, knowing his best friend might eventually leave him. Not physically, but spiritually. Soon Bucky would meet someone at his level, a level higher than Steve could reach (though someone who is 5”4 can’t reach much).

Bucky smirked, wiggling his eyebrows as Steve left the bathroom. Steve blushed, one would assume it was due to embarrassment, however, it was because of that goddamn smirk. If only he could smirk like that, when he smirked he looked like a puppy (a cute little puppy). Ignorant to the fact that Bucky was implying something “private” had happened in the span of 10 minutes.

“C’mon, birthday boy, I won't be young forever.” Bucky swung his arm over Steve, leading him into his bedroom.

“Sure, how old are you?” Steve feigned curiosity, “almost sixty, maybe seventy?”

Bucky punched Steve’s feeble arm, “Punk.” He chuckled once he saw Steve’s boyish grin. It was cute, and somewhat fitting for Steve.

“Jerk. Besides, I can’t control the fact that you're seventeen going on seventy.” Bucky ruffled Steve’s hair, before shoving him onto the bed. Steve began laughing; his contagious laughter had Bucky creasing. The joke wasn’t even that funny. It definitely wasn’t worth the almost asthma attack.

Bucky sighed, satisfied by the pressure leaving his abdomen. He wiped the tears out of his eyes, before pulling Steve— who was still somewhat struggling to breathe up off his back. Luckily, that made it easier for Steve to begin breathing again.

“You okay, buddy?” Concerned for his friend, Bucky rubbed Steve’s back. Strangely, it upset Bucky that laughter harmed Steve, probably because Bucky preferred the sound of Steve’s laughter over his. And how was he meant to conceal his own laughter without Steve’s.

“Holy fork,” Steve breathed out, “I think I just lost seventy years of my life.” That breath was somewhat relieving for Steve seeing as it seemed Bucky had forgotten what they were meant to be doing.

“Anyways, back to the matter at hand: Soulmarks.” He’d spoken too soon.

Bucky began pulling the sleeve on his left arm, ready to show Steve his soulmark.

“Wait!” Steve yelled, desperation resonated in his voice. Bucky was a good listener, and was always (usually) honest, yet Steve was unable to explain his fears to him. What was he supposed to say, “Sorry Buck, I’m scared that you’ll finally leave me, even though you didn’t when you had the chance. And get this, you’d leave me for a girl. Imagine, you'd ditch your best friend for a girl, crazy right?.” Sadly, that would be weird.

“Bucky, I—” Steve paused, “What if she doesn’t love me?” Steve refused to look Bucky in the eyes, embarrassed by his childish question.

“Maybe she won’t, but you’ll still have me.”

“Asshole, you're meant to be comforting me.” Unbeknownst to Bucky, his statement actually was comforting.

“Trust me, you’re irresistible.” Bucky chuckled, ruffling Steve’s hair and pinching his cheeks. Steve attempted to fix his hair, even though Bucky was the only person there.

However— since Steve has twigs for arms— his sleeves slipped down, bunching up at his elbows. Bucky caught a glimpse of his forearm, seeing a familiar star on Steve: his soulmark.

Bucky smiled smugly at Steve. Steve jokingly glared at Bucky.

“Thank you for the inconvenience, have a nice day.” Steve flashed an almost unnaturally large grin, before it went down to his standard smile.

“Okay Stevie you want some advice. I know your soulmate adores you.” Steve put up his finger, ready to intervene. “Don’t.”

Bucky inwardly groaned, when Steve began to speak, “But my gut—”

“Your gut’s broken. I guess all the punches it took really did some damage.”

“If my gut’s broken, then so is my soulmark.” Bucky felt offended, unable to speak, before Steve continued, “I mean I don’t deserve one; it’d be a waste.”

“You know what’s a waste? Your self-doubt.”

“But—”

“Steven Rogers, shut up for a minute and listen. Anybody would adore you. The puppy mimicking the guard dog personality is adorable. And look at those big blue eyes, they’re like— ” Bucky paused, taking a moment to collect himself, “What I am about to say is embarrassing? You can’t tell anyone I said this, am I clear.”

“Crystal.” Steve said without skipping a beat.

“Crystals. They’re like crystals in the morning sky. And your hair is soft, women will be dying to run their fingers through it. There’s still so much, like your smile, and how it makes you...” Bucky sighed before muttering “beautiful.”

Mesmerised Steve looked down, concealing the lovestruck grin that overtook his face. On the other hand, Bucky was internally scolding himself for being so open about his emotions.

“Bucky...” Awkwardly scratching the back of his head, Steve continued, “thank you. Uuuh...You look neat.”

“That was anticlimactic.”

“Shut up, Buck.” Steve shoved Bucky, though he barely made a dent. Bucky just laughed it off. Leaving some empty space between their words, tension mistaken for awkwardness.

“Anyways...” Bucky said, diminishing all tension, “soulmarks?”

Steve froze, somehow unable to form a sentence. This was it: the moment he was waiting for; the moment that was tormenting him for the past ten minutes; the moment that left him speechless.

Until, “Soulmarks,” left his mouth. ‘Let’s just get it over with.’

Steve rolled his sleeve up as Bucky began to remove his jacket. Although, wearing a jacket in summer was seemingly unnecessary, it made him look amazing. They say girls like “bad boys”, and Bucky seemed like just the forbidden fruit. However, a small part of Steve wished he didn't. On Bucky’s arm lay the same mark that Steve saw earlier.

Was this it? The feeling was not different from what he usually felt around Bucky. He didn’t think life’s questions would be answered,he would see God, or he would develop some supernatural abilities. But he thought he’d at least feel different. Happier maybe. Maybe sadder, not just numb. All the preparation he made didn’t prepare him for this. That Bucky was his soulmate.

How would people react? Yes people knew that what soulmate you got wasn’t a choice, but that doesn’t mean people wouldn’t try to blame you. Although religion didn't really back up the possibility of soulmates, doesn't mean it wasn't used against certain groups of soulmates. A false notion presented to people about soulmates was that they were based off of your life experiences, as if the soulmate you got was forced upon you by a karmic justice system.

But Steve didn't deserve this, not the karma, but Bucky. He wanted to deserve this, he really did, but he just couldn’t. He’d always found Bucky unbelievably attractive, and he usually ignored it. He usually went to church and prayed, always left with more questions. Bucky wasn’t that religious so he was probably not thinking these thoughts. He couldn’t do this, it just wasn’t right, to lead on Bucky.

On the other hand, Bucky was having his own discourse, there was nothing stopping him from pursuing Steve, other than Steve. However, Steve and him had history, years of friendship down the drain. It was either a relationship or a broken friendship. Even with this it felt like it'll all end up in flames. There were no good endings.

“I think you should go,” Steve whispered, shuffling to the door opening it for Bucky.

“Yeah,” Bucky choked out, trying to delay his departure. “I’ll see you.”

“I guess… Bye Buck.”

“Bye Steve.”

Once Bucky had left, Steve felt nothing. As if all his distress and passion had moulded together and cancelled each other out, leaving an overwhelming amount of apathy.

Steve wanted to cry, he wanted to tear the soulmark off his arm, ripping it apart, forgetting this ever even happened. He wanted to just walk away and stay with Bucky, the way they were. But how would Bucky feel? Anticipating the first time he’d meet his soulmate, only for the unpredictable to happen. It just wasn't right— it didn’t feel right. All he could was suppress it, until he saw Bucky next.

Note: I spent over a year writing this, I had the idea ages ago and I finally finished it. I'm sorry about the end dudes. But yeah this is my first time writing stuff like this. I hope people enjoy.

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #marvel #stucky #gay #fanfiction #mcu #captain america #soulmate au #au #alternate universe #Angst #marvel angst #soulmarks #tfatws #oneshot #winter soldier

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