chaoticdeadly

[chaoticdeadly]

l'inetto (overthinking)

<<I noticed something in these miserable years of my life, especially in high school. But in order to better explain my example to you, I need you to consider Pascoli's philosophy on the Fanciullino. Unfortunately I am not as inept as Zeno Cosini, I miss that conceit, that arrogance that despite his inferiority to society because of his anti-social behavior, he manages to feel superior through his culture. Unfortunately, I am not Pirandello's victor who through panism and madness succeeds in detaching himself from society by having his true self merge with nature thus annihilating his social self. I still can't be that crazy man I want to be. To be able to name that Divine Indifference of which Montale spoke in his poems. Not the vanquished Pirandello who, through humor or intelligence, managed to make his way in society, as he did in Patente or Uno, Nessuno e Centomila. I can’t see two magnets moving away from each other without touching each other and not being amazed by an invisible energy moving objects as we often see on TV, seeing a chemical reaction, even the most banal, even seeing a flame changing color according to the metal burning, I can’t help but be amazed. It doesn't matter how many times I see the house of Pirandello, the causes, it doesn't matter how many times I see the theatre of Regina Margherita di Girgenti, I can't help but feel an inconceivable enthusiasm. That's because I'm like a child discovering for the first time what life means. Enter a bookstore and see the works of Agatha Cristie, Montale, Ovidio, Machiavelli, Parini, Cassandra Clare, and get excited as if it were the first time I saw them. Looking at the sea with an unthinkable sense of nostalgia, as if I hadn't seen it for years and that was my last day. I can't help but get excited about the things I love, with that hint of euphoria and ecstasy, which make me so happy. I feel like a child who discovers again and again and again the world also and revisits the same things over and over again. For me, reading, observing, studying is a reason for happiness. How do I hide such emotions? I can’t for sure, Freud said that the I am not is not a landlord of its own but must rely on uncertain news from someone or something it doesn’t know. We don't control our emotions and our thoughts. And I'm happy with very little. But the truth is that none of this exists and never can exist. As soon as I look around, at the height of my amazement and enthusiasm, I can't help but see the eyes of my teachers and students, my friends and family, staring at me with that emotion-eating gaze. To meet those stares stunned by my happiness and joy, which they call madness and madness. To hear their accusing voices of my exaggerations, of my senseless scenes only for the pleasure of a teacher, when he too tends to look at me with the same gaze that she looks at me - I shift my gaze to the professor of history -, her cold and accusatory gaze. I cannot help but feel uneasy until anguish takes the place of my happiness and anxiety of joy. My ears, which only wanted to hear the waves of the sea collide against the rocks and the beaches, the tracks tremble when the train arrives, must now try not to listen to those inner voices which cannot be silent and utter a beautiful word. And every time they are tempted to fall into a certain melancholy, thinking how wrong I was to accept the proposal to leave my comfort zones, the walls of that dusty library, the beloved solitude. My happiness is annoying, it's disgusting, it's annoying. They still look at me like I'm crazy. I would love to continue to be, I would like to let them think that, because I'm proud of it, I would like to be the victor who comes out of society like a madman and is free to see the world through the eyes of a child without ever having to worry about the world around him. I would like to be happy without my anxiety or those looks, killing me. I am inept because I do not conform to society because my happiness is different from that of others, my happiness is somehow wrong, although it is not my fault. >>

[chaoticdeadly]

#steven universe #steven universe fanart #fantasy world #fantasy #garnet #quartz #crystals #amethyst #rose quartz #bismuth

[chaoticdeadly]

A monstrous being with an atrocious appearance. It walked over the corpses of demons fallen from the mountain of purgatory while its right eye was filled with flames. It did not last long until the flames expanded halfway down his face until the sparks devoured his arm as easily. His arm stopped at the wrist, for the hand was now only a mass of amorphous flesh. The blood of the soulless bodies awakened a shadow that caught the eye, rendering it blank. That slimy, silent shadow began to cover the other arm, no longer able to distinguish the arm from the absolute void. The amorphous hand turned into an axe covered in blue and red flames as the black sand the shadow left behind destroyed everything in its presence. There he was, the monster of which the nightmares told, a being without form or appearance, eaten by flames and darkness, child of hell and nothingness.

#horror #death #fantasy #dark fantasy #fantasy world #angels and demons #war

[chaoticdeadly]

Daniel: DO YOU KNOW WHY I DO ALL THIS? DO YOU KNOW WHY I KEEP TALKING ABOUT THE THINGS I DO? WHY DO I KEEP DOING EVERYTHING? why do i never choose? why can't i do without hating myself?

Vlad: w-what?

Daniel: n-no matter how much I do, what I do or why I do it I can't think it's enough. It is not the best and it will never be the best because I am not capable of giving my best. I write books, I write programmes, I study literature, I study theology, I study physics, mathematics, chemistry, psychology, sociology, I read every fucking literary genre. AND DO YOU KNOW WHY I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT THE THINGS I DO? BECAUSE I HOPE MY SICK MIND UNDERSTANDS THAT WHAT I DO IS NOT A FEW THINGS AND I HOPE IT WILL STOP…. PUNISHING ME

Vlad: Daniel, you shouldn't- being interrupted by Daniel's screams

Daniel: I SHOULDN'T, BUT IT DOES HAPPEN. I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING, KNOW EVERYTHING. BUT THAT'S NOT ENOUGH, BECAUSE I WILL GO TO BED AND THEN I WILL WAKE UP WITH THE SAME WILL TO CRIEVE, TO NOT GET UP. Every morning I wake up, hoping that today my mind can see that I am doing something useful. I SPEAK BECAUSE I HOPE I BELIEVE THE THINGS I SAY. If I keep quiet I would suffer anyway, because the tears would kill me as soon as my lips felt that salty, wet taste.

Vlad: DANIEL CALM DOWN, YOU CAN'T-

Daniel: YES, I CAN. I CAN DO ANYTHING, I CAN SCREAM, I CAN CRIME, I CAN INSULT, BECAUSE I FUCKINGLY DESERVE IT, AT LEAST THIS.

a silence covers Daniel's screams causing Vlad to look down

Daniel: ahahaha, you know the funny thing, that I can't stop hating myself. I hate my body, I hate my laughter now killed by my past traumas, I hate my carrater, I hate everything I do and everything I say, I feel so much hatred and disgust towards myself that when I look in the mirror I can't help but have an anxiety attack, without feeling a black hole devouring my stomach, without feeling the lack of air, without feeling the beating of my heart break through my chest like a jackhammer. But you know what, by now I'm used to being alone.

#sad quotes #original character #fear of abandonment #feelings #i feel like crying #i feel so stupid #i feel awful #webdesign #i feel numb

[chaoticdeadly]

I have a banal question: What is "Love"? What mean fall in love?

I would like a friend to hang out with and laugh. I would like a best friend to drink and have fun with. I would like a sister, to take care of me. I would like a child, who I can take care of.

I would like a girl to laugh with before we kiss, to smile as my arms hold her close to me. I want a girl with whom I can go from angry screams to gasps and moans and then back to laughing as our lips touch.

I want to be anxious, afraid, feeling jealous and possessive. Afraid of losing her just as she is afraid of losing me. Fear of not being enough for her just as she does not feel enough for me. Fear of not feeling her close to me, of no longer feeling her smell, her hands on my face, on my shoulders, on my shoulders, on my back, on my body.

I do not know how to love, I am afraid to love, I am afraid to fall in love, I am afraid to suffer, I am afraid to be happy. Because there is nothing more painful than seeing the person you love suffer due to you.

#love poem #foot lover #i love you #love his smile #love him #love her #love is love #artwork #art #feelings #fear of abandonment #fear me #hades fanart #greek mitology

[chaoticdeadly]

The mistake of loving

The story of two lovers in love as the sky is with the earth, as the stars are with the night, as the sun is with the moon. Two lovers who went through hell to be able to return tightly in the arms of their love.

But that damned look. But that damned fear…. But that damned love….

It was the very love one felt for the other that drove them apart forever. She stuck in hell with the other souls, he alive on earth playing for her for the rest of his life.

[chaoticdeadly]

Anderson: The Nightingale

The tale of a nightingale whose song succeeded in attracting the whole of China to the banks of a river, to the doorstep of a royal garden, near the harbour of a humble fisherman.

A nightingale whose song succeeded in moving death. A nightingale wounded by man's pride and avarice. A nightingale that saved the man by whom it was wounded and used as a tourist attraction.

The bird that brought Life and Death together, reminding us what happiness and perfection were.

"Nature, music, art, writing, are the weapons that make a man immortal. He just hasn't realised it yet."

#fairytale #books #books & libraries #dreams #war #music #natural beaty #inlove #death #happiness #feelings