shaadidevereaux

[shaadidevereaux]

Black, Trans, Dimensional Care

People have a hard time with different worlds. Like the fact there was indeed a world that does not want to touch me or make landing on my skin. That one is (most) easiest for people....Fear. We are a culture very literate in fear.

It is often hard for them to accept that there is also a world where I am loved. Wanted. Desired, here meaning "reached for." Sometimes this world peeks from beyond the shore and sometimes it grabs my feet before returning to sea. At others it rolls like an angry storm on a small beach. Swallowing.

That there could be two worlds and even more in between...that there was more than "reality" and "real genders" was frightening for us all.

Whats more? That sometimes these two worlds could exist in the same place. Colliding in the same mind. An asteroid of two faces, both destroying everything that was and still breathing desire. And that was most confusing of all. The emerging evolution from the chaos. It accounted for all the back and forth...

The asteroid of my body in the path of your small planet filled with hungry creatures and toothy hearts.

I tried not to take the confused attempt at space travel personally.

For now, this would have to suffice as "forgiveness."

[shaadidevereaux]

Naranja

I reflect a lot on strangeness.

On whether a body like mine is pleasurable.

Able to give and receive.

I reflect on what bodies are considered harmonious. Acceptable. Allowable to open with the summer.

Bikinis and tank tops.

How love is afforded easily when you are pleasing to these concepts,

whether or not these are real "sexualities,"

how "validation" can be a sexuality of its own,

and how families and communities are built on these things.

On love and what is possible within the time I was born in.

How I am often cut down with the scent of orange blossom.

How freshly cut, it is almost impossible to bear fruit.

#prose #transgender

[shaadidevereaux]

Reversed Queen of Swords:

Lilith in Gemini

The men all take two more steps

back from her body, door to the Underworld, when she speaks

Years of patience at watching her Mother's hurt

are wasted in seconds

beyond repair,

a dragon uncurled around her waist

where she refused.

Its mouth blowing fire

the now blackened silk of patriarchal ego

They never were going to give her anything anyway

they simply wanted her to fawn

while she bled.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #transgender #dark aesthetic #patriarchy #lilith

[shaadidevereaux]

Doors

There are seven doors to the Underworld. The Goddess smashes each of their bolts to find her way home to the shadow of her grief.

They say it takes a woman seven times to leave an abusive relationship.

In the haunted house of him I tipped over the seven wicked lamp.

It’s oil and flame clattered across the floor.

His dark hair,

His soft face melted into the curls of black smoke rising from my heart:

"I forgive myself."

[shaadidevereaux]

Disoriented Evolution

I can never tell if Im three years

too late

or three years

too early.

If I should've fought

early

or I screamed too soon.

My anger is disoriented

as is my evolution.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #transgender #gothic #goth

[shaadidevereaux]

Want & Abuse.

I let go of it.

But people also wanted me not to want it.

To see how valuable I was. That my want was an offense.

Instead, I gave it up while the want was still there. That accounted for my frantic nature. The prying of my own fingers from my mind. The restless nights and bags beneath my eyes.

The withdrawal.

I could see how it would destroy my life. I didn't want to be one of those girls. Who sees that a thing is destroying her and clings to it anyway. I didn't want to be a loosely chained woman between a sharp rock and a devil and call it love.

How do you describe to people that you still want the thing even though it is destroying you? I opened my hands, but my eyes were still clenched tight with want and an abstraction of desire.

Do you think thats enough for a prayer?

It was at least enough for survival.

#spilled ink #dark academia #poetry #prose #reflections #patriarchy #light academia #transgender #survival

[shaadidevereaux]

Entity

I remember when you bathed in my shores

and the children laughed

When you brought them to me

and I birthed them between your legs.

When I drowned white men

as you hid beneath the bank

Iron and blood tied around your ankle.

I remember my love taking flesh

when I could no longer drown them

because they surrounded me with a city.

And submerging you in my heart, instead.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #transgender #colonialism

[shaadidevereaux]

Hungry.

My Grandmother, the human.

Pot of navy beans on the stove

Girl children ghosts screaming on her hips

Demanding sweets and shaking tables.

Me silent, until the rage fills the roof of my mouth

just to make sure I dont disappear

and burns me raw.

Now I am also shaking tables

convinced that only ghosts are loved.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #dark aesthetic #goth

[shaadidevereaux]

Oasis

I am no longer a haunting.

Ghosts cling, often because they are afraid.

I was once afraid of the world.

I was afraid that I would be crushed by its weight against women like me. Forbidden. Black. Trans. Inviting of destruction.

Pressed beneath the Underworld of this rejection of human. Of denial of life. I blossomed. For the Underworld, you see, is not only a place of Death. But of transformation and riches.

From the immense wealth of my body, I blossomed in the desert, like a night flower in a cow's skull.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #prose #dark academia #gothic #american gothic #goth #transgender #light academia

[shaadidevereaux]

Venus in Pisces

Learning to be more comfortable with what God has stripped me from because thats also love,

maybe even the highest form.

I am a transgender, Black woman with dark skin.

The world rarely belongs to something small like me.

This too is love, opening my hands,

The greatest kind.

#transgender #poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #astrology #vedic astrology #light academia #padma lakshmi #lakshmi #saraswati

[shaadidevereaux]

Unguarded

There are a thousand mouths offering advice

about how women like you should always know better

On how to keep yourself from the harm of men

As if your skin were a guarded fort.

My body is not a locked car.

An unentered house.

I am flesh

and thank God

I am able to be wounded.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #light academia #patriarchy #feminism

[shaadidevereaux]

Samhain

There is a lesson in heartbreak

Not from demons issuing forth

or contracts with Devils

but from the entrance of light

when there is no recourse

but God in Holy Flight.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #light academia #goth #astrology

[shaadidevereaux]

Dangerous Liaisons

I'm starting to question whether I can ever truly be understood emotionally & romantically.

The way cishetero people construct an unquestionable reality about how they view & interpret bodies...and lock the rest of life out...

It's such a lonely and cut-throat system of category & apportioned love.

It invades everything.

#transgender #reflections #dark academia #goth #heterosexism #heteronormativity #lgbtq #cisgender #cissexism #gender essentialism

[shaadidevereaux]

Entrenched

Everyday we repeat colonial values and ideologies,

as if it were the only thing that could ever exist.

As if you believe they are a part of your skin.

What it means to be a man, woman, human.

There is a lesson

in snakes.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #patriarchy #colonialism

[shaadidevereaux]

Hope

Her knuckles tight around the small blue pills

I pleaded with her

to stay.

Like water,

They poured through the cracks in her fingers

Alive.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #light academia #goth #dark aesthetic

[shaadidevereaux]

Photogenic

I am transgender.

Black.

My skin, oil dark.

I have never been captured in a man's photos as a memory of love,

There was a time I thought my body a vampire.

I didn't know my beauty was a lunacy

That I am like the Moon

It is hard to capture me in a photo.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #goth #light academia #transgender #black women #beauty #love

[shaadidevereaux]

Luminary

I am confused.

Though some will convince you it is insanity

It is okay to be a momentary lunatic

It is okay to hang light in the sky at night.

To turn flesh into fur.

Though there are many men

who would call you "crazy" for it.

#poetry #original poem #poets on tumblr #dark academia #patriarchy #light academia #goth