superlintball

[superlintball]

So Charlie totally inherited Lucifer's forked tongue, right?

[superlintball]

Diary Entry 2/7/24

Dear [qpr],

What the fuck. What the actual fuck.

I just.

What?

You sent me a letter detailing how you're in love with me and also hate my partner and closed it off with telling me how you know that you've just touched on my biggest insecurities and it's okay to hate me.

But... you didn't.

Yes, I'm angry, but my immediate and most pronounced emotion was, frankly, bewilderment.

In the immortal words of one of my favorite YouTube videos, "Good lord, that's remarkable. And completely wrong. Everything you said. Was wrong."

Jesus fuck, every single assumption and every single guess you made in that letter was completely incorrect, and I'm just bewildered. Clearly, you don't know me as well as you think you do.

Honestly, apparently you don't know me as well as I thought you did.

Twas wild.

Let's go through the whole thing, shall we?

First, let's start with me.

You are in a committed, functionally monogamous, relationship

No? I'm not? You do understand that the whole point of a QPR is that it's a platonic relationship that's just as deep as a romantic one, right? Like that's the definition of it. Yes, I only have one romantic partner, but I spend half my time at your place. That's not monogamy, you fucking dumbass. Genuinely, it took my partner a while to come around on you, entirely because our relationship is so deep. So fuck you for that one, I guess.

And beyond that, the only reason I'm not dating anyone else is just that I'm lazy. You know that right? Like I've been thinking about making a dating profile for a while, but I don't want to deal with the awful experience of dating apps. I tend to ghost anyone who wants to hook up on Lex because we start talking about logistics and I just get tired. That's literally it. [Partner] is the same way; I'd love it if they hooked up with someone but they just aren't up to it either. lmao

My guess is that you “cheated” on [partner]. For months. With [ex]. My guess is you either didn’t tell [ex] about [partner], or [partner] about [ex]. Or both.

This is where the genuine bewilderment comes in.

Because... no.

Also side note: why did you put quotes around "cheated"? Do you think it's not cheating if you personally don't like my partner? The fuck is that about?

Anyway.

Do you know what my deepest fear is? idk if it counts as an insecurity but it's definitely my deepest fear.

My deepest fear is losing the trust of someone I love. It's having someone that I care about decide I'm not as reliable as they once thought, or that they can't always believe what I say, or that I won't keep their secrets. It's the idea that they can't trust me anymore.

Trust is the most important thing in the world to me, so much more than love.

So the idea. That you. A person whom I thought knew me pretty fucking well. Would think. That I would lie. To my partner. For months. Is FUCKING INSANE.

I was gobsmacked reading that.

You're not wrong in that I did cheat on [partner] with [ex], but it's not how you think. Because I convinced myself that I wasn't.

There was never a point where either of them didn't know about the other.

My relationship with [ex] was completely platonic until I had a long conversation with them and also [partner] and we decided to try it out. Because I'd known for a long time that I was polyamorous.

The problem was that I could tell that it was hard for [partner], so I didn't give them details. That was how I cheated. [Partner] wanted us to go slow, so I didn't tell them how fast [ex] and I were moving. [Ex] wanted us to move quickly, so I didn't tell them how slowly [partner] wanted us to move.

And I convinced myself that this was okay because I was just protecting their feelings by not giving the gory details, so I didn't technically do anything wrong.

Was I wrong? Absolutely.

But at the end of the day, what happened was that I failed to communicate and hurt both of my partners very deeply in the process.

[Ex] and I only explicitly dated for like, maybe 3 weeks. At some point, [partner] asked me point-blank for all the details, and I, having convinced myself that I hadn't done anything wrong, told them everything, because I would never lie to them.

And they looked at me and said that I had disrespected their boundaries and gone much further than they were comfortable with. That that was cheating.

And I was like "well shit. Yeah, you're right."

So yes, I did cheat. But no, it was not a form of self-sabotage. No it was not for months. And no, I did not explicitly lie to my partner for months. What the actual fuck.

God, I have so many fucking thoughts.

No, [partner] is not taking advantage of me.

How DARE you accuse them of that.

What are you even BASING this off of? The fact that you've met them all of FIVE TIMES? The fact that for over half of the time we've known each other, you've completely shut down every time I mention them? WHERE ARE YOU MAKING THIS ASSUMPTION FROM?

Or maybe it's your trauma? It's the fact that you have experienced being wildly mentally ill and disabled and yet still forcing yourself to keep going and find a way to make things work without asking for help? You can only fathom someone finding that help as doing so maliciously?

It's fucking bullshit.

I had to fight to get [partner] to let me take care of them financially.

They refused.

For years, they refused.

And I watched them suffer for it. They have no family at all, no safety net. They tried to force themselves through college, and failed. They tried to force themselves to work, and broke their body doing it.

It was miserable. I couldn't bear to watch.

And at every turn, I asked if I could help. Please, dear god, let me help you. Let me in. Let me be someone you can lean on.

And finally, slowly but surely, after 3 years of dating and 4 years of knowing each other, they let me be someone they leaned on.

How. Fucking. Dare. You. Accuse them of maliciousness.

They would be out there. Right now. Continuing to break their body to pay half of our expenses if I hadn't fought tooth and nail to convince them to let me support them financially.

I've spent so many therapy sessions dissecting my relationship with them. I've talked with them so many times about it.

We've worked through it. You tell me that you can pass judgment because you were homeless while dating a doctor?

What if I said that YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.

This isn't me saying that you should have asked for help. This is me saying that your partner should have seen that you were homeless and found a way to help you. To convince you that you could lean on them, could let them in and let them support you. That you didn't have to go it alone. That your worth is not connected to your ability to work. That they should have fought to make you as happy as they could.

But we already know that I hate your exes, don't we?

Anyway, when everything exploded with [partner] about [ex], they broke up with me.

I don't think they'd have done that if they were using me for my money, would they have?

I fought so hard to earn back their trust.

That was what got me into therapy.

For the better part of three months, every therapy session I had was working through my emotions, figuring out how I felt, why I missed them, whether I wanted them back, all that shit.

So yeah, I know exactly how I'd feel if we broke up.

And I promise that yes, I would actually miss them.

And also that I'll be okay. Losing [cat] won't be the end of the world. Yes, it'd suck, but I've already experienced the idea of her not being in my life, and fun fact: the idea of [partner] not being there was a lot worse.

Another fun fact: I actually am not insecure about whether or not I can find a romantic partner.

I have absolute confidence that if [partner] and I were to break up tomorrow, I wouldn't be alone for the rest of my life. Even if I hate myself, even if I think I'm ugly, I've managed to internalize that inexplicably, people find me attractive.

I know I'll be okay if we break up.

Relationships aren't transactional, but to be clear, what do I get from them? Joy. I get to see them smile, and laugh. I get to know what they're interested in and what they're listening to. I get to eat their cooking and share in their culture. I get someone who will teach me about plants and lean into my stupid bits. I get someone who makes me laugh. I get to be in love with my favorite person.

Also fun fact: they do a lot more emotional labor for me than I do for them. Also what makes you think I send them thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat? I've literally never done that. They've never asked me to. They never would. They feel so guilty about every cent I spend on them.

Sigh.

Every single guess you made about me, every single assumption and claim you made about [partner], was completely and utterly incorrect.

And I'm extremely angry at the way you perceive [partner].

They have tried so hard to develop a relationship with you despite the fact that you refuse to engage with them. They send you gifts and recommend things through me. They ask about your cats and how you are doing. They try so hard to care about you JUST BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU. And they trust my judgment in people, so if I think you're the shit, then that's all they need to like you.

Why can't you do the same?

How dare you hate them, based on no information whatsoever

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT THEY DESERVE WORSE THAN TO BE CHEATED ON FOR MONTHS.

I'm done being passive about this.

I was hoping that slowly but surely I'd be able to develop your relationship so you could be friends.

Clearly, that's not going to happen.

I'm not going to cut you out of my life. I'm not going to give you an ultimatum.

But I can't be your best friend if this is how you perceive my partner, who's done absolutely nothing wrong.

You need to fix this.

Fucking hell

[superlintball]

where did the term “lesbian” come from

Lesbians were long thought to have been named after the isle of Lesbos, home of the poetess Sappho who wrote in praise of women. Modern studies however suggest that this is inaccurate, as most lesbians have their own individual names.

[superlintball]

ELDRITCH DRAGON

by Maximiliano Moretto

[superlintball]

Some of my art from 2016 ~

Sometimes I greatly miss my former style and the feeling I put into my old art.

[superlintball]

my first ever dnd character🥺 her name is Olga and she is not a good person

[superlintball]

Wayne has been... interesting over the last few chapters and really this whole book.

Firstly I do think it's strong characterization for him to easily espouse and laud the greatness of Wax and Marasi while writing himself off. Proceeding to basically solve the entire apartment scene and downplay his accomplishments.

Wayne not only has a strong disdain for himself, but like many people in similar headspaces as him, he is not only unable to acknowledge his own positive attributes but is quick to actively downplay himself for the raising of others.

I doubt I am the first to see there's a strong connection between Wayne's power of bring sickly and unhealthy to then be the one taking punishment and intentionally being harmed to draw attention away from friends. It's like the allomantic equivalent of self-deprecating humor, which he is also consistently using, see again, the apartment scene.

Wayne is blinding rich, but lives a poor man's because he thinks he deserves it.

Wayne is constantly joking in his head about drinking because he's constantly thinking about drinking.

Wayne has the ability to slow down time, to create moments where there are none and yet he has defined the entirety of his life by a split second decision made by a parentless kid 25 years ago.

Wayne is so antagonistic towards Steris (she'll change Wax), so loathing of himself because not only can he not let go, he can't accept change in general.

If Wax is a positive side of Ruin, of change, it feels to me like can be Wayne is the toxicity of Preservation.

This is super rambly but I hadn't posted in a while and felt like these brainworms would be enjoyed.

[superlintball]

Oh my god I thought this was hilarious and absurd but then I remembered that when I first showed my partner Code Geass, they thought they had an idea of what they were getting into and then were absolutely FLOORED to discover it's a mecha anime

JO I’ve been seeing you post about one piece for so long and felt like I knew everything about the thing but I just started watching opla and why did I NEVER know that luffy was a stretchy bastard what a jumpscare

that is probably one of the funniest things to not get spoiled before going in. surprise!!! he stretch!!!

#but seriously NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT #i mean when was the last time you saw fanart or promo of code geass characters IN THEIR MECH #same goes for luffy stretching like wtf #code gass #anime #one piece

[superlintball]

I'm sorry but this was too funny to leave in the notes

One of my absolute favorite things about the Mistborn series (era 1, specifically) is the bait-and-switch of the overarching plot.

Like, you go into it and you're like, "Yeah, okay. I'm reading one of the Big Fantasy Trilogies of the modern era. Hell yeah. What's this all about?"

And so you read. You get introduced to the characters, the magic system, and, most importantly, the central conflict: it's an assassination plot.

Clearly, the whole trilogy is going to be about finding a way to kill the god-emperor of the cruel and oppressive regime, and the final book will have them overthrow him and everything will Be Good.

"Of course that's what will happen," you think to yourself. "That's a pretty standard narrative structure."

So you keep reading.

But as you read the book, something doesn't feel right. The pacing seems... Off. Isn't this book moving too quickly?

And then, as you get around the second act of the book, it hits you all at once.

"Are they... Are they gonna successfully assassinate the Lord Ruler?? IN THE FIRST BOOK??"

It sure looks like it.

SO WHAT THE HELL ARE THE OTHER TWO BOOKS GONNA BE ABOUT.

#mistborn #cosmere #tag yourself im shapeshifter politics

[superlintball]

One of my absolute favorite things about the Mistborn series (era 1, specifically) is the bait-and-switch of the overarching plot.

Like, you go into it and you're like, "Yeah, okay. I'm reading one of the Big Fantasy Trilogies of the modern era. Hell yeah. What's this all about?"

And so you read. You get introduced to the characters, the magic system, and, most importantly, the central conflict: it's an assassination plot.

Clearly, the whole trilogy is going to be about finding a way to kill the god-emperor of the cruel and oppressive regime, and the final book will have them overthrow him and everything will Be Good.

"Of course that's what will happen," you think to yourself. "That's a pretty standard narrative structure."

So you keep reading.

But as you read the book, something doesn't feel right. The pacing seems... Off. Isn't this book moving too quickly?

And then, as you get around the second act of the book, it hits you all at once.

"Are they... Are they gonna successfully assassinate the Lord Ruler?? IN THE FIRST BOOK??"

It sure looks like it.

SO WHAT THE HELL ARE THE OTHER TWO BOOKS GONNA BE ABOUT.

#cosmere #mistborn #brandon sanderson #okay but like #this is one of my favorite things about the books #AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE #because it's such a spoiler for the first book and no one in my life has read it

[superlintball]

Give a bored human a screwdriver and you’ll find a pile of scrap where your ship used to be, with a proud looking human sitting nearby. 

[superlintball]

My best friend blocked me today.

Well, I don't know if it was today, and she also hasn't been my best friend for a few months now.

It hurts though.

It really really hurts when you thought it was over, had come to terms with the fact that you aren't friends anymore but at least you're mutuals? At least I still got to know what was going on in her life.

Maybe it was me posting on my story and her realizing she still followed me.

Maybe it was her being in Seattle and thinking about the fact that I live here.

Idk.

All I know is I went to go check on her because I missed her and I couldn't access her profile.

My single happiest memory was with her. She was my first kiss, my first girlfriend, but more importantly, she was my best friend.

We didn't talk to each other for a few months after we first broke up back in high school. It was excruciating, for both of us. When we started talking again, though, we just pivoted to bring best friends.

I don't think that's gonna happen again.

There was a part of me that had held out hope that maybe one day she'd forgive me, but I guess that hope is gone.

God, it hurts so much.

And I can't tell anyone about this.

Because I'm too fucked in the head from her leaving me to ever open up to anyone ever again.

I'm sure it'll happen though.

It always does.

And whoever I open up to, they'll leave me.

And hurt me.

And make me regret ever opening up to anyone in the first place.

I know it'll happen.

It always does.

[superlintball]

I made a new friend. We've been hanging out non-stop for like two months, and I love him dearly. We get along, he understands me, he's a great cuddler, it's all lovely.

The problem is that it's too good. If you were to put a gun to my head and ask me who my best friend is, it would?? probably be him??

AND THAT'S BAD.

We don't do best friends in this household. My first best friend was in elementary school. Turns out I wasn't his, though. Wanna know how I found out? He moved to another state, and when he came back to visit all his friends, he didn't even tell me. Sigh.

The second time I called someone my best friend, her parents didn't approve. A boy and a girl being friends? In their good Muslim household? SCANDALOUS. But then they found out she was bi, and it got a lot more serious. Because they decided I had corrupted somehow. They threatened to kick her out of the house if she didn't stop talking to me. So I lost her.

My third best friend just kinda decided she didn't need me anymore when she made new friends in college. I don't blame her; we were codependent as fuck, and it was hard for us to navigate a relationship without her needing me to be her social crutch. But still. The harder I tried to hold on to her, the more she slipped away.

My fourth and final best friend broke up with me a couple of months ago. Because I fucked up real bad and I went to her, the only person I knew would always be on my side no matter what. And, well, I guess I was wrong.

Every time I let myself get close to a new person, it always ends the same way. I should keep everyone at arm's length.

So what do I do when I make a new friend who makes me feel safe?

He's just going to hurt me eventually.

He's just going to leave.

I know it.

And yet, I still want to make that connection.

Maybe I'm just a masochist.

[superlintball]

I'm sure there are days when life is good, but I don't think I've had one of those in a long time.

I don't know why I'm so depressed

I don't get it

I have friends

I have financial security

I have hobbies

And yet I just kind of feel like shit?

I don't know

I feel like I should write more than this but at the same time I don't have the energy

It's almost 2am

I haven't showered in a week

I need to clean the litter box

Sigh

[superlintball]

I can't fucking do this anymore.

Why is my life happening in fucking cycles why do the same things keep happening to me over and over

I try so hard to make friends. I try so fucking hard to make connections with people. That's all I want.

And it works.

I put in the work to be a part of a friend group in high school. I put in the work to be a part of a friend group in college. I put in the work to be a part of a friend group as an Adult™.

And every. single. fucking. time. how the fuck am I the one that gets left behind?

If I didn't plan hangouts in high school, our friend group just never hung out and everyone stayed inside and nothing happened. I didn't resent them for it, because it's not like they were making plans without me or anything; they were all just very introverted and stayed inside unless I dragged them out of the house. They never acknowledged that I was the only one that ever planned anything, the glue that kept us together, but I didn't mind. I loved them dearly, and I just wanted to spend time with them.

And yet apparently, some fucking how. I'm not a part of that friend group anymore? HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. It's not like any of them hates me, they just think we've "grown apart." They'll never reach out first. And yet they still hang out with each other. Not in big groups, sure, but many of them are still friends with each other, and somehow, I was the one left behind.

And then I got to college. 10 bucks says you can't guess what happened next. That's right, I made a friend group in my college theatre. I was the one that made that group chat. I was the one that made sure we kept talking and hanging out and getting food in the middle of the night after we were done with our set work. And admittedly, it wasn't just me doing all the work this time. There were others who texted and made plans, and together we made a sizable group, going on trips together, hanging out, etc.

And then they all moved to the north side of campus while I stayed where I was because I already had a lease. Sure, they still liked me. Sure, I was still a part of the friend group. But they made their own group chat with all the people on north campus. They hung out without me. If I showed up to those hangouts, yeah, sure, they welcomed me, but no one noticed when I wasn't there.

And guess fucking what. Now that I've graduated and moved across the country, most of them don't! talk! to! me! any! more!

To be fair, this time, it's not out of the blue. It was valid, and I'm not particularly mad at any of them. But holy shit the fact that I lost another friend group and that they all still talk to each other and hang out is fucking hilarious to me.

And so here we are now. I've been in a new city across the country for 6 months. I reached out and posted openly on Lex. I got 6 people together who didn't know each other. We arranged a weekly board game night. And we all really vibed with each other!

We started hanging out outside of the weekly game, and made a discord server, and it's been great. I had successfully made a third friend group, entirely from scratch, entirely by myself

AND GUESS. FUCKING. WHAT.

I don't know. Maybe it's all in my head. We've only known each other for three months. I was out of town for the past two weeks. Obviously they hung out without me what choice do they have?

But I can't help but notice the inside jokes I don't get. The side conversations I'm not privy to. The times some of them meet up with each wadh other that I only find out about after the fact. It feels like they've all gotten really close with at least one or two others in the group, and I'm just sitting here.

Left behind.

I'm always. fucking. left. behind.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this time, it's different. Maybe this time, it's all in my head.

But at the same time, maybe it isn't.

I don't know. I just don't know.

My therapist told me today that it sounds like I've been lonely my entire life, and it's not exactly easy for me to dispute that.

Anyway, uh, I have like four followers now? I'm sorry if you were expecting more book recommendations. This blog is just a diary. Feel free to unfollow me lmao

#lonely #friends #mourning the relationships we've lost #maybe i'm the problem #fuck me I don't know

[superlintball]

Oh HELL yeah I can't wait

Okay so a friend of mine was getting rid of some books and she offered up a book called The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri

I had never heard of it, so I looked it up, and discovered that it was a fantasy book written by an Indian author which heavily draws from South Asia for its worldbuilding

Needless to say, as an Indian, my interest was piqued, so I told my friend I would indeed like to have it

When I picked it up from her, she mentioned that it wasn't all that great of a book but that she really liked the worldbuilding, and so I went into it with pretty low expectations

What I didn't consider was that my friend is white.

To be fair, I'm not saying she doesn't have a point. Maybe this isn't the most beautiful prose or most intricate plot I've ever read

To be perfectly honest, I don't really care

You see, to her, the cool worldbuilding that she liked was just that: worldbuilding. (No hate to her whatsoever I adore her)

But this is my culture. I didn't even know how much it meant to me to see my culture in my favorite genre of book until it was right in front of me

I couldn't get enough of it

At every chance I got, I was reading

I was in the middle of a vacation and all I wanted to do was keep reading

And then

This happened (mild spoilers for the book):

And I was like ",,, oh??"

I read it again

Then I kept reading

And then a few pages later, this:

OH??????

I just kind of sat there and I processed what I'd just read

And then I took pictures

And then I read it again

And again

And again and again and again

And now I'm just sitting here

I can't

I can't handle this

I'm just sitting here, in the middle of a hotel room, unable to read another page of this book or look away or do anything at all other than stare in wonder

Because it's GAY

I can't handle this

I don't know what to do

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want to curl up into a ball

I want to track down the author and,,, I don't know? Hug her? Kiss her? Thank her? Ask for her autograph? Stand there grinning like an idiot? Offer her my services as a court jester? Kneel at her feet and swear fealty? Those last two probably go hand in hand tbh

Regardless, it doesn't matter what I want to do

Because I can't do anything at all

It's not just South Asian fantasy

It's GAY South Asian fantasy

This,,,

This means so much to me

Thank you, Tasha Suri.

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank you.

[superlintball]

Okay so a friend of mine was getting rid of some books and she offered up a book called The Jasmine Throne by Tasha Suri

I had never heard of it, so I looked it up, and discovered that it was a fantasy book written by an Indian author which heavily draws from South Asia for its worldbuilding

Needless to say, as an Indian, my interest was piqued, so I told my friend I would indeed like to have it

When I picked it up from her, she mentioned that it wasn't all that great of a book but that she really liked the worldbuilding, and so I went into it with pretty low expectations

What I didn't consider was that my friend is white.

To be fair, I'm not saying she doesn't have a point. Maybe this isn't the most beautiful prose or most intricate plot I've ever read

To be perfectly honest, I don't really care

You see, to her, the cool worldbuilding that she liked was just that: worldbuilding. (No hate to her whatsoever I adore her)

But this is my culture. I didn't even know how much it meant to me to see my culture in my favorite genre of book until it was right in front of me

I couldn't get enough of it

At every chance I got, I was reading

I was in the middle of a vacation and all I wanted to do was keep reading

And then

This happened (mild spoilers for the book):

And I was like ",,, oh??"

I read it again

Then I kept reading

And then a few pages later, this:

OH??????

I just kind of sat there and I processed what I'd just read

And then I took pictures

And then I read it again

And again

And again and again and again

And now I'm just sitting here

I can't

I can't handle this

I'm just sitting here, in the middle of a hotel room, unable to read another page of this book or look away or do anything at all other than stare in wonder

Because it's GAY

I can't handle this

I don't know what to do

I want to cry

I want to scream

I want to curl up into a ball

I want to track down the author and,,, I don't know? Hug her? Kiss her? Thank her? Ask for her autograph? Stand there grinning like an idiot? Offer her my services as a court jester? Kneel at her feet and swear fealty? Those last two probably go hand in hand tbh

Regardless, it doesn't matter what I want to do

Because I can't do anything at all

It's not just South Asian fantasy

It's GAY South Asian fantasy

This,,,

This means so much to me

Thank you, Tasha Suri.

From the bottom of my heart,

Thank you.

#poc #lgbt #gay #lesbian #south asian #indian #fantasy #worldbuilding #south asian fantasy #gay indians #im going to fucking cry #representation matters #lgbt poc #lgbt fiction #queer poc #queer #fuck me i dont know what to do #im literally in a hotel room right now #what the FUCK #Jasmine Throne #the jasmine throne #tasha suri #the burning kingdoms