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nought-shall-go-ill · 1 year

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My belated piece for the @jilymicrofics January prompts. Day 15: “effort”.

Lily Evans is nine years old when she first considers it must be a lot of effort being her friend.

She doesn’t have many. Not like Petunia. She’s bright; her teachers like her. And it’s not as if the kids are mean. But it’s hard to befriend the girl who is in and out seeing “specialists”. And she starts to fall behind: doesn’t know who the newest bands are or what the latest hand-clapping games might be.

And then there’s the “weird stuff”. Her parents tell her not to do it, but it’s the only thing that keeps Esther and Margot around.

Besides, she loves “the weird stuff” and that doesn’t take any effort at all.

***

Two months into their friendship, Lily asks Sev if it’s an effort to like her, to be her friend. He scoffs and says something like “being around you is effortless”. To prove his point, he conjures a flower from a single blade of grass, handing it to her.

She smiles, a big toothy grin that shows off her missing molars. She loves that about their friendship. They don’t have to hold back. They can practise their “weird stuff” — their magic, she learns — without a care in the world.

But, if she’s honest with herself, there’s some things that do take effort with Sev. His foul temper. His disdain for anything Muggle related. His tendency to (as Petunia says) put her up on a pedestal.

It’s not much, but it’s a lot of effort for a 10 year old.

***

Sev says it won’t take much effort at all to make friends at Hogwarts, but Sev is wrong.

The other girls in Lily’s dorm all seem to know each other. They all support the same quidditch team and fancy all the same pureblood popstars. It takes a lot of effort — a lot of studying hair braiding and potions for perfumes — to keep up with them at all.

They let her sit with them as an acknowledgment of her efforts. Even offer to paint her nails or “sleekease” her hair from time to time. But they always choose each other first. Always sit with one of the other girls in class and forget to fetch her for dinner.

Lily would put in a lot less effort if only she could see more of Sev.

***

When Lily returns from her first year, she discovers it’s a lot of effort to exist back home too.

Her parents are kind, emphatically so, but they understand so little of what she talks about that she finds herself having to dumb down more and more of what she says. And then there’s the war. She can hardly mention that, can she? Her parents would withdraw her immediately if they knew. And then she’d have to put in a huge amount of effort trying to fit in in a world where she doesn’t below.

Instead, she finds herself editing her words carefully, making sure they understand and stay on the right side of awe.

It’s a lot of bloody effort, and Petunia still hates her.

***

By third year, Lily discerns that having enemies takes a lot less effort than having friends.

She’s still editing herself for her dorm mates, trying to fit in as best she can — even when they can’t seem to give her the time of day. Yet she finds it so easy to speak her mind to those pesky boys.

James Potter and Sirius Black: they’re the worst of them. The ones whose pranks border on cruel and who she will happily call out on their loutish hypocrisy.

It doesn’t take much effort, because in their odd sort of way, they seem to see her as an equal. They hold back when she warns them. Sometimes they even stop all together. It feels easy to interact with them even though they aren’t anything close to friends at all.

And it feels good, putting in some effort for those who are unable to stand up for themselves.

***

Eventually, her efforts pay off and Lily finds a group of Muggleborn friends across Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw.

They’re not close friends. They will never make the effort to track down her son or remember her much after the war. But they are her friends, nonetheless, and they share cigarettes with her and let her borrow vinyls over the holidays.

One girl in particular is fond of her. A small mouse of a girl named Mary from the year below who is a crack hand at Arithmancy and says she fancies Remus Lupin.

It doesn’t take much to be friends with Mary and the others at all, but then Mary is attacked and it’s just all too much effort again.

Some of the group stay friends with Lily, but they’re wary at best. They say her friendship with Sev makes them question her values. She can’t say she blames them.

And just like that she learns it’s even more effort to keep friends than make them.

***

In the midst of everything, Lily learns that it’s definitely less effort attracting “male friends” in her fifth year of school.

Of course, they’re not really friends. Or, rather, that’s not what they want to be. Not in the end.

They make the effort to get to know her, of course. Tell her fun jokes and make empty promises about the things they will do. As friends, just friends, they say.

But then they always lean in for a kiss or give her ultimatums that she can’t morally abide by.

Some of them refuse to take the hint too. Telling her they fancy other “broads” in one breath and then saying she’s “leading them on” in the next.

It’s a lot of bloody effort not to hex their bollocks off. A lot.

But it all pales in comparison to the effort she puts in in the final months of her friendship with Sev.

He’s fouler than ever. Grumpier. Terser. She wants with all her mite to blame the Gryffindor boys. Their teasing has gotten too much. He has every right to be suspicious of their fellow students.

But that doesn’t excuse the rhetoric she catches when he thinks she’s not listening. It doesn’t excuse the people he’s started to hang around when he’s not with her.

It wouldn’t take much effort not to be friends with them. The Slytherins are awful, no doubt about it. But not all of them are baby Death Eaters. Not all of them spew hate like it’s graffiti on a bathroom wall.

But Sev wants the power of their friendship. And it’s taking too much effort to convince her friends otherwise. It’s taking too much effort to convince herself otherwise. Let alone him. He doesn’t listen. Not anymore.

It’s a relief then — in many ways — when it finally happens. When he stops making the effort to have a half facade of decency in front of her.

It feels like a weight off her shoulders. It feels effortless really not being his friend. And she can’t even muster the effort to miss him much.

***

Even with Sev gone, making friends doesn’t get any easier. Most of those she has at school leave after OWLs and the ones left behind are fair weather at best.

Lily tries her best — in defiance of her ex-best friend’s beliefs — to immerse herself in the Muggle world, getting a job at the local pub in the summer before her sixth year.

But it’s even more effort than being in the Wizarding world.

Later, when she’s just words in an obituary, Lily will be described as “popular”, “outgoing” but that’s not how she feels at the Cokeworth Arms. She’s awkward and conscious of all her tiny mistakes, and the barmaids clock her as “different” straight away. She knows even less how to talk to Muggles now than she did as a child, and despite her efforts (her religious watches of Top of the Pops and careful inspections of Jackie magazine) the girls don’t even become casual friends.

She still makes the effort anyway. Tries to crack jokes to make them laugh and talk to them about the goings on in their lives. It’s a lot, and they barely reply, but it’s a lot less effort than what she has to put up with at home.

***

Being sisters with Petunia is like avoiding spikes while walking on eggshells. They’ve never really gotten on well, at least, not since Sev came into the picture, but Lily, for the sake of her parents (for the sake of the little bit of family she has left) has always tried to be cordial with Petunia, even when her sister is most cruel and belittling towards her.

It takes effort for Lily to hold her tongue, to not show Petunia a piece of her mind for all the scathing remarks she makes. And sometimes she finds the effort slipping, and she laughs when Petunia does something stupid or makes a mistake.

Most of the time though, it’s an exhausting tightrope maintaining civility, and it comes as a relief when Petunia announces her decision to move to London when she turns 18.

It is almost effortless for Lily to see her off.

***

Becoming friends with them, to Lily’s surprise, is effortless. Despite everything she’s ever thought about them, they accept her entirely for who she is — so much so that even she starts to too.

She can’t remember who she befriends first, or if in a strange sort of way, she befriends them all at the same time. Remus from extended Prefect duties. Peter from gobstones in the Great Hall. Sirius through a shared seat in Transfiguration. And James through their Potions partnership, their shared concern for Remus, the way they’re often the last ones left in the common room.

It is effortless to start hanging out with them, to laugh at their jokes and cry at their heartaches. And their friendship gives her gumption, the confidence to call out the bullshit she sees from the Slytherins and even the hypocrisy of some of her remaining Muggleborn friends.

Of course, they aren’t perfect. They’ve grown from the bullies they were, it’s true — but Sirius still has his vicious streak, James his ego, Remus is cowardice, Peter his fickleness. Yet Lily finds there’s so much effort looking for perfection. And she’s just happy that, after 17 years, she has friendships as easy as this.

***

What surprises Lily most though, is how effortless it is to fall for him, and then, subsequently how effortless it is to be with him.

He talks a lot, and she finds that she can too, finally discussing her passions without worrying about any efforts needed to please anyone.

He teaches her how to ride a broom and she tells him all about the Muggle world, and neither mind the effort it takes for each to learn.

And when they finally go public — after months of shared moments in secret — it feels effortless to fit by his side, just like it feels effortless to be the head girl to his head boy, two warriors in the war.

In that final year of school, with James Potter by her side — despite the war on, despite the many people who would wish her dead (not all of them death eaters), despite taking the hardest exams of her school days — life has never been easier. It’s almost effortless.

***

Once she leaves Hogwarts for good, Lily soon learns that effortlessness is short lived.

James and her have their first “proper” fight a couple of months in. He wants to take a mission that seems near suicidal, and it takes all the effort she can muster not to beg him to stay. He goes, and she cries all evening. He promises he’ll make the effort to understand next time.

Then there’s all the little things he does when they start living together. The forgetting to shut the toilet lid. The socks all over the hallway. The way he leaves little romantic notes in the biscuit tin and how she is too scientific to write equally eloquent ones in return. It’s a lot of effort living with another person.

Staying cordial with Petunia is another effort too. One that eventually isn’t even enough anymore. The last time she sees her sister is at the latter’s wedding, during which Petunia's husband takes every opportunity to criticise James and Tuney avoids Lily at every turn. Petunia doesn’t even make the effort to come to her wedding.

It’s ok. If anything it’s a weight off her mind. Most of Lily’s efforts go on the war anyway. She puts her all into the Order. Facilitating medical care. Concocting potions for the injured. Taking some of the most perilous missions to save her friends and loved ones. And in those tiny moments of victory, the efforts seem worth it.

And in the midst of war and effort, Lily has the happiest time of her life. The most fulfilling time of her life. Life with James may not be as easy as it was at school, but his cooling presence, the laughter he brings to the room, makes all their efforts to maintain the relationship (and then the marriage) worth it. Life with the Order may not be sunshine and daisies, but the friendships it brings, the bonds it forges and the world they just might bring about makes it worth it.

And then he comes along. And he’s tiny and wonderful and loud and he doesn’t sleep, and he coughs up his milk too often, and it takes so so so much effort to look after him, but he’s worth it all. He’s worth all the effort she can muster.

So, when they find out about the prophecy, the life destined for him, Lily doesn’t even question the efforts needed to keep him safe. She knows she will do it. He is worth it. Their little family is worth it.

And though life may be far from perfect, Lily finally learns at 20 years of age that life may always take effort, but that there are some things, some people — Harry, James, the Order, maybe even herself — who are worth all the effort she can give.

#jilymicrofics #<3K #Jily #jily fic #james potter #lily evans #angsty angst #this wasn’t meant to be so late #it was meant to just be a fun thing I did after work on the train aaaaa

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nought-shall-go-ill · 1 year

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It’s my birthday, and I’ll write morally ambiguous characters if I want to.

My submission for the wonderful @jilymicrofics’s February prompts. Prompt 13 - “Promise”:

“James?”

“Yes, my love.”

He wrapped his arm around her, concerned. Lily’s demeanour had changed. There they had been, snuggly by the fire, basking in the happiness and excitement for their wedding tomorrow. But then they’d had a few too many glasses of champagne, and Lily had become quiet, introspective. It was just like her to get like this when something was on her mind, and James, as her fiancé, took pride in knowing her so well — but it worried him too.

“Have you ever lied to me?”

James smiled.

“Yes, but I think you know that. Remus—”

“Not about Remus,” she gulped, fiddling with the flute in her free hand. James turned his head to look at her, raising an eyebrow.

“At that raid the other day,” she continued. “I recognised one of the Death Eaters.”

“Even so briefly? From so far away? In a mask? Maybe we should tell Dumbledore, Lil. I—”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.” Lily drained the rest of her glass, settling it haphazardly on the side of the sofa. “It was him.”

“Him?” James queried.

“Yes. I would recognise him anywhere.”

James nodded, understanding. In the few years of their relationship, the person in question had rarely come up, but every time he did James felt the bile form gloopy against his gums, the hairs on the back of his neck stand tall.

“Oh.”

“You were cruel to him, James,” Lily said matter-of-factly, but refusing to meet his eye. “And I know you still continued in seventh year.”

James squirmed, the bits of him held tightly around Lily traitorously revealing his discomfort.

“But I stayed with you,” she continued.

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Maybe I should ask why.”

She finally looked at him.

“Because I love you, and you’re mostly good… I think.”

She nuzzled closer, and he brushed his free hand against his cheek.

“I love you too,” he murmured into her hair. “And I hope so.”

“Does that make me a bad person?” she asked, then laughed something hot and raw. “Or are you the wrong person to ask?”

“Maybe?”

James chuckled but the humour wasn’t quite there.

“He was abused you know. His father—” Lily shook her head. “But I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried, James. He still became one of them. And I don’t blame you, and I fell for you— But why did you have to be so cruel!”

He didn’t know what to say, and when an answer didn’t come, she nuzzled into him again, gently weeping into his shoulder, clutching onto his arm, James all the while stroking her face.

James would never be able to bring himself to feel entirely sorry for Severus Snape. He was a cruel, vindictive boy who wished harm on all who did not abide by his restrictive ways. Surely anyone could see that? But he had also been Lily’s friend. Her best friend even. A human being. And more than once James had felt the guilt of having inflicted harm on someone that his soon-to-be wife once loved. At the time he believed he deserved it — and a part of him still clung to that — but now…

“I’m sorry, Lily. I was. I’m sorry.”

She sniffed, holding her head up.

“You must think I’m stupid, crying over a Death Eater.”

“No, I think you’re full of love, lovely Lily.” He smiled, kissing her on her red flushed nose.

“Thanks,” she said, blinking some of the tears away. “Would you find it terribly selfish of me to say I don’t think it’s me you owe the apology too?”

“No, but—” He sighed. “Lily I would do anything for you. I love you. But you really want me to apologise to someone you know is a Death Eater? I’m sorry. I was a prat. I know it, ok? You stayed with me regardless, and I’m so… so so grateful. Because I love you, and I’m sorry I hurt you. And I’m sorry I… hurt… well, him. But—”

Somewhere along the line James had started crying too. Was this how he lost her? The day before his wedding over Severus Snape? He wanted to be angry at him — furious at him — that awful boy who had threatened Remus’ life, who had joined the ranks of people who wanted to kill his wife, but he could only feel furious at himself.

“No. God. Merlin. James!” She moved to wipe his tears. “That would be so dangerous. No! Never! Like he would even listen… I just things would be so much easier…”

“If I hadn’t have been a dick to Snape at school.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” She sniffed. “But you’re not the only awful one. I chose to marry his bully. Choose to love him every day, in fact.”

James shifted in his seat — as much as he could in their grasp. ‘Bully’ — he’d never thought of it as such before… He suddenly thought of a young Severus Snape. Eleven years old. He was tiny, so scrawny. Maybe he had been…

“I get it,” he finally said. “We can call this off if you need.”

“No. No. No. No.” Lily shook her head violently, tears decorating her beautiful red face. “I’m not saying this very well, am I? I love you. I can’t expect you to fully regret what happened with Sev… with Snape in the past. And I’ve made my peace with it. He chose to be a Death Eater. You chose this.” She pointed to his chest. “Me, the boys, the Order. It all means infinitely more to me. But in the name of full disclosure… for tomorrow… I needed you to know this. I hate what you did, but I love you and I love what you’re becoming — what you’ve become — instead. Will you promise me to continue like this?"

James nodded.

“I mean… I’ll try. I’ll promise always to try.”

Lily smiled, weakly, her lip slightly trembling.

“Thanks… James. I’m a mess, an inhuman mess with a very strange past, and I’m confused. What is good? What is bad? What am I supposed to forgive and not?” She took a deep breath, steadying herself, and James felt her demeanour relax. “But I think that’s the best vow I could ask for.”

James kissed her nose once more, holding her as tight as he could without hurting her — any further than he already had, at least.

“I do just want to be a good guy, Lily. I promise—” He caught the glint in her eye and changed course. “But can you promise me you’ll stop beating yourself up for every little thing? For every mistake and bad path other people choose or have chosen to go down?”

“That’s a difficult one,” Lily smiled, “but I promise to try.”

They remained there for a few minutes in the silence, recovering from the depths of the previous revelations, but then a thought occurred to James.

“I’ll promise to keep your — to keep his — secret too, Lily. If that’s what you want. I’ll keep it.”

She nodded.

“I hope he sees the error of his ways,” Lily replied. “If not, something will get him soon. Maybe it will even be us.”

James brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. He didn’t feel great about it. Severus Snape could potentially cause a lot of damage. What if he hurt someone? Or worse. But Lily knew him. Or thought she knew him. And James wanted only her happiness. And to be a better man… whatever he thought of his adversary.

“I can’t wait to marry you tomorrow,” Lily added, noting the seriousness in his eyes.

“I can’t wait either.”

“But it’s just a formality, I think. I already promised my heart to you a long time ago, James Potter.”

She giggled.

“Merlin, how cheesy? Promise me we won’t become one of those old couples.”

“I promise,” said James, feeling more in love than ever before.

#jilymicrofics #<3K #jily #jily fic #james potter #lily evans #jily fanfiction #a winter’s promise #this one’s angsty and might not be for everyone #lots of mentions of James’ past flaws #and a decision is made that you might not consider ethically so great #but it’s my birthday and this is what I wanted to write!#apologies and also enjoy!

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