#[ i am like. The most sleep deprived ive been in my life so i will not talk but yelling shouting shaking them | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cupcakeslushie · 7 months

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Okay. I've been tip-toeing around this AU for a while now, but I just got caught up, and now I think I have a (decent) grasp on what's going on. So I wanna go over everything I know so far to see if I'm right or wrong on anything. Don't know if you'd be willing to correct me or not. Either way, I hope my mistakes can help you understand what to clarify to other fans like me. But, I also have some questions. You probably won't be able to answer most of them, but it's at least worth a shot.

First, where's Venus? Like, why is she not in your comics that are (sort of) separate frome the canon now story. The ones that skip to the future way after all the turtles reunite. Did she die? Did she escape? Is it because she wasn't introduced yet when you made those comics?

Two, why do you keep on making references to the future timeline? I know you're planning on possibly making your own stuff leading up to the events of the movie. It just gives me a jumpscare when I see certain...imagery in those comics. I guess you're hinting at what your version of the future apocalypse would look like, but it just hurts to see. Specifically in the comic explaining both the events and aftermath of the movie and the bad future timeline. It's starting to really confuse my brain as to where this story is headed. What's meant to be the main focus? The Hamto's reuniting? The aftermath? Or the future?

Third, did you make all those min-comics before you started the actual AU? Or did you do them during?

Fourth, are any of those mini-comics relevant to the actual story now? Or have you changed your mind on a few things? It's just that everything is so all over the place, I don't really know whether to trust if they're accurate. I know most of them are just there for funzies, but the longer ones concern me. I guess I'm just not used to the storyteller doing sequel, start, prequel, start, sequel, prequel, prequel, sequel, and then end. Or maybe it's just me, and I'm sleep deprived.

My little observation speech is gonna take a while for me to get out in your asks because when I get theoretical, my speech gets long, and my proper English goes down the drain. So I'll be back. I appreciate your work very much. Despite the pain it causes me, it's still amazing.

I’ll try my best to clear up what confusion I can!

1. As far as Venus. The answer is kind of a mix of, I was still figuring out her design and backstory while coming out with some of those early comics, and then, once I had that down, I wanted the boys to grow strong bonds as a main cast. That’s why a lot of the side characters are only making small appearances in the Sep!AU Life stories, as those are mainly for the boys reconnecting. (Usagi shows up the most because I love him and am totally biased towards him).

This maybe hasn’t been stated outright, but I wasn’t really expecting so many ppl to like Vee as much as they do, and now im trying not to spoil too much of her story. It’ll unfortunately just take us a while to get to the meat of it. Since the boys reconnecting takes up a lot of the early s1s2 story, Im trying to follow the familiar Rise blueprint of Draxum, Shredder, Krang, and then in s3 we’ll have crazy fun new stories with the extra characters.

Ive also decided to take this little nugget from one of the Q&As, and use it for Venus instead of Jennika. It was a much needed bit of inspiration to explain why Venus sorta disappears for a while and will go through some major physical changes (not yet revealed) before the family can figure out a way to reach her.

2. I’m not sure if you mean jump scared in a bad/triggering or neutral way, but if you need me to tag anything on those posts please let me know!

The glimpses of the future timeline, are being scattered throughout wherever they parallel the present story in little ways, but that’s only for now. As we get closer to the movie plot, bigger chunks of the future will be revealed, because the future versions of the boys will have a larger role to play in the present timeline. So we will need more backstory than what the canon got. And also I just enjoy drawing my future versions so sometimes I don’t think too hard on a reason. I just like throwing them at ppl with no warning or reason.

When s2 ends, I plan on collecting all the future related stuff that’s been released, and recapping it for easier reading. Right now, it’s just little sprinkles of foreshadowing to give ppl an idea that, ‘oh crap. The doomed timeline is a bummer’. In my mind, I guess i thought it’d be kinda like a fun scavenger hunt for clues, but maybe ppl don’t like that 😅

3. All of the side-stories were written as the main comic was/is being released. A lot of them resulted from asks that just spawned the need to expand on certain ideas, or a desire to give all the turtles their time to shine.

For instance, when I was doing Donnie’s section of the main comic, it was a good few months where we hardly saw anyone but him and Venus. I wanted to just mix it up, and give Raph some love with his ‘Raph Time’ short. When Leo was front and center in the main, we hardly saw the others, so Mikey and Donnie got their little ‘Secrets’ short (and it was also I fun thank you for EW making it so far in the tmnt sep competition).

4. Anything that has been reworked/revised or just plain dropped should have an ‘Edit’ note because yes—I have gone back and changed some things, but more so from the asks i got in the early days, and some movie idea drafts.

All the short comics done in the last year, especially the ones that are listed in my pinned post, are canon and fall somewhere in the timeline. They’re like supplemental reading though—extra meat to give the world and the characters more personality. They do have particular backstory plot and important info in them, but nothing that shouldn’t eventually be re-visited/repeated in the main story.

um I hope that cleared up some things! I know it’s kind of a crazy amount of lore. I’ve tried my best to organize it in the pinned post, huge timeline, and search bar tags, but I know it’s getting harder and harder for newer ppl to jump in as it just get bigger. Thanks for reading regardless!

#rottmnt #tmnt #ask slushie #separated au #rise of the tmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt separated au #sep!au infodump #ew au #Empyrean Weeping Au

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rataltouille · 2 years

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BLOG REINTRO

notice how i said blog and not writeblr 🤔 that's cause this isn't just a writeblr anymore! i draw a lot [im literally going to attend a design college] and my current consuming-all-my-thoughts ideas are all webcomics so this blog will now be a mix of both writing and art stuff [just like a webtoon fr fr]

ANYWAY HI!! im al, they/them, tamil, and ive done this like seven times now im very tired guys. you might have seen me on here as @/alicewestwater before i changed it to fit my rat cook movie obsession. my biggest hobby is stalking around the house whispering to myself about my ocs while my family watches in horror and confusion. stuff im doing rn [other than your mom rofl rofl]:

gonna start my first year of college! ill be living in a new city and rooming with friends but most importantly i will be taking at least three of my stuffed animals along with me

love love love orange. there isn't a better colour. i will gladly fight anyone on this.

you know how you often have that one song stuck in your head? well, i have this oc pairing called luniper and they have been living rent-free in my head for years now can someone kick them out please 🙂

queer as hell!! i’m aromantic and trans and you will find that every single one of my wips has a short feral character who’s either aro or trans or both because #projecting

my biggest flaw as a person is that i use the 🤔 emoji so often i don't even know if it's ironic or not anymore

also my sense of humour is akin to that of a 12-year-old white boy, sorry in advance

i am currently going through my sad bitch phase so if you see me whisking up another coming-of-age young adult novel about kids in their last year of high school just look in the other direction please.

MY WIPS

LITTLE BY LITTLE: queer south indian coming of age webcomic! follows siblings sameera and anbu being disasters and dealing with really good-looking rivals, rekindled childhood friendships and b*ard exams.

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BORNE: ya novel about three best friends in their last year of high school. follows vincent, the sleep-deprived art kid stressing out over college, madhavan, the popular guy who has no idea what he’s doing in life and rivers, the laidback resident Cool Kid who’s still reeling from a loss of family. idk what the plot is yet but the characters are spicy

A MILLION HOMES AND NONE OF THEM IS YOURS: litfic novella about a mother-daughter duo who find themselves in a dangerous, magical world after a fight and are forced to sort out their tumultuous relationship in order to find their way back before the mother’s pregnancy is due.

also final note i love stories about queer people of colour in either wholesome contemporary settings or insane off-the-charts morally grey fantasy worlds so if that sounds like something you’re writing let’s chat!

#🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️#also i decided to be an extra bitch and animated a banner just for this post #writeblr #writeblr intro #announcements

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atherix · 1 year

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So much happened and my crazed little sleep deprived brain cant handle more info

I have way to many theories over the amethyst tablet and stuff because scott and jimmy and shadow walkers and oakalapwojdksw theres to much

But mumbo being so over protective of his home his space that hes ready to probably attack cub at any given moment but doesnt because scar needs help now and he cant do anything. But especially with cub being in their space, because it even took a bit for grian to be let in there, let alone scar. And everyhting he holds dear is in that room and cub just invaded the most personal place and safest place without even an ask to come in. Mumbos just silently standing there trying not to laash out because scar isnt okay and is totally definatly not jealous

AND THEN DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THE FAE KING KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP AND SENT CUB TO HELP. Like that mf knew something was up and sent cub to go help not even wasting time tonexplain why because scar is on the verdge of death andhe knows they cant really wait.

Ive been doing the midnight brainthoughts all day and this update made it so much worse/pos

Overall really good chapter and im vibrating with excitment

Im starting the color on grian dress soon, it should be done by tomorrow

hehehe

So many theories to be had <3 Belle has a very interesting theory, I love hearing theories <3 Just be careful bc I may have laid out some red herrings :)

Mumbo is SO ready to attack and honestly if he hadn't known who Cub was before he absolutely would have :'D God yeah, the bedroom is such a personal space and honestly is a very vulnerable place that Mumbo doesn't want just anybody in there (and Scar is this way, too, to be fair, though Scar's is more cultural and Mumbo's is ✨t r a u m a ✨, Scar will at least let friends in his room LMAO), he only wants himself and the people he loves and trusts most in the world in there <3 Cub being in there is very much so not welcome hjfgdkjksd Also Cub just walking in. Like. First of all rude, second of all dangerous much??? kjhfkdskjfd- Mumbo is totally not jealous of Cub's existence. Totally not jealous thinking about how Scar had so easily opened up and welcomes Cub into his life when he manipulated and pushed Mumbo away for seven or eight years and was very slow to open up and just hjfdsjkjkfdsl-

🙃hehehe spoiler alert I love the Fae King The King has seen Scar with Flux before, when he was a child and his core was not very strong... now he's older and he can handle more but his core can also produce more soooo time is of the essence kfdskjfgjkdsgkjds-

I am always having Midnight Brainthoughts and it keeps me entertained at work <3 so that is delightful for me yes <3

Thank you so much~! Glad you enjoyed~~ <3

👀👀👀

#ask #Midnight Series #Spoilers #for ch2 #if you haven't read it

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mebiselfandi · 10 months

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ur just amazing in every possible way. you are such a lovely human being who deserves as much love as you put in the world (A LOT). i think you are hilarious and such an amazing writer n creator. my other criticism of you is that you are too hard on yourself 😭💞 im not very good with words but i just think you are one of the most refreshing, honest, blunt, and sweetest people ive ever encountered and im always so happy to see you talk and just ... live honestly 😭 i love u meb i always want the best for you and always pray on your upbringing 😮‍💨❤️ just know if you get good news soon, ive been praying on it. i love how open n honest u are and your lore. YOUR LORE. i am so worried about you. i wish i could sit by a campfire (..... i dont like the outside at all but id sit by a campfire if u wanted to idk) or like. fire inside place while ur in a rocking chair telling me your absolutely batshit life stories. and id love every minute of it bc i can listen 2 u talk all day. LOOOVE U truly n always ama just know that mwah.

Hi nonnie🫶

This was my live reaction to reading this half awake, sleep deprived, ridden with illness and feeling bleaugh

I have no meter for how to react when someone is nice to me especially out of the blue(this is like a whole I’ve letter for a silly lil anon game) so my brain melted and short circuited and I thought about this all day. Idk what to say I’m like crying softly face in the ground. This is so sweet and you’re even sweeter. And oh my gosh you pray for me? And I’m supposed to sleep normal and not cry every waking moment at the thought?? That’s so sweet. How am I this lucky to have such amazing friends.

Also, I also kinda hate outdoor fires cause bugs, but I love fireplaces. You can sit while I braid your hair and tell you the meb lore(it’s extensive and never ending) as long as you promise not to blow up from the lore

Also screaming that you think these things about me cause you’re so cool to me so I’m like screaming running around. Feels like the stamp of approval from my older sister🥰🥰

For anyone who wants to play

#anon asks🥰#anon games #fwis

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strawberrymilkfemme · 2 years

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Big personal vent ahead, TW for medical stuff.

I'm so sick of being sick. I had the most terrifying experience of my life last night. I slept pretty badly the night before last, only like 3 and a half hours. Then I had a really hectic day. I had to get up early and go out of town a couple of hours away for some personal business and I also ended up doing my bi-monthly grocery shopping and exhausted myself. I've also recently dealt with a pretty bad UTI and kidney pain, and had a bad reaction to the antibiotics they tried to give me for it. I was exhausted all day and didn't end up falling asleep until around 2am last night. I woke up pretty much exactly 1 hour later, completely delirious and hallucinating. My partner said I was acting like I was having some sort of manic episode. I got up to pee and then blacked out and woke up a couple mins later in my bed, unable to remember if I had actually gotten up a minute ago or if it was just a dream. Then suddenly I was in the shower spraying freezing cold water on my head which really freaked me out and sent me into a panic. Partner said I was running around yelling that I was having a stroke and needed to go to the hospital. Next thing I know I'm burying my face in my cat, crying and telling him how much I love him. Then I'm walking around in the street, freezing. Dunno if I was trying to get some fresh air or what, but it didn't help. Then I'm in the hospital in the most wack, embarrassing outfit I have ever worn. Leopard print pajama pants, pink Uggs, a blue sweater, pink beanie, and pink/green/purple/white striped fuzzy socks lmao and there are nurses taking my blood pressure and asking me my name and if I know where I am. I have tons of weird vague memories of getting ready and how I got there, but they feel like foggy dreams that didn't actually happen. They really believed I was having a stroke at first, but I passed their neurological exam perfectly fine. They took a bunch of blood, ran a ton of tests, everything looked good aside from my usual anemia. They even said my infection seemed to be gone. Turns out I was in some sort of severe sleep deprivation induced episode of delirium or derealization or something bc I slept so little and did so much after being so sick for so long (on top of being immunocompromised). Also I was severely dehydrated. I drank up like 3 bags of fluids they gave me via IV, then started to feel more aware. I slept ALL day when I got home and now I just feel kinda.. funny? Like I'm a little spacey and out of it, but nothing like I was last night. I'm so terrified it will happen again. I sincerely believed I was about to be one of those young people who drops dead of a stroke bc of covid complications. I remember clearly thinking at one point "oh my god.. I am having a stroke. I had covid and now I am having a stroke and I am going to die." I have a horrible fear of having a stroke bc I was there when my grandma had one (I was about 14). I was home alone with her and she was calling me by one of my cousins names and walking around the house and standing in random places and staring off into space, then she had a seizure and I had to call for an ambulance and I was the one who went with her to the hospital and I watched her flatline. They managed to stabilize her and she has been fine ever since aside from being weaker on one side of her body and having some difficulty with speech, but ever since then I have had a severe fear of that happening to me. I honestly accepted death last night. Now I feel like maybe I was being dramatic, but I don't think I have ever been more scared for my own health in my entire life.

#personal #vent #txt #ramblings

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lostacelonnie · 4 months

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It sure is the new year & somehow im still tired and way busier than i would like. So uh. Sorry this took me a bit to get to. The first time i read your response i thought you'd said you were watching bocchi which confused me because you had already. But im glad you are enjoying bofuri. She's such a chaotic disaster character. Ohh i think i feel you on that my brother in law & i have like. Opposing autism vibes & coexisting with him when we share apace is exhausting. I hope school is going well for you! Yeah like. Honestly sometimes ill chat with people at a theater but mostly just. Please do not. Im just there for a film. Love the communal effort to just. Understand your teacher what a time that must be. My parents did teach to cook a bit. I learned spaghetti & a basic taco recipe from them. But i learned a lot from there so i had a bit of a spring board to go off. I hope you have a fun time learning to cook stuff i enjoy it immensely. Even with all the dishes it can make. Honestly schools are just. Weird if anything. Liminal space adjacent but in a way neither good or bad. Im sad i missed getting to pull her i want ruan mei but due to bad storms my internet was out, which also contributed to late response, for the last days of her banner. So i have to save for her re run. I am so normal about her & stelle(lying). I finally finished the argenti quest but had to level & gear himeko & welt. Got kafka on my console account from her banner & it gave me e1 bailu when i hoped for clara. Ohh so its like a character growth/change type thing. As the story progresses & they change they gain new herscherr forms. I think if my understanding is right. Or right as it can be for something not fully explained? I miss manaria & the gang already. Can only tide myself over with other villainess shows til it returns. Or i read more. Dungeon meshi at least has an airing anime adaptation now which means i can see my favorite fail girl marcille in animation. I will remember that & look to the community for help as needed if i pick noita up thank you for the tip. I too want himeko to be fine & alive so i sympathize with the hi3 fans. I dont remember if she's getting off on penacony or not if thats been said. But penacony definitely has some characters i want. Oh okay damn i always wondered about her floating. So thats one mystery solved. Wait seele has just. Basically a good dog aura? Oh so kiana mei & bronya have the most extensive lore? What about uh. Durandal? I feel like ive seen that particular polish phrase before whats it mean?

HI HELLO its been 20 years which im SO FUCKING SORRY about...... my life has decided to just Not give me a break recently. and understandable akdfkgjksj i should really continue watching it but ah.... so busy. and Tired all the time. actually got to skip school today bc i was so sleep deprived i thought i was sick but then i slept for another 4 hours and i feel so much better now. should be studying [have 8 exams coming up until the end of february.......] but i also Need to chill for a bit. agghhh. and oh understandable!! it really is just like that sometimes. school, as i said, is. psychologically torturing me but im actually not in that much pain so yeah!! and thanks also. i hope my teachers let us catch a break soon. at least ive recently picked up baking to destress so at least im not about to become the joker. and REAL LIKE i also dont mind talking with people in public places from time to time but i usually just wanna mind my own business. and yeah its SO funny but also im surprised how nice all my classmates are about helping others. like. if we had to cooperate to create a message with my old classmates everyone would just instantly start making fun of each other for not knowing something. OOOH COOL....... when i have more time i should learn to make some spanish dishes. went to gran canaria with my mom recently and god ive missed their cuisine SO much. god yeah schools are like another dimension to me ngl. they work based on different rules then the rest of the world. AND AUUGHGH PAIN...... good luck with getting her on future reruns tho!!! same with being Totally Normal. and hey congrats on all that!!! i also ended up doing argentis quest and luckily didnt have time with fighting him thanks to clara who makes it extremely easy. generally shes always carrying me. finally got to trailblaze lvl 65 and i only have my clara team at lvl 80 rn so i should probs work on kafka etc but i hate grinding mats...... hell on earth. oh well. and yeah more or less!!! tho it also depends on the person and circumstances, as some people will get new authorities, some will kind of. get closer to their current one? and some people might even give up their herrscher authorities with time. but yeah honkai loves to retcon itself so its kinda blurry sometimes. I MISS EVERYONE TOOOOOO and i started watching reborn as a villainess some time ago but ah. didnt have time to continue. i ALSO started watching dunmesh and ALSO didnt have time to catch up with it but im SO excited for it bc ive only watched 3 eps but love it already. if you ever Do pick up the game then good luck!! its as brutal as it is fun to play. himeko protection squad forever....... i should finish penacony when i get the time and motivation. wasnt too interested in any chars at first but acheron stole my heart....... so would sparkle if she wasnt so Racist for no reason. yes seele Does have a good doggy aura SHDKFJKS even The Great Herrscher Of Sentience cant say no to her. shes so sweet and i love her. and yeah basically!!!! since theyre effectively all the protags, even if kiana is the "main" one. AND I WILL VERY EXCITEDLY TELL YOU LITERALLY ALL DURANDAL LORE AS I KNOW IT BY HEART BUT ALSO LITERALLY DONT HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN RIGHT NOW SO ILL TRY TO GET THAT DONE BY YOUR NEXT MESSAGE. so well both have time to write our respective stuff. and oh polska gurom is a misspelled version of polska górą [since its pronounced almost the same] which more or less means poland on top. its used ironically most of the time and i LOVE saying it

#once again IM SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO RESPOND but im just. trying to survive recently.........#asks #pen pals

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completleymessy01 · 6 months

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02/12/23

I dont know why its taken me so long to write a new entry. The amount of things that have changed in my life in the last few months are crazy. Okay so firstly, S found out she has cancer. And I broke up with M. I know, two crazy massive big things that have happened. I have exams in less than two weeks and I cannot focus. I am studying 7 hours a day and I cannot focus. I am angry, im so angry I have started running . Which is very unlike me. I feel the rage boil in my blood and if it isn't rage im feeling its anxiousness. To the point where my adrenaline is pumping hard through my body and I feel so on edge that I cannot eat. Basically, I am feeling too much and I can't stop. My whole life has changed and ive never felt so stressed before. Am I going to pass my exams? Am I going to lose M forever. But then sometimes I feel happy and glad we broke up. I literally feel like im going to lose my mind, all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs, scream and shout and hit walls and kick my legs and scream and scream and scream. I feel like nothing ever goes my way and that someone is out to get me. I feel like im being tested every single day, seeing how much I can take before I have a mental breakdown and lose the plot. Im telling you, im close to that. Whats the most frustrating is im letting men continue to ruin and rule my life. When M and I broke up I thought I would get back on the wagon, well ive never really been on the wagon, but anyway. I thought I would start dating since ive basically been sexually deprived for the last year and a half. And let me tell you boys are scary, lazy, assholes and im still letting my day revolve around them. I can't help myself, they take ages to reply, dont seem eager to meet and I still reply fast, I still meet them. Maybe im just ugly and they are trying to hint. And on top of that do I meet them? I dont want m to find out and that be it between us forever, as I do love him still. I also dont want to hurt him. I wish he would just sleep with someone else, it would make everything so much easier. I could hate him and I could move on, but no he is "waiting" for me. well fuck that. I really hope that this time in a month im doing better. I dont think I can continue this adrenaline pumping lifestyle its taking to much out of me.

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thediaryofs0nic · 1 year

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I'd like to write some of my thoughts from today. Why do my parents care so much about what happens between me and my boyfriend. They act like im dating as a 13 year old, im fucking 18. Let me and my own partner sleep in the same bed, stop being fucking weird about me having sex. Yall make me listen to it every other week and it's fucking weird. On top of that bs they also like to be randomly transphobic and homophobic out of the blue but no theyre not absolutely not. I wish my father wasn't so fucking weird about every fucking thing. Literally every day hes coming up to me and reading some shit thats either racist, homophobic, sexist, or just straight insensitive, whys he gotta be such an asshole. I just want to live and I dont want to talk about him because he doesn't respect me, he's always making me feel like the dumbest person in the fucking world with his man-splainy smart-ass attitude. I try to be considerate, I try to be generous, I try to stay out of his way but noooooo he wants to try and start shit every fucking day even with I haven't entertained it forever. I seriously don't have a single redeemable feature in my mind when describing him, I mean maybe MAYBE his knowledge of cars if he wasn't super fucking lazy. If im ever compared to him I will kill myself, ok a little far but serious he is the worst person ive met.

On another note, I just want to see my boyfriend and be our of this bullshit school. I might actually like school if I could focus but I'm always do 3 fucking things at once and can't give 100% of my attention at anything. I've been super fucking lazy when it comes to doing school work and I can't handle it. It's causing so much stress but I can't do it. I sit down and open an assignment and doing it is like torture, I literally keep getting distracted and I have to find ways to stimulate/quiet my brain enough to focus. I get the most work done when I'm sleep deprived or listening to ambience for fuck sake. I need to be diagnosed and medicated for depression and adhd but I cant handle my own problems, which, by the way, are all made up. I have to surround myself with things that give me a little bit of dopamine just to get by, masturbating every day multiple times, playing mindless video games, and spending hours on the internet because life is too hard to live. I can't handle this. I'm genuinely through with life because I don't quite see a point unless it's to have my one with my partner but that doesn't seem possible either. Fuck politicians, fuck religion, fuck my jackass father, fuck these homophobic nazi cunts, fuck the world. I want to live and express myself without having to worry about being ATTACKED AND KILLED IN THE STREET. The worst part is that I cant even trust the fucking POLICE to protect me. I feel more fear from looking at a police officer than I do looking at any suspicious looking criminal because at least its a 50% chance a suspicious person will have a gun but a 100% chance a police officer will and a 50% chance they'll try to kill me with or without it if they try to talk to me. I hate the world, I hate the government, I hate my father, i hate this cursed hell scape we live on. I am plagued by fear by simply existing. I can't see a shiny easy future for me. It won't be like that. I'll be stuck in this forever. I won't get out of this bullshit. We'll curse the world to melt into the sun without a piece of the human race having survived because of our own bullshit. I hate myself and I hate that I was ever born. Why did I have to ripe everyone into this shit.

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bagel-bombs23 · 2 years

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sleepyhead <3 tommy x reader

hey! i know ive been like dead for a while but i lowkey got broken up with but also not so life has been pretty not amazing!

anyways, this is a little fluffy ramble i was using to comfort myself and i thought i should write it out so maybe all of you could enjoy it too!

SFW!!! IRL!tommy x GN!reader

during the meetup of all the smp members, they rented an airbnb to stay at and you find yourself unable to sleep and having nightmares when you do, so you go sit in the livingroom with the boy youve been desperately crushing on, alone for the first time the entire day…

you stood in the hallway outside of the livingroom, mentally kicking yourself for committing to this insane idea. you had woken up about fifteen minutes ago from one of the nightmares. youve been hoping and praying all day you wouldnt have any issues, but predictably you are shaken awake at 2:45 am.

all of your life youve never been able to sleep soundly away from home. something about the unfamiliar environment or the distance from your safety space cursed you with the ultimate sleepover-repellant. like clockwork you burst out of sleep, gasping for air and balling the sheets in your fists. the images of your nightmare were burning into your vision in the darkness of the room you stayed in, as you desperately caught your breath. your hand shot to your bedside table to turn on the lamp, smashing the button. the light flooded the room abruptly and burned your eyes, effectively singeing away the images of your night terror.

you slowly but surely caught your breath, panting and prying your mind from the events of your dream, choosing to focus on your only nearby object of comfort. tommy. it was something youve thought of late into the night many a time following a night terror, climbing into his arms and feeling his breath on top of your head. the images more vivid with your proximity to the boy. now you thought of how before, miles away from him, you couldn’t justify something like a text or a call in the heinous hours of the morning, it was ridiculous. but now, all you would have to justify was the twenty steps it would take you to enter the living room, where he chose to stay for the night to offer toby a bed.

you sat in silence, mentally warring with the part of you that pulled you towards him like a magnet, begging your legs to make the distance shorten between the two of you. you two were very close, but platonically to your dismay. you’d never imagined in a million years you would dare to do what sleep deprivation and irrational fear has driven you to do. the fifteen minutes you spent making the decision were possibly the most stressful of your life, to risk a comfortable platonic meet up over a far-fetched fantasy your troubled mind used to cope was so far out of line that you felt you may not be in the right of mind. your internal bickering was all for show though, because deep down you knew it was never an attempt to change your mind, only an attempt to justify what you knew you would end up doing.

you climbed out of bed and into the hallway, making your journey through the hardwood floored hallway of the unfamiliar home to the room you knew youd find him in. your mind span, questioning the veracity of your decision as you remembered he is a sensible person who is probably sleeping at this ungodly hour. you mentally kicked yourself for not thinking that through, but couldnt bring yourself to stop walking, couldnt bear to stop your legs from carrying you towards him. if hes asleep ill just go back to my room, you said mentally, if hes asleep ill just grab some water and go to bed, you rationalized.

you padded into the entrance to the living room, and felt your heart mellow for the first time since you had woken up. you looked at tommy, fully awake on the couch watching a movie. he was the only trace of life in the house besides yourself, the light of the tv flooding his face and parts of the room. you looked to the tv and recognized it to not be a movie, and instead an old stream with you, him, toby, and ranboo.

you admired the way he watched intently, the way the colors of the tv bled into his face and illuminated his eyes. you were wrapped in a thin knit blanket from the room and the ac was currently right above you. you felt a shiver start in the bottom of your spine so you took a step forward, into Tommy’s line of sight. immidiately upon seeing you he reached to the table infront of him and turned down the tv, with a face of concern.

“hey y/n, whats up?” he says with his eyebrows knitted together, and it crosses your mind that you may look a bit disheveled from your night terror. you look at him and shrug, “i dont know, couldnt sleep. care for company?” you asked softy with a small smile. without missing a beat he nodded, still slightly concerned, and said “of course, come sit”

you padded into the room and to the couch where tommy sat, plopping onto the cushion next to him, and looking at the tv. “hey, this is last months vod isnt it? the one where we fed tubbo to the piglins as a sacrifice?” you said with a smile, and turned to him for a response. you found him smiling at you, and he said “yeah, i was just rewatching some of my favorite streams, im thinking of making a compilation of stream clips for each member at the meetup for the reveal video” with a smile. you laughed a little and leaned your head into the couch, feeling the soft and fuzzy aura in the air.

tommys eyebrows knitted together again, and he spoke softly, as if not to scare you away. “may i ask why youre up so late? did something happen?”. you have to take a second to ponder how to answer and and allow yourself to calm internally at the honey that drips from his tone. after a second of consideration, you reply “why are YOU up this late watching vods? you have time to think about this tommorow” with a smirk. his expression softens into a playful smile, and he seems to slightly redden at the apple of his cheeks. you convince yourself its the light from the tv. he retorts “i asked you first, sleepyhead” with a genuine smile, effectively opening you up like a book.

you roll to face towards the tv, as if to ponder the pixelated you on the other side of the screen until you can think of an answer that doesnt sound insane. you decide its too late for pondering, and dont break eye contact as you quietly tell him the truth. “i, i have this thing, where like, if im anywhere but home i cant sleep. i have these awful nightmares anytime i sleep over somewhere im new to. its kinda childish i know, but once i wake up i cant sleep for hours. i figured i would check if you were awake, see if it would help to not be alone”. at the end of your sentence you turned to look at him, finding his features contorted to sadness, almost pity. he lightly scooted towards you and quizically asked “did you have a nightmare tonight?”

you pulled your lower lip between your teeth and looked down at the cushions, considering the stitching of the fabric. “yeah, its whatever” you said, barely above a whisper. a moment passes where he doesnt speak and you dont look up from the couch, embarassment burning in your eyes and your cheeks at the confession. after a few seconds he places his hand into view and draws your attention back to his face, where a softer look of concern coupled with a welcoming smile meet your eyes. he looks into your eyes and tilts his head, and asks “why have you never told me about this? you know you can tell me anything idiot”.

you chuckle under your breath and smile, it strikes you that he never actually answered your question. he too was up far later than sensible doing something he had time for later. you gave him a mischievous look and shot back with “i think its my turn to ask questions, why are you up so late doing work when you should be getting ready for tomorrows plans?”. now it was his turn to divert his eyes to the tv, and for a moment you could make out the reflection of the block world in his eyes, before the vod changed the color of the room and he was washed out in red from the tv’s picturing of the nether. his smile was small, as he said “today was a lot to mentally process, im still so excited from it all. i cant bear to sleep when i know where i am and who im with-“. he cuts himself off for a moment and his eyes widen slightly, something so small you almost didnt notice. but you did, of course you did.

“everyone, i mean, like the whole group is all around me and stuff” he says hurriedly, looking back at you and making a wide motion with his hands. you smile hard, mind praying that his restlessness was the thought of you in his mind. you felt embarassed for how excited you were, knowing that realistically he was just riding the high from such an eventful day, but the way that his smile changed to match yours quickly cemented your hope. you felt the energy in the air multiply as he breathily laughed, looking down and quietly confessing, “i dont know why i tried to lie there, it failed hard,” you giggled with him, laying your head against the couch. “its pretty obvious i meant you i suppose” he said, making your heart shout and the smile on your face widen to the point of discomfort.

your eyes widened at what he said, and he looked up at you and continued, “ its so cool to see you in person again. its been so long, like six months, and its always super fun to hang out with you and everyone else.” he smiled sheepishly, nervously, and awaited a reply from you. all you could do was chuckle happily and look at him, conjuring every braincell to glue together a coherent thought to give tommy. eventually you settled on a reply and said “i was hoping you would be awake, i knew it was the only thing that could calm me down enough from the nightmares, its the only thing that ever does”. it feels like a confession, rushed and messy and painted red with emotion as your heart pounded in its bone prison. your smile never faltered though, and his widened as well, his breath visibly becoming a little heavier.

he breaks eye contact to turn away and run a hand through his hair, smile remaining plastered on his face as he quietly laughed to himself. he exasperatedly let out an “i’m really glad you said that, that you feel that way, i feel a lot less stupid now.” he turns back to you, the air is vibrating with the energy and you feel high, like tommy has been scripted to say it, like youre still not awake, like its too perfect to be right. you take no time to think before the words flow out of you as if perfectly rehearsed.

“tommy, i feel a lot of ways about you. i feel so much that sometimes i think im crazy because of it. being around you is so fun and i always find myself wanting to talk to you when we aren’t already. youre like the sun, youre such a light to me and im drawn to you and your energy like a magnet, i think youre absolutely amazing tommy”. and for a moment, the world stops. tommy’s face is thrown to shock for a long few seconds. your head is buzzing with your on the fly confession and you feel the cadence of your heart coincide with the rhythm of tommy’s small breaths, before he breaks out into a smile. his laughter reaches your ears and relief nearly sweeps you away like the tides.

“y/n, ive never been so happy to hear something in my life i reckon, i feel like a god right now”, he laughs breathily before continuing, “ i feel that way too, i want to make you happy all the time, i always want you to be the first to laugh at my jokes, i stay up watching stupid vods because i miss you even though youre four doors down from me. i feel exactly the same”. you feel the gravity of the earth fade from your shoulders, and suddenly its as if his gaze on you was the only thing holding you to the earth.

tommy laughs and reaches out for your hand, smile never dropping as he says, “i cant explain to you how happy i am right now, but i think we should wait till morning when we arent sleep deprived to do this. i dont want your decisions or your words to be driven by sleep deprivation. we should go to sleep”. his statement, while sensible, sounded like the most ridiculous notion when his hand held yours, making fireworks explode in every nerve in your body. a part of you knew that you were extremely tired though, and that part of you ended up winning.

“youre probably right,” you said with a softer smile, before adding on, “but i have one small request”. his eyebrows raised in curiosity and he smiled at you in a familiar playful way. “okay, what would your request be?” he said quizzically, never having been able to anticipate what your ask was. you looked down at your hands kind of sheepishly, and whispered out, “can i sleep here? with you? just so i dont have another nightmare again?”

his eyes widened once more, and he blinked rapidly as his brain processed your request until he smiled and noddee rapidly, stuttering out an “of course! do you wanna come lay over here? you seem pretty cold and my blanket is much heavier than yours”. you smiled and nodded before quietly crawling over to where he had laid down and raised the blanket for you to climb under. you carefully navigated your way against his chest and breathed in his smell as you settled in with your head tucked beneath his chin and his arm draped over you. it felt like you had died and gone to heaven.

you heard his rapid heart beat slow down after about a minute, and you smiled into him. you felt the grip of sleep, washing you away as you whisperer a quiet “goodnight tom” into the sleeping boys chest. to your surprise, in response you received a quiet “goodnight y/n”. you both melted almost instantly into sleep with the newfound comfort. you slept through the night and into the morning peacefully, for the first time in a while.

“SHHH guys youre gonna wake them up” sapnap whisper shouted to ranboo and tubbo, who were now in the livingroom snapping picture after picture of you and tommy, holding onto eachother, legs tangled together sleeping soundly. tubbo turned to ranboo and whispered “since we cant tell who confessed to who at the moment you dont owe me 50 dollars yet, but when we find out it was tommy i expect my payment.” a bewildered ranboo whisper shouted at tubbo “oh come ON! you know y/n was the one to do it, theyre the only one with the balls to say anything. you better enjoy that 50 while you have it bitch”. george entered the room on his way to the kitchen and groggily looked over at the scene, yawning out a “what on earth are you all doing- OH MY GOD WHAT?” effectively waking both you and tommy up, and ranboo and tubbo shout back to george “WHAT THE FUCK YOU RUINED THE MOMENT??”

what a lovely way to wake up.

-end!-

a/n!

hey lovelies! just a little reminder that my asks are open but i may take a while to get around to writing everything, for now i hope you loved this story as much as i loved imagining it haha! ive been in a very fluff mood so any fluff req’s will def be done sooner than smut! and another reminder, it is against tommy’s boundaries to write smut of him so i will not be doing that. anyways, its 1:06 am so im going to sleep! goodnight and i hope you liked! follows are deeply appreciated as well as likes and reposts! love u <3

#dream team x reader #dsmp fluff #mcyt fluff #tommyinit mcyt #dsmp tommy #tommy x reader #tommyinnit

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sleepysheepytea · 2 years

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POV: It's 5 am and youre sleep deprived so nothings embarrassing anymore. Dont be shy give us mlb tk headcanons

:O this is the first time ive ever shared headcanons that i make so they might not be the best but heeeere we go

I think i'm just gonna do like random characters eheeee

☁️ okie so lets start with Marinette. I feel like she's more of a lee while not in superhero form, seeing as she's got a large tickle monster as a best friend. She and Alya regularly get into tickle fights, normally with Marinette being reduced to a giggly puddle in mere seconds. Though despite normally crumpling like a lawn chair at one squeeze of her hips, she's surprisingly very capable of turning the tables. I feel like she's gotten some good ler coaching from Alyah and some other friends so she can finally defend herself jsfdkh

Oh geez Ladybug thooo... Girly is a ler for life once she's a superhero. She regularly traps Chat Noir in her yoyo and tickles him until he apologizes for a facepalm-worthy pun he made earlier or something like that. Though once in a blue moon, she'll allow Chat Noir to get her back maybe when she can tell he's feeling down.

☁️ ADRIEN OKAY HDSSJH He probably had no clue what the honk tickling even was before he went to school, probably only having been tickled when he was younger by his mother and has since forgotten what it was. Like Marinette, he also has a tickle monster best friend who's happy to demonstrate why Marinette is on the floor cackling from Alyah poking her stomach. Adrien is absolutely a kicker (and a snorter eueueue). I love the idea of his dignified model persona being completely yeeted out the window the second he's tickled jdfsk

Okay so Chat Noir. He likes to think of himself as a cocky ler but in reality he gets wrecked on an almost-daily basis by Ladybug. He does have a better chance when Mari is her normal self, though, since she doesn't have the help of her trusty yoyo. He adores soft lil chin tickles, they make him purr eee

☁️ Okay so I used to really dislike Luka but he's really been growing on me recently sooo here we go. luka luka night fever no not that one fjsdk anyway. I feel like he's very giggly, it's kinda difficult to get him to laugh hardly. He probably allows Marinette to tickle him so she can practice. He's also probably got a lot of experience tickling and being tickled by Juleka. I have no clue what the heck is going on with the series at this point but in Wishmaker Luka, Mari, and Adrien were kinda hanging out im pretty sure so i feel like three-way tickle fights eventually become common between them.

☁️ Alyah is also a cutie pie and as we've seen she and Nino usually have tk fights. ALSO I love the idea of Alyah and Nino teaming up against Marinette and Adrien since the beans have pretty much no chance against them.

☁️ May I bring up for a moment,,, Nathaniel mr. tomato? He's so cute and I feel he's a very shy lee, he probably squeaks a lot eheeee. He also has Alix as a friend, who is an itty bitty tickle gremlin that likes to essentially leap onto him and tickle him until he falls over so she can finally say she's taller.

☁️ OKAY SO ALIX IS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER SO I GOTTA DO SOME FOR HER. I know she and Nathaniel are not very significant characters but like HUEEE. Anyway she's so incredibly tiny that pretty much anyone can scoop her off the ground and tickle her. (I'm sure Kim is probably the one to do this most often) Of course she probably kicks and flails like crazy cuz she doesn't wanna admit she's a cutie patootie. But yes people have to be careful when they tickle her cuz she is a tiny firecracker and WILL get revenge.

anyway i think that's all i got for now but i can add more if ppl would like ^w^

#tickle headcanons #miraculous ladybug tickle #these were actually really fun #i honestly would like to do some headcanons for other things ehe #feel free to ask sdkfj

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sarahlynnirl · 3 years

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Losing my best friend - Sugar Daddy culture is not empowering

I finally feel strong enough to talk about this and hopefully get some love, support, and reassurance from other women who agree that this is fucked up. I’ve never been “terfy on main” before so here goes. (TW child abuse + SA but no graphic descriptions of SA)

My mother is a narcissist who financially and emotionally abused my father and myself, with some additional physical abuse of me, for as long as I can remember. My dad made plenty of money but my mom controlled it all and made sure it didn’t go towards anything for me beyond the bare minimum required not to look obviously guilty of child abuse and neglect. I met Kiara (not her real name) when I was a junior in highschool and she was a freshman. Her mom was a single Korean woman doing her best to support Kiara and her 2 sisters while also running a Korean restaurant. My first jobs were a summer camp counselor and fitting room attendant at Forever 21. I would spend the last scraps of my paycheck making sure Kiara was able to order a full meal when our friends went out to dinner, buying her little gifts, and generally trying to keep us both as happy and healthy as possible.

When Kiara graduated highschool her mom drove her into Koreatown New Jersey, got her a room in the apartment of an acquaintance, and basically left her to fend for herself. Kiara spoke barely any Korean. She began working at a Korean salon where she met Ariana (not her real name). She had a NY cosmetology license, not an NJ one, while Ariana was an illegal immigrant from Korea so they were both overworked, underpaid, forced to work overtime, paid under minimum wage, and deprived of their tips. They couldn’t report or complain about this since they were both working illegally.

Kiara had to pay rent for the one room she occupied despite her land lady yelling at her, walking into her room while she slept, banning her from having friends over, and reporting to her mom if she spoke to a guy on the phone or a guy dropped her off. I was working at a restaurant in my college town on top of my classes and doing my best to keep surprising her with little gifts, but neither of us had enough disposable income to afford to visit each other. This was really difficult for me as she was my favorite person in the world and I was used to spending every second with her when we both lived in upstate NY. Ariana got them both to start using SeekingArrangement for one time meet ups with Sugar Daddies where they were paid anywhere from $200-2000 for sex. “The first time I ever did it I walked out of the hotel and just screamed because I was so disgusted and I was thinking about his wrinkly skin touching mine and all I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub it off but I had $1000 cash in my hand for a couple hours of work which was so crazy and kinda made it all worth it ya know?” - Ariana to me

I was immediately skeptical and a little grossed out but Kiara genuinely seemed happier. She was buying new clothes for herself, ordering food to the apartment when she was hungry, and taking trips into NYC to have fun with Ariana and her friends. By the beginning of the summer of 2019, Kiara had found the Sugar Daddy who she would establish a long term agreement with and who ultimately ended up completely supporting her. I’m not going to say his name here but if people want to know it just ask, I am willing to share. He moved her into a much nicer much bigger apartment with Ariana as her roommate. He paid for me to fly up and visit her, and all of our activities during this vacation. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry. I wish I shoved the money back in her hand before it was too late, I wish I worked harder and longer hours and got us an apartment in Florida and paid both of our rent. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t listen to my instincts and allowed her to brush off my concerns. It was the most freedom we had ever had, I ran around NYC by myself while she was at work, and my ex took the bus to NJ from upstate NY and joined us for a few days. I feel so selfish but I also didn’t know how bad things would get.

One night Kiara and I went to NYC for dinner with her SD and she took the bus back to the apartment because she had to work early the next morning. It made sense for me to stay in the city because I was supposed to visit my friend at NYU the next morning. In the Uber to his apartment alone with him he was drunk and high and I very clearly looked scared shitless. At this point she was 19 (but she had looked that way since age 17 and I doubt he would have minded if she was lying about her age), I was 21 and he was 44. He seemed offended by my discomfort and was basically like “jeez relax I’m not gonna touch you, I really care about Kiara I think she’s so amazing, just go to the guest room and sleep, make a left to walk to NYU when you wake up.” I peaced the fuck out of there early the next morning.

After that summer Kiara and Ariana quit their jobs at the Korean salon and sugaring became their sole incomes. Ariana was still doing one time meet ups, not nearly as financially stable as Kiara, and got herself into a lot of credit card debt that to my knowledge she’s still in. At this point Kiara was flying down and staying with me in Florida so often that people at my college thought she went there too. I also wasn’t working at this point because college had gotten harder and my ex was fucking up my mental health real bad. He had given me a coke problem and Kiara sending me “grocery money” was enabling me to continue. I wasn’t honest with her about where all the money was going. During Halloween week we didn’t know that she couldn’t just snort molly (MDMA) with the frequency I was doing coke, she ODed, my guy best friend took us to the ER, it was so fucking scary, she got IV fluids for 2 hours and made a full recovery, she stopped doing molly, I kept doing coke. I’m so sorry :(

In November her SD paid for us to take a trip to Cancun Mexico. He was with us for the first part of the trip and this is where things started to get really bad. He tried to be my friend and act the way a boyfriend of my best friend who was my age would, but it was creepy and wrong and I was so uncomfortable. He asked about my drug use in a way that was gross and shamey and basically him seeing me as the “coke whore” stereotype...while continuing to buy me more coke. He also brought and gave us ecstasy pills. He asked really invasive questions about my relationship with my ex, why I stayed, my sex life, etc. It felt like an uncle asking me these questions, I did NOT wanna talk about any of this with him. But from what I did say it was very clear to someone with 44 years of life experience that I had an abusive mother, an addictive personality, and was in an unhealthy relationship. He offered to set me up with an SD friend of his looking for a sugar baby. I of course declined because I always knew this was a boundary I wasn’t willing to cross. No matter how bad my addictions got I would NOT give up that piece of myself in return for money.

In this part of Mexico, drugs that were only given with a prescription in the US were available over the counter. Kiara and I got a little box of 1mg Xanax with my money. My ex had given us Xanax a couple times in NY and we had fun with it, but at this point in time we did NOT have a problem with it. We had bought one bar, broken it in half, and each took half one night of Halloween week and called it “xanpires”, but this wasn’t something we were scripted or buying regularly from plugs. We went to dinner with her SD, we got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately slipped and hit the ground. I was like woah did you take one of the xans and forget? Because we were supposed to tell each other if we were taking one so we could look out for each other. I was never mad at her! I never wanted money from her! I was just a little concerned, and once I determined that she was safe we thought it was kinda funny that she had taken a xan without realizing and started joking around about it. Her SD of course didn’t understand how a 19 year old and 21 year old girl joke with each other because he was a creepy old man, decided that we were “arguing”, and got up from the restaurant, walked across the street, bought a 90 count bottle of 2mg xans and gave it to me. This was honestly the most irresponsible way someone has ever treated me in my life, and this is coming from someone with an abusive and neglectful parent. Google “benzo withdrawal” if you’re not familiar with it.

We went to a different hotel, and Kiara and I both took xans and blacked out. I passed out on the guest bed, while Kiara was awake but in a conscious blackout. I woke up on the couch on the balcony (which was fine, it was comfy and I saw the sunrise over the beach. The gross part was that meant her SD had picked me up, put his hands on my body while I was unconscious and carried me out there). I remembered that at one point I had woken up, wanted to go to the bathroom or get something from inside, caught a glimpse of what I thought was them having sex, and went back outside. I mentioned it to Kiara and she had no memory of it whatsoever, she thought all she had done was gone to sleep. She was rightfully pissed the fuck off that her SD had taken advantage and done things with her while she was blacked, screamed at him, he gave us a half ass apology, and bought us more stuff (buying our silence). He finally flew home and we got to enjoy the trip with just each other, but I was careless with the dosage of a drug called tramadol, and I ODed with my head in her lap...I’m sorry. When I woke up I was hallucinating, hearing voices, crying hysterically and terrified. Kiara called my ex who asked how many mg I took, told us I was 100mg short of the amount that would require medical attention, made me laugh, and told me to go to sleep. I recognize how scary and unfair to her this was and I really do take responsibility for my actions. The day I was supposed to leave I did ecstasy, hooked up with a guy from Canada, and tried to skip my flight. She was mad because like yeah what the fuck. She got me on the flight, the ecstasy comedown hit, and there’s pictures of me crying in the airport because I hated when we fought.

I was supposed to stop in Miami, then fly back to my college town but while in Miami I texted my granny that I was “sad and really didn’t feel good and could she and my uncle visit me at the airport and bring my uncles dog?”. Her parenting instincts went off that something was very wrong, made me skip the flight, picked me up from the airport and took me to her house where I immediately threw up and ran an extremely high fever that night. She said it was one of the scariest nights of her life and she kept checking on me to see if I needed to go to the hospital. She drove me back to my college town where my guy best friend took me to the ER and it came out that Kiaras SD, in addition to giving me drugs, had also allowed me to drink Mexican tap water throughout the entire trip. I was treated for that + given chlamydia meds just in case since I’d had unprotected sex in a foreign country. I was fine, promised to do better, Kiara forgave me, things started to go back to normal. Except I had begun taking Xanax daily to deal with the anxiety of the illness...and she had a trip to Bali planned.

During that trip things managed to get even worse. She was there with her SD and another Korean friend and her SD was pressuring her and guilting her into sex, isolating her from her friend, going through her phone, and becoming extremely aggressive. She would call me crying and having panic attacks and I would walk out of class to try to comfort her over FaceTime. She did not have panic attacks before this trip. She begged to go home early because something was very wrong but he said it was a waste of money and kept her in Bali until the planned end of the trip. I think it was almost a month. She sent me a recording she secretly took of him screaming at her and her saying “don’t touch me, don’t grab me like that, leave me alone”. When she got back to the US I was begging her to stop. I was so worried for her safety. I said the money wasn’t worth it, we’ll get jobs, please just stop. I’m pretty sure he read those messages. We also had a suspicion that he had installed spyware on her phone but were never able to prove it. At this point I also reached out to my dad for help and his response was basically “I don’t care, not my problem, focus on school”. I reached out to my granny who absolutely cared, but her response was “I’m sorry but I can’t afford to support her, I have to focus on taking care of you, if she won’t stop this you’ll have to stop being friends with her”.

I went home to New York for winter break, suffered through my first round of Xanax withdrawal and was truly trying to get better but my ex manipulated his was back in my life and got me addicted again....but now this bottle of 90 had run out. I went back to my college town, got scripted, and was copping street bars when my script inevitably ran out early. What comes next is blurry for obvious reasons. We moved to the town in Florida my granny lived in and got an apartment together. The female friends she made in our town (my current home) she got most of them into sugaring and using SeekingArrangement. Things deteriorated super fast at this point. I was struggling hard, failing my online classes, and eventually got completely financially cut off by my parents. My granny was paying my half of the rent and my puppy’s vet bills but I was too embarrassed to admit I couldn’t afford groceries. Kiara was pressuring me hard to go on SeekingArrangement but I still refused. I would sit on the floor of the bathroom in a towel after I showered and just cry because the steam made me nauseous and dizzy since I wasn’t eating.

I met my current boyfriend and something just started to click: I didn’t wanna live like this anymore. The mom of a friend from this town who also refuses to sugar landed me an interview at the gym I currently work at, I fought for the job, and I got it. Now I knew I didn’t wanna be completely fucked up all the time anymore but I was still doing enough Xanax to keep me out of withdrawal. The 2mg that had blacked me out at the beginning were now just barely enough to keep me functional. Kiara and I were fighting frequently and bad by this time. She and her partner in sugaring, Mena (not her real name but pretty close to it, fuck this bitch fr) were expecting me to keep how they made their money a secret....from friends and guys that I saw every single day. They both very obviously did not work and were flexing new cars, designer clothes, and cash all over their social media. Kiara thought she could cover her ass by saying she dealt drugs but it was also obvious that she wasn’t putting the time into that to come up with the amount of money she had. The only one dealing drugs was me, and not enough to do anything flashy, just enough that in addition to my work money I was usually getting enough to eat. But there were still some times when the previous weeks paycheck had run out and I was having my first meal of the day at 3pm after someone had bought adderall from me. We had our serious serious fight where she threw my stuff in the lawn and I lived with my current boyfriend full time for about a couple weeks since my bedroom at my granny’s was getting refloored when this happened.

By January 20th he was concerned by my Xanax problem and wanted me to seriously try to stop. At the time I started tapering because I wanted the girlfriend title but I’m forever grateful for him giving me a reason, even if it was a shallow one, because I just needed to START. We tried to reconcile once, despite boyfriend and guy best friend begging me not to, and of course the same problems reappeared, we had another serious fight and haven’t spoken since.

Now the fog is clearing and today I’m 96 days clean of xanax, 16 days clean of all benzos, and 19 days clean of gabapentin (what was keeping me from having a seizure while quitting benzos). But it’s hard because being out of the fog means feeling all of my emotions, even the really bad ones. This past week I’ve been waking up and crying sitting in front of my mirror trying to put my makeup on for work and it just drips right off and I have to start over. She was my best friend for 8 years. My favorite person. My partner in life. I loved her more than anyone.

My boyfriend and guy best friend are pretty uncomfortable when they hear someone express an opinion of me that’s “Kiara’s side of the story” and I don’t correct it. Both of them saw exactly how bad it got near the very end and don’t get why I don’t defend myself more or tell people about her letting my dog eat dab (THC) wax while she was supposed to be watching her and having to be rushed to the animal hospital TWO separate times. (She’s a Pomeranian and the highly concentrated THC was super dangerous to her tiny little body). Yelling at me and giving me the silent treatment because less than 48 hours after my SA she expected me to drive her to a hair appointment in Miami and I woke up late and didn’t get her there on time with traffic. Me begging her to be there for me when it felt like everything was falling apart and I self harmed for the first time and her leaving me to go on a vacation to Orlando with a girl we didn’t even really like. Me not wanting to sleep in the apartment alone after my SA and her not letting me sleep in her bed anymore, her and Mena just dumping me at the neighbor’s so they could continue to sugar, party, and see guys our age at night (this sounds super awful but neighbors roommate —> current boyfriend. He kept me safe until I felt better, was really sweet and careful, and I was the one to make the first move). There’s more but I really don’t like talking about it, after the abuse she went through and I assume is still going through, I expect her to be pretty damaged and not have it in her to treat people right all the time. Not exposing every bad thing she’s ever done to all our mutual friends and acquaintances is kind of my last gift to her.

I also admit that sugaring wasn’t responsible for everything that went wrong. Loving an addict is difficult and exhausting and I went through it myself with my ex. I was also out bi and she was “probably straight, maybe a little bi-curious” in her words. But when she was drunk or on Xanax she’d kiss me first...we had done more than kiss but only during 3somes with a guy. I don’t know, I think I loved her more than I was supposed to and some of the stuff she’d say made me think she saw me in a way she really didn’t. When we first moved to this town I had a thing with a girl and expected it to be no big deal but things here were different than up north. I got called the d slur for the first time by someone who wasn’t joking. It was like getting slapped I was so shocked and hurt, I truly didn’t think that happened anymore. I think she saw what happened to me and kinda closed off that part of herself because she didn’t wanna experience that herself. She stopped making out with me at bars and parties after that and it made me sad and maybe a little jealous. But I really do blame her SD for basically “breaking her”, for handing me that first bottle of free Xanax, for a lot of other little things that I can’t possibly include because this is already way too long. This is my first time even saying this much. Feel free to add your own experiences or thoughts on this or anything you’d like. [I’m prepared to get death threats or called a SWERF or whatever but I don’t care, now that I started talking about this I’m not going to stop.]

#terf safe #terfs please touch #terfs please interact #radfem #radical feminists please touch #radical feminst #radical feminism #terf #swerfs please interact #swerf #anti prostitution #addiction #recovery #terfs do touch #sugardadddy

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wolfloupen · 2 years

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RHY RHY HI HI BELOEVD YOUNGER BROTHER SIBLING OF MIND HI HELLO you're so smart you're a genius i wrap u up in blankets and protect u from the horrors of the world if i could because man MAN youre just. u dont deserve some of the shit youve gone through or are going through. you make such fun scenarios and ideas and aus and you never fail to hit me in the gut with the most heartwrenching angst and even your soft stuff manages to make me cry which is honestly an amazing accomplishment on your part considering how emotionally stunted i am at times and just man. man. ive only been talking to you for like 2 months but it feels like ive been doing it my whole life and i love being a member of this stupid little family we've got going on its incredible and theres always some kind of shit going down and i love every single second of it and i love every single amazing thought you have

Arsene youre sleep deprived

Im sleep deprived

ily too ily ithjs was great to read yeah ily

Im gonna hug u everydayxaffwr we meet

#lupin tag

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khaleesiofalicante · 3 years

Note

me, nodding of to sleep: IM HERE IM HERE

did my head just loll to the side? you will never know. first of all this chapter was the most beautiful thing i have ever read. Mavid have my HEART. It's also 4 16 am so im sorry if the reactions are a little bland but this was PERFECT.

me, throughout the whole thing: mavid mavid mavid

They had kissed for the first time almost a week ago. And they had kissed again. A couple of times.

Okay fine, they had kissed a lot since then.

Not a lot a lot. But a lot.

Wait a minute. How much kissing was a lot of kissing?

this is adorable

“I heard he cried when he found out Lexi and Liv were dating,” David chuckled.

yup that's jace

“We have to pay to talk on the phone?” Max asked incredulously. “I thought it was free.”

“Of course it isn’t free, Max!” David chuckled. “We have to pay for WiFi too.”

“This is ridiculous!” Max said. “Next you will say we have to pay for electricity.”

“Um, we do have to pay for electricity,” David chuckled again.

we pay for water too

but max you didnt know-

“Don’t let them guilt trip you!” Max had chastised. “They like doing chores. Let them do it. They fight demons all day and then come home and do chores. I feel like it’s their form of therapy. They need this.”

cant relate nope

“I don’t know,” Max groaned. “My family is so dramatic.”

the lightwood-banes in one sentence

THERE ARE SO MANY FEELS MY HEART CANNOT CONTAIN

“Well, too late!” Max announced. “This date is going to be the best first date in the history of first of dates.”

In retrospect, he really shouldn’t have said that.

nah its gonna be great

“Perhaps you should just take him to the New York Library. They have, uh, books.”

yes that is what they keep in libraries

OH MY GOD THE FRIEND IS ELYASS

HERE'S MY FAVORITE DEMON Y'ALL

His parents would not be pleased if they knew Max was summoning demons for relationship advice.

But they had also encouraged Max to make friends with everyone regardless of their identity. So, technically this was their fault. They gave him very mixed messages.

well-

you know i really shouldnt have laughed at the demon attack news but for some reason i did

i blame my sleep deprivation

shit i feel sick

you know maybe i shouldve just waited till the morning...

ok but the demon attack is NOT coincidental

there is something going on

“I thought dragon demons were extinct!” Max yelled over the commotion.

well-

ANJALI

“Man, fuck the orders!” Max said in frustration.

if you get hurt ill kill you

oh it's not her

well fuck

“That was an Armani, you piece of shit!” Rafael yelled at the demon. Max almost laughed.

THE AUDACITY

It really did. Dragon demons smelled like they lived inside a boys locker room.

well that's nice to know

FUCK THEY ARE TALKING NOW???

ok what is going on

“Say the thing!!!”

“I’m not saying the damn thing, you maniac!”

“Say the thing!”

Rafael groaned and raised his hands, the alliance rune lighting up.

“I’m not just a shadowhunter,” Rafael said through gritted teeth. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

LMAO THEM

“Well, demons are stupid,” Max pointed out.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Rafael said with a mouthful of food. “You are half demon after all.”

Im so sleepy i cant even react to this

but THEM I CANT-

WHERE.IS.ALEC

Max wanted to laugh. Only David would worry about another person while being injured in the infirmary.

MUST BE PROTECTED

Max nodded; his throat still dry. He couldn’t stop staring at David. At the wound. At the blood.

Also, maybe the naked chest.

AHEM

OH MY GOD JAIME IS ALIVE

we're getting lightwood-bane fluff LET ME CRY

alec...

on one hand alec smoking is fucking hot BUT WITH THE MUNDANE DISEASES OH HELL NAH

“But it tastes so good when it’s from your plate!” Max said with a mouth full of food.

“Oh, you want my food? Here!” Rafael grinned and threw a piece of chicken at his face.

Max caught it with his mouth cause wasting food was a crime. “Thanks, bro!”

“You little s-”

HE CAUGHT IT IN HIS MOUTH

“And no fighting over chicken!” Bapak pointed out. “We can always summon some more.”

“Order,” dad corrected. “We don’t summon. We order. And then we pay.”

“How do we destroy capitalism if we have to pay for everything?” Max asked.

Max has a point y'know

“That’s rich coming from someone who is wearing an Armani jacket,” Max stuck out his tongue.

“It was a gift!” Rafael said, furiously chewing on his chicken.

“Does that mean Bapak is a capitalist?” Max asked.

LMAO

Max: What even-

Max: Can shadowhunters get high on iratzes lol

CAN THEY???

David: Mr Herondale yelled “Yes! Two out of three!”

MOOD

PLEASE RAFAEL AND MAGNUS ARE LIKE "About time"

SAME THOUGH

“David is what you get if Dad and Uncle Jace and Uncle Jem had a baby.”

STOP NO

“Oh,” Max said. “Uh, David and I…We are dating.”

Dad choked on his coffee. “Excuse me?”

Bapak chuckled next to him. “Of course you didn’t know.”

“You two are dating?” dad demanded. “Since when? Who else knows about this? Why didn’t you tell us before? Were you dating when you were in London? Magnus, did you know about this?”

“There you go!” Max yelled triumphantly. “That’s the dramatic reaction I was looking for. Thanks, dad!”

There's alec. Yup

OH MY GOD NOT THE SEX TALK

good thing i had wattpad I MEAN-

“Kissing?” dad gaped. “On the mouth???”

“Um, where else would we kiss?” Max asked incredulously.

“Well, actually,” Bapa cleared his throat. “There are many ways you can enjoy-”

IM CACKLING

And that’s how the next hour turned out to be the most painful and most embarrassing hour of his life.

Max decided he would rather get attacked by a hoard of dragon demons than sit through it any longer

“You guys know we have something called the internet, right?” Max demanded.

“Well, the internet can have mixed messages,” Bapak sniffed. “We on the other hand have real life experien-”

“Magnus!” dad looked red in the face.

“Fine,” Bapak sighed. “Now moving on to the importance of lubrication and-”

“I’m begging you to stop,” Max groaned.

THE NOISES WHICH LEFT MY MOUTH ARE NOT OK TO BE MAKING AT 3 30 AM

“I’ll have you know this conversation utterly traumatized me. I demand financial compensation.”

HE'S SO DRAMATIC

“Well,” dad said carefully. “David is…”

“French?” Max asked.

i blame my sleep deprived ass for laughing at this

next thing i know someone's being tortured and im laughing because i dont have sleep in my system

Max honey...

listen to him

i for one, dont want a repeat of pg 511 cols

oh he's finding out about the incident

that's what i call it

Max thought of all the stories he had heard then. The one of the warlock who killed people who he could bring back his dead girlfriend. The one about a nephilim mother who paired up with prince of hell to bring back her dead son.

oh yeah...

shudder

They called it The Jem effect.

AYYYYY

It was true. In fact, he used to have a crush on both Tessa and Jem. It’s how he had found he was bisexual.

very very valid. have a good day sir

AWW MAX DIDNT KNOW HE COULD BLUSH

you know it's a sign ive been watching b99 too much that i was imagining mina talking like gina...

pls send help

ALSO MINA BESTEST SDCHJDFVYDYUGFYUGFVDYVFD

“Can we not talk about my boyfriend’s sperm, please?”

im surprised my parents havent woken up by the sound i let out

BUT HEY THE DOOR'S CLOSED SO

SUGGENS MINA

“I’m hearing an inflated sense of self-importance,” he heard Ragnor call from the bathroom. “Is Magnus here?”

“Just the spawn,” Max called back.

THE SPAWN BYE-

“He is married to the Consul!” Tessa chuckled. “And one of his sons is a shadowhunter.”

“It’s still very bad for our reputation,” Ragnor grumbled. “He is too close with shadowhunters.��

“You are the headmaster of Scholomance!” Catarina said incredulously. “You teach nephilim! Even though you don’t need a job!”

“I was coerced!” Ragnor huffed. “Manipulated by the children of the angel.”

really ragnor?

The grin disappeared and Ragnor buried his face on Catarina’s shoulder. “I can’t go through this again, Cat! Not again!”

“So much for not taking up after his father, huh?” Catarina chuckled and looked at him. “That’s nice, Max. We are happy for you.”

“We are not!” Ragnor said in a muffled voice.

RAGNOR DJHDCUHUKIHDVVFDDB

OOOO MAX DIDNT KNOW ABOUT CAMILLE

a kind of endless love...

dont make me cry

“I know you are worried, love,” Tessa’s voice was a whisper. “You are worried about surviving after David. You are worried about your own heart. But you should never let that fear stop you from finding love. Because love is what sustains us immortals. It keeps us alive. When you love a mortal, you love them forever. You might not remember all the memories. The colour of their eyes or the sound of their voice. But you will remember the love. You will carry that love inside you forever. It does not make you weak or fragile. It makes you stronger. And you will forever be grateful for it.”

my eyeballs are too tired to cry

stop it

THEY SAID I LOVE YOU

I FEEL LIKE A PROUD MOM

bitch you hate children wtf-

Max laughed. “I’m going to kill dad for making us do this. God, this is so weird!”

better get it done now

HE'S DAVID'S FOREVER

dont do this to me at 4 am

“You should two should some spend time together. Get to know each other and all of that,” Max suggested with a smile. “Maybe you can bond over archery or something.”

“I’m pretty sure he would use me for target practice,” David mumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous, David!” Max said incredulously. “My father doesn’t need target practice!”

At this point, a David and alec scene isn't a want its a NEED

“I got it all planned,” Max said – for someone who had no idea what he was going to do.

me throughout life

max Rafael isn't the one smoking-

OH MY GOD MY DAD JUST CAME TO CHECK ON ME THE WAY I SLAMMED MY LAPTOP

“Also tell him to stop smoking!” Max pointed out seriously. “It’s not good for his health! Especially with all the mundane illnesses going on.”

“I know, Max,” dad sighed heavily and blinked. “I mean, I’ll talk to him. For sure.”

Alec if anything happens to you...just know ill raise hell

“I don’t want easy,” David smiled. “I want you.”

IT'S 4 AM DUDE

AYYY THE SHANGHAI SHADOW MARKET

CELESTIAL PALACE

“Dad? The Consul? That dad?” David looked surprised and relieved all at once. “Oh my god, he doesn’t hate me!”

“Of course he doesn’t hate you!” Max chuckled. “But he did say he will put your nerd ass in the silent city if you don’t bring me home by 11.”

of course, he did

oh my god SLEEP. there is so much to do tomorrow dying...my grammar was really bad and I don't have what it takes to use Grammarly's corrections except for the ones it's already doing as type.

this chapter had my heart BURSTING!! AHHHHHHH

the talk was so important I'm so glad they took care of that. ok imma head to bed now BYEE

Eeeeeee this was a lot sfkjdfkd I hope you are okay. Get some sleep next time or I will call the police.

Thank you as always for reading, reacting and supporting 💚

#lbaf

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