#• luna lavinchi speaking •

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Hey! You....yea you, I see you. It'll be okay!

You've made it this far right? I am so proud of you. Just you waking up this morning is incredible! Keep going. I know its hard, I know it seems like it won't get better but it will....somehow, someway things will just align perfectly in a way you never imagined. You're a beautiful person filled with so much abundance. I acknowledge your work and progress, you got this! I'm your cheerleader and I'll keep cheering and praying you on until my last breath. C'mon we got this! I'm holding your hand along the way, you may not feel me there but I'm there in spirit. I know what its like so you don't need to explain, just take a deep breath in through your nose then take a deep breath out through your mouth. Good job! Keep going. This will calm your anxiety and regulate your mood. It takes a while of practice but you got this! You can handle anything that comes your way. You are unstoppable, you are unique, you are precious, you are abundant, you are blessed by the almighty power. See, since being here you've gotten your mind off stuff and have been hearing the truth. You are worth healing, you are worth love, you are worth your biggest dreams.

Let's give thanks for what we have, gratitude helps alot! Thank you for this day, thank you for the earth, thank you for the grass, thank you for the sun, thank you for the rain, thank you for the ability to see, thank you for my lungs that breathe in fresh air everyday, thank you for my heart, thank you for music, thank you for the ability to grow (i know hearing this might give mixed emotions but once you slowly heal you'll realize emotions aren't scary....they come and go).

Thank you for joining me here today. I hope you have a lovely day/night. Take care my lovely, treat yourself with kindness and patience. <3

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #luna's here #gentle reminder #mental health #mental health recovery #healing #positive vibes #positivity #positive mental attitude #positive thoughts #graditude #safe space post #i love you so much #you are capable #comfort

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Having a moment where I feel so good about myself after doing self care, one of those moments where I can feel proud that I'm on my trauma recovery journey.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #positive mental attitude #self care

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Having my last therapy session tomorrow. My therapist is leaving and this hurts like hell. Been crying and trying to breathe and collect my thoughts, I know I have to allow myself to grieve this.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #somewhat vent #end of a season #cptsd healing

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #living with cptsd #cptsd vent #complex ptsd #diet culture trauma #monsters inside me #toxic health culture #ex vegitarian/vegan #emotional flashbacks #health documentaries #dark side of veganism #i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not #-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years- #-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the #-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say. #I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks- #-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's- #-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am- #-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this. #(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you) #tw food talk #tw diet culture #tw vent in tags #(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much) #(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me- #-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an- #-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.- #-therapist W)

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Me when I feel annoying for being repetitive on a subject but I'm literally autistic with adhd so I like talking about things repetitively and cannot shut up for the life of me 😭

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #autism #autistic adult #autism things #adhd #adhd things #audhd #neurodivergent #silly me hehe

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

I need it to be halloween, spooky scary season. And the scary cats and movies. Pumpkin everything

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #high thoughts

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

"You're too old to be acting this way"

"You're an adult now, why do you like toys?"

"Real adults don't do (insert "childlike" activities)"

Ok?...says who? There shouldn't be an issue with liking cartoons or "childish" things. Especially when autistic/neurodivergent we don't believe or recognize social standards, What defines something as just a kid's show? Just because someone has an interest in cute things and cartoons doesn't mean its a bad thing. I didn't have a typical childhood, I lost most of my childhood by having to help raise my siblings and mediate my parents....I had to grow up fast and block out my emotions, indulging in cartoons or allowing myself to reclaim those lost years are not only healing but is also comforting to me. It's scary to know I'm an adult now and that somehow it's some sin for me to watch cartoons and like toys or dolls. I want to heal and feel safe, I want to do those things my younger self could only dream and wish of.

Lately I feel so conflicted because I've been getting more anxiety/panic attacks due to emotional flashbacks which can last me hours, I feel upset because I don't want to feel these emotions and I feel gross at myself for feeling like I'm my younger self. Idk how to explain it and its scary cause I never really experienced this at least not this much until now, I don't like when I mentally feel back in the headspace of my younger self and at times I am scared of my surroundings because I'll feel I'm in a unfamiliar area, I am alone in this because I know I probably sound crazy and I have yet to mention this to my therapist (but will soon). It's involuntary and I hate it because it will be scary usually and the only thing I can do to calm myself down is just do things I'd do at that age, so if I feel I'm mentally in the headspace of 8 then I'd just listen to music or do activities 8 year old me enjoyed. I feel I will be hated or even disowned because of this even tho I am not doing this purposely. When I am criticized for liking kid things it hurts because I am only trying to have and live the life I never really got. Anyway I am exposing myself alot by sharing this but if I don't get this out I feel I'll explode with another panic attack.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #vent #living with cptsd #normalize adults having interests in “kid” like things #(if any of my friends are reading this i hope you understand and don't think different or bad of me) #autistic adult #neurodivergent #actually ocd #feelings of guilt

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

The worst feeling is when I feel that I'll never be a mom/have my own family because of my trauma. The thoughts that leak into my brain as I have flashbacks to moments in childhood and remember what I'd think as a kid, I don't like remembering those things and it makes me scared that I won't be stable enough in the future to be a mom or that I'll hurt my kids without meaning to but I would never. I am healing but its hard when my mind reminds me of these terrible things.

If any of you feel this way know that ur not alone and that good things will come, i promise! We can heal and wait for it together <3

#actually cptsd #living with cptsd #cptsd recovery #ocd thoughts #brain is silly #vauge posting #vent #• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Weed good

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #random #weed thoughts #azumanga daioh gif

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Reminder to the person reading this:

TIME USED FOR HEALING ISN'T WASTED TIME!

You are working on yourself and that isn't wasted time no matter how long it takes! I love you and I'm proud of you! Keep going, you got this!

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #trauma healing #healing journey #positive vibes #positive mental attitude #reminder in case today was hard

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Holy shit.....they really don't lie about shadow work journaling...damn, learning things and beliefs I've had that I wasn't aware of. I am genuinely shocked right now.

I feel kinda lighter somehow

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #cptsd healing #cptsd recovery #trauma healing #journaling #shadow work

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Me when I remember I won't see my therapist anymore

This gif it literally how I feel, just looking at my patient portal knowing soon it will be closed down and I won't ever get to see her name in my therapy appointments ever again :(

Fuck a first breakup, not getting to see your first therapist anymore is fucking me up tonight....someone who i could tell things I never really told anyone, an adult who gave me the support and acceptance I've wanted my whole life. Like idc if she was payed to do that she genuinely did care about me and was always bringing things into therapy that reminded her of me, I loved teaching her things I learned from my own research on psychology and mental health and the smile she'd make at me as I explained keeps playing in my head as my heart feels like its being stabbed. She felt like the mom I always wanted and the moment I realized that was when she announced to me that she would be leaving soon and all that time I've spent reflecting on how I wish I could have shared more with her but I was afraid to and also scared because of legal reasons.....I just miss her alot and wish her the best in life. I wanna make her proud, I want to do something good with my life.....and maybe someday she can find my name and see how far I've come.

God I'm so emotional, like I know I have a mother but oh my god my therapist was just so raw with emotions and would explain things in a way that would make me understand instead of yelling and insulting me like my mother has always done. I love my mom and always will but like my therapist has told me...she will never be the mom I want/need her to be and I have to greive that.

When I said goodbye to my therapist on Monday I tried to not cry that much, I wanted to stay strong but I also knew I had to allow myself to feel the emotions. At the end of our session she made sure it was just her and I then she hugged me....I tried holding my tears but they started coming down my face then she pouted a bit then hugged me a second time and I just started fucking bawling and then when I tried wiping my tears and looking up she said "just one more" and held me so tight and I just wish it could've lasted longer. It keeps playing in my head over and over again, I fucking miss her. I will survive and keep progressing in my healing journey because I'm strong and I know she believes in me so I will believe in me too.

I will work hard and succeed for my inner child and my therapist....

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #vent post #in my feels #i miss my therapist #she will always be in my heart #living with cptsd #neurodivergent #anxious attachment

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Ocd having me at the clutches and I wanna escape but I'm so scared of loosing compulsions and habits I've had for so long.

One of my biggest compulsions that I'd do sometimes since 13 is going to google/quora/reddit to "be prepared" for the scary situations i "could" go through (me just seeking reassurance by searching solutions for my intrusive thoughts). Whether its health anxiety or fear of me doing those morally wrong things, I will go to search what to do or how to prevent it. It didn't become a problem or chronic until early last year (2023), now I'm having a hard time preventing myself from searching the simplest shit and I feel embarrassed and crazy.

- (Example)

Me: *Brain plays long detailed scenario where I am with friends, I'm so happy, going places like the mall and feeling safe to be myself then suddenly I'm hated by them, or they laugh at me, or they find out my mistakes or the things I feel horrible about from my past. Or maybe it will just be me yelling and treating my friends/mutuals like shit and ruining the love I have* (this will play over and over again in my head as I try to tell myself its all fake and negative, that it wouldn't happen and that if it did who cares cause its not happening at the moment. Telling myself that I would never treat my friends bad because I would never want to hurt anybody.)

Me: *goes to google and searches "what should I do if my friends abandon me at a mall?", "how to tell if im being a burden to my friends", "how to tell if my friend is pretending to like me?" "How to tell my friends about my mental health without coming across as trauma dumping"* (A process which is not only exhausting but very repetitive. I will search these things to reassure myself and be prepared and see other experiences online for if it happens to me I can be "safe". It can be any topic and I will search and go on quora, it can take hours of my days. Days in a row I'll research the same shit and keep reading the same answered responses on quora hoping that I'll somehow find the answers I seek, to just end my anxiety and doubts but it never happens. I only found out a couple weeks ago that this was a compulsion and I've been working so hard on it but I'm scared to let it go cause the fear of the unknown is too much for me, I'm used to reading the things online and searching stuff....I'm trying so hard to just go cold turkey on it, but I'm scared I'll miss it too much or that somehow something bad will happen. The joy of ocd -_- This disorder is hell but I want to take my life back, living with this for slightly over a decade has not been fun and I rather have the pain of treatment then continue the suffering of endless reassurance seeking.)

I know my friends love me and that I overthink due to trauma responses and ocd, its terrifying to be uncertain in life....I know its not easy for anyone but having a disorder that eats at me, convincing me that im a horrible person or crazy is genuine hell. I do my best to not seek reassurance from friends because its not their fault my brain works like this, I don't want people thinking I don't have trust in them...I really do love my friends deeply, I'm just afraid of being hurt and its so stupid cause I've never been given any reasons to feel this way in any of my current friendships but the memories of past friendships makes my mind obsess over being certain on everything when life doesn't work like that. I do my best to be mindful and tell myself "how did they act when we last spoke?, did they seem upset? No?.... then everything is fine", I will look at old memories and messages to remind myself that its all okay and that I need to trust my own judgment more instead of my intrusive thoughts, because they are not me!

Anyway yeaaa its late but I can't sleep cause my brain just wants to keep researching how to fix problems instead of accept the uncertainty. I know someday I'll get better and not struggle with this as much but for now I am taking it one day at a time hoping that nobody grows tired of me, my trauma responses, and ocd.

I'm proud i can be where I'm at now, it doesn't seem like alot but compared to 2022 I'm better at knowing when scenarios are fake (yes....I used to genuinely think I was hated or being annoying because of my thoughts in 2022 and would obsessively ask the person as a form of seeking reassurance).

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #actually ocd #ocd thoughts #living with ocd #living with cptsd #neurodivergent #mix of c-ptsd in there too 🤭 (silly) #just ranting a bit but wanted to share what was on my mind. its hard to be vulnerable especially when it comes to my ocd fears but part of- #-exposing myself like this in a public setting helps me analyze my irrational ocd thoughts and hopefully help others to know they are NOT- #-alone. anyway ily mwah mwah /p #(p.s if i misspelled words ignore that....its abt to be 2am and my mind is a bit static-y rn)

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Sister: Hey, I'm proud of you for existing today.

Me high: yeaaa, you too..... *does finger guns*

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #high talk

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

High as hell and I feel like my nose is broken, it hurttsssss

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #high thoughts

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY HELP THAT 13 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO WAS CRYING HERSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT TRYING TO HOLD IT TOGETHER?!

WHY DID NOBODY NOTICE THAT 11 YEAR OLD GIRL WHO WAS SAD AND WITHDRAWN, BLAMING THE DEATH OF HER DOG ON HERSELF AND BEATING HERSELF UP INTERNALLY EVERYDAY?!

ITS ME, I'M THAT GIRL...IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT AND I HARDLY RECONIZE HER. WHERE THE HELL WAS EVERYONE? WHY COULDN'T ANYBODY HELP ME?

My brain tried to block it all away to protect me but now I'm being attacked by my own brain by remembering, I hate it. I hate feeling not enough. I hate these thoughts and memories. It all is too much, I want to be healed already. I'm exhausted of feeling pathetic, of being clean of addictions and bad habits just to feel like I'm not doing enough. Idk why I'm even having an episode right now, I want to be normal, I want to be fine.

#• luna lavinchi speaking • #luna talks #vent #cptsd vent #living with cptsd #having an episode of some sort #feel like I'm dying #i dont want to be alone like this forever