Reflections on Reading the Zhuangzi as a Transsexual
[I realised Tumblr doesn't have character limits so I can just repost my whole essay instead of linking it]
The Zhuangzi begins with a transformation. The great fish Kun in the Northern Oblivion turns, quite suddenly, into an equally great bird named Peng, who begins flying toward the Southern Oblivion. Peng’s great size means he must fly at an astronomical height, and below him on the ground, the cicada and the fledgling dove laugh at his excess. They are quite happy hopping between trees, and think Peng ridiculous for being so huge.
Of the commentators, Guo Xiang sees in this story a radical equality between divergent perspectives, that “each [being] fits perfectly into precisely the position it occupies”. Cheng Xuanying sees a commitment to constant change and to adapting oneself to one’s newfound disposition. I myself stand somewhat more than six feet tall, and weigh somewhat more than a hundred kilograms; I fit only awkwardly into chairs and clothes, and take up more space than those around me. I am also, lately, a woman, which has the effect of emphasising my size. So as I read the story of Peng who was Kun, I wonder if he ever wished to be as small as a cicada or a dove. I wonder if he ever felt less of a bird for having once been a fish.
***
I came to Daoist philosophy through Ursula Le Guin’s rendition of the Daodejing. In the second poem of that small volume, I read:
The things of this world
exist, they are;
you can’t refuse them.
-like a moment of vertigo. I still can’t explain why this truism has the effect on me it does, but I find myself, in moments of pain or grief, reminding myself: this exists, it is, you can’t refuse it. Somehow, it helps.
***
There are innumerable Daoist texts, but three are esteemed above the rest — the Daodejing (sometimes called the Laozi after its legendary author Lao Dan), the Zhuangzi, and the Liezi. If the Daodejing is a still, clear pool, the Zhuangzi is a mess of currents. Elaborate stories of fantastical creatures vie for space with polemics against popular morality, logical paradoxes, and jokes at the expense of Confucius. Its most prominent theme is transformation, including the passage for which Zhuang Zhou is most famous in the West:
Once Zhuang Zhou dreamt he was a butterfly, fluttering about joyfully just as a butterfly would. He followed his whims exactly as he liked and knew nothing about Zhuang Zhou. Suddenly he awoke, and there he was, the startled Zhuang Zhou in the flesh. He did not know if Zhou had been dreaming he was a butterfly, or if a butterfly was now dreaming it was Zhou. Surely, Zhou and a butterfly count as two distinct identities! Such is what we call the transformation of one thing into another.
Like many passages in this text, it carries multiple meanings. It posits an equivalence between one entity and another, and also between dreaming and waking, suggesting that these are nothing more than a matter of perspective expressed in the indexical ‘I’; it also depicts the natural, unthinking spontaneity or ‘self-so’ that Daoism has at times held up as the highest form of life. It hints at moral particularism — the idea that no one way or mode of action or being will be appropriate at all times and in all places. And to a trans person, the casual dismissal of artificial categories and boundaries is intoxicating. Why should I accept the bounds of sex when Zhuang Zhou could not even be convinced of the validity of the boundaries of species?
***
Something I immediately found attractive in my reading around Daoism was the almost perverse indefinability of this movement. The name ‘Daoism’ is ambiguous between ‘philosophical Daoism’ — a quietist movement that emphasises emptiness and spontaneity, and de-emphasises rational thought and planning — and ‘religious Daoism’, a syncretic religion that worships Lao Dan as a god and advocates the pursuit of immortality through, among other things, alchemy. Within philosophical Daoism (sometimes called Lao-Zhuang after its most prominent thinkers), there is no doctrine or dogma that can uncontroversially be proclaimed. It is an anti-doctrine.
Even the great texts of Daoism reflect these ambiguities. The Daodejing is traditionally attributed to Lao Dan (or perhaps his name was Lao Er), about whom nothing is known — the earliest biographical account of Master Lao is internally incoherent, placing Lao in the timeline twice, two centuries apart. The most common view these days is that the Daodejing is a compilation of an unknown number of texts and authors. The Zhuangzi, meanwhile, was once a text of 52 chapters, but is now only extant as a 33-chapter book. Of those chapters, only the first seven can be attributed with confidence to Zhuang Zhou (about whom, in any case, little more is known than the mythical Lao Dan); the remaining 26 appear to be another compilation of writings by students, hangers-on, imitators and interlocutors, responding to the numinous Inner Chapters (as the first seven have become known). Both the Zhuangzi and the Daodejing were written before the category of Daoism was established — their authors would not have considered themselves Daoists. The Liezi, finally, is attributed to 5th-century BC philosopher Lie Yukou, but is now known to be a forgery compiled some eight centuries later, and one of its eight chapters expounds a hedonistic philosophy so at odds with the rest of the book it is often considered an interpolation.
***
My favourite story from the Zhuangzi is that of Carpenter Shi. The carpenter, on some journey, passes by a huge old tree. His apprentice stops to marvel, but his master disdains the tree, and lectures the apprentice on the tree’s uselessness — it’s too soft, too gnarled, to make into anything.
That night, Carpenter Shi dreams of the tree. In his dream, the tree defends itself. It tells Shi that its uselessness has been cultivated over a lifetime, and is a great benefit. If it were useful, it would have been cut down for lumber, or hemmed up in an orchard. Being useless means nobody has bothered to interfere with it, so that it has been able to grow to its full height and live to a ripe old age. The tree mocks Shi, asking him: what are you useful for?
At the core of much homophobia and transphobia is the idea that we are useless, barren, not fulfilling the duty for which humans were created by God or Evolution. This finds vicious expression in the prurient way that a certain variety of bigot likes to describe trans people’s genitals, but it tends to run as a current beneath most of the anxieties about gender transition. Zhuang Zhou’s joyful embrace of uselessness is a balm against this petty, shopkeeper’s utilitarianism. To be self-so is to be useless, immune to co-option and subordination to another’s agenda. When Daoists talk of Heaven (tian), they simply mean what is so of itself, not reduced by purpose or meaning.
***
There is, traditionally, no word for ‘Daoist’ in any Chinese language — in the sense of an ordinary or lay believer, analogous to ‘Christian’ or ‘socialist’. This could be regarded as a linguistic oddity, but I find in it a neat demonstration of the anti-doctrine of Lao-Zhuang thought. To say that one “is” a Daoist feels like a confusion, in the absence of a creed to be affirmed or a deity to dedicate oneself to. These texts talk instead about possessing the Way, in a manner that feels reminiscent of having rhythm or poise, or being able to dance. Not something known, or even a path walked, but the capacity to freely choose a direction and begin walking, leaving a new path in one’s wake.
***
Zhuangzi, too, challenges some trans orthodoxies. When he rejects fixed identity, personality and name, I think of the great public-relations effort by some trans organisations and allies to convince the world that trans people’s genders are Real in some objective, permanent, biological or metaphysical sense; that we have different brains or minds that mark us out somehow as distinct from the cis people we superficially resemble; that the doctors who assigned our genders at birth simply got it wrong, and with cis people, those doctors get it right. It’s harder to sell — and more challenging, especially for cis people, to hear — that gender assignment is an act of creative imposition, not a finding of already-existing scientific fact; that cis people’s genders are also acquired, chosen, and performed; that this is not science but storytelling.
The Consummate Person has no fixed identity, the Spirit Man has no particular merit, the Sage has no one name.
What if, instead of clinging to an identification with gender (or, for that matter, with transness), we could use the momentum of our transitions to cast ourselves away from these limits entirely? What if, as Cheng Xuanying said of Kun and Peng, “Whatever thousands of changes and ten thousands of transformations I may go through, not one of them fails to be myself”?
***
In the final story of the Inner Chapters of the Zhuangzi, we meet Swoosh of the Southern Sea, Oblivion of the Northern Sea, and Chaos of the Middle Sea. Swoosh and Oblivion want to do something nice for their friend Chaos. They realise that Chaos lacks the “seven holes” (the eyes, ears, nostrils, and mouth) by which people perceive the world, and resolve to give him this gift. Each day they drill a new hole, and by the seventh day, Chaos is dead.
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.
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Things to remember, Rem:
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💚you can't control people or things in life; you can only control YOUR actions
💚 Only YOU know yourself better than anyone else
💚 bad days don't make people. Nothing makes someone something. It comes from within
💚Trust yourself and your instincts. If not instincts, ask God to give you guidance or grant you the sound wisdom to discern.
💚love yourself and love everyone like you love yourself. Unconditionally. That is true compassion
💚Don't tether to things or people that weigh you down.
💚Everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect.
💚life is a journey not a destination
💚be patient with yourself, other people, and everything else in life in general
💚you are a good person, not a doormat
💚you are always loved.
💚 No matter how many people hate you there are a few that love you for who you are and not an idea
💚be kind to yourself and others
💚flow through life like water
💚 you are more than your diagnoses. Don't let anyone make you feel like they are you. They aren't!
💚Love God above all else and love your neighbor
💚 practice doesn't make perfect. But you'll be better than you were before.
💚declutter if you need to
💚 surround yourself w positive people
💚it's a bad day not a bad life
💚accept any fate. Face humiliation, mocking, and belittlement with dignity. Prepare for the worst case scenario. Any death, accept it with open arms and a smile. Embrace hell to get to heaven.
💚appearances never mattered. We were just taught they did.
💚Care less about worldly materials. They can always be given and taken away
💚nothing truly last forever
💚spend everyday, no matter how big or small, like it's your last
💚love the company you decide to keep tenfold
💚it's ok if you can't give
💚it's ok to take breaks
💚work like able and not like cain
💚 remember your passions, dreams, inspirations, and values
💚 remember your will to live and keep going even if it's just to keep going
💚 it's ok to agree to disagree
💚the past doesn't apply to the present unless it was a good teaching lesson. The future isn't here yet so why worry. Stay in the present. Hope for a better tomorrow
💚 if it's beyond your control; let it go
💚you are not just your race, agab (assigned gender at birth), ethnicity, perceived sexuality, disability, or mental illness. You are so much more
💚Don't care about the negativity people spread. Just don't consume it
💚they don't know you more than you do
💚keep fighting your battles, reaching your goals and dreams, and aspire to be better than the last version of you. and never give up! No matter what!
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