#Don't be too worried about me though

[spikeisawesome456]

I don’t tend to post personal things here, but I honestly don’t know where else to post this, since I don’t want to bother my friends with this all, nor do I want to bother my family, so please bare with me as I get everything off my chest. Feel free to ignore this if you want, it’s just a personal ramble about everything happening in my life, but if anyone has any advice or words of comfort, they would be appreciated.

Just a warning, this is long and rambling, so... be warned. I tried to add context, but it's a lot, oof.

So, as I stated here a few days ago, I just turned 25. And since then, everything seems to have taken a downhill tail spin to hell. Literally the night of my birthday, my dad’s appendix burst and we had to wait almost sixteen hours before it was finally dealt with. We didn’t even know what was wrong for about seven of those hours, since the hospital was hellishly crowded. I was absolutely terrified that I was going to lose my dad, who I am very close with and who does a lot for me with my various problems with anxiety and whatnot. Without him, I’d be literally lost.

Anyway, he made it through the surgery fine, but now he’s having problems with his throat and he has a cold, which is terrifying after he just went through surgery and we don’t know if it’s a major problem or something common. His doctors don’t seem super concerned now, but they’ve said if it gets worse that it could be a problem, and now I’m terrified that it will get worse.

On top of all of that, my daily life is still going on. I’m currently in grad school to get my master’s in educational counseling to hopefully become a school counselor, and I have an internship at a middle school that I have to get up early for, something I’ve not done since I middle school myself (since I had such bad anxiety in 8th grade that I developed migraines and was unable to wake up early without pain). I’ve gotten better over the years and have been waking up these past few weeks without any complications, but it’s exhausting me, especially since I’m still working part time after the internship as an after school teacher. I’m waking up at 6:35 am and am going straight through to 6:00 pm with only a half hour car ride as a break (which luckily I am a passenger for, since I don’t have a driver’s license and my dad drives me. Another thing he does for me that I’d be lost without him for).

And then, to put more complications on top of this all, my coworker is upset with me for something I can’t really change, since I’m just trying to do my job. She’s upset with me since I am fairly confident with the kids and with my role at the job, so I tend to answer the kids when they ask questions and am confident with how the program is run, since I’ve worked for the company for almost five years and have worked at this site specifically for almost two. She’s upset with me since she thinks the kids don’t respect her since I counter what she says, even though I don’t try to? I literally am just answering the kids’ questions and am doing what I’ve been told to do by our supervisor, but I guess she told the kids something that isn’t how our supervisor does things, and is upset about it? I don’t know, I’m not explaining it all right since I’m so upset by everything. I think she wants the kids to respect her more and I go against the things she says, but a lot of the things she says are wrong and even the kids sometimes know she’s wrong! She doesn’t even know the name of our set of rules, even though they’re the same at all the sites, we say them literally EVERY SINGLE DAY, and she’s been working for the company a little longer than I have! She worked with my brother back when he worked for my company, even! And she’s much older than me, at least in her mid 30’s! I just…

I don’t know. I’m so stressed about everything and I’m trying to keep it together, but I’m so stressed out and scared. I’m 25 now but I still feel like I’m a child. My internship is at a middle school and half the time I still feel like I’m one of them, struggling just to survive day to day. I literally had a kid come in today with a similar problem that I’m dealing with with my coworker, and I’m just like… what can I even do? I told my supervisor about everything, but now I’m terrified that she’s going to be upset with me over bothering her over text at 9:00 at night when she’s pregnant and sick, even though when she replied she didn’t say anything to indicate that she’s upset with me.

I don’t know what to do, but I can’t take time off to cope because there is so much I have to do. I need to get 300 hours minimum at my internship, and then I need to find another internship and get another 300 hours, and I have to finish my degree by June 2024, otherwise my degree is useless since my university “terminated” my program (DON’T even ask, that’s another problem that’s too complicated to explain), and while that seems like a long time, that’s only two more school semesters after this one. And I got lucky with this internship since one of my adjunct professors needed an intern and his school was close enough to where I live, so I’ve never had to do the whole “find your own internship” thing, which apparently my college makes us do, since my college sucks. I’m also needed at work, since my other coworker has been sick this week, and my supervisor is going on maternity leave in a couple months, and the kids need me. They miss me when I’m gone and ask where I’ve been and I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams and I don’t know what to do and it’s freaking me out. I’m trying so hard to keep it together for my family, and my coworkers/supervisors, and the kids, but I still feel like I’m fifteen and lying in bed with a migraine, so terrified that I’m going to fail that I developed an excuse to make my failure not my fault. I try so hard to be confident in my work, but then my coworker comes and undermines what I’m doing, saying different rules and getting upset when I say the correct ones.

My coworker sent me this text today (pictured below) and it triggered everything in me to go off all at once, and I don’t know what to do. I know that tomorrow I’ll get up and keep going like I always do, but for tonight I’m terrified I’m going to lose my dad, and that I’m going to fail my internship, and I’m going to get in trouble at work. I’m scared I’m not doing enough and that I’ll never be enough. That what I’m doing is not enough. That I should be doing more. When my dad’s appendix burst, I couldn’t drive him to the hospital since I’m too afraid to get my driver’s license. What if that led to his death? What if my fears lead to someone’s death?

(The red spot is where my supervisor's name was, by the by. And reflection time is like a time out. I also didn't interrupt her, and I separated them because they are supposed to be separated during that time, not sitting right next to each other on a bench. Which she would know, if she FREAKING PAID ATTENTION.)

Oh! And I completely forgot about this with everything going on today, but I hurt my shoulder on Monday getting my mom's wheelchair out of the car (she has quadriplegic cerebral palsy, so she's always been in a chair. My dad usually gets it in and out of the car, but with his surgery he's unable to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds for a couple weeks, so my brother and I have to pick up the slack. I even took the day off on Monday to help out, which is another stressor for me). My shoulder has been aching for the past two days, though luckily it isn't hurting now, which is why I forgot it with everything going on, but it's still yet another thing on top of the mountain. And this isn't even all of it. But if I keep talking, I'll be here forever, and I don't want that. I will say though that sometimes I wonder if I still have anxiety, since usually I have some pretty good coping skills for my anxiety that I independently developed over the years, and it's moments like this that remind me that, yep. Still do. .-.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to my rambling. I’ve not written something like this in years (which isn’t helping me feel any older, honestly), but it does help to get it out. Please, please be kind if you respond. I would be okay with advice, but just… be gentle if you can. So much has happened in five days and I’m struggling to handle it all. I am handling it all, but it’s a heavy load. So just… be gentle, please.

Thank you.

#Don't be too worried about me though #I can handle this and honestly just writing this has helped so much #But it's a lot and I wanted to let at least someone know how much I'm carrying #Even if it's just anonymous strangers on the internet #I'm trying so hard and I'm handling it with as much grace as I can #I swear though if things don't get better with my coworker I'm taking a leave of absence #Kids and income be damned #I hate it since I love these kids so much but I need to take care of myself and I don't need problems with my coworker #Especially since this isn't the first coworker I've had problems with #I've literally had problems with coworkers every year I've worked at my company #At what point do I acknowledge that it may be me that's the problem? Or is it not me? #I tend to have problems with people who don't follow rules since I'm very orderly and structured. So if they don't follow the rules I can't #function well #Ugh I don't know #But yeah if this doesn't get resolved I'm taking a gosh darn break from this nonsense #I'm doing well with the internship so I can just focus on that for a little while god

[aquanutart]

Nyaha~! Caught in my electroweb! ♡

#pokemon #iono #nanjamo #bellibolt #pokemon sv #aquanutart #iono gives me this vibe of 'i've sold my soul to chasing love and attention from thousands of strangers who will never know me' #but with an edge of self-awareness and i like that #i love hyper over-the-top performer personalities! i think she genuinely enjoys performing in her cutesy persona #and i definitely think it's a huge part of herself that she enjoys expressing but she has another side too #that worries about numbers and holding people's interest and getting the attention and validation she wants #she's an in-universe internet content creator! she's got a gig and she is WORKING it!! #i swear she makes me hear death by glamour #ALSO SHE HAS A FROG!!! i have no choice but to stan #btw you get a bilingual bonus if you can read this (and i get a weeb award for using romaji and katakana in the same picture) #how else though can i convey to english audiences that she uses boku (i love it) #her catchphrase 'your eyeballs are mine' does kinda creep me out though #i find it less creepy in japanese which is just 'your eyeballs (are acted on by) electric net' but that may be because i understand it less #i don't know japanese well enough to guess exactly what it's implying rofl

[arohuacheng]

imagining the story from pei ming's perspective is rlly funny i think. this god from all that time ago ascends again (you were there for the first two times) and immediately waltzes into a situation that fucks something up for your descendant (putting both of your reputations on the line, messing up how hard your descendant worked to become a god and how hard you worked to ensure that he would have that chance) and then refuses to let you smooth the situation out and on TOP of that your friend's little sister (who hates you and who you are trying to look out for by request of your friend) is on your case about it too. so you've gotta work all that out and then like. you chill for a little bit (still kind of upset about your descendant) until your friend undergoes a heavenly calamity. and then in the space of like A Day the god from earlier shows up again with a fucking ghost king, your friend dies, the little sister you're supposed to be looking out for disappears, and everything just kinda goes to shit. so you're like. grieving. trying to process everything. until your OTHER close friend goes off the fucking rails with the spirit of that guy she murdered, and then you get called out to the spooky ghost mountain where you're confronted with the girl whose death YOU were essentially responsible for and have never really come to terms with, and then like. you just kind of hang out with these gay people until everything resolves itself. fight some ghosts. fight the heavenly emperor. get your friend to stop being evil for a little while so she can fix the filing systems. and then you just have to keep being the god of love i guess

#characters who are so related and yet so unrelated to the story my beloveds #is he really necessary to the story. no! he's so essential to me though #nobody talks about the tragedy of the three tumors... i know it's cause they're awful but c'mon guys... #these three people who only have each other... pei ming losing both of them one after another in their own way... #i think he's probably pretty chill about ling wen being evil. i don't remember how he responds but i don't think he's that worried. #but still. that's two for two on the 'people i care about getting fucked up somehow' list #and then the kid that you're supposed to be emergency older brother to fucking DISAPPEARS. #so you can't even follow through on your promise to your dead friend... #shaking my computer. do you all understand how i feel #pei ming posting tonight. so many thoughts but so little expressed in the pei ming posting #too sleempy... will return to thoughts later #i am going to become the pei ming poster of all time. just watch me #talking #tgcf #pei ming #tian guan ci fu

[ddenji]

okay i think this is about to be an unpopular opinion but…. these two are like 2 sides of the same coin to me. beyond the shared public safety allegiance, they both violate denji's autonomy (yoshida stripping him to his underwear, tying him up, and threating his family in chapter 132 vs fumiko assaulting him in the movie theater in chapter 136) and work against his own best interest for the sake of the government. however, while they both take action in trying to force denji to do what they want, fumiko takes a more directly active role in the space of the fanatic who can't see/ doesnt care about the human behind her idol, whereas yoshida takes the more passive role of the government drone who wont act to protect the human if it means going against orders. in previous chapters, fumiko actively runs away from denji, leaving him to fight for himself, while yoshida passively tells denji that he isnt allowed to protect himself, putting him in harms way in his own right (and there is still the underlying threat of violence there if he tries to protect himself). even in the panels from this chapter, we see fumiko being active about her disregard for denji's well being by asking for little pieces of him, where yoshida is more passive in his disregard of the plan to dismember denji with a simple "yeah" answer. i know that they also have their differences, but i just think that they share intentional similarities (that other characters, particularly in the chainsaw man church, also share!!) that overall lead to denji getting hurt.

#chainsaw man #csm #chainsaw man manga spoilers #csm 156 #spence.speaks #guys pls don't come for me... #know that this is all fun & games and if yoshida is your scrimblo then please enjoy away!!! but #listen. the yaoi goggles are real and they're blinding some people #sorry…. just know that i've been there too.... #i don't really like either of them... but i hate to see a man get praised while a woman is getting hated on #it doesn't sit right with me #i've just lived through too much fandom misogyny to let fumiko get hate every chapter (even though it's deserved) #while yoshida gets “aww it must be really hard for him to hurt denji like this” (which is definitely not deserved at this point.) #don't worry guys in 20 chapters when yoshida finally shakes off public safety and helps denji i'll be willing to take this back #but until then... he is not denji's friend to me lol #anyways enough waxing about this #flop post incoming

[shuploc]

Have you ever drawn woman? Id love to see some in your style!

LMAO, I have, but yeah, not really as much as I've drawn guys. As I mentioned in the previous ask, I just really love striking, prominent features, and women tend to be a lot more polished and round and... idk, perfect, in a way. How I draw is very messy and sketchy, and when I draw women, those sketchy lines tends to just make them look old...

If I could live off of just drawing whatever my heart desires, I would have been drawing way more women too. But everything I post online is made in my free-time, so I just draw whatever I'm most obsessed with at the time. And that just tends to be men 😅

#I do love women though' don't get me wrong #like' I wanna marry them type beat #...not me coming out knee-deep in the tags of a random ask lmaoo that's crazy #anyways' I've drawn a handful of the ladies from arcane not too long ago and was planning on drawing them more #-but then atsv came out and here we are 🤷‍♀️ #thank you for asking though' I really hope the lack of women on my page doesn't give off weird vibes #I've been kinda worried about that 😬 I really do love em though ❤️

[sensitiveheartless]

hey i just saw a tiktok video with the horrors comic and i couldn't find any credit (also the comments were turned off ://) and i thought maybe you should know (here's the link to it: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGexd54Qx/ )

Ah, thank you anon! I'm not particularly surprised unfortunately, not the first time it's happened with that comic — sadly I don't think there's much I can do about it, especially since I don't have a tiktok myself. But thank you for letting me know! I do like to know whenever that happens, even if I can't do anything to get the videos taken down. At the very least, it's a reminder that I should really start putting some sort of signature on my comics 😅

...Also, in this particular case the video you linked actually made me laugh when I looked at it, because!! Quick storytime: the last time someone messaged me to let me know that a tiktoker had reposted the horrors comic, I went and looked at it and noticed that the reposter had put two of the comic pages in the wrong order. Somehow NO ONE in the comments had mentioned the fact that the order of events didn't flow right, it was hilarious.

Why is this relevant? Well, because this tiktok you've linked me to has the SAME EXACT MISTAKE, which indicates to me that this new person didn't even steal it from me directly, they stole it from the OTHER REPOSTER and also didn't notice the mistake in page order! The reposters are cannibalizing each other! I am both very entertained and utterly baffled by the lack of effort! They're not even stealing things well!

Anyway, all this to say: I have managed to find the humor in this kind of situation, but I still do not appreciate people reposting my stuff, especially without credit. And general PSA that if you see my comics/artwork anywhere that is not here on my tumblr, or on my AO3 account forest_raccoon, that is not posted by me, and it has been done without my permission.

#tldr; don't repost artist's work! it is not kind #...about this particular case though — #comparing the two tiktok pages really convinced me that that reposter 2 is just stealing from reposter 1 #they've even reposted some comics from artists that are missing full pages and thus do not make sense #similar complaint: reposter 1 also stole the 'wrecking ball; comic I did recently #and they DIDN'T USE WRECKING BALL BY MOTHER MOTHER AS THE BACKGROUND SONG #HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP #I mean I know people who repost stuff are probably more likely to be lazy (since they're already just stealing other people's work) #but this is on another level to a degree that I kinda just have to laugh #anyway! I'll figure out a way to incorporate a signature into my comics and other than that I'm not gonna worry about it too much lol #not that a signature will stop reposters of course — reposter 1 has several stolen videos that say 'DO NOT REPOST' right on the screen #but at least then anyone looking for the original artist can find it if they want to! #ask box #senhart rambles

[dollypopup]

i think what rubs me the saddest way about the 'pen ghosts colin and makes him grovel for her forgiveness' narrative playing out on screen is that it would just be heartbreaking from Colin's perspective in such a pointed way, but i don't know if it could conclude with any real satisfaction when he's a fleshed out character

i look at colin and i see a lost, lonely person who is trying so hard to fit in and be loved and understand himself, trying to learn and come into his own, never really clicking with much of anyone in a meaningful way, not completely. how so much of charm is people pleasing, wanting to be wanted. how he told Pen that he was starting to really believe that she 'would never forsake' him, how he praised and admired her loyalty, her friendship, how he started to really open up to her. how he told her she inspired him. how grateful he was that she tried to keep him from heartache. how she was one of the few people who didn't talk down to him about discussing his travels, who would listen to him like he listened to her.

and how she will forsake him in that narrative, for one comment, for one action in all the entirety of their friendship. how she will show him, truly solidify, that what he thinks of himself when he's feeling particularly low, that he's empty inside, not worth taking seriously, just a charming mask of a person, that he's not even worth keeping around if he isn't always being as perfect as he can be, is true.

i think this narrative could absolutely be done well! or it could be light if it's played for the bit without delving into colin's character and really only focusing on penelope's. but i want to delve into his character. i crave his perspective, want to know more that shaped him into being who he is. and exploring that, looking into it, the more it feels like that narrative couldn't be played for laughs. it could be gut wrenching, poignant. but it would take time, would have to unfurl. because when someone does that to you, when they decide you aren't worth the effort, the time (for a returned letter, for an explanation or any familiarity, stripped even of a nickname) it's so hard to heal it all. even more so when you were so close.

how he'd always worry about saying anything wrong to her from then. how he'd always have it in the back of his head: is this the one she leaves me for? again? because what if she decides he isn't worth it? she decided once, why not a second time? and, worse: what if she's right to? what if he really never had anything of substance worth holding onto in the first place?

any narrative can be a good narrative, a satisfying romance, if it's written well, if it explores and deepens a character, a connection, if it opens a new facet or shines light onto old ones so they reflect new colors. but i want to know Colin, in it. i don't want it just to serve half a ship's story. i want him to have a perspective, to have a background.

no matter what direction it all goes, what's gonna be done, it should be done in a way that serves the betterment of both their stories

#colin bridgerton #polin #penelope featherington #bridgerton #bridgerton season 3 #idk i have thoughs #and if you don't like those thoughts you can absolutely block me #because i know i talk about this a lot haha #(what is there to do at this point but speculate?) #and maybe it's me being way too deep in my writer on main perspective #but i so badly want to see him fleshed out #i so badly want to see his background and his ideas and what makes him make these choices and i worry that narrative will disregard it all #there's been such a lack of care in who colin is as a character #but i love him #i can't help it #i do #i love his charming artifice and i love his hero complex and i love his nerves #i love thinking about him being a middle child and not fitting in #i love thinking about how he and pen connect to each other what they have in common how they both carry pain inside of them #that makes them who they are #and how i need to see it #because this is the ONLY couple that gets several seasons to come together #so why not dig into them?

[moe-broey]

It is extremely difficult to design modern outfits for Alfonse though idk what it is. Sharena will look good in anything from flannel docs lesbian outfit to cute overalls to something sporty to high femme dresses (tbh I still wanna draw her in one of my fave old dresses ..) but Alfonse. There are def a few routes you can take keeping his character/personality in mind and I think they look good/are super cute and make sense but like... esp for me personally, thinking of the v specific way I draw/stylize him...

AH. MAYBE. MAYBE I FIGURED IT OUT BC I HAVE NO PROBLEM DESIGNING OUTFITS FOR HIM IN FEH CONTEXT...... it's cause that bitch is always wearing tights and long shirts that (esp depending on how you draw it) border on being dress-like to straight up robes/skirt-like garments WHICH makes sense for him in universe bc that's p standard wear for men in Askr, in the Order of Heroes specifically. Like

Seliph's resplendent stands out to me as a huge example of this, and you can kinda see it in Corrin's too! Though I do think resplendents often take a lot from the chara's base outfit (both standard and resplendent Seliph having tunics, both Corrins having leggings ect). But speaking of Corrin, espp the lengthening of that bit of fabric at Corrin's hip, looks a lot like Gustav's garments!

Who may be a better measure for men's dress in Askr (normal attire, for a king anyway, and a cultural festival outfit). But I do also think you can glean some details off of resplendent designs too!

Also actually.

This Day of the Life comic that acknowledged Sharena's absence from the DoD banner (BITE BITE KILL KILL SO MUCH HATRED IN THE WORLD‼️‼️‼️) implies that their outfits may have been identical, just in their respective signature colors (blue and pink). And even looking at Alfonse and Sharena's base art, they have a lot in common!

And looking at Seliph and Corrin again, the puffy sleeves seen on Sharena and Henriette aren't necessarily gendered traits. ACTUALLY.... GUSTAV HAS THEM TOO! Alfonse's outfit is an outlier sleeve design wise!

Which is to say, there aren't actually a lot of strict gender differences in attire here. A lot of the clothing looks/feels androgynous esp when viewed through a modern lense (like I'm sure there's a lot of real-world historical inspo that goes into the designs, I just know fuck all about that LMFAO 😅). And esppp the way I've come to draw Alfonse a lot, I do emphasize what reads as femme -- giving him longer shirts, simplifying the strappy armor on his thighs into. Over the knee socks. Over the leggings/tights. 🫣 And that's not even getting into the knee high boots and heels!!!!

WHICH IS. Actually SO FUCKING DIFFICULT. To translate into modern fashion esp typical standard men's fashion, in a way that still feels true to him as well... bc I do believe in femme/androgynous Alfonse supremacy 😤 But he is ALSO. SO IMPORTANTLY. He is VERY MUCH just some guy who is heavily defined by the role he's been put in. Which is also kind of difficult to sort out, what Would he wear, if the standards were completely different and also if he was choosing for himself?

SINCE. I'M CERTAIN idk if I wanna dig for it but -- I'm CERTAIN all his outfits have been picked For him to some degree. The Order of Heroes outfit is a uniform, the bunny outfit is implied/stated to be picked by Sharena. The yukatas in their duo are 1) Hoshidan and 2) I think Anna was the one who picked them? Might be wrong on that, but I do feel like there's a castle dialogue about it. And of course, the DoD outfits are implied to be cultural Askran wear, and going back to that comic -- it seems neither Alfonse OR Sharena have much of a say in what it looks like (her being uncomfortable "showing that much leg" -- that, if given a choice, she may have wanted something more modest).

So like. There is. So much going on here actually.

#fire emblem #sorry for being autistic about alfonse fire emblem. it will happen again. and again. and againm and again and #I WILL SAY ONE THING! it actually is SO much easier to design pokemon universe outfits for him than strictly any modern outfit #the men are allowed to be cuntier in pokemon world. i can put him in white tight pants and boots and a sweater #and no one would bat an eye. #i think i do gravitate towards sweaters for him... maybe turtlenecks.... still it is so difficult. #the funniest thing you can do w modern alfonse though is put him in a hoodie and make him slightly disheveled #and make it SO FUCKING CLEAR. that he is severely distraught and depressed that his boyfriend dumped him #and his boycrush isn't speaking to him. #literally just make him a dramatic depressed faggot <- (SAID W LOVE AS A TRANSFAG MYSELF.) #BUT ALSO. EVEN THOUGH that's said all cheeky like. i think for me it is also so important to put queer elements in him too #like he NEEDS to be giving queer man raised in a strict gender-norm heavy environment #who's like. comfortable in his queerness at this point but by god. did i have to go through all of that. dear lord. #anwyays i'm insane about him. don't worry about it 👍 #fe alfonse

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

it's so hard knowing when to take yourself seriously or not. like my brain screams at me so often and there are things that are so tempting... at the same time if i go back to the ward what's that gonna help anything, yk? or if i make a serious attempt on my life is that gonna land me involuntary, or what? will it mess up my uni stuff? like yes i anticipate self harm becoming way worse again in the next few weeks. i can see a future in which i'd kill myself in the next few weeks. but at the same time i'm okay in a way i haven't been for months and approaching years, and it doesn't make sense

#tw sh #tw suicide #personal #puddleglum hours #vent ig #tbh if i seriously attempt suicide im probably gonna claim it was an impulsive thing even though this specific method &c is one ive been #thinking about for months and like. yeah i have a plan but no current intent yk #my psych thinks im fine with fortnightly psych sessions #so yay me ig #anyway nobody get worried this is just a vent don't look too seriously

[sysig]

You’re gonna die if you keep that up (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Kayako #And Teisel's there technically #*Die again - he's sticking with his track record lol at least he's consistent #Ghost/Curse GF arc!! I enjoy seeing ZEX happy but I am Concerned for him lol #ZEX be attracted to something/one that won't brutally murder him challenge - difficulty impossible #His affection for the grotesque and monstrous - I mean while it's admirable he does regularly put himself in dangerous situations! #Runs solely on the Suspension Bridge Effect lol - attraction and fear so conflated in his mind <3 #I keep thinking of his human instincts as specifically Max's instincts since it's his body - Max's self-preservation and fear and hunger #Which ZEX dutifully ignores lol Max's body tells him to bolt and privately replies like ''Yes yes in a moment'' haha #His fascination wins out! To his own detriment haha #Although I say all that as though I don't relate in my own way - I have maybe just a few too many notes relating to ZEX lol #It's always been hard for me to get into horror in the way it's intended to spook and scare because I tend to get sad :') #So many monsters and ghosts and creatures are victims of circumstance! Like Kayako! As she is here she's not even malicious just dangerous #I've never seen the Grudge so it's only speculation but it seems very sad that she was tethered as a Curse rather than a malignant spirit #Like a battery moreso than an individual - what a terrible after-existence! It makes me sad to consider! #ZEX reaching out to her in his own way is very sweet <3 He's so biased towards his darlings hehe #In a way being human does suit him - we'll packbond with anything that Might have even the slightest inclination to not maim us lol #And the way he personifies her! (VUXonifies her?) Reading intention or emotion into her actions with no proof and no understanding! #The way he ''tries to read her face'' as if he hasn't been struggling with that this entire time - with other humans who can tell him so ♪ #His pride is so delicious <3 He is so easily blinded to his own shortcomings in the face of pleasure and the potential for connection! #It's no wonder DAX worries about him so much hehe ♥ #It also always makes me so happy to have something fit together so perfectly like those last two hehe <3 #That vine didn't exist when this happened! But there it is!! I love newer memes on older media hehehe ♪♫

[marclef]

trying to catch up on asks and stuff, but since these two are pretty similar i'll just get 'em both here at the same time

@lucia-the-mii @yo-kai123 thank you loves, you guys are too sweet 🥺❤❤

but i am doing a lot better now, now that i'm being crushed less and don't have tubes shoved inside my body it's getting a lot easier to get used to 😅

again though, TYSM to everyone whose sent kind words, you guys are all too sweet and i love you /plat ❤❤❤

#*boops you* #you guys are too nice to me though hehe! you don't gotta worry about me and my (no longer) big chest 😅 #but hey............ it is a big weight off my chest 👉👉 AYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[gemkun]

everyday i tell myself i'll attempt to write shorter responses and then i put my clown makeup on and open up a word doc

#* ✦ 𝐈. ❮ ooc ❯ ⸻ ❝ #okay like honestly 400 words isn't a lot but #it takes ages to get out and i get overwhelmed with rapid replies back #and then i feel bad that i don't have that same responding speed #im thankful for the crack and texts i get to do though those definitely help ease my mind #but like aaaah there's just so much to write about because i love to go into the depths of my blorbos minds #but then i also worry im straying too far from canon if you get me?

[writeouswriter]

Hmm brain just conjured up another fictional little guy; at this rate, I am eventually going to run out of room to accommodate all of these fictional little guys, they will have to find a motel or something

#writing #writeblr #writer things #his name is tommy because that is the first name that came to my head #dark curly hair tanned skin hooked nose and dimples and dark eyes #an easygoingness and just genuine passion about him that's contagious #he may be a mechanic and wears loose oversize clothing a too long red button up with the sleeves rolled up #he smokes more out of habit and boredom than wanting to do it he hates it #he's got that classic awkward nerdy but strangely appealing best friend in a movie or show kind of vibe to him #except instead of being in that standard best friend role he is currently trying to usurp the role of love interest in my mind in the vague #new wip i had been thinking about making #though maybe i should make a new wip as this other wip is already new and has different vibes but... #i have made three new wips in the span of the last few days i am not making another i am not i am not #shoe meet horn #he's also mentally ill and the narrative is going to be f*cking normal about it #alright maybe i'll make a new wip #god am i going to make a new wip #my other brand new characters staring at me as i barely even got them off the ground yet like really come on dude #but don't worry oh god I remembered a 4th wip from the past two weeks don't worry bennett i haven't forgotten you #and the several hundred others up there #hmmm thinking about tossing him into a scifi #yes he looks suspiciously similar to some of my other ocs but different maybe i'm pulling a t*m b*rton #and hiring the same actor for all my movies

[vvelegrin]

i'm really enjoying pathologic 2, actually. i mean, i didn't think i wouldn't enjoy it as much as i was worried it would just, i don't know, muddy the water. and maybe it will, but i'm not really bothered by that anymore. that said, i do think patho 2 took a fairly unsubtle game and increased its unsubtlety by about tenfold.

well. calling og pathologic 'unsubtle' doesn't feel quite right, but i'm not sure what word would feel right. maybe it's 'distinct in its sensibilities'. I think og patho felt more obtuse, whereas patho 2 is like. here. take it. do you get it. here is the information. do you see the themes. i am announcing them to you in such a way that you know that i am saying something thematic. i'm not far enough into the main story of 2 to be able to say that there's less reading between the lines, but it feels very much so far like there's less reading between the lines. whereas the original had a somewhat different... i don't know, affect? it felt like a hostile workplace where everyone recited shakespeare about even the mundane. in patho 2 nothing feels mundane in the first place, everything feels loaded in a way that og patho was but didn't feel, if that makes sense.

but i think that's okay. at the very least, it feels very much like leaning into the 'theater' aspect of it, which is enjoyable. pathologic 2 feels to me more like... bonus content? not to be Stuck Up For Pathologic HD but i enjoyed the feeling of grinding my face against a cinderblock, having to tease out information and conclusions. it felt like a game that you had to figure out, but you actually weren't really doing any ground-level figuring out of much; you're not a doctor, your character is, so the puzzle of Solving the Plague belongs to The Story, whereas the question of What the FUCK is This Town's Deal is your job. it's a very linear game in most respects, but all three playthroughs come through as a thematic package deal.

i so far get the impression that pathologic 2 can be played on its own and be enjoyed in its own right! however it exists to me as like. director's commentary. i'm really liking the playing with different character relationships and alternate things, the expanding of steppe language and the kin, love my worm guys, but i like it because of how it enriches my eternal mind rotation of og pathologic. sorry guys i played the original pathologic and it broke me and remade me in its image. sorry.

#sorry to be the quintessential 'guy who played pathologic and now doesn't stop thinking about pathologic' #i'm having a lot of fun trying all of the different things in marble nest though #i do worry in general that the inclusion of sprinting and fast travel will really fuck up my flow #the walking feels SO much slower now so while i was content to plod along in the original i feel like there's not a middle ground #so it feels a bit contrary to it all that i'm sprinting everywhere and just chugging bottles of water and calling it good #though at the very least it does seem like it will take some of the weight off of the 'route planning' aspect of the original #which was. honestly a load bearing part of... gestures vaguely #and i understand why people don't like it! i think that's a very reasonable thing to not like #having a game on a time limit that requires you to walk slowly across the map multiple times #i don't know what brainworms it activated in me but i quite enjoy it #on paper i should not like this game but here we are #that's not true. i play a lot of Bad To Play games for the story. #but 'guy who has no sense of time' playing 'time limit: the game' is... well i'm not arguing at the results #so that's my main Thing that i 'dislike' but even that word is too strong #i don't dislike it as much as i am keenly aware that i will have to play the game differently and i Don't Like Change lmao #that said these are preliminary impressions as i'm only about 4-5ish hours into the main game #pathologic

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[purplethespian]

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

#this post got a lot longer than i meant it to but it sort of turned into journaling halfway through #hopefully people still read it? #hopefully it was not too long to be worth reading? #it's just hard because like. i Already have dealt with a lot of problems in my life #and the whole reason i've been trying so hard to avoid getting covid and getting sick in general #among other reasons #is that i already have Ailments and i don't want more meds to worry about and things that have to be on my radar #and now with this diagnosis it's like yeah i have confirmation so at least the waiting to know is off my radar #but now i have more meds to worry about and more Scheduling that has to be done #plus i've already been pill shamed in the past by my older sister just for taking adhd meds #i don't want to get more shit from her for this #idk dude #just a lot on my plate and now there's more and it makes everything more complicated and harder #at least my boyfriend has been amazing though #he has been so supportive through everything and like he still wants to marry me and everything and it just feels really good #to have his support like that #i know people make jokes about someone talking about their partner and it's just their boyfriend matt #but my boyfriend matt really is my partner in everything and i love him #go matt #everyone applaud for matt #if you read this far into the tags i think you should get a cookie #and i hope you had/have a good day today #also though matt was like 'maybe you should get a cane for times when you have to stand up for a long time' and #idk if i'm ready for that #or if it's even necessary #idk #lots of things #too many things even #i'm tired of there being things #ALSO if anyone read this far and has any product recommendations that made their life easier please lmk