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starrylevi · 10 months

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“Are you okay?” Levi asks you.

“No.”

“I know, you don’t look it. What’s wrong?”

“Everything is wrong, Levi. I’m exhausted…I wonder what it’s like to have a brain that functions the way it’s supposed to.”

His eyebrows furrow slightly. “Your brain is fine.”

“But that’s the thing, it’s not!” You say exasperatingly. “It’s wired differently and so it makes everything more difficult. I switch between three modes: Not wanting to exist, Surviving, and Beyond Surviving. Guess how much time I spend in each mode?”

Levi doesn’t say anything in response. His expression shows more concern than confusion this time.

“Fine, I’ll tell you. Most of my time is spent surviving. Some of my time is spent not wanting to exist. And just a little of my time is spent beyond suriving…what kind of life is that?”

Levi’s eyes look at you with sadness. “Not much of one, to be honest…but it’s yours and you only have one.” He counters.

“Well, I don’t even know if I want it half of the time. Y’know, someone told me that life is basically climbing mountains. You climb a mountain, which represents a challenge or obstacle, once you get to the top you enjoy the view for a moment…then you climb back down and do the same thing all over again. Rinse and repeat.”

Levi seems to identify with what you’re saying and he knows you’re frustrated right now but he needs to keep you from spiraling. He’s not letting you give up. That’s not the way. “It’s what we have to do, Y/N.” He says gently.

“And what if I don’t want to do anything? What if I don’t want to climb fucking mountains? What if I don’t want to constantly be challenged and given obstacles? What if I just want to sit at the top of the mountain and just be?”

Levi knows these feelings all too well…he’s wrestled with them a few times throughout his life but he’s continued to push through because that’s what you just do. And you’re going to do the same even if he has to do the pushing for you. You snap Levi out of his thoughts with your next statement.

“It would be so much easier if I just…”

“Stop.”

“But-“

“Stop.” He repeats sternly, his steel eyes boring into yours.

You grunt angrily. “You’re not even real, Levi!” You yell out at him. You’re not angry with him. You’re angry at the world, angry for the universe and your parents for putting you in this predicament, angry for placing you into a world that doesn’t accommodate you. “You are a 2-dimensional character I use to cope. There’s no way for you to actually soothe or help me. You. Are. Fictional.”

Your words don’t seem to phase him. He shrugs. “I’m real enough.”

“What does that even mean?”

“I’m real enough to you. Y/N. You are the one who brings me to life. You are the one who decides how real I should be. What does it matter if I’m not a real person?”

“It’s silly.”

“Who says it’s silly?”

“I don’t know, a bunch of people.”

“Well, fuck all of those people then. Just fuck them.” He states as if it’s obvious.

You sigh. “It doesn’t work that way, Levi…”

“So make it work that way. No one else is keeping you alive but yourself.”

“And you…” You say softly.

Levi shakes his head. “I don’t do anything. Like I said before, you’re the one who does the all the heavy lifting. I exist because you want me to. I function the way I do because you want me to.”

“So I control you?”

Levi rolls his eyes at that. “Don’t be a brat. What I’m saying is I’m just an outlet for you.”

You pause, thinking of his words. He’s not wrong. He’s just a character but he’s also not just a character because of you. “I wish you were real.” You admit sadly.

“I wish I were real too…for you.” He sighs as he runs a hand through his raven hair. “But it doesn’t matter if I’m real or not. I still occupy your brain. I still make you happy, that’s all that matters. As long as you let me live in your mind, I’m always going to be here for you.

You nod, not saying anything further.

“Okay?” He asks.

“Okay.”

“Good.”

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paellegere · 2 months

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dean's sexuality is an overwhelming recurring theme throughout the show: his fetishes are prominent, he flaunts his sexuality and sexual behavior freely, he's a relentless flirt, and he has the most sexual encounters in the show. what i want to briefly consider here is how his sexuality and, more importantly, his fetishes may symbolize a freudian eroticization of a fantasized domestic life, particularly in his fetishization of femininity.

so hear me out: dean subconsciously eroticizes his mundane desires because he can't externalize them in a safe or realistic way. the desires are, namely, a longing for a domestic, "apple pie" life, which is a desire that has been explored in the show multiple times. dean routinely covets domesticity, through his desire to raise a child (ben and lisa subplot), the djinn fantasy (2.20), his "nesting" in the bunker (8.14), and his displacement of that desire onto sam (who is the primary subject of his erotic fixation in general and a subconscious extension of himself—if sam acquires a happy domestic life, dean can live vicariously through it).

he also routinely denies himself this domesticity because he's given up on getting out of the hunter life. he was raised in a survival environment and never was given a real opportunity to escape (even sam had to fight tooth and nail to get out, and we all know where that got him). the one time he had a chance to reject john and embrace normality he returned smiling because of sam (9.07). he's the one that vehemently secludes himself (and sam, like in 1.06) from society because connections are a liability. he leaves potential long-term relationships preemptively, always choosing hunting (and sam) over them before anything "real" can happen (1.13, 6.01, 6.21, also consider 8.19, perhaps more abstractly). he's so broken inside that he lacks any real desire at all (5.14). et cetera, et cetera. he denies himself his domestic desires to the point that he lacks desire at all—he's a broken shell of a man.

so the violent repression of the id causes the secret desire to leak out through erotic fantasy, a playground of fiction that is used by, well, most if not all people to explore desire in a safe and controlled medium (see: how many women have rape fantasies, for example—the sexual fantasy is a constructed world for safe exploration of certain desires, often abstracted through erotic symbols).

dean is so repressed as an individual, likely by external pressure to conform and control himself via john, that dean could subconsciously transform his secret desire for domesticity, into an erotic fantasy. he displaces those unacceptable desires from the unattainable mundane onto the safer erotic and they eventually distort into fetishes. the fetishes themselves are then abstractions of the things he covets but can't obtain.

and i want to focus specifically on his desire for domesticity and make an argument for feminization as a fetish (thank you rhonda hurley for your contributions to society) and how that relates back to that base desire.

there are several episodes in the show which suggest that dean fetishizes femininity itself, or rather feminization as it pertains to him (4.07, 5.04, also consider 10.05 in a more abstract sense). in 4.07, dean openly fantasizes about living in a "hot cheerleader's" body (youthfully feminine). in 5.04, dean recounts the time rhonda hurley forced him into her pink, satiny panties, saying that he liked it. 10.05 is a meta episode which additionally posits a plotline where dean becomes a woman through supernatural means, suggesting that fans are invited to draw a connection between dean and feminization. (these are the episodes i can pull off the top of my head; it's probably not comprehensive but i can't remember others atm)

so let's consider this feminization kink: we have dean fantasizing about femininity, womanhood, and especially girlhood, which he notoriously eroticizes (again in 4.07 and also in 4.13 and 10.13, to name specific references, but there are so many examples of this) in relation to himself, specifically. you can layer this in the way his deeper desires are of domesticity, and the home is traditionally (importantly) the domain of the woman. if dean would come to associate domesticity with femininity, then he would subconsciously connect his desire for domesticity with a desire for femininity. therefore, this feminization kink can represent an eroticization of his own (perceived) femininity. dean craves domesticity, but the domestic can only be achieved through womanhood, and therefore his desire for the domestic manifests through femininity, and thus feminization.

this "perceived femininity" of the domestic is important because of how dean conceptualizes the world largely through his consumption of media (see also: his "wild west fetish" via 6.18), which enforces gender roles and the relegating of the woman to the domestic sphere. this additionally aligns with dean's lived experiences: he had a domestic life while mary was alive, and when mary died the domesticity died with her. his only personal experiences with a settled home life are inexorably tied to the presence of femininity (his other excursion is when he lives with lisa, strengthening this association), and the absence of it and subsequent domination of john (the masculine) also took with it that domestic life.

and then you could even go so far as to make the argument that his eroticization of girlhood and his fetish for barely legal girls is a symbol of the domestic life he didn't get to live himself. it can represent a longing for youth in an environment that was inaccessible to him, a stability and domesticity walled off by womanhood. his youth was masculine, and his desire is for the feminine. it would stand to reason that when he yearns for an idealized youth, it would be through the lens of the symbolically feminine. and so this desire manifests through a fetishization of youth (girlhood) and his subsequent creep behavior. it all comes back to the life dean didn't get to live, eroticized and represented through a sexual fantasy born of rigidly enforced gender roles and the loss of femininity in his home life.

#supernatural #dean winchester #this is so long. i know no one is going to read it #but that's okay i'll survive #i've been thinking about this since before i saw a poll going around about 4.07 #and whether his 'hot cheerleader' thing was him being a creep or him being trans #and then i got to thinking about it again because i saw the poll. creep is much closer to my answer but this is my full response to it #i just think he is a mess of psychosexual fixations on everything he wants but can't have #and it manifests in the weirdest and creepiest behavior imaginable #so thanks for coming to my ted talk i guess #.txt #dean #the winchester gospel #spn posting

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doodlebug-aboo · 7 months

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“i have to be strong”

#ace attorney #maya fey #ace attorney trials and tribulations #aa3 spoilers #just in case #doodlebug #yeah i got some THOUGHTS ABOUT MAYA after 3-5 #i think she deserves a moment to breakdown about everything #so i had to draw her doing just that #i understand her ‘i have to be strong’ speech but my girl deserves a chance to cry and shake about it #she’s put through so much in the first trilogy (all i’ve played so far)#she deserves a chance to cry and then get a nice hug and a hot chocolate #but i digress #(dear lord please don’t mess with the quality too much i have to post this from my phone)

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lollytea · 7 months

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Huntlow situationship gives me such intense brain termites you don't get it

#no i dont think its because Hunter needs time to heal first #i think if it was up to Hunter they would plunge into a committed romantic relationship immediately after the events of the finale #he would propose to her in like. 3 months probably #i know that sounds intense but i think this is what ''i literally died and came back to life'' mania does to a guy #he is so carpe diem minded hes become a little insane. he wants everything #no more waiting around. no more hesitating. he cant afford to do that anymore #would it have been the wise decision to enter a romantic relationship immediately #who's to say. but Hunter would have done it without thinking about it #its Willow that makes the decision to slow down and wait a while before they make any committments theyre not ready for #i dont think she's entirely learned her lesson about letting herself be emotionally reliant every once in a while #shes made progress but the events of ftf were such heat of the moment responses #once things are semi-stable she still needs to adapt to acknowledging that her feelings for Hunter are like. serious. and scarily intense #so like. yea Willow is slamming her pedals on the breaks for both their sakes. shes thinking about how this would effect Hunter too #but also. she scawwed.#when Willow tells him she wants to talk and she's like ''i think we should just be friends'' oh the face he makes is DEVASTATED #he didnt expect it was going in this direction at all. but like. once Willow explains how this is the most reasonable decision for now #he DOES agree. he understands what shes saying and he agrees that it's the best decision to take a breather before they jump into a romance #anyway even when theyre not officially dating the flirting continues insistently. they are very obsessed with each other and cant stop #Willow keeps trying to insist to herself that its just messing around. nothing serious. they find each other hot. its fine to kiss a little #but Hunter makes it very hard when he looks at her with big brown labrador eyes. looks at her like shes the entire world #i think if it was up to Willow they would have been trapped in that uncertain limbo forever. shes too scared to take the plunge #even if she wants to. she badly wants to #but Hunter just wont let that happen. every so often he says ''im ready whenever you are''#he makes his intentions very known. he is not the shy boy from Camila's house anymore #Willow cant just playfully flirt with him without worrying that hes gonna reciprocate. he talks now. he expresses himself #shes a little afraid of that. but she adores it too. he makes her feel safe but also he wont let her stay in this comfort zone #hes giving her the push she needs to pursue this relationship. gives her to push to feel like she can go after what she wants #because god knows HE knows what he wants #they make me so insane

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noots-wears-blue-boots · 4 months

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I never thought in my life I would make and/or POST fortnite fan art in my sad artist life but here we are-

Montague has a chokehold on me (I wish)

(Y'all fortnite girlies should hopefully recognize the last man, but yes, it's Kado Thorne.)

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sweetpapercroissant · 4 months

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i don’t get the appeal of an incest ship if you’re only ever going to focus on the good romantic feelings and not the icky negative ones. the resentment the feeling of being trapped shackled wanting out and away from the person who knows so much too much about you since before you even knew to not allow it but at the same time you can’t imagine living in a world without them being away is like tearing a limb a piece of your soul you will never again be complete without them. no one else will ever understand you the way they do no one else will ever get so deep under your skin and you may hate it but you hate the thought of them not being there even more you can’t stand to see anyone else get to a part of them you didn’t and even worse when they get it before you. you push and you push and you push but when they let go it’s like you’re free falling and it doesn’t matter how far away you run you will never be far enough away because you carry them inside you everywhere you go. you tell yourself you want nothing more than to get away but they’re the only home you will ever have and you won’t ever let anyone get that close you’re already moulded to only fit in perfectly with them and you didn’t have a choice but this is who you are. there’s nothing you could do to make them let you go but there’s nothing you could do to make them let you go. you want to be so close to them you want to merge your bodies into one you hate how crowded you feel when they’re in the same room like they’re sucking in all the air and there isn’t any left for you and you want to get away so you can just breathe but you don’t even want to breathe in the air that hasn’t passed through their lungs first you hate that you feel this way you wish you could claw it out of your veins but then who would you be without it without them you want so much and it’s so ugly and you’re ashamed of how raw that need is how you want every part the good the bad the human you wish none of this had ever happened you feel dirty you never even had a chance to find something else be something else but then you look over and you love them so much so much and when it comes down to it nothing else was ever going to be enough for you anyway.

#and this is all still just one type of the different dynamics possible #and even then i haven’t covered everything #it’s all just one tight hot mess of feelings. and it’s so good #there is still much much more and i wanted to write it but it was just getting so long #this isn’t targeted at anyone person or fandom but i have recently noticed an increasing trend of (that is probably just my dash tho)#treating incest ships as primarily romantic and. that just takes away everything that makes them so engaging in the first place #to each their own i don’t believe in telling people how to enjoy their fiction but i just don’t understand it is all #you do you i’m not judging or huffy about it or anything. and obviously i’m not talking about #making fluffy feel good posts/art/stories etc about your ships #but treating these ships the same way and looking at them mainly through the lens of romantic relationships #will just leave you with a huge part of them missing #and you can’t really understand their dynamics and their interactions without that very important context (they were family first)#which is also the foundation of their relationship #.txt

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amaliatheartist · 21 days

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I made a photogram at university yesterday.

#and it looks good and I’m really happy with it!!#cameraless photography is really cool btw #this semester has been…tiring to say the least #the schedule is a hot mess #I just hope everything goes well #amalia's thoughts

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kennyomegasweave · 10 months

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Not people falling over themselves to defend Build because "he said that in private, he didn't mean for it to be public!" Okay and? If you're not a bigoted asshole, you won't have these problems. No, we don't all talk mad shit about our coworkers and friends because we're jealous. And the majority of people aren't dropping slurs over either of them either. If you are, well, that says a lot about you and it's all bad.

#build jakapan #the audacity of men knows no bounds #calling Bible poor when his gf was paying for literally everything in his life #out here asking if he could buy his friends stuff and his dad stuff and his stuff #embarrassing #Alexa play Backstabber by Kesha #he's not a good enough actor to overlook this #he's not hot enough to overlook like #just sad #giving hulk hogan's apology for saying the hard r n word repeatedly #his apology of just be careful what you say cause people can record it #a whole ass mess

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radioroxx · 1 month

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yargh. complicated characters save me complicated characters…

#im thinking about ceroba…#im thinking about how ive seen so many ppl (in ‘hot takes’) call her a bad mother for what she did to kanako #and im thinking about how its. silly to base the entire view of her as a character around one mistake #yes sure a very BIG mistake but still one mistake #i dont know if i would even say shes a bad mom. to do so would require me to make some kind of criteria to actually define #what MAKES a bad person #ive spoken before to a friend about how our concepts of good and bad as a whole r subjective anyway #but thats besides the point #i think ceroba as a interesting character becauseee of her mistakes because of her flaws #i think (er. KNOW) that she was a very caring mother. she loved kanako lots lots lots and did everything in her power to fix that mistake #but that doesnt take away that it still happened #im just rambling at this point. nonsense probably #but i think the reason i dislike the bad mom ceroba takes so much is that its reduction to her character in a way…#and that it cant and shouldnt rlly speak to her characterization before and after. yknow the incident #sorry thats a big mess….. i have thoughts i dont know how to speak them #i could say the same abt the other characters too… how ppl like to equate their whole view of a char #to only a few moments with that char #weve forgotten star tried briefly to take clovers soul </3 but oh well #ok im done jfkdkd this is disorganized

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eileensdress · 2 years

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I am Normal until Dodie puts out new music and then suddenly I’m thirteen again sitting on the floor of my childhood bedroom crying my eyes out because she’s put everything I feel in my little tiny body into words.

#genuinely had a good sob to no big deal (i love you)#just fucking crying dude #ive had the same reaction to everything she’s ever put out since the 7th grade.#dodie clark #dodie #hot mess ep #…..dodie liked this…..#thanks queen hope u liked the shitposting

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mingos · 2 months

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sighs as i find yet another dof-centric fic where the author makes their intention to woobify him very obvious by asserting he's "not as bad" by toning down his more unpleasant traits while also giving him a wider range of more vulnerable "human" emotions like sadness & fear & insecurity (y'know... the things he canonically thinks is a weakness & prides himself as having less of than the average)

and apparently having trebol's gang play a more active role in shaping him evil by encouraging him to kill his dad rather that being his own idea?

#‘ 001. ’ (out of character)#*shakes ao3* listen i know that you think he's hot & want to make him more “normal” because of it but please just let him be evil #the whole moral of his story is that yes his behavior was exacerbated by the abuse as a kid but he was just BORN EVIL #his own brother said so; straight up just doesn't understand how they're even related. calls him a beast & inhuman & everything #he *can* experience emotions obviously but his range is so fucking skewed. he is not normal!!! he is delusional!! mentally ill!! a mess!!#if you don't appreciate him at his “complex psychological disaster” you don't deserve him at his “funny flamingo man w hot wheels ass pants

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coconut530 · 3 months

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👁️Movie Night👁️

#6 #The Magnus Protocol #Okay Thursdays are like too hectic days for me so doodles will be posted on Fridays now hahahahha #I’m a teensy bit sad the eps have been getting shorter and shorter as the weeks go on but this one they still delivered #Very concerned (tm) for Sam like buddy everything’s okay here’s a blankie and hot chocolate mwah #Did you think Sam that the response department could Respond to you. Hm????#Maybe don’t mess around with paperwork #Nothing’s better than hearing “welcome to my twisted mind” and “hello all you sick freaks out there” in Jonny Sim’s voice #Very perfect #“I only gave them my name how’d they get my address” YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED TOM’S TERRORS #YOU JUST BYPASS EVERY RED FLAG #I WONDER IF THE GRAFFITI ON THE THEATRE WAS THE SAME GRAFFITI ON THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE #BC THESE BOTH SEEM LIKE “EYE” DESIRES #“It’s what’s on the inside that counts” DANGER POPCORN ALL POPCORN IS DANGER #…MOVIE NIGHT EVERYONE #Klaus sir if the computer code is German did you write it or are you in the computer beep once for first two times for second #Did Lena brutal pipe murder you #ALICE WHAT DO YOU KNOW DO YOU KNOW WE’RE LISTENING UHHHH NO WE’RE NOT #Also do you like how I made Tom the pupil of an eye shaped panel huh huh #I’m a genius #cool episode

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spiribia · 4 days

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color coded baby shower stuff has taken everything from me

#talks #im just an executive assistant man. everything that is cute is blue which would make it look #like i messed up. bears and elephants etc. then the congrats baby girl stuff is the most yassified hot pink lipstick #things you ever saw in your life. SILENCE OUR SONG OF OBLIVION

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ancient-day · 1 year

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obligatory goro akechi for the blorbo blingus

Can't help being a Gemini! [ x ]

#infer what you will he's a hot mess #but thanks so much for sending dude!!#akechi goro #goro akechi #my art #specterthief #jest answers #i will say though love being his most shitfucked priority is hilarious because it's true regardless of everything #'you wanted to be acknowledged? to be loved?' like that's it! he just went about it in the most shitfucked way possible #so here we are

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etre-grantaire · 1 year

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Okay so yes absolutely I need a Nick vs Willy showdown but consider:

Cassandra Swift finding out that her new boyfriend beheaded her son and clawing her way into hell to rip him to pieces

#you meet a guy and he seems nice and charming and really really hot and everything is great #then you find out that he stabbed a man at a mutual friend's dinner party but okay maybe it was self defence?#then he beheads your son #and it's just kill bill sirens from there #the biggest risk of messing with a mama's boy is having to deal with the mama #in s2 we are supporting women's violence #dndads s2 spoilers #dndads spoilers #dndads s2 #dndads #taylor swift dndads #cassandra swift #riptswift

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allthebestnamesweretaken · 23 days

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Heartbreak High S2 Thoughts

Before we knew Rowan was Bird Psycho (hilarious name by the way), I was all for AmeriexRowanxMalachi. The only correct ending to a love triangle (if he wasn’t BP of course)

Ca$h and Darren. I love these two so much. Their storyline was really good this season and I was so scared they weren’t going to make for a minute there. Them both thinking that they’re the “problem” and trying to change themselves to be together caused me physical pain. And his conversation with Nan (an icon)??? They’re just pulling at the heart strings at this point

Harper and Ant. This is actually a super cute pairing. I can see them being really good for each other (whether it turns romantic or nots I like them both ways). I was also really proud of Harper this season, she’s going through so much and she didn’t let people shit on her bc of it (looking at you Sasha)

Speaking of Sasha, why??? Just why???

Quinni is literally everything to me. I love that she spoke up for herself. Her and Darren always seem so in sync, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues. And I’m glad they realized that/are working on making it through them. Them + Amerie remind me of my own friend trio and it means so much to me

Amerie and Malachi. Jesus Christ these two are like a roller coaster. I think they’re cute and since they love each other I hope they work it out but damn. Can they just be happy for 5 seconds???? Him being there for her during her abortion was a 10/10.

Amerie. I love this girl so much. And she went through some shit this season. That abortion scene had me feeling so many things. I feel like we throw the word/action around sometimes like it doesn’t have any weight (on the social media at least), but it does and whether you want the child or not it can still be a tough experience. I’m glad she had Harper and Malachi to help her through it

Harper and Amerie. I really love their dynamic. Almost as much as I love the trio.

Missy and Spider. Its cute. His mom sucks and Voss getting his claws into Spider (and the other boys) also sucked

Ant. My one note for him is to stop following Spider💀 other than that never change sir🤣

I hope we see more Zoe in S3!!

Omg I almost forgot Malachi. I love his relationship with Missy. Seeing him struggle with being bi also had me feeling all the feels. I just wanted to scream “YOU LIKE TACOS AND HOT DOGS ITS OKAYYYYY” (running with the hot dog and no bun was wild sir🤣). But when he accepted it and immediately went public with Rowan??? I loved them so much (again pre bird psycho reveal). His back and forth about Switzerland lowkey annoyed me tbh bc making such a huge decision based off of a girl is crazy. But I had to keep reminding myself dealing with strong emotions in high school can sometimes feel like the end of the world so I give grace😂

My biggest qualm was probably them dropping some things that were unresolved in S1 *cough* Spider loving Amerie or Malachi being assaulted *cough* but hey, all in all it was a great season and if we don’t get a third Netflix will be getting my therapy bill

#heartbreak high reboot #heartbreak high netflix #heartbreak high #amerie wadia #quinni is everything #amerie is also everything though #she’s literally such a mess but also not and I love that for her #all of these characters feel real and authentic and not just the identities they check off and I love that so much #Netflix where is season 3 #name a better trio #you can’t #Ca$h and Harper are welcomed additions to #this is how you show lgbtq characters #except Sasha bc she sucks #petition for Sasha to become a better person in s3 #hot dogs or tacos #the correct answer is both

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