#I am lost and I do not know the way home

[marcurios-bench]

Sorry, I can't hang out tonight. I'm busy playing Hallway Simulator 9000.

#morrowind #tes #tes 3 #Vivec City #morrowind screenshots #These are not from the same building #Bethesda please #I am lost and I do not know the way home #It looks like a Star Wars game or something #my first morrowind playthrough #bench post

[worstloki]

Isekai where Darcy/Jane hit Thor with their van and Thor wakes up as a precious princess character of some fairytale world. Things progress as they tend to in isekai with some poor romantic interest villain character inadvertently ending up around him. Thor wants to get out of this world so bad and is subtly trying to drop hints for the villain guy to spill info on how to dimension hop. It soon becomes evident that Loki was also isekai’d and is stuck as the story’s villain.

#Thor: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM A NOBLE’S DAUGHTER THIS IS A DOWNGRADE I AM A MIGHTY WARRIOR—ooo I have a personal serving maid >.> #Thor goes for a walk in a forest or something gets lost trips on some thorns and is bleeding and lost bumps into the typical isekai villain #Thor hearing the guy’s name after some maids were earlier talking about how this guy keeps trying to ‘snatch her away’ or something #Thor like OH NO. NO. NU UH. and misreading every single attempt of the guy to help him #the guy is actually Loki and has no knowledge of this history #Thor keeps thinking this is the plot of some twisted dimension trying to give him a love interest #Thor eventually saying something that gives him away and Loki just stares at him like ‘......THOR??’ #thor sobbing like how come you get to keep your magic and be a guy and Loki is like I am the BAD GUY. everyone here HATES ME. #Thor: at least you have your dignity T-T #Loki: I tried going to the local market to ask around for info and random people threw rotten vegetables at me -_- #also this is Thor1core so Thor has to get less arrogant through this and Loki has to spill how he feels about the adopted lied to things #they have to make up before figuring out a way to go home #Thor like so you still have magic right so we can go home???? and Loki is like. no. this isn’t my magic. and I don’t know how this happened

[moregraceful]

accidentally invented a new form of no bedtime called 11pm glass of emergency-c + 4pm latte + 8pm cup of black tea + 9pm cup of black tea

#the real question is can i go to church on less than 5 hours of sleep and still function lol #i unlocked my instagram bc church wouldn't stop tagging me to direct people to me for stuff but that meant i had to delete a bunch of pho #tos AND rewrite a bunch of captions for photos i didn't WANT to delete bc i was too mean to random sharks prospects #which is fine if it is u know the anonymity of tumblr but not public instagram where my church won't stop FULL NAMING AND TAGGING ME #''anonymity of tumblr'' i doxx myself on here like 80 times a day in front of more people than i went to college with #anyway my point is i was going through deleting all evidence of politics pens fandom and legal documents and i was like damn #my attitude towards my team SUCKS. i gotta be way less of a hater!!! #what did my prospects ever do wrong besides everything NOTHING. the system is BROKEN. i am sorry i will be so much nicer guys :( #also if u really want to be humbled. scrolling back to 2012 on your instagram and re-experiencing senior year of college. BAD #i've deleted i think everything that would reasonably get our nonprofit status pulled but what a horrific journey it was #two full hockey intermission periods of deleting shit plus another hour at home doing several more passes and then rewriting captions #so that some poor 21 year old prospect randomly searching their name doesn't see me full ass call their teammate cringe #their teammate IS cringe. but i love him. but the nuances are lost on instagram people don't understand these things they take everything #at face value #don't know why i just assigned shakir mukhamadullin they/them pronouns #i think i need to go lie in bed with a blanket over my head until i suffocate #this ALWAYS happens i get too hype about mackenzie blackwood and start listening to selena gomez and then it's like almost 3am and i'm just #fresno oilers.txt #oh and. a friend sent me screenshots of the girl she's been flirting with on a dating app and they are SOOOOO cute #i hope they make a good run of it i really do bc it was SO cute. living vicariously through episcopalian lesbians as one does #but then i was trying to figure out how to edit my dating app profile to dissuade chasers but still honeytrap guys who are tall enough #or athletic enough to pick the tangerines at the top of the tangerine tree. bc i couldn't reach this week #but there were still like god maybe 150 tangerines on the tree. i was like this could be feeding people but i'm TOO SHORT #and my life will be like this. FOREVER #icb the future of this garden is so psychologically burdensome that i'm having to build it into a dating app profile lol #well now that i'd treated this entire tag set as twitter for and hour and a half #time to go try to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and then wake up in [checks notes] four hours

[bunnihearted]

🍽️😔🎻

#soo blah blah need to vent again abt my health issue situation 💀 #yuh so like im so sick nd tired of whats going on. nd not being able to just eat whatever i feel like whenever #it's emotionall draining tbh. im always thinking abt what i could maybe try nd im always like ohh gotta make sure the portion is small etc #it's annoying me sm bc i can def feel the effects of me not getting the right nd enough nutrients nd vitamins etc etc #i get dizzy nd my vision is hazy sometimes. nd im like forgetful bc the other the when i walked home i kept getting lost nd had to walk back #nd forth several times nd i was like ?!?!? what?! i've lived here for 25yrs nd now i just cannot for the life of me rmbr the way #also i am so weak in my body. like carrying even a small amound or books nd groceries nd walking for 30min makes me exhausted #my legs are actually shaking when i get back home nd every step feels like im walking in cement #plus i just wanna be able to go to the gym nd build muscle. but if i dont get enough protein in me i cant build muscles T-T #what else... yeah also i do miss food bc of comfort. like my coffee + chcolate everyday makes me genuinely happy lmao #but i just want the food situation to be normal bc even w veggies im like oh no that is too gas building that is too hard to digest etc etc #it's mentally gruelling to not know how tf to get all the important nutrients!! i def have several deficiences lmao :(( #im so over it. but theres nothing i can do. i wish i could just not think abt it 24/7 tho #also. im the thinnest i've ever been BUT. i am constantly bloated so i look fkn pregnant. so i cant even enjoy looking the skinnier

[flovverworks]

thought again how overwhelmingly lonely akira would become after everything while time does its healing. u go from having a twenty-something ppl around u at all times to being alone. no one to knock on ur door in the morning, no ppl going in & out, no chaos of sudden fights. even in the (more likely) case where akira forgets its like. this haunting feeling of having forgotten something u shouldnt have. guy who goes to every social gathering ever to have that chaotic energetic experience of having so many ppl around again

#stardust speaking ! #meeting some of the most important ppl to u and losing them in a yr is uhhh a lot #akiras had a lot of themes of not wanting to leave their world just yet/see through what theyre there for #as well as questions like 'what will /i/ be doing next time x happens?' in a very...hm. accepting way? casual? #actually idk if theres ever been any point where its been 'yeah probably a year and then we'll see what happens' #but considering akira went from 'i wanna go home;_;' to 'whats the way to make sure all of u are safe in the fight against the moon' #as well as what they knew about them appearing right after their last battle w the moon. theres. suspicions. i am sure of it #either way there Is that one 1.5 segment too....... #I LOST MY THREAD #but. lots of stressful topics too #since akira knows how many wizards THEY had to summon and the implication the old sage summoned at least one too #thinks about some of the drusilla event lines again.....forget being special i wish we had met under normal circumstances...... #i had more to say about this topic but it also feels like just repeating myself i just think its gonna SUCK for akira #thinking about some lines in kk's diary too...T_T very akira to me. ill go find them again l8r

[lwcina]

i feel like im having a lot of delayed realizations on account of being suicidal for the majority of my life and now not being suicidal like. idk thinking about what life is now that im actively choosing to be alive. i used to be like scared of everyone i love dying but its like. death and grief are a part of life... and grief is like hard but also to even have something to grieve is worth something.

#I HATE HOW GOOD THAT WANDAVISION QUOTE IS #GRIEF REALLY IS LOVE PERSISTING....................... #but anyways as i get better at distress tolerance and feelings #im coming to terms with the fact that grief is a part of life #wow growing up is so hard and i really truly didnt ever think i would do it #when i was at my great uncles funeral. at the cemetary #i couldnt stop thinking about gaza #im too angry and sad to say anything eloquent about it #except that i think i want to do some sort of memorial in nyc to have space to grieve #especially because the constant violence robs people of the ability to even properly mourn their dead #it feels like the least i can do to make a space for the palestinian community in nyc #i also think theres a lot of survivors guilt and i want to make a space where people can confront that as well #i think doomscrolling is in some ways a manifestation of survivors guilt #i think about palestinians i know who checked for their name in the death records #i really lost focus here huh #i forgot to pack my journal #i also need to get my ticket home lol oops lol i am quite stressed about it actuallt

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[trashbaget]

tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”

#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with #but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this #i can’t just. talk to the guy #if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that #i can barely even say hello to him #don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like #ah fuck there he is #okay you can do it just say hi #just say what’s up #and then he’s already gone #also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin #ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍 #but like. ​i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction #or like. an actual conversation. #which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or #i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what) #anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴 #i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at #least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.) #anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault #too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair #but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side #where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20 #mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡 #but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number #who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21 #his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦 #cheers to being fools universe

[whoatemyshoe]

"just google it" "do your own homework" "google is free" "find it yourself the information is out there"

but they are. they are asking people who have that information, for the information. they are doing their homework by reaching out and asking people questions. just because it's not typed on a search bar, doesn't mean it's any less of putting an effort to finding things out.

like i'm sorry people in the past refused/ridiculed you when you asked them for help. doesn't mean you have to be like them tho. why is learning through human interaction rejected in favour of isolated learning?

#my posts #rants #im part of the organising team for the women's march in my city #and someone interested to join the march was asking public transport directions to the march #the immediately response from the social media team in our group chat was to berate that person for being lazy/not doing their homework #like sure the transit map is available on the website #but anyone who takes public transport in my city KNOWS that the trains and maps are unreliable in so many ways #i was exploring a different line yesterday and got on the wrong train despite being on the correct platform #and i take public transport regularly and have a good sense of direction but the public transport here isnt designed to be user friendly #if they had to ask which line they should interchange at you KNOW they are clueless and probably terrified of the public transportation her #and yet as organisers they refuse to make it easier for people to participate at a march no one owes us to attend #they just gave them a link and asked them to figure it out themselves #i am very familiar with that route and i just KNOW the interchange is confusing and large enough that beginner commuters will get lost #and you know what could happen if someone struggles to navigate public transport? they probably would just go home instead #they blame the education system for producing youngsters who are spoon fed #girl the older generation said the exact same thing about your generation pls #your misdirected anger is being projected at the victim of this system instead of at the actual problem #which is what i've been observing from career activists around me and more #you claim to fight for the people #but the very people you're fighting for are asking you for help #yet you refuse to help them unless it's through significant policies or drastic systemic changes #your fight is conditional and only convenient for you but you refuse to admit it and then pretend the opposite #the moment they decided that they would 'teach them a lesson' indirectly by forcing them to figure out their own routes #they've already fallen into that activist trap of thinking they are above everyone else and that they are here to teach people how to #be a better person according to their standards because they know better by being more involved in activism and are better educated #instead of putting themselves in the girl's shoes and not assuming the worst of people as the default #maybe that girl is new in town and is unfamiliar with public transport here #maybe they had a bad experience getting lost before and wanted someone experienced to share some commuting tips to avoid getting lost #maybe she would rather pull her teeth out than try to figure out the route with unreliable mountains of information online #maybe she has executive dysfunction that makes filtering through tons of information to find that ONE route very daunting

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so. #literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

[morningmask27]

I do sometimes find it really annoying that most of the things I do right now are At Least tangentially related to a trauma I lived through.

I am living in a university dorm right now, it's a very typical thing to do, but most people return to their family home during the weekends and only really stay in the dorms because they have classes in the week and having to go from their home to the classes, especially the 9 am classes, can be heavy if they live somewhat further away. I stay in my dorm the entire week. For Reasons I don't want to go back to my old home for longer than half a day to drop my laundry and leave with clean clothes, some food and a chat with my mother. I wouldn't feel good doing so anymore, but mentioning that is weird because most people (except internationals because going to a full on other country just for the weekend, every weekend, would be a bit dumb) return to their home (My dorm feels more like home to me right now than my old house did btw).

When I say I stay in my dorm people are somewhat confused, as it on its own already implies that something must not be that good at the familial home for me to not go there for the weekends. By the simple fact I don't go back it's already implied there is something wrong, and it's true, there Is something wrong, but I can't just start explaining the whole thing, it's not really appropriate for most conversations, and I simply don't want to open up about this part of my traumas. So I just have to quickly and very blatantly brush off that fact and the unpleasant implications to continue the conversation without making it awkward and it's so annoying.

Most of my weird trauma responses at least have the added thing that if I don't verbalize them nobody will really notice. I am good at hiding them, I kinda had to, but this dorm situation is such a blatant sign of something Weird (and not the good kind) that I cannot hide since my actions on their own imply a situation already.

I am somewhat good at dealing with all of these issues, brushing off The Problems is a typical part of normal conversations, but it does get frustrating sometimes when I get severely affected by something traumatic, and it's The Only reason that my problem happened, but I cannot talk about it in casual conversations because of how heavy and intense it is. I have to vaguely mention The Horrors (They Are Complex) and move on before I make my conversation partner uncomfortable. It happened when I had to miss a class because of a severe relapse in my mental health, it happens every time I mention I stay in my dorm the weekends, it happens whenever I get too jittery and weird because of stress (I don't even always know Why I am stressed) and I just cannot explain anything about the cause because it's too heavy for most people to hear. (I do understand that fact, it makes sense you're not going to tell classmates casually about the horrific stuff you went through in your personal life, but it fucking gets annoying when it is fully related to a situation and I have to Shut The Fuck Up anyway.)

It's just frustrating to me that I have to deal with all these Weird Things because of trauma, and everyone sees them, but I cannot explain where they come from truthfully because of how much they are. It's in this weird middle state where people See I am weird hurt, but they don't Know why. I do things differently for reasons they can assume are unpleasant, but I cannot ever truly explain everything to them.

#morningcries #yeah late night frustrations as I just thing about all my friends and such going back to their homes and the occasional somewhat awkward #Lull in a conversation whenever I say I don't return to my kot (so Every time I say that) #Honestly having such a shit childhood really set me apart. But not in a good way #I am weird in many ways. All related to traumas I had and I can't relate to most people #I don't want to return to my home. I don't know what I feel about my sister but it sure as hell isn't a normal sibling relationship. #I have severe attachment issues and fucking cut myself when I was 14 #This mutilation fucked up my brain in the long term too as I now just crassly mention them Like That. They don't mean anything to me anymor #School left me a lonely hurt mess filled with anger and resentment. I had no friends left during my last year there. I had no friends when #I began university. My childhood was horrible and I now have to build something new from the shattered pieces I have left #Some people do help me but in a way my childhood is and always will be lost. I can't relate to what most people got to enjoy #Yes some small moments I do. I went on vacation and stuff and it was fun But somehow something always showed up to make the memory taste ba #When I talk about my past I always have to choose very specific small stories and shave off every negative detail and the grander (bad) #Context

[katnissgirlsmakedo]

it’s crazy how women speak to each other so little on this show that kate and sun having one scene together feels like an oasis in the desert. do not get me wrong lost is fine with women it just does NOT pass the bechdel test most episodes unfortunately. nothing to be done we already got once upon a time out of it i wouldn’t ask for more. anyway. kate and sun 🫶

#lostposting #gonna stop the episode now cuz um. well i finished my nails and it’s reading time i decided #might read a real book. might have some fanfiction time. who knows #those people on tiktok who say they read these longass fanfics in like three days are insane to me what do you mean you read it in 3 days #it's taken me 2 weeks to get almost halfway through this one and it's only 600k #what do you mean you read c****** r***** inn three days #you have to be lying. there's no way. or am i an idiot who can't read. #or do they simply have literally actually nothing else to do with their lives. #like. i have work in the morning. i have naps to take after that. #ok those people just have to be unemployed because there's o way you can be clocking in to a job and then going home and reading an #800k word fanfic in three days. like you're unemployed. #I'M unemployed in the mind but YOU are unemployed in the body fr.... #anyway. see you whenever i have to comment on whatever i end up reading <3 #peace and love on planet earth and lost island

[moregraceful]

Whenever I feel my age in hockey fandom, I remind myself firmly: no matter what, Marc-Édouard Vlasic will always be older than you. Pictures - 1) Kitty Cat Max on patrol; 2) Magnus Chrona (6'5) standing next to a U6 goalie at the anthem; 3) full moon at night.

#having a vaguely discomfiting week #uhhh i don't know. too much and not enough to do. mostly not enough #i've been applying to some deeply hilarious silicon valley jobs #one i was editing my cover letter for and thought man. i could do this with the irc for way less money with way more stress #(international rescue committee i mean) #and then i went for it anyway. i would be good at it! i've just seen the exact same job description for charities working with refugees #the bay area is so interesting. i'm always like i love it! it's home! but how much of that is only having left it for college #but then i think about starting a new life somewhere else alone and i'm like god that sounds exhausting #lost control of my schedule again btw. forgot i had about 800 things on the calendar #i actually forgot i had therapy for four weeks straight in the last two months it's been such a mess #which i think is what happens when i have no external schedule #again i do not dream of capitalism. but i do dream of someone else giving me tasks with a set number of hours attached #if an anarachist commune told me my job was to snap the ends of string beans off for four hours i'd be like hell yeah. 4 hour task #why snapping the ends off of string beans SUCH a social activity btw #that was like THE kitchen task my mother would trust me and my sister to do on major holidays and so i have such weird fond memories of #sitting at the table snapping the ends off of string beans and talking with my sister while our family buzzed around us #i mean a lot of my core child and teenage memories are my sister and i hanging out while our parents marriage fell apart around lmfao #where was i going with this. oh right. need a job mostly bc i am going stir crazy but also bc i started private ice skating lesson which are #expensive. definitely going to help!! but expensive #but idk i am haunted and beset by living with my parents in my 30s so more reasons (practice) to get out of rhe houae #*out of the house while mostly unemployed...the better #the story of this post can be boiled down to a couple of things i think: 1. no hoes. 2. no job. 3. if i keep making these posts i have to #take more pictures of things #(<- very live in the moment kind of guy who forgets things later bc they didn't take pictures) #fresno oilers.txt

[willowfey]

what do u do on days u wake up feeling empty and the only things that stir smth up in ur brain and body are memories of times/places that are long gone…. like what am i supposed to do with that….. i don’t feel like a person today i just wanna wake up in my childhood bedroom and smell the way it smelled in winter but i can’t do that so i just go through my day feeling vaguely nauseously unsettled and untethered…. and that doesn’t feel fair but i don’t know what can be done about it

#i know i sound like a broken record but i miss my trees. i miss feeling like i’m home. i miss feeling safe in my body. #i miss the owls and doves that fill the morning by my grandma’s old house and the smell of the co-op and the river #and the way the mountains look surrounding the valley. protecting me. #i miss the feeling of my hands on the window in winter and reading my favourite books for the first time i miss chris i miss my old bed #i miss myself. i feel like i’ve been lost for years #sometimes i wake up distracted and i fill my brain with anything i can find and i cheat the system and i feel things #for a little while. if i keep moving fast enough i forget that i’m lonely. i forget that i’m lost #but sometimes i stop and it catches up to me and i have to sit on the floor #sometimes i realise how far from home i am in every sense of the word and i feel like a child lost in a supermarket #except this time no one is coming to find me if i just stand still #i wake up and everything i can think of that would make me happy is a mirage #i wake up and the music isn’t enough and i want to start pedalling backwards and i feel like i’m floating very fast downstream #and there’s a waterfall looming somewhere in the distance and i can’t grab a log #im not gonna fall off. nothing is ever bad enough for anyone to worry about me drowning. but i am still very wet and very far from home #so what. do. i. do. ? #when i was a kid we lived in a house that had a very large oak tree out front (this was before the house with the willow tree) #at the base of the oak tree was a small fairy pond. we moved in during winter and it was frozen solid and u couldn’t see anything in it #but come spring it melted and we discovered the fairy pool was chock full of marbles of all colours and sizes. hundreds of them. #it was so thrilling to know they’d been waiting for me all winter to find them in the warmth. where are the marbles now #is anything waiting for me? is anything hiding in the frozen pond? #@the universe: i need a little help now pls. pls send me something small and colourful i wasn’t expecting. hundreds of them. or just one. #i am open to it all #because i can’t go back in time and smell my childhood bedroom in winter. and i will not go over the waterfall. so bring me marbles #~ signed yours truly. ps tell the trees i’m still the same

[420pogpills]

next week is pancake day/shrove tuesday and today i want to take a moment to educate everyone on the absolute insanity that takes place in lithuania on this day

in lithuania shrove tuesday is called 'užgavėnės' and it's a folk festival where everyone dresses up as devils, witches, goats, wolves and other animals, or even the grim reaper

we burn a giant effigy named 'morė' and some of them are the size of a normal bonfire and some of them are the size of a watchtower (and sometimes they are hilarious-looking)

there's folk music and dancing and lots of stalls selling snacks and souvenirs and this festival is very symbolic because it's to celebrate the defeat of winter and welcome in the spring

and any kid who grew up in lithuania will tell you it's an absolute ball

#lithuania #uzgavenes #shrove tuesday #pancake day #now disclaimer #i will not deny there are also quite a few problematic behaviours #that take place during this festival #namely in regards to the costumes people wear #i have seen a lot of very inappropriate and insensitive ones #unfortunately lithuania still has a very long way to go in terms of overcoming racism and bigotry #a lot of it sadly just comes from a place of pure ignorance rather than malice #but although i am a proud lithuanian #i definitely know we are far from perfect #i've lost count of how many arguments i've had with people back home #who try to defend their behaviour but i have none of it #but i do my best. #it's a very generational issue what i fully blame the former USSR for #but that's a history lesson for another day #not mcyt

[arthur-r]

tonight is my last night sleeping in my bed. possibly for the rest of my life. and my last time in my room possibly for the rest of my life. and i want to just get a good night’s sleep to be ready for a long day tomorrow but it’s really not working out like that.

#my family is still up in the air maybe selling this house within the next month #in which case i will never be in this room ever again. otherwise i will be back for the holidays so there’s still a month of this bedroom #if we sell the house in the spring instead (only rational option there’s no way we can empty it in time) #especially since i will not be in this house whatsoever until after that sell date. my mom all by herself can’t empty it all #anyway i’m struggling a bit. saying goodbye to my home of 14 years???? #i’ve been through a lot in this place and most of it is bad memories but like. every good memory i have is from here too…. #and everyone i know irl is staying local i’m the only one who’s leaving. one irl friend is going to the same school as me but we had a fight #within the past month and i don’t think we’re ever going to recover because she just kind of never treated me like a person #so i’m starting from scratch and it’s really.. like fuck i want to get out of here but i’m also not at all ready to actually leave #i’m just going to miss all the stupid little things so much. even my online memories are tied to this place #like the woods down the street where my deer friends live and the ditch i fell into back in the day and all the places i’ve gotten lost #and they’ll be right here waiting for me and i’m SO excited for college i am but why does it have to feel so sudden???? #i dont know how anyone does it.. and all my friends are going to colleges in their hometown so i don’t even have anyone to compare with #i found out today that if we keep the house through the winter my mom is planning on using my room as a guest room and office. and of course #that makes sense and everything but now i have the most crushing guilt for not cleaning it up well enough. i thought it would be okay and #i’d just have to deal with it when i come back and i didn’t know she wanted to use it and she’s going to box up all of my things without me #and i feel guilty that i didn’t do that and i feel scared and upset because it’s my things and my room i don’t want it to change #i’m just really anxious and sad and scared and i don’t know what to do. school is going to be good but none of this feels real or normal #and i just feel sick and scared and i don’t know what to do. waking up at 8am and leaving at 9am and moving in at 2pm and that will be it #my mom and sister are staying for a couple days and that will be good i hope. i dont know i feel so conflicted about everything #and i’m tired and sick and angry and overwhelmed and i just want to take a week off and come back alive again #and i guess that’s what i’m about to do.. after i move in there’s eight days before college starts and all i’ll be doing is moving in #(and welcome week activities. and a lot of sleeping. but hopefully i’m gonna get a rollator through a loan program and that will help a lot) #anyway here’s what’s going on. i’m going to maybe try to sleep i guess. but if anyone has advice or encouragement about moving to college.. #now is the time i really need it. it’s just so strange and conflicted and everyone i know has been telling me i just need to get out of here #and myself included i really want to get out of here. but how can i start anew when everyone i’ve loved is shattered. and what have you #think i have to listen to that song for long enough to remember how badly i want to leave…. #i’m just really not feeling well. i’m angry that i never got to have the childhood i deserved #because now i’m leaving and that means it’s officially over…. i’m just really not feeling well. i think i’m running out of tags…. #i hope you all are well. i’ll be around in the morning maybe.. i’m not sure. hope everyone has a good night