#I don't think it really matters since it's not possible and it's not the underlying issue between them anyway

[llycaons]

Yes he loves Wei Wuxian still and if asked, he would give back his core in a heartbeat

hm. would he though?

#I don't think it really matters since it's not possible and it's not the underlying issue between them anyway #but I don't think jc would want to give it back #or rather. I think that he wouldn't even conceive of it as a possibility #he's not mad that it happened he's just mad that he wasn't told #but I don't think he would have refused it. maybe. there's no way to know #and as much as he cares about wwx he considers wwx to be in the jiang's debt too. at least postcanon. he tells him to his face #so I feel like he'd agree that the core was a fair trade in principle #ugh it's all so messy. I do not believe that jc would want to give the core back tho #ficblogging

[sturn-wrld]

🪼dress up to get undressed

pairing: matt x reader

summary: where reader goes on a shopping spree and matt sees an opportunity to complete part of her list.

genre: SMUT. if you don't like it, don't read it

warnings: p in v, nicknames, short mention of body insecurity

a/n: this will be the only promised smut part of this series unless i suddenly feel like making another part smut.

masterlist

---------------------------------------------------------

it's been a month since matt read through my list of all the little things i want to do and i'm starting to think he has forgotten about it. i mean it's not that it matters that much because all of those things happen anyway but it's just kind of disappointing that he won't be cheesy about doing them.

as i reach his house after my 3 hour long shopping spree with one of my best friends, matt walks out of the door to come help me with my bags. "you went crazy didn't you?" he says leaning into my open car window peaking into my back seat where the bags lie.

"of course. i wanted to treat myself today so that's what i did." i say looking back up at matt as i take off my seatbelt and he opens my car door.

"okay let's inspect the damage why don't we" he says opening the back door, earning a giggle from me. as he opens the door his eyes go wide as he sees the absolutely massive stack of bags. "you definitely know how to spend money" he says grabbing the first lot of bags from my back seat.

"obviously. what else was i put on this earth to do" i say sarcastically as i grab the remaining bags and shut my car, locking it with my free hand while simultaneously looking back at matt, holding open the front with his foot.

"be an amazing girlfriend" he says catching a kiss to my head as i walk through the door passed him.

we make our way to his bedroom where we place all of the bags on the floor next to his bed as he spots one he in particularly likes the look of. he turns to me, now sitting in his desk chair, holding the pink stripped bag. "victoria's secret?" he asks almost rhetorically, while shooting me the most seductive glare.

"yeah. like i said treating myself" i say shrugging turning my attention back to my phone. "wanna show me?" he says still staring into me. i was pounding in the inside.

we hadn't done anything sexual yet but i knew i was happy to anytime and the look he was giving me just made me drip.

"sure" i say trying to stay as nonchalant as possible. i pull out the black set and hand it to matt watching his eyes light up and the grow seductively darker. "i mean on baby. go try it on for me" he says gripping my jaw with one had and placing the clothing back into the bag with the other. i comply and make my way into his bathroom.

as i finish putting in the complementary bottoms to my lacey top, i question whether i should of bought this. i was never really the type to bash my body but i always had my underlying insecurities. suddenly there is a k pack on the door. "you done yet, beautiful?" i look at myself one more time in the mirror before replying, "yeah, you can come in" i turn to face the door as it opens to see my boyfriends face look absolutely astonished. "you are so gorgeous baby" he says before placing his hands on my waist still looking me up and down.

he then starts to play with the strap of the almost see through top with his right hand while running his fingers under the strap on the matching material hanging to my hips. "how about we finish another thing on your list" he says while reaching his mouth to my neck.

"what were you thinking?" i say completely knowing what he is hinting to. "i'm going to undress you and your going to sit there like the pretty girl you are while i fuck you as hard as i can. okay?" i just stare straight back at him absolute shock on my face as i have never heard matt talk like that but loving nonetheless. i hum in response as he hungrily brings his mouth to mine pushing me against the counter behind me. he starts bringing his head down to my neck, sucking mindlessly leaving marks everywhere.

as he brings his head down to my breasts he reaches his arms around my body to reach for the clips on the back of the bra. right before he unclips it he looks to me, "can i take this off beautiful?" all i do is him in reply. "baby i need words" is all he says before i absolutely lose my brain. "please baby, i need you to" with that he pulls off my bra and brings his mouth back to mine, quickly kissing me before making his way back down to my breasts. "good girl" he says, driving me mad.

after sucking dark spots onto every inch of my upper body he brings his mouth back to mine kissing me more aggressively than ever. "jump" he says moving his hands to my ass to hold me and lift me to the counter. once i'm on the counter he continues to squeeze and caress my ass as i arch and my chest back to his face. "you are so hot baby" he says huffing and puffing, having just released from a long aggressive kiss.

he slowly starts travelling his hand down my body before stopping right above my pounding clit. i start to grab at his shoulders and arms needing contact. "please" i whimper out needing something more "please what?" he says staring down at me. "please touch me or fuck me baby, just do something" he strips down his own pants before moving my underwear to the side. "your wish is my command" he says before slamming himself into and toying with my clit between his fingers. i grip his shoulders, my knuckles going white from gripping so tight. he grabs my hips moving me back and forth against his fully hard cock even faster, hitting my g-spot every time. "oh fuck" i scream at the top of my lungs. he lowly groans as he brings his body closer to mine. "your so tight for me" he says sending my haywire, clenching around him, almost reaching my high faster than ever. "you need to cum yet gorgeous? i can feel you clenching" i through my head back as he moves faster in and out of me. "yes" i scream it being broken up from the jaw droppingly fast pace im being fucked at. "cum for me beautiful" with that the knot in my stomach comes undone and i finish all over his dick. he brings me down from my high before pulling out and finishing all over my stomach and tits.

"that is going to definitely be my favourite thing in the list to do"

taglist

@ermdontmindthisaccount @its-jennarose @ilovemattsturn @frozenvegitableoil @meme2003

#strniolosworld #sturniolo triplets #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo #chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo smut

[reds-writings]

Hello there lovely!

I saw requests were open so, I'd like to request this fluff prompt with Rust (2012) ;

4) brushing a strand of hair behind their ear

(scenario where we are the ones brushing a strand hair behind his ear)

I thought that I would be interesting and cute since he has long hair and all

Anyways, thank you for your time and if you don't wanna write this is completely fine :)

Bye and take care!

omg! first request ever! this had me so excited! i hope this is to your liking, anon! <3 (sidenote: set in the jj universe after Marty and Rust take down Childress)

Rust sat in your clawfoot bathtub almost deathly still as you gently ran some water over his hair. It had been a few days since his release, more like dash, from the hospital and his insistence on being able to manage his own proved to be a lie when he almost busted his damn stitches open from buckling over after trying to stand on his own for too long. After wrangling him back up you had declared you wouldn’t have no stinking man in your house any longer so a wash-up was in order whether he wanted your help or not. 

This was the last place he thought he’d be accepted into after all this time. Apparently, Marty and you had come to an agreement that this would be the best spot for him to regain his footing while healing up. It was the most familiar, albeit painfully so. 

He felt all seventeen years of pent-up shame and guilt catching up to him at once as you doted on him in silence. The softness of your touch and the warm scent of the perfume you still stayed loyal to after all this time brought him such an overwhelming sense of comfort that he didn’t know what to do with it. It had been so long...being this close.

 He didn’t deserve you. Not then and surely not now. 

He’d never felt so pitiful…so unworthy. You either didn’t notice his swirling internal storm of self-deprecation or you just didn’t care to acknowledge it. You never were one for pity. That’s how he knew he was here because you wanted him to be. Not because of any underlying favors you felt like you might’ve owed him just because you had once been together. 

When you had been notified of the fallout that took place after Errol Childress you hadn't thought your world could be rocked so violently at this point in your life. But it always seemed like, no matter the circumstances, Rust’s existence would have a formidable hold over you one way or another. Sitting there, weeks on end while waiting for him to just wake up had been nothing short of excruciating. He looked dead enough with the way Childress had clearly had taken no mercy. Weathered face sunken in, marred by the near-midnight shade of bruising that had him almost unrecognizable. That nasty stab wound…it was like the sick bastard had been trying to gut Rust clean. 

Thinking about it now had you fighting off the acrid taste of bile rising in your throat from sheer nerves. 

After finishing up and toweling off his frail form you guided him to the guest bed that had been made up for him days prior. Taking a brush to his long, damp hair after getting him dressed you worked your way through its knots as lightly as you could. Hands trembling with such reverent care that you hoped he didn’t clock. This current look of his was something you were still in the process of fully absorbing but you didn’t really find yourself opposing it. He was still as handsome as you remembered, just more tired and more…1993 Tombstone than you were used to. 

There weren't many a situation in this lifetime where you wouldn’t take Rust Cohle just as he was. 

Once you were done you laid him back in bed and brought the covers up to his chest, trying to make him as comfortable as possible in his current state. You remained on the edge of the mattress at his side for an extended bout of time, just taking him in. You’d almost lost him for good and you’d been trying to ignore how it would’ve made you feel had his existence wiped from the earth once and for all. 

It would've completely gutted you no doubt. A fact that could never be denied. Not with the way you’d never stopped truly loving him no matter how much time slipped by. Past transgressions or not.

A deft finger found its way to a greying strand of hair that found itself in his line of sight, softly brushing it back to take purchase behind his ear. The tenderness of the action had his throat growing impossibly tight, the battle of fighting off the burning sheen of his eyes was lost as his bottom lip started to tremble. There was so much to be said that resided within his broken gaze but you just tutted and went to curl up beside him, taking his head to your chest to let him take comfort in hearing the steady thumping of your heartbeat. 

“I-..I’m…s-sorry…” It came out so heartbreakingly choked. For leaving then. For how things turned out now. He wasn’t sure. You’d never witnessed him so fragile. 

“It’s long over with now…hell, I figure you’ve gone through enough lately to consider us even.” You huffed a dry laugh through your nose at the morbidly placed humor as your eyes took on their own stinging wetness. He didn’t have the strength to find it funny, choosing to clutch at you tighter as you graced him into your orbit. Feeling the soft stamp of your lips at his brow and another at his temple was enough to have him cave in completely. All you could do was hold him tight and make him feel a little less alone, 

“If no one else has said it, I’m grateful you were able to stick around.”

#rust cohle #reds-writings #true detective #true detective season 1 #rust cohle x reader #rust cohle imagine #true detective imagine #blurb #request #matthew mcconaughey

[mbti-notes]

Hey, hope you are doing well ! I had a question concerning one issue i’m dealing with.

I’m a 19yo ENFJ. In the ENFJ ego development article, i recognize myself when it’s say « you imagining being criticized ». I’ve noticed that when i’m sharing an opinion, when i’m expressing my feelings, or when i let someone know that i didn’t like something they did to me, i imagine them saying like the worst things to me and i get angry, defensive, as if they really did. Lately it has gotten a little better because when it starts, i’m able to tell myself that it is all in my mind, that i can’t tell that they will react like this, that it won’t help to assume the worse, that those people would never do me like that. But it’s still is really stressful and overwhelming. Any tips to manage it and understand it better ?

You seem to be referring to underlying self-esteem and self-worth issues that are common for FJs, so I suggest you read past posts. As explained in the Type Dev guide, the key to personality development lies in the auxiliary function. It provides introverted balance to extraverts (as well as extraverted balance to introverts).

To be an "immature" ENFJ basically means Fe+Se often run away into extremes because there is no introverted counterbalancing force. Such ENFJs only know to define people's identity or measure their worth through external appearances. As long as you can maintain the appearance of being a good person through obtaining momentary praise from others, then you're really a good person? As long as you can maintain the appearance of harmony by submitting to others and denying the disharmony you feel within, then your relationships are really strong? Proper auxiliary Ni development should help counter this superficial way of thinking.

Do you live your life as though you're always performing? Is the way you behave in front of others the entirety of who you are? Is there nothing inside you that exists independently from how others perceive you? If you're constantly allowing others to define and measure you, you will suffer from insecurity, since your feelings about yourself will shift with every little change in the social winds.

Developing introverted functions involves forming a stronger sense of self with a solid personal boundary, and possessing inner substance that others don't always see and can't touch. As such, your opinion about yourself should matter just as much, if not more than outside opinions. An important aspect of ego development is learning how to be an independent individual, to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself as necessary. Of course, you can learn to advocate for yourself in a way that produces as little harm to others as possible, e.g., by improving your communication skills or conflict resolution skills.

The purpose of Ni+Ti development is to connect with the whole truth. It sounds like the root of your problem is that you don't operate on truth but merely on insecurity. The consequence of caring more about surface appearances than underlying truth is that you won't know the truth of who you are, and your naivete makes you gullible and susceptible to any and every attempt by others to influence you (for good or bad). But when you value the truth above all else and know how to connect to the whole truth of who you are, the words of others will only matter to you to the extent that they are truthful.

#enfj #auxiliary ni #se loop #criticism #self esteem #self worth #independence #ask

[shakertwelve]

Hey hii hello hiiii what do u think was Marquis trigger backstory? Since ur the professional on him and we don’t know shit about him(besides his apparent vampirism lmfao)

Interested in your marquis backstory thoughts because his power implies a lot but I can’t quite put it together - there’s SOMETHING that he feels the bones breaking each time and doesn’t show it but idk what. Forced to play into a role even as it causes agony? Macabre leaning? What’s goin on there

SO the first big thing about marquis's background is that i really don't think he grew up with any wealth or comfort at all—his cape persona is a performance that he's putting on to get as far as possible from his much more humble origins, imo. heathcliff stuff. obvious tension of identity there that fits with a changer power and also makes sense with his pain tolerance, which suggests he's had a lot of experience bearing through pain without any help, and the way he talks; he often sounds like he's picking his words deliberately and even trying to give off an air of sophistication, but he never actually uses any words that are especially fancy or obscure. ward messes with this a bit by making him act like an actual cartoon vampire sometimes, but i think i'm still pretty close to the mark.

at one point he mentions that his father was a doctor, but i don't think the man he's referring to there is his biological father—his wish for the brigade not to put amelia into the foster system makes me think he himself spent some time in the system and didn't enjoy it (pretty plausible, especially considering this would've been in the 70s and 80s) before he eventually ended up with the man he thinks of as his father, which is why he's hopeful that amelia will be alright if she's with a good family from the start.

if anything i think he probably grew up more like rachel than anyone else in the cast, but while rachel dealt with being treated badly by human society by forming connections with her dogs instead, marquis never totally gave up on the idea that he could prove himself to be worthy. his dedication to being a "noble" villain, to me, seems like it comes from an almost childish sense of fairness; he has to believe that if he makes himself respectable, people will recognize it and respect him, if he holds himself to a higher standard he won't just be treated as another criminal, if he chooses his words carefully enough he won't be misinterpreted, and if he trusts his daughter to the dallons they'll rise to the occasion and take care of her. it's something he notes makes it difficult for him to understand amy once they're reunited, because she lacks that same internal drive; she's already seen that no matter what she did, she was never really treated like she belonged in the dallon family, so she can't make herself care enough to try anymore. my guess is that it's different for marquis because he had a father figure he actually looked up to, who (in marquis's memories) was a self-made man who was respected on his own terms, and if his father did it right, he can, too.

in a literal sense, his power is the ability to contort himself into any shape that could possibly be wanted from him, but he has to keep breaking himself over and over again to do it—and he does! his shard doesn't even need to throw in anything to protect him from the pain, because he's already willing to do anything just to become someone who can be accepted like he wants. trying to describe the exact moment of his trigger would take more speculation (i could sketch out a timeline but i'd really just be making up the details), but i think those are the underlying issues that are already cooking in his head when it happens.

#ask #flattered to be called the professional on him! i just think he's neat

[sexydreamgirl]

Hi Hera,

You're one of my favourite blogs on here. Any reassurance I want, I always come to you. I love the way you answer questions and it's always a sophisticated answer. I know you've probably got a lot of asks similar to this but I just want some redirection from you because at this point I'm doubting the law and will probably give up on it soon.

So I have discovered the law of assumption around in August 2021 and my mains goals from that day was to achieve my ideal body, face, job and house. I will admit I was on and off but since May 2022 I started to take it seriously and really persist. But I have been struggling a lot, Neville says your assumptions manifests and even says it should take less than 3 days for you to receive your desire. So I probably have some underlying assumptions, but I do revise at the end of the day that I didn't waver, doubt or spiral. Even if I did have underlying assumptions, my dominant thoughts were my desires so that should manifest. So im just extremely confused. Here's an example of how I approach my desire:

So since June I've been persisting that I will get a job and I do get to the interview stage but then I rejected. Whilst I know it's definitely because of my interview technique because I do get nervous I don't let it affect my thoughts. I persist that my interview went well and i got the job and then the next day I get a phone call saying that the position was filled. I've been rejected 3 times after the interview stage and they were my ideal part time job. I'm currently revising this rejection right now but I might just give up on it.

Hello, my love.

You are not the only person that has reached out to me with a similar experience. This is generally the part where I tell people to restart their manifestation journey so they can have a clean slate to work with. I will never know what exactly goes down in somebody's mind for me to be able to determine exactly what "happened". I don't know if you're not being consistent with your mental diet, if you run back to the old story after 4 minutes of affirming or what your assumptions look like. I can simply work with what I'm told. However, I'll give you my two cents on the predicament you're faced with.

Before I start I'd like to remind you of the fact that failure technically isn't possible with the law of assumption because it will manifest. Regardless of how long it takes, you will have it. You simply can't not have it. The only way you could "fail" at the law of assumption is if you stop remaining loyal to your desires (persisting). Some people have manifested overnight, some within a month, some even longer [It literally took like two years for Neville's brother to manifest a company] but that doesn't matter and you shouldn't use someone else's experience as a way to measure or validate your own. I only bring this up because I strongly dislike this concept that if you haven't manifested within a certain range of time you're doing something wrong. You're not!

Remember, consciousness is the only reality, meaning that what you are accepting as a fact presently is what you experience in the 3D. Stop and think: What am I accepting as a fact right now? Am I "waiting" for my desires? Am I “trying” to manifest? (<- This one specifically is what it sounds like to me.) Back to what I was saying about the time it takes different people to manifest their desires, this will ultimately depend on how long it takes you to appropriate a new state of consciousness. Once you’ve established a clear idea of what your current state of consciousness looks like, drop it completely. Now ask yourself, what do you want your new state of consciousness to look like? Methods are always optional but not necessary as I'm sure you know. All you need is mental diligence. Change your assumptions and persist in them until they harden into fact. Live in the end, live in the 4D, accept the fact that you are not separate from your desires. They are in your possession already. Don't forget your conception of self, she's the foundation of your new story.

Change the way you perceive manifestation and the world around you. Don't forget that you are always in charge of circumstances and the pen is in YOUR hand. There is no better outcome, just what you choose to experience and not experience. Reject the evidence of your senses. Turn your attention away from any circumstance that challenges your new state of consciousness. Become so confident and so consistent to the new story that you are unfazed by the facts before you. You already know you're the operant power so why would they bother you in the first place? In your reality, you will always get to win.

Don't be afraid of a fresh start. You won't be starting from zero, you'll be starting from experience now that you know what to do instead. Don't lose hope in something that is your birthright. You cannot fail!

Before I end this, I'd just like to say, please don't let giving up be an option. I understand that you may feel frustrated or upset because of what your journey looks like, but please don't give up. You are so so so so close to having everything you want. Think about the fact that manifesting your desires is so much easier than having to actually work for them like any sleeping person. You are truly so lucky to be one of few (out of billions, that is) to know about the law of assumption. All your desires ask of you is that you don't give up on them in the 4D. You have me and a whole community right behind you rooting for your success. Don't give up.

#the way this ended up being incredibly extensive like it isn't practically ⅓ of one of my future posts #hera's greatest hits

[sailforvalinor]

You know, I’ve said for a really long time that I dislike enemies-to-lovers, but I’ve realized this isn’t actually the case—I just dislike badly executed enemies-to-lovers. And, because this is possibly the most popular romance trope in YA (and most other literature, if we’re being honest), we’re seeing a lot of bad enemies-to-lovers right now.

I think what really irritates me about it most of the time is that authors want the "enemies-to-lovers" dynamic but don't really want to put in the work involved to make it convincing. Characters have to have some reason to hate each other to this degree, have to have some foundation for their relationship to stand on, but sometimes authors just want to skip to the witty banter in the ballroom or the intense rapier duel on the roof with underlying romantic tension without justifying to me why all this drama is happening in the first place.

Also, a lot of authors, especially in the YA fantasy genre, seem to default to "we are on opposite sides of a political conflict" or "you said something rude to me the first day we met" as a format to copy-and-paste their protagonists into and then leave it at that. And to be clear, there isn't anything wrong with these formats--plenty of good stories exist with these used as their basic structure! But it becomes a problem when you plug in a trope like this and assume it will do all the heavy lifting for you. It can easily come across as boring or lazy writing, just like with any poorly-employed cliche or trope.

However, cliches and tropes are not bad! The reason that an idea becomes a cliche or a trope is because it is so generally well-liked that authors are motivated to use it over and over again. These ideas naturally become cliches when they are used so much that the audience gets worn out on them, or it is used as a shortcut by less experienced authors to hide poor writing. But this does not mean you have to avoid any and all cliches at all times. One of the best skills to build as a writer is recognizing when you are using a cliche, and how you can best work that cliche to your advantage—giving the cliche a fun twist, adding layers and details (and-then-isms), subverting the cliche entirely, or just committing to the bit and writing the cliche straight as best as you possibly can.

All of this to say, here are a few variants, subversions, and fun employments of the enemies-to-lovers trope that I just personally think work really well:

Both people strongly and vocally dislike each other, but there deliberately doesn’t seem to be any logical reason as to why, at least to the audience—and it doesn’t really matter (Benedick and Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing. Also I realize that there is a line that suggests that they may have possibly been engaged at some point before the play, but I would argue that since we never find out why they fell out, and this is never brought up as a major plot point, it doesn’t really matter.)

Person A is a part of a group or regime that actively harmed Person B or someone close to them, but Person A was not actually directly involved—however, Person B still holds Person A responsible (Zutara, I still think Kataang is superior, but I won’t deny that this ship works. This one can be a bit cringy if played up too much or if it goes on for too long, but it works as a short-term stint)

Both people make snap judgements on the other’s character upon their first meeting—judgements that are incorrect—and go on to wrongly villainize each other’s character (Lizzie and Darcy from Pride and Prejudice, of course)

Person A did some grievous wrong to Person B in a past life, but one or neither of them remembers until they’re already in love (Reaper and Sunny from Goblin, I realize this is a little specific but my gosh does it slap and people should do it more often)

Similarly, Person A and Person B communicate via indirect means under aliases (i.e. letters, emails, chat rooms) and are falling in love, but hate each other in real life (You’ve Got Mail/She Loves Me)

Person A is sent to assassinate or otherwise harm Person B by the organization that they work for, but when Person B kills them with kindness it makes them spiral into a huge identity crisis (Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade from Star Wars Legends. I really need to do a complete breakdown of this ship sometime because it goes so much deeper than this, but there is way too much to talk about with them on this post—suffice it to say that they are very underrated and absolutely fantastic)

Classic enemies-to-lovers except it’s only one-sided—Person A hates Person B but Person B is absolutely clueless. I can’t think of a good example of this right now but I know I love it when I see it

Neither of them really actively dislikes each other, but they’ve gained such a reputation for their bickering that to admit that they might like each other would be too embarrassing and a blow to their public image (again, can’t think of an example but I know I’ve seen it done...I guess the latter half of Much Ado counts)

Classic enemies-to-lovers but instead of transitioning directly to lovers they become friends, leading into a enemies-to-friends-to-lovers pipeline—the best of both worlds! (Again, Luke and Mara. Also dare I say Raven and Beast Boy in Teen Titans kinda-sorta?)

#please add more if you have any other suggestions #I’ve always had problems with this trope #I’ve come to terms with it now but friends-to-lovers is still superior I’m sorry #I enjoy subtlety you know #writing #tropes #writing tropes #enemies to lovers #writing advice #ships #ship dynamics

[jingyi-ma-boi]

Yunmeng Twin Heroes' complicated dynamics

So, my tags in one of the last posts I reblogged got a little out of hand and were long enough to deserve their own post, cause, even if I was commenting on other people’s meta and headcannons I ended up 'writing' my own. If you click on the link, you'll see that @featherfur's post was all about the post-canon chengxian feels of seeing the changes in each other while not being able to directly participate in each other's lives. Go read that. It's a bit long, but it's worth it. The angst of seeing somebody you love(d) being so similar yet so different from what you remember, and thinking knowing that you do not get to be a part of their lives like you'd want to hits just right.

However, I don't think that level of 'deep yearning to be able to love each other like they once did' is everything there really is. To me, there’d be a point in post-canon where they do feel like that, but they would resent each other often and even feel something akin to hate as well whenever their feelings regarding everything that has happened in canon got too much to bear.

Now, you can go on reading what I think their emotional journey towards reconciliation would be like, or you can just skip to the end, where I’ve put a TLDR. You’ll get the general idea but if you want to dive into the complexity of their feelings, keep reading (please, I’d love for other people to read and discuss this with me, or give their thoughts at least T.T).

We all know how JC feels about everything WWX has done and how he blames him. For all that the fandom pegs him as someone who doesn’t know how to express his feelings other than through anger, he's actually pretty aware of them and lets himself experience them (although not in a healthy way, re: being angry most of the time). Meanwhile, WWX has always been incredibly detached from his emotions —that's why it takes him so long to realize he's been in love with LWJ since their teens— because 1) he's been raised to think that his value lies not on him as a person, but on him as a protector that has to right all his wrongs to everybody around him because of filial duty, life debts, and class differences; and 2) he doesn't think he deserves feeling them, as a result of that.

And although I'm all for the chengxian feels and the fluff of Yungmeng Jiang' bros reconciliation, (really, I love that trope) I don't see it happening organically.

Listen here, I'm talking from personal experience. You can feel enormous amounts of longing, missing the closeness you once had with someone who hurt you deeply, and resent that person at the same time. It seems obvious, but it’s the kind of obvious thing that needs to be reminded. In a situation like this, you can, and will, get bursts of anger at that person for everything they did and everything they didn't do. You hate yourself for missing them because you have all the right to be angry at them, and disapointed and sad, and you shouldn't be missing them nor contemplating the possibility of going back to how things were once. You can be glad to see that they are doing well in their new life and be jealous that it is not you who they're sharing all these new experiences with, while you're watching awkwardly from the sidelines, letting the guilt from the swarm of contradictory emotions eat at you, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter how you feel. What matters is the facts. What you did. What THEY DID.

I see JC going through a mix of less complicated emotions at first. After canon, where he scowls at WWX with anger at first, the underlying pain gains a new companion. A feeling of sadness that drives JC to avoid WWX in the same way that the latter’s pain and guilt drives him to avoid his shidi. WWX, on the other hand, would take the longest time to let himself feel more complex and contradictory emotions. He might even get stuck on that guilt and not let himself feel the anger, disappointment, and resentment towards JC that he has always buried deep inside if things at Cloud Recesses stay the same as ever and he and LWJ isolate themselves from everyone else while LXC withers away in his tormented seclusion.

(Here comes the important reminder that MDZS is full of parallelisms and as such, LWJ and LXC share the same complicated feelings that exist between the Yunmeng bros, even if the details of their relationships are different. I won't go further into the Twin Jades of Lan, cause they deserve their own post, but let it be known that their reconciliation is as unlikely as the Yunmeng Twin Heroes’. They’re totally related. Any advances in one of the pairs would positively reflect on the other and viceversa, that’s why it’s so difficult for them to avoid emotional stagnation.)

The key to WWX getting more in touch with his feelings would be in the changes brought forth by the juniors. LSZ and LJY would work through WWX's façade even better than LWJ does, cause WWX doesn't think them as biased. His two Lan ducklings would charge headlong into his emotional mess through gentle words (LZS) and earth-shattering remarks disguised as snark (LJY), and force help him through the mess of recognizing and sorting out those emotions.

Still, JC and WWX being aware of their feelings is not enough for them to solve things.

However, it might help them all to take a step forward and start acknowledging each other in a better manner. They’d go from having raw, more simple feelings preventing them to even wanting to hear each other’s name, to gradually being able to share the same space amicably. That doesn’t mean that looking at each other in the eyes or feeling each other’s gaze isn’t simply too much because it makes them spiral. This is the point where they’d yearn for this new, happier version of their brother, their emotions getting as complicated as I described at the beginning. But that's the most I can see them achieving on their own because they’re both so stubborn. They’re set in their own ways and it would take a huge external force for them to make the slightest changes (ie. golden-core transfer reveal and the little ducklings intervening to make WWX feel his feelings is what causes changes in their perspective).

Why do I feel like this? Am I allowed to feel this? How can I dare to want this when I can’t even forgive him? How could I ever forgive him? Would he ever forgive me? How is it possible that I still love him so much? Do I even deserve to have that with him after everything I did? And what about him? Am I ready to truly forgive him and trust him? Will I ever be? I can’t, I couldn’t even if I wanted to and it hurts SO MUCH! IT HURTS!

IT HURTS!ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS IHATEHIMIHATEHIMIHATEHIM

WHYDIDHEDODTHAT!?!WHYDIDHEDOTHATTOME?! WHYDIDHENOTDOANYTHING?!

WHY DID HE LEAVE ME?!?!?

…

You see? After everything I’ve laid down, any of them could have this exact internal conflict anytime.

The thing is they are both more alike than they think. JL would see through their bullshit and be so frustrated with it all through the years. Already an adult and experienced sect leader, he’d understand but not completely, because he’d be the first to realize that nothing can compare to what they’ve gone through. And yet, he’d want them to talk and make up because he loves his maternal uncles so much. He won’t admit it to anyone, (LJY, LZS and OYZZ don’t need him to. it’s been years since WWX returned and JL’s already an open book to them), but he wants them to be happy around each other. To not feel so torn apart between them. He’d want an opportunity to have some semblance of the family that could’ve been and he will take any chance, as small as it might be, to achieve that.

Cue the junior-now-adult-quartet shenanigans. They’ve been seeing how every adult they love is miserable to some extent, and now that they’re adults too, they can and will do something about it. Cause hey, if they were able to bulldoze in and force WWX to actually feel his feelings, they can do this too! So now, their new goal is to get these two grown-ass adults to talk. Although technically, WWX is only a few years older, and a great deal more traumatized than them too. They’re aware of it. But they’d rather not think too much about it because they most definitely didn’t cry for hours on end after they got him to talk and started thinking about his life. And they most definitely didn’t attract attention when, weeks later, they finally grasped the scope of everything that their seniors had suffered when they had been even younger than they were at that moment.

LJY and OYZZ would be totally and completely over-invested in this. They’d scheme and help JL trace a plan for how and when to talk to each of them individually to subtly let them know how he felt. LSZ would use his power as heir and acting sect leader to stage the encounter among the three of them, securing LWJ’s reluctant approval after a great deal of convincing. And JL would trigger the conversation with a spontaneous outburst at his two uncles’ ridiculous yearning. They’d probably use a combination of WWX’s inventions and Lan techniques to lock them into a room, and force them to talk and have a truthful heart to heart, and they’d hope that after that, everything would be okay.

A LONG bout of silence later, they’d hear shouting and objects shattering and hitting the floor. They’d hear them fight, without sensing any spiritual or resentful energy of any kind, and LWJ would have to be stopped from dismantling the arrays and talismans in place just so he could go pounce on JC’s throat himself. The blows would soon be replaced with more silence, then soft murmurs. Sobbing. More yelling, and cracked voices. It’d be almost time for waking up the next morning when the arrays disappeared on their own. The doors opening to show the two brothers splayed on the floor next to each other, robes and hair disastrously askew. Holding their forearms over their eyes, barely covering the tear trails and reddened cheeks, their chests would be rising peacefully as they’d finally seem to sleep from exhaustion. LWJ’s eyes would get stuck on the way their fingertips touch ever so slightly. The ducklings don’t say a thing, but they’d totally stare too. JL would be the one to break the silence and tell everyone they should be going to sleep as well (and if LSZ and LJY see JL’s glassy eyes and a lone tear… no, they don’t).

Would that be it? Nope. Haven’t I said already it’s not easy? They’d have started talking and acknowledging that they both want the same thing, but it’s still not enough. They’d have to WORK for it. Hard. They would need to build a support system if they wanted to achieve the relationship they want to have. LWJ would have to start seeing JC as a person, and one that is able to give his Wei Ying the happiness he deserves, now that he’s at it. JC would have to start relying more on the other adults in his live. And it wouldn’t hurt WWX if he expanded his circle to include people other than his husband, his son, his son’s friends, and his undead cinnamon-roll of a friend.

In this way, they would be working on their respective issues to obtain each other’s forgiveness. They would face setbacks on more than one occasion, questioning whether it’s even worthwhile. This is the only way I see them regaining trust in each other.

The two of them mending their relationship without strong external factors would be OOC and unrealistic. It doesn’t matter if you’re going by MDZS or CQL canon. Although if we’re going by CQL canon, I don’t think they would ever go further than the ‘avoiding each other’ stage, and neither would any plot device help them do it. CQL WWX is very tame in the war-crime front and even though he’s just as ‘selflessly’ quick to put himself in harm’s way as in the novel, nobody can blame him for an attack that was clearly planned years before (most of the ‘facts’ stated on the novel turned out to be complete hearsay and/or senseless bullshit, this translates to CQL too even though if the censorship fucked a big part of this by drawing extreme caricatures of everyone). His misdeeds boil down to war crimes of varying moral weight, and not trusting people enough to include them in decisions they should’ve been included in, cause JZX and JYL’s deaths were caused by SMS.

And CQL JC is… not good. His decision to completely ignore the Wens even when he personally knew them and knew they had helped them repeatedly (first encounter in the Dafan Mountain and then, after the fall of Lotus Pier) meant he’s the only character to blatantly disregard a life debt, one he had to the Wen siblings. And on top of that, he still pulls the same shit that novel JC does after WWX returns, which makes him even worse.

Novel JC, on the other hand, took the right decision by not getting involved with the Wens. They were complete strangers, and he couldn’t risk the safety of the sect and the people of Yunmeng. He was powerless against the wishes and whims of the cultivational world cause that's how politics work. You’re forced to choose duty towards your people over your heart.

But let’s get back on track. I’ll make a full post on my view of JC as whole another time. The reason why it would be so complicated and they’d have to work so hard towards mending their relationship is that they would first have to realize that they cannot go back to how things were before. JC would need to recognize that WWX is not to blame for all his misfortunes and he’d have to apologize for all the fucked-up shit he does after WWX’s return. Psychologically torturing his 21-year-old brother with dogs while being a 34 year-old sect leader that has had 13 years to deal with his emotions was a dick-move of the highest category. And so it is the stunt he pulls right before the golden-core reveal at Lotus Pier. Yes, the golden-core transfer was sketchy but made complete sense. Yunmeng Jiang needed a leader and WWX was not fit for the role, not due to a lack of skills, but because it would’ve worked as badly as JGY given how the whole Jianghu cared only about birth status and nothing else.

This doesn’t mean that JC’s evil, WWX is the ultimate child-abuse victim, and that JC should never get close to WWX ever again (I’m looking at you, JC antis, though this whole post is also a call-out to JC apologists, cause he ain’t no innocent snowflake wronged by bad, evil /WWX/YLLZ). It simply means that JC has to claim responsibility. He also needs to see that just like WWX was abused, he and JYL were victims of the same abuse. They both need to come to terms with that fact and know that they had some sort of trauma-bond given that JC’s coping mechanism for enduring the abuse was reflecting that same abusive behavior on WWX. Yes, siblings who grow up abused often abuse each other as well, and/or end up enabling their abusers through a fawn response (this was JYL’s case).

TLDR; I love the idea of these two hot-heads making up and having strong feelings about each other. But the abuse they endured growing up, and the abyss it slowly carved up between them is something they both need to acknowledge and heal from before even considering the idea of mending their relationship. That, and the extend of the wounds they’ve inflicted on each other since WWX returned are things I don’t see them working on unless prompted by external forces. Their relationship is too complicated and nuanced for anything other than that being possible, which means that they wouldn't be able to forgive and trust each other unless some freaking major plot-event forced them to actually talk. That’s why I see their reconciliation as highly unlikely.

#I'm here for all the chengxian feels #it's not a b&w thing #anyway this is my take on mdzs meta and reconciliation fics/AU #I honestly see few alternatives for not making them OOC or completely disregard the reality of their relationship #actions matter and boy do they have a lot to unpack #thank cultivation for lenghening life expectancy cause everyone needs so much therapy #chengxian #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #wei ying #wwx #mdzs wwx #mdzs jiang cheng #cql wei wuxian #cql jiang cheng #wwx meta #jiang cheng meta #yunmeng bros #yunmeng siblings #mdzs juniors #mdzs meta #mdzs novel #cql meta #my meta #fic ideas

[thorraborinn]

have you ever posted your thoughts on Crawford's translation of the Poetic Edda? if you have any of course

Crawford's translation succeeds at what it sets out to do, which is to be entertainment for a widespread, popular audience. The result is that it's less suitable for coming to know what the Old Icelandic says, because source texts really are genuinely difficult, confusing, probably corrupt, and otherwise disorienting. Crawford uses quite a lot of artistic license to make it smoother, more coherent, and more entertaining. We can also compare Hollander's translation of the Edda, which translates it into poetic meter, and subordinates accuracy of translation to the goal of turning it into English-language poetry. It's a work of art, but I wouldn't use it for a deep dive into the meaning of the poems.

The example stanza I like to use is the second half of Völuspá 23/28 (the numbering is different by source). The context is that this immediately follows the mention of Gullveig/Heiðr, of her being speared and burnt in Hávi's hall and her coming back to life each time. Right after this stanza starts the description of the war between the Æsir and Vanir. OIce text from the Íslenzk fornrit edition:

hvárt skyldu æsir afráð gjalda eða skyldu goðin ǫll gildi eiga.

This means something like the following. I'm doing a super close, literal translation, guided by the Íslenzk fornrit edition of the Poetic Edda, and I'm linking to dictionary entries for key words:

'whether should (the) æsir pay afráð [either 'tribute' or 'compensation for damages'] or should the gods all have [tribute; (rarely) compensation]'

I think it's worth emphasizing that this actually is confusing. It's not clear whether the word goð 'gods' means both the Æsir and the Vanir, it's not clear who is providing the gildi that that "all the gods" are having. It's often interpreted to be something about whether human worshipers should make offerings to both Æsir and Vanir, but human worshipers are not mentioned here anywhere. I don't mind telling you that my personal interpretation is that the Æsir are debating which of two forms of reciprocation-based relationship is better: violence or kinship. But I wouldn't put that into a translation.

Here's Crawford's translation:

about whether they should endure Gullveig’s depradations or whether they should seek revenge.

As far as telling a story goes, this is much more sensible and coherent than what the Old Norse text actually says, but again, it's not what it says. Most of Crawford's translation doesn't go this far in defying the source text, but this stanza in particular is better described as a retelling than a translation.

Here's Larrington's 2014 translation (the one I've been recommending since it was published, and which is much better than her first edition):

'whether the Æsir should yield the tribute or whether all the gods should share sacrificial feasts.'

This is far and away closer to the source text than Crawford's. In my opinion it does border on editorializing that she translates gildi to 'sacrificial feasts'; that is certainly a possible underlying intention, but it does not reflect the semantic range of the word gildi. Underlying this translation is generations of scholarly debate about the meaning; this is a common understanding of what it meant here although it isn't universal.

Here's Pettit:

'whether the Æsir must pay a great penalty, or all the gods must have offerings.'

This is probably as close as one can get to a direct, literal translation in plain English (as opposed to what I did above). It's also endnoted with a warning that the interpretation is uncertain. It leaves it about as confusing as the actual Old Icelandic text actually is.

How much all of this matters depends on the reader and what they're trying to get out of it. If someone just likes Amon Amarth and wants to read cool Norse shit then Crawford's translation is probably ideal, and Pettit's is more likely to make them think that Norse poetry sucks and isn't worth getting into. But on the other hand if someone is, say, a heathen who venerates Gullveig, they are more likely to find the nuances important.

For more opinions on Crawford's translation, see: https://www.mimisbrunnr.info/eddic-to-english-jackson-crawford-2015

#poetic edda #heathenry

[avelera]

may I ask if in your 1589 fic, despite all the messed-upness of it and the hate sex and the consent issues, if there is some underlying love/care for the other (not necessarily at the beginning! but maybe as they keep seeing each other?). I only ask because I really really care about dreamling and while I love the more hardcore kinky stuff I can't really stomach it if there's no caring for one another at all at least buried deep somewhere in there with a pairing I care about so much.

It's totally okay if you don't wanna say/it's spoilers, I'll deal ^_^

So at the risk of spoilers, I will say short answer: yes, there is genuine care and love for one another (eventually on Dream's part but from the beginning on Hob's part) in this fic. It's not just vicious hate fucking and indeed, there'll even be some moments of angst and pathos mixed in around this point.

Long answer below the cut:

This fic has at its root a few deeper emotions beyond kink and hate fucking which emerged while I've been writing it.

From Dream's POV, it's not just that he hates Hob for being a vulgar materialist, it's that he hates that 1489 Hob who saw such wonder in the world and who had picked up a trade in printing books had pivoted to being a vulgar materialist. This genuinely hurt Dream's feelings for reasons he does not dare name, like his burgeoning crush on Hob. He wouldn't be this angry with Hob if he didn't deep down care that Hob disappointed him this much with his choices.

There's also a running thread of Dream not really believing anyone can actually stomach him if they knew him. He's got trauma from Nada, Killalla, Calliope, and Alianora sloshing around in his head in this fic and we're going to address all of it through the challenges he throws at Hob. Because really, deep down, this competition quickly becomes Dream trying to prove that if Hob really knew him, darkness and all, he'd never actually want to be with Dream. Hob surviving and indeed seeming to enjoy inexplicably all these challenges begins, slowly, to give Dream the barest hint of hope that maybe he underestimated Hob in truth and, maybe, Hob really is someone who can withstand even the worst parts of Dream.

For his part, Hob's pathos comes from the fact he's actually quite scared of getting married and/or falling in love again only to have lovers die on him over and over. Yes, his reasons for proposing are a bit selfish on this front, but he is sincere in his desire to share the fruits of his labors this past century with Dream specifically, since he sees Dream as his patron, muse, and inspiration. And if Dream accepts, then Hob never needs to worry about getting his heart broken again. Dream takes a dim view of this, thinking Hob's motives are entirely selfish, but over time we see how Hob really does care about Dream, darkness, sadism, bitchiness, and all. He really is, genuinely, into all the weird kink stuff Dream throws at him becaue Dream paying attention to him is his real kink, deep down, and this is what Dream can't possibly fathom. That anyone, much less Hob, would want Dream so badly that it doesn't matter what he does, they just want to spend time with him is incomprehensible to Dream (and, arguably, exactly what he needs: a partner as crazy and obsessed as he is).

This is MOSTLY a smutty comedy so I'm not going to say to expect "Giving Sanctuary" levels of pathos, but I will say that lurking beneath the surface of this story is how two genuinely awful people fucked each other to the point of becoming slightly better people, found out that they're kink-compatible, and fall in love despite Dream's best efforts. Because that's hilarious to me.

#1589 fic

[ihopesocomic]

realized that MP's weird "masculinity = bad" agenda that the other anon brought up very clearly also shows up w/ their writing of hover as a gender non-conforming/butch lesbian.. due to the fact that she takes on a more traditionally masc role in lion society and is also an obvious stereotype. she's in this weird limbo where she's written to be cruel and abusive like the males in the series but since she's a lioness the narrative kind of tries to wave it away and expect us still to find her likable. it's weird

Like we've said before, we don't even know if a masculinity=bad or even an anti-man message was intended. But it's certainly there anyway.

I mentioned this in one of my last Hover rants, but it's not lost on me that the two butch lesbians that are in canonical relationships are both crass and awful. (Karabi is just fortunate enough to have less screen time than Hover.) I don't really need to go over speciics of what they do, but the short version is they both are irrationally furious with their stereotypically-feminine parter. Or in Hover's case she's treated like being flippant and offensive is cool (or that she's allowed to be ableist so long as its against a guy she doesn't like.) and is either dismissive of Nothing's concerns or flat out isn't interested in her needs when it's more important to punish her. In Karabi's case when Kyoga is keeping their relationship a secret, her impulse is to question her love for her, instead of being sympathetic to the position she's in and actually trying to find a solution.

(And I won't get into Hover's broken personality when she wants to join the pride lol)

When I see toxic masculinity presented in a butch lesbian character, and it's never brought up or called out or improved, I side-eye the writers, no matter who they are. And no matter whether the character is "intended" to be one we side with. Because this has been a harmful stereotype for decades, and yet it shows up in a character it doesn't even make sense for it to have. So I can't help but think about whether these characters exist the way they are because there's conscious or subconscious prejudices floating around and it was possibly never even addressed by a single person during the editing process. (Or if it was brought up, it was ignored.)

There's always been this underlying judgement of butches (or transmasculine people in general) that we're "trying to be like men" and it's like uh lol That also just kind of shows how little they know. (It's almost like butches have a complicated relationship with gender or something, what a novel concept.) And yet. People keep continuing to write us this way. Now why on earth would that be? Oh yea cuz its all people see in media (bar a few outliers). Now I'm gonna stop myself before I go on an 8 year tangent unpacking why "trying to be like men" would entail being emotionally stunted and rude. Good lort.

And I don't really want to hear that "Hover is a reincarnation of Karabi, that's why they're both big and muscular" because that's not stated in the show. And I don't want to hear anything about manes and hormone levels, quite frankly I'm over granting this show the "realism" argument in any degree. The fans care more about the realism than the show does lol Especially as far as it's queer representation is concerned. - Cat

#ask

[charmedreincarnation]

Hyy , I need some urgent help with the void. I really just want to tap in and live happily.

DO READ AND HELP, PLEASE !

So I have thins feeling that my subconscious mind is stopping me from tapping in to protect me. I want to break free from a pattern that I have seen in my LoA journey. I know about it since almost 4 years , however for all desires I have had I have failed to get them , no I am not saying I did everything and still nothing worked. I tried to do some things but would always find a way to not manifest it. For instance , I wanted weight loss and I started affirming for it. And started having doubts such as I should'nt manifest it because that would mean I don't love my body , or I started thinking my weight loss would manifest in a negative way/something negative would happen for my weight loss. So now I started seeing my weight loss in bad light. I really want it at the same time am scared to get it too. Its just one instance , the same has happened for everything else, like exam scores , sp , manifesting beauty etc.

Now when I came to know about the void, I was more than happy and relieved that I could have it all. But the same things happened , I started seeing void in negative light. If I tap in the void and master it I can have whatever I want in life and later on I might want things that scare me now, or what if I would feel "empty" if I have it all, I am just so comfortable living in misery that the thought of having what I want feels so out of reach. I badly want it but cant seem to have it, I know we can have anything and all things are possible but no matter how much I try to let that sink in it doesn't. I just feel this feeling that my subconscious is trying to protect me from tapping in and getting my desires because for so long that is what has happened, I have found a way to think negatively about having my desires why would I tap in the void now and have it all. I hate this pattern , I hate when I have the "hope" of having all I want but then I fall back because I find a way to think negatively about what I want.

I am trying my best to not sound desparate and miserable but the truth is I am. Despite knowing about the law and the void and how easy it is I have thos gloomy and hazy feeling always envelope me when it comes to having my desires.

First of all, it's important to acknowledge that it's perfectly normal to feel scared or unsure when it comes to manifesting your desires. Change can be scary, even if it's a change you really want.

One thing that might be helpful is to examine the underlying beliefs you have around your desires. For example, you say you have a belief that weight loss means you don't love your body,but why shouldn’t you have the desire you have, butIt’s the opposite lol. you’re doing what you think is best for yourself and mindset, and there’s nothing negative about change. You’re still the same person so don’t reduce yourself to your body, your face, or any of your desires tbh. Take some time to identify any limiting beliefs you might have, and work on shifting them.

Another helpful approach is to focus on the feelings you want to experience, rather than the specific outcomes you want to manifest. So instead of focusing on weight loss or a specific exam score, focus on feeling healthy, confident, and successful. This can help you detach from the specific outcome and allow the universe to bring you what you need to experience those feelings.

When it comes to tapping into the void, remember that the void is simply a space of unlimited potential. There's no need to feel scared or overwhelmed by it. You can start by setting small intentions and manifesting smaller desires, and build up to bigger desires as you feel more comfortable.

But babe, just remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself. it's okay to have doubts and fears along the way. Keep working on shifting your beliefs and focusing on the feelings you want to experience, and trust that the universe is working to bring you what you need, because it is, and you deserve it.

#void state #manifesation #law of assumption #law of attraction

[neuroscientist-ramblings]

Why do I want an annoying blog that probably won't mean anything to anyone?

Brief intro to me, I'm working on my PhD in neuroscience and the focus of my research is psychiatric disorders, how they arise from within the brain, and if there are different ways to target these disruptions in the brain to provide more effective treatment for those suffering from a mental illness.

Personal details that shape my experience/interpretation of all this nonsense: in my late 20s, lesbian, non-binary, grew up in a very conservative suburb in Dallas

I'm so sorry for anyone reading this, it's really just self-indulgent analysis of mental health and psychology and neuroscience, but I wanted an outlet for my seemingly sudden obsession of *why* feelings even happen in the first place.

I've kind of always been interested in this concept but I haven't really acknowledged it or spent much time with it since it is such an overwhelming concept to even begin to understand the human mind and why we act the way that we do.

I have to assume my initial interest in why mental illness happens came from an actual interest to understand myself. Even at a young age something in me knew that my thought processes and seemingly overwhelming feelings weren't "normal", in that they were deeply affecting me in ways that didn't seem to be happening to other people. And it seems that the way my brain is wired that led to a NEED to understand WHY exactly this was the case as a way to cope with feeling alienated and different than everyone else.

I've struggled with depression the vast majority of my life and gone through so many different treatments to try to alleviate my symptoms and some things have mildly helped but mostly just left me back in the same place I've always been, depressed, overwhelmed, apathetic, avoidant. And I think this struggle with my own brain fighting against me being happy (whatever tf that means) is a lot of what drove me toward neuroscience in the first place.

It's almost a coping mechanism actually to put the psychological distress aside to focus exclusively on what is going wrong *in the brain* that makes me this way instead of examining any other external factors.

Don't get me wrong, the study of neuroscience (or any biology affecting humans for that matter), can definitely be a largely noble pursuit. I want to help the world cure an infectious disease, I want to cure cancer since it's such a large problem. But I think what I'm getting at here is that underlying that "noble" pursuit of helping humanity, there's almost always a selfish reasoning for that. For people studying Alzheimer's, a lot of them know someone who has or is experiencing that horrific disease. For people studying various forms of cancer, they know someone who was affected by the currently available treatments for cancer and how devastating that whole process can be to your life.

But neuroscience seems uniquely positioned to be a selfish study, in my opinion. We want to understand ourselves so strongly that it drives us to delve deep into the brain and pick it apart to understand what makes us human. This is an obnoxiously philosophical approach to why we do science but I think it's an important one to consider ESPECIALLY in the realm of neuroscience and mental health.

I think there's historical evidence of this too. When the field of psychology was first coming about there was some interest in what was happening in the brain to make us act in certain ways, but a movement of thought-leaders or whatever you want to call them shifted the field AWAY from the brain entirely to focus on behavior. And I'm sure there are a ton of different more "logical" reasons for approaching human behavior this way, but in my mind part of that reason has to be that at the time we had no method of accessing the brain at all so it was essentially an unknowable void. If we can't physically get to the brain to mess with it or see it or anything how can we possibly begin to understand what's going on in there, so the response is to then say the brain doesn't matter at all because it's too overwhelming to imagine a singular organ controls every aspect of our experience.

Now, however, neuroscience is a massive field of research and there's almost a complete divide between neuroscientists and psychologists and I don't think this is the approach we should take either. My boss is a very strict neuroscientist and that school of thought is really interesting to me in a deterministic way. His thoughts about behavior essentially boil down to dysfunctional behavior is EXCLUSIVELY maladaptive wiring within the brain. And I don't think this is incorrect necessarily since basically any type of experience or even weird genetics can rewire your brain in a way that's very strange to others and cause behaviors that are destructive to your life.

However, I find this approach to be too narrow-minded to fully understand the human experience and how mental illness comes to be. Yes, the brain is affected by everything you do and all the people around you and your parents and whatever else you can possibly imagine, BUT we still don't have the technology or techniques or methods to explain everything that affects being a person as a whole and why some people seem to have a much harder time with that experience than others.

Essentially it boils down to, neuroscience is an incredible way to understand biologically why we are like this, but I also think in some ways the human experience is too complicated to ever fully understand how social interactions shape us as we get older or how the collective experiences we share affect some people much more deeply emotionally than others. Right now, in 2024, we just don't have the tools to fully understand the complexities of conscious thought. Neuroscience aims to understand this in many ways but it's limited by how we can dissect the brain to understand it. Not only is generally the human experience complicated but the brain itself is constantly changing and the ways different regions are connected to each other and interact is so complex and we simply do not have the ability to unravel all of that complexity.

In short, neuroscience is the coolest science ever, but we are complicated. In this blog I will ramble about psychology (maybe neuroscience too who knows I don't have a plan) and just the fun ways our brain decides to interpret things and rationalize our behaviors.

#academia #neuroscience #psychology #mental health #mental illness #someone tell me i'm smart and cool for saying this #i need attention

[zmediaoutlet]

happy wincest day, z! (every day, every day)

a q for u: in my head, you're the queen of the 'established relationship' fic (if that's a mischaracterisation, apologies, you just do it so well), but if you had to pick the time (season/era) when they most likely crossed that line, when would it be?

side question: what's a season/moment for first-time that you find underrated/unconventional/fascinating?

happy wincest any day, all the days! (sidenote I keep having these ultra busy weekends and there's no sign of that stopping so oh man, catching up on asks is a Task! but here I am! so strong, admire the strength -- anyway -- )

I do not mind being queen of established relationship! It's my favorite fic model -- like I almost never click on first time, haha -- so it's a good thing to be known for. :) My... very very boring answer to this question is that 'most likely' just entirely depends on the background & sexualities of the Winchesters you've decided to work with -- all of which can change a lot even inside wildly canon-feeling presentations, because the nice thing about Supernatural's canon is that there's a ton of wiggle-room to play with their histories and internal processing. There are places you can go which start to feel OOC, but like -- it's trivially easy to say that, e.g., Dean did sex work for an unspecified period pre-pilot. Sam had a bi-curious moment in college. Sam and Dean were alone in a cabin in Wyoming for three straight months and started to get stir crazy. When he was 17, Dean and John [redacted]. With all of those potential options, 'most likely' gets really hard to pin down.

THAT SAID: the model of the Winchesters that I personally Queen Z of Established Relationship Grotto prefer to go with is:

a Dean who did a non-personally-traumatizing amount/degree of sex work in his late teens/twenties; a Dean who is bisexual but of the model where he tends to sleep with women because they're easier/more practical, but leans homoromantic and operates in a more neutral men-who-have-sex-with-men model where they Don't Talk About it; Dean and John were Some Kinda Way (emotionally if not physically incestuous); Dean is aware that his own feelings over Sam are fucked up; and then

a Sam who is mostly straight although doesn't tie his personality to that fact, bc he knows himself pretty well and doesn't need to front about it; a Sam who may have had a same-sex handjob or something in college but, again, it doesn't definitionally change anything for him; a Sam who actually kind of leans aro, mostly because the only relationship he really needs is the relationship with Dean; a Sam who knew that Dean and John were Weird (but not the extent); a Sam who wants a lot of things, but he really wants to want things, which is substantively different.

So: given those two guys, I really like them hooking up very specifically in the area around 2.02, Everybody Loves a Clown.

It's a great moment for a lot of reasons. John's looming presence is cut out, although of course that ghost haunts them still and the effect of his death is a shockwave that changes things massively for both sons. Sam's dragged closer to the family (too little, too late) and turns inward in a big way; Dean's sense of loyalty is cracked in half, both because of John's loss and because of the unthinkable last job he was given, and he's turned toward rebellion for possibly the first time since he was eight. Plus it's just a good atmosphere: hot, oppressively sweaty, that uncompromising sun beating down and searing away all the shadows they used to lurk in. No matter who starts it, they're both in a wildly unstable place and the underlying rules of their relationship have changed -- something that I think is key for a first time to feel legit. It's also one of my favorite places for the ostensible one-and-done that might lurk in the bg of 'first time in a long time,' another of my happiest fic models: that e.g. Sam was drunk and grieving and made a pass at Dean, and maybe they kissed and maybe they even crashed the yogurt truck together (my new favorite euphemism for ejaculation), but that afterward it's put away, and it's not until like s11 that they open up that box again.

As for the side question: since I don't really like first time, this one's tough, but I will say that I'm pretty done with first time in s1. They barely know each other. Give them a minute. Get some s12 maturity-and-shock feels when their mother's gone a-fucking-gain. Get some s6 when Sam's freshly resouled and Dean's so happy he could light up the room. Wendigo? Wen-suck my dick.

#sorry wendigo you're fine honest #it's just like. can they be adults at least haha #that 'i'm gonna drive' look just isn't that good!! anyway. #answers #happy wincest wednesday #whatever day it happens to fall

[musical-chick-13]

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing?

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

I do genuinely want to, at some point, get to all of my ideas, but since I only have so much time on this earth, probably I'd have to say the random Good Omens AU rattling around in my brain where everybody is a Shakespearean actor. Instead of heaven vs hell, it's different schools of thought in interpreting the text. Instead of the apocalypse it's, "This theatre is going to close down."

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

It really depends. If it's something rather complex or that spans a lot of in-story time, I'll usually make some little notes or write down first-draft dialogue for important scenes/developments; and I'll spend a lot of time thinking about how the general plot will unfold before actually sitting down to write anything. If it's anything under like. 10,000 words though, there is basically no planning at all, lmao.

21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

I don't remember doing this? That doesn't mean it hasn't happened, though. I will say, there ARE large chunks of dialogue/internal monologue I've deleted from closer to god. Not whole scenes, but certainly decent-sized parts of them. This fic, more than anything else I've written, is a story where I want to make sure that what I'm trying to communicate is getting across as clearly as possible. The subject matter is...complicated, and it's important to me to both represent that complexity and to make the characters work within the subject matter in a way that feels organic and authentic. When I've cut something, it's always been because I didn't think the passage was successfully meeting those ends.

25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing?

Yes, absolutely. Not really so much in the sense of, "I wrote this and it made me sad," but in the sense of, "Oh, I wrote this line because there is an Underlying Personal Issue™ that I didn't realize I had until now."

I have on more than one occasional gotten emotional working on my Aki/Himeno WIP, just because it requires me remembering that she's dead. And I'm never going to be okay about that.

Fic writer asks!!

#c2g #The Fic That's A Lot #(because it shows up) #multi t(ASK)ing #thank you!!!

[watchmorecinema]

Normally I just post about movies but I'm a software engineer by trade so I've got opinions on programming too.

Apparently it's a month of code or something because my dash is filled with people trying to learn Python. And that's great, because Python is a good language with a lot of support and job opportunities. I've just got some scattered thoughts that I thought I'd write down.

Python abstracts a number of useful concepts. It makes it easier to use, but it also means that if you don't understand the concepts then things might go wrong in ways you didn't expect. Memory management and pointer logic is so damn annoying, but you need to understand them. I learned these concepts by learning C++, hopefully there's an easier way these days.

Data structures and algorithms are the bread and butter of any real work (and they're pretty much all that come up in interviews) and they're language agnostic. If you don't know how to traverse a linked list, how to use recursion, what a hash map is for, etc. then you don't really know how to program. You'll pretty much never need to implement any of them from scratch, but you should know when to use them; think of them like building blocks in a Lego set.

Learning a new language is a hell of a lot easier after your first one. Going from Python to Java is mostly just syntax differences. Even "harder" languages like C++ mostly just mean more boilerplate while doing the same things. Learning a new spoken language in is hard, but learning a new programming language is generally closer to learning some new slang or a new accent. Lists in Python are called Vectors in C++, just like how french fries are called chips in London. If you know all the underlying concepts that are common to most programming languages then it's not a huge jump to a new one, at least if you're only doing all the most common stuff. (You will get tripped up by some of the minor differences though. Popping an item off of a stack in Python returns the element, but in Java it returns nothing. You have to read it with Top first. Definitely had a program fail due to that issue).

The above is not true for new paradigms. Python, C++ and Java are all iterative languages. You move to something functional like Haskell and you need a completely different way of thinking. Javascript (not in any way related to Java) has callbacks and I still don't quite have a good handle on them. Hardware languages like VHDL are all synchronous; every line of code in a program runs at the same time! That's a new way of thinking.

Python is stereotyped as a scripting language good only for glue programming or prototypes. It's excellent at those, but I've worked at a number of (successful) startups that all were Python on the backend. Python is robust enough and fast enough to be used for basically anything at this point, except maybe for embedded programming. If you do need the fastest speed possible then you can still drop in some raw C++ for the places you need it (one place I worked at had one very important piece of code in C++ because even milliseconds mattered there, but everything else was Python). The speed differences between Python and C++ are so much smaller these days that you only need them at the scale of the really big companies. It makes sense for Google to use C++ (and they use their own version of it to boot), but any company with less than 100 engineers is probably better off with Python in almost all cases. Honestly thought the best programming language is the one you like, and the one that you're good at.

Design patterns mostly don't matter. They really were only created to make up for language failures of C++; in the original design patterns book 17 of the 23 patterns were just core features of other contemporary languages like LISP. C++ was just really popular while also being kinda bad, so they were necessary. I don't think I've ever once thought about consciously using a design pattern since even before I graduated. Object oriented design is mostly in the same place. You'll use classes because it's a useful way to structure things but multiple inheritance and polymorphism and all the other terms you've learned really don't come into play too often and when they do you use the simplest possible form of them. Code should be simple and easy to understand so make it as simple as possible. As far as inheritance the most I'm willing to do is to have a class with abstract functions (i.e. classes where some functions are empty but are expected to be filled out by the child class) but even then there are usually good alternatives to this.

Related to the above: simple is best. Simple is elegant. If you solve a problem with 4000 lines of code using a bunch of esoteric data structures and language quirks, but someone else did it in 10 then I'll pick the 10. On the other hand a one liner function that requires a lot of unpacking, like a Python function with a bunch of nested lambdas, might be easier to read if you split it up a bit more. Time to read and understand the code is the most important metric, more important than runtime or memory use. You can optimize for the other two later if you have to, but simple has to prevail for the first pass otherwise it's going to be hard for other people to understand. In fact, it'll be hard for you to understand too when you come back to it 3 months later without any context.

Note that I've cut a few things for simplicity. For example: VHDL doesn't quite require every line to run at the same time, but it's still a major paradigm of the language that isn't present in most other languages.

Ok that was a lot to read. I guess I have more to say about programming than I thought. But the core ideas are: Python is pretty good, other languages don't need to be scary, learn your data structures and algorithms and above all keep your code simple and clean.

#programming #python #software engineering #java #java programming #c++ #javascript #haskell #VHDL #hardware programming #embedded programming #month of code #design patterns #common lisp #google #data structures #algorithms #hash table #recursion #array #lists #vectors #vector #list #arrays #object oriented programming #functional programming #iterative programming #callbacks