#I just feel like I've been abnormally social

[khytal]

I am having. A Week

#khytal.ks #'khyt it's monday' ..................I am having A Week #not bc of current events. #I just feel like I've been abnormally social #and I might be on the verge of getting my life back on track #or at least doing something with it #people think sitting around doing nothing is the dream but having lived 10 months of it. it fucking sucks man #and I'm the kind of person who doesn't really like leaving the house #so that says. a lot #losing track of time is a horrible feeling btw. do not recommend #I'm lucky if I can remember what day it is

[strangertheories]

I've been seeing people saying that platonic Stobin is only benefitting Steve or that Robin only exists to redeem Steve from past homophobia and I'd like to politely disagree. I don't think enough people realise just how crucial their friendship was to Robin's character development outside of Steve, so I'll just spell it out here in this long post for the four year anniversary of Robin coming out to Steve.

At the start of S3, Robin is deeply sarcastic and jokingly rude, but this is not entirely what she is actually like deep down and the true Robin doesn't emerge until her and Steve are talking to each other in the bunker. She says that she acts like she doesn't care and that she floats above it all (in reference to popularity) but deep down, she just wants to feel normal and accepted.

But Robin knows she could never be accepted fully because of her attraction to women. If she acts like she doesn't care and holds Steve at an arm's length, it keeps her safe. Robin can't be rejected if she doesn't let him in. She doesn't believe anyone could ever be friends with her if they knew her secrets, so constructs this personality around herself, however deep down she is just insecure and struggling with internalised homophobia.

A lot of people talk about Robin's coming out scene, rightfully so, but I think we need to talk more about what happened before. When Steve tells Robin he's attracted to her, she looks devastated. With her guard let down after a near death experience and drugs, she was finally able to bond with someone who she now has to reject.

At first, she tries to talk Steve out of liking her. She tells him that he doesn't know the real her and that if he did, not only would be not want to date her, but he wouldn't even want to be her friend. This is where it all becomes clear that Robin's sarcasm and refusal to let her guard down is not linked to her sexuality but rather because of it.

This is why Steve accepting her is so crucial for her character from then onwards. For the first time in her life, Robin let someone see her true self, knowing that she would be rejected and lose her only friend. And yet she wasn't. Robin let Steve in and his acceptance finally enabled her to realise that just because she is gay it doesn't mean that she's abnormal or could never be happy. Obviously, there are safety concerns that prevent her from running through the streets of Hawkins with a pride flag, but I believe this acceptance is crucial to the version of Robin we see in S4.

After S4, there were a lot of complaints that the Robin we saw in that season wasn't like S3 enough and felt like a completely different character. Firstly, Robin was shown to speed talk, be unhelpful and miss social ques when nervous in the final episode of season 3, so I disagree with that criticism. But most importantly, the reason that S4 Robin is different to the one in S3 is because S3 Robin was never real. It was a character she built in order to avoid dealing with the pain of rejection or accepting that she cares about what other people think of her. But due to Steve, Robin is able to realise that she doesn't have to be someone else, hence her personality shift.

That's also kind of why I dislike the idea that her relationships with Nancy and Vickie are better than her one with Steve because she wouldn't have had those relationships if it wasn't for him. Steve enabled her to open up and let down her cool and sarcastic persona. Robin is anxious and awkward with Nancy and Vickie from the get go unlike with Steve, which ends up enabling her to ultimately make more real bonds with them much quicker. She would not have been able to do that if it wasn't for the value his acceptance brought into her life.

I'm going to get a bit mushy and personal here, so feel free to skip to the end, but platonic Stobin isn't just meaningful to the fictional character of Robin. I'm an autistic lesbian and I have had a lot of struggles with making and maintaining friendships. For a while, I didn't have any friends at all and I was very depressed. But now my mental health is so much better because I was able to find a friend who fully accepted me, who I didn't have to mask around, who I easily came out to. Becoming friends with her has enabled me to become way more comfortable with unmasking my autism outside of that one relationship because being more vulnerable is what enabled that friendship to be so much better in the long term.

Robin is a character I relate to a lot, and I've written a lot of posts on autistic Robin in the past. I think seeing friendships portrayed on screen where a girl is able to let down her mask, learn to become herself and become much less distant to the point that she explicitly feels comfortable telling someone she has issues with social ques is great for all kids. So many people, especially autistic people, struggle with being themselves and with finding friends. Maybe Robin did just exist to redeem Steve or whatever, but I know seeing that friendship on screen meant a lot to me. It's so difficult to find someone who accepts you and to open up to someone, but I think that platonic Stobin shows that it can be worth it.

Sorry for the mushy side tangent at the end, but I hope this post explains the importance of Steve's acceptance to Robin's character development. Acting like she only exists for Steve is dismissive of the impact that friendship had on the development Robin has and will have, especially if you view Rebel Robin as being somewhat canon. Not to mention, clarifying a loveable character is no longer homophobic feels like a pretty good thing.

#long post #stranger things #robin buckley #steve harrington #platonic stobin #ronance #rovickie #autistic robin buckley #byler #<- target audience

[eshithepetty]

LISTEN. I KNOWWW that the polls haven't even started, but I'm impatient, ok, I'm just putting this out there now cause I can't take it..... anyways - I've seen people do powerpoints as a way to campaign for their blorbos in the various polls that have been going on, so!! I thought I'd do one of my own for the @autismswagsummit ^^ as I simply can't pass on any chance to be brainrotted over this series, it seems...

ID under cut, as it's very long!

[ID: a powerpoint presentation campaigning for Mob from Mob Psycho 100. It's formatted in dark purples and pinks.

The first slide is the titlecard, differing from the main slides by having a pink holographic aura, like the ones from the show, as the background. The text says:

"#MOBSWEEP 2023

Aka why you should vote for Mob in the upcoming autistic swag summit. Please

(JK follow your own heart ^^ but for your consideration:)"

The second slide is titled: "Who is Mob, aka Kageyama Shigeo?" and below the text lists:

"Source: Mob Psycho 100, which is also where Reigen comes from;

The protagonist! Only with background character syndrome (which is why he’s named ‘Mob’ – it’s kinda like naming your protag ‘John Doe’ lol);

A 14 year old with the psychic strength to destroy the world. Which he’s not very happy about actually;

Cause really, he’s just a nice, gentle boy who simply wants to improve and impress his crush by getting swole :) Oh, and he also experiences the horrors. Btw."

On the right of this text, there are two images: One is a zoomed in screenshot of Mob, his face blank and confused, and the other is an official art of the show, depicting Mob in the center, aura glowing, with many of the show's other characters around him, with the show's title at the bottom of the image.

The third slide's title is "Ok but tell me more about the autism", and below, the text says:

"Gladly ^^

Ok, first off – symptoms:

Bad at reading social cues, detecting sarcasm, lies, etc.;

Struggles with recognizing/expressing emotions. Has what could be called psychic meltdowns;

Very honest and blunt, sometimes appearing ‘ruthless’ as a result;

Explicitly low empathy, in that he can’t feel what others are feeling;

Actually very compassionate, and follows a really strict moral code;"

There are no images in this or the next slide.

The fourth slide is a continuation of the previous, with the text being:

"Abnormal reaction to sensations, but instead of overreacting, he underreacts, rarely responding to physical touch and disturbing imagery. Has shown to be at times sensitive to loud sounds, however;

Prefers following a routine. One of his biggest conflicts with Reigen literally arise from the man often calling him out of the blue and making him suddenly adapt, which Mob finds really annoying/upsetting;

Struggles in school. Explicitly bad at math, japanese and PE (really passionate about the latter tho), which could be for a variety of reasons, autism related conditions (like dyscalculia/dyslexia/dyspraxia) being one of them;

Has felt like an outcast for most of his life. Even if he grew up in a pretty loving environment, he recognizes that he is different to others, and people sometimes treat him as such (in a /neg way);

His main arc is about overcoming trauma and… just masking (and how to stop doing it), pretty much, lol."

The fifth slide, in contrast, is mostly just images, placed upon a white background. The title for this one is "Alternatively, just look at him:"

The images, from top to down, and then left to right, are:

Three cropped subtitles out of screenshots of the show, which say:

"I'm sure I just got the wrong idea again. How embarrassing."

"He's detached from urban legends, fads, and other hot topics among people."

"You just can't lie, can you?"

The fourth is a cropped screenshot of Mob's explosion meter. Both in Japanese and English. Specifically, it says: "Progress towards Mob's explosion: 92%". Additionally, there is an annotation above this image, saying: "Literally has a meltdown meter ksfdks"

In-between these and the next column of images, there is also a transparent image of Mob, him standing stiffly, faced towards the camera, his standard, blank expression with a small smile on his face.

The next column of images goes like this:

A screenshot from the show, done in paint on glass, of various kids towering over Mob, who's standing in the middle of the image, small. Their expressions wary, from sneering, to frowning, to looking disgusted. The subtitles at the bottom say, with one part blocked out due to spoilers: "[spoilers] didn't treat me any differently even though I could use psychic powers."

Next two are cropped dialogues as well. They say:

"This version of him was created from being suppressed and locked away."

"Social skills like that are beyond you."

And on the right of the slide is one vertical image, showing one of Mob's books, with the subtitles translating the Japanese title of the book as "The Proper Way of Reading the Room". Next to this one, there is also an annotation, saying: "He has a book on learning social cues :’)" That's all for this slide.

The sixth slide is titled "Is he good rep though?" Text below is:

"Well, to answer the first thing relevant to this question… no, he’s not actually confirmed canon autistic. But c’mon.. it’s so obvious. This kid is not fucking allistic like c’monnnn

Of course, what people consider good and bad rep is gonna vary from person to person. But to explain why a lot of people see him as very positive rep:

"1) He’s the main character, so he gets the most spotlight, and the narrative is formed around his pov, in that we only see things that are relevant to Mob, and visually things are often represented in the way Mob sees them as well (take the body improvement club or Tsubomi, for example), which puts all viewers soundly in his shoes and makes him easy to relate to and sympathize with, and makes it clear how important his emotions and view of things really are;"

On the right of this are 3 images against a white background. The first one is a screenshot of the Body Improvement Club - 5 very buff and large dudes - standing against an explosively red and yellow background, with all of them enthusiastically flexing. The caption below that is "The body improvement club! ...they're supposed to be middle schoolers lol".

The next two, below the first one, are two screenshots of Tsubomi. The one on the left has her smiling, her eyes wide and bright, the background being pastel pinks and yellows. The one on the right, however, has her frowning, the background turned black, her eyes dark and disinterested. The caption below says: "Tsubomi :) And how her design subtly changes alongside Mob’s view of her".

The seventh slide is a continuation of the previous, with the text being:

"2) He’s a very well rounded character, with well thought out strengths, flaws, motives, and his overall story is very cohesive and satisfying; 3) His autistic traits are portrayed neutrally – in both where they help, and where they can cause conflict. It balances between him learning what things he would benefit to address and deal with, and what things he shouldn’t be trying to change at all, and as the whole message of the show emphasizes – he is no more or less special than anyone, no more or less of a person – he is simply human, and his autistic traits are just part of what makes him himself."

This one has images next to it as well. The first one is a screenshot of Reigen looking towards the camera (at an off-screen Mob), hand to his chin, eyebrow raised and smiling, some food crumbs still stuck to his face, as he says: "Today you happened to save some people that only you could have saved." Next to it is the annotation: "Reigen reassuring Mob about how his inability to read the room and feel empathy actually can be a huge benefit sometimes :)"

The next image below is a zoom in of Mob's face, his eyes shadowed by his hair, the scene's lighting dark, as he says: "I'm not being mocked, nor am I easily taken advantage of." The annotation next to this one says "Mob learning to recognize his emotions and assert himself better as the story goes on!"

And the last two images is a screenshotted dialogue, saying "You don't think changing yourself for someone you love is natural?" "I don't. At least, not when we're talking about [spoilers]" (The last bit is blocked out again).

The eight slide is also a continuation. The text says:

"4) He is loved. Loved by his friends, his family, his allies… even most villains come to take a liking to him. In fact, he’s something I haven’t seen many autistic characters be – he’s admired! So many characters, and even viewers of the show I’ve found, really admire him and want to be more like him. And not because he’s a perfect person, or super smart or anything, but because he sincerely tries his best. And I just really appreciate that, personally,, 5) And more than just loved, he is accepted – the whole main arc and the resolution of his story centers around that, around how important it is to feel accepted by the people around you, in all your entirety, no matter how strange or destructive you may feel yourself to be. And how you need to come to accept yourself in the same way as well. I just think that’s a really sweet in a story centering around a neurodivergent person :’)"

And the images next to it are as follows:

A screenshot of dialogue from the show, saying: "At first glance, Mob may seem unreliable, but his strength is undeniable." The annotation clarifies with: "The ‘strength’ in question, in this case, being Mob’s ability to reach out to people ^^";

A screenshot of Teru placed against a blindingly white background, him grinning widely, looking down, eyes shining, as he says: "I knew it, you really are amazing!". Next to him, there is a small caption of "Lol gayass /pos";

And a screenshot of Mob, in the bottom center of the image, small, as he is surrounded by various characters. Most of them are smiling encouragingly, with the ones closest to him, like Reigen, Ritsu, Dimple, Teru and Tsubomi, being bigger and placed in the front. A small caption at the top says: "He has so many friends and allies ueueeueueue.."

The ninth slide is titled "Additionally:" and the text lists:

"Psychic powers as a metaphor for being nd/othered, if that suits your fancy;

His design is iconic and versatile;

The boy has. Issues;;

There are many other characters in mp100 who can be read as autistic. Not a single neurotypical in this show /hj

Mob has more than just autism swag. I’ve seen people with bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety and those who are plural (etc.) also relate to him :)

He is simply the Boy ever"

Next to the last line is a small, low quality image of Mob smiling from the manga. The rest of the images, on the right, are:

The meme "I can be your angle....or yuour devil", with images of Mob instead - on the left, him smiling brightly and blushing, placed upon a colorful magenta background, and on the right, a panel from the manga: Mob in one of his explosion states, surrounded by fire, face shadowed, hair pushed back by his powers and waving in the air, and his eyes, wide and eerie, being the only features on his face that are visible.

On the right of these images, there is a smaller one, of Mob in another one of his explosion states (the one from episode 3, season 1 of the anime). He is facing to the side, aura surrounding him, hair pushed back by his powers and his eyes a glower. His pupils are red.

Below these, there are three images of, in order, Serizawa, Tome and Ritsu. Serizawa is sweating, nervous, Tome is sweating even more and yelling into a phone, and Ritsu is simply glaring towards the camera. The annotation pointing to them says: "A few of the other autistic blorbos in question :] (as I personally see them at least)".

And the last is a panel from the manga, of Mob sobbing, tears and drool dripping messily down his face, his hair waving in the air. His expression is somewhat blank despite the clear distress, and the text boxes next to him read: "His tears won't stop. It's an emotion he has never experienced before."

And the tenth, final slide, is formatted the same as the titlecard with the pink aura background, and says:

"Thank you if you got this far <3

Have good days everyones, and remember, the true win for autism is the fun we had along the way :]

Buh bye!! ^_^"

Around this text, there are various images of Mob. Counter clockwise, starting at the left corner:

A low quality screenshot of Mob flying in the air;

Mob, in his puppy hoodie, sweating in distress as he points at a vase;

Mob caught mid smear frame, his leg kicked high in the air as he jumps, his school bag swinging to the side, his expression comically flustered.

A panel from the manga. Mob's eyes are shadowed, chopsticks held to his face, as he stares to the side and says "Tch... Shut up and eat.";

A Mob in an alleyway from the anime, smiling, pointing and looking up and to the left (the center of the slide);

A photo of a Mob plushie tucked into bed;

A low quality screenshot of Mob, standing against a wire fence, facing forwards, his eyes appearing a bit angry due to his hair cowering them.

End ID.]

#autismsummit2023 #mob psycho 100 #mp100 #kageyama shigeo #autism swag summit #tumblr polls #autism #powerpoint presentation #I tried to keep this relatively spoiler free ^^ also feel free to ask me to elaborate on anything in this #trust me im ready to ramble whenever sjdfgsj (bearing in mind that im not busy at least) #though. tbh thats not That much of an excuse bearing in mind that i definitely did this in place of my real responsibilities 😳 oops #can you blame me though. its literally The Autism poll cmon #my own post #described #the id took like 3 hours to write.. ough. desperately hope theres not any mistakes in there

[olderthannetfic]

I just got a comment saying I should have tagged for dom/sub undertones and I'm a little confused. In canon, this guy always bosses his wife around re: doing shit that's healthy for her - napping, drinking water, remembering to eat more than once a day, getting more than 3 hours of sleep - and she lovingly calls him "Boss Man" as a nickname because of it. On some occasions where she's gone more than a day without eating he'll swipe her phone and order her to eat before she gets it back, something she always seems to find endearing. There's a lot of 'I didn't mean to worry you', 'you're worth worrying about, now here's your favorite homemade walnut bread' stuff, all there in canon, just lifted from canon and transplanted into my fic.

Is this dom/sub stuff? I'm aroace so I've never been in a relationship, but I assumed "take care of yourself" "I will but I will call you a silly nickname over it" was regular relationship stuff. Or is it that the frequency of it makes it dom/sub stuff, and I'm just not grasping that because my neurodivergency is making me not read the social cues correctly? I was only recently diagnosed but this has been a problem for a long time, the whole line between normal and abnormal behavior, so I thought I'd ask you. You're much more well-read than I am and know a lot more about shipping dynamics and how they're tagged. I feel like you're an expert whose opinion carries a lot of conclusions-informed-by-knowledge and so your take could help me figure this out.

People who are doms or subs or write them, if you have a guide on this stuff, that'd be cool, too. I want to educate myself more so I know if I should tag something. After all, I can't get my story to people who want to read it if it doesn't show up in the tags they're searching for. Readers aren't mindreaders. It's on me to make sure they can get ahold of the things they're looking for. I just need to work around my own ADHD-addled brain to do it.

--

I think this is the usual pattern of demanding silly tags that would only make sense in that reader's own bookmarks.

Yes, caretaking and food control of various kinds can be a part of BDSM. No, your description of canon does not make it sound like this has obvious undertones.

Readers are going to have different interpretations. It's possible that other readers would agree with this one. I have my doubts. I suspect they're projecting. But sure, maybe other people would think there was some of that vibe.

However, if you did not intend the fic to read this way, I would not add the tag. This is not what the fic is about.

--

As for what this kind of thing can look like when it is intended as a dom/sub activity, the movie Secretary has a bunch of examples. She calls him on the phone to tell him what her family's dinner looks like that night; he gives her instructions about which things she can eat how much of. The way she acts while making that phone call makes it clear it's an exciting game to her. Another time, he tells her she's not allowed to cut herself anymore: he will provide what she needs.

Even if the characters are being playful, just nagging someone to do basic self care doesn't really come across as this. It's more charged when it's an intentional power exchange thing.

It's more like... hmm... if you and a friend agreed to LARP as characters for a day. Even if you were acting fairly normal and doing things you'd often do anyway, there would be this added extra vibe to it that someone who knew you well could probably detect.

It's not so much about the specific behaviors: it's about the extra meaning those people ascribe to them. If it doesn't seem like the canon characters think of this caretaking any specific way and you, as the fic author, don't see it that way, then I don't think it will generally read as a dom/sub thing to most readers.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Interested in Writing But Can't Seem to Write

Anonymous asked: I've been interested in writing since I was a child. Used to be a bookworm. Whole chapter books in one night, completely addicted as a form of escapism. My first real dream job was to be an author - I decided this at around 11 maybe. No matter how many phases I've had, I always return to wanting to be an author. I am 22 now. I have not written a single thing. I vaguely remember writing like, maybe 3 things at most. Incomplete works that I just had fun with. And this was before I even turned 14. But in all those years of "loving writing and books" and "wanting to be an author" I did straight up nothing. Didn't even contribute to fanfics for the fandoms I was deeply obsessed with (I do remember trying once but wasn't into it). At some point reading was out of my life too.

I'm going to start here, because of these conflicting statements:

-- "I have not written a single thing." -- "I vaguely remember writing like, maybe 3 things at most."

See the issue? ;) If you've written "maybe 3 things" you have written something. They may have been incomplete, and you may not even remember what you were, but that doesn't mean you should discount them. You have written. That experience is still in there somewhere.

One of my biggest pet peeves as a longtime writer is hearing newer writers refer to themselves as "aspiring writers." If you write, you're a writer. Period. It doesn't matter if you journal, write poetry, write fan-fiction, or wrote a middle-school round robin with friends where you all married your favorite K-Pop stars. You write. You're a writer. And, honestly, even if you're not actively writing right now, if you want to write--if you think about writing, are constantly jotting down story ideas and character names, and are eagerly gathering inspiration from all around you... guess what? You're still a writer.

Now I'm trying to take my interest in writing more seriously, but I just can't sit down and write. I'm good at storing notes and ideas and daydreaming what my stories are about, but nothing is ever produced. If I think about it I immediately lose interest - even if I am in fact still interested in writing and publishing? I'm very confused by my behaviour and I wonder if it's normal.

What you're experiencing isn't unusual. In fact, most writers experience it from time to time, though usually it happens at points further into the writing journey and not right at the start. But I still wouldn't call that "abnormal." It happens.

There are a hundred-million reasons why it happens, and the only way to figure out why it's happening for you right now is to do some soul-searching. At your age, I think a prime suspect would be that you're in the jumping off point for your adult life. This can be a tumultuous time for a variety of reasons, and your focus and energy may be naturally geared toward the things that help you explore and settle into this new phase of life. Even beyond that, if you have have a demanding job (including being a parent or caregiver), are going to school or studying for job-related tests/classes, or have a lot going on right now (multiple projects, lots of travel, lots of appointments and social commitments, etc.)--your focus and energy is probably running thin as it is, so finding a way to funnel what's left into writing is going to take some finesse. And that's if this is even the right time for it, which I'll get to later on.

Writing Stress = Writing Avoidance

One of the most mind-blowing things I've learned about writing is that writing avoidance often comes down to writing feeling stressful for whatever reason. If you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to write, write a certain amount, meet goals or deadlines, that translates to stress. It makes writing stressful, and the problem with that is evolution has wired our brains to avoid things that are stressful. At its most basic level, stress is a response to danger--you hear a lion roar in the distance, it causes you stress, you turn and run in the opposite direction. Stress triggers the "fight or flight response," a defense mechanism that protects us from the impending danger. With writing, "fight" shows up as self-criticism. "Flight" shows up as avoidance.

So, if you find that you want to write but are avoiding it, it's worth considering if you're avoiding it because it feels stressful to you. If so, there are things you can do to de-stress writing. For one thing, let go of the notion that you have to write any particular thing or amount in order to be a writer. Set yourself a bare minimum writing goal to reach every day... like writing for 10 minutes. That can be any writing--journaling, writing prompts, working on a story, fleshing out story ideas, fluffy fan-fiction, poetry, writing down a favorite memory, doing a book or movie review, anything. Try to do it every day, but don't beat yourself up if you sit down and aren't able to write anything, don't write a lot, or never sit down at all. Just try, every day, do your best. Also, try setting up a writing routine that you do every day when you sit down for that little writing session. Try to pick the same or similar time each day, do a little meditation or stretch beforehand, put on some soft music or light a candle, get your favorite drink or small snack. If you do this almost every day, what you'll start to find is that the writing happens more and more easily. Eventually you'll be spend more and more time doing it.

Why can I say I'm interested in writing when I don't write at all?

I'm interested in traveling to England but I haven't yet and have no current plans to. Does that mean I'm not allowed to say I'm interested in traveling to England?

Being interested in something doesn't mean you have to do that thing right now or you can't say you're interested in it.

And even if you can't write right now for whatever reason, there are still plenty of writerly things you CAN do. Following writing blogs and vlogs is a good start. You can listen to writing podcasts and read writing craft books. You can keep a notebook full of plot and character ideas, setting inspiration, favorite quotes, interesting words, and overheard bits of dialogue. You can watch TV shows and movies (and read books, which includes listening to audiiobooks!) You don't even have to do these things all the time or everyday. Just periodically, when you can. It all goes into your creative well and will be there to draw from when you are able to write.

One final word...

You do not have to be in a hurry to be a writer or to be a published writer. The average age of first-time publication is mid-30s. I was mid-40s. Jane Austen was 35. Toni Morrison was 40. J.R.R. Tolkien was 45. Richard Adams was 52. Annie Proulx was 57. Laura Ingalls Wilder was 65. National Book Award winner Harriet Doerr was 74. Poet Sarah Yerkes started writing poetry at 97 and was published at 101.

So, be interested in writing. Own that interest. Figure out if and how writing fits into your life right now. If it doesn't, do the other things. Fill your creative well so it will be ready when writing does fit into your life. ♥

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••��•••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

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[aromacaque]

Something I don't think a lot of queer people understand because the aro/ace community is very online-oriented is how little people actually know about aromanticism.

I feel like if you're predominantly in queer spaces (especially online) then of course you have at least heard of aro/ace identities, but IRL I have only met like 2 other aro people. Ever. In my entire life. Most people I meet tend to only know a little bit about it, or more than likely know nothing at all. Most people I meet have never met an aro person ever in their life (that they know of), and it Really shows. Because I think generally speaking most people know of other sexualities and trans people to some degree (i.e. gay, bi, trans). If they don't they definitely know of them. But that's not the same for aromantic people. So whenever I talk about myself, unless I explicitly give the label out to them so they can have a word to associate with my "abnormalities" or the things they think are strange (or even wrong) about me, then they just stare at me like I'm an anomaly.

I have been stared at like an anomaly. I have had many moments with people where me just being vaguely honest about my love life (or lack thereof) has been met with confusion and discomfort from the people around me. Multiple times where I can tell people are uncomfortable and HAVE A PROBLEM with me for either offhandedly mentioning I've never had a crush or just not having much of anything to contribute to a conversation regarding that stuff.

I have also had people claim they could be the exception or that they could "fix me." From both straight and queer people by the way.

My entire existence challenges so much of these people's concept of how social conventions work and so they immediately pinpoint me as being different.

To add to this, that feeling of alienation is very present in queer spaces as well. Being the only aromantic person in the room of other queer people, who claim to be accepting, yet you're always the afterthought? If even thought of at all? That's.. not really acceptance, is it? I don't think so.

I could get into more detail with this but the gist is that I've always felt more comfortable in queer spaces as a trans person than I ever have been as aromantic.

I genuinely don't think other queer people actually grasp how alienating and oppressive socially the experience of being aromantic is. They just see us as "basically cishet" or "QPRs are basically just dating!" when that couldn't be farther from the truth. The way I experience attraction is fundamentally different to the majority of the population, cishet AND lgbt sexualities combined. And it's really annoying to be treated as if we don't ever experience prejudice due to it.

#aromantic #asexual #spin the wheel of: what did skull just remember and/or experience to make this post?

[cator99]

not trying to start shit but if ur comfortable do you mind talking about your gender identity and transition / opinions cause the post about your coworker really got me thinking

Youre not starting shit dw. I think that if a man can blast roids be bald not shave think of femininity as personal humiliation be competitive and openly express attraction to females then I should be able to do all that while rejecting any of the pathologizing that happens based on the fact that I'm doing that while female. Ykwim. I think that the concept of "gender identity" is precisely that disturbing pathologization I'm referring to. When a male looks or lives how I do, it isn't ever seen as indicative of any internal misalignment... but for me it is? Stupid. But the thing is that there absolutely is a misalignment occuring– and I've had to realize it has nothing to do with me. The way I live signifies nothing about holding some sort of allegiance to the males who are generally the only ones utterly unquestioningly afforded the freedom to live this way because for them it is a freedom– and for females, living like this often takes immense amounts of courage. And when one wants OUT of it all... it's easier to approach this painful reality by simply performing mental magic, flipping the narrative and saying "ah! Suddenly my hatred for all of this Woman Stuff makes sense! I should have been a man all along!" That's great but after almost 15 years in this I've realized it is fucking loser shit to think that despising misogynistic expectations and restrictive gender roles makes one a man actually because well um because you said so... because only men crave dignity... because woman equals long hair and shaving legs and makeup and my socially-trained bodily hatred and desire for a life free from demeaning treatment on the basis of my femaleness is totally abnormal no women ever feel like this no women could possibly enjoy the thought having a hairy body or a beard or feel inspired by masculine aesthetics which are largely equated with strength confidence dignity social dominance and being in actual possession of a brain and personality so any desire to embody that and be seen by others as an actual human being instead of a member of the subjugated sex actually make one imbued with Real Maleness... right..... to be honest it just became so embarassing to think that I was a grown adult still acting like this shit made any sense. I don't have a gender identity. When I pass, I take on the status of undercover female. I'm not a male. Have y'all actually met any of them?? Like, for real??? Its like... Jesus christ... LOL. No. I like the way I live. I have sympathy for females lost in the gender sauce but it only goes so far when they're by and large fucking insane and homophobic. And sure I could talk about my transition but I ultimately see it as such a non-thing. I don't think of myself as having transitioned at all, because I was always like this more or less, it's just that now I have a few more hairs on my face and a deeper voice and none of it feels unnatural or strange or "trans" it just is what it is and was always going to be... and that will always be contextualized by my sex– how could I go on denying myself that? And letting it fester like a wound... Oh and also I eventually realized it's just way more dope to be a high-value hairy jacked dyke who accepts myself but keeps doing my thang & not give a fuck than it is to be a desperate delulu self-conscious passing-obsessed little wannabe-man lol

[itsmaferart]

Twiyor parallelism #4 ··· Mutual trust

Warning: This post contains manga content

It's been a while since I continued with the Twiyor parallelism, and I feel it's a good time to pick it up again. Everything I say here is based on my point of view based on the manga content, so you are free to have a different opinion. That said, let's begin

I think a recurring theme in the fandom is the constant teasing we do from the beginning of why a spy and an assassin, the most lethal and dangerous people in their respective countries don't realize their identities? Yes, we've all laughed in Twilight's face for simply being one of the smartest men and not realizing that a normal wife shouldn't be able to knock over a cow -

oh come on, just look at the dumb face he makes.

But moving on from the jokes, I've seen so many people make their posts explaining why this happens, I feel it's a good time to give my own version:

Multiple answers:

I think for a lot of people the most obvious answer is that Spy x Family is a comedy, so a lot of the plot conflicts and resolutions don't really have to make sense. Basically any contradiction is valid, Twilight goes from being a genius to an idiot in a second to the next. In one aspect, such as espionage, deduction and plans, Twilight is intelligence, but in the face of incoherence such as his wife's monstrous strength or his daughter's manipulations, it simply seems that his brain stops working. As Sylvia herself would say: Is he a genius or an incompetent?

Another theory I've seen is that Twilight doesn't recognize a normal woman: Twilight is so used to strong women, be they spies like Sylvia or Nightfall that he doesn't distinguish the level of strength as something "strange". Twilight has not had a normal life, he lost his mother at a very young age. So he has had no interaction with everyday situations, which explains his occasional awkwardness in being a stay-at-home father and husband. So for him, Yor having colossal strength is the most normal thing.

The women he has been with during his missions surely had skills as well. Which, it is possible, given that Twilight has been everything from an agent of the armed forces, a mobster, a political figure, and so on. So it's not strange to assume he's been with women who come from dangerous backgrounds. And Yor would be the first couple with a "more everyday" life (being a city hall employee)

Personally, I think all of these answers and plots are correct, because they all work in and out of the story. Considering that the comedy of Spy x Family is so unpredictable, each plot fills in different implausible moments that occur. The characters are silly, smart, blind, deductive and have very abnormal views of what is everyday and what is not.

I support the idea that Twilight has a distorted view of the world, this is mainly due to the war, having been a soldier and then becoming a spy. He has not had a normal life, he is adapted to see the world as a spy: through intrigue, suspicion, and denial of his emotions. However, espionage has allowed him to develop exceptional social skills so that he can be liked by many people and know how to get the best out of them. Basically, Twilight's reflex is to "take advantage" of his relationships, this mental bias is so embedded in he does not hesitate for a second to take advantage of the slightest opportunity to seduce Yor —even though the strategy he applies is totally fallible. Twilight is used to the idea that relationships are "links to extract information and make his work more efficient". However, if it were so normal for Twilight for a woman to have such strength, I think she wouldn't be surprised by Yor's prowess or go to the trouble of saving ordinary people.

I think Twilight is aware that an ordinary civilian is vulnerable, and that Sylvia and Nightfall are trained combat agents. But he simply doesn't try to reason Yor's strength, since it doesn't have a solid connection to being an assassin (But I'll emphasize this in the next point). We add that Twilight is attracted to strong women: But this refers more to the emotional strength of a woman to overcome life's adversities and keep smiling. (Although I also think Yor's strength drives him crazy).

Even so

However, I think there is one reason, which seems to me to be the most important (and I think many people overlook). I am referring to the reason why Twilight personally does not suspect Yor, and her "peculiarities".

And that is…

Twilight trusts in Yor

Possibly many people feel that this is contradictory because of the times Twilight has distrusted Yor. But even knowing that, I think those moments of relapse only emphasize that Twilight trusts her, but his instincts as a spy prevent his from feeling safe with his family, so I'm going to review those moments:

Mission 2: From their first encounter, Yor showed signs that alerted Twilight to her peculiarity. For starters she could be among the first people to penetrate his guard completely, when he didn't even perceive that she entered the tent, and quickly caught Twilight's gaze. This made the spy reconsider his plans to "ask her to be his mate", worried in the face of a woman with such sharp instincts.

Paradoxically, however, Yor demonstrated a degree of naivety bordering on being "foolish" by being able to believe the most ridiculous lies Twilight could come up with. While, Twilight saw it profitable that their interest coincided as one needed a favor from the other, he seems unable to comprehend how such a naive woman could become insightful, causing a contradiction in the spy's logical mind.

Curiously, when Yor protects him with a kick, pushing the criminal away from Loid, far from reaffirming his suspicions, Twilight seemed delighted with this spontaneous act of hers. Her strength, far from being a threat to him, functioned as a defense mechanism.

.

Mission 14 - Being an SSS agent: Once they move forward with the marriage, and meet Yuri Briar, who turns out to be an obvious SSS agent to him, it makes perfect sense that Twilight is suspicious and feels that Yor may actually be an agent sent to set him up. It could be that the SSS was aware of his mission, (since they are spy hunters) and sent a woman to investigate him and play the role of wife. Which would coincide with Yor's very open attitude to accepting a fake marriage, despite the strangeness around Loid Forger.. It would not be unusual if Yuri at some point revealed his identity to his sister (although he has no desire to do so) and she just pretended not to know. All this detonated in Twilight setting up his wife, with Franky's help. Although all that theatrics ended in failure when Yor proved with actions and words his innocence.

The most important thing to note in this scene is that Yor was risking her identity as an assassin, exposing herself to the SSS for her brother and her husband. The reason for her being Loid's wife was to protect herself from the SSS, but she was willing to fight two officers or the entire organization if they laid a finger on her family. If they had been real police officers, the sight of a woman assaulting a police officer or covering up for suspected spies, Yoru would surely be questioned.

Even before disguising himself as a secret policeman, Twilight hesitates about wearing a wire or not, even though he is a spy. Still, Yor didn't mind if she was confronted by SSS members. She preferred to defend her fake husband, which makes Twilight dismiss his suspicions and feel enormous remorse. It's seeing someone, risking it to protect him.

.

Mission 67 Meeting Melinda Desmond: When Yor tells Loid the news that he has just met Damiand's mother, Melinda. Twilight has a few brief moments of distrust, raising the possibility that Yor is in cahoots with his target's wife. He dismisses this when he considers how illogical it would be for Yor to be telling him about their encounter, plus Anya quickly made a clarification.

Clearly, this suspicion has little basis in fact, as Yor has no idea who the Desmonds are, and has never shown any political interest. Her entire involvement with the Eden Academy has been at Loid's request, from the very beginning.

.

We also have briefer mentions like the nights Yor would come home very late with her hands full of cut and grim looks, and was reluctant to have dinner with them. Or that time after their date at the bar when Twilight thought Yor was setting him up in reverse to force him to do the skin trap. These times, though, were quickly dismissed

We can see, in each of these times, that there are patterns in Twilight's distrust: He has never had a conclusive clue that Yor is an enemy, much less a murderer. Twilight only clings to mere assumptions when Yor interacts with people dangerous to him: the Desmonds and the SSS. And leads him to believe that they are colluding with his wife to betray him (Something that surely could have happened to him in the past with his fake relationships).

Twilight's distrust of Yor stems from himself, and his greatest fear since starting the Forger family:

..."Getting attached and learning to trust other people"

Clearly, Twilight has been getting to know Yor and she has only shown him her most honest side: a sweet, maternal, tender, patient woman, with a positive, discreet vision, who puts love and family first. But she also shows him her most vulnerable side: she is shy, clumsy, unsociable, a lousy cook and very insecure.

That has caused Twilight to confide and show himself vulnerable to her on more than one occasion. For they, in part, share many insecurities, the same sense of responsibility and sacrifice. The truth is that feeling so much comfort with Yor has made him more sensitive, but it also makes him develop an unconscious fear that all that beauty is a lie, and he himself is falling. Feeling exposed to Yor, for the many times he has let his guard down with her.

Yor has been gaining Twilight's trust:

Yor and Twilight have had a strong emotional connection (whether romantic or not). It is the connection of two people who manage to fully understand each other even though their lives have been different. Twilight believes that Yor was a sex worker, in order to provide for her brother, and far from wanting to judge her, he understood that Yor has been a person who has sacrificed so many times to protect something she cares about. That Yor has the strength to overcome adversity and be able to keep smiling while thinking of another person's well-being. This sense of sacrifice makes Twilight empathize and be moved by his life, as he perfectly understands having to sacrifice yourself even if you don't get a direct thank you or reward. While Yor, she discovered someone who supports her, understands and far from playing her, praises all her actions.

This trust has grown more when they support each other in their roles as parents, or when they try to be a good partner for each other, appreciating every kind and sincere gesture they have for each other; and when they do their best not to make each other uncomfortable at any time.

Yor has really used the force to protect her family, never to abuse it (except for everything that has to do with her role as an assassin). Despite having the ability to kill those who mess with her, Yor represses her instinct and remembers not to abuse her power; and only allows herself to do so when she feels that her daughter (and most likely her husband) are in danger.

In conclusion:

I think Twilight's perception of Yor could be divided into two parts, one is influenced by his rational facet as a spy, as Agent Twilight; and the other, by the real man, (Redacted) Representing the conflict he has in learning to trust other people, and with that, learning to expose his emotions. Each of these facets coexist within the same individual and one often overshadows the other at certain times.

On the one hand, his spy side is always in conflict with Yor, looking for any crumb of suspicion. Despite having no reason to distrust Yor he always clings to excuses to prove to himself that he "should trust no one". Yor has so far proven to be the person Twilight can trust, but surely his doubts as a spy make him believe that letting his guard down in front of her puts him in danger. As that old saying goes.

"… Nothing so good, can be so true…"

And Twilight, in his facet strives to believe that that personality: sweet, kind and unconditional could turn out to be a trap. The spy seems to be afraid that Yoru might one day betray him, because he knows that deep down he is exposing himself to her. When Twilight thinks like a spy with Yor he usually fails, sabotaging himself and backing away from advancing their relationship.

However:

The real man, the boy who once existed, is learning to "trust Yor blindly" to the extent of talking about himself and his past with her. He knows that Yor and his strength are not a threat, and more than once they have managed to overshadow the spy in his head. Demonstrating his most genuine and sincere side to her. Twilight has shown that most of the time he is genuine with Yor, except for the lies about his work, but more than once he has shown that what he thinks about her is something that comes from his heart.

Twilight will be able to understand his real feelings for Yor when he can learn to trust her and perhaps some plot event will make him understand how important it is for him to have her by his side.

I think the most interesting thing is to know what Twilight's reaction will be when he gets to know Yor, in her assassin role, Thorn Princess and the importance that his feelings will have at that moment. And the reaction he may have when he gets to know the darker side of Yor's personality, who is much more confident, determined and really is a threat to her enemies.

.

.

What is your opinion?

Here is the previous part

#twiyor parallelism #spy x family #yor forger #loid forger #twiyor #yor briar #loid x yor #anya forger #sxf #twilight #spyxfamily twilight #agent twilight #spy x family manga spoilers #spy x family manga #spy x family loid

[thelostgirl21]

I have a bit of a sad interpretation of Radovid and Vizimir's relationship dynamic on the show, that I've occasionally touched upon, but never really took the time to fully address on its own; nor quite taken the time to reflect on how it affects his behaviors and the choices he makes on the show, as well as how he is experiencing his relationship with Jaskier.

As some of you may know, I was raised by a mother with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and only discovered, at age 30, that there was anything unhealthy and abnormal about our relationship.

Looking back, there are moments when I go "How the fuck did I ever think that was okay?!", but that's just the thing. If the grass you've been walking on since you were young has always been purple, you can't know that it's supposed to be green.

Often, parents with NPD will treat their children as an extension of themselves, absolutely "adore them", and be very protective of their relationship with them...

...as long as the child provides them with a steady dose of narcissistic supply, and makes them feel like they are the center of their world, that is.

They will also manage to create this very "it's you and I against the rest of the world, and we can only trust in and rely on each other!" worldview, that will keep their child psychologically isolated from any outside interference/influence.

Instinctively, we learn to become our parent's "sidekick", confident, the only one they claim they can fully trust, and do our best to avoid individuating - becoming our own person too much - outside of what they are willing to accept or tolerate from us.

We will take center stage only when they are proudly showing us off to other people, and sharing in our accomplishments - that is, when our successes are making them feel good and proud about themselves.

But otherwise, we tend to make ourselves smaller and let them hog the spotlight, as we know that our job is to make them feel important, admired, etc.

Our job, in social settings, is to be their #1 fan and supporter!

And, the more we succeed in making them feel good about themselves; the more we are "valued" and "cherished" by them.

From the outside, the relationship between us can even be idealized, because all people can see is a smiling child that's really close to their parent: we make them proud, they make us proud, and we offer to the rest of the world the illusion of a happy and close-knit family unit (an illusion we often learn to believe in ourselves).

But the "love" we receive from them is not a healthy kind of unconditional love and acceptance.

It is a very conditional, almost contractual kind of "love".

There is this unspoken agreement between us that, if we do a good job at making our parent happily bask in the positive reflection of themselves we can offer them - then we shall be rewarded with their "love" and "approval".

Sadly, that unspoken rule doesn't give you a lot of room to figure out who you truly are outside of that relationship, and become your own person.

It doesn't give you a lot of room to believe that becoming your own person even actually matters!

And it also comes with the hidden threat that, should we no longer be someone (or rather "something", because they tend to see us as objects and possessions, rather than full-fledged individuals) they approve of, we'll no longer be accepted by them, nor any longer truly be safe around them.

Our own wants, needs, and concerns are often minimized, ridiculed or downright dismissed, and treated as unimportant whenever it's something they do not wish to be bothered with, and/or they have no clue how to address and handle.

And, while I know that Vizimir isn't Radovid's father (on the show, that is), I still can't help but see a similar dynamic going on between them.

We don't know how old the two brothers were when they lost their parents, but there's this distinct sense that King Vizimir sees Radovid as someone that depends on him, rather than an equal.

Philippa also refers to Radovid as King Vizimir's "baby brother".

So, there seems to be this idea that Radovid is supposed to be young enough, compared to Vizimir, for the King to feel like he's someone that Radovid should look up to and rely on for guidance.

The idea that - although the two of them are full-fledged adults now - Radovid might still allow Vizimir to infantilize him and make decisions for him, is something that is actually suggested in later scenes.

Ex: Radovid stating that Vizimir is the one that has been trying for years to find him a purpose at court. Vizimir more or less deciding that Radovid is to attend the conclave without consulting with him on it first. The way he goes "let's get you hosed down with a quickness!", expecting him to go get a bath right away!

And, in true narcissistic fashion, Vizimir also has a strong lack of empathy for anything and anyone that does not belong to him, and/or that does not personally affect him.

He's annoyed by being blamed for the murder of that "stupid elven baby", while making it sound like it's something trivial the elves should just have gotten over. He makes it very clear that the one thing that upsets him the most about the failed Thanedd coup is the fact that his people might start doubting him, not the losses of lives that people suffered.

His baby brother - that he supposedly "adores" - goes missing and is presumed possibly dead...

...and there he is! Getting his portrait painted (how's that for symbolism?), joking about corpses showing up to the castle faster than living people, and upset about things not happening the way that he was promised they would!

Sure, he does ask Dijkstra for news of his brother, but only after he's asked him about what he's heard from the front.

And he talks about his little brother being "dead in a ditch somewhere" with a sense of angry entitlement. Basically, as a way of justifying his decision to get rid of Philippa to Dijkstra.

When I watched that scene, I actually couldn't help but wonder if that wasn't one of the reasons he'd sent Radovid with them.

Not that I think he'd ever have planned or intended to let his brother be endangered to the point of him potentially ending up dead, mind you.

But, because I think he's fully aware that his little brother is the kind of annoying little shit that you ask to stay put, briefly turn around, and then by the time you look back he's already gone off to catch lutes and seduce bards Gods know where!

So, I think he's using Radovid to purposefully make things more complicated for them.

I mean, come on! Philippa complaining that Radovid was no longer at the last place she left him (when he suddenly showed up during her meeting with Jaskier), and the idea of a whole fucking group of guards being unable to keep track of where a single prince with a bright red doublet and a heavy fur cloak "suddenly went" is kind of hilarious!

Just picture (or conceptualize, for those of you like me with aphantasia) in your mind, if you will, that large group of guards we later saw dead in the room Radovid was found weeping in by Jaskier, escorting Radovid through those woods...

...and suddenly! Radovid's gone! And none of them are able to figure out in which direction he took off, nor catch up with him!

The fact that they just went back to Aretuza to wait for him without launching a big search party through the night also suggests that this might be a bit of a recurring occurrence.

I can just imagine the scene...

Guards: *Walking, walking, walking...*

Guard #1: *Feeling things have grown awfully silent.* Say, which one of you currently has a direct visual on the prince?

Guard #2 [who's been newly hired]: Ah, why are you all talking like he's no longer with - *turns around, can't see him* Wait. Where did he go?

Guard #1: *Sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose.* Not again... I suppose all of you guys walking behind him didn't see anything?

Guard #3: I swear he was right in front of me a moment ago!

Guard #4: There was this noise right *points to an area in the woods* over there, and I only turned my head FOR A SECOND to try to see where it came from!

Guards #5, #6, #7, #8, #9: Me too!

Guard #10: So, what do we do now?

Guard #1 : We follow the usual protocol.

Guard #2: And what's that?

Guard #1: Go back to the common room, stay put, and cross our fingers he doesn't get himself hit by a carriage, permanently adopted by a new family, or attacked by some wild creature and killed out there. He'll turn up eventually! If it takes too long, we can always try attracting him with his favorite food... Or walk around the area a bit, trying to follow the sound of -

Guard #3: We shan't be doing that again!

Guard #1: Oh, come on! If you'd just knocked, or asked if he was okay and needed anything before barging into the stables' stack room...

Guard #3: I thought he was in danger, alright?! It sounded like he was being strangled or something!

Guard #1 : *Shrugs* By this point, I'm just grateful we don't have to worry about him getting pregnant on top of it...

Guard #3 : And I really could have done without having to explain to King Vizimir why we brought him back home looking so disheveled, dirty, smelly, and with strands of hay sticking out from his hair and the fur of his coat!

Guard #2: Ah, are we still talking about the prince or the King's pet cat?

Guard #11: Yes.

Guard #2: *Looking even more confused.*

Guard #12: Just give it a few months, it'll make sense.

Guard #3: *Still mumbling to himself.* And the smug bastard had the audacity to just strut back into the castle like he owns the place, rub his shoulder against the King's, and head straight for the kitchen...

Guard #2: But what about that secret job Dijkstra gave us?

Guard #1: Well, to kidnap that princess we first needed to find that bard.

Guard #7: *Sighs heavily.* Yeah, and to find that bard, we needed the bard-locating gay prince that Dijkstra was hoping would lead us to them. Trust us, it's hopeless! We're going back and staying put.

So yeah, if Vizimir was operating under the assumption that Nilfgaard had no idea that the Redanian Intelligence planned to purge the Brotherhood of Vilgefortz and his spies, and he believed things would be relatively safe for his little brother at the Conclave Ball, he could very well have sent him there with them as a bit of an "insurance policy".

If things didn't perfectly go according to plan, and Vizimir felt like Radovid had been endangered in any way, then he'd have been able to use it to justify virtually any punishment he'd have wished to impose on his advisers for their incompetence.

It's not even about strategy, but simply about that instinctive need to keep that sense of control and power - of adding and imposing certain conditions, that he can then use to his advantage.

In essence, I fully trust that Vizimir would be smart enough to know that if Dijkstra and Philippa's plan doesn't perfectly work out, and Radovid goes through some "unpleasantness" as a result, he'll be able to use it to his advantage and double down on their incompetence, because complaining about how incompetent others are gives him the illusion that he's the smartest or most skilled person in the room, and from what I've seen on the show, it's one of the things that brings him great joy!

But I don't quite trust that Vizimir had the required level of wit to fully grasp the potential consequences of his actions - i.e. that if things went REALLY went south while Radovid was there, he could have accidentally gotten his little brother killed.

Essentially, I believe that Dijkstra's own reading of his motivations, when he said "No, it's all for show. Vizimir just needs to remind everyone who wears the crown," after he decided to assign Radovid to their team, at the beginning of the season, was pretty spot on.

He's basically just using Radovid to send them the message that "even a drunken idiot like my brother, with absolutely no experience in politics or intelligence work, could do a better job than you two!", and remind them of their place.

(Problem is that Radovid is far from being as idiotic, drunk, and clueless as he appears to be, and I'm pretty sure that Vizimir had no idea!)

To Vizimir, however, his little brother is basically just another tool for him to use.

The only person that Vizimir does seem to treat as an equal / idealize on the show appears to be Queen Hedwig.

I tend to see their relationship a bit as a "Thénardiers situation", where two narcissistic partners, with little to no empathy for people outside of themselves, have such highly compatible overall needs, goals, and ways of viewing themselves in relation to the rest of the world, that they'll form a very tight partnership, and get attached.

But even there, King Vizimir - until he eventually grew impatient - was totally willing to consider marrying Cirilla and having her replace Hedwig as his new Queen.

Then again, I wouldn't put it past Vizimir to be so naive and self-absorbed that he'd think Queen Hedwig would have been content with being relegated to becoming the "Princess Consort" to the King, or something.

Hedwig, however, was apparently perfectly happy with the idea of handing an innocent girl over to the Emperor of Nilfgaard, so she could remain in power.

And surprisingly, clever enough to manage to organize secret meetings with a Nilfgaard envoy right under Dijkstra and Philippa's noses, without either of them suspecting or noticing anything...

... until Radovid said something about it, that is.

It's no wonder that Dijkstra and Philippa chose to eliminate her, because she'd proved to be an actual adversary with the power of swaying King Vizimir's political opinions and decisions, thus threatening to reduce Dijkstra's level of influence over the King.

But Radovid?

He's really seems to just be this adorable little source of narcissistic supply to his brother - with no level of personal agency nor specific role in his world other than making Vizimir feel good about himself - and being a tool that his brother can use to pressure others, and/or prove a point.

Because, the King might have been overjoyed to discover that Radovid was still alive and enthusiastically went to hug him...

...as soon as he caught a glimpse of his own image (the portrait), he immediately stopped paying any attention to his brother and physically stepped away from him.

While the goal of that sidestep might primarily have been to allow the audience a clear view of the portrait; narratively and visually, it shows Vizimir's own ego as creating this "wedge" between the two brothers.

Actually, there's barely any room left for Radovid himself to be in that shot anymore (no, I didn't make the gif narrower here, it's really the way the scene is framed on the show)!

He's quite literally pushed aside and Vizimir himself - with his portrait - almost takes up the whole space!

Then, it's like Vizimir's instincts kick in and he "suddenly remembers" that he's not alone in the room;

and that he's got a "big brother role" to play if he wants Radovid to keep treating him like he's just the greatest in the world!

And even there, he "plays his role" by managing to make it more about him being upset, and what he intends to do to get reparation for the worry that Radovid's disappearance had caused him, rather than showing any interest in learning about whatever Radovid might have gone through, or whatever he might be feeling or needing now, following his ordeal!

"I should never have left you!" (i.e. I'm so important and powerful that only I can truly keep you safe, obviously! Had I been with you, clearly this never would have happened!)

"Don't worry there will be consequences!" (i.e. I'll use the fact that you were endangered as an excuse to punish people, so I can feel all powerful and important, again, while pretending to be doing it for your own sake !)

This scene does a superb job of reminding Radovid of his "rightful place" within the family, and that he should essentially be grateful for any bit of attention that King Vizimir is willing to bestow upon him.

Otherwise he's the spare, the invisible child, the one that doesn't matter and has no particular use other than being this adorably cute little doll that his brother likes to have around, but with no sense of agency or purpose of his own.

And his expression in that scene kills me every single time:

Because I think being around Jaskier is starting to make Radovid realize what real love and genuine concern for those you care about is and looks like...

And this isn't it...

Sure, his brother does not fully belong to himself and his first responsibility, as a king, should be to his people, first and foremost...

So, it's not like he could have expected him to abandon all of his duties and the threat of an ongoing war to personally go lead a search party for him out there!

Radovid can't really expect King Vizimir to fight for him the same way Jaskier and his family are willing to fight and risk everything for each other.

But how about... Oh, I don't know? Coming out of that hug while sparing a moment to really look at him, ask him if he's okay, and if there's anything he needs?

Instead, the scene pretty much goes:

"Yay! You're alive!"

"Wait. Hold on! Don't I look dashing?!"

"Oh! Right! You're still here, and I'm supposed to care about you!"

"A-hem! Here we go: you had me so worried!"

"But don't worry! Thanks to you, I'll finally be able to get rid of Philippa!"

"Ah, crap. She found you?" *Sigh* "Not going to lie, that sort of messes with my plans to have her executed, bro'..."

"No matter! You look absolutely awful and you stink! Let's order you a bath!"

In my humble opinion? That's not a big brother showing any freaking tiny bit of actual love, care, and concern for his little brother...

That's essentially someone that:

is happy that their lost car has finally been found and brought back to them,

accidentally catches their reflection in one of the windows, and takes a moment to admire their new stunning outfit,

is then annoyed to discover that the one they were planning to blame for stealing stealing the car is, in fact, the very person that found it and brought it back home safely;

and now, they want to have it sent to the carwash, because someone took it for a joyride while it went missing, got sweat, dirt, and a bunch of other things all over its seats, and it stinks!

I know that this scene made a lot of people see Vizimir as having basically a single redeeming quality - i.e. genuinely loving his little brother and wanting his happiness.

And I'm not saying that it can't be interpreted that way. That we can't see Vizimir as sorely lacking social skills and being very clumsy in his affections, rather than having full blown NPD, etc.

But, to me, it hit extremely close to home, and was borderline triggering.

Because Radovid could have died out there, according to Vizimir he looks awful and he stinks...

...and yet, his big brother is more interested in getting rid of the smell (what bothers him), and moving on; rather than asking him what happened, why he looks so awful in the first place, why he stinks, and if there's anything he can do to make things better, or offer him support.

He's showing Radovid no actual love nor concern for what he went through. He's just glad to have gotten his favorite "pet" back!

By contrast, when Jaskier had found Radovid weeping alone in a corner, he'd stopped, sat down, asked him what happened, and then offered him some actual help.

Jaskier looks at Radovid while caring about what he's going or has been going through - even after he'd behaved in a way that had disappointed him earlier - while Vizimir utterly lacks the ability to see him, and only cares about how his disappearance had him - Vizimir - worried.

Like Radovid himself said, Vizimir isn't "bad", and I don't believe he would go out of his way to hurt Radovid under normal circumstances (not unless he suddenly started perceiving him as a threat).

Narcissism, after all, is a spectrum, and I don't perceive Vizimir as being a highly malignant nor skillfully manipulative one.

He is actually awfully quick to "forgive" as soon as you flatter his ego, and you suggest a course of action that he thinks will make him look good, or feel influential (he got over Yennefer's "betrayal" within seconds!).

But Vizimir wanting his little brother to be happy, for example, wouldn't be proof of actual "love", nor a proof that he can't have NPD, either. On the contrary!

People seem to believe that individuals with NPD are never interested in doing anything that benefits or pleases others, when some of them can be huge people pleasers, to the point where it can become a problem!

Because, should you fail to be in awe of their generosity and profusely thank them for what they've done for you - should you dare say "no" to one of their grand, generous offers (or say "no" in a way that fails to first take note of that generosity) - you might just risk getting yourself on their shit list!

So yeah, there's absolutely no denying that, ultimately, King Vizimir chose to let his little brother go - he took the decision that most pleased Radovid - but we don't see how the whole argument between them went, and what motivated him to make that decision.

Just that Radovid seemed elated to be allowed to leave (and with good reason!)!

Our brains can therefore take it in a variety of directions.

And mine personally found that scene both "funny" (in a Gilderoy Lockhart exaggerated caricature of someone with NPD kind of way... Especially since paintings and mirrors are often used in stories to symbolise NPD... ), and really painful, borderline triggering to watch.

It hit very close to home, and made me feel like the only reason Vizimir and Radovid had any kind of relationship - at all - was because Radovid had been smart enough to behave in a way that would avoid setting his big brother's insecurities off, and allowed Vizimir to be made to feel as self-important as he needed to be in their relationship.

It made me feel like Radovid had instinctively found a way to remain safe, and stay in King Vizimir's good graces at court, by simply adopting this gentle and seemingly inoffensive baby brother persona, and had never shown any interest in ruling or even simply occupying any space that Vizimir had been unwilling to offer to share with him.

And it gave me the very distinct vibe that, to King Vizimir, Radovid simply is not his own person.

He's basically just this cute little "pet brother", that he can dote upon to his heart's content, thus making himself feel good about how great a big brother he is!

It made me genuinely feel like Vizimir absolutely does not love nor see him; he simply loves how Radovid makes him feel, and the positive image that Radovid keeps reflecting back to him.

And I think that, within that context, Radovid did the smartest thing he ever could have done by asking King Vizimir to let him go the way he did. Because he made it sound like Vizimir had done everything he could to try to find him a place that would make him happy at court, and was being very non-confrontational about it.

Radovid made it sound like the "problem" came from him, not from his brother nor his environment, and made sure to express some form of gratitude towards his brother at the same time as making his request to leave.

He sort of went: "Despite your best efforts, I pretty much suck at everything here and won't be of any help to anyone. But, I've found something out there that I feel might suit me and would like to give it a try. Will you please let me?"

What I find interesting, too, is that, in the next scene, we see Radovid asking his manservant to go sell some of his valuables to get the coins he'll need for his journey.

This either suggests that Radovid has always been using whatever money his brother gave him to buy stuff for himself with it right away, thus putting no money aside for emergencies...

...or that the "annuity" Prince Radovid has been receiving from his big brother has actually always been offered to him in the form of luxuries, rather than actual money (that would have provided Radovid with a greater sense of financial/personal autonomy from his brother).

This also suggests that, while Radovid was successful in convincing his brother to let him leave, Vizimir didn't exactly go out of his way to offer to help him on his travels, either.

So, I tend to imagine that the conversation between them having ended with something like "Fine! But know that if you're determined to do this, you'll be on your own! I can't afford to spare any resources to help you go chasing after love in the middle of a war!" or something like that, with Vizimir fully expecting that his little brother would come running back to him, tail between his legs, as soon as he'd be forced to face the world on his own out there.

And the other aspect that makes me highly suspect that, deep down, their whole relationship wasn't based on genuine unconditional love and trust, but on some kind of unspoken narcissistic agreement, is that Radovid truly was concerned that his big brother might believe Dijkstra's lies over his own word and have him executed for treason, to the point where he kept the truth behind Queen Hedwig's murder to himself.

So, King Vizimir and Prince Radovid both appear to be wearing masks and playing roles with each other, to either receive narcissistic supply (Vizimir), and/or have the King's "love", "approval", and "protection" (Radovid).

And Dijkstra's threats to Radovid were so effective, I think, because it made Radovid doubt not only in:

a) his own ability to keep his big brother's love and approval in the face of Dijkstra's lies, but also

b) his brother's own ability to keep him safe at court from Dijkstra and Philippa...

After all, if Dijkstra and Philippa were confident enough to commit regicide and openly tell the Crown Prince about it - while 100% believing that they would be able to get away with it should Radovid rat them out (i.e. that Vizimir would side with them over his own "baby brother") - well...

... let's say that Radovid better find a way to keep everyone happy with him, and get himself out of that difficult situation!

Up until that "head in a box" moment, I think Radovid could afford to be a little shit and condescending towards Philippa and Dijkstra because, as "King Vizimir's favorite pet", he thought of himself as being untouchable.

But he's not. As the text accompanying his casting card said, to him, "It's all games until someone gets hurt."

And the interesting thing is that Radovid's contempt towards the two spymasters, until then, seemed to be related to their methods, that he appeared to highly disapprove of, and even find ridiculous (" Yes, Dijkstra. Use me. Shall I, uh... chat with kitchen hands? Uh, watch for shady carriages rolling up? Shadow my brother's wife? You seem nowhere close to finding this powerful Princess Cirilla.").

He also clearly tells them:

"And I'm wondering if perhaps our methods of obtaining the girl would be more easily achieved with a carrot than a stick."

And, to me, that was one of the most important lines that Radovid has spoken on the show - to people that aren't Jaskier - that reveal who he truly is, deep down, and hopefully the kind of leader that we could expect him to become.

Because I think that, despite being the product of a highly manipulative and narcissistic environment, and having been conditioned to see all that "purple grass" as being "normal", somewhere along the way, Radovid has managed to develop the belief that power is more effectively gained by building alliances, and offering people something they want or they need in exchange for their help/services, rather than constantly resorting to threats and deep political intrigues.

At his core, Radovid is not at all dominating, controlling, nor seeking to take advantage of people...

His instincts appear to be geared towards negotiation, collaboration, and seeking solutions that will benefit everyone involved as much as possible.

There's also the fact that, when asked what was going on through Radovid's head when he's crowned king in the aftermath of Vizimir's murder, Hugh Skinner answered: "I think it's absolute disbelief. He's been so sort of directionless and trying to stay under the radar in this world full of death. And then he finally meets the love of his life, and then he's sucked right back in. I think he's absolutely terrified and totally gutted."

There really is this sense that the loss of his brother isn't as traumatic to him as the fact that he's now unable to leave that highly toxic, loveless, and manipulative environment behind.

Another thing that feels like a bit of a red flag, in terms of Radovid being the victim of narcissistic abuse, is how much effort he instinctively keeps putting into trying to make Jaskier feel good about himself, and/or the way he's seen attempting to fix everyone's problems on his own (rather than asking for help).

I mean, he did say "I'm scared, Jaskier".

And again, I'm not blaming Jaskier for his response, because that's usually what people are seeking from him: reassurance and acceptance.

"Just saying that, makes you braver than you know," is not a bad response at all! That's actually typically what people expect or want from Jaskier.

Because, if you want to offer someone courage, and let them know you don't think any lesser of them for being human and having fears, that answer is absolutely excellent!

But, if I'm remotely right about Radovid, then openly asking for help would be extremely hard for him.

Because when your concerns, worries, fears, etc. have systematically been treated as a nuisance, and/or the people that have claimed to love you have been systematically threatening to withdraw their love and approval if you brought them more trouble than satisfaction throughout your whole life, then you learn to avoid complaining about what bothers you, and you instinctively try to solve your problems (and sadly, often other people's problems) on your own.

And it can be extremely hard to trust that the person you are growing attached to will still like you if you are in a situation where you need their help, unless they are the ones to openly offer to help you.

So, when Jaskier didn't ask Radovid why he was scared, nor showed any open interest in helping him handle what scared him, Radovid immediately went back to offering Jaskier a positive reflection of himself - letting Jaskier know that what makes him so special is how he sees the best in others.

Radovid went right for what usually allows him to get any bit of love, approval and comfort from the people that are closest to him in his life - i.e. focusing on the other person's needs, and letting them know how great they are - while keeping the source of his own troubles to himself.

He's still being genuine with Jaskier - as I believe that the positive image Radovid is offering him is an entirely sincere one - but Radovid's instinct is to push his own needs aside, and attempt to earn Jaskier's love and approval by positively feeding Jaskier's ego.

Then, there's also the way that he seemingly internalized Jaskier's disappointment in him to such levels that he felt the need to tell Jaskier that he "shouldn't have to stay and listen to him" (when Radovid had simply been answering Jaskier's own questions until then, not asking for his attention), while sounding like he genuinely believed it.

Or the very sincere and heartbreaking confusion on his face when Jaskier expressed concern over Radovid's safety, and offered him an escape route (sending him to friends that he trusted would help him reach Tretogor safely).

Because normally, in the world Radovid has been living in, the mistake he'd made, and the way he'd failed to earn and effectively maintain Jaskier's approval of him, should normally have been sufficiant for Jaskier to completely stop loving him, totally wash his hands clean of him, and let him be captured and killed!

In a "purple grass universe", love is something conditional that must be constantly earned, rather than something that naturally occurs between two people that emotionally connect and choose to look after each other's needs and well-being.

You want your heart broken into a thousand little pieces?

Re-watch the scene where Radovid takes that piece of paper from Jaskier while answering "I don't get it."

And consider that, perhaps, he genuinely doesn't. That it might be the very first time, in Radovid's life, that he is experiencing what it's like to have someone genuinely care about him, acknowledge him as simply being human, and act like he still deserves help and understanding regardless of his flaws and mistakes.

Servants and guards are duty bound to tend to his needs and see to his safety...

Vizimir treats him as a pet, and only cares about Radovid making him feel good about himself...

Courtesans are more or less usually looking to increase their own social status, and access luxurious court entertainment, by associating with him...

And then, there's Jaskier...

Jaskier, that notices he's only pretending to be a drunken idiot to keep himself safe, so the vipers in the nest he's living in will pay him no mind...

Jaskier, that is willing to take the risk of being emotionally raw and vulnerable ("Extraordinary Things") with him, in the hopes that Radovid will know it's safe for him to be honest and authentically himself with Jaskier as well...

Jaskier, that sees him cornered and weeping in a room full of dead guards, knows he is at risk of being found and captured if he remains there without any protection, and spontaneously offers to share his own resources to hopefully help him reach safety...

Jaskier, who clearly states that his plan (to allow Radovid to walk out of his life) has changed, refuses to go with him only because he needs to find his family first, and seems distraught at the thought of Radovid coming with him instead, because he doesn't want to put him in harm's way...

Jaskier, that fears for him, cares for what happens to him, and worries about him, regardless of Radovid having disappointed him earlier that day...

Jaskier, that chooses to help Radovid and take responsibility for him out of love, and because of his ability and desire to connect with what Radovid is going through - to understand him...

He's not duty bound to serve him or look after his needs, he's not after increasing his social status, he's just able to connect with him as a person.

And so, when Hugh says that Radovid makes this connection with Jaskier that he's never made before, I don't think this even is about romance... I think it's literally about experiencing for the first time in his life what genuine love - of any kind - directed at himself, feels like.

Radovid is portrayed, on the show, as someone that has the capacity to love unconditionally and accept others as they are as well, but has never been allowed to fully realize the implication that, technically, he deserves to be loved unconditionally and accepted despite his own fears, flaws, issues, and mistakes, too.

And that's why the way that Jaskier spoke to him in that cabin, when he found Radovid looking for Ciri, hurt me so much...

His whole life, I believe that Radovid has been forced to suppress his own identity to be safe at court and "loved" by his brother (and perhaps his parents before him).

I don't think he's ever been loved and appreciated simply for who he is, nor been free to fully figure out - and especially openly express - who he is!

Jaskier had every right to be disappointed and criticize Radovid's actions and behavior, this is true.

But, instead of keeping the focus on what Radovid did wrong (i.e. something that can be corrected, changed and improved), Jaskier lashed out and attacked the core of who Radovid is...

And he did so, shortly after Radovid had expressed to Jaskier that he believes he has able to see people for who they truly are, not what they pretend to be, and to see the best in them.

It hurt - deeply - because Jaskier is apparently the very first person that Radovid has been able to make an honest connection with (according to Hugh, at least). The first person that he's trusted enough to allow himself to be vulnerable and sincere with.

And all it took was one mistake on his part for Jaskier to immediately be so disappointed in him that he withdrew all the love and approval he felt for Radovid (what victims of narcissistic abuse are conditioned to systematically fear, and believe will happen to them if they make a mistake they can't effectively justify), and tell him that he's nothing but a lie at his core - empty.

Behind the masks that Radovid has learned to wear to keep himself safe at court, Jaskier is now unable to see anything worth loving, caring for, or continuing to connect with anymore.

Radovid doesn't exist. He's no one. He's nothing­.

And, for Radovid, I think that Jaskier's response- withdrawing any love or approval as soon as he fails to meet his expectations - is normal.

Because he's spent his whole life being taught that the moment others became disappointed in him, or he became more trouble than he's worth, they'd be totally entitled to stop caring about him. And he'd only have himself to blame.

Radovid didn't even look or sound alarmed at the thought of being abandoned by Jaskier - to be captured and found - in that little corner of that room by that point, because it's all normal.

Jaskier is fully entitled to abandon him to die, should he wish to.

That, Radovid perfectly understands.

But then, Jaskier does something unexpected. He seems to realize that he let his own issues and fears get in the way earlier, that Radovid had been telling him the truth (perhaps not the whole truth, but he'd been honest about the risks he'd taken by ditching his whole security detail to keep him and Ciri safe, at the very least...), and shows Radovid that you don't stop caring about people just because they made a mistake that disappointed you.

Despite what Jaskier said earlier, the love and connection between them is still there - just shaken - and Jaskier still sees something in Radovid that feels precious enough to be worth saving and protecting.

He can't and won't abandon his family for Radovid (something that's entirely reasonable), but he's not abandoning him, either. He's fully willing to share some of his own Sandpiper resources with him in an effort to get him to safety.

And, when Radovid offers to go with Jaskier instead, Jaskier's main concern is to make Radovid understand that he's planning to basically rush headfirst into something very dangerous that could very possibly get him killed.

Again, he's worried about Radovid's own well-being and safety, first and foremost.

I think that's why I don't perceive Radovid's desire to go with Jaskier as some grand excessive foolish romantic gesture, but more as Radovid finally choosing to embrace who he truly is - give himself a chance to fully figure it out -over what other people want or expect from him.

Radovid, by this point, has literally nothing left to lose, but everything to gain - himself, most of all - by leaving his brother and his old life at court behind.

Radovid was literally making a choice that was worth dying for. The kind of emotional well-being and safety that a relationship with Jaskier offers him is 100% worth following him on some suicide mission.

Especially given that Jaskier himself doesn't exist all alone in a vacuum. He has a family, friends, social connections so precious to him that he's willing to risk everything to preserve them.

If Radovid is to begin making a life for himself, he might as well start there - do everything he can to help Jaskier be safely reunited with his loved ones, and explore the possibility of developing his own relationship with the members of Jaskier's family - integrate their group rather than attempting to have Jaskier all to himself.

And the funny thing is that Jaskier's family is filled with people that Radovid might have an easier time relating to than most.

Jaskier himself was born into nobility, and eventually chose to drop his title (and often his birth name) to pursue his own path and do what he feels like "he was put on this Continent to do", instead of what was expected of him as Viscount.

Cirilla is literally the Crown Princess to the Cintran throne.

Yennefer was once mage adviser to the King of Aedirn.

And then, there's the family goat... That's just as stubborn, principled, and grumpy as Dijkstra; but, as opposed to Dijsktra, Geralt greatly values, prioritizes, and respects the lives of all living beings over the prosperity of a single nation.

And, given Radovid's favorite song is (or likely was, before "Extraordinary Things") "Song of the Seven", I'm guessing that Radovid's own worldviews likely aren't purely human centric, either, and he might find Geralt's perspective on the world highly refreshing.

Actually, considering Radovid's own disdain for Dijkstra's and Philippa's political schemes and the games they enjoy playing, I could easily imagine them sharing a drink, while openly mocking and complaining about all that political pompous nonsense, fully agreeing that humans can really suck.

So, Jaskier's own family, oddly enough, would actually have been one of the easiest families for Radovid to be able to successfully integrate, and the most likely group of people to be able to appreciate Radovid for who he is as a person, first and foremost, rather than for the inherent political power he represents.

And it makes his forced coronation all the more heartbreaking and tragic.

Because until he met Jaskier, he could pretend that purple grass world was normal and go through the motions of his emotionally empty life...

But now he knows there's a whole world out there with green grass that "suits him" and that can offer him the type of emotional connections he actually needs...

And now his path to that world filled with warmth, love, and possibilities has been significantly blocked to him and he's stuck in a world that he finally knows he was right to fear.

Someone please just fucking get him out of there.

Another thing I find interesting, in relation to Radovid's behavior, is that victims of narcissistic abuse, that grew up in a narcissistic household, will also often struggle with boundaries - be it setting bounderies with others or identifying other people's boundaries - and when we accidentally cross them, we may experience a lot of shame and guilt, disproportionately so.

Which is another reasons why having Radovid sort of make Jaskier's problems his own, and having him go see Ciri without explaining his plan to "fix things" for everyone first, makes a lot of sense to me, too.

He single handedly decided that "it would make things easier for us" if Ciri came to live to Redania, because I genuinely think that he came to the conclusion that it would fix things for the most people involved, not out of any desire to trick Jaskier or go behind his back.

- He'd be out of Dijkstra's thumb and his brother might stop insisting that he keeps "playing spymaster" to annoy Dijkstra and Philippa.

- Ciri would have access to the support and protection of the most powerful army in the North.

- Jaskier and his family would be safe.

- A war with Nilfgaard would likely be averted, since it would create a powerful slliance between the North, Cintra, and all the nations having sworn fealty to Cintra... And, since Ciri is Elder Blood, Nilfgaard might also lose the support of the Scoia'tael.

- Ciri likely would refuse to come to Redania if Geralt and Yennefer aren't allowed to follow, perhaps bringing with them some much needed change to Redania.

- As narcissistic as King Vizimir is, as long as you present things to him in such a way that he can take credit for it, and it will make his people love him, he'll be on board with pretty much anything!

- And yes, obviously, if Jaskier's family "move in" and Jaskier himself chooses to "stick around", they'll be part of the same group, and free to be fully honest with each other.

I obviously can't say for sure what Radovid's whole reasoning behind going to see Ciri was, but I'm pretty sure that when he said that it would make things easier for "us" he pretty much meant it as in Jaskier, his whole, family, even the whole freaking Continent, and not just himself.

We are basically trained from birth to constantly "read into people's minds" (then made to feel inadequate whenever we misread them) when it comes to their wants, needs, and intents, because narcissists will keep their demands vague to escape responsibility, and it's our job to figure out what they want.

We thus learn to constantly anticipate other people's needs, and find solutions before they even ask for our help, in order to feel safe.

So Radovid just taking initiative like that and trying to make things easier makes tons of sense.

And that's also where the similarities and differences between Jaskier's empathy and Radovid's empathy are so fascinating to me.

Like Radovid said, Jaskier sees people for who they really are, not who they pretend to be. And Jaskier will tend to treat them in accordance to how he sees them, rather than the way they act - often at his own expanse (sadly), when that person isn't ready to show the sides of themselves that Jaskier sees in them.

Geralt never "changed" over the course of 3 seasons. Who he is, in season 3, is simply starting to finally resemble the person that Jaskier has always been able to see buried beneath all of Geralt's own fears and abandonment issues.

I believe that Jaskier saw the way Geralt kept self-sabotaging his relationships, and trying to cut himself off from his own emotions, sensitivity, and visceral need to connect; and he stubbornly refused to let him destroy and isolate himself.

That sort of "no matter how hard you try to push me away and prove to me that you're the monster you claim to be, I'm not going to do the same thing your mother and the rest of the world did, and abandon you. Because I see you, and I know you're wrong about being unlovable."

Geralt basically spent 20 years regularly "acting out" with Jaskier; testing his limits as well as the strength of his affections...

...until he went way too far with what he told him on the mountain and, I think Jaskier realised then that you simply can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved, no matter how much you love them, and no matter how much you empathize with them.

And, while Jaskier "saw" Geralt, he couldn't be everything that Geralt needed, back then, in order to allow himself to heal and start trusting that those familial bonds could truly be real and enduring.

I mean, Geralt and Yennefer are two people that did attempt connecting with others in the past - only to be seen as outcasts and monsters by society - that eventually reached the point of losing faith in people's ability to put other people's needs before their own, and ever see in them something genuinely worth loving.

Whereas Jaskier was this 20 year-old innocent, wide eyed, overeager puppy that imprinted on Geralt the moment he laid eyes on him, and decided he loved him and would follow him to the end of the Continent!

I'm not saying that Jaskier's love isn't valuable to Geralt, far from it!

But I could imagine how Geralt would be unable to trust that Jaskier would be able to love him as he truly was, and not an idealized version of himself that only existed in Jaskier's own mind.

I can understand how hard it would have been, for Geralt, to feel worthy of that level of devotion and affection, when he can't see what Jaskier sees in himself whenever he looks at his own reflection, and when he's utterly lost sight of those parts of himself.

And Jaskier treating Geralt according to how he saw in him rather than how Geralt pretended to be, while continuously forgiving or dismissing the sometimes awful way Geralt treated him, only increased Geralt's insecurities, I think.

Geralt locked away parts of himself so deep that he managed to make himself believe they didn't exist anymore; that his "true self" was that emotionally detached "Butcher" that needed no one (except Roach), and that the last thing he wanted or needed was someone wanting and needing him.

And yet, here they were...

Because all Jaskier could see in Geralt, despite the Witcher's best efforts to hide it, was a loyal protector that feels, loves, hurts, and connects with others deeply.

Someone that judges people not according to their nature nor physical appearance, but according their intentions, their potential for healing and for change, all the while being keenly aware of any outside and inner forces and influences at play.

If a werewolf only becomes murderous and dangerous to others because he can't control his actions while in wolf form, he'll find him a medallion that prevents him from turning into the wolf to keep others safe, rather than assassinate him.

Geralt has a deep respect for life and for all living creatures, and he deeply struggles in a world where people are willing to carelessly sacrifice lives for power, or out of blind senseless fear.

He is a deeply sensitive and beautiful soul.

Jaskier saw it. He saw him, loved him, and basically kept trying to remind Geralt that he was beautiful and worth loving; but sadly he wasn't ready to see and embrace it. He wasn't ready to see and love himself, nor believe that he could inspire such feelings in others.

Essentially, to Geralt, it's entirely possible that he feared Jaskier would eventually leave and abandon him the moment he realised that the person he loved didn't exist, and that he couldn't love the monster that Geralt believed he'd become over the years.

And Yennefer chose to abandon Geralt the very moment she learned that he had chosen to tie his fate to hers in order to save her from the Djinn, too.

Yes, Yennefer was grappling with her own insecurities, abandonment issues, and her own beliefs that she was "unlovable". She feared that Geralt's affections for her were just the fabrication of some Djinn's magic, not something she could genuinely inspire in the heart of another being.

She feared no one could ever love her for herself and for real.

But it still sent the message to Geralt that - once again - the decisions and choices he made, with the best intent in mind, were so terrible and awful that people would rather desert him than stay with him to try to figure things out together.

He tried doing the right thing, and still ended up hurting those he loved.

And, despite all evidence to the contrary, in Geralt's mind, I can imagine that it might just have been a matter of time before Jaskier would have realised that Geralt is basically cursed to continuously make things worst by trying to make things right, and hurt or kill those he loves the most as a result.

He might have instinctively felt like the best thing he could do was push Jaskier away before Jaskier finally abandoned him, too; or worse he winded up getting him killed.

Anyway, going off a tangent here, but my point is that Jaskier tends to see and love people for who they are at their core, rather than who they pretend to be...

...except when he's afraid of being wrong, and that accidentally seeing someone as better than they actually are might make someone he already deeply loves and feels protective of suffer.

Ex: He couldn't see Yennefer properly at first, because he saw her as someone that was highly manipulative, selfish, and predatory, that could take advantage of and hurt Geralt.

And he hesitated to fully trust what he saw in Radovid, too, because he was afraid that Radovid could be a knife that could harm Geralt or Ciri (and was struggling with his own trust and abandonment issues in relationships as well).

Whereas Radovid appears to very quickly have the ability to figure out what people most want and need, the motivations behind their actions, their vulnerabilities, and the lies they tell themselves.

As mentioned earlier, I think Radovid's biggest mistake, with Philippa and Dijkstra, came from his belief that he was safe from them given his position as Vizimir's "favorite pet", and Radovid's general disdain for how they tend to use their own intelligence to play senseless "games" with other people, in situations that could be handled much more easily, directly and effectively by offering them something in return.

Radovid's disadvantage towards them, I think, also came from him having always attempted to distance himself from politics and court intrigues, and therefore having a poor sense of how far some "players" are willing to go.

Philippa and Dijkstra are expert manipulators that revel in that sense of power and control, and will find sadistic pleasure in catching an opponent off guard.

Radovid strikes me as a potentially expert counter-manupulator, that could give them a run for their money and oppose them if (and this is important) he is given access to the right tools and resources to do so.

He's someone that could clearly see what they are doing, why they are doing it, use their own motivations and vulnerabilities against them, and flip the tables on them when they least expect it.

This is often why manipulators tend to be highly drawn to those with very high levels of emotional intelligence and empathy.

Their intelligence type - the way they think and analyze people's behaviors and are able to guess their motives - are extremely alike.

But whereas one (the sociopath) thinks: how can I take advantage of others for my own benefit, so I can stay in control and remain on top?

The other (the empath) thinks: how can I find the right balance between their needs and mine, so we can all grow stronger together, and build community?

One seeks to take power for themselves.

The other seeks to share power and empower others.

And whereas one feels energized and delights in their ability to skillfully "play games" with others (and will continuously seek challenges and conflicts so they can continue to prove their own intellectual superiority and dominate situations).

The other will only "play those games" and go head to head with manipulators out of necessity (generally, to keep themselves or others safe from those that are trying to take advantage of them), would rather avoid conflict, and will find it generally unpleasant and energy consuming to engage in these types of strategic plays.

People like Radovid represent a juicy and often irresistible challenge to manipulators with more antisocial traits.

They are a bit of an oddity, you see...

Because expert manipulators, like Dijkstra and Philippa, are often utterly unable to fully trust anyone but themselves, and they essentially believe that everyone is like them - that they would all take advantage of others if they could, and the only reason they shy away from power is because they aren't intelligent or cunning enough to outsmart those like them at the top, and take control.

They will attempt to morally justify their own actions with a "dog eats dog" mindset, convinced that if they hadn't gotten to you first, then you'd inevitably have attempted to get to them.

And someone like Radovid - that finds honesty and authenticity deeply beguiling, doesn't appear to be driven by a desire to take advantage of people nor seek power for himself, and would rather use his talents to empower and help others, rather than dominate them - challenges those beliefs.

So, manipulators will often try to put them in situations where they are cornered into using their own abilities to influence/manipulate "the game" - to perversely "help them" fully realise, and accept, that they are fellow wolves in sheep clothing, just like them.

There's this very weird, toxic, and highly dysfunctional sense of kinship and respect that might even develop in certain cases.

It's actually a concept that has often been turned into a trope, and romanticised in fictional stories.

i.e. The sociopath that becomes deeply attached to the highly emotionally intelligent and empathetic "hero", that is able to understand the way the sociopath thinks, and anticipate their moves, yet stubbornly remains "good", regardless of their best efforts to corrupt them and have them accept that, deep down, they're just like them.

So, Philippa's sudden interest in Radovid and her reflection that he is "good" at this game, to me showed that sort of natural sense of attraction that occurs between sociopath / empath.

She sees something of herself in Radovid that fascinates her and that she's curious to explore - see if she can push him to embrace those gifts they both share...

But, unlike Philippa, Radovid is not someone that derives any joy in taking advantage of others for his own gain.

He may not see or know people the way Jaskier appears to be able to see them, but he's very good at listening and figuring out what makes them "tick", and what to do or say to convince and influence them.

And, like I've just explained, those are abilities that you can either use to manipulate, dominate and stay in control (be a knife that cuts through them)...

...or to share power, find the balance between different people or groups of people's needs, empower them, and help them heal (be a spoon that feeds them).

And Radovid displays those skills in a variety of ways on the show.

For example, it was pretty clear Philippa was going nowhere with Jaskier, because she doesn't understand him - at all.

If she'd listened to his songs, she'd have known that Jaskier is a fiercely loyal friend, that has faced countless life threatening situations and dangers by Geralt's side, and would probably be willing to endure horrible pain and die rather than betray those he loves.

Fortunately, however, they have the most powerful army in the North, and Ciri and her family so happen to be in need of protection.

So, if Ciri allies with Redania, then Cintra and all the nations still loyal to Cintra will join forces with Redania. They'll have a big enough army to keep the Scoiat'ael, Nilfgaard, and pretty much whatever and whoever is going to try coming after her, Geralt, and Yennefer at bay.

And okay, maybe he might have gotten carried away for a moment there, when already suggesting to Jaskier that they get married he becomes their royal bard, but he's not wrong!

Despite Redania not being perfect it's still, technically, their "least bad option".

When he asks Jaskier to sing him a song, he also asks him to pick his favorite - thus showing interest in listening to Jaskier sing about what pleases him, rather than the song that Radovid himself would have enjoyed most (Song of the Seven)...

... AND he mentions that his guests would love a song about his "white-haired Witcher" - again, showing a care and awareness of other people's needs.

But the way he says that Geralt is Jaskier's is also something I find extremely significant.

It may seem a small detail, but telling someone "I'm perfectly comfortable listening to you passionately singing the praises of a close companion you deeply love" is a pretty strong way for Radovid to show compersion, and let Jaskier know that the idea of him being on the ambiamorous and/or polyamorous side (note: I consider that the term "amory" refers to different forms of committed companionships, not just romantic ones) does not bother him.

With a simple single request, Radovid is able to convey that he wants to listen to Jaskier tell him about what pleases him; that he's someone with the ability to take other people's needs into consideration rather than making demands that will solely benefit himself, and that there's no need for Jaskier to pretend that the love he feels for the significant people in his life means less to him than it does when he's with him.

And yes, I really do like to headcanon that the first verse of "Extraordinary Things" was improvised on the spot by Jaskier.

Because, as an ambiamorous person myself, the day I discovered that my romantic interest not only accepted, but strongly supported, my closest and most intimate friendships without any hint of jealousy or feeling remotely threatened by the idea that my heart could love multitudes, I fell even deeper in love with him.

I believe that this is when I started perceiving him as my primary partner, rather than an "interest"; and that this unconditional acceptance I experienced from him is what naturally lead him to eventually become my monoamorous romantic life companion (though many of my friendships have remained fairly queerplatonic).

That sense of complete and utter freedom to be myself, and to love the way that I love - rather than the way others would want me to love based on any social rules and conventions - triggered some very deep and visceral sense of attachment and connection towards him.

Especially since, back then, I didn't have all those terms and labels to describe how I felt, and help me conceptualize and even fully understand it.

Until then, I had been used to my boyfriends or girlfriends expecting me to adopt certain specific "romantic behaviors" towards them, and "friendship behaviors" towards others.

I'd been taught that, apparently, snuggling up to your best friend to watch a movie, while allowing him to play with your hair, should be reserved to romantic partners, especially if you're a woman and said friend is a man.

I'd been taught that your "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" should apparently be "entitled" to feel jealous, or even disrespected, if they catch you doing such a thing, and it's unnatural to want to express platonic emotional love and intimacy through physically sensual behaviors.

But why?!

How is my snuggling up to my best friend preventing me from doing the same with my boyfriend or girlfriend later on to express romantic attraction instead? And/or why should it hinder my ability to fully commit to my romantic relationship with him?

Frédérick is thus pretty much the first partner (a cisgender heterosexual man, no less!) that didn't enter the relationship with any expectations, and allowed us to define our romance and set our own boundaries according to our respective needs and wants, rather than how we "should" behave with each other and with our friends as "boyfriend and girlfriend" according to society's conventions.

He trusted me, was deeply curious about me, excited to discover where the relationship would take us, and he couldn't see why my being emotionally, sensually, and even sexually close to any other friend that I had platonic feelings for should take anything away from the romantic relationship and companionship that we were sharing and slowly building and defining together.

And I swear, if I'd had a lute between my hands, and the ability to spontaneously improvise songs like Jaskier can back then, I'm pretty sure that what would have come out of my mouth would have been something akin to "Extraordinary Things".

Because such an approach to a relationship - that feeling that the other person is attempting to get to know you, figure you out, and simply attempting connect with who you are rather than come at you with a list of everything they think you should be to meet their needs - makes you feel safe, wanted, accepted, and like you are finally enough.

With him, I have enough. And with him I am enough.

And we know Jaskier's able to do it! If he came up with "Toss A Coin To Your Witcher" on the spot, you bet that he can improvise the first verse and chorus on "Extraordinary Things", just because Radovid keeps looking at him like Jaskier is absolutely fascinating, and wonderful, and he's drinking up every single word coming out of his mouth while he sings!

So yeah, my headcanon is that the first part of "Extraordinary Things" was 100% improvised by Jaskier when he finally realised that Radovid's attention and interest in him and the content of his songs was entirely genuine, rather than him pretending to like his music so that Jaskier would be tempted to let his guards down around him.

That when he saw how eager Radovid was to listen to Jaskier sing about what pleases and inspires him, Jaskier's mask totally fell off, and the words and melody just spontaneously poured out of him!

And I like to headcanon that the second part of the song might have been written after the Thanedd coup.

"Drop the sweet disguise,

Your heart's beating too loud,

The fairytales and little lies can't drown out all the sound,

So take this heart and break this heart for extraordinary things... "

Because it acknowledges that Radovid seemingly going behind Jaskier's back broke his heart, and that he was hurt by him having hidden his full intentions from him the night before...

While stating that those mistakes ("the fairytales and little lies") aren't enough to make him lose sight of the love that is there, and all the extraordinary things that they could gain by being (enough) together.

There's a sense of forgiveness, hope, and understanding in that second part of the song that makes you feel like Jaskier already knows Radovid is way more than a mask, and that the connection between them has indeed been tested, but was not broken.

That he doesn't perceive what Radovid did as a betrayal, but as "fairytales and little lies", something Radovid has learned as a result of having grown up a "fairytale prince" in a dangerous "purple grass kingdom" where being truthful and fully lowering your mask can get you killed.

It's something he's learned, not who he is. And to show who he is, he needs to feel safe and be allowed some room to stumble, fall, and learn.

When it comes to Radovid displaying his empathetic skills on the show, I also headcanon that one of the reasons why Jaskier had been hesitating to sing, until then, and saying he wasn't in the mood, was because Radovid had been pretending to be drunk and to have no idea what he was talking about as he'd been sharing intel with him. 

Jaskier came to him with a genuine request for help, not to play games. 

But, in Radovid's "purple grass world", playing games is the default way of communicating. That's all Radovid has ever known.

And, unlike Jaskier, he has no personal stakes in the situation other than Jaskier himself. 

It's not Ciri that fascinates him and that he'd like to grow closer to... 

It's Jaskier himself.

So, while he is wearing his mask and lying about having no idea who Codringher and Fenn are, I believe that he was genuinely more interested in getting to know Jaskier during that scene, than talking strategy (he was also aware that his brother intended to hand Ciri over to Nilfgaard by that point... So, it's entirely possible that Radovid's sudden lack of interest in discussing plans that would get Ciri closer to coming to Redania had to do with him knowing Jaskier was better off not trusting his brother to keep her safe for the time being)!

And while listening to "Extraordinary Things", I think Radovid realises that Jaskier is taking a significant risk by being so open, honest, and vulnerable with him. That his request for help is genuine, because he can feel that Radovid cares about him, and that he might be in a unique position to help him.

And Radovid truly paid attention to his song. He takes the time to express to Jaskier that he finds them irresistible, because he sees people for who they are, not what they pretend to be... He manifests a strong desire to continue to get to know him - sending Jaskier the message that he's worth putting in time and efforts to learn to understand him...

In the meantime, he agrees to do what he can to help him find out more about Rience, expressing a willingness to be someone that Jaskier can rely on for help.

And he is seen hesitating briefly, before asking Jaskier "Does the Witcher know how lucky he is to have you?", having seemingly correctly guessed - from listening to him singing about "being enough" (and probably having heard "Burn Butcher Burn") - that Geralt hasn't always been appreciative of him, and Jaskier still carried some of those scars. 

And the dazzling smile he got in return pretty much told Radovid all he had to know - that he'd been right, and it was exactly what Jaskier had needed to hear.

Radovid doesn't use Jaskier's vulnerabilities against him, he offers support and validation to help him heal and grow more confident in his own worth.

He then then attempted to use Dijkstra's own influence over his brother to prevent him from handing over Ciri to Nilfgaard the moment she joined with them (while tragically miscalculating how far they'd be willing to go)...

Because Dijkstra is actually the only person that Vizimir listens to, besides Queen Hedwig.

Dijkstra and Vizimir have a very symbiotic relationship, and no matter how much Dijkstra likes to pretend that he and Philippa are a team, he's utterly unwilling to share power with her when it comes to King Vizimir. 

Vizimir doesn't feel threatened by Dijkstra, because Dijkstra presents most of his ideas while being very careful to make it sound like they are Vizimir's, and gives the King the illusion of being a great and brilliant strategist. 

While Dijkstra's level of control and influence over Vizimir gives Dijkstra the illusion of being king, and therefore the true power behind Redania's throne.

Philippa did the right thing for herself by not involving Dijkstra in her strategy, I believe, because Dijkstra has kept proving, in the season - over and over again - that he's not listening to her, nor is he willing to consider doing things in a way that doesn't force her to always rely on him for influence.

Dijkstra would prefer to fucking die while he's still on top - let Philippa kill him - than ever consider the possibility of getting rid of the threat to Philippa's life (a.k.a. King Vizimir), knowing full well that if he (Dijkstra) dies, Vizimir won't "magically" start trusting her and listening to her once he's gone!

She's got no direct relationship with Vizimir.  She's - not unlike Radovid - Dijkstra's freaking "pet owl", rather than an equal with her own agency as the king's adviser.

King Vizimir has his "pet brother" (with no agency of his own at court. He doesn't even have his own money, apparently!).

Dijkstra has his "pet owl" (that has no direct working relationship with King Vizimir of her own).

And Dijkstra's mistake, I think, was believing she'd be content with forever remaining his sidekick, and exerting an indirect influence on the King through him, rather than directly sharing and seeking power. 

She keeps hinting to Dijsktra that she's unhappy with the way things are, and asking him to show interest in Radovid - as a favor to her - all season.

I think King Vizimir's decision to have her take the fall for what happened at Thanned was the very last straw that may have forced her hand; but it seemed pretty clear that, as long as Vizimir remained in power, she'd be forced to remain Dijkstra unofficial subordinate rather than his true partner.

There's something a bit poetic in the idea that Dijkstra's "pet owl" 's solution for reclaiming her own power was putting King Vizimir's "pet brother" on the throne, though.

And now, it's her game they shall all be forced to play... 

If Dijkstra wants to continue to have any influence and power, he'll either need to learn to truly share with her, or go against her. 

And Radovid, well... 

He might need a Sandpiper.

So, there really is a lot of similarities between Jaskier and Radovid's empathetic abilities and insightfulness, but in a way that really complement each other. 

One of them sees and falls in love with people's potential and everything they could be.  He seeks to inspire them to embrace the parts of themselves that they are too afraid to fully acknowledge, and nurture their potential. 

While the other quickly perceives people's strengths, vulnerabilities, wants, and needs; and will know how to address them to help them heal, deal with their issues, and/or find efficients solutions to their problems. 

They are, in a way, almost perfect for each other. 

Because Radovid seems to have grown up being the "spare", the "invisible child", the one whose whole individuation process was heavily stunted by a brother whose ego kept pushing him out of frame, in a highly toxic and manipulative world where his survival depended on blending in, while appearing completely witless. 

But he loves Jaskier with the trust, abandon, and innocence of someone who's never truly been hurt in love before, simply because he's never been truly loved. 

It's a new kind of connection for him.  Something that feels freeing, safe, and wonderful. 

Meeting Jaskier showed Radovid a world where the grass is green.  Where people from the same family love, support, and are willing to make sacrifices for each other.  A world where it's safe to trust, make mistakes, show concern, share power and elevate each other. 

A world where the parts of himself that he's had to hide his whole life are what drew Jaskier to him, not something undesirable, dangerous, or to be mocked. 

And, the moment Radovid finally realised that the reason why he'd been so adrift until then had been because he doesn't fit in his brother's world, Philippa stopped him from leaving, and put a bloodied crown atop his head. 

Radovid's bound to undergo one hell of an identity crisis from that point on! 

And the truth is that I believe he's got every single required quality to be an amazing King and foster positive change on the Continent. 

But he might need someone that's able to see that potential in him, and inspire him to have faith in himself. 

He might need someone that has already built trust with the outcasts of the Continent, has developed his own underground network and contacts, and might allow him to reach out to various groups of people that might be able to help him to take power back from Philippa and Dijkstra. 

He might need someone with such a talent for influencing the public's perception of who someone is, that he could easily make the whole Continent fall in love with Radovid and see him the way Jaskier himself sees him. 

What Jaskier did for Geralt - create a positive, heroic image of himself in people's minds - in he could do for Radovid. 

He's the fucking "Sand Lark".  Regardless of him being the descendant of Fjall and Éile or not, Jaskier is as influential as a bard as the Lark ever was. 

If he wants to make the people of the North rally behind Radovid as their King, that wouldn't even be a challenge for him! 

And once Radovid's got his people's attention and trust - once he's finally seen and known for who he is - he should be able to lead and influence them directly.

Because accurately guessing what people need, and coming up with strategies to help them meet those needs is what he does.

All he needs is people's willingness to trust him and follow his lead, and the actual power to make decisions.

And Jaskier could definitely use someone like Radovid that makes him feel seen, valued, and appreciated, sees all he has to offer, and is likely to be understanding of Jaskier's emotional struggles and issues. 

Because Jaskier's problem isn't figuring out who he is or being invisible.  He's loud, flamboyant, fills any space he walks in with his presence, and doesn't go unnoticed. 

But he's the scapegoat, the one that's too loud, too annoying, too impulsive, too much... and yet he's also never enough!  At least, not to the people that matters most. 

We don't know why he chose to become a bard and stopped using his Viscount title. We don't know if his family might have treated him as a disappointment, and/or why he never talks about them... and perhaps we never will!

But the way Geralt essentially blamed him for ruining his life did leave some scars, and likely heightened his hypersensitivity to any real or perceived rejection (that I believe was there even before he met Geralt, because he's extremely ADHD coded, and RSD is often something that tends to co-occur with ADHD). 

Jaskier knows who he is...  but he doesn't trust in what he's worth.  

He's "just a bard", he keeps getting into trouble, making matters worse, tends to hide his sausage in the wrong royal pantry, people want to kill him, throw things at him, and break his things, often over the way he loves too differently or too much... 

It's only very recently that Geralt has finally learned to openly show him affection, appreciation and reciprocity. 

To be clear Geralt, in season 3, is absolutely wonderful with Jaskier!   He's taking full responsibility for the way he hurt him, and doing all he can to make sure not to add to his self-doubts and issues. 

Ex: He clearly states that the only reason he doesn't want him to go with him is because he's scared of Jaskier getting hurt, and promises to come find him right after he's done.  He's not abandoning him nor pushing him away. 

He quickly reassured Jaskier that he's not upset that he's been talking with Philippa without having told him about him - that he trusts and loves him regardless of what he does - he's just curious to know what this is about. 

He reaches out for Jaskier's hand for comfort and allows himself to emotionally rely on him.

Geralt is finally embracing who he is and the person that Jaskier fell in love with and saw all along.  This is also helping Jaskier overcome his insecurities. 

Yennefer and Ciri have also adopted him as one of their own, and even freaking Yarpen Zigrin expressed his thanks for the way he risked his life for his men, and seems to have gained a new appreciation and respect for him. 

But it took him 20 years - and a lot of hurt and doubt - to finally get there. 

His found family mean the world Jaskier, and there's plenty of healing to be found there. 

But the thing is that it's healing he's finding amongst those that once made him deeply doubt about being enough, or worry about being too much.  Even Ciri's first response to meeting Jaskier was to just walk by and utterly dismiss him. 

Every now and then, Jaskier's bound to continue hearing those ugly voices in his head that are telling him that he's the one shoveling the shit that happens in people's lives!  

The voices telling him that his songs are nothing but pies without filling, and those that listen to him sing would realise he's got no substance, and stop loving him.  That the best thing that could happen in one's life would be for him to be taken off their hands.  Etc.

But then, there's Radovid, that calls his songs irresistible, is drawn to what Jaskier expresses in them, and fascinated with the way he sees the world... 

Radovid, who genuinely believes that the only good thing in the whole mess this season was meeting Jaskier, when Jaskier is the only reason that Radovid has gotten himself involved that deep in this whole mess to begin with!

Because Radovid only started showing some level of competence and willingness to play his own game with the spymasters because of that connection he developed with Jaskier. 

Otherwise, he'd probably have continued to pretend to be a drunken idiot and passively tagged along or annoyed Philippa and Dijkstra out of boredom, rather than made any effort to bring Jaskier and his family to Redania to help keep them safe.

Jaskier is the reason Philippa saw Radovid's potential, and ultimately chose to put him on the throne!

Once again, Jaskier made it all happen!

And yet, Radovid feels that meeting Jaskier - that Jaskier himself - is a GOOD thing.  The only thing he's grateful for.

He's not getting angry at him because he got himself in a pile of shit that Jaskier shoveled his way!

Because Jaskier's not to blame for Radovid's world being so screwed up that revealing parts of oneself to dangerous people out of love triggers such a mess. 

Radovid's voice is the ultimate countervoice to all the ugly voices that were put in Jaskier's head. 

Having Geralt say that he's lucky to have him might not be enough for Jaskier to truly believe it anymore...  Because what's to say his friend is not just feeling guilty over how deeply he hurt him, and is just attempting to make Jaskier feel better regardless of what he really thinks? 

But having Radovid say "Does the Witcher know how lucky he is to have you?" gives some much needed extra credibility to the idea.

If someone - from outside his relationship with Geralt - sees how wonderful he is, and how lucky Geralt is to have his friendship, devotion, and support...  Well, maybe what Geralt said in the past was just Geralt's own issues talking, and he truly didn't mean any of it.

Maybe, if Geralt says "I'm lucky to have you, Jaskier," he truly means it.

Radovid's relationship with Jaskier - the way he readily offers him words of affirmation and appreciation completely unprompted - has the potential to heal and strengthen the bonds between Jaskier and the rest of his found family as well.

It may sound counter-intuitive but as much as the cabin scene hurt, I think it shows just how much Jaskier instinctively trusts or wants to trust Radovid, too.

Because he's utterly unafraid to confront him, and show Radovid the deeply wounded and even more vicious side of himself. 

Their connection feels real, healthy, and like it has all the foundations of True Love™, because neither of them appear to be looking at the other with rose tinted glasses and expecting the other person to be perfect, or to change who they are and what matters most to them to suit each other's needs.

They have both complementary empathetic skills AND emotional damage, of all things!

So yeah, I think this is literally the longest piece of meta I've ever written on anything probably EVER, but I've been really (over)thinking about this for a while now, and had a mighty need to put the bulk of all of these thoughts down.

Like I said, I don't mind if people choose to interpret Radovid's relationship with Vizimir in a different way, and see the two brothers as sharing a loving brotherly bond with each other.

But Radovid is so survivor of narcissistic abuse coded on the show, and King Vizimir's utter lack of interest in asking his little brother if he's even remotely okay, or needs anything upon his return (just going on about how HE was worried sick, and how HE never should have left him, and how HE intends to punish someone about it... Oh, and by the way he looks awful, stinks, and needs a bath!)...

Well... Let's say that sort of cemented Vizimir as very much lacking any sense of genuine human empathy towards his baby brother in my mind.

The only act of actual "love", in that scene, to me, happened off-screen, when Vizimir agreed to let Radovid leave to go pursue something - someone - that suits him. And I have absolutely no idea how that conversation ended, and what was said between them in that moment.

Only that Radovid looked really happy to be allowed to escape from there, and needed to sell some of his valuables to get the funds he needed to travel and go help Jaskier.

But the scene between King Vizimir and Radovid? I personally couldn't feel the love there. 30 years with a narcissistic mother have taught me that hugs don't mean much, and "I was worried sick" is more about the person's own feelings, rather than expressing actual concern when it's not accompanied by something like "are you alright?"

King Vizimir is a ridiculously entertaining character that's a lot of fun to watch, but the implication of some of his behaviors are rather heartbreaking for Radovid.

So yeah, if you needed more reason to feel very protective of Radovid, and wish for him to get plenty of love and extraordinary things in future seasons, here are a few others for you!

#Radovid #Jaskier #Radskier #Narcissistic personality disorder #NPD #Narcissism #King Vizimir #Geralt of Rivia #My Posts #My thoughts #Probably one of the longest of not the longest piece of meta I've ever written...

[isa-ghost]

PLEASE REBLOG!

I guess I'm making this post out of desperation. I'm autistic and can't mask to save my fucking life, not intentionally at least. I feel insanely alone about it.

The last few weeks I've had nightmarish amounts of on/off RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria for anyone unaware) after irl socializing, which I usually enjoy. I'm incredibly extroverted, sometimes to my own detriment, and I can't figure out if being extroverted is why I can't mask or if I just lack the capacity in some other way.

Really, I'd rather die than not be able to be authentic everywhere I go because I just Am how I am unapologetically, but lately I've really been wishing I could consciously mask and actually stay masking until I'm out of the social situation I want to mask in because I come out of the situation feeling weird or stupid or too "noticeably autistic."

Masking is such a seemingly big staple in autistic conversations and maybe even autistic culture, and I feel like the only one I know who just can't seem to actually mask whether I want to or not.

I want to send this poll around Tumblr to see whether I'm alone, or just a super small minority. And maybe doing so will let other autistics with "abnormal" masking habits feel seen.

#autism #autistic #polls #poll

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! I've been following you for a while and you've given really good insights about types (I was quite blown by the way you've been able to read into INFJ's shame and what not. It was really cool to read.)

Anyway, I am an ENTP and recently I've realized that my sense of empathy is rather odd…I am able to understand others, I can predict how certain things may affect others emotionally within logic, however my sense of empathy never truly reaches me. I know it sounds a little weird, but truly I find so hard to be moved by things that often move others, or to care beyond the basic courtesy. I can understand how and why someone feels in x way, however said empathy often comes from logic more than actually feeling in the shoes of others.

At the same time, I take my sweet time when it comes to understand my own feelings. Like, I can experience something that leaves me feeling weird and take a whole day, nap included, just to realize I'm kinda angry or sad or surprised. This inability to guide myself through my own feelings or even experience what others experience has caused me some troubles through the years, because of course, despite being able to read others, one is bound to fail or misunderstand at some point.

From running my mouth, having bad timing, to doing hurtful stuff that in my view were not hurtful at that moment (because I somehow reached the wrong conclusion in my attempt for empathy) I often find myself a little on the sideway when it comes to feelings of vulnerability, to the point I even end up pushing myself through stuff that makes me uncomfortable after I failed to understand I was weirded out on time; or even the opposite when I end up stating that I am really angry just to realize I didn't even cared that much.

The fact that I am a woman and people tend to expect women to be more sympathetic doesn't help either, so it's not rare for a group of people who knows me superficially to think that I am too reactionary/intimidating/out of reach/aggresive/harsh when in fact most of the time I'm trying to be friendly and outspoken, all while my inner circle define me as very lighthearted and even motherly. And, keep in mind, I am actually very adjusted socially, quite functional. I'm the type of person who will push through depression and very bad scenarios out of will which has been incredibly useful in dark times, but again I wonder if it was less will and more me not being vulnerable at all.

So, do you think this is some kind of failing in my Fe? Is this something that happens often to ENTP's or maybe I should check on other things like mental health etc? Do you have tips that could help me being more understanding of my own feelings? (Thank you before hand!)

-------------------

Generally speaking, the focus of therapeutic psychology is mainly on the individual. Behavior is labelled "problematic" when it causes pain and suffering and negatively impacts one's ability to live life in the manner one aspires to. It is a self-evaluation. Since you claim to be functional in daily life, there is no reason to believe that you have any mental health problem or disorder.

However, abnormal psychology is but one of many perspectives through which to understand the human mind. E.g. What about highly functional yet existentially unhappy people? What about people who live a comfortable life but still yearn? What about people skilled at brushing aside issues to keep moving forward in life?

These people might not suffer from any serious mental disorder, but that doesn't mean there isn't enormous room for improvement. The subfield of psychoanalytic psychology helps people get to know themselves more deeply. The subfield of humanistic psychology helps people understand and fulfill their needs better. The subfield of positive psychology was created to tackle subjects like: how to live a better quality of life; how to flourish and thrive; how to realize greater potential.

You've described a psychological "issue" that you struggle with at times, but not to the extent that it poses a serious problem. Whether this issue is common for ENTPs with tertiary Fe is not the right question to ask. If I say "yes", then what? If I say "no", then what? Unless your behavior is very harmful, it's not for me or anyone else to tell you that there's something "wrong" with you. I don't want to play the role of judge and jury.

The question boils down to: What, if anything, do YOU want to do about this issue? The motivation to change shouldn't come from me saying that there's something "wrong" with you, as though I'm your parent. You should have some kind of intrinsic motivation, stemming from deep within your own soul, to improve yourself and your life. Unfortunately, without this intrinsic motivation, many people end up choosing unhealthy paths to self-improvement.

From your description, you have the capability to be emotionally aware and empathetic. However, "capability" is different than "ability". A capability is something you can potentially do but perhaps lack the knowledge or skill or will to do well. An ability is what you possess after you've put in the necessary hard work to learn the knowledge and skill required to do something well.

Of course, there are certain capabilities that are harder to develop for some people than others due to genetic predisposition. But this shouldn't be a barrier for anyone seeking personal growth for the right reasons. When you have the right intrinsic motivation, you understand that self-improvement isn't about being "the best" but about being a better you.

At any point in life, you get to choose to be a better you by turning your capabilities into abilities, by realizing more of your potential. To be clear, there's nothing "wrong" with refusing to. However, when you refuse, are you making the choice consciously, fully aware of the implications? Refusing essentially means you will never truly know that aspect of yourself nor see its benefits. And then you are likely to feel a strange "hole" in your existence, as though part of you is missing.

How does this relate to tertiary Fe? Generally speaking, people have plenty of capability or latent potential with the tertiary function. However, to develop latent potential and learn how to use the tertiary optimally requires a lot of difficult self-work. Why is the tertiary difficult to develop? Two main reasons:

1) It can only come after sufficient auxiliary development, which is hard enough. It sounds like your grasp of Ti is average at best, perhaps immature but not unhealthy. You use Ti in its most basic form to understand and solve problems, including human problems. However, it seems you haven't yet learned how to use it optimally to turn your capabilities into abilities.

2) People often don't understand the true value of the tertiary function and perhaps even unconsciously resist developing it in the right way. Most people use it merely as a tool to gain some egotistical advantage but then discard it whenever it becomes inconvenient. Does this not encapsulate your relationship to emotional life?

Chasing the good aspects while rejecting the bad means you don't have a full appreciation of the function. If you care about Fe, which includes having a healthier relationship to your emotional life, then you must learn to appreciate its true value and WANT it. Nobody can convince you or force you to develop a function that you overlook, ignore, or disdain as it suits you.

Gender may or may not play a role depending on how you choose to react to societal expectations. Rebellion against gender norms is sometimes necessary to promote fairness and equality, but it can also work against you, if you just end up resisting or rejecting things that are good for your personal growth.

As explained in the guide, type development is about improving your self-awareness, with the implication being that knowing yourself better allows you to make better judgments and decisions in life. It is entirely your decision as to whether you're going to: stop devaluing Fe; become more aware of its role in your psychology; accept and embrace its presence with both its positive and negative aspects; and fully integrate it into your way of being.

If you choose to take your personal growth in this direction, your emotional awareness will certainly improve which in turn will help improve your empathy for others. I've explained before that empathy requires both the cognitive and emotional components to work at its best. So far, you have favored the cognitive (as it relates to Ti) and been resistant to the emotional (as it relates to Fe). Rectifying this imbalance requires proper auxiliary and tertiary development, such that they complement rather than interfere with each other.

I've already written about emotional intelligence and recommended books that provide advice for self-improvement. The tools already exist, so it is a matter of study and practice. You say you want to be more understanding of your feelings but then your actual behavior toward feelings suggests otherwise.

For example, instead of being patient and vulnerable and listening to feelings in order to become more aware of them, you treat them as alien or as a nuisance, unwilling to take full responsibility for them. In terms of type development, it is this kind of ambivalence that keeps people stuck in a rut.

In short, is your question really about whether you "can" do it, or is it really about whether you have enough will to change and grow? Until this is clarified, your true purpose remains muddled, and that will continually limit and slow your progress.

#entp #auxiliary ti #tertiary fe #tertiary #emotional intelligence #empathy #capability #ability #ambivalence #development #growth #intrinsic motivation #ask

[nitro-nova]

Let's Help Alfred!

Hi, this is Alfred, my 14-year-old grumpy old cat. Alfred means a lot to me and many lovely people that I know.

The short story is that he is old and in need of medical specialists. There are two whoppers coming up:

Ultrasound for his tummy to look for signs of blockage. The cost will range between $1,400 and $1,800.

Dental care, possible chance of tooth removal. The cost will range between $1,400 and $2,500.

I have created a fundraiser pool on Paypal. https://www.paypal.com/pools/c/8RrDxhPxUp You can view the fundraiser's progress and make a donation through their website.

Additional details/predicted questions below. Content warning for some mentions of unsanitary stuff.

Q: How is Alfred doing right now?

A: He is hanging in there. The main concerns are that he has suddenly stopped eating as much, has a fit or two of vomiting for consecutive days per week, chews abnormally slowly, yowling at random times, and other health issues. He's getting old. He's walking slower, but he's being far more social than usual. He often sits in a chair next to mine while I'm at my job.

Q: How much of this can you cover yourself?

A: I have been doing my best to keep up with the costs, but I have taken hits to my emergency funds. I've spent $800 for an animal hospital visit, did three ~$400 visits that included bloodwork and tests to determine his hyperthyroidism, and spent $1500 for a procedure to resolve a hyperthyroidism issue. I've hopefully extended his life for a few more years, because of this, but it hasn't gotten to the bottom of his relapsing health problems. I'm trying not to feel like I'm still at square one.

Q: Do you think it's possible that the fundraiser will succeed?

A: I don't know. This is a lot of money, and part of it is just diagnostic. I'm considering getting a second job (currently I work remote tech support). A backup plan is to get a loan or credit and pay it off. I really want to be a good pet owner for Alfred, and I will figure out a way to get him care, one way or another.

Q: I've seen you draw some art. Can you commission your way to victory or something?

A: I'm willing to accept commissions, but if I were to do "$100 commissions," for example, I'd need to complete about 43 of them. I don't even know that many people. Anything helps, but it's a lot of money. With that said, I've got https://twitter.com/nitro_nova and my DMs here if you want to reach out.

Q: Tell me some things about Alfred while I think about clicking that link.

Alfred is a 14-year old, and his breed is American Maine Coon, one of the largest domestic cat breeds. He is generally grumpy and does not like to be picked up or to be placed in a lap. He maintains his fur much better than I maintain my own hair. That's why he always looks good. He enjoys the presence of other people, and will often seek them out just to loaf next to them.

Alfred will loaf in a high chair next to mine for roughly the entire duration of my work shift. For a while, he was obsessed with the gravy of wet canned food (we aren't sure why he has rejected it in favor of dry food again). He will pry open doors and hop into cabinets, and he does not like it when a door is closed. He has a cat tower which he loves. Very rarely, he will come to you and bump you, because he loves you under his posh and elegant demeanor.

#fundraiser #cat #signal boost #medical #vet

[bunkernine]

hi pls ignore this if i have mistaken you for someone else and am making a fool out of myself but are you the person who wrote isosceles?? because that fic altered my brain on an abnormal and chemical level way back when and i just remembered it the other day and binged it all again and i feel like i remember there being a few other fics in that universe (one from travis’s pov iirc) and i wanted to know where they are. of course if you are not the person who wrote isosceles i am a fool and feel free to ignore this ❤️

I did, yeah.

I wrote it when i was 14 so at a certain point i didn't want to be associated with it because it didn't reflect me as much anymore. It was my big baby at the time!!! But i divorced from that a few years ago. As for the other universe fics, if i remember correctly: connor, drew, a vers where jason admits to liking him back (some point isos implied that jason DID like leo back but was too confused to do anything).... But i deleted those first because they just weren't as fun, and my own friend group was falling apart so it felt too close.

But yes, you have found me LOLOL. Isos is orphaned, but unfortunately the other fics are deleted fr. Sorry :( but thanks for enjoying it!!! 💖

(ramblings under the cut)

The reason why i didnt delete isos too was because so many people were saying what you are now. If i could, id rewrite it (both with style and plot differences) and do a whole new remastered version. Im not sure why i decided to write his senior year when i was a freshman/sophomore LOL so I always figured I would've came back to it when I was older.... Clearly I did not.

I WAS miserable in high school, at least socially. So Leo was a little TOO personal and it made me mad when i basically did what he did towards the end. I spent some time just doing some random apolleo fics. Capolleo series, so my name should've been capolleon by then? LOLOLOL i had been majorly influenced by some now-deleted fic which is why apollo is even there 💀 but now im apollos age in the fic and im like 'hmm. Yeah maybe not...'

Then there was a fic that was coming out towards the end of isos that i felt was copying me 😭😭😭 ← 14/15 yr old feelings. Who cares! But i would update and then they would update and i was so paranoid 😭😭😭 honestly, the vibe in general for valgrace in 2018 is much different than right now, and it was much more open and varied in topics. This is not to discredit the current valgrace leaders or whatever the fuck, but the vibe is just ... Pretty different.

But yeah. Im sort of using this ask as an excuse to talk about it, but isos was SO big and what i was known for within the small vg circle (outside of the text fic at the same time 💀) so i was constantly reminded of it. And dont get me wrong, i ADORED that fic when i was writing it. I was upset whenever my life was too messy for me to drop the chapter of the month. Double updates felt so ... Um. Mature and awesome, like i was a professional 💀 i wrote leo as bisexual but he had a pretty strong inclination to men because i was figuring I'm out that I wasn't bisexual but a lesbian, but I couldn't really articulate that, especially as I was dating a guy through that fic. That was some cute little endpoint i was gonna have but its reality frightened me so it was dropped... The complexities of piperleojason were insane to think about when i was like, crying at lunch in my bf's car 😭 When it was posting, i left some really crazy A/N's showing how volatile i was at the time, that i eventually deleted. But i was so proud of it and it was a comfort to write. I think the drafts were a lot more raw but people loved it anyway.

Anyway. It's been a while since I've been able to talk about this fic. People have left the most loving comments in the world and it connected with a lot of readers. Its also my only fic that had fanart and playlists and such made for it! I was so proud of that! I dont think people understand how incredible that is and it truly is the dream for fic writers!!! I have other fics that inspired ppl, but isos was the one ppl constantly flocked to or appreciated :)

I used to cry writing some parts of it and now it just feels like an old diary entry. I haven't read it in a while and thought about remaking it (probs... As college kids though) but haven't bothered. Technical-wise, theres so many things that are dropped or forgotten or are just clumsy but thats really just a maturity thing.

Anyway THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!!!!!!! Ppl dont ask me about my fics like they used to which was the whole reason why i made this account :(((( among other things, lack of interactions in fandom have decreased so much :((((

Love love love uuuuuuuuu

#asks #anon

[aroace-confessions]

I'm in my early 30s, grey-aro/ace and have rarely, if ever, felt the need to kiss, date, or have sex with anyone Ive met, and have not. I've never been in a romantic/sexual relationship, and while its appealing in theory, in practice I feel romantically/sexually repulsed by almost everyone else.

Now its never bothered me before being this way, but now that I'm now nearly middle-aged the way people react to this about me makes me feel inferior and odd. People give me looks of disgust, sympathy and/or confusion when they find out, and I get treated like I'm abnormal, some even get angry at me. People also treat me almost like I'm childish for being this way, they talk down to me, and act like I can't be a proper adult because I haven't had a relationship.

Overall I feel really annoyed that other people are so controlling and weird about me being grey-aro/ace. I don't see how its any of their business, or why they have such a problem with it. I'm not an animal, I don't have to have couple up with another, I am free to be my own person and make my own choices. I wish others respected that.

But there's another problem I'm having too. Most people my age have coupled up by now, and have families. So trying to make friends (especially offline) is harder now. They either don't want new friends because they have a family now, or they don't want to be friends with someone who is single/childless/not dating, or theyre so busy with their own lives they dont have time for social groups/activities (outside of dating). Its really isolating. Im not mad at them, I get it, just its tough.

Lately I guess I've been just feeling very alone. I feel like an outcast, like somehow by not having romantic/sexual relationships, even platonic ones have become out of reach.

And sometimes I feel pressured to date/have sex just so people will treat me like an equal and talk to me. But I dont want to do that.

Submitted 10/02/24

#aroace #grey aroace #aromantic asexual

[hairstevington]

i'm counting the days to the rapture

Summary: Benny wakes up in his diner, completely alone. He's in Hawkins, but something is different about it. Not quite Hawkins. He's somewhere else. (Link to Ao3)

Word Count: 516 (this one is mostly just a teaser!)

Warnings: Talks of death, Benny's POV of events from episode 1, nothing serious yet

A/N: Okay! I am biting the bullet and diving into this idea I've had brewing for a few months! Unlike my other stories, this one is not centered on any particular pairing and instead is more about trauma, healing, and grief. The idea is that each (named) character who canonically dies in the show shows up in order, and they all process their lives together. But! This story isn't all somber and melancholy - they start piecing things together as time goes on, and come to find this isn't quite the afterlife. As usual, I will put the first few chapters on Tumblr and the rest will be on my Ao3, so hop on over there if you like what you read!

Benny woke up on the floor of his restaurant with a headache from hell. He clutched the back of his skull, wincing as if there was an injury there, but the skin was smooth. 

He sat up and looked around to find the room completely empty. He didn’t know what time it was, or how long he’d been out. 

Wait, why am I on the floor? What happened?

He tried to recall the last thing he was conscious of. There was a little girl. He called social services. They showed up. Then, bang. 

Wait.

Bang? 

That didn’t make sense. Then again, a girl with a shaved head randomly breaking into the kitchen and stealing food was abnormal too. Oh, she had been so scared. He hoped she was okay.

And then he came to the only plausible conclusion - social services knocked him out and took her away.

He was filled with anger and concern. If they’d knocked him out, then those folks weren’t the good guys. He had no idea where the girl was or if she was safe. Maybe he’d led her right back to the people she was running from.

Shit.

Benny stood up and walked to his phone. He dialed the Sheriff’s personal number. Even if it were late, they’d been friends for a while - he would understand. The line seemed to be disconnected, so Benny figured he’d changed his number again or something. But then he dialed the number to the police station, and that was disconnected too.

So was 911. 

He rushed outside to get fresh air, only to find the world much quieter than it had ever been. No hum from Hawkins Lab, no birds singing or crickets chirping. It was nighttime, that much was clear. Otherwise, this hardly resembled the town he knew so well. 

He was somewhere else. 

It was like a mirrored version of his home, or perhaps a copy. Something that was nearly the same, but just missed the mark. Worst of all, it was terribly empty. He’d never been one to believe in spirits or auras or mystical energies or anything like that, but he immediately understood that there was no one around him. All his years thus far he’d spent feeling life around him, and now there was none. It was an instinctual understanding. An absence that chilled him to the bone. 

There wasn’t much that could be done, at least not this night. He walked back inside, checking the freezers and fryers. Fresh food was still there, at least. He decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Benny cooked himself a meal in that empty diner, waiting for something to happen. Time didn’t feel the same here, wherever he was. It wasn’t necessarily unpleasant, just lonely - then again, he’d always liked being alone. 

And then, at some point, a teenage girl wandered in - wide-eyed under wire-rimmed glasses. 

“Hey,” Benny said, stunned at the company. “Where’d you come from?”

“I just climbed out of an empty pool,” she responded. She took a deep, shaky breath. “I - I’m pretty sure I’m dead.”

(part 2)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist! (kind of guessing on this because it's a gen story so if anyone wants to be removed or added please let me know!)

@skjachukson @manda-panda-monium @twcatelgatitodetwitter @renaissan-vvitch @disastardly @goodolefashionedloverboi @depressed-gays-of-marvel @smolbasilboy @bunnyweasley23 @alliemunsonsstuff

#stranger things #stranger things fanfic #writing #i'm counting the days to the rapture #barb holland #benny stranger things #stranger things au

[destinyc1020]

Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions and offer such a detailed response.

The reason why I am alarmed at her answer goes back to the industry that she is apart of. Acting does not afford you the time to figure things out like a normal 27 year old, especially at the current level she is at. If you don't know what makes you happy and how to live life on your own terms early in that industry, you run the risk of being taken advantage of or being pulled in too many directions. This is what happened to Jennifer Lawrence

"I think that I was people-pleasing for the majority of my life. Working made me feel like nobody could be mad at me: ‘Okay, I said yes, we’re doing it. Nobody’s mad.’ And then I felt like I reached a point where people were not pleased just by my existence. So that kind of shook me out of thinking that work or your career can bring any kind of peace to your soul.. . I didn’t have a life. I thought I should go get one.” Vanity Fair

https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2021/11/jennifer-lawrence-on-love-fame-boundaries-and-dont-look-up

Zendaya is not a robot and this is what can happen when you go from job to job with no breaks. You can lose track of who you are and what makes you happy. I am glad that the strike happened last year because it forced her to stop and examine her life. Just based on her responses she is still figuring things out. Some good things I see happening, is Zendaya limiting her time on social media and removing all her followers, thereby reducing the noise in her life. Personally if she took another long break after these promo tours to really figure things out even better.

Yea Anon, I think this happens to a LOT of ppl (people-pleasing).... Especially for us as women, and not just in the ET industry either. I know I've been a victim of this mentality as well (people-pleasing), but the older you get, the less you stop giving a crap about what other ppl think about you or trying to please everybody.

I'm not surprised that Jennifer and Zendaya have felt this way. Like I said, when you've been acting since you were a KID (or even just as a young adult), like Florence said, you don't realize the amount of power you really actually have. You're told certain things, and sometimes you keep quiet so as to not ruffle feathers.

It's not uncommon (even for those of us NOT in the ET industry) to not really know what we want to do in life, or if we want to continue in a certain profession. That's not abnormal at all! And a lot of times, what you wanted at one stage of your life might not be what you want in another older stage of your life. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I recall Zendaya saying in an interview that when the pandemic hit, it was a difficult time for her because it really forced her to think about WHO she really was without work. Like, when you've been working for SO long like she has, you can kinda forget or lose touch with who you are and what your self worth is outside of work, because you've been linking the two to your self identity for SO long. 😔

I don't think that's weird at all. It can happen! So I'm glad that's she's learning more and more about herself as the years go by. 😊

BTW, just wanted to correct you: Zendaya didn't remove her followers, she just UNFOLLOWED those who SHE was following.