#I really hate myself for existing

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[andy-clutterbuck]

6x15 | East

#happy thanksgiving i brought dessert #Rick Grimes #* #rg #S6 #F R E C K L E S #lol jk that's a whole buffet #michonne really got up and left.....more unrealistic than zombies walking around lbr #FUZZIES ✨ #even his....no don't say it.....is nice i hate myself #there's that urge to rub up against something like a cat again #let me date myself and remind everyone other old about those terrible sticky hand toys you'd get from like quarter machines #that'd be my existence #my birthday is tomorrow and my sister's bf just gave me a $60 bottle of tequila i have to work tomorrow but whatev

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

#this quote always moves me almost to tears when i remember it #i'm not a trans woman and i don't share the author's specific experiences with transition #but it really moves me that she frame transition as joyfully giving yourself permission to approach your body #not as something that has to be disciplined and deprived and made small in all these various ways #but as a means for experiencing pleasure and joy and delight and for insisting that our feelings and desires are worth #valuing and exploring and treasuring #i always used to think of prioritizing those things for myself as selfish and irresponsible #but who does it harm to want to experience pleasure in your own body? #it's such a beautifully simple and powerful switch to have flip in your head #and equally why are we forced to deny our own pleasure in transition and anything else related to our bodies in the name of moral rectitude #this is why i get so confused and pissed off when other trans people are fatphobic for example #like why are you so invested in politics of shame and disgust that never had any purpose other than #violently disciplining people as if they've violated moral codes by existing in a body #to say nothing of white people being racist in gay and trans communities #like again this system of violence is foundational to homophobia and transphobia #so why are you acting like it has nothing to do with you #even if you are unmoved by the urgency of other people's suffering which btw you should be moved by #what do you hope to gain by acting a collaborator and handmaiden to those systems #Casey Plett #she really is one of my favorite authors i wish more non-canadians read her #this quote is from a series of columns she did ont transition and every single one is a banger #i love when she talks about the people-pleasing elements of dysphoria and transition denial #she's so sharp about noting how many of us deny our own dysphoria on the grounds that others like and validate our bodies #that's how i always felt during my cis conventionally feminine era #it pleased other people so much and also that reception felt so hollow and joyless to me because i hated it #i get less of that positive feedback but that feels so unimportant next to the joy and pleasure i get to experience #said with the understanding that i'm very privileged in being able to prioritize those things without fear. but it was a switch flip #personal nonsense

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages. #or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it. #i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') - #- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action. #also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally) #u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not-- #--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of' #'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important' #bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and- #inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

[lycanthian]

they should make a me that isnt Scared

#this is abt something incredibly specific and no im not telling you what #it is probably all in my head and i dont mean that in a Im Crazy way but a I Know My Anxiety Is Kicking Into Overdrive For No Reason way #its a tricky situation . im still not talking abt it unless u are one of the few people authorized with necessary information #and even then i dont know what talking about it would really do besides honestly freak me out more . sigh #something something mantras to repeat myself . #they do not hate you just for existing. you just arent close and havent learned to pick up on their language and vibes yet. youll be ok #lycan howls

[leonardcohenofficial]

imagine not being in constant fucking physical chronic pain every single moment of every single fucking day could not be me

#in other news i am in a horrific flareup and i'm straight up gonna lose it #being in this much pain every single moment of my existence is getting real fucking old man #i am really grateful that one of my closest friends out here gave me a gift card to get a massage as a holiday gift because it'll at least #give me a modicum of relief (since stretching is not really something i'm supposed to do since being slightly hypermobile it means i could #injure myself ANYWAYS i hate it here) so hope that'll help on tuesday

[poppyseed799]

I see a lot of people disliking secret life and that’s fine having ur own opinion and all but since I’m a little baby who cries whenever someone vaguely suggests they might not totally like what I like, I simply MUST say something about it

… All I’ve gotta say is that the entire life series has ALWAYS been an experimental series. It’s good that they’re trying something drastically different this time. It’s not close enough to the other ones? Well, that’s cuz they’re experimenting with it.

Also many of the complaints on the series would not exist if not for the fans. The tasks would NOT be so stressful if the fans didn’t harass people for not following them exactly as they interpreted. It’s been said multiple times in the season that it is up to the person doing the task to determine if they did it correctly or not. We have to trust them on it. Even if they blatantly failed, if they see it as a success then it is, because they wouldn’t lie about that. They would be honest if they genuinely think they failed. However I’m seeing them now say things like “I don’t want people to harass me for it so I’m just going to hit fail” no!!! Fans stop it 😭

But on its own it’s a fun challenge. Seems like a fun series to be in, if the fans don’t bother you. So I wouldn’t say the gimmick is the issue. People just need to lay off.

I personally am not sure how well this season will end? I feel like at some point they’ll have to drop the gimmick. But that’s part of the fun of the life series, how experimental it is. I love that they keep randomly adding rules in the middle of the season. They’re experimenting to figure out what works! That’s always been the life series. And this one is a big change, a big test. And you may not like it. Next season they’ll just create a new gimmick accordingly, taking note of what did and didn’t work out well in this one (if there IS a next season…)

I just don’t get the “it doesn’t feel like the life series” thing when all the seasons were meant to be different anyways lol.

#trafficblr #life series #secret life smp #slsmp #there was not really a point to this I just wanted it off my chest #TLDR: I’m sick of ppl hating on SL! so now I will list reasons why it’s valid to not like it and maybe even complain about it myself a bit! #I’ll also say though that fans harassing the CCs over the rules has existed since the beginning it is NOT new to SL. #just trust the CCs. they assure us every time that if something was actually bad to them they’d undo it

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

so, the most recent novel i managed to actually finish writing, three long years ago, was the book of my absolute lifelong dreams and most of the time i just leave it sitting on my computer and pretend it doesn't exist because i feel too tenderly about it and i'm too proud of it and it's agony to me. these feelings are, for whatever reason, unbearable hell. but like once a year i work up the courage to reread it, and every time i'm like, "god DAMN! who wrote this?? this is exactly what i've wanted to read my whole life!!!!!!! it's simply delightful!" and then i remember that oh yeah, it's me!

#i feel like i should vow to try to query this thing like 50 times just because i love it so much and i owe it to my own love of it #and then when i get rejected because it's 155k and that's insane (but it NEEDS TO BE!) i can at least say i tried #i don't get what it says about me that i wrote the book of my dreams and now i'm too embarrassed so i pretend it doesn't exist #instead of trying to get it published #as it is apparently my lifelong goal to be a published novelist #why is my brain wired this way!??!?!?!?! #i think i'm just too scared that everyone else will hate it and it will hurt my feelings too much because it's so me #it is truly and completely my sweet little baby #and it has the same word count as jane austen's emma which i only discovered after i finished writing it #fate!!!!!!! #dollsome's deep thoughts #it's my birthday so i'm allowing myself this really self-indulgent post #getting older and still never being a (non-self-) published novelist: the story of me

[remyfire]

When the writer agonies hit.

#just had a really anxious and agonized moment where i found myself hoping that every gift i have ever given someone as a writer #is one that they have deeply enjoyed and that i did a good job by making something just for them and that they remember it fondly #and not as a total disappointment or a letdown in any way #and there's no way to ever know that because you simply must be kind when you receive a gift #especially one that they made with their own two hands #so i'm just hovering suddenly in the thought loop of anxiety that maybe i have never written a thing for someone that they liked actually #which is so fucking ridiculous and i am hoping i can shock my system out of it maybe with cold air from opening my window #because i really don't want to hate my writing today #i really want to believe that i do a good job and that people like it #that i gave them something wonderful and irreplaceable that no one else could have delivered exactly like that #that they remember it sometimes or reread it and smile #that it exists in perpetuity instead of disappearing in a cloud of smoke #that i made even one shred of difference with my craft #my ramblings

[onehundredandeleventropicalfish]

there's so many del conversations i really fucking love and wanted to put my own spin on before we get an officially cast delirium, so starting off with this fun one from kindly ones!

(i have also started a del themed tiktok bc i have a lot more audio/video stuff in the works, so if you're interested you can find this video cross-posted here)

#other things also includes music writing but shhhh spoilers #(also if you have an endless you wanna voice in something like this hmu so im not just talking at myself!) #(don't worry about mimicking existing actors you're welcome to bring your own flair) #also yeah i have a tiktok now! the conversation with my partner basically went 'so i wanna do more audio stuff with sandman' #'but it's really hard to get audio posts to take off on tumblr bc most people aren't listening as they scroll' #'.......yeah no tumblr is not the right platform for audio stuff.' 'what is?' '......you're gonna hate what i'm about to say.' #and lo and behold here i am adjusting to a new social media 😂 #but no hope this is as fun for you as it is for me we'll be back soon hopefully #the sandman #delirium of the endless #dream of the endless #sandman comic spoilers #the kindly ones #my art #voice acting #mine

[vincentpriceofficial]

"irreversible damage" is a bigoted transphobic phrase springing from a bigoted transphobic rhetoric for sure but i feel like i've really embraced it in my personal thinking about bodies and my upcoming surgery and the way i want to live my life. like yes every day i will be irreversibly damaged by my contact with the world and with the unstoppable flow of time. i'm not an antique relic that i'm trying to preserve in pristine condition i'm a mind and a body trying to experience my own existence and the universe i am part of. i'll miss out on so much if i go through life focused on avoiding pain and avoiding danger or damage. like. transitioning is not inherently traumatic for the vast majority of people it's way less traumatic than regular puberty but i do feel like there is some commonality there with trauma recovery in terms of. you will never be the same again and that is okay. you can't go back and you can't even stand still. you're changing right now your body will never not change and its yours to protect and care for but also yours to take risks in and get hurt in and it's going to heal. its unavoidable to become different than you were before and that's not bad

#the other day i had this moment of weird empathy and grief for like #a hypothetical person who knew me and loved me a few years back when i really hated myself #because that person doesnt exist anymore

[fuckdamn]

everytime i’m faced with wild overt misogyny that’s just platformed like it’s nothing i remind myself that people don’t actually have to feel this way about women. men are fully capable of treating women like human beings and viewing them as such. “but socialization but male fantasies but patriatchy speaks through us even when we don’t recognize it” sure but actually regardless there exist men who are fundamentally not raging misogynists and they generally seem happier and better adjusted. misogyny to me isn’t disappointing because “oh i can’t believe Men, as an essentialized category of person, are like this” it’s disappointing because people make the choice to be like this. “it’s my biological imperative as a man to dominate you” okay well it’s my biological imperative as a freaky bitch to dominate you so what now. what biological imperative is making you comment “onlyfans detected opinion rejected” on every picture of any attractive woman. i think i will always be understood by most people as a woman and i’m learning to accept that and trying to like it but misogyny makes me feel very trapped of course. but misogyny is a choice. which means some people make the choice to be misogynistic which is profoundly frustrating. but many other people choose not to be actively misogynistic and i believe anyone could choose not to be actively misogynistic if they wanted. so it’s a whole thing

#lotte.txt #womanhood is a fun thing to participate in with women who do not hate women. otherwise it’s very stifling and starts to not be worth it 4 me #for other girls — cis and trans btw — i think relishing in womanhood still feels worth it even when it’s very difficult and i admire that #but apart from my fashion sense and bloodlust i feel very detached from womanhood as like this primal animate Essence #but i don’t really want to be a man either. i like being a Weird Girl i like being a Hot Weird Girl #i’m more of a Hot Weird Girl than a Hot Weird Boy and i’ve discovered that through trial and error #and calling myself nonbinary/fluid accurately describes my experience in a lot of ways. but i also sometimes feel like the label doesn’t.. #serve me? if that makes sense #like i got really into kibbe in 2020 and it was like oh shit i’m a soft dramatic. how cool that there’s something that describes my body #but after a while i got exhausted with kibbe because yeah. by the logic of the system of course i’m a soft dramatic #and i operate with that knowledge in the back of my mind. but also so what. i am aware of the shape of my body now #and now i feel the label has very little left to offer me #like if you’re asking? sure i’m a kibbe soft dramatic. but i don’t hold kibbe’s system as law or view it as crucially important #that is very much how i feel rn about calling myself nonbinary #like if you want me to think about it? yeah i don’t strictly conform to the gender binary #but i don’t believe gender itself is useful for my growth - i don’t hold the institution of the gender binary sacred - why bother #why draw attention to where i exist within the system when i’m tired of defining myself in terms of the system at all. yk #aUghj. anyway

[opudont-donut]

it's kinda getting dangerous for me (as a trans person) to live in Russia so I'll try to open comms soon.

#lgbt propaganda #basically me existing is and illegal now. i can't even come out and be myself here anymore. i need money to leave #i really don't want to be hate crimed #vent ig #trans genocide

[blueberryspyder]

I know my blog doesn’t have like, any followers, but I wanna make it clear that transmisogynists are not welcome here. I also know for a fact I have some people I need to unfollow for being transmisogynists. The last few months I’ve been very, very confused by wtf “transandrophobia” was, and I had only ever seen the “good” side of it, and never the side of it being used to actively hurt trans women. I’ll admit I’m still confused on certain things, but I’m not above admitting that I might be wrong and I’m willing to learn, so thank you for your patience.

To any trans women/trans fems who follow me: I support you, and I want you to feel safe here.

Edit: I’m retracting the bit about transandrophobia, since some of y’all have been really kind (genuinely) and helped explain the theory to me (as well as the antisemitism behind the “truther” term, which I apologize for).

To any fellow trans men/trans mascs that follow me: I want you to ALSO feel safe here. Even if my original message came from a good place, it was still worded poorly and painted us in a bad light. I won’t delete this post cause I don’t want to hide from my misconceptions and help others like me who are confused, and because I want to stand behind the message that transphobia of any kind is NOT welcome here. Thank you 😊

#captain's log #wanted to make it clear #since I’ve been very in the dark about what transandrophobia stood for #I never fully believed in it but I did agree with some of their comments #I saw there was… antagonistic energy towards the group to say the least #and the way they would respond put me off #so I sat outside of it and looked at it through a critical lens before diving in #and then I saw that one anon message and went ‘ah okay’ #remember: you are not immune to propaganda/cult like mentality #I’m grateful I’ve learned to be critical about what others tell me #and to look into things before I take a stance #and I can’t beat myself up for that because I thought it was just a blog dedicated to trans men! and I’m trans masc! #but after learning about it I started looking at what they were really saying and I didn’t. like a lot of what I saw #but I still saw things that I agreed with #so I was confused #it feels hard to ask about it yknow? especially since I was only seeing the ‘hate’ from people who didn’t believe it existed #so I’m really glad I found that long post from earlier it really shed some light for me

[cosmics-beings]

being a starscream fan is always difficult because you have to navigate interacting with people who completely pacify him and excuse all his actions and paint him as a innocent person who can't be held accountable for the shit he does. and going as far as saying you excuse abuse if you try to hold him accountable for how he treats others. nevermind the fact that u yourself are an abuse victim and you wanna look at him multifaceted and you know, not excuse his abusive actions toward others.

but at the same time, you also have to navigate people who absolutely HATE him, and will act like they don't and claim they just see him critically, when most of their content is bashing him for his abuse, excusing it, saying he's an awful person and getting mad at people for seeing him as a victim or wanting him to have better. literally saying he deserves what happens to him. ike a lot of people will flat out slander him, while uplifting characters who are worse than him, will say that starscream doesn't deserve redemption, or saying that anyone who wants better for him is excusing him or worse, going out of their way just to be extremely unfair and critical to him.

it's difficult because i love starscream and i do see him critically. but it's hard being around people who will just pacify his actions, and then try to go to someone so you can have indepth convos about him only to realize that 'oh, this person actually hates starscream, they haven't said anything remotely positive about him'.

#esp like in tfp #then yeah i do get why people tend to be protective of the character #and i wa slike that at a point too #especially in prime and idw #but when i found myself excusing how starscream treated others -especially knockout #then i had to take a step back #and then in earthspark people got mad when you pointed out how poorly he treated others #and even in idw - he treats bumblebee and windblade like absolute shit and people just brush over it and also only care about bumblbee in #a sense where bumblebee only exists to take care of starscream and his problems and he can treat him anyway #the same thing happened with starscream and knockout #and when people just constantly excuse that and use the excuse that he has trauma #and that we can't hold him accountable then yeah that sucks #on the flip side you have people who only call out his flaws and are extremely hateful toward him and even blame him for his abuse #like yeah you have people who rightfully call out how shitty he treats others and are very keen to make sure that we know he isn't this inn #innocent person #but that is where it stops and they continue to hate on him #they get mad at him for his abuse and not u know mad at the person who is abusing him in fact many times they stan and defend that person #and all their content surrounded or focuses on starscream is extremely critcal and unfair #and only focuses on how bad he is and gives him absolutely no nuance or empathy #a lot of 'critical fans' of starscream really just care about shitting on him and slandering him and acting like he's the worst possible #person who deserves the abuse and the hate he got #and anyone trying to offer a nuance perspective and wanting him to be treated better is accused of 'woobifying him' when we're just saying #want him to be treated better #and it's like starscream is very complex and nuance and if you're going out of your way to slander him while uplifting other decepticons #if you are going out of your way to absolutely shit on him and give him no empathy or anything and shit on him and downplay what he went th #then you don't like the character and that's my issue #i haven't been able to find a really good balance #of fans akdjfl;afja #like it's either on one side or the other

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

A Botanical Daughter

historical fantasy

a taxidermist and botanist who live in a greenhouse in a botanical garden, far away from the disapproval of Victorian London

when they receive a shipment of a strange sentient fungi, they cultivate it inside a corpse of a recently murdered girl - who was the best friend/lover of their new housekeeper

as she grows and expands her desires they have to deal with their feelings about the potential monster they’ve created

#A Botanical Daughter #aroaessidhe 2024 reads #man I really wanted to like this but I kinda had to force myself to finish it. #really not a fan of the writing style which is very emotionally distant and full of a lot of telling not showing #it could have gotten weird and atmospheric with the writing style! we could have gotten sentient fungi POV! but no. #The characters were flat. the conceptually weird/creepy/horror aspects were executed in the most boring way #the relationship between the men is something we’re told exists but…. I don’t feel it. I don’t like them as characters. #They’re not even interesting enough to hate - or like it could have gone in the direction of embracing the unhinged murder couple vibes #they flip flop between angry arguments and making up and I’m like what is the point of that?? Honestly I didn’t feel any emotional connecti #it kinda feels like it doesn’t know whether it’s whimsical quirky-cozy vibes or like properly gothic horror #it’s somewhere in between & fails at both. it maybe suffers from trying to play into the popularity of coziness #the closest to weird we get is plant lesbian sex scene but also I laughed out loud when I read the line ‘hungry for her loam’ #like…..these men essentially create this person then cut her off from the world and her biological desires; control her autonomy/ability #to speak and the conclusion is <3 what a weird little family <3 and not she should #escape and kill them and/or make them grapple with the fact they are at fault for this potential ecological disaster let loose on the world #there’s also weird colonialist lines scattered throughout that don’t feel super interrogated…