#Its one of the reasons I find it sort of odd when people argue Jay being similar to Lois makes jayjon weird?

[fae-morrigan]

In general, I was somehow sitting and minding my own business, when suddenly the thought came into my head that Jay and Lois were somehow too similar. Like, they are both very hardworking people who will fight for their truth, no matter what the cost to them. They will be ready to do everything for the sake of their loved ones, everything for their protection, smart, persistent and purposeful, who completely devote themselves to the cause. It’s as if the authors created Jay from the character of Lois, adding their own traits to him as a separate personality, but still the type itself remained the same. Well, if you look at it like that, then Jon and Jay basically look like Clois, hmm. Maybe this is nonsense, but here it is.

So, here's the thing about this! The parallels are absolutely purposeful, because Jay is Lois's legacy character.

A legacy character, simply, is someone who takes on the mantle or duties of a character who inspired them (either in or outside of universe). By this, Jon is a legacy of Clark, Red Canary is a legacy of Dinah Lance, so on and so forth. This very often includes intentional parallels between the original + new characters personality- for example, Damian being a legacy character for Bruce, a huge part of the B&R premise with those two was predicated on the fact that these are two very similar characters who have the same issues and deal with it in similarly awful ways. This does not, or even most of the time, denotate blood relation- rather, a simple carrying of the torch. Stephanie and Cass are kind of legacies of Babs's batgirl, for another example.

But crucially, also, they're different enough to still stand on their own. Jay, personality wise, has a bunch of differences to Lois- Though he's obviously got snark, he's also got a sort of reserved-ness to him that Lois doesn't have as a result of his specific traumas, not to mention we are shown that Jay in particular has a talent for heroism and leadership that separates him from Lois (who usually very firmly stays in her civvies). There's a side rant in the above about how what defines a character trait is not its existence but rather in what contexts the trait manifests, but that's a different post I invite somebody to ask me about. And then there's of course the difference in story for these two characters. Lois gets to work in the spotlight, with the privilege of being an American journalist- Jay, an asian indigenous man who's being actively persecuted, is relegated to hiding and does what he does largely out of necessity (even if there is a very genuine passion). Crucially, what makes a legacy character a legacy is how they are inspired to do what they do and take up the mantle by the person they are the successor of. Obviously, we know that Jay really deeply admires Lois:

But we're never told WHY he's inspired by her..... OR ARE WE?! Yeah, so, actually, we're sort of indirectly told by ANOTHER comic the probable reason why Jay admires Lois so much- Lois Lane is the only American journalist to have ever reported fairly on the happenings in Gamorra/Parousia, without a bias towards the western perspective. She actively stood up for Gamorra when they were being manhandled by American imperialism.

This is from Waller vs. Wildstorm, a four issue comic that I ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY DEMAND EVERYONE READ to get a full picture of Jay. Its likely about to tie into Suicide Squad: Dream Team, so its kind of crucial! And yet I feel sometimes like I'm the only one who read it. So, yeah. Jayjon and clois parallels are absolutely intentional, because they're the legacies of clois!

#Its one of the reasons I find it sort of odd when people argue Jay being similar to Lois makes jayjon weird? #... Buddy. Most ships in comics do this parallel angle. Sometimes its even added in retrospect for flavor #Jay and Jon have enough unique stuff going on with them anyways that it ends up sort of being seasoning on top of an already unique ship #But yeah its a thing! #Jayjon #jay nakamura #jon kent

[kickingitwithkirk]

Greetings From Austin: Part II

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.  

Word Count: 3985

Warnings: a/b/o, bisexuality, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, married life/disagreements, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility, surrogacy

*Jensen acting out of character

*additional warnings to be added in future parts.

A/N: series Inspired by this art.

A/N II: For this part I did some research & delved into a bit of reproductive/genetic testing-please don’t dink me on details, I altered it a bit to fit A/B/O verse.

A/N III:  There is no intentional hate or malevolence intended towards any of the Ackles or Padalecki families. This is a purely fictional piece containing real and created persons/names/events set in the fictional  A/B/O verse. Some dates/events altered to fit story.

Part I

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

*photos found online

One hour later

Jensen sets two sealed cups in the small niche shutting its door and grabs his jacket sliding it on, his inner Alpha purring with satisfaction watching his husband's fumbling fingers working at a button on his shirt, “Need any help babe?”

Jared’s all dilated pupils and glowing cheeks above his thick beard, “I’m good, I'll be out in a few.” Jensen leans in for one more soft, lingering kiss before leaving. Locking the door behind him Jared leans against it, closing his eyes, savoring the last vestiges of his oxytocin high.

He can’t stop recalling that mischievous glint in those luminous green eyes as Jensen slowly licked his plush lips before diving in to kiss him stupid, his long, sinful tongue doing things that’s probably illegal in twenty states, hands with ooh, so thick, talented fingers capable all sorts of magical things.

Shaking himself out of the memory he crossed over to the sink and caught his debauched reflection in the mirror. Shit, he can’t out looking like this.

Turning on the tap cups his hand to catch some of the running water splashing his face to cool off when his phone starts vibrating in his back pocket. Drying his hands and face he pulls it out checking the text. Glancing up he runs a hand over his thick beard, smoothing it down before leaving the room.

Completely preoccupied typing a reply he rounds the corner heading for the doctor's office slamming into a woman knocking her off her feet, the contents of the bag she’s carrying scatter loudly across the floor.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry!”

From her seated position she looks up...and up, his long, long legs clad in low riding jeans barely held up by a loosely buckled leather belt, his shirts rucked-up, a bit of his treasure trail and toned abs flanked by the sharp V of his hip peeking out.

“FuckI’mfuckingsorryFuckdidn’tfuckingsee....”

Jared, embarrassed, keeps apologizing, laced with fuck every other word, squats down gathering scattered items, dropping them back into the bag continuously babbling until she bursts out laughing. “And here I be thinking I said fuck to much,” a subtle lilt in her voice making it sound like she’s saying fook instead.

They move around each other picking up the last of her stuff. Jared reaches for a scarf when the central air catches a few loose strands of her hair, lightly dancing them across his cheek.

He inhales sharply as her piquant scent travels through his system eliciting a rumbling purr deep in his chest, “Fuck..” She breathes out gazing directly into his kaleidoscope eyes, watching mesmerized as they bleed into red with arousal as her eyes flash gold in response.

“I..I..fuck..I’ve gotta go!” She sputters, scrambling to her feet, grabs the bag hurrying away, leaving him holding the scarf.

Lifting the forgotten fabric to his face Jared deeply inhaled her scent, reaching down presses against his cock chubbing up the second time that day. He morosely stares in the direction she fled in once more, a low whine of loss escapes before he tucks the scarf into his back pocket and resumes heading towards the doctor’s office.

Dr. Rodgers, standing just inside in a doorway observing unnoticed, makes a mental note.

***

Jensen watches amused as Jared sits down with a slight wince, a not unpleasant reminder of their recent interlude, teases, “Did I make that much of a mess out of you Jay?”

Jared shrugs with a nonchalant “eh.” Jensen lowers his chin leaning close growling his displeasure at the flippant response, Jared internally shivers knowing he’s gonna pay for it when they get home, much to his delight.

Jensen abruptly stops growling, “You stink like Omega!”

Dr. Rodgers comes in carrying a binder saving Jared from responding, “We’ll get your test results in about two weeks unless we see something that needs further investigation.” He sets down the binder in front of them, opening it to the first page revealing a dossier and picture.

“Now, the next bit is selecting an egg donor. I’m sure you're wondering how we select the donors. I rely on a protein compatibility test, similar to the markers blood test used when matching Alphas and Omegas, narrowing down prospective candidates.

All of our donors are Betas and Omegas. Several of the Betas are willing to be the surrogate too. If you choose to go with an Omega donor we will have the extra step of selecting a Beta surrogate but that’s something to discuss later if needed.

We also take into account your personal preferences when it comes to physical traits, personality, etc. I’ll introduce you to the top three that are the best matches. If for some reason none of them work out, we’ll try the next most compatible candidates.”

Dr. Rodgers clicks his pen, “Let’s get started shall we.”

***

Flipping off the light switch Jensen walks out of the bath to find Jared already asleep. Crossing over to their bed he stopped at his side admiring him.

How had he gotten so lucky to have Jared as his? Over fifteen years since that life changing meeting he was more in love with his mate than ever, the ups and downs in their relationship that could have torn them apart made their marriage stronger.

Jensen took hold of the book Jared had been reading, gently pulling it out of his hand, slid in a bookmark and placed it on the nightstand turning off the lamp.

Easing into his side of the bed he leaned over pressing a soft kiss to Jared’s bare shoulder, who only wore bottoms since he always ran warm. Shifting, Jared buries his face into Jensen's neck, draping a long arm across his chest snuggling close, “Thank you.”

“For what babe?”

“Helping me today,” he could feel Jared’s breath warm against his skin, “I know you're against having more but please don’t decide not to, I want to have pups with you.”

Jensen mentality sighed, he’d be forty-three before they were born and didn’t want to be the old dad. Jared had argued that he'd never be, they knew lots of people were having their families later, look at Reedus, fifty when his daughter came and JDM, he was almost fifty-two when George was born.

“I’ll make you a deal, I’ll say yes if we find one donor we both agree on,” he felt Jared’s emotions shifting more positive, “but if you like one and me another, I’m not doing it.”

Jared pressed several soft kisses to the side of his neck, “Okay Jen,” he agrees, shifting to lay his head on his shoulder, “we’ll find the one, I can feel it.” he sleepily finishes.

Jensen rests his cheek against the top of Jared's head, not fallen asleep for ages. How was he going to handle Jared’s inevitable disappointment, knowing it will happen since they have always had vastly different tastes in females.

***

Five days later

7:00 A.M.

Jared was up to mile three of his daily workout on the treadmill in his office. He usually ran outside this early in the morning but a surprise thunderstorm altered his plans for the day when his phone rang. He dialed the machine down to walking speed to answer.

“Hello, Mr. Page, this is Sissy from Dr. Rodgers office, I’m sorry to be calling so early. He would like for you to come back in for a follow up about your semen testing.” Jared’s throat tightened, closing off his ability to respond.

He stepped off the machine and sat down on the large leather couch, “Sorry I..what time can I come in?”

“We have an opening at 8:45, will that work?”

“Yes ma’am, I can be there then.”

“Great, we’ll see you in a bit Mr. Page.”

Jared sat back not caring he was getting sweat all over the leather and started his breathing exercise to calm himself, telling his brain to knock it off, surely it wasn’t anything major with how calm Sissy was on the phone.

Ten minutes later he was still anxious but able to handle it. He glanced at his watch and knew he had to get his butt in gear to make the appointment.

Walking into the bedroom he found Jensen softly snoring so he moved as quietly as he could grabbing some clean clothes and headed for the shower. He left a note by the coffee pot saying he had an errand and be back ASAP.

He pulled into the clinics parking lot with five minutes to spare. Tucking his hair into his ever present beanie, Jared slipped on his mask and dashed through the downpour into the clinic.

After being temperature checked, Sissy walked him to the doctor's office. Knocking on the door she opened it and Jared saw the doctor on the phone gesturing for him to come in as he finished his call.

“Hello Mr. Page, thank you for coming in. I wanted to go over a discrepancy the lab found with your test, I'll try not to use too much doctor jargon.” He layed three pages on the table in front of him, a color printout of a sperm DNA strand broke down into segments and the others Jared recognized as chromosome mapping. “These are part of the Alphas sperm DNA sequencing. Normally, this one has a wide band in this segment,” he pointed to a circled area on the right page demonstrating a normal sequence. “This is your sperm's DNA. What I wanted to show you is a variant in the same section,” he circled a column on the left page, “which contains a narrow band instead,” he highlighted one piece of the chain.

“What does it mean?” Jared asked nervously.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t know, I’ve never encountered this variant before. I looked at your previous testing from 2016 and it was also present on that test, not sure why it was overlooked. I’ve consulted with a few colleagues of mine to get their take,” he paused resting his arms on the desk watching Jared’s expression, “Mr. Page, I didn’t ask you to come in to upset you, I prefer to keep my clients in the loop if anything unusual does present with their testing. It’s possibly something that's genetically unique to you and affects nothing. I’d like to run a Tunel test, it’s a sperm chromatin structure analysis, it’ll give us more information to work with.”

Jared fidgeted, desperately wanting to chew on his fingers, “Umm…okay.”

“Good, it's not invasive at all, we just need some more sperm.” Dr. Rodgers says.

~~~

Jensen was stumbling around the kitchen working on his first cup of coffee when Jared walked in carrying a box from his favorite bakery.

“Those aren’t what I think they are?” Jensen asks as Jared sits the box down on the counter. He opens the lid inhaling the scent of decadent cinnamon roll goodness before pulling out one and taking a huge bite moaning pornographically, “Babe, whatever I did to warrant these remind me to do it again,” he says with his mouthful.

Jared chuckles as his mate continues making obscene noises before bending down taken a bit from the other side earning warning snarl.

“You are so not a morning person.” Jared chided sliding the box over to retrieve his own taking it setting down at the island bar pulling a chunk off.

“You wanna share what’s rattling around in that big head of yours?” Jensen inquires. Jared chews slowly before answering. “I got a call from the clinic, something showed up in my test.”

Jensen snapped fully alert, his roll forgotten, and sat down next to him, “Jared, what’s wrong? Are you sick?”

Jared fiddled with his roll, pulling it apart, “No, not that I’m aware of but they found something off and don’t know what it is. Dr. Rodgers said it’s probably nothing but wanted to run another test to see if he can figure out what it is what if something is wrong and turns out I was the reason Genevieve couldn’t get pregnant I don’t know if I can handle it the possibility of not being able to have pups I’ve wanted them for so long I can’t imagine our lives...”

“Jared,” Jensen sharpness interrupts Jared’s incessant rambling, making him go quiet, “I know you want to go to the worst possible outcome but let’s wait till all the tests are back. If it’s something, we’ll deal, we always do.”

***

August 3rd

“Jen, move your ass, were gonna be late!” Jared bellows from downstairs.

“I’m coming...dammit!” Jensen cursed as he tripped over the boxes left sitting by the bottom step. “You need to get the rest of this shit out of the way, about killed myself again!”

“I’ll stay up tonight moving the rest of this fucking shit if you’ll get a fucking move on!”

The sniping at each other had gotten worse since the house renovations were barely completed before heading back to Vancouver.

Jensen moved his music studio into the newly created space in the basement from the former guest quarters, now relocated to the spacious pool house. The empty upstairs rooms were converted into the eventual nursery/kids rooms with a Jack and Jill bathroom between them.

“You better start watching your goddamn language cause the last thing we need is for our kids to have a trash mouth like…don’t roll your eyes at me!” Jared threw his arms up in disgust before storming out to the garage getting in Jensen’s truck. They drove to the clinic in silence.

They were flying out tomorrow to quarantine for two weeks before resuming shooting on the eighteenth. Then the clinic called their tests were back and Jared didn’t want to wait till they got back for the results.

After their temperature check they were immediately escorted to the doctor’s office finding him already there. “Mr. Bonham, Mr. Page, pleasure to see you, please have a seat.” They sit next to each other not touching. “Is there something wrong gentleman?”

“Why do you ask?” Jensen barks, “Fuck man, don’t be rude!” Jared bit back earning a glare that makes most sane people back away from Jensen.

“Gentleman, no need to fight. It may surprise you but I actually see a lot of hostility between my clients. I’m sure the added stress of the quarantine while trying to start a family is putting your Alpha instincts more on edge, is it not?”

Jensen sighed, “I’m sorry sir, I was raised better.”

Jared gave an apologetic smile, “I’m sorry too sir, and you're right.”

“I’ve been doing this for a long time and understand the situation from your side, my wife and I had trouble conceiving. We ended up having two sets of twins within three years, now that’s stress.”

Jensen blinked, “And I thought mine were a handful.”

Dr. Rodgers laughed, “They are a blessing but honestly, it’s an absolute madhouse at times. So, let’s get back to you two. Mr. Bonham, everything looks good, you are in the top percentile when it comes to mobility and live sperm count for your age group. One of the advantages of being an Alpha, unlike us poor Betas who’s diminish with age.”

“Mr. Page, I also have your results and the Tunel tests which turned out to be something.. unique.”

Jared eyes widened as he paled, his breath hitching, feeling his stomachs spastic tightening making him about vomit. He knew it, he knew something was going to go wrong, his brain didn’t lie to him this time.

Jensen was out of his chair and utilizing his Alpha strength turned Jared’s towards him before kneeling between his legs reaching up to firmly grip the sides of his head forcing him to focus on him opens up his side of their bond he’d shut the other day when they were arguing to gauge how bad this one was.

“Hey Hey, concentrate on me, I need you to breathe with me,” he held Jared’s gaze for several minutes as their breathing cinqued up, feeling him relaxing.

“There you go big guy. It wasn’t that bad, focus on your breathing okay.” Jared nodded embarrassed as Dr. Rodgers sat a bottle of water in front of him, “Do you need me to get you anything else?”

“No, he’s fine, thank you,” Jensen answers, getting up retaking his chair as Jared took a long drink from the bottle, “he’s usually more aware of these attacks but since the damn lock-downs.” Jensen shook his head in disgust, “We're heading back to Vancouver tomorrow to finish our sh..job before his new one starts late October. I guess it’s really hitting us both that it's finally ending.”

“Mr. Ackles, you can say show,” Jared and Jensen stare at him in surprise, “my daughters are fans, I know more about the Winchester brothers than a man my age should.” Dr. Rodgers ruminates, “Mr. Page, are you ready for me to continue?” Jared nodded as Jensen wrapped both of his hands around his free one.

“After I received the results I spoke with a specialist in Alpha genetics. They looked at all your tests and came back with a conclusion I’ve never heard of before.” The doctor laid a printout on the desk, “This is a visual aid to help me in explaining.”

“Chemoattactants are what a female's egg releases to attract the sperm to it. You know how it works from there; sperm meets egg, sperm penetrates egg and viola, fertilization. Alphas sperm has evolved allowing them to inseminate all three sub-genders, whereas male Omegas sperm is sterile since they possess both sets of reproductive organs but only need to utilize one.”

The doctor sets all three of Jared’s tests and the normal example on his desk for them to see, “This chromatin structure you carry Mr. Page,” he points to the highlighted section, “has altered so that the eggs of Alphas and Betas are chemorepellent to your sperm, rejecting fertilization.”

Jared sat still-shocked, blankly staring at the results lying before him, vaguely feeling Jensen reaching across their bond again. “Does this mean he’s...infertile?” He can hear Jensen hesitant inquiry, like he's standing across a vast chasm.

“In conventional terms, yes. This is the reason you were unable to conceive with your previous spouse, being a Beta, and there is still no medical intervention available that would have helped. What’s unique is his sp...”

Jared was numb. His dreams of a little Padackles tearing around their home had literally been salt and burned before his eyes with those test results.

In the recesses of his attention he’s aware of the continuing conversation around him, the longer it goes on, the more his brain is tuning out.

~~~

The first thing he becomes aware of are fingertips caressing his face, softly wiping away wetness damping his cheeks. Slowly blinking the blurry shape in front of him comes into focus.

Jensen is sitting in front of him. More accurately, he’s sitting cross legged in between his own splayed legs on the floor. Jared frowns as his senses are coming back online.

He was sitting on the chair that’s now off to his right so how did he end up with his back against the desk?

“You passed out,” Jensen answers his unspoken question, “and scared the ever-living shit out of me! I thought you were having an aneurysm the way your eyes rolled back into your big head!”

“I..I..don’t know what happened, I was looking at the results, you were asking questions..then nothing.”

“Stress Jared, you are completely stressed out and it's fucking with your illness!” He opens his mouth, “No, I’m not done so be quiet.” Jensen’s voice dropped with his Alpha tone overlaying it,

“Between that final script having you nuts all year, this quarantine fucking up your meds, dealing with your businesses shutdowns, getting Walker started, you had to add pushing for pups, it’s no wonder you couldn’t handle the doctor explanation of...”

“Explanation of what?” Jared lashes back in own Alpha voice, leaning forward into Jensen’s space, his eyes flashing red, “That I’m infertile, sterile, shooting blanks..”

“Shut that fucking mouth for two minutes or I swear I’ll deck you.” Jensen’s normally warm green eyes bleed into a fierce red, becoming hard.

Jared’s mouth snapped shut in surprise. They had gotten into plenty of arguments over the years, gotten in each other’s faces a few times but this was a first. Jensen had never, ever threatened physical harm.

Well, somewhat that time Misha set him off during a panel and he went for him afterwards. Misha stupidly goaded him again before Jensen gave him a shove, ordering him to cool off before he had to do something.

Jensen’s jaw ticked as he mentally counted to ten, “Dr. Rodgers said that you couldn’t impregnate another Alpha or Beta right?”

“Right.”

“The part you zoned out is that your sperm wants to only fertilize an Omega’s eggs.”

Sighing heavily, Jensen crawls over a leg to sit against the desk next to him. Jared pulls his legs up and wraps his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees processing this information as Jensen reaches over and gently rubs his hand in random patterns over his back.

They had mutually agreed on a Beta donor. Now this threw a wrench in the plans.

“Maybe this is a sign we’re rushing into this again. Let’s take a step back and consider all our options.” Jared’s muscles stiffened under his hand.

“I’m not considering anything else and I’m not stopping.”

“Wait...what?”

Jared lifted his head, “I’m not considering anything else and I’m not stopping. I realize this isn’t what you want so don’t worry, I’m not gonna hold you to our agreement.”

Jensen exhaled sharply knowing when Jared spoke in that tone, that was it, end of discussion, mind made up.

Jared gets up, “I’m going to find Dr. Rodgers and see if he's still willing to help me. If you want to leave, go. I’ll get an Uber when I’m done.” He walks out quietly shutting the door behind him.

“Fuck!” Jensen closed his eyes thumping his head back against the desk. He knew he had screwed up and there was only one way to make it right.

***

Jensen asked Jared to let him stay, he was wrong for saying that and he'd be open to one of the Omegas as a possible donor too. Jared wasn’t completely appeased but he was happy Jensen didn’t take the out given him.

The three candidates were smart, attractive, lovely scented Omegas in their twenties that any Alpha looking for a prospective mate would seriously consider, leaving Jensen wanting something else.

“I like aspects of all three Jay, but honestly, I'm not feeling it with any of them.”

“Maybe you’ve reached the stage you’re looking for more substance, less aesthetic.”

“Did you just call me old?” Jensen gaped at his husband.

Before Jared responds, Dr. Rodgers enters, “I see from your expression Mr. Bonham that you haven’t decided on a candidate.”

“It’s not that I didn’t like any of them, there isn’t a..”

“Connection. It’s normal, just because your Alpha doesn’t mean you..desire every Omega you cross paths with. With some it takes time to find the right one.” He looks at his watch.

“We’re at the end of our appointment but I have one more donor I’d like you to meet today. She’s doesn’t exactly fit your personal physical preferences but this omega is...special..and she’s willing to be the surrogate too.”

The doctor opens the door gestures to someone. They stand up to greet her and as she enters they are enveloped by her piquant scent.

“Mr. Page and Mr. Bonham, this is Quinn.”

***

tbc

Part III

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy @let-me-luve-you @all-4-wincest

SPN: @donnatix @lyarr24

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva

#j2 #alpha!jensen ackles x alpha!jared padalecki #j2 fanfic #alpha!jensen ackles #jensen ackles #alpha!jared padalecki #jared padalecki #alpha!jensen x alpha!jared x omega!ofc #j2 au #j2 husbands #surrogate #supernatural

[judedeluca]

Last Friday I Tried To Kill Myself: My Rant On Why Heroes In Crisis Is Destructive Garbage And Why Stories Like This Need To Stop Being Made

TW: Suicide, rape, abuse

I’ve made it no secret I’ve been in therapy since 2012, and I’ve especially been vocal about my dislike for DC Comics’ latest event book, “Heroes in Crisis,” which just released its last issue on May 29th 2019.

I tried to write something the other night but I didn’t like how it sounded so I deleted it. After my session with my therapist earlier in the day, she convinced me to simply write down what I feel regardless. And so I did. I typed and typed. This is pretty long under the cut. I don’t know if I got carried away. I think I did.

I need to be clear I did NOT just try to commit suicide because of how much I hated a comic book. I’d like to believe even I’m not that pathetic. I tried to kill myself because of a number of reasons which sort of snowballed together this previous Friday.

Look this is angry and long and it sounds ridiculous but I just wanted to write and get my feelings out and I’m sorry okay? I’m, just, I’m sorry. For being pathetic and a disappointment to my friends and letting this bother me so much.

But I’m talking about “Heroes in Crisis” because this book has been negatively affecting me since it began publication, and the state that it left me in this past week only served to exacerbate the negative thoughts I had to endure, and I briefly reached a point where I had a knife to my wrist.

I’ve been attending therapy for the past seven years in order to address trauma and abuse I suffered through in my adolescence. In grade school I was bullied, and from 6th to 12th grade I was sexually abused on two separate occasions in two separate schools from four different people. In middle school I was assaulted by three boys who weren’t much older than me on the bus ride home, where they grabbed my head and shoved my face into their crotches as all the other kids laughed. In high school a classmate molested me twice during art class, and spent the rest of that time trying to make me apologize after I smacked him in self defense.

In 2009 my family dissolved when my parents unhappily split apart, which placed me as the unwilling recipient of my father’s, mother’s, and sibling’s emotional baggage while my own problems were ignored. During the loss of my support system I juggled two jobs along with graduating from college, I came out of the closet and have been struggling to figure out both my sexual and gender identities, I made my first suicide attempt in 2013, and my best friend died in 2016 along with four other people I cared about or who saw me as a friend.

Seeking therapy was something I had to do on my own. I tried counseling sessions with the people at my college but despite their best efforts it didn’t do much to help. I never received counseling in middle school for my sexual assault and my parents weren’t of much help either despite it was clear I developed some significant behavior problems. In 10th Grade I did spend some time with a guidance counselor because they feared I was suicidal due to my depression around my bad grades in Chemistry, but again this didn’t really help.

God I realize how analytical and detached this is sounding and I don’t know why. I feel like I’m just listing everything. Ugh.

Aside from my suicidal thoughts I suffer from depression and PTSD. I think I’m a genuinely bad person and I’ve often thought I brought the abuse I suffered as a kid onto myself because I was a weird boy. I’ve wondered if I have a right to feel ashamed of what happened to me because it wasn’t as bad as what other people have gone through. I frequently think of myself as a shameless, greedy, manipulative person who doesn’t deserve to be happy because I use people. I’ve truly said some awful things to people and I know I’ve been blocked by a couple of people online and not without good cause. You need to understand that. My own sibling once said I was a wicked, blackhearted person.

I have trouble not assuming the worst of my parents and sibling because of how often I would find myself stuck in the middle of their arguing, which got me labeled a martyr whenever I tried to play peacemaker which I only wanted because I hate seeing them unhappy. I assume the worst about situations and I’ve spent countless nights lying awake thinking over and over again about past mistakes and how much I wish I was dead, or that I had died instead of one of my friends because they made the world a better place and I don’t. It’s easy for me to believe the world would be a better place if I died.

Often my problems had been ignored by the people I turned to for help. Ignored, looked down upon, or just belittled. It became hard for me to talk to people because it felt like no one really cared about what I was going through or that I wanted help. Or they misunderstood and their attempts to help failed because they didn’t really know what was wrong.

Despite all this I want to believe therapy has helped me deal with problems better than I had before, and helped me to take pride in what I have accomplished. I graduated cum laude with no student debt, I’ve held onto at least one job for over a decade, and I’m currently writing for three websites that have let me change my perspective on things and given me space to grow as a writer. I believe I’m better able to recognize boundaries and to let my feelings be known, and to know when not to engage in stressful situations. I’ve been trying, TRYING, not to let me depression and negative thoughts affect me too badly.

It’s not easy, but it’s better than not doing anything at all.

So, where does “Heroes in Crisis” fit into this.

Well.

Through middle and high school, comics were pretty much the only thing that managed to keep me going without having a complete breakdown. Well I did have other interests and I still do. I could never survive on comic books alone.

I didn’t really have any friends I could rely on or talk to about my problems, not in real life or online. I got lucky in high school since there was a comic store one block away, which meant I was now able to regularly buy comics instead of the odd issue here or there. It was after I graduated high school I finally began to make some friends through online message boards and by meeting people at comic conventions. So comics didn’t just keep me going, they helped me find the people who HAVE been able to help me and see me as an individual worth knowing. My very first best friend in the whole world (NOT the one who died) is a professional comic artist I met through DeviantArt. “Stuck Rubber Baby” helped me realize and be honest about the fact I’m queer, and it was through commissioning comic artists I’ve felt more comfortable about exploring my sexuality.

As cheesy as it sounds the presence of comics in my life has indeed helped me a great deal, and I want to professionally write comics someday as a way to repay some of that back and try to make the world a better place.

I’ve always bought a little bit of everything but I’m mainly focused on DC Comics. My favorite teams are the Titans, the Legion of Super-Heroes, the Doom Patrol, and the Justice Society. Ask me my favorite Flash, I’ll pick Jay Garrick or Wally West. My favorite Green Lantern, I’d pick Alan Scott and Kyle Rayner.

Suffice it to say I really haven’t been happy with most of what DC’s published in the past ten years. I’ve been especially vocal about my dislike for books such as “Rise of Arsenal,” “Titans” by Eric Wallace, and pretty much everything Scott Lobdell’s worked on. Like a lot of people, I thought “DC Rebirth” back in 2016 was a step in the right direction, that they were finally cleaning the mess they made with the New 52 initiative.

“Heroes in Crisis” proved me and a lot of other people wrong.

But as a person struggling with depression and PTSD, this book offended me on a whole different level compared to anything those other books have done.

So you’ve got a place, Sanctuary, where heroes and villains can receive counseling for their respective problems and possibly get help. That sounds like a great idea. And then the first issue opens with the reveal every patient has been gruesomely murdered save for two who believe the other is guilty. And it gets worse from there.

FIRST: It turns out Sanctuary has no actual doctors or therapists. It relies instead on a computer programmed with the supposed best traits of Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman.

SECOND: The patients are put in virtual reality chambers where they relive their respective traumas over and over again as a way to confront them.

THIRD: There doesn’t seem to be any real security except for a couple of robots, and anyone can just walk in. Which means Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman haven’t been monitoring the place until AFTER the massacre.

What followed was than eight issues of a supposed mystery that wasn’t a mystery at all. Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman do almost nothing to figure who was responsible for this, while Lois Lane is given files of all the Sanctuary interviews which she PUBLISHES, leaking hundreds of secrets that were meant to be private even if she obscures the real names. The investigation falls to Booster Gold and Harley Quinn, who both believe the other is the killer.

It eventually turns out the killer was Wally West, who accidentally unleashed a burst of energy that killed those around him and in a fit of extreme suicidal despair violated the corpses to look like a mystery so he would have enough time to release the Sanctuary files and then kill himself believing it was the only way to make things right. He doesn’t die but turns himself in at the end.

I-I don’t have the energy to give a complete rundown, I really don’t. Suffice to say the book has problems. Racist problems, homophobic problems, and ableist problems. The series IS a problem.

Since the first issue was released I hated, I HATED, this comic with every fiber of my being. I hated the stilted writing and I hated the gross, overly sexualized artwork. I hated it was another event series built around cheap shock value deaths meant to drive up sales and garner controversy to make more sales. And I especially hated the premise, that this Sanctuary was supposed to be a place of healing but was anything BUT. The DC Trinity make no attempt to get real doctors to help them provide help for their comrades and friends, delegating everything to a computer that’s supposed to have their best qualities and assuming THAT is a decent substitute for qualified psychiatrists and therapists.

The very IDEA that Superman and Wonder Woman could be so arrogant and conceited to believe they could substitute for licensed medical professionals is appaling. Even Batman on his worst days would never be so inconsiderate.

And then there are the VR chambers, where the heroes relive their traumas over and over and over again until they can get over them. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. To experience such pain over and over again. The comic even demonstrated through characters Lagoon Boy and Wally West that going through their trauma again and again clearly wasn’t helping. Lagoon Boy relieved the Titans East massacre HUNDREDS of times. And this seems to be the only real option Sanctuary allows besides the confessionals.

This, this NEGLECT. Sanctuary isn’t a place for healing, it’s a dumping ground! These people are secluded and essentially kept in solitary confinement where they have almost no one but a computer to talk to. A computer that does absolutely nothing to help them.

I spoke to my own doctor about this and she agreed with me none of this was healthy and that the book itself was extremely damaging and poorly thought out.

And I have spoken to her about this a LOT over the last nine months, because with each issue that came out I felt myself getting more and more worn down. I would dread the last Wednesday of the month knowing the next issue would arrive. And let me tell you this wasn’t the only thing I was talking about in my sessions, but it figured a lot into my past discussions and my therapist respected that. I’m glad I have her in my life, she’s a consummate professional. 

I’m not talking about simple fan boy hate. This comic DRAINED me and struck more than a number of nerves. The apathy and insensitivity that went into crafting this book reminded me far too much of what I’ve gone through in life and not for the better.

For starters, the way Tom King portrays the problems the characters go through is nothing but a joke. We’re treated to multiple confessional sequences where different characters talk about their issues in a nine-panel grid layout featuring some of the most stilted dialog I’ve ever read. King shows absolutely no research or care in the characters he talks about, ignoring their backstories to make up nonsense and present it as deep when in reality he’s gutted them from the inside out.

The one that bothered me most was Roy Harper from the first issue, in a confessional sequence one page AFTER his corpse is found.

Tom King took nine issues to completely destroy and misunderstand Wally West’s character, even though he only needed one page for Roy Harper.

Of course Scott Lobdell spent eight years destroying the character, so King didn’t need to do much.

Roy and his daughter Lian have been two of my favorite DC characters for years. I’ve been able to relate to Roy’s issues a lot over the years. Not his past drug addiction, but his struggles with depression and abandonment issues and his fight to try and be a better person despite everything he’s gone through. He was raised in a Native American community and probably has a better understand of racism than most white people could dream of. He’s a devoted father who tries to be the best dad he can be for his daughter. But most importantly, he knows he can screw up and he knows he’s not perfect. He just wants to be good. He’s a complex and multifaceted person who is more than his trauma, and I’ve long admired that. I’ve wished I could stop beating myself up over my past mistakes and just focus on doing good instead of hating myself for not being perfect. As someone who never really had much support from my parents growing up and that feeling of being totally alone despite being surrounded by people, I empathized with the neglect he suffered form Green Arrow and the way he was essentially abandoned in “Rise of Arsenal” when he needed help the most.

But is any of that discussed in “Heroes in Crisis?”

No.

Roy’s abandonment and depression are ignored so Tom King can churn out some nonsense about abusing prescription meds given to him by doctors for his superhero injuries before he switched to heroin because it was cheaper and safer. Not because of his depression. He only started taking the meds because of his injuries and he got addicted, which I’ve seen a number of fans who suffer from chronic pain complain that this is ableist for presenting them as drug addicts.

God I hope I’m remembering that right, I’m sorry guys.

“So you go to a needle. To save your kidneys. And some money. But really, isn’t that what superheroes do? Save things?”

Objectively one of the worst things I have ever read in ANYTHING.

But it doesn’t stop there. Pretty much every character given a confessional more or less has the problems they truly did survive ignored for nonsense that never occurred or is completely out of character to the point it feels like these are SUPPOSED to be jokes. Firestorm talks about his head being on fire. Green Lantern Hal Jordan doesn’t know what “Will” is. Raven says her father, an inter dimensional monster who has tried to turn her evil over and over again and whom she hates, loves her. Minor character the Protector is revealed to be addicted to multiple drugs and was only an anti-drug crusader because he thought it was funny. That was just CRUEL.

I... I have spent so long being ashamed of a lot of the abuse I went through and it is still hard for me to talk about. Do you have any idea how disgusted I am with myself whenever I try to tell someone about what happened to me in high school? When I have to figure out a way to say that “He tried to stick his finger in my ass” and not think about how the people reading or hearing this must be laughing at me it’s so pathetic? Or when I think about the crying fit after my first day of high school begging my mom to take me out of this school and she tells me to suck it up?

And so this bothers me, because I frequently fear that my problems are just a joke. And I see the characters whom I resonate with have their problems degraded and treated as poorly thought out jokes.

Why were some of these characters even here in the first place? To deal with their problems? Even though some of them WERE ALREADY TRYING TO GET HELP. Roy in particular had his Titans teammate Lilith Clay as his substance abuse counselor, but none of that is mentioned in the lead-up to “Heroes in Crisis.” The help that Roy was already getting was ignored. His efforts at self improvement were ignored by those around him.

But it’s not as bad as the reason Wally West was in Sanctuary. In “Flash War” Wally regains memories of his twin children Jai and Iris and is told they’re not in the Speed Force but SOMEWHERE. And Wally tries to find them and can’t. So instead of Barry Allen getting the Justice League to help with the search, knowing the disappearance of these children are one example of how the universe has been damaged, Barry and Iris West allow Wally to be taken to Sanctuary to essentially get him to shut up about his missing kids. He is abandoned by the people he viewed as parents. And this is what leads to Wally’s breakdown. Despite knowing his children are out there somewhere, “Heroes in Crisis” tries to demonize Wally for wanting his family back and it’s used to make him into a suicidal mass murderer. Wally’s problems make him into a villain. He’s driven mad with grief when he hacks the Sanctuary computer thinking no one has gone through what he has, and is broken when he experiences all that trauma at once. All this because he wanted something that was perfectly rational for him to want.

Wally’s trauma is used to dehumanize him.

The dehumanization doesn’t stop there, especially in the case of Poison Ivy who is turned into a plot device for Harley Quinn’s sake.

Never forget this was a thing that Clay Mann drew and DC would’ve used before it got leaked.

This was supposed to be the cover for the seventh issue, Ivy’s bloody corpse done like a pin-up.

After being treated as Harley’s motivation for most of the series, Ivy’s revived but in such a way she’s lost most of her humanity. She gets turned into a rip off of Swamp Thing and her body is more plant than human, no longer having nipples or a vagina. She’s been murdered and brought back in a way that will let DC sexualize her as much as they want now that she’s not human anymore. But this is supposed to be treated as GOOD because she’s supposedly more powerful now and she’s alive. Like that doesn’t change the shameful way she was killed, and how she came to Sanctuary hoping to get help for the awful things that haunt her and it got her killed.

Ivy’s long been a very complex character herself and many people have looked at her as a strong, interesting, intelligent queer woman who ultimately only wants to save the Earth and be with the woman she loves. But she’s frequently the villain in her stories and often told she doesn’t understand what real love is. Instead of being recognized for the complex character and inspiration she is, Ivy also has her trauma used against her as an excuse for to be sent to die and LITERALLY be dehumanized. So what does that say to the women who resonate with her? The queer readers? What does that say?

The leaking of the Sanctuary files is also supposed to be seen as good. Wally claims he did it because he thought if people saw someone like him could make a mistake, they’d get help before he did something bad like him. That if they saw their heroes had problems, they’d get help too.

IT’S TRYING TO VALIDATE THIS VIOLATION OF PRIVACY AND HOW ALL THESE PROBLEMS ARE TURNED INTO A MEDIA SIDESHOW THANKS TO LOIS LANE AND SUPERMAN.

And Wally turns himself in he’s left to rot in jail, more alone than ever. Where’s the supposed help now?

But Booster Gold gets to hang with Blue Beetle and Harley’s with Ivy and it’s supposed to be about hope by showing no matter what mistakes you make it’s not too late and blah blah whatever that last issue was. It tries to pretend all this suffering and misery was worth it because now Wally really can represent hope by being an example!

Bros before heroes!

These people went to get help or were sent to get help, and instead they were ignored. They were killed. Their problems turned into jokes. They had their problems used against them after they died when all they wanted was to be better.

WANTING TO GET BETTER IS NOT A REASON WHY ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO DIE. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE TREATED LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT LIKE THIS.

One of the worst thing out of all this is knowing NONE OF THE CHARACTERS USUALLY ACT LIKE THIS. The reason why Wally accidentally killed everyone is because King makes up a retcon involving the Speed Force that was never, EVER mentioned in any Flash comic before. He makes up things on the fly to justify why any of the characters are there at all. Someone once said how, and I’m paraphrasing, “A story should be made to fit the characters, the characters shouldn’t be made to fit the story.” It’s been clear to a lot of people this book was blatant character assassination and Dan Didio’s latest attempt to finally get rid of Wally West because he hates him and all the other legacy characters so much. A story about PTSD that could’ve been meaningful and helped people got hijacked to destroy a character. To use their trauma as a tool to make them do something horrible. To exploit trauma for shock value and dehumanize not just the characters but the people who read these books and identified with the struggles and I

HATE IT!!!!!!! 

It hurts because so many people care about these characters, and Didio would use a story that could’ve been uplifting to carry out his petty hatred.

This has been it, month after month for me. I’d get mad, and I would try to take my mind off it. I’d write fan fiction and commission artwork making fun of “Heroes in Crisis,” I’d try to vent on the internet and explain why I hate this comic. I’d connect with friends and other fans who’re equally unhappy, and I’d just feel myself getting worse and worse. I’ve had trouble sleeping thinking about this comic, stress dreams and laying awake at night before I’d start to think about how I’m a bad person too and wishing over and over again to die and end everything. To stop being a blight on the world and give it to someone who deserves to live. More importantly, that crushing sense of not being able to do anything to make this better. This powerlessness to try and change things for the better. Wishing I could do something to make it better and thinking about all the other ways I’ve failed in life. The loved ones and friends who died and I couldn’t help them. The unhappiness in my family. The state of the world. And then I’d think about how much I hate myself even more because there are more important things to worry about in the world, like what that rapist monster in the White House is doing to this country and to anyone who’s not a straight white man.

The week the final issue came out I knew right off it was going to be a train wreck and I was right. A disappointing ending to a disappointing story. More feelings of anxiety and self loathing and a feeling that my problems are nothing but a joke to mocked and exploited.

While all this was going on I had other things to worry about. In March my grandfather was hospitalized with a number of health problems due to a urinary tract infection. He spent a week gradually becoming confused and losing energy before he was taken to the emergency room when he said he was having trouble breathing. It turned out he also had a cyst, a clot, and bleeding in his brain. As me, my mom and sibling worried about his health we also had to worry about our house because my grandfather pays most of the rent and if his pension had to go towards a nursing home, we would have to move. So while worrying about my 92 year old grandfather’s health I also had to worry about possibly losing my house. And while he was recovering at the rehab hospital he had to go back to the ER again on Easter when we were told he fell during the night. He’s in another nursing home and he’s doing better thankfully, but he’s also the last grandparent I have and I’m not ready to lose him when he’s held onto his mind for so long.

So what exactly happened when the ninth issue came out that pushed me?

This past Thursday while I was at work, I get a call from my mother saying she thinks someone might be in our house because she went downstairs into my grandpa’s apartment and all the doors were open. I don’t know why she didn’t call the police or what she thought I could do since I wasn’t even in the Bronx. *Sigh* I tried to get my dad to come pick me up sooner so I could check out what was wrong and I was trying not to panic even when my mom texts me saying she’s okay but she locked her bedroom door and she’s got a blunt object. Then she says maybe it was nothing after all...

And then I get home and I see the garage door is wide open and it’s a disaster, as if someone trashed the place. I can’t get my dad out of the car and he just says “Call the police” as if he doesn’t care. I run into the house and begin checking the rooms in my grandpa’s apartment before grabbing a kitchen knife and going back to the garage. I then tell my mom what’s happened to the garage and it’s like I’m invisible. I can’t even get her outside to look and she’s more concerned about getting her dinner from around the corner. She tells me “It’s not like no one’s gotten in the garage before.”

AFTER SHE GETS ME WORKED UP THINKING SOMEONE WAS IN OUR HOUSE. AND I COME HOME AND THEY MIGHT’VE TRASHED THE GARAGE.

I literally can’t understand what was going through her head when she gave me this runaround. And I call her on it the next day, telling her how scared she got me and how it felt when she acted like I was making a big deal of nothing. I was frightened she could’ve been alone in the house with an intruder, because obviously she felt the same way if she wanted to lock herself in her bedroom. She STILL acted like it was no big deal and it’s like 2010 all over again and I’m being expected to drop everything to help her and she won’t give me any courtesy or empathy.

And then not even an hour later that Friday I get an email from my boss about a secret shopper thing and I rush to get my phone seeing he’s tried to call me. And he’s saying he’s mad at me because of something I did on Tuesday that might get our distribution license suspended or taken away completely. I’m thinking this is because of me. Because I screwed up. And I’ve had this job since I graduated high school and I might’ve ruined it completely.

And that mixed with how it’s like my mother has played fucking mindgames with me and all the other feelings and the general anger and hopelessness and thinking over and over it’s not going to get better I picked up that knife again and held it to my wrist while my boss was still on the phone.

I had it pressed against my skin and wanted to dig it in deeper.

I kept thinking “I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T DO THIS” seeing everything all at once, over and over again and...

I-I don’t know. Maybe just a part of me that said not to do it or something. Maybe because despite all my talk of wanted to die I don’t.

I don’t want to die.

So I put the knife down before I cut myself.

I went to work at my second job and I scheduled an emergency session with my therapist, and I tried to write.

So it’s Monday morning and I’m typing this and wondering now, if anyone actually reads this what kind of shit will I expect if people actually bother to read it.

I’m a loser who needs to get a life

I read the story wrong

I didn’t understand the story

I need to get laid

I’m just mad my favorite character died

I hate it because Tom King’s a good writer

I’m a contrarian who hates it because it’s popular

I don’t know what I’m talking about

I’m a whiny f****t

I’m conceited enough to think Tom King may ever actually read this and have him say “I’m sorry you reacted this way”

This isn’t the story King wanted to tell and he had good intentions

OH SCREW YOUR FUCKING “GOOD INTENTIONS”

My teachers had “Good intentions”

My parents had “Good intentions”

AND I AM STILL FUCKING PAYING FOR IT

I am so sick of hearing about “Good intentions.” Just because a person had good intentions doesn’t absolve them of messing up! King apparently handed in a basic outline and let editorial pick the characters. If King had good intentions, he would’ve bothered to do research on the characters instead of turning them into jokes. If he had good intentions he would’ve done a better job of showing how therapy actually CAN help people. He wouldn’t have given us a story all about death and suffering and say it’s about hope. If he had good intentions he wouldn’t have let Didio use this to get rid of Wally West.

You want to talk about people with ACTUAL good intentions? How about we talk about the people out there who’ve written about abuse and trauma and suicidal thoughts and how to address those things in ways that MATTER. In ways that don’t alienate people and can grant a better understanding of ways to act.

In ways that say “I see you. I understand you and know what you’ve gone through. You’re stronger than you think.”

Let’s talk about Jeremy Whitley writing “The Unstoppable Wasp” where Nadia Pym has a manic episode and attacks her friends, and has to be talked down from killing herself by her friend Priya because her own brother committed suicide.

Let’s talk about how Priya describes the world Nadia would create if she killed herself and convinces her she deserves to live because she makes everyone happy and she is a good person no matter what she is thinking right now.

Let’s talk about Magdalene Visaggio’s “Eternity Girl” where Caroline Sharp is a suicidal immortal superhero who wants to destroy reality because she thinks it’s the only way she can die, and her girlfriend Dani convinces her that she can build a new world for herself instead of destroying this one because Caroline’s stronger than her misery and has the power to choose what she wants.

Let’s talk about Chris Claremont’s disgust at how Carol Danvers had been brainwashed and raped and sent off to live with her rapist while her friends did nothing to help her and thought this was a HAPPY ENDING

Let’s talk about how he had Carol dress down the Avengers for the shameless way they treated her and abandoned her when she needed them

Let’s talk about Jim Salicrup and Louise Simonson working on the “Spider-Man and Power Pack” special which showed the right ways to address child abuse.

How Salicrup was able to make Spider-Man into a sexual abuse survivor without it being a joke and how his story helped a little boy tell his parents what happened to him. And how this helped Spider-Man accept what happened to him was not his fault.

How Simonson wrote about the Power Pack supporting a friend being sexually abused by her father and how they convince her she did nothing to deserve this.

Let’s talk about Rachel Pollack’s Doom Patrol run which showed that trauma is not the end of someone’s existence and that people can be happy despite what’s happened to them

Let’s talk about George and Marion who despite the trauma of having lost their bodies and being used as slaves they still choose to smile and enjoy life and love each other

Let’s talk about Kate Godwin, a transgender woman who changed her body to match the person she was inside despite what people said about her and treated her, and found a community that supported her and loved her and is a strong, good woman with the power and the empathy to help others

A woman who was outraged when a person tried to make her believe she’d been gang raped and needed trauma to make her life more meaningful.

SO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM AND TELL ME ABOUT KING’S “GOOD INTENTIONS”

NO ONE NEEDS TRAUMA IN THEIR LIFE TO MAKE IT MEANINGFUL. FINDING HAPPINESS AFTER YOU’VE SURVIVED SOMETHING HORRIBLE DOESN’T MAKE THAT SOMETHING HORRIBLE JUSTIFIED.

You can’t look at stories like “Heroes in Crisis” and say “Oh it’s okay because in the end it was worth it because it taught us something” and NO. IT IS NOT OKAY. HAVING YOUR PROBLEMS LAUGHED AT AND MOCKED AND DEGRADED AND TRIVIALIZED IS NEVER OKAY. NOT FROM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT. NOT TOTAL STRANGERS. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

So yeah, maybe I am fucking pathetic for ranting about this and I should get a life and talk about more important things but I don’t fucking care! I’m angry about this and I’m gonna be angry for a long time! I’m angry about this story and I’m angry about how it affected me and the people I care about and people I don’t know and I will always be angry with myself that I tried to kill myself because of how this book made me feel and affected what I was going through.

Because stories are important to our lives. They can help us get through every day and they can make our problems not seem so bad. They can give us the strength to look at the bad parts of our life and think maybe they can change. That WE can change. We read about these people and we connect with them. We see things in them we wish to be like or things that are already in us and it can make us feel like we aren’t alone.

And even when stories aren’t enough they can help us find the people who can tell us these things. To help us find people who would care about us, and to care about them so maybe WE can help them. They’re a gateway.

So no, it’s not just a fucking comic book. And no, I don’t care what the intentions were. And I don’t care how pathetic this all sounds.

This, this was a bad story. This was a harmful story. And people deserve better. We don’t deserve to keep living in an age where stories like this, that can make us feel like we’re nothing, keep happening. We deserve stories that show us our lives are not defined by our trauma, we are NOT jokes, we are strong, and we deserve to live. That is not what “Heroes in Crisis” was and you will never convince me otherwise.

I had problems long before this story came out. I do not blame it for things that happened to me before. I do not blame it for my assault and abuse. I blame it for making me feel more like I don’t deserve to live and that what I’ve gone through doesn’t matter. I blame it for making me feel like my hard work and attempts to make my life better are meaningless.

This is not okay.

You wanna fucking blast me for this, go right ahead.

#dc comics #heroes in crisis #the flash #wally west #roy harper #arsenal #speedy #red arrow #titans #teen titans #poison ivy #pamela isley #tom king #clay mann #jeremy whitley #the unstoppable wasp #nadia pym #priya aggarwal #doom patrol #rachel pollack #kate godwin #coagula #marvel comics #marvel #spider-man #peter parker #power pack #jim salicrup #louise simonson #magdalene visaggio

[newssplashy]

Earlier in the day, Trump had tweeted that he hoped Brennan would sue him, calling Brennan the “worst CIA Director in our country’s history.”

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani, his personal lawyer, both taunted former CIA Director John Brennan on Monday, apparently hoping that they could goad Brennan into filing a lawsuit against the president for revoking his security clearance.

Giuliani tweeted that if Brennan failed to follow through with a lawsuit, it would be like former President Barack Obama’s last-minute decision not to launch an attack on Syria after saying that the government’s use of chemical weapons was a “red line” it must not cross.

“Come on John you’re not a blowhard?” Giuliani wrote Monday afternoon.

Earlier in the day, Trump had tweeted that he hoped Brennan would sue him, calling Brennan the “worst CIA Director in our country’s history” and saying that a lawsuit would reveal “all of his records, texts, emails and documents to show not only the poor job he did, but how he was involved with the Mueller Rigged Witch Hunt.”

Together, the two tweets amounted to an odd “bring it on” challenge to Brennan, who had mused over the weekend about filing a lawsuit as a response to losing his security clearance. Trump said last week that he revoked Brennan’s clearance because of his role in the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election.

It is not entirely apparent why Trump and his lawyers would want to wage another legal battle at the moment. The president is already at the center of the Russia investigation by Robert Mueller, the special counsel. Michael Cohen, his longtime personal lawyer, is under investigation in New York. And the first of two criminal trials of Paul Manafort, the president’s onetime campaign manager, is likely to wrap up this week.

In a telephone interview Monday afternoon, Giuliani said a lawsuit by Brennan would open the door to a detailed examination of Brennan’s life, focused on the question of whether the former CIA director was using his security clearance for personal profit.

“He actually only needs it in case the government would call upon him for advice,” Giuliani said of Brennan, who he said was no Henry Kissinger. “The idea that this government would call upon him for advice is not existent.”

He said a deposition of Brennan, conducted by himself and Jay Sekulow, another of Trump’s lawyers, could go on for hours — “maybe longer than McGahn’s testimony,” Giuliani said, a reference to the 30 hours that Don McGahn, the White House counsel, has talked to the special counsel in the Russia investigation.

Asked whether his taunting tweet directed at Brennan was a joke, Giuliani said: “Of course it is. I don’t take the threat of the lawsuit seriously, so my statements aren’t serious.”

But he said he had talked with Trump about Brennan on Monday morning and concluded that the president “would like him to sue.”

A lawsuit by Brennan to challenge the revocation of his security clearance would most likely be filed against the government, and would be defended against by Justice Department lawyers. It is possible that a defamation lawsuit by Brennan could be filed directly against Trump, which would require his personal lawyers to defend him.

Giuliani said that if Brennan filed a lawsuit personally directed at Trump, his personal lawyers stood ready.

“He maintains that he shouldn’t have had his security clearance taken away,” Giuliani said. “We could find out a lot of reasons that he should have.”

In an interview Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Brennan said that he had been contacted by “a number of lawyers” who had suggested filing a lawsuit as a way of preventing the president from taking other people’s security clearances away.

“If my clearances and my reputation, as I’m being pulled through the mud now, if that’s the price we’re going to pay to prevent Donald Trump from doing this against other people, to me, it’s a small price to pay,” he said. “So I am going to do whatever I can personally to try to prevent these abuses in the future. And if it means going to court, I will, I will do that.”

The comments about Brennan were part of a long string of presidential tweets as the workweek began. Earlier Monday, Trump asked on Twitter whether a career Justice Department lawyer would ever be fired and suggested that he did not expect his own attorney general to make the personnel decision.

It was a one-two punch of sorts, again putting the longtime civil servant, Bruce Ohr, on notice that his job may be on the line because of perceived ties to the Russia investigation, and also insulting Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has been a favorite target of the president’s criticism for not putting an end to the inquiry.

Trump has had Ohr, a law enforcement official who has worked on anti-drug and anti-gang initiatives, in his sights for some time. Just this past week, the White House included him on a list of people the president was considering stripping of their security clearances. The president has also referred to Ohr as a “disgrace,” and incorrectly said he had had a role in starting the Russia investigation.

The president spent part of his morning Monday tweeting about his outrage over the Russia investigation, calling Mueller “disgraced and discredited,” and calling Mueller’s team “Angry Democrat Thugs.”

Trump has fired or rejoiced in the firing of other longtime government employees he has placed in a catalog of people he considers to have conspired against him in his pursuit of the White House. Several of these federal workers have been the subject of the president’s Twitter tirades.

It appears Ohr’s ties to this world are through a professional acquaintance and through his wife, Nellie Ohr. Nellie Ohr worked as a contractor for the private research firm Fusion GPS, which produced a dossier during the campaign that is purported to link Trump and some of his associates to Russia. Trump considers the dossier to be a work of fiction, paid for by Democrats, and he thinks the document is part of what prompted the government’s counterintelligence investigation into Russia and Trump’s presidential campaign.

Bruce Ohr’s lawyer did not respond to a request for comment.

But firing Ohr, who now works in the Justice Department’s criminal division, is most likely not something that can be done overnight because of the job protections he has as a civil servant, said Mark Zaid, a longtime Washington lawyer who represents federal employees who work in national security.

“There’s still an administrative due process procedure that has to be afforded to any federal employee like Ohr to be terminated,” Zaid said. “Bureaucracy takes a while.”

Conservatives have highlighted Bruce Ohr’s ties to the Russia investigation, pointing to emails in 2016 that show Ohr was in contact with Christopher Steele, the former British spy who compiled the dossier based on Russian sources. Some Republican lawmakers argued that a memo with these details should be declassified to show that Steele’s bias should have been considered when the FBI started its investigation.

Ohr later told the FBI about his wife’s work with Fusion GPS and about his own conversations with Steele. Ohr passed along information Steele had provided to him but, by then, the FBI had already received the information directly from Steele.

Trump has tweeted about Ohr nine times since the beginning of August.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Michael D. Shear and Eileen Sullivan © 2018 The New York Times

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[mvalleefootball-blog]

New England Comes up Small in Miami

By Michael Vallee

On a night when the Patriots were out-played, out-hit, out-coached and out-classed it’s instinctual to react.  Is the defense overrated?  Are they now doomed against Pittsburgh?  Is Brady finally showing his age late in the year?  It’s the easy and obvious thing to do.  If you see a guy get his ass kicked in a fight, then someone asks you if you think he will win his next fight. It’s hard to look at his bloodied face and answer “Yes.”  It’s just human nature.  But don’t fall into that trap.  Sure, New England was dominated for virtually all four quarters, on both sides of the ball and all along the trenches, but in the grand scheme of things the Patriots’ deceptively close 27-20 loss to Miami means absolutely nothing.    

Monday night’s Patriots game was what I call a typical NFL “exception to the rule” game and for all predictions and projections going forward it should be ignored.  That’s right, ignored.  Forget it, wipe it from your mental hard drive, erase it from your DVR, in the immortal words of Donnie Brasco, “Fuggetaboutit”.  Over the course of a long NFL season these “exception to the rule” games will crop up from time to time.  They are games where the two teams behave so wildly different from everything we know about both of them that it defies logic.  It would be like turning on your TV and hearing Phil Simms say something coherent.

Does anyone remember that the Jacksonville Jaguars beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 30-9 in Pittsburgh?  And did it matter?  Hell no, the Jaguars lost at home the following week by double digits and the Steelers went on to win eight straight.  Does anyone remember the lowly Chicago Bears beating the Carolina Panthers 17-3?  And the fallout?  None.  The Panthers won four of their next five and the Bears lost five in a row.  How about the Baltimore Ravens beating the Miami Dolphins 40-0, week 8.  Did this spur the Ravens to great things and ruin the Dolphins season?  Not really, the Dolphins went on a little slide but here we are six weeks later and both teams are hovering around .500.  These games happen all the time and the results, while shocking, determine very little about either team.  

The Patriots certainly have their own history with these games.  In fact, they played the ultimate “exception to the rule” game opening night when they were shellacked at home by the Kansas City Chiefs, 42-27.  A harbinger of things to come?  Hardly.  The Chiefs have gone .500 since and the Patriots won 10 of their next 12.  

The ultimate example of this came in 2014 when those same Chiefs destroyed the Patriots 41-14 in the now infamous, “They’re not good anymore game”, a quote from Trent Dilfer that illustrates just how easy it is to overreact to these results.  But we all remember what happened, the Patriots won their next seven games and finished 13-2 over their final 15, culminating in yet another Super Bowl title.  Illustrating that not only are these games not an indicator of future results, they might actually help the team on the losing end.  These surprising lopsided defeats can be both humbling and galvanizing, resulting in a team sharpening its edge and rallying around the negative publicity.  

Another famous example from the Belichick era was the 31-0 beatdown New England suffered at the hands of the Buffalo Bills week 1 of the 2003 season - the game now known as the “Lawyer Milloy game”.  Following that humiliating defeat the Patriots won 16 of their next 17 including the Super Bowl and the Drew Bledsoe Bills finished the season with a record of 6-10. 

These games are by no means a new phenomenon.  In 1994 the eventual Super Bowl champion San Francisco 49ers lost at home 40-8 to the lowly Philadelphia Eagles.  It was as big an ass-whooping as the score indicates.  The Impact?  The Niners went 13-1 to close out the season and were later named one of the 20 greatest teams in NFL history.  The Eagles finished the season on a 3-8 spiral costing charismatic head coach Rich Kotite his job.  In 1979 the always terrible Cincinnati Bengals beat the Pittsburgh Steelers 34-10.  The Bengals finished with a record of 4-12, the Steelers finished the season with their 4th Super Bowl title.

We know these games happen but the perplexing question is why?  There are a variety of potential reasons.

-Looking ahead:  It happens at every level of football.  It’s human nature.  When you have a crucial game in two weeks it’s easy to look past the shitty opponent you’re playing that week.  Patriots vs Pittsburgh is the most important regular season game of the 2017 NFL season.  Both teams have had it circled for weeks, Tomlin outright admitted that.  This was a classic spot to start looking ahead on the schedule.

-Motivation:  This game meant little to New England.  Beat Pitt and you are the number one seed, lose and you’re not.  Same exact stakes if they had beaten Miami.  Additionally they had easily defeated Miami just two weeks earlier.  For the Patriots this game was a big giant yawn.  For Miami this was their Super Bowl.  Not only was it essential they win to have any semblance of a chance to make the playoffs but this was their chance to save what is likely a lost season.  A chance to avenge a chippy loss at Gillette and register a signature win to build on for next season.

-Division rival:  Division games have typically been a breeding ground for big upsets.  One reason might be the emotional component fueled by the familiarity of a division foe.  Simply put, these teams know each other too well to be intimidated and the close quarters of the division generally fuels hatred.  A team that is motivated, fueled by hate and not easily intimidated is in a perfect mindset to pull an upset.  This is one of the reasons why you see so many upsets, including dominating upsets like Monday night, in division games.

-Injuries/Suspensions:  I love it when people say, “Injuries are no excuse”.  Actually, they are the opposite of that, they are a great excuse.  If the Packers lose a close game and their fans say they lost because Aaron Rodgers is hurt, isn’t that a perfectly valid statement?  A fact, really.  Obviously it’s not an excuse you ever want to hear from the actual team because a team wallowing in self-pity is not a team that’s going to win a lot of football games.  But it’s a perfectly legit reason for a team to have a bad night.  The Patriots defense was decimated up front and their offense was without Gronk, one of its best players and it’s emotional spark plug.  Gronk’s value to an Edelman-less offense can’t be overstated. Gronk makes everything work.  He helps the passing game, he helps the running game and he draws defenders away from his teammates.  He exudes a confidence that is infectious.  Almost any game the Patriots play without Gronk and Edelman is a game they can lose.

-The X-Factor:  This final category encapsulates all the random unforseen landmines that can pop up during an NFL season.  The “Lawyer Milloy game” we mentioned earlier is a perfect example.  Nobody, including the entire Patriots locker room, could have envisioned that New England would cut one of its starters and team leaders on the eve of the 2003 season and that he would sign with the team they were playing week one.  Last Monday the Patriots were playing their fourth road game in five weeks including a two-week high altitude trek through Denver and Mexico City.  That would wear on any team.  Compounding the problem, that fourth game was being played in a stadium that has been a proverbial house of horrors for New England.  That’s a bad spot for any team.

For those of you keeping score at home, that’s five boxes checked for the Patriots.  Any one of the above five factors could trigger an “exception to the rule” game and the Patriots were dealing with a perfect storm of all five.  You could argue that the most surprising thing about Monday night was not the final score but the size of the point spread (New England -11).

Whatever the reason for the 2017 Dolphins suddenly looking like the 1972 Dolphins and the Patriots looking like some cheap impostor, it is irrelevant.  None of it matters now.  The Patriots have what amounts to a winner-take-all game in Pittsburgh and if they take care of business the road to the Super Bowl goes through Foxboro.  If not, the Patriots have to find a way to win a big road game in the playoffs, something they haven’t done in over a decade.  Either way, come Sunday afternoon you can expect a much better effort from the defending champs than what you saw Monday night, as they put yet another “exception to the rule” game in their rearview mirror.

Game Notes

-Catch me if you can:  Did you see Kenyan Drake run past Elandon Roberts like Usain Bolt running past a mailbox.  What’s that going to look like when it’s Le’veon Bell?  I imagine Belichick is hard at work in his lair trying to solve that quandary.

-Show me the money:  It was another tough game for Butler who has seemed out of sorts for much of the season.  Then after the game he had an odd moment where he retweeted a graphic showing how effective Jay Cutler was against the Patriots’ blitz.  The retweet was then un-tweeted (de-tweeted?) and Butler would later call the whole thing a “misunderstanding”.  Normally a guy in a contract year plays his best football, something the Patriots might have been banking on when they didn’t give him a contract in the offseason.  As a general principle that might be correct but for this player New England might have played this one wrong.  Butler has not been himself all year and you have to wonder if it’s because of the money.

-Cutler’s numbers against the Patriots’ blitz:  16-20, 186 yards, two TDs, QB rating: 138.8

-Staying Power:  A lot of panic talk swirled around the NFL after Brady’s lousy performance, with much of it centered around his stamina.  Last year Brady had the benefit of a four-game deflategate vacation to keep his legs and arm fresh for the playoffs.  This year with Brady playing a full slate of games some have been speculating that his body might not be up to the task.  Maybe it’s something worth monitoring but it seems a little premature to express concern for a guy that is the current favorite to win the MVP.

-Tommy Two times:  Monday night was the first time in 30 games that Brady has thrown two interceptions in a game.  The first pick was a bad decision but the second interception was a spectacular play by cornerback Xavien Howard who closed late to rob Brandin Cooks of a big gain.

-Jordan Richards whiff on a 3rd down sack pretty much sums up his entire sorry career with New England.  A terrible draft pick.

-Mastering the master:  It’s something we haven’t said often in the last 17 years but Adam Gase completely out-coached Bill Belichick monday night.  Gase took away the middle of the field for New England’s receivers, effectively pressured Brady with well timed blitzes and repeatedly found creative ways to get the ball to his playmakers.

-If the Patriots lose to the Steelers and the Jaguars beat the Texans, the Patriots will be the number three seed.

-Jimmy G to the rescue:  If New England wants to crawl out of that three seed and re-secure a first round bye they might need some help from an old friend.  The Jaguars travel to San Francisco week 16 to face the undefeated Jimmy Garoppolo.

-Jay Cutler still sucks.

-Planes, trains and automobiles:  The NFL didn’t do the Patriots any favors with the scheduling.  A lot of people don’t know this but it is rare for a team to be on the road for Monday night football then on the road again the following week.  In fact, it has only happened three time in the last two years and the results are not pretty.  Teams in that spot are 0-3 the last two years, losing by an average margin of 15 points.

-The Patriots are an inexplicable 20-6 with Gronkowski out of the lineup.

-Felix and Oscar:  I love MNF play-by-play guy Sean McDonough, and analyst Jon Gruden has his moments, but they are broadcasting’s odd couple.  Whenever they’re together on screen it feels like both of them are really uncomfortable which, for the viewer, is like watching one of those really awkward scenes from an episode of ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’.

-Yankee doodle dandy:  Speaking of Gruden, his high praise of the military during the game followed by the proud declaration, “It’s great to be an American” felt awfully scripted.  

-Arrested development:  Interesting move by the Patriots to sign WR Kenny Britt off the scrap heap.  Britt is a tall fast receiver that can take the top of the defense and last year registered a career high 1002 yards receiving.  He also continues New England’s tradition of acquiring a late-season derelict for the playoffs as Britt has had numerous run-ins with law enforcement.  The signing also required a change of heart from Bob Kraft who shot down the very idea of signing Britt when the Patriots hosted him for a visit three years ago, “We won’t be signing him. That won’t happen”, said Kraft at the time.  My favorite nugget from his arrest record is that he was arrested at a car wash.  What could possibly happen at the local Scrub-a-dub that would have you leaving there in handcuffs?  To Britt’s credit he has been clean since 2013.

-Trick or treat:  No update on disgraced Dolphins coach Chris Foerster, who resigned in October after a video surfaced that he sent to an alleged hooker showing him proudly snorting some yayo.  It was a regrettable moment for all involved but at least it produced some classic Halloween costumes.

#nfl #patriots #dolphins #tom brady #bill belichick #malcolm butler #monday night football #kenny britt #chris foerster #adam gase #jay cutler #pittsburgh steelers #super bowl #rob gronkowski #sean mcdonough